What Is Sustainable?

I've been thinking a lot lately about how the rest of my life is going to look, lifestyle-wise, with the eating and activity. It seems to me that it is easy to sustain some habits while it is very hard to sustain others. Maybe it's because of payoff, or desire, or just what's ingrained in my since childhood over the past 41 years. It IS difficult to change. But obviously it can be done.

Over that past nearly four years of weight loss blogging, I have watched a tremendous amount of bloggers come and go. Hundreds. Maybe a thousand or more. Some blog for a few weeks and quit. Most blog for a matter of months and then the posts slow down to a trickle and then *poof*, the blog disappears and you wonder whatever happened to them and their struggle. I've seen a lot of success and failure, including my own. But there is such a small percentage of blogs that remain. So few who were blogging back when I started in August 2007 are still around. I love the ones who are, even if they only post sporadically! Seeing long-term progress and/or dedication to improving one's health is a blessing for me. Anyone can blog and post happy losses for 2 or 3 weeks. It takes a lot of guts to hang in there for years, success or not, and show the world the real story.

I am sure some folks quit blogging because they just don't like to blog, don't have time, don't get the feedback they hoped for, or move on to other things and still lose the weight. But I have a feeling... and the occasional resurrection of long-lost blogs seems to back this up... that bloggy silence and disappearance usually happens because folks feel like they are not a "success", they are having a hard time losing weight or keeping it off, and they are just plain discouraged and sometimes embarrassed. Understandable. I've been there too.

So far, for me, blogging has been a sustainable change in my life. But the other nitty gritty is harder to sort out. People obviously have a hard time changing from a junk food, greasy/salty/sugary overeating diet to one full of lean meats and vegetables. It is doable, and the changes in health and body become a driver. But if the mind doesn't change, things tend to slip back to the way they were. And I think the older we are, the harder it is to change.

I am eating small portions, frequently. That has proven to be sustainable. I am eating a healthy, reasonable dinner of lean protein and vegetables and healthy fat in appropriate portions. That has also been sustainable, although I have my days where a pan of lasagna and a loaf of garlic bread sound very tempting. I have to say Medifast has helped me incorporate a better way of eating dinner (grainless, sugarless, reduced fat, high protein, low carb, high veg) and also taught me to eat small portions every 3 hours. I can sustain this.

However, some things are soooo, sooo hard for me to change in my head. When I was a little kid, I was fed a LOT of sugar and junk. My mom couldn't cook, and she had a weight problem and (I think) an eating disorder, and it was always either a freezer stocked with Weight Watcher meals (that I was not allowed to touch) or bins of ice cream and frozen treats. It was either salads or potato chips. Cream of wheat or chocolate ice cream for breakfast. Lots of hot dogs as a toddler. I barely remember eating any fruit as a child. Lots of boxed mac n cheese. Lots of McDonald's. And even now as a 41-year-old woman, those are the foods I WANT by default. I have not had McDonald's for something like a year and a half now and never will go back to that, but the other things? Hard.

If all nutrition was equal, I would STILL choose chocolate ice cream, potato chips, candy bars, hot dogs, Coke, and the like for about 80% of my meals. All the delicious, well-prepared salads, veggies, chicken, fish, fresh fruit, etc has not changed that. People do say that their tastes change over time and they no longer want that kind of thing, but for me it is difficult. I don't think about it all the time. I let it go and don't obsess (once I am off those foods for a week or so and get them out of my system), but the fact remains that I would eat pizza and brownies every day if they didn't make me unhealthy and miserable.

And then someone will say, "so have your pizza and brownies! Nothing is off limits! Just count calories, have a slice of pizza and a salad for dinner and a brownie for dessert!" Well, that's all good in theory and everything, but I cannot remember EVER eating *one slice* of pizza or *one* brownie. In fact the first thought I have is "one brownie?? It's not even worth it." Because I cannot get the experience and effect I want from one piddly brownie. Even if it is frosted. I "need" a minimum of 4 or 5 brownies and 4 or 5 slices of pizza to get "the effect." Which tells me that what I am looking for from those kinds of foods is NOT taste as much as it is an *experience.* And that explains why I would eat an entire PAN of mediocre, dry brownies that don't taste very good. I am looking for an experience that only comes with *volume.*

If I could have a healthy, strong body and eat junk food and not exercise, I'd do it.
If I could get *the experience* from carrots and chicken breast, I'd do it.
But I can't, so I make choices every day... every hour... to do what will lead me to my goals of better health and lower weight and greater strength. And I believe that *making choices* is sustainable.

THAT is what will get me to my goal and keep m there. My choices. My decision not to follow my desires all the time... not to give in to what I'd really prefer, and not to fool myself into thinking I'm "cured" or whatnot. It is always going to be my choices that take me wherever I end up, whether that be at 145 pounds or 245 pounds. Each choice is a step. And since I do not believe this eating disorder and skewed desire for food experience is, itself, something that will ever "go away," I am relying on my CHOICES... my brain, my power over my own actions... to be the sustainable thing and the factor that will get me where I want to go.

Be Free

Something I learned:

Food is never, never, never going to fix your problems! Food is not going to make you happy, is not going to take the loneliness away, is not going to give you courage to change things. Food is not going to fix the leaky sink, write your term paper, or fix a broken heart. It is not going to repair a relationship or wind back the hands of time. All overeating does is make you fat. NOT happy, not better, not loved and wanted. It is just food and it can only mask the problems by stealing your time and attention. It just helps you run away from the painful reality. Write it out. Say it out loud. "The painful reality is...." Finish the sentence. See what you have been running from all this time. Really. Finish that sentence from your heart, alone in your room, no one to hear it but you. Let the tears begin to flow. Stop running. turn and face it, head on... the feelings the issues, the emotions, the pain... all of it. Just turn and face it and plant your feet and scream and cry if you need to. Don't let it chase you anymore. Stand your ground and fight whatever you need to fight. Fight for your life, with dignity and honor. You don't need food for any of that. It is hard to battle or stand in a dignified manner with your mouth full of cookies.

It's time. Let it out, face it, feel it, mourn it. And then, just be. Be, without the numbing, escaping, drugging effects of food. Be, without running, without hiding. And truly be free.

Workout Wednesday!

On Monday, I started my arm exercise routine as well as my skin care regimen (which I had let slack for quite some time) and I am feeling very good about it! I hope you are, too, if you are following along doing the exercises. I started out slow, using 5 pound weights, watching myself in the mirror to be sure I have good form, lifting slowly. It was pretty easy for me to do 2 sets of 15 reps for each exercise. The overhead press was the hardest. The wall push-ups were very easy. Today, I will bump up to 8-pound weights and do as many reps as I can (up to 15). If any are still easy with 8 pounds, I will use 10 pound weights for those exercises next time. You want to be able to do at least 8 reps but should reach a state of not being able to do one more rep before you get to 15. That's how you know how heavy your weights should be. I use lighter weights for the wrist curls and reverse curls, by the way. Like 3 pounds right now as my wrists are weak. I will also switch to counter push-ups today, where you use the edge of a kitchen counter instead of the wall. It's a little harder than wall ones, but much easier than doing them on the floor (which would be impossible for me right now). I was able to do 20 crunches (2 sets of 10). I will update on my progress with the strength training every Wednesday.

My eating was perfect yesterday. For dinner, I made a nice medium rare steak (5 ounces) and ate a cup and a half of leftover mashed cauliflower with it. It was so good. Tonight I think I will slice up 5 ounces of leftover steak and put it over a mixed green salad with light blue cheese dressing. That ought to be enough beef for awhile!

Feeling good, staying off the scale and trying to keep a good mindset for my weigh-in on the first of June.

Yesterday

I had a good day yesterday. Here's what I ate:

7AM: coffee with sugar free creamer (I had given this up, but have gone back to it temporarily. I just could not get my coffee to taste "right" to me with other stuff).
8AM: Medifast oatmeal with a splash of almond milk
10AM: Medifast hot cocoa
Noon: Medifast chicken noodle soup
3PM: Medifast chocolate pudding
6PM: I made a lean, grass fed beef pot roast in the crock pot with sliced onions, garlic, and mushrooms. I enjoyed 5 ounces of roast, 1/2 cup of mushrooms, and a cup of delicious mashed cauliflower "potatoes" (recipe on my recipe page, link above).
8:30PM: Medifast brownie

I drank lots of water, walked a mile or two, and did all of my arm exercises that I posted yesterday. I only did about 1/3 of the PT exercises. It is harder to fit those in, for me, because they require more space, more positions, more equipment, and more time. I will keep working on it.

I guess my strategy right now is "quit thinking about it and just do it, and let the plan do the work." Just let it happen, stick to my eating schedule and my exercise and let the time go by and the pounds fall off. Whenever I start thinking about it, I make myself think about something else, like my kids or a project I need to do or training my dog. I am trying to break the focus on weight and weight loss. It is easier to just MAKE A DECISION ALREADY about what you are going to do, just do it, and quit messing with it.

Exercises for My Flabby Arms

Well, today is the day I start my arm renovation program. Yes, I get that there are many of you who have worked and tried and still have major arm issues. I get that there are no miracles for this kind of obesity-induced damage. But I believe. I believe in myself and the power I have to transform my own body. I believe that these arms can, and will, undergo an amazing transformation because of the care I am about to give them. It will take time, but I am determined. And I encourage anyone out there who wants to try and improve their arm flab to give it a shot. It can't hurt, it WILL help, and if you don't like the results, you can quit and eat junk to get back the arms you have now. Fair enough? Okay, let's go!

First, a starting point. I encourage you to take a measurement of your left (or right, whichever you prefer, but stick with that arm for measurements) upper arm before you begin. Take a tape measure and run it around your bicep, about halfway between your shoulder and elbow. Do this on naked skin (no sleeves) and don't pull the tape measure super tight. My hanging flab is squishy enough to pack it into a smaller space (like a sleeve) so I could get several different measurements if I wasn't consistent. So I try to put the tape measure against the skin with my arm out to the side as in the first picture below, without squishing it upward. Whatever way you measure, be consistent. You'll want to write down your arm measurement and check it again every month or so. My measurement this morning was 15.5 inches.

Pictures, which I hate posting but hey, this is reality...

And this is what I get when I put my hand on my hip...

Side view:

and no, the general lumpiness of my body under that tee shirt does not escape me. That's what an extra 18 pounds will do. When I put on a better shirt (i.e., looser and thicker fabric) I still look pretty good with a defined waist, but the arms ruin it for me. This is why I am still in sleeves in 80 degree weather.

So... with that negative bit out of the way, here is my routine for improving the arms. Feel free to join me, with or without progress pictures on your blog or in the privacy of your home. I would love to see your results!

Every day I will be doing the following exercises using hand weights/dumbbells. I will start with 5 pounds and increase as my strength builds. The goal is to be able to do 12 to 15 repetitions of each exercise, two times. Each "set" of 12-15 reps should have a short rest in between, maybe a minute or so. If it is super easy for you to do 12-15 reps, you need to add more weight (say, 8 or 10 pound dumbbells). This whole routine should take 15-20 minutes. You can get results doing this twice a week, but three times a week is better. I am aiming for Mon-Weds-Fri. I plan to update every Wednesday how I am doing (Workout Wednesday!)

Wall push-ups (you just do push-ups by leaning against a wall instead of on the floor. Then when this is easy, progress to using the edge of a kitchen counter, then eventually use the floor)
Biceps curls
Triceps kickbacks
Overhead presses
Shoulder flys
Dumbbell shrugs
Bent over rows
Overhead triceps extensions
Wrist curls and reverse curls

That's it! Simple. If you don't know what some of these exercises are, they are easy to find by Googling them. You can find videos on youtube for good form for each exercise. It only takes a few minutes to learn to do these... a small investment of your time! Give it a try!

I am also adding crunches because I want to build some core strength.

This has nothing to do with arms, but I am also going to restart my physical therapy exercises for my knees and hips. There are a LOT of them, in fact, so many that it was starting to get overwhelming to me in the end. I think I will begin with the ones they had me start with:

warm up 5 minutes on the bike or walking
wall squats with a large exercise ball behind my back
side lying leg lifts with the heel of the upper foot pressed against a wall behind me
balance on 1 foot for 60 seconds (on a mini trampoline is harder)
standing straight-leg lifts in all four directions (add resistance bands or weights as this gets easier)
calf raises (standing on one foot, push up to stand on tiptoes, then back down... hold a wall for balance)
bridges (lying on back)
one-legged squats on a 4" step (I need to find a video or image of this to show you what it is)

That's my plan, I know it is going to be a drag getting myself in the habit of doing this at first, but after just a week or so you DO feel a difference, and that big payoff from such a small time investment is enough to drive me to continue. I love feeling strong!

If you'd like to read up on strength training, try Weight Training For Dummies. It's the book I started with.

Let me know if you're in this arm thing with me. I will post results, whether they are great or not!

Mirror Check

Yesterday, I took a long, hard look in the mirror, trying not to be critical but also not gloss over what I see. I have had a lot of trouble with the image of myself in my head being very different from what I see in the mirror, and both of those things being very different from what other people see. I looked yesterday for two reasons:

1. Nothing fits. Okay, some things fit, but sure as heck not much. I am still down four pounds this month but am bloated from PMS and the scale was up a pound a few days ago even with being on plan 100%. I had an event to go to yesterday, grabbed my jeans and could not zip them. I put on a shirt and saw a muffin top bulging through. I looked through my closet and had a difficult time finding anything to wear.

2. No less than 3 times this week, I have had people I know give me "the look." You know the one. It's the look... the little brief glance/eye flicker that happens when you run into someone who hasn't seen you in awhile and you've gained weight. They smile and say hi but their eyes, just for a split second, flick downward to your belly or waist or legs, taking in the change. It is, in fact, the same look you get when you see someone you haven't seen in awhile and you have *lost* weight, except in that case the eyes may linger a bit longer and they smile bigger and say something along the lines of "wow! You look great!" Only, when you look fatter, they don't say anything. Trust me on this, I know the look, and I got it this week. Three times.

So I stood in front of the mirror and looked. The weight I have regained all went to my belly. In fact, in the wrong clothes, I look like I *could* be pregnant. Just not enough for people to ask (thank goodness). Between that and the oddly disproportionate arms, it's enough to keep me focused on eating right and getting that exercise started.

Tomorrow I will start doing my physical therapy and arm routine. I will share the exercises with you, in case you're interested. I think I will throw some crunches in there, too, for good measure.

More on the Arm Thing...

As I was looking back through my old blog posts, I found one about my arms, written one year ago in April. I am amazed at this post, because it is so loving and self-accepting and shared a difficult picture of what I was dealing with in hanging flab on my arms. Take a look: Flabby Arms: Exposed for Renovation.

If you've been reading lately, you know I am having a huge amount of trouble accepting this part of my body right now. Somehow, over the winter I developed an aversion to showing my arms. It's crazy, because I do weigh less than I did a year ago yet I no longer have that free feeling that allowed me to wear anything I wanted without feeling self-conscious. Yesterday I posted about my plan to add strength training to my routine. Crazy thing... I made this same commitment in that year-old post, but never followed through. This time I am doing it. I cannot stand the way my arms make me feel right now. In fact they look *worse* after losing more weight, because the skin is still there, hanging even lower and looser, and the fat now looks kind of chunky and weird instead of just plump and smooth like before. Several folks have commented that my workout routine is not going to fix my arms, but you know what? I have to believe it can get *better.* Not perfect, but for goodness sakes it just has GOT to get better! It is obvious from the pictures I took yesterday that I have a LOT of fat to loose from these arms. A lot! Losing the fat, smoothing things out a bit, shrinking them down and defining the muscle is going to improve the look and feel of my arms, even if I still have hanging skin. If I didn't believe that, I would go drown myself in a batch of milkshakes and cupcakes right now. It is that distressing to me.

So, obviously, I know my arms look horrendous, and I do not usually "talk down" about my body at all, but this is the first time I have truly felt ill whenever I look at a certain part of me in the mirror. I can accept it just fine when it is covered with sleeves or when I am naked alone, but throw a t-shirt on me and try to go out the door and the stress is overwhelming so that I end up putting on long sleeves in 100 degree weather. So, it does take a lot for me to post these pictures. I do not expect anyone to tell me they aren't that bad; they are. But I am working to change this. I am GOING to post update pictures of these arms throughout the summer. I am going to feel better about this part of my body. I cannot live with the amount of crazy anxiety this gives me.

I will post the pictures soon, along with my list of exercises so that anyone who wants to can join in and improve their body. If your arms are a trouble spot for you, take a couple of pictures in the mirror and get ready to work those arms starting next week. All it will take is 15-20 minutes 3x a week and a couple of hand weights. I will probably start with 5 or 8 pounds and work up. I had gotten up to 15 pounds dumbbells for some exercises back when I was lifting before.

We can't control everything, but we can make our best effort and be proud of the improvements we do make.

New Plan for Changing My Body

All these years, since I started blogging in 2007, I have gone back and forth about whether I "need" to exercise while losing weight or not. I've gone through many phases; at first, I was almost crippled by my weight and arthritis and was unable to take even a short walk, so I worked on mobility by walking just a little bit more each day until I could do two miles. I didn't really do much else in the way of exercise, and still I lost 64 pounds just by changing my diet and walking short distances. Later, I added strength training. I felt fantastic and strong just by adding a simple home routine with hand weights for 15-20 minutes, 3 times a week. But it got boring, I got sick of doing it, I dropped it. For awhile there, I was biking religiously. I rode my indoor, stationary recumbent exercise bike most days of the week; I'd do 7 miles or so in a half hour. But nagging little injuries would crop up: pain my one foot, then the other; knee pain, hip pain. I bagged biking and went back to walking. Last year I went to physical therapy to strengthen my knees and hips. I did the exercises 3x a week at home and saw huge improvements in strength and mobility. But then I got sick for over a month, bagged all the exercise, and became a lump of inactivity.

Lately I have been thinking, "oh, I need to get back to doing my PT exercises. They made a huge difference." And last night, watching the Biggest Loser, I was just astounded by the athletic people on the screen who, just 15 weeks earlier, were weak and morbidly obese. And I thought, "hey, this is what is missing in my program. I need conditioning!" I know I can lose weight without exercise. I can do it with simply walking the dog a couple miles a day (which is all I am doing for exercise right now). But maybe it's time to get back to some strength training, including the PT exercises I'd been doing. Those all focus on lower body and core strength, but I feel like I need to add arm exercises, too. I am still having nightmares about my arms. Every time I put on a t-shirt and look in the mirror, I actually become distressed and change my clothes to cover my arms. I need that to stop. I think my confidence will grow if I am actually working on my arms; strengthening along with losing more weight should help. It certainly can't hurt!

This morning, I took pictures of my arms from the angles that bother me the most. I think they are horrendous, and I think when I post them most of you will agree they are really bad and make me look bigger than I am. My camera battery is recharging and I will upload and post them later. It takes a lot for me to share them, if I can stand to do it, so I am asking for your support as I work to reshape my body. Okay?

So the plan is: stick to my eating plan, keep walking daily, and get started on a PT/strength training program at home. I wish I had a personal trainer, but I don't, so I will be putting together a routine similar to the one I did earlier in my weight loss. I need to get a notebook and write down all the PT exercises that I can remember, call the therapist and see if I missed any, and add a few arm exercises in there. I feel both hope and dread about doing this, but it is necessary, I think, so I am going to do it. I will start next week, because I need time to write it up, get my weights out, and get through the first of 3 dance recitals this weekend. I hope this is the boost I need to get excited again about changing my body.

Feel free to bug and nag me about whether I actually got my routine together and started on Monday and whether I am keeping up with it! I am such a procrastinator, but I am going to DO this, work hard at it, and post new arm pictures when I can see a difference. If you would like to do my program along with me, I'd really love that! Just check with your doctor first, because I am no expert. I will share my list of exercises soon.

The Unfulfilling Binge

It is so wonderful to be in a place of satisfaction with eating, and feeling good and distanced from the old habits a bit. I do think it is very important in times like these, as well as times when one is feeling like they're about to slip back, to actually *remember* what it felt like to binge, or eat off plan. It really is never fulfilling. It's amazing to me how much better every food is in my vivid memory when I am trying to stay away from it... everything is creamier, crunchier, saltier, tastier, richer, and just all around more delicious in my head. And then when I finally give in, it is a huge let down. A giant disappointment. Especially after the dramatic build-up and frenzy that proceeds a binge. I get all riled up, imagining how awesome the food would taste, tell myself no, fight it, struggle, and then feel a burst of relief when I decide to go ahead and have it. And then I eat it and it is just blah, at best.

Here is something I wrote some time ago after just such an experience:

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I was doing so great with my eating yesterday that I decided it would be okay to stop at the buffet with my kids while we were out shopping. I felt strong; no temptations would affect me. I was fine. I knew how to eat at a buffet. I could do it. I ignored the nagging whisper in my head telling me I was making a mistake, and went anyway.

I felt so strong and healthy as I piled up salad fixings on my plate: greens, spinach, cucumbers, tomatoes, mushrooms, broccoli, and cauliflower. I used a little bit of dressing... not too much... and got a small strip (about 2 ounces) of tender steak on the side. I grabbed my ice water and plunked some lemon slices into it. Delicious! Then I went back and got about 4 ounces of sliced, roasted turkey breast and a helping of cooked green beans. It was all very good, and I was just fine! Except, it kind of bugged me, walking past all the fried stuff. The fried chicken, the taco bar, the onion rings... and then I went to get my sugar free jello from the dessert bar. Oh, the desserts. How luscious they looked. But I got my jello and sat down. Just then, I saw a very large woman coming back from the buffet with her plate loaded up with fried potatoes, cheese, potato salad, and fried chicken. She was about my age and probably about 300 pounds, but suddenly I was jealous. It was not fair!! Why did she get to eat all that and I didn't? It pissed me off. (Yes I am well aware that makes no sense). And I thought, darnit, I want fried chicken and ONE piece is not going to kill me!! So yes, after I had my jello I marched right back up there for a fried chicken thigh. On the way I snagged some taco meat, cheese, and sour cream, a bit of stuffing, and some macaroni & cheese. I got back to my table and was eating every bite. But the chicken was way too salty and greasy, and so was the taco meat. It sucked! I was pissed off again, that I wasted my calories on something that tasted like crap. But the reaction in my head was to "try again" and go back for another piece of chicken and taco meat. I didn't do it, but I thought about it. And then I got myself a small, sugar free vanilla ice cream cone and dipped it in chopped peanuts. It reminded me of a Drumstick ice cream cone. I hate those. I ate it all.

Today, I was going along eating healthy but this image kept popping up in my head. It was the memory of the shiny, hot breakfast sausage links that were laying in a pan on the buffet last night. I wanted some but didn't have any. And now I was obsessed with sausages. I HAD to have SAUSAGES!! So after I ran errands with my daughter, I took her out to Denny's for lunch so I could have my sausages. I was fantasizing about them: plump shiny links just bursting with flavor! But when they brought my egg white veggie omelet with a side of sausages, they were NOT what I had envisioned. They were those nasty, shriveled-up, dry looking brown-and-serve types with no casings. I was soooooooooo disappointed. But I ate them anyway. And then all day I plotted how I would get the "right" sausages somehow. And maybe some cake or something, too. After all, I already screwed the day up.

Tonight, I gave myself permission to eat whatever I wanted to. I drove to the store, excited, knowing I'd finally get my sausages PLUS anything else I had wanted, like potato chips and a cupcake. I even imagined and planned coming out to the car and eating the cupcake in the parking lot before driving home. It was part of the ritual, somehow. The sneaking, the hiding, the brazenly eating in a public place where I might get "caught" by a stranger. I went into the store, and the letdown began. The sausages in the meat case didn't look that great, but I grabbed some anyway. The chips? Well maybe I didn't really want them after all, I dunno. Maybe a pizza? But none of them looked good either. I finally started tossing random stuff that I *thought* I might like into the cart: a couple of those teeny tiny sized ice cream cups, some sweet potato chips with sea salt, a frozen Amy's organic mac n cheese, a veggie protein smoothie, a thin crust chicken pizza, some freshly ground coffee beans, and a Coke Zero. And the piece of cake. The cake, because I'd wanted a cupcake to eat in the car, but none of them looked good to me yet somehow I really had to have some kind of cake to eat in the parking lot. I grabbed a single slice of lemon cake in a plastic clamshell. And when I got out to the car, I broke out the cake and started to eat it. Yes, I did, I ate it with my fingers in the car in the parking lot. I felt ridiculous, it didn't even taste good after the second bite, it was just gross, and the whole experience was so unfulfilling and disappointing that I stopped and threw the rest of the cake away.

Got home, tried a sweet potato chip, it was uninspiring. Gave them to my teens to eat. Sipped on the Coke Zero, thought about all the stuff I now had that I had planned to "binge" on, and realized I didn't give a crap about any of it. And that if I got out any one of those things and started eating them, it would never be as good as I had thought it would be. This whole night has been a far different experience for me than I am used to. I meant to binge... really I did. But I didn't even want to once I had the stuff. And seriously... a protein smoothie?? A Coke Zero?? A single serving of organic mac n cheese? How is this even binge food? The only thing remotely resembling the binges of the past is the cake. A few bites of cake. Not 10 packages of Tastycakes. Not a bag of Cheetos and six hot dogs. Not 4 candy bars and 3 donuts. Not a pack of Oreos. Just the difference in *what* I bought to binge on is astounding to me... nevermind that I didn't even actually eat any of it when I got home.

There's one more thing. When I was in the ice cream aisle, I saw the Drumsticks. You know, the ones I don't like. The ones that I was reminded of by my sugar free ice cream cone dipped in peanuts last night. Those. I have never liked them, even as a child. Bland, uninspiring ice cream with a fakey flavorless shell and peanuts... yuck. And I have always, all my life, hated those pointy crunchy ice cream cones... sugar cones, I think they're called. Awful! Yet when I saw them in the freezer aisle, I lingered. I noticed they had individually wrapped Drumsticks for sale, hanging between the ice cream cartons. I opened the door. I grabbed one. I held it in my hand and thought, "what??? I hate these!" and put it back. I walked a few feet and at the very end of the aisle, there they were again. Another row of hanging Drumsticks. I couldn't stand it. I opened the door and grabbed one and headed to the checkout. Why??? Why, I don't even understand it myself. This compulsion to buy ( and sometimes eat) things I do not like. I dunno, it is weird, but I didn't eat it. I don't want it. It just sits there, making me wonder about myself.

Every binge ends in sadness. Even the ones with food that tastes good. Even the ones where you successfully mute the voice of reason so you can get high on a bucket of cookies or a half gallon of ice cream. It's always sadness in the end. Sadness and disappointment. In the food, in yourself, in your life.

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It's true, what I wrote back then. And I never want this lesson I've learned to fade. If only I can summon up the essence of those emotions *before* succumbing to a binge, I think I will have the key to prevention.

Happy Monday!

I am feeling great on this rainy spring morning! How about you?

I managed to stay very close to my ideal plan over the last 4 days, and am still down 4 pounds from the first of the month. I struggled there for awhile, but every day without junk it gets easier. Today I feel the fog lifting and my energy coming back.

My puppy is 6 months old now, and is "blowing coat" for spring (aka huge amounts of shedding hair). She is an indoor dog who spends all her time very near me, in the living room, kitchen, yard... wherever I go. With this nice cool rainy weather she also gets to come with me in the car when I run errands. Her training is going very well (competitive obedience and tracking) and she really is keeping me active. In case you missed it, she was my 100-pounds-lost gift to myself, and is the best gift I could have come up with! She is my personal trainer, my link to new social events and making new friends and connections, my reason for wanting to be fit (to keep up with her and maybe try agility), plus as an added bonus, she stares at me, unblinking, whenever I eat someplace other than the kitchen table. Nothing says "stop stuffing your face and get off the couch" like a puppy sitting 12 inches from your face staring and occasionally drooling on your keyboard.

I feel like my body is singing from the way I am finally feeding it. I feel happy. Oh I have my moments where I still feel overwhelmed and fat and annoyed with life's circumstances, but every day the energy and happiness is increasing and the fog is going away a bit more. I am so glad things are finally falling into place.

I am still doing the Medifast plan but did go back to 5&1 and cut out the fruit and dairy. I feel so much more focused at this lower level of carbs. Not sure yet what this means for my long-term eating plan at maintenance, but I am considering cutting out dairy permanently (although cheese is my major weakness) and keeping fruit to 1 serving per day. I'll figure it out when I get there.

Have a beautiful day!

Thumbs Down to Subway (and Starbucks), but I Made It Work

Yesterday was a very long day for me. My little one and I spent hours on dance stuff, and we didn't have time to go home for dinner (nor did we pack one). I really wanted to stay on plan so I thought, "hey, Subway salads are supposed to be fresh and good, and I can get whatever veggies I want on it!" So off I went to get a salad from their drive thru to eat at dance.

Well, it looked good on the menu, anyway...

I ordered the Grilled Chicken & Baby Spinach Salad. A layer of baby spinach, some grilled chicken, and I asked for tomatoes, olives, green peppers, a little bit of red onion, and "extra" cucumbers with Ranch dressing. I asked about mushrooms but they didn't have them. Well... okay. The spinach was fine, and so was the chicken, but come on, people. 2 tiny thin tomato slices with huge white cores? 4 slices of olives? a hunk of green pepper the size of a cookie? And so much onion I had to pick a bunch off? And excuse me, is 6 cucumber slices "extra"? Yes? Okay then, can someone please explain to me why a "fresh" cucumber slice would have a brownish yellow ring around the middle?? Dry, discolored. Far from "eating fresh." I don't think I have ever thrown a cucumber away before. And then, I went to add the dressing and guess what they gave me? FAT FREE Ranch. Which has something like 26g carbs instead of the 3g carbs in regular Ranch. I was so annoyed but I threw out the dressing, picked off the pepper hunk, brownish cukes, and most of the onions and ate my plain, boring, dry salad. Hardly worth the $6 price tag. You flunk, Subway. Salad FAIL!

Today was another good, on-plan day. I had a trigger moment at a party where hot dogs were being served and I was trying to negotiate to myself, "oh I can just eat a plain hot dog on a plate, and not eat the bun, and it will be low carb!" But I didn't fall for it and stayed away. I also had a trigger moment when I saw a big Starbucks sign advertising its new drink: a Mocha Coconut Frappuccino. Oh wow. But I managed to come home and make my own frap with a Medifast chocolate pudding packet, a cup of water, a half cup of ice cubes, a teaspoon of instant coffee, and a few drops of coconut extract in the blender. It was soooo good. Loved it. You can make one, too, if you have a favorite chocolate protein powder shake. Just mix up 8 ounces of protein shake and add the ice, coffee, and extract. Yum. Starbucks' version has 210 calories and 48 grams of carbs in a 12 oz, nonfat with no whipped cream. Mine had 110 calories, 15 g carbs and more than 3 times the protein. I'll stick with homemade.

(p.s.... a grande Starbucks Mocha Coconut Frappuccino made with whole milk and topped with whipped cream has 550 calories, 18 g fat, 95 g carbs! Way to drink your dinner... a Big Mac has less calories!)

Hope you're having a great weekend!

Note

Just a brief note to let you know that when Blogger went down yesterday, one of my posts was deleted (which was reposted today) and also, apparently, many comments of yours on my other blog posts were also deleted. Blogger has said that all missing posts and comments will be restored, but so far they haven't been. I just didn't want you to think I was deleting all your comments! Catch you later.

Healthy Burgers, Low Carb "Mashed Potatoes," and My Life

Last night was a good night! I made turkey burgers for dinner and the kids even loved them! You can make yummy lean burgers by just mixing lean ground turkey and/or ground turkey breast (I like to use a mixture of half and half to lower the fat but keep the flavor, as ground turkey breast alone can tend to be a little dry) with some very finely chopped veggies and a little bit of Egg Beaters to help hold it together. Chopped spinach is my favorite, but minced garlic, onions, red and green peppers, and even very finely chopped broccoli makes a delicious burger. I also add some seasonings like black pepper and Herbs de Province but you can use any seasonings you like. I baked the burgers in a 425 degree oven until they were cooked through, gave the kids theirs on buns, and had mine on a plate with a heaping side of mashed cauliflower aka "faux mashed potatoes." It's a great way to enjoy "mashed potatoes" that are creamy, yummy, low carb and healthy. Just steam some cauliflower until very soft (I cut up a small head, put it in a glass bowl with a little water, covered with plastic wrap and nuked about 10 minutes). Then drain, pat dry, and add something yummy. I used 4 triangles of Laughing Cow Light garlic & herb cheese for the whole head, but you can use any Laughing Cow triangles in any flavor you like, OR light cream cheese, OR sour cream. Add seaasonings like salt, pepper, garlic, and chives. I mash it with a potato masher and then use my favorite kitchen tool, the Stick Blender, to puree it to a creamy, mashed potato texture. Or you can use a food processor. SO good!

I have mentioned before that I am the mother of five children, but haven't shared a whole lot about them just out of respect for their privacy (two are adults, two in high school, one in kindergarten!) But let me share a bit about my youngest and the excitement we are having this week!

My little princess is five years old. She is such a sweet little blessing, very cute and petite with long blonde hair and sparkling blue eyes, and had a rough start in life. She spent her first 5 1/2 weeks in the hospital and then much of the following months at home on oxygen, meds, and monitors while I cared for her. She is much better now! As she became more well, I enrolled her in things like gymnastics, sports, and movement classes as a form of fun physical therapy. Over the years, it's become crystal clear where her passion lies as all other things dropped by the wayside: dance. She is always dancing, singing, and twirling in her flowery dresses all around the house, the yard, at school and in her classes. She is in her third year of ballet, second year of tap dancing, and just completed her first year of jazz dance. So as you can see, I am pretty busy running her to classes! It's become such a wonderful thing for us both and I so love watching her learn. Anyway, it's the end of the year and her dance school puts on a year-end recital where all the kids get to wear their special costumes and dance on stage for a rather large audience. It is so cute and the girls all get a bouquet of flowers at the end. It is a pretty big deal! So this is what is consuming our time over the next 2 weeks or so: practices, class pictures, dress rehearsals, and the big performances on 3 nights. I love it! I love seeing my girl so happy and doing something she truly loves with her friends. By the way, she is my only daughter, so this was quite a switch from all the years of Little League, Boy Scouts, monster trucks, flag football, soccer, and bug collections. I am truly blessed to have experienced both worlds.

I am off to do dance stuff! Enjoy your life!

Thoughts

I have had some crazy desperate thoughts this week as I have battled craving after craving and way too much hunger. (No, my calories have not been too low. Probably too high, as I got on the scale and it bumped back up a pound). I started wondering what I could "take" to kill my appetite. You know that desperation... the place I was 4 years ago when I was 278 pounds and nothing seemed to "work" and I was Googling everything from "how to lose weight fast" to "diet pills that work." I was ready to do almost anything and pay as much as I had to to get the weight off back then. Yet everything I tried... Weight Watchers, OA, Jenny Craig, Atkins, Eat Right 4 Your Type, Carb Blocker chews, Dexatrim, Slim Fast, the Weigh Down Diet, one day on Nutrisystem (yuck), Fat Busters, and so many other methods... did not "work." I know, lots of people will say "diets don't work" but I am a believer that "any reasonable, healthy diet works IF YOU WORK IT." Some of those things I tried were not reasonable, some were not healthy, but some work for lots of other people who lose weight and keep it off. It is really a matter, in my opinion, of trying various (healthy) things until you find something that works for YOU and yields better health as measured by your doctor and yourself. Over all these years of trying to lose weight, only 3 things "worked" for me and got approval from my doctor:

1. South Beach Diet. And I do not mean using their products. I just mean eating according to their food lists: good carbs, good fats, that kind of thing. I lost about 40 pounds on SBD several years back. Of course, I gained it all back when I started eating cake and ice cream in huge quantities again, which will happen regardless of how you lose weight.

2. Calorie counting. I used the free site, Sparkpeople.com, to log my calories and stay in a range from 1400-1800 per day. This is how I lost the first big chunk of weight on this journey as you can see by reading my blog archives. It's simple, free, and you can eat whatever fits into your calories for the day, although I did try to make healthier choices and eat lots of veggies. This method fell apart for me after 64 pounds lost and I started having a hard time staying away from junk food.

3. Medifast. This is, by far, the easiest way I have ever found to lose weight. It got me out of a 20-month stall and I lost 59 pounds before I stopped following the program and started a regain. Yes, they sent me the food for free. However I have been blatantly honest about what I feel are the positives and negatives of this program, and my opinion remains that this is THE best "system/diet" out there (calorie counting aside, which is free and available to everyone).

So the other day I was thinking that if I could find an appetite suppressant pill I would think about taking it. I am feeling that desperate. I started Googling appetite suppressants and was reminded of all the health risks and dangers of those kinds of things. And then I remembered something. When I was doing the Medifast 5&1 plan, I had very little appetite. Kind of how it is on South Beach phase 1 or Atkins... you go into some stage of ketosis (very mild on Medifast but a stronger state on Atkins because of ingesting far fewer carbs). And that ketosis gets rid of cravings. In fact there were times on Medifast when I almost forgot to eat. I just did not get hungry. Well, I want that back. I think I need to cut the fruit and yogurt back out. They have just been making me hungry/cravey. But really, why would I even consider taking an appetite suppressant when I can get the same effect without the health risks just by cutting out fruit and dairy? So that's my plan. Back to 5&1.

Frankly I am sick of this merry-go-round and just want to get the weight off already with one method and quit screwing around trying stuff that may or may not "work."

Habits

I stayed on plan yesterday and am doing fine today, but I still fight weird food-crazy thoughts in my head.

Have you ever *seriously* wondered if you could just eat 6 cupcakes and a sugar free latte and then starve yourself for the rest of the day? No? Must just be me...

I wouldn't do it, but yes I think about it. I wouldn't do it because I am a major failure at any form of starving myself, which is good, (I get crazy and binge if I don't eat for 4 hours), so in the past when I'd try some harebrained scheme like "I will just eat this package of cookies but nothing else all day" I end up having half a pizza for dinner, because I get  crazy blood sugar drop and then think "oh well I ate cookies so I may as well have pizza and start again tomorrow." I cannot tell you how many "restarts" I have had with that way of thinking. I am working hard on not screwing around like that anymore. But yeah, it's a hard habit to break.

On another note, last night I dreamed my son was the size of a linebacker and Mary Poppins was at my church (I don't even have a church) and she was about 80 pounds overweight and trying to lose it. What does it mean?????????? lol...

Taking It Back

I didn't give in to that latte and cupcake I blogged about earlier today. Oh, it was a close battle there for awhile. I actually found myself thinking that maybe I *did* want the cupcake more than I want to lose weight, but that's not really true. That's just the cravings talking. Your comments helped... lots of insights and things for me to think about. And after I blogged, I took the pup out for yet another 1-mile walk, came home, did some cleaning, and promised myself that if I could tough it out til 3 o'clock, I would make myself an iced mocha out of Medifast hot cocoa and coffee. I made it through, whipped up my iced mocha and out the door I went to pick up my daughter from school, enjoy playgroup, run her to her dance class and try on her recital costume, and then bring her home for dinner.

And let me tell you, it was touch and go all evening. I wanted to eat a bunch of crap SO BADLY. I ate some extra chicken, plain. I ate one ounce of cheese, and one fresh strawberry. I mixed up a Medifast chocolate pudding and stuck it in the fridge for later. And now I am okay.

Let me be frank. I want cupcakes. But I also want to feel better about my body. I want my knees to stop hurting. I want to stop eating in secret and hiding my intake from my children and feeling terribly guilty eating in front of my puppy who sits in front of me and stares. I want to get back to not feeling embarrassed of myself. I want to drop 20 pounds, pronto. A.S.A.P. Right now. And that ain't gonna happen with a cupcake.

I think it is awesome that some people *can* have one cupcake and still lose weight. But I am an addict. One cupcake is never, has never been, enough. I always go back for more. Yes, I go back to the store multiple times per day for *more junk.* It makes me sad. I want to be free again.

I want to get this damn thing done already and I am, right now, using Medifast to do it. If I can just tough it out for a couple of days while the sugar gets out of my system, the rest will be so much easier. I want that back. I am taking it back right now.


*FTC-required disclosure: Medifast provided me with its products for my personal use for free. I am not paid or compensated in any other way for mentioning their products.*

How??

How is it that I can have a satisfying breakfast and snack, eat plenty of protein, stay very low carb, drink lots of water, walk a mile, have a huge mixing bowl full of salad with 1 1/2 chicken breasts diced up in it for lunch, and STILL all I want is a latte and a cupcake???

Change in Perspective

I've been trying to figure out how to get back to the place I was last summer, where food didn't matter so much and life was great. Lately, I've felt obsessed with food and weight and binge eating and everything surrounding it. I don't like it. I feel like real LIFE is passing me by while I focus on food.

It's as if my DIET is the foreground... the main event in life when I am trying to lose weight. (and by "diet," I just mean "what we eat." Feel free to substitute "lifestyle change" or "food" or the phrase of your choice in this post.) The foods I eat... whether they be healthy or junkola... eclipse everything else. Kind of like this:

                                        
life life life DIET DIET DIET life life life

Instead, I want the "diet" to be in the background. I want it to just be a calm, silent backdrop to the rest of a rich, vibrant life. Like this:


diet diet diet LIFE LIFE LIFE diet diet diet


That is pretty much how I felt last summer on Medifast. I lost the obsession with food. I ate every couple of hours, on a schedule, and didn't think about food in between. In fact, sometimes I forgot to eat! I was so busy experiencing life that food didn't really matter.

I want that back. I didn't even realize I'd lost it.

My theory is that the less I have to think about food, the more time I have to think about other things, like, for example, my children. Or friends. Or hobbies. Life. And that "food on the brain" for me comes from two places:

1) eating refined carbs, sugar, white flour, salty greasy addictive-type stuff. I read about that here and I am a firm believer. I think I am carb sensitive and have to watch the carbs. I eat a slice of whole wheat bread and I want 6 more slices. It's like I can't stop thinking about the bread. So, when I eat a lower range of carbs (85-100 grams/day) I have an easier time NOT obsessing about food.

2) eating predictable, limited choices. Medifast took care of that. Pick a bar or a packet or a shake and be done with it. Very limited choices. Dinner had to be prepared but was also fairly limited from a list of protein sources and vegetables... usually I was eating some combo of salad or steamed broccoli and chicken breast, fish, eggs, or lean beef. Simple. Takes the obsessing out of the picture.

Right now I am trying to get to a place where life is in the forefront and food/diet is in the background. I will let you know how it is going. Today, very well, so far!

Changing

I think another light bulb came on for me this morning.

I really have been quite obsessed with the scale number, the clothing sizes, the ugly arms, the fat thighs, and have, in my head, been in panic mode of OMG HOW AM I GONNA STOP THIS ROLLER COASTER AND GET THIS WEIGHT OFF????? I've vacillated between "oh well, I will just try and eat healthy and accept myself" and "omg I have to stop eating or I am going to explode!" I admit it... mentally I have been completely wrapped up in how/when/why/omg/too fat/this is hard/what am I gonna do" for quite some time... several months, probably. This morning, I took a few moments to CALM DOWN and look objectively at what's going on.

I have regained some weight. And the overwhelming feeling/emotion I have, that I have been trying to ignore or cover up, is embarrassment. Humiliation. Even though I *know* people do not love me less than they did 19 pounds ago, and I know I have still done something phenomenal in my life, and that I am more than a size, I still have those feelings. I know I *should not* feel humiliated. Everyone will tell me that. And that's why I've been ignoring and trying to stuff down those feelings. But you know what, they are there, and once I let myself feel them and acknowledge them this morning, I felt such relief.

I acknowledge that I am embarrassed and feel humiliated that when I go out, people no longer say "wow you are still losing weight! You look fantastic! What are you doing?" but instead give me a look that I interpret as "hmmm, is she getting bigger?" I feel embarrassed of my arms and my bigger pants and that it is obvious to anyone who has seen me recently that I have regained weight. I am embarrassed that people may be wondering if I am going to gain it all back, or what is wrong, or why I am screwing up. And in some deep, underlying way, I am actually ashamed of myself for letting go of the control I felt over my eating for months, and for sitting in a car alone eating candy bars and hoping no one will see me and trying to find  someplace to get rid of the evidence.

THAT is what has been underlying the general self-loathing negativity you may have sensed on my blog recently. It is utterly important that I acknowledge this, feel the feelings, take a breath, and move forward.

This morning, I practiced some self-love. I put on some nicer clothes and decided to box up those self-deprecating baggy jeans I've been wearing almost every day for months. They'd become the equivalent of the baggy black stretch pants with holes in the thighs that I used to wear when I weighed 278 pounds. I stopped caring about how I looked. I didn't even bother washing them very often. I knew they looked like crap, but they weren't too tight and I looked lousy anyway so who cared? I am stopping that behavior RIGHT NOW. Those baggy jeans will never cross my hips again.

I shaved my legs, gave myself a pedicure, broke out some cute sandals and some old, but still nice, denim capris. My daughter saw me and said, "You look pretty!" Self-care has truly been lacking, but starting now I am going to treat myself the way my little girl would treat me... and she has treated me like a queen on this Mother's Day. If I can love myself the way she loves me, my life will be so much richer.

I Packed Them All Away

I packed them all away last year... the fat clothes, the ones that were a bit too loose to wear anymore and would surely be sizes too big once winter was over and spring care 'round again. I'd already given away all the size 16's, 18's, 20's... all the way up to 26/28's and 3X shirts. Gone to the Goodwill or sold for a pittance, I will never need them again. But last fall, those 14's, they got tossed in the donate box somewhere, shoved in the garage or maybe the office to be sold sometime, someday. After all, my 12's were getting looser. I wore size 10 jeans and a medium shirt for my last update pictures.

I went shopping today. It's been getting hotter... into the 70's... and the long heavy jeans and sweaters I've been wearing are just too much. I have nothing... nothing in pants or capri length shorts for warm weather, so it was time to go shopping. That and the whole "omg my arms are atrocious" thing... I wanted to get a few lightweight, elbow-length but still springy shirts to wear. I still just cannot do the tee shirts yet. I tried yesterday, again. Told myself I was being ridiculous, to just put on the shirt and get over it. I put on the shirt, but I did not get over it. I looked in the mirror, saw the arms, and actually slammed my eyes shut tightly while muttering, "holy hell." I took the tee off and donned a sweater. Again.

So off I headed to Target, to buy a pair of denim capri pants (just below the knee is a flattering style for my body type) and a shirt or two. I found a cute greyish blue shirt in a size medium, which still is my size, that has sleeves to the elbows. Then I saw some really cute denim capris on the rack. I wondered what size to get. The jeans I am wearing now are oddly sized... only one pair of 14's cut too small yet they are baggy on me, and a couple of 12's that are a little snug. These capris were also oddly sized, and they were in the ladies' (but not plus) section so I assume they were adult women but not plus sized. I held up the 13's and the 11's. Not sure... maybe the 11's would fit? Or be very close? I decided to try them on to be sure. The 13's looked about right, but maybe a tad big for me.

I took them to the dressing room. I started with the 13's. Imagine my shock when I could not even get them up past my thighs. They were nowhere NEAR fitting me! I just sort of stood there, staring in the mirror and down at the pants hanging halfway up my legs. I checked the tags. I could not believe it. I fully expected these to fit or be a little too big. The crazy part is, this is the first time in my weight loss journey of nearly 4 years that I have misjudged in the "too small" direction. I have ALWAYS looked at pants and thought they were too small for me and have been amazed when they fit. So this was a real let down, and very confusing, and I stood there for a very long time, wondering what the heck just happened.

I took them off. And I bought them. I just could not walk out of there without something, and I didn't want to believe they didn't fit. I didn't want to buy nothing and feel like a failure and... strange as it sounds... let those pants defeat me. I bought them, they can't even go halfway up my thighs, but I AM going to wear them this summer. Mark my words.

And so I am left with no choice but to dig out that box of packed-up clothes from last fall and see if anything in there will fit me, for now. I hate that I need to do that, but I really do need something to wear, and it's just ridiculous to keep pretending I weigh 175 pounds. I don't. Last week I weighed 198. Yes, that's right, May 1, 2011: 198 pounds. Naked.

194 now. I am trying. I am tired of fighting, and need this battle to end. But how to end the battle and continue the journey to health? I'm not sure. But I will figure it out.

Fixing Things, and a Reality Check

My keyboard is still working only intermittently (certain letters) but I am going to try and get this post up, with the help of Virtual Keyboard and spellcheck.

All week I have been sort of messing around with my eating plan, watching portions, watching carbs, avoiding junk and generally just trying not to eat crap food. As of Thursday I was down four pounds. Yesterday I ate some junk instead of dinner, though. I hit the convenience store for junk. I did it out of stress... no excuse, I just gave in because I wanted to use food for stress relief. I didn't weigh this morning but will tomorrow.

The other day I went into a very large room that just happened to be well lit and have one entire wall completely lined with mirrors. I tried not to look, but it was unavoidable. There is no getting around it... I look bad. It doesn't help that I have taken to wearing baggier pants because the tighter ones are just a bit too snug for comfort. The jeans I had on yesterday hung off my body and I kept having to hike them up. However there is no mistaking the fact that I have gained weight. I also happened to be standing near a lady who I would describe as "much larger" than me at this time, yet in the mirror she did not LOOK much larger. She looked BETTER. I know we have completely different builds (apple vs pear) and she was dressed nicely and has thin legs, but seriously, last fall I looked so much better than I do now. It is kind of depressing.

I feel very unfocused about my eating without having a strict, line-in-the-sand plan, yet when I have one I cross the line. I am dissatisfied with a lot of aspects of my life right now and the way I feel about my body is just a symptom of that. The loss of control and uncertainty about how to eat mimics how I feel about other things in my life that I am trying to fix. Fix my life. Yes, that is the issue, I think... so many things I want to fix, and feeling quite disjointed about how to do it.

Regardless, the image of my not-svelte-looking self in baggy clothes in the mirror is one I will not soon forget. I hope it will drive me to continue this renovation of my eating, my body, my life.

second post tody

second post tody... just wnted to let you ll know tht my keybord ppers to be busted. cn you guess which letter is broken, long with the shift key/ i know i could use virtul keybord but tht is sooo slow. i lredy took the keys off, clened, used cnned ir, etc, but so fr no luck. there re severl of you i ws going to emil tody but, um, tht my be delyed. if i cnt get this fixed i will attach an external keyboard to my laptop (annoying) omg, hey, look! My A just worked! and my shift! I have no clue what just happened but... back to our regular programming!

Accountability Post

Just wanted to do a little accountability post... might do another post later.

Yesterday was better again. More Greek yogurt, a bit of fruit, a leftover chicken enchilada for lunch. I did have about 3T of chocolate chips mixed with walnuts. Someone oh-so-generously bought a huge, Costco-sized bag of chocolate chips for the pantry a couple weeks ago, for baking. However, they are bothering me. They are going downstairs to the "other", less accessible pantry. I wish they weren't in the house, but some family members like to add them to their pancakes and muffins so I will deal. I also ate the last 2 sugar free Klondike bars (will not be buying anymore of them) and one bowl of corn chips (another "I-didn't-buy-it" food that I wish was not in the house, and I am now swearing off corn chips permanently. I feel icky when I eat them). Overall, even with the unhealthier choices, I did better. Sometimes, you just have to take baby steps. Right now my baby steps include NOT going to the store for cake, cookies, etc and NOT stopping for lattes and iced coffees. And just trying to be moderate (which I have not been at all over the last week). Less volume, less calories. Scale was down another pound this morning. Just goes to show you, it does take a LOT of food and calories for me to maintain a regain. Cut back to a more reasonable amount and the weight starts to drop off. I will have to quit with the crap foods in order to feel better and continue losing. And I am still sort of winging it with my eating, trying to find a comfortable way to eat.

That's all for now, back later.

How It Is

Yesterday was slightly better. If you have ever binged or gone off the rails with food, eating whatever you pleased, you know it is really hard *mentally* to stop doing that once you've started. It's like an entitlement thing, almost, for me. I *deserve* to eat what I want. I am *thin enough* and I should NOT have to tell myself no. It makes no logical sense, because no one in their right mind eats 5 pieces of pie in an afternoon, thin or not. It is food abuse, it is a compulsion to finish ALL of the food.

Which reminds me, when I used to go on binge drives, I was always compelled to eat everything I bought and not save any for later. I would decide I was going to binge (although I didn't call it that back then) and I would hobble out to the car, drive to the store, and wheel the cart up and down every aisle, eyeing every possible food. ANYTHING that looked good to me got tossed in the cart. ANYTHING that flitted through my brain as a possible desire got thrown in there. (I'd like to note that this behavior went on after many years of poverty, eating only whatever the food bank handed out, having no money at all to actually PAY for food at the stores. Once I was out of that very restrictive condition, I went sort of nuts with glee that I *could* buy whatever food I wanted, within reason). The excitement would build as I tossed all manner of junk into my cart. I didn't HAVE to choose between cookies and donuts... I'd get both! Ice cream, pizza, whatever I wanted! The only bit of reality on those binge trips came at the checkout, as I was loading the contents of my cart into the checkout belt. Bag after bag of chips, candy, and treats. Tons of frozen convenience foods. Candy bars. Sodas. It looked like a joke... a stereotype of the food-crazy fat person buying all manner of crap and not a single fruit or vegetable. I knew it, and for a split second, I felt some guilt as I put all that stuff on the belt and people were watching and I felt ridiculous. But the food was more important, and I'd get it home and I would start eating. One thing after the other. And I felt I could not stop until I had had at least *some* of everything I'd purchased. Even if I was stuffed and nearly sick, I HAD to have some of it all. And it was pretty much assured that I would eat the rest the next day. All of it.

I don't do that anymore, thank goodness. But I remember, and I still see hints of that "finish it all" compulsion when I do buy some sugary or fatty type of thing. I didn't want to share it, and I didn't want to "make it last." I still am like that. When I bought that darned pie, it was because I had a really intense desire for pie. But not ONE piece of pie. I honestly wanted to eat the entire pie. Right then. All by myself. If I had my way I really wanted to just sit with the pie in my lap and a spoon and eat the whole thing. But I made myself cut it into 8 slices. I forced myself to give some of my kids a piece and put one piece on a plate for myself. But when the kids were gone doing something else, I went back for more. And more. And more. And the pie was gone. And later my son said "hey who ate all the pie?" and I shrugged.

Yesterday was a little better, as I said. Not perfect. But I am trying. I am working it out to try and find WHAT WILL WORK for me. I had my coffee in the morning. I had Greek yogurt and fruit for breakfast. Medifast shake at 10am, Medifast chicken noodle soup at noon. A slice of Swiss cheese, half a banana, and a diet Coke in the afternoon. I made chicken enchiladas for dinner. I haven't made them in AGES. I used low carb/high protein tortillas, chicken breast, and low fat ingredients for the sauce. I topped them with low fat 2% shredded cheese. I ate one and a half along with a salad. Not a bad day.

Except, I also had gone to the store earlier and bought a pack of sugar free Klondike bars. I really, really wanted cookies and donuts but I was trying to make a better choice that would keep me from flipping out. Guess what, I ate 4 of them last night. And you know, it's weird, but I feel okay about that. I am happy I reined it in from the way I ate last week. The sugar free bars were a better choice. And hey, I ate 4, not all 6. However I don't think I will be buying them again.

The scale is moving in the right direction again, slowly but surely, despite the Klondike snafu. My eating is not perfect, but I am trying to find a way I can eat that will allow me to stop obsessing about food. I am not sure what I am doing yet. I know I need to increase my exercise but believe me when I say I am at my limit time-wise with what else I can add into my life right now. I *might* be able to schedule in 15 minutes of strength training a couple times a week after school is out and dance recitals are over, but for now, the walks (2-3 miles/day) will have to suffice.

What's Going On

I have to clear something up. Just to be fair, and as I always try to be, honest and transparent.

My weight gain over the past 2 weeks (mostly this week) has NOT been from "eating real foods again." It has not been because I was on a low carb low calorie diet (which, by the way, included a lot of "real foods" like fresh veggies, lean meat, eggs, tofu, olive oil, etc) and suddenly added back in 2 servings of fruit and 2 servings of dairy. No.

I can see where you might get that idea. Some who read sporadically may not know I was already out of the "mild ketosis" state that eating 85-100 grams of carbs per day puts you in, which helps with weight loss. I had already been screwing around eating a piece of toast here or a cookie there and so had *already regained* that water weight everyone gains and loses with the start and stop of a low carb diet of any kind. I can also see where you'd assume the rude awakening I got from the scale yesterday was from my body getting used to adding back in more carbs and calories. But it's not.

No. See, and it's my fault you think that because I didn't blog last week. I was too busy flipping out.

If you are easily triggered, stop here and skip down to the next row of asterisks.

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Some of the things I ate last week:

pepperoni pizza (2 slices)
a hot dog, Coke, bag of chips
several candy bars at once
a pint of Haagen Dazs ice cream
5 slices of lemon pie (in one day)
3 donuts (at once)
several lattes, frappuccinos, and iced coffees from various coffee houses... most not sugar free
4 or 5 slices of a really *not good* cheapo bakery cake
6 or 7 brownies out of a pan I made
cheeseburger, fries, Pepsi
a large bag of corn chips
another pint of ice cream
a lot of cheese
a lot of nuts and chocolate chips
a chimichanga with meat, beans, cheese, sour cream
raspberry lemonade
French bread with butter
a couple of bratwurst on buns with mustard
a soft serve ice cream cone
a sub with meat, cheese, and mayo with a bag of chips
several servings of greasy mac and cheese
half a bag of Easter candy

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and probably some other things I don't even remember. Plus "normal" food and a smattering of Medifast meals during the 2 or 3 hours a day I tried to keep it together.

So, I have been bingeing. Yes, I have to admit that this is not just "a little indulgence" or a "bit off plan." I have been eating a LOT. Not as much as I used to before losing weight. But it is heading that direction. And yes it made me feel sick, and no I did not enjoy much of it. I was sort of going through the motions of eating all this stuff but not really liking it and hating that I was doing it. I have always said it was a form of self abuse and I think that's true.

I also have been thinking about why, how I feel, what's different.

Well, a couple things. I lost 100 pounds and my life is not magically a superlife. Oh, yes, it is far far better in a lot of ways, but some basic stuff that was wrong before and had nothing to do with weight is still sitting there needing to be dealt with. It is very uncomfortable having to deal with that stuff so instead I have been hyperfocused on food. I think about dealing with some uncomfortable thing I'd rather put off, and then suddenly I start obsessing about "hmm what food would I like to eat? ohhh I want a (insert unhealthy yummy food here)" and then I have to spend an hour figuring out what exact type I want, where I will get it, where I will put the kids and the dogs so I can go buy it, where I can eat it without anyone watching me. And then I have to get it, eat it, remorse about it, and as soon as the next thing I need to deal with pops up I can hyperfocus on the next food OR my "diet."

Also, the arm thing. It is insane. I mentioned it before. Last summer I was FINE. In fact all my life, at every weight, I have been FINE about my arms. I have even gone out in public in a swimsuit at 278 pounds. I didn't LIKE how I looked but I didn't really care what anyone else thought either. I am not sure what changed but it is dramatic. Suddenly I am so, so self conscious about my arms. *I* think they look horrible. But still, I always thought parts of me looked horrible in a swim suit but I still went swimming... so I don't know what is going on with me now. It was 70 degrees yesterday and there I was in a long sleeved sweater all day, sweating, very uncomfortable, but I just could not bring myself to wear a tee shirt. I tried putting one on last week, in the bedroom, and I almost felt panicky when I thought about going out in public in it. In my head, I feel like I have a relatively normal looking body and then I have huge, puffy, I mean GIGANTIC arms. The image in my head is a normal body with the arms of a 400 pound person attached. I was never 400 pounds. But the image in my head says my arms look so out of proportion that people will gasp and stare. It's like when I have my arms covered people will not notice me, or just think I am a "normal weight" person... but when I have my arms exposed they will suddenly see that I AM FAT. It's like my arms are a glaring neon sign for the world to see: "I AM FAT, I WAS MORBIDLY OBESE, I HAVE EATING ISSUES." I know it makes no sense but there it is, it's how I feel, I am trying to work through it, maybe gather the courage to wear a tee shirt because there is NO WAY I can go through a 100+ degree summer with long sleeves. Anyway it's been very upsetting and has become another link in the distraction chain...

should deal with some important thing > omg my arms are so huge omg omg > eat eat eat

See? That way I avoid the important/unpleasant thing and instead get to deal with something I *know* how to deal with. Something more comfortable and familiar. Food issues.

So that's where I've been. Where I am now is trying to put the brakes on the reactive eating and working on healthier ways to cope. And I AM working on it, every day. I also have committed to weighing every day this month because I have really got to stay on top of this before it gets out of control. I still feel like this is something I can fix. I believe it. And writing this post was step one.

May 1, 2011...

Worst. Weigh-in. Ever. I am not even going to talk about this right now. But the weight is recorded, and not brushed under the carpet. I have GOT to get a grip.