Working It Out

So, I haven't blogged since Sunday. In fact I probably wouldn't blog tonight either, but I don't want to leave people hanging who I know do care about me.

Nothing major is wrong/going on. I have not gotten any news back on my cervical cancer screening, so I am sort of assuming everything was fine (although I will call to be sure). No one is sick (finally) and everyone is doing their thing. Kids working, going to college and school, enjoying spring. Me... well, I am mired.

I don't know how else to describe it. I feel, emotionally, like I am in quicksand. Does that make any sense? Everything I try to do seems difficult. Every time I try to get on top of things I get sucked under more. All my movements are in slow motion, and I just feel... mired. Like I need someone to reach a big, long branch out over the quicksand for me to grab onto. Like I need to be pulled to safety. Back onto solid land.

I didn't want to even blog it. It seems whiny and self-indulgent. But it's what's going on right now, and I am exhausted just trying to figure out how to pull out of it.

I started on my new plan last week and saw some pounds go back on (from eating more carbs... fruit and dairy). I got bummed out about it. My eating has not been stellar since. Part of me just doesn't care what I weigh. The other part of me is panicking right now. I am really concerned with what I am seeing on the scale.

Anyway, I am okay... and not. I am finding a lot of joy in the things I love, like watching my daughter dance, volunteering at her school, and doing dog sports with my puppy. I am enjoying spring. I laugh every day, I walk a couple miles every day, I savor some fresh fruit every day. And also, every day I feel like I am stagnating. I wonder why I do not actually DO all the things I plan. I feel alone. I go to bed wishing I had used my time more wisely.

I see a big renovation of my life coming. I spent over a decade being so obese that I could hardly function. I spent that 10+ years in a cage of my own flesh that I built with Big Macs and brownies. I finally escaped, and honestly, I don't know what to do with myself. I can't keep living the "obese life" I lived before. I am doing *more* but really, not enough. I have not changed my life *enough*... setting aside weight and diet and exercise for one moment... I just have not overhauled my actual day-to-day life and my goals and dreams and what I am working for on the same scale that I overhauled my body.

I am mulling it over, trying to work it out, trying to take that first tentative step to wherever it is I am going.

Renewal

Rebirth. Renewal. Resurrection.

Those are the words that we see thrown around during Easter weekend, and for good reason. If you're religious, it has to do with Jesus rising from the dead and giving us all a chance to be washed clean from past sins. If you're not religious, you can still appreciate the symbolism of a new birth, associated with this season of spring and all the 'new life' symbols such as eggs, chicks, bunnies, and flowers.

But what does it mean to you? Aside from the religious significance, if there is any for you, what does being reborn MEAN? Do you take it to heart, really? Or is it just a trite saying, an Easter phrase you put on display for a few days and then tuck back neatly in the closet until next year?

I am thinking about this a lot today. Shedding the weight has been a rebirth of sorts, but then, I sometimes feel like my spirit does not yet match the new outer me. It does, to some extent, but not to the extent it needs to. I still wake up in the mornings sometimes and think, "I need to fix my life." I wish for a do-over on the past ten years, and that's not just about weight. But my eating habits are primarily driven by my emotions. If, even for a split second, I let myself feel worthless and hopeless, I immediately want the crunch of tortilla chips to rattle those thoughts and feelings out of my head. Really. Have you even noticed the enormous amount of noise and vibration created in your head when you eat chips or other binge-crunch-frustration type foods? Notice. It is loud, it is distracting, it rumbles those smooth, flowing thought patterns and breaks them up so they aren't quite as disturbing. At least that's how it feels for me.

I woke up this morning thinking about renewal. So many things in life are out of our hands, at least to some degree: I can't make my fibroid disappear or my sore throat go away *right now*. I can't wish a million dollars into my bank account. I can't make the bills go away or cure my son or make the loose skin disappear off my body. Oh, I can work on things... work towards improvement in *any* of those areas. But when all is said and done, I have to live with whatever life gives me.

Yet I was not "destined" to be or stay obese. I did not have to sit on the couch at 278 pounds mourning the loss of my mobility and my health. I did use my own power to transform myself dramatically. We can do that. We do have some power. We can "fix" our lives at least to a point. I can eat for better health so I don't get sick as often. I can work hard to build up an income and a savings so I am not stressed over finances constantly. I can work on paying off those bills and help my son get the best treatment possible and do skin brushing/use good lotion to improve the state of my skin. I can lose weight. I can do *something.*

I think that's the key. We ALL want rebirth... a new life... a fresh start from *something.* And we are ALL capable of moving towards whatever goals we have, even if it feels impossible, and we CAN make progress. The thing is, we see new birth, the sweet, fresh new baby and we want that kind of "birth" of our own new improved selves... but we tend to forget the years it took for the body to be ready to conceive, the nine months of gestation, the hours and hours of difficult labor that made the new life possible. Renewal is not instantaneous. If you want renewal, it takes time and effort. But you can start the process *right now.*

I still want to change so many things about myself that it seems overwhelming. But I am taking the same approach that helped me lose 100 pounds: just this moment... a few steps down the sidewalk and back... a bite of strawberries instead of chocolates... a salad for lunch... a pint of ice cream into the trash. Little steps. Little tiny building blocks you stack up every day to create your castle... your life.

Happy Easter. I wish you all peace and the renewal you desire.

Medical Update, and Today's Menu

It's almost 11 p.m. but I wanted to let you guys know that I did get a copy of the ultrasound report and I am *much* relieved! All it shows of real note is an ovarian cyst and a 3.7 cm mass that is "likely representing" a uterine fibroid. Not ideal, and this is new, BUT it is better than what I was worried about. I am still going to call on Monday and consult with a doctor I trust about whether it is a good idea to wait a year before being seen again, or if I should come back sooner for further testing. I do feel much better though! Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. No word yet on the other screening but I should find out soon.

Now for what I ate today. Might be a little boring but it's a big change for me! I meant to take pictures but I was busy (and sick) so I only took one of breakfast.

Here's how it went:
7am: coffee w/half & half and Splenda
8am: another cup of the same coffee, one Medifast pancake topped with sugar free maple syrup, half a banana, sliced, and a half ounce of walnuts. (note: the pancakes ARE soy based, but I have a few left so I will use them sparingly in between the whey based Medifast meals, which include the hot drinks, the scrambled eggs, the teas, punch, mango drink, soft serves, cream soups, and antioxidant shakes)

Midmorning I had a cup of skim milk made into a sugar free caramel latte.

Lunch was a quarter cup of cashews, a half cup of steamed peas, and a Medifast Hot Cocoa over ice.

I had a snack of 2 Tbsp walnuts mixed with 2 Tbsp dark chocolate chips. Actually, I had this snack again after dinner. It was SO yummy I almost wanted to binge on it. It also bumped my calories up a bit so I will need to be careful with this combo.

Dinner was 4.5 oz of sirloin steak cooked with onions, and a large salad of 2 cups of mixed greens, 1/4 cup of cold peas, a little crumbled bacon, some cherry tomatoes, and 2 Tbsp Marie's Yogurt Blue Cheese dressing.

I was a little hungry before bed so I just had a half cup of fresh strawberries.

I am supposed to aim for 1200 calories, but no more than 1500. Today was 1482. Good enough for me.

A Little Update

I didn't get the radiology report yesterday but will try and get in to get it today. I had a sore throat yesterday morning, and one by one during the day each of my older kids said "I have a sore throat and feel sick." Mine got worse over the course of a few hours and now I feel awful. Headache, sniffles, very sore throat. My little girl is still in bed this morning, and it's very unusual for her to sleep in at all, so I hope she isn't sick now too. Just in time for Easter weekend.

Has anyone else noticed I am getting sick, like, ALL the time lately?? I did not get sick at all for more than 8 months straight and then this winter it has been on thing after another. I hope good nutrition will build up my immune system. Whenever I am sick, I feel like life is being wasted sitting around feeling miserable!

I think I might start posting my food and calorie intake on my blog again, or at least on Twitter, to help me be accountable. I am really enjoying adding more carby veggies and fruit into my diet. Yesterday I bought fresh strawberries, 2 kinds of mangoes, salad stuff, cherry tomatoes, bananas, frozen dark cherries, frozen wild organic blueberries, petite peas, baby carrots, a red Garnet yam, and some frozen Brussels sprouts!

I had a very long, vivid, intense dream last night. I was at my aunt's house, and my family was getting ready to pack up and go home. I was gathering stuffed animals from the dirty hamper because they had gotten stuff on them and never had gotten washed but I wanted to bring them home. We all got on a plane, and we were flying somewhere and suddenly we were on an Amtrack train and I couldn't get my stuff together quick enough and all my family was gone. I looked out the windows and we were in China or something because all the signs were in some Chinese-looking writing, and everyone else on the train was suddenly Asian. We were speeding along towards a huge station and I had no idea where I was or how to get home. I was all alone. A young Asian couple who was bilingual smiled and explained to me how to get there... I think they were supposed to be helping me get home... but they were in a hurry and got off the train and into a car and sped away, waving and smiling as I sputtered, "wait... what did you say? Where do I go after I get off this train? Which direction?" And I felt this forlorn feeling wave over me, wondered if my family would ever see me again, and realized I had no money.

At first when I woke up I thought it might be about weight loss. Then I remembered that the overwhelming feeling in the dream was one of abandonment and being alone. I thought about a conversation I had yesterday with a friend about my mother's death. I do have feelings of being 'left behind' because, it seems, "everyone's dead." All the grandparents were gone decades ago, father gone more than 20 years ago and mother gone 10. No siblings. And as I was typing this I thought the whole "friendly Asian couple" represented that young Asian doctor who was supposed to take care of me but rushed off smiling instead.

Well, enough dream interpretation for now. I have a ton to do today but if my princess is sick, I will have to figure out something else. Maybe get one of my sick boys to babysit my sick girl so I can do the Easter shopping at least.


I am off to make some breakfast. Enjoy your day!

My Newly Formulated Plan!

I am so excited! I spent some time talking on the phone with my Medifast nutritionist, Laura, this morning (thanks Laura!) I have been trying to figure out how to transition from Medifast to a healthy eating plan based on the whole, natural foods I want to eat forever, but haven't been sure how exactly to do it and still lose weight. I am very happy with the plan that she suggested to me and am starting right now!

I had planned to just start doing the Medifast Transition plan (you can read about that here), but since I already added fruit back in and also still want to lose weight, I was not sure how to proceed. Laura explained to me that the gradual, step-by-step introduction of higher carb foods was not necessary for me now since I am already out of the state of mild ketosis (fat burning state) that Medifast 5 & 1 Plan encourages (by eating about 85 g of carbs per day). So she helped me figure out a plan based on my height, weight, and activity level. It looks like this:

1 Lean serving (same as before... 5-7 oz lean meat or equivalent in eggs etc. I can also use beans/legumes for this now)
3 Green servings (as before... 1.5 oz cooked or raw vegs or 3 c salad greens)
1 extra cup of any veggies, including higher carb peas, carrots, yams, etc
Healthy Fats as before (up to 2 servings)
2-3 Medifast meals (I will be using non-soy-based ones)
1-2 servings of fruit (yay!)
1-2 servings of low fat or fat free dairy (which will be, for me, mostly Greek yogurt which I love and can use in breakfast smoothies.)

Now if I understood correctly, this should be about 1200 calories. I am going to log my meals to stay around that level. She also said it would be okay to go up to 1500 calories but that would probably slow my loss. I also should increase my exercise (right now I am walking about 2 miles/day).

So that's the plan, plus drinking lots of water and green tea. Also, after my current stash of diet sodas is gone, I won't be buying anymore.

I got a phone call late yesterday re: the ultrasound, but the lady who called kept using words like "maybe" and "not sure" and "probably." So I am going in to pick up a copy of the radiology report myself today because I am pretty capable of understanding medical terms, even if the lady who called me is not! Will update when I know something. Also, my son and I woke up with sore throats. Can I not catch a break and stop getting sick?? I took a bunch of vitamin C and am sucking on zinc lozenges, so maybe this one will pass me by quickly.


*FTC-required disclosure: Medifast provided me with its products for my personal use for free. I am not paid or compensated in any other way for mentioning their products. Medifast states an "average weight loss of up to 2 to 5 pounds a week."*

Coffee Creamer, Change #1

Second post today, but I wanted to also share about my first dietary change: eliminating coffee creamer.

Maybe this sounds minor, or silly. But it is important to me to make small, sustainable changes in my eating habits that will result in better health. I figure I can start with something small but significant.

I currently drink 2 cups of coffee every morning (and sometimes I have 1-2 more later in the day). Before I began my weight loss journey, I used to drink it with LOTS of sugar... we are talking 3 Tablespoons per mug of coffee! I also used to add a lot of half and half as well... about 3 Tbsp of that per cup. Well, if I drank 4 mugs in a day... which I often did... that is 12 Tbsp of sugar AND 12 Tbsp of half and half every day! Do you realize that is 3/4 CUP of sugar? And 3/4 CUP of half and half? That is more than 800 calories per day of COFFEE! Looking back now, it seems unbelievable that I was doing that and so unaware. But I liked my coffee to taste like a dessert, and since I was used to eating a lot of candy and donuts and such, my taste buds were used to a LOT of sugar. Even fresh ripe strawberries used to taste sour to me!

Anyway, as I was saying, I still drink coffee. However, I have been using 1 Tbsp of Lucerne Sugar Free French Vanilla creamer in each mug, which only has 15 calories, so my total for 4 mugs of coffee is only 60 calories. Much better. However, take a peek at the ingredients list for this creamer:

Water, Corn Syrup, Partially Hydrogenated Soybean Oil and Cottonseed Oil, Less than 2% of Sodium Caseinate, Dipotassium Phosphate, Natural and Artificial Flavor, Artificial Color (Titanium Dioxide)Datem, Carrageenan, Beta-Carotene (for Color), Sucralose, Acesulfame K, Polysorbate 60.

Alrighty then! So although it is low in calories, it has some things I want to avoid:
corn syrup
hydrogenated fats
artificial flavor and color
sucralose (Splenda)
Acesulfame K (another artificial sweetener)

My goal is to start switching to green tea (which has female reproductive cancer protective properties), which I am used to drinking plain, with no added sweeteners. I still feel like I "need" some coffee in the morning, so for now I will be switching to half and half and Stevia. 1 Tbsp half and half only has 20 calories so it won't affect my intake much.

This change fits in nicely with my goal of eventually eating more natural foods and fewer fake ones. It's a small change in diet, but a big step in the mindset I need to move forward.

Doctor's Appointment, and an Eating Plan (A Long, Rambling Post)

Yesterday's ultrasound appointment was routine. It took a half hour or so and they imaged and measured my ovaries and uterus (I did not get to see the screen or get any information during the ultrasound). Then, as directed, I went up to see the doctor who would give me the results. It was a new young doctor I hadn't seen before... one of some dozen doctors in an OBGYN practice. I was nervous but ready for answers.

It went like this.
Dr: Oh hi! Hmmm, we don't have the radiology report yet!
me: Right, they said it would take a couple days but that they made the u/s available on the network for you to look at.
Dr: Oh, yes. Well, hmmm. You haven't had any bleeding or pain though right?
me: right...
Dr, grinning: so you wouldn't need any treatment anyway! Let's just wait til they send me the report.

(this is a contradiction of what I was told earlier, that if there was an indication of cancer I'd need a biopsy at the very least. And that there would probably not be bleeding or pain in such a case. Or it could be fibroids.)

me: Well, I'd appreciate if you could just look at the u/s and give me some feedback. My mother died from ovarian cancer and I had a LEEP surgery a couple years ago for pre-cancerous cervical cells, so I am a bit on edge.
Dr: Well really it's *their* ultrasound so I should let THEM read it. (Looks at clock) Hey! Tell you what! I will have a nurse call you in a couple of days with some results. Hey, I won't even charge you for this visit! No copay! Deal?
me: uhhhh...
Dr, stands up grinning, opens the door and says to the lady in the hall: Hey! No charge for this visit, okay? Make sure she doesn't get charged!

And then he walked away.

So I might get some results on the cervical screening before the weekend but I will probably have to wait til next week for the ultrasound results. I admit I was emotional when I left. I had been told the doctor would give me the RESULTS of the u/s at that visit. Now I had to wait. I had a slight breakdown in the car, shed a couple of tears, then got myself together and decided it wouldn't do any good to worry. So I am just going to go on doing my thing, assuming all is well, and will get the results when I get them.

(And yes I do usually stand up for myself better and would have insisted they call a different doctor or someone who'd take the time to look at my results, but I was taken off guard by his whole demeanor, and had fully expected to get some results, and I guess I was sort of stunned into just sitting there thinking, "what the heck??")

So on to my eating plan.

I've decided there are certain things I want to cut out of my intake, if not 100% then at least to a large degree. But there are a *lot* of changes I want to make, and I don't want to overwhelm myself trying to do it all at once. Baby steps.

Eventually, I want to:

Cut out artificial sweeteners (with a switch to Stevia along the way. Still deciding if I want to use that on occasion but the Splenda has to go) which would include cutting out diet sodas.
Include healthy portions of fruit, low fat dairy, and even some starchier/carbier veggies like peas and sweet potatoes, which I have not had in a year.
Increase my exercise including my PT exercises
Increase my sleep quantity and quality
Drink more green tea, plain, unsweetened
Drink less coffee or learn to drink it without sweetener
Eat only unrefined types of soy, like tofu, and not very often
More beans, legumes
Less fatty meat, cured meat, processed meat
More local grass fed beef and free range chicken and eggs
Figure out how to do this in a more convenient manner. Maybe more raw veggies is a good start... less cooking!

I have decided to go ahead and do the Medifast Transition program now. Usually they recommend doing that once you reach your weight goal, but I have been on Medifast for over a year now and I am ready for a change. I don't want to just *quit* Medifast but want to give Transition a chance to help me find a healthy way to eat. I am also cutting way back on soy just because I think moderation is a good idea since I am dealing with reproductive system issues. I have eaten a ton of soy over the past year and just to err on the side of caution I am cutting out most soy from my diet. That means I am switching to whey-based Medifast meals as I do Transition.

Transition, in a nutshell, looks like this:

Stage 1: add 1 cup of any vegetables per day (this means adding back in carbier options like green peas, carrots, and sweet potatoes). This is in addition to the 5 Medifast meals and the Lean & Green meal (5-7 oz protein + 3 veggie servings + healthy fat) eaten each day.
Stage 2:  Cut back to 4 Medifast meals, continue eating the above plus add 2 medium pieces of fruit or 1 cup cut fruit/berries.
Stage 3: Same as above, but add 1 cup of low fat or fat free dairy (like yogurt).
Stage 4: Cut back to 3 Medifast meals, continue eating as above, plus add 4-6 more ounces of lean meat or an appropriate serving of beans/legumes and 1 whole grain serving.

Then you can go from there to either continue with some Medifast meals or cut them out in favor of other foods with equivalent nutrition. This ends up at about 1500 calories max.

I think at least for awhile I will count calories while I do this so I don't go overboard. I think this is just the change I need to get excited about making my *health* a priority. Honestly, I have been a bit resistant to anymore weight loss lately. I know that sounds insane. Of course if I could snap my fingers and weigh 150 pounds I'd do it, but I think I'd regret it and regain some weight. I have changed SO MUCH over the past 3 years. It is a lot to get used to. I still am honestly shocked when I am out and about, and someone I haven't seen in ages says, "wow! You look GREAT!" or "I didn't even recognize you!" I am just stunned. I think, "what??? I look great???" And yesterday I went without sleeves for the first time this season and I was SO uncomfortable it was insane. When I took off my jacket and went in to the doctor's office with bare arms I felt completely naked and FAT. I felt like taking off that jacket was like taking off my "thin person costume" and now everyone could see that I was morbidly obese (because my arms look really bad to me right now, very saggy and, well, like they used to be obese!) It's like everyone can see my secret when I don't have sleeves on. So yeah, I am still working through a few things.

This post probably seems long and rambling. I started it early this morning, and have been getting up and doing stuff like feeding kids and dogs, getting dressed, helping with art projects and making coffee. So every time I come back and sit down I write something else :) So forgive the writing style today, and I hope the content makes sense!

And for those who have emailed me lately, I apologize for not responding. I do read and appreciate every email, and have been answering about 25% of them since February when I was sick. I will probably answer them all at some point, but if not, please know it's just me being overwhelmed and not anything you said.

Enjoy your day.

The Convenience Factor

Wow, I got some really good information, advice, insight and book/website recommendations in the comments yesterday! Thank you so much for taking the time to answer my question. It is very helpful to see what others are choosing and why as I make my own decisions about what to eat, and what's healthy for me. I have narrowed down a few things (like still having beef no more than once a week, usually local and grass fed, and including dairy *for now* and perhaps trying cutting it back or out at some point in the future. Also wanting to get off all types of sweeteners except moderate occasional use of local honey and maybe Stevia.) Simpler is better for me. I have to calm my mind enough to ear my body when I am making these choices.

But then there's the convenience factor. I admit it, I like convenience. In fact that is why I used to get up in the morning and grab cold pizza for breakfast even though a spinach omelet sounded better. It's just easier and faster to grab cold pizza rather than getting out the pan, prepping veggies, cooking, and then cleaning up. This is actually a bigger factor for me than I thought. There's two reasons: one, I am busy (sometimes). And two, I am lazy (sometimes). After a long day or even in the middle of a busy day I do not like having to go through a process of

1. looking at what food is available
2. deciding what to eat and how much
3. prepping and cooking the food
4. sitting down to eat
5. cleaning up the mess

THAT is why fast food, Lean Cuisines, and prepackaged foods are so popular! Just grab and eat! Simple and fast. But I am trying to get away from that kind of thing and back to a more basic (meat, veg, fruit, nuts, etc) diet.

I have honestly struggled with this all my life. I grew up eating convenience foods where the most cooking my mother usually did, if at all, was to boil some hot dogs or make a box of macaroni & cheese. When I went off to college I ate a whole lot of Ramen noodles. I learned to cook when I got married, and I liked it, but now I am busier and less patient and frequently my kids are not even home for dinner (some work, some have other things going on). Even when they are, they tend to like the foods they grew up eating: home cooking like beef stroganoff, spaghetti and meatballs, sloppy joes, bacon cheeseburgers, pot roast and mashed taters, stuff like that. Which is fine, and I adapt. But in general I do not want to be consuming noodles and casseroles and higher fat meats and mashed potatoes. I can figure out the dinner part, if I work at it. The kids will eat baked salmon and a side of brown rice and veggies. They will eat roasted chicken. But then I am still stuck trying to figure out breakfast and lunch.

I need easy and convenient. A pre-made salad goes icky after a couple days. So does cooked chicken breast or fish. I have tried making a ton of extras and freezing them in individual portions. But I dunno, maybe I am just rebelling here because I seem to be making it a bigger deal than it IS.

It's just that I need to form new habits. I need to expect to take a little time in the morning to make something healthier, even if it's just a smoothie. So I am trying now to factor in the convenience factor so I don't end up just grabbing what's easiest. Like this morning, I saw the "easy stuff" in the fridge, which we do have on hand for my working/college attending kids who needs something to grab and go, and I just told myself NO, and made some eggs scrambled with spinach. And you know what else I had? Half an apple. And you know what? I realized that I have not had an apple in OVER A YEAR. And as I ate that apple, I thought, it is time to make some changes.

I am heading out to my ultrasound and doctor appointment in a couple hours. I am very nervous. Think good thoughts for me please. I hope they will just tell me it's nothing, or to monitor it... not biopsy, not surgery... but I will just have to deal with whatever comes.

The Endless Maze of What's Good for Me

As I've been pondering how I want to eat for the rest of my life... both short term for weight loss and long term for maintenance... I have, over the years, repeatedly become frustrated when trying to map out the "perfect" plan of healthy eating. Even the basics of nutrition that I learned as a child and young adult are now in question. The USDA can't decide how the "food pyramid" ought to look, and there are conflicting studies left and right about everything from meats to grains to fats to soy. Being of the scientific type, I like straight answers. I want to know "the truth." I read endless sources trying to find the "right" answer. But it seems a futile pursuit.

Yet, I must find my path, whether that means eating according to some structured plan, going "paleo," staying low carb, or eating a moderate "traditional" diet like what I have eaten all my life with some changes (like cutting out fast food and binges). But "people say" *this food* is bad for you and *that food* is bad for you while others say they are healthy. It gets so confusing that some days I am tempted to give up and eat a Jimmy Dean sausage biscuit for breakfast.

There are what I think would be the easy answers... the ones no one could argue with: cut out fast food, cut out sugary baked goods and candy, cut out sodas and chips and French fries. Yet whenever I make that kind of statement I get comments and emails from people who tell me it is too drastic. That people "should" eat those things in moderation. That there is a place in a healthy diet for a cupcake or a candy bar once in awhile. And I am always surprised by those comments, because in my own mind that is the one thing we "should" all be able to agree on... that those types of foods are not healthy. Yet not everyone agrees. And if I post about eating fruit, which I would have thought everyone agrees is a healthy thing to eat, I always get comments about how fruit is high in sugar and bad for you. Well... like I said... even the things I think would be universally agreed upon, aren't.

Try to get into other foods and it gets even trickier: whole grains are good... no wait, they are bad. Soy is healthy for women... no wait, it is bad for women. Honey is a natural healthy sweetener... no wait, honey is "the same" as table sugar and should be avoided. Dairy is good for you because it is rich in protein and calcium... no wait, dairy is bad for you because it causes mucous formation and inflammation and allergies. No one can agree on anything! Even the "studies" conflict. So each of us is left to decide on our own what to eat or not eat. What is good or not good. What is healthy of unhealthy.

How do you figure it out? I know some folks are militant about certain foods, while others are relaxed about it and eat anything in moderation. I have come to believe there is no "truth" in regards to a perfect, healthy diet. It does vary for everyone, according to health issues, age, sex, and the effects certain foods have on each individual body. Having 3 cups of coffee in the morning might affect you differently than it does me. Having a slice of cake might not cause any health issues for one person while it sends another person into a full-blown binge, or sends a diabetic into a blood sugar crisis.

Well, I can't decide for everyone, but I do have to decide for *me.* And honestly, I am struggling with that, trying to map out how I want to eat for the next year or so for weight loss and beyond for maintenance. I like lists; for me, it would be heavenly to just have a list of foods I will eat, foods I won't eat, and foods I will have only on rare occasion. So far, I've got this:

Eat:  Fruits & vegetables, beans, legumes, nuts, seeds, eggs, fish, green tea, olive oil, herbs & spices
Don't Eat:  Fast food, junky candy bars, corn syrup, deep fried foods, hydrogenated fats, bagged chippy type stuff
On Rare Occasion:  Birthday cake, good chocolate

The rest is up in the air. I've considered becoming a vegetarian of some type, as the whole "eating dead animals" thing has always turned me off and I always have to pretend I am eating something else when I have steak or chicken or whatever. But then I am not sure I'd get enough protein without meat. I hear good and bad about just about every other food. So let me ask you this: How did YOU decide what to eat? If you have cut any specific food out, what was your reason? What do YOU think about the following items (all of which have staunch advocates and militant avoiders):

Cow's milk
Butter vs. "low fat spreads"
Cheese, yogurt, and other dairy
Almond milk, coconut milk, and other "fake" dairy products
Canola oil, coconut oil, other oils
Red meat
Chicken, turkey, other poultry
Pork... lean or otherwise
Smoked products like bacon or ham
Salt (table, sea, Himalayan, or other)
Refined sugar, raw sugar, honey
Agave nectar
Artificial sweeteners including Splenda and Stevia (are these better or worse than sugar itself?)
Coffee
Soy and soy products
Refined grains
Whole wheat, oats, barley, brown rice
Amaranth, quinoa, other grains
Anything else I missed?

I would very much like your input on any of the foods listed above, and how you decided whether or not they are "healthy" for you. This week is a week of planning and possibly transition for me, depending on the results of my doctor's appointment and ultrasound tomorrow. I hope to be able to sort out what are the things I will eat to create good physical AND mental health for myself.

Eating Cake, and Calmness

Last year on my son's 18th birthday, as always, I made his favorite chocolate layer cake with chocolate buttercream frosting from scratch. I inhaled the lovely sweet cocoa smell of the glossy brown batter as I mixed it as I had for 17 years prior. But something was different. I didn't taste the batter. Not one lick.

I enjoyed the warmth of the house filling with the wonderful essence of that fudgey cake baking and cooling, and smiled as I released each layer from its pan as I had for more than a decade. But something was different. I didn't run my finger along the pans to catch the moist chocolatey crumbs to eat before plunging them into a sink of soapy water. Not one crumb.

I filled the bowl with butter and cocoa and sugar and whipped it into a rich buttercream that would frost and fill the cooled cake, just as I had for nearly every year of my son's life. But something was different. I didn't give the kids the beaters and then claim the bowl and spatula for myself. No, not one taste.

And when the cake was assembled, decorated, and placed on the table with candles and a song, I sliced thick pieces for everyone. But I did not have any myself. Not one taste.

What was different is that I was absolutely, 100% dedicated to doing Medifast properly and getting the weight off. I knew that is what I wanted to do. The weight had been falling off me... 15 pounds in March... and I wanted that to continue. I knew that even one taste of that birthday cake might be enough to set off major cravings, skyrocket my finally-stable blood sugar, and/or send me out of the mild ketosis state that makes Medifast easy. I didn't resent it, although I did feel a bit wistful and sad that for the first time ever I would not be partaking of my son's birthday cake. But I knew it was not about my mothering. I still put the same love and caring into the making of that cake as I always did. I still smiled and though happy thoughts about the day he came into my life and the wonderful times we have had as I made that cake. I was just fine having a Medifast brownie instead, just like I did a few months later on my own birthday.

Today, I will make the cake. I will taste the batter, I will savor the crumbs. I will have a finger-full of frosting. I will even have a very small slice of birthday cake with my family. Why? Because. Things have changed.

I am some 40ish pounds lighter than I was a year ago. I have struggled these last months but have not given up. I am still doing Medifast at the moment, while I wait for the word from my doctor about whether I need to drop soy from my diet because of the uterine issues discovered last week. I am tossing around alternate ideas in my head: switching to only whey-based Medifast foods? going back to calorie counting? going through Medifast transition now rather than waiting for my goal weight? I am not sure.

What I am sure of is that I am ready to be more 'normal.' Now, I know a lot of people think you can't 'be normal' or, perhaps more accurately, 'eat normally' once you have lost a large amount of weight without gaining it all back. That there always has to be diligence about every lick, bite, and taste. But I can't. I agree I can't go back to the crazy way I used to eat, but I just don't want my life to continue to be one giant food obsession. I just want to get up in the morning and have a couple of eggs or a bowl of oatmeal or a mango spinach smoothie. I just want to have my steak and veggies for dinner in a reasonable portion or pop a few strawberries in my mouth at the Farmer's Market without obsessing whether it is exactly the right amount and exactly how many calories I ingested. I just want to have a piece of cake on my son's birthday.

I am not sure how I will achieve this kind of normalcy and balance. I know my *mind* has been changing lately as I struggle. I understand what foods are dreams and which are reality. I know I want to nourish my body, and my health has to take priority over my desires. I know I want to be obsessed about something other than food and dieting.

So I drink Medifast shakes today, I have a small slice of cake, I eat my 5 ounces of steak and 1.5 cups of cooked broccoli for dinner. And I foster calmness in my eating and in my thoughts as I wait for more information from the doctors on Tuesday.

Longings

Sometimes I feel like I am in mourning for my old ways. I miss the old habits, the familiar coping mechanisms, the huge volumes of pastries and peanut butter cups. When I am eating well and on plan, the longing for old times can become a sort of desperation, reaching a fever pitch that drowns out all reason. I'm not sure why it's like that. Some days I am just going along fine and then out of the blue I will be terribly sad that I cannot sit down and eat a whole loaf of hot bread slathered with melting butter, and a few plates of spaghetti to go with it. It's my choice to not eat that, yes, at least to a large degree, but I still miss it. I wish and long for it. I have nostalgia over the days of eating bowls of brownie batter alone in my kitchen. And to make it more complicated, I have changed my body enough now that I physically *cannot* do that anymore. I could no more eat a whole pizza than I could fly across the Grand Canyon by flapping my arms. My stomach has shrunk, I have a much lower tolerance for feeling 'stuffed', and I just can't do it. And you know what's crazy? I resent that I can't. A little bitty part of me, deep inside, is really angry that I CAN'T. And sometimes I think when I go off plan, I am trying to grasp at the possibility that I CAN. Why? Crazy. I don't want to be able to binge. I don't want to gain 100 pounds. I am GLAD, mentally, that I can't eat that way anymore... that I have lost the ability to truly binge. But it is a LOST ABILITY. And some weird part of me is mourning it. It served a purpose, somehow, for many years. And now it feels kind of lonely and scary to have that taken away from me. Even though I did it, willingly, myself.

I don't get a high from food anymore. I just don't. I will go for weeks eating healthy delicious meals and I do enjoy them ad get true nourishment from them, but then that bitty part of me will push and push and push because it remembers. It knows the high and escape I used to get from a binge, and it misses that. Oh, remember how those Reese's eggs used to taste? Remember, remember... Yes, so heavenly, so transcendent. And I think and dwell and ponder and obsess and resent that I can't eat a 6 pack of Reece's eggs anymore and then I go buy a pack just to see... and I eat one and wait. Nothing. I eat another, nothing. I feel sick, it is gross, I eat another... nothing. No high, no escape, just me in the car with a couple of wrappers I need to get rid of, a bellyache, and 3 leftover Reese's eggs that turn my stomach just looking at them.

So I am slowly, slowly letting it go. Realizing there is no return. Regardless of whether I want to return or not, it isn't there. Oh, yes, I could eat my way back up the scale, but I wouldn't enjoy it. I wouldn't be happy. I would hate myself and think how gross the food is and wonder why I am doing that to myself. But you know, I just would rather not go there.

The truth is, yes, lean meats and veggies and beans and such do taste fine. In fact they are delicious sometimes. Fruit in season is great. But it does not compare to the dream... the fantasy... the false memory I have of eating junk. A plate of the best roasted broccoli can never compare to my imagined remembrance of eating a can of Pringles, 4 or 5 hot dogs, and a liter of Coke back when I was 278 pounds and PMSing. In my memory it was heaven. But if I eat chips now, they are just flat and greasy. Hot dogs taste disgusting, even if I eat a second one trying to get back the old sensation of how great they used to taste. So we have a competition between this amazing memory of binge foods that I long for, the delicious or at least decent-tasting healthy foods that will keep me healthy, and the reality of how gross junk food actually tastes. I keep telling myself I miss chips and candy and stuff like that, but really I just miss the old ways... the memory, the binge escape. Because when I actually eat the chips and candy and stuff like that, it is a real let down.

I think it is finally sinking in. And I am sort of becoming resigned to the fact that I am not going to get high or escape anything by eating crappy food, so I may as well just eat whatever healthier thing happens to be handy and let go of the obsession and longing and ridiculous dreaming of foods that only exist in my head.

Update

Just a brief update. Had another day home with the sick child and this morning I think she is on the mend. Apparently most of her good friends also missed a few days of school from a stomach bug. I have to work in her class today so I am glad she is better.

My appointment was not so great. I do have to wait 10 days for the cervical screening results, but they also said I have an enlarged uterus. I am going soon for an ultrasound screening. Main possibilities are fibroids or cancer (uterine, not cervical like I was being rechecked for). Needless to say this did not help my state of mind EVEN THOUGH it is highly unlikely it is anything serious. Really, I am pretty sure they will just say it's nothing. I tell myself it's because I've had 6 pregnancies. But it was not enlarged a year ago. Or ever before. And if you have read my story about holding my mother in my arms as she died of ovarian cancer only 11 days after being diagnosed, you may understand the undercurrent of horror that is there under the relatively calm surface right now. I just have to keep telling myself it is okay, it's nothing, and try to get the soonest possible appointment so I don't freak out waiting.

My eating has gone downhill but I am still trying.

Maybe I will get time later today to write something positive. It makes me feel better when I blog something rattling around in my head that other people might like reading. We'll see!

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. I so appreciate it!

Scattered

I am really scattered, still, pulled in all directions and not sure how to cope well. I am coping, but not well. Okay, but still feeling the need for relief.

Good news: the doctor cleared my little girl on Monday, saying her ear/sinus infection is gone and everything looks good! Yay!
Bad news: the school called me yesterday to come pick her up because she felt sick and thought she might throw up.

So we missed dance and play time and I am once again stuck at home while the gorgeous weather passes me by. It is kind of depressing. I mean, of course I do love taking care of my kids, but I wish they were all healthy. The only 'me' time I get is the 2 1/2 hours of Kindergarten, 3 days a week when I am not volunteering in class, and usually I have some pressing thing to do or appointment to go to or else I spend that time training my dog (which is relaxing, usually, for me). I just hope she feels better soon.

I have my doctor appointment this morning, am very nervous about it and if I get an "all clear" I will feel a gazillion times better than I do with the possibility of another surgical procedure hanging over my head.

Sorry this post is kind of a bummer. Hopefully next week will be better.

Where I've Been

I've gotten a couple of emails asking if I am okay, since I haven't made a peep in days. So I wanted to do a quick post, even though I really don't feel like posting at all.

I am stressed out. Seems to be a common event around here lately. I feel like I have so many demands on me and not much personal, hands-on support at all. Emotionally I am drained. I had such a huge burst of energy last week, got mega-amounts of spring cleaning done, and saw the scale move down to 182. But somehow even the things I enjoy are a kind of stress... a positive stress but a stress nonetheless... and add in the negatives and the daily *stuff* of being a mother of five kids and owner of two dogs and a cat, I once again felt like I was at my stress limit on Friday afternoon. It was a rough weekend.

Taxes need to be prepared and I haven't even begun to gather the materials. A child's birthday is coming up this week too and I have no gifts or anything else planned yet. My son is turning 19 soon and thus needs a new health insurance option, either adding him to my policy or finding some other 'adult' health plan as he is only working part time and going to school full time. My daughter sees the doctor again today to see if she has finally kicked her infection, and I have an appointment this week to check and make sure the pre-cancerous cells have not returned that caused me to have LEEP surgery some time back. I worry, I am stressed. I need to finish what I started with the spring cleaning, get some kind of camping vacation plan in place for the summer, prep for my daughter's dance recitals, and work on training my dog for her obedience and tracking classes. I really do enjoy a lot of this stuff... especially the dog things and the kid things... but all the pressure takes a toll.

Add to that the planning meals, the scale, fitting in some exercise, trying to get enough sleep (which is not happening) and just general taking care of myself and everyone else... and not having anyone to take care of ME... and it does get overwhelming at times. I know my situation isn't any harder or worse than everyone else's, but my feelings are mine, my experience is mine. I start flipping out and eat a chocolate Easter egg and then you can add extreme joint pain and headaches to the mix. Not a good idea.

Anyway, it does help immensely to just "open a packet" of Medifast every 2-3 hours and eat it. It takes my mind off food at least til dinnertime. I will get through this week, and then if I get everything done that I need to, I will have a lower-pressure week next week.

So that's where I've been, why I've been silent, and what I am doing. Thank you for the well wishes and positive thoughts and for caring about me.

And now I am off to the doctor's office.

Wanna Eat

Oh my goodness, I just want to EAT today. I keep thinking, "what is wrong with me?" But I know. It was the chips last night. One little indulgence ALWAYS makes me want more. Not more chips, but more other stuff.

"Now that I went off plan, it is a good time to *really* go off plan."

No, it's not. I have a headache and feel icky from eating one simple plate of tortilla chips. If I had eaten sugar or a lot of fat, I am sure I'd be in real pain. So I am sticking to my Medifast.

I had so much energy this week that I probably overdid it. I also have been getting phone calls in the middle of the night all week that were driving me mad. I'd go to bed at 11, then asleep by 12, and the phone would ring at 1 or 2 o'clock. The ringing and answering machine would wake me up. No one ever spoke on the other end. Last night it happened again and I was so mad! I jumped out of bed to do a call trace to find out once and for all what bratty teenage friend of one of my kids thought this was funny. I was livid, poised with pencil and paper to write down the number so I could contact their parents. But then, when I heard the number, I set the paper down, not sure I believed what I was hearing. It was my son's number! When I went to check, he was sound asleep in his bed... in his clothes... phone in his pocket. Um, yeah. He was butt-dialing me every night for a week because he was too lazy to change out of his day clothes! We had a talk. It won't be happening again!

Not much else going on today. I am really tired but the weather is nice so maybe we will get some time at the park together. We have a busy weekend ahead.

What's In Your Fridge?

I have been super busy with cleaning, tea parties, and dog training and then yesterday I had almost no access to the Internet. But I am doing okay. I had a bit of an emotional crash last night and this morning because a) I was under a lot of stress over something that was resolved last night and I sort of decompressed in an uncontrolled way, and b) I am mid-cycle with whacky hormones. After a week and a half of eating on plan, I lost it and ate a plate of tortilla chips and about 3 ounces of cheese last night. It wasn't a *binge* per se. In fact I ate them very slowly and savored them quite a bit. However the greasiness made me feel queasy and I got right back on track with my final Medifast meal. I am doing fine today with staying on plan; the scale bumped up 2 pounds overnight which is, I am sure, water retention. My goal is to have that gone by my weigh in on Sunday.

I am always interested in hearing about what other people are eating. There are so many different ways to eat, and I am curious: what's in your fridge right now? How about your freezer and pantry?

Mine:

Fridge
Romaine, baby spinach, iceberg lettuce, zucchini, mushrooms, cabbage, broccoli, Greek yogurt, fish oil, unsweetened vanilla almond milk, natural peanut butter, half & half, sugar free vanilla creamer, low fat mozzarella, low fat Mexican blend shredded cheese, lite string cheese, salsa, light Hidden Valley Ranch, Litehouse Salsa Ranch dressing, low carb coleslaw dressing, lite mayo, mustard, low carb ketchup, Walden Farms 0 calorie chocolate syrup, Walden Farms 0 calorie Strawberry jelly, low fat chicken sausages, lite soy sauce, butter, dill pickles, green olives, sugar free strawberry Jello cups, low fat cottage cheese, Mori Nu soft silken tofu, eggs, Egg Beaters, cream cheese, sesame oil, garlic, celery, boxes of free range chicken broth, Parmesan cheese, Medifast RTD shakes, ground flaxseed, light Balsamic vinaigrette.

Freezer
Boneless skinless chicken breasts, extra lean ground beef, ground turkey, turkey breast 'burger' patties, red and orange pepper strips, Steamfresh broccoli and green beans, cauliflower, several bags of frozen on-plan meals I prepared a week ago, lean turkey sausage crumbles, Morningstar Farms recipe crumbles, various types of MSF veggie burgers, salmon, homemade chicken stock, lean beef roasts, chicken pieces, pork tenderloin.

Pantry
Loads of herbs & spices, Himalayan pink salt, sea salt, regular and light olive oils, canola oil, various vinegars, coffee, lots of tea, Splenda packets, sugar free Torani and Davinci syrups, several types of tuna in cans and pouches, canned salmon that my son caught, cans of diet soda, cans of green beans, diced tomatoes, Rotel, low carb spaghetti sauce, spaghetti squash, canned chicken breast, Pam, Jif, tons of Medifast food packets and bars, cans of black olives.

Of course, there is other stuff that family members are eating (like those darn tortilla chips, whole wheat bread, fruits, potatoes, and too much cheese) but I am only listing above the stuff that is for ME to eat on my plan. I get a wide variety of food and really enjoy it.

Maybe I will write another post later today. I have a bit more cleaning and dog training to do!

Energy

I am getting a lot done today. Yesterday, I spring cleaned my living room and it is cleaner than it has been literally in years. I always *thought* about spring cleaning, but never quite had the energy or motivation to get very far. But something's changed, I guess, because I cleaned and dusted every surface including vacuuming the tops of hundreds of dusty books on shelves, sorting and organizing child and dog toys, washing windows, cleaning furniture and walls, washing curtains and cleaning light fixtures. I have no idea where that energy came from; I have been a slug all winter but suddenly I feel moved. Today I emptied a large cabinet in my dining room that was full of art supplies and music. I found stuff I haven't seen in ten years. I actually took out a full kitchen trash bag of stuff from that cabinet, and now everything I kept is put back neatly and dust free. Later I will clean the light fixtures, walls, and woodwork in the dining room. It is a GREAT feeling to have the energy and desire to do this. Last spring, even after all that weight loss, I weighed 220ish pounds and I had zero energy to clean. I always did the basic surface stuff but wow, does it feel wonderful to be able to really clean and declutter my space. It makes me feel healthier... mentally and physically. And I am blessing my family with a clean, neat home.

Losing weight has brought me so many blessings, including increased energy and ability to move for long periods without pain. I could never have fathomed how much better my life would be after losing 100 pounds. It was so worth it, it really was, and it is worth every struggle and every day or working at losing more. I had no idea what I was missing. I am so thankful for this chance... a chance to live a fuller, richer life.

Just Some Muffins... and a Comparison

Here are the muffins I made the other day. I make them from Medifast packets of oatmeal and I think they are delicious! From left to right: apple cinnamon, blueberry, peach, and maple & brown sugar.

For you Medifasters, the recipe:

Oatmeal Muffin

In a small bowl, combine one packet of Medifast oatmeal with 1/4 tsp baking soda and 1/8 tsp baking powder. If you want, add a few shakes of cinnamon. In a measuring cup, mix 1/3 cup of water with 1 tsp white vinegar. Quickly combine wet and dry ingredients with a spatula, mixing just until combined. Place in a small baking dish sprayed with Pam (I used a 5" round glass dish). Bake in a toaster oven (or your big oven) at 350 degrees for about 16 minutes or until the top is firm, not mushy or wet. Cool in the dish for a minute or two and then turn out onto a rack to cool.

These can be frozen or kept in the fridge and rewarmed. I actually like to eat them cold because they taste better to me that way. These are SUPER filling and yummy. Maple & brown sugar is my favorite. Each muffin counts as 1 Medifast meal and 1 condiment.

A lot of times people on the Medifast boards ask if they can substitute regular packets of oatmeal from the grocery store for the Medifast oatmeal packet. I get asked similar questions sometimes on my blog about what the difference is. So I thought I'd do a little research.

I went online and looked at the Quaker instant oatmeal nutrition facts. I decided to compare the Quaker Lower Sugar Instant Oatmeal to the Medifast oatmeal, since the other Quaker types were quite a bit higher in carbs and sugar. I am comparing 1 packet (33.3 grams) Medifast oatmeal to 1 packet (34 grams) Quaker Lower Sugar oatmeal, both in Maple & Brown Sugar flavor.

stats for Medifast / Quaker:
calories: 100 / 120
fat: 1.5 g / 2 g
sodium: 135 mg / 290 mg
potassium: 280 mg / 110 mg
carbs: 15 g / 24 g
fiber: 5 g / 3 g
sugar: 1 g / 4 g
protein: 11 g / 4 g
vitamin C: 35% / 0%
long list of other vitamins & minerals: 15-60% / 0-20%

So basically the Medifast oatmeal has more protein, fiber, potassium, and nutrients and less calories, fat, sodium, and sugar than the Quaker low sugar oatmeal. Just thought this was interesting! I am thinking it would be fun to compare a Medifast brownie to a Betty Crocker one sometime, too.

Heading off to bed now... see you in the morning!

*FTC-required disclosure: Medifast provided me with its products for my personal use for free. I am not paid or compensated in any other way for mentioning their products. Medifast states an "average weight loss of up to 2 to 5 pounds a week."*

Yesterday's Menu, and Spring Cleaning

Still at 182 today, even though I had a menu snafu yesterday. I was invited over to visit with some very nice folks I just befriended at dog training, to bring my dog and daughter over for a bit. They casually mentioned on the phone that they had a "light lunch" for us. I admit it, as good as I am at speaking up in a restaurant about what I need, or even telling friends, I am still shy about saying anything to new people about my eating preferences. I want to be polite and not make it a "deal" (yeah, I know, if I had diabetes I'd say something, but I don't) so I just smile and do the best I can. So I decided to do my thing on the sparkpeople.com site with the food logging and just try to stay within the Medifast guidelines for the day, which meant cutting out two Medifast meals (not recommended) but by doing that I stayed within the nutrition guidelines. Same type of thing I did when I went out to dinner. I don't think it's ideal but it's real life and I don't have anymore 'events' coming up anytime soon, so back to the regular plan I go.

Yesterday I ate:
2 cups of coffee with sugar free vanilla creamer
1 Medifast oatmeal muffin
lots of water, including one bottle with an infuser added (similar to Crystal Light)
a turkey sandwich with lite mayo, a baby dill pickle, and a diet root beer (skipped the potato chips)
6 oz 2% Fage Greek yogurt mixed with Splenda and Barlean's Orange Cream fish oil
Buffalo Chicken Salad: 5 oz chicken breast, cubed, over 2 cups of Romaine & Iceberg lettuce and a half cup of sliced cucumbers, mixed with 2 Tbsp Hidden Valley Light Ranch dressing and a half Tbsp of Franks Hot Wings Sauce. Yummy!
1 cup decaf coffee with sugar free creamer
Medifast Peanut Butter Crunch bar

Stats:
1038 calories
92 g protein
93 g carbs
29% calories from fat

Today I am spring cleaning! This is my kids' spring break, so I have the benefit of several helpers while I work. Today we are cleaning the living room: washing curtains, putting everything in its place, dusting, cleaning the windows, cleaning the sofas, and doing a thorough vacuuming job. Tomorrow? The dining room. A cleaner house always makes me feel better! How about you?

Ate Out, and Weigh In

I'm going back to my Sunday weigh-ins again. It does help me stay accountable, although sometimes when I am about to reach a certain 'trigger number' (like 199 or maybe 169) I will stay off for a few days to stop the head games. I also stayed off when I was really struggling because the gain was tripping me out and making me want to binge. But I am okay now, so back to the scale we go.

I have been on plan (Medifast) all week. No slip ups. My exercise consisted of about 2 miles of walking (the dog) per day. I am feeling good, the headaches and stomach aches are gone, and the body just *feels* better. I did have a crazy moment this morning just out of the shower. I happened to be looking down when I took a deep breath and sort of sucked in my stomach and I saw this *lump* in the center of my chest. I felt it and it felt like a rock. I immediately knew it was my sternum (breastbone) because, well, that's what's there... but I felt this mild 'sick' feeling and wave of very slight anxiety go over me. In my head was the quiet message, "I don't like this, I don't like finding new things on my body, I don't like seeing bones, this is not familiar, I hate feeling stuff on me that I didn't know was there." I think it stems from the many stories I've heard and seen in real life as a child where people found tumors on themselves and then died. So every time a new bone pops out from weight loss, it scares me a little. But yeah, I Googled sternum pictures just to be sure, and that's all it is. I will be ok. I just have to ignore it for awhile before I fully accept it.

Yesterday I had a planned dinner out. Whenever I do that, I try to look up nutrition information online beforehand and plan what I will eat. On Medifast, the Lean & Green meal (that I make for myself from fresh food... it doesn't come prepackaged) is supposed to be a portion of meat or other listed protein like tofu and 3 servings of low carb vegetables, with limited fats and condiments allowed. We were going to Outback Steakhouse, and I have eaten there before on Medifast. I want to share how I ate *exactly* what I wanted, thoroughly enjoyed it, and did not screw up my day. *Disclaimer - this meal was NOT 100% on-plan for Medifast but it was close enough *for me*. I do try to stay 100% compliant but on some occasions I tweak for whatever reason. I will list the nutrition stats and what it *should* have been so you can see the difference.

I drank ice water with a slice of lemon... 3 large glasses. When the bread came, I was fine. I am back to the "it may as well be a rock" state, where most foods don't bother me anymore. I sliced and buttered it for my daughter without a care. Here is what I ordered:

Outback Special, 6-7 oz steak, medium rare (the website says 6oz, the waitress said 7oz, but either way, it cooks down to about 5oz which is the correct amount for a Medifast Lean portion).
If you order this steak, it will cost you 332 calories and 19 grams of fat.
*But*, if you do as I do, and ask for the steak with *no butter* (yes, they butter their steaks), you can enjoy it for only 230 calories and under 8 grams of fat! Perfect for a Medifast Lean.

This comes with 2 sides. I ordered the broccoli.
If you order broccoli at Outback, it will cost you 150 calories, 11 grams of fat, and 607 mg of sodium.
*But*, if you do as I did and ask for the broccoli plain and steamed with no butter or seasoning, you can enjoy it for only 44 calories, half a gram of fat, and 42 mg of sodium.

For my second side, I ordered the Blue Cheese Wedge salad.
This is the indulgence, right here. I get it as-is. Usually, I get dressings on the side and if I were being 100% compliant I would have said "no bacon" too. But I so enjoy this salad, and rarely have it, so I make it work.
I enjoyed this salad (large wedge of iceberg lettuce, some cherry tomatoes, a few red onion slices, crumbled bacon, blue cheese dressing, and balsamic vinegar) and it cost me 357 calories and 24 grams of fat. I left about half of the dressing and some of the onions on the plate, so probably a bit less than that.

The whole meal was 626 calories, 32 g fat, 1755 mg sodium, 45 g protein, 34 g carbs.
Ordered from the menu *as is* would have been: 837 cal, 55 g fat, 2329 mg sodium, 45 g protein, 36 g carbs.
So don't be afraid to ask for no butter etc. It does make a difference.

A Medifast Lean & Green should be: 250-400 calories, 10 g fat, <1250 mg sodium, 25+ g protein, and <15 g carbs. So I went over by 226 cal, 22 g fat, 505 mg sodium, and 19 g carbs. My own personal way of adjusting for some of that was to skip one Medifast meal (100ish calories, 15 g carbs, not much fat). Not a *kosher* way to go about it, but I wanted my nutrition stats at the end of the day to be close to ideal, so this is how I did it. I was completely satisfied with my eating yesterday and feel great today. I know some folks will disagree with how I handled it, but hey, I gotta do what works for *me.*

Scale says 182. That's down one pound from yesterday and a loss of seven pounds from last Sunday. I'll take it! I have a busy day ahead of me so I will catch you guys later!


*FTC-required disclosure: Medifast provided me with its products for my personal use for free. I am not paid or compensated in any other way for mentioning their products. Medifast states an "average weight loss of up to 2 to 5 pounds a week."*

Finding What Works

183 today! That's ten pounds since I took a deep breath and got on the scale 8 days ago and decided to take the reins back no matter how hard it was. I promised myself I would stay completely on plan for seven days, no more excuses, no more eating "just a few ounces of cheese" or "just a few extra cups of coffee with sugar free creamer" on day 2 or 3 or 4 which always ended up in my eating even more stuff I shouldn't. One slice of cheese at the end of an on-plan day seemed to usually lead to several pickles, a handful of olives, 3 more slices of cheese, and a couple ounces of cream cheese. Yeah, I do have a 'thing' for cheeses and pickled stuff together. But that kind of "little snack" can pack a whole lot of calories... enough to keep me from losing or even make me gain a bit (partly from sodium). Too bad I don't have a 'thing' for celery...

But anyway, the first 4 days were hard. Almost torture to slice cheese for my little girl and not eat some myself. I had to shut off those voices in my head saying "just have a bacon cheeseburger and don't eat the bun! It's still low carb!" or "hey, eating a whole bag of sugar free chocolate candy is okay... it has lower carbs, it is better than bingeing on Easter candy, and it even has a laxative effect!" I had to really quit letting myself play games with my health. After five days it clicked and got easier. I still think about off plan food but it does not take me nearly as long to "snap out of it" and walk away from the cheese or the burger or whatever. The healthy eating seems to become automatic, for the most part, after a week or so. And since I am eating low carb, my sugar cravings have almost disappeared now.

I really believe, at least in my experience, that when I am struggling day after day... eating right all day and then losing it at night... or eating healthy for 2 days and then going nuts on the third... that the *reason* it is so hard is that, for me, 2 or 3 days is just not long enough to get the sugar and carbs and junk out of my body and let the soothing, calming, stabilizing effect of a different diet take hold and lead me through weight loss. I need 5-7 good, solid days with NO eating off plan to get there. I am there now.

However, I also know from experience how hard it is to not binge or overeat during specific times: twice a month during my monthly cycle, and also during very stressful days when I feel frantic to use food to soothe myself. I have some techniques, though, to help myself with those times.

For hormone-related cravings/desires to binge: be aware. Mark the cycle on the calendar. Know that right before my cycle starts and 2 weeks after it starts, I crave salt, carbs, cheese. PLAN some indulgences that fit my plan: some salty roasted kale chips or broccoli, a cheesy cauliflower pizza, a decadent but protein filled Medifast chocolate shake with peanut butter added. Keep an eye on the calendar to plan for those days and work through them.

For stress- or emotion-related cravings/desires to binge, I have to just feel the feelings. Nothing goes in my mouth until I feel the feelings. I can write them out, cry, call someone, just think about them, mutter to myself, pray, get angry, take a walk, whatever. When I come down from the cliff I can eat a normal meal. It hurts, it is difficult when you're used to avoiding uncomfortable feelings by eating, but it is necessary to learn to feel the feelings instead of stuffing them down with food.

I don't have all the answers, not at all and especially not for other people. But I *am* becoming an expert in *myself* and learning (although not always implementing) what works for me.

I think this is my time. I am only 8 pounds away from my low weight on this journey which was 175. I can hardly WAIT to reach 168 pounds and post 110 Pounds Gone pictures! What a great day that will be!

Enjoy your weekend!

April 1, 2011: 197 Pounds

April Fool's!

Okay, that should actually read: April 1, 2011: 184 Pounds. Woohoo, I lost a pound last month! Actually, I went up and down quite a bit in March while I was sick and afterwards, starting at 185 pounds, going up to 191, down to 186, up to 193 (exactly one week ago) and down to 184 today. Yes, over the last 7 days I stayed 100% on plan with no junk or extras and lost 9 pounds. I feel solidly back on track.

So here's a snapshot of how it's gone over the last seven months, in case you haven't been paying attention to the sidebar:

September 1: 186
October 1: 186
November 1: 175
December 1: 181
January 1: 186
February 1: 185
March 1: 185
April 1: 184

I guess I'd call that maintenance. Sort of. I am *very proud* that I was able to not regain a lot of weight over that period of time. Really, losing weight is hard but people do it... often. But keeping off 90+ pounds? It's hard. In the past I have gained weight very rapidly... 40 pounds in 3 months a couple of times, and 80 pounds in about 10 months once. This little window of struggle, while difficult, does show me what I am capable of. I can do this, and more.

I did it once before... this "sort of maintaining" for awhile. You long timers may remember my post in April 2010: You, Too, Can Lose 0 Pounds in 20 Months (and be happy about it!). The interesting thing, to me, is that I have had four distinct periods in my weight loss since I began this journey. It went like this:

August 2007 - July 2008: went from 278 to 214 (-64 pounds) counting calories, eating healthier
July 2008 - March 2010: went from 214 to 234 (+ 20 pounds) still counting calories, eating healthier, struggling with binges
March 2010 - November 2010: went from 234 to 175 (-59 pounds) on Medifast
November 2010 - April 2010: went from 175 to 184 (+9 pounds) on Medifast, but struggling/going off plan

Interesting to me because I had two really great, nicely-paced losing phases (64 pounds in 11 months and 59 pounds in 8 months) interspersed with two struggling/maintaining phases where I'd gain a bit, lose a bit, gain a bit, lose a bit (first one lasting about 20 months, second one 5 months so far). I would say this is healthy. I have a binge eating problem, and taking the time to *work through* the issues associated with binge eating, overeating, losing weight and dealing with *why* I was morbidly obese to begin with takes TIME. And if I could stress one thing to all the people who read here or email me asking how to lose weight/why they are a failure/how they will ever lose over 100 pounds, it would be: take the time. Yes, losing weight for a year seems daunting. Losing weight for 2 years? Terrifying. How about 3 years... would you put in that much time to get to a "normal" BMI? Hard to contemplate. I am going on four years here, blogging the whole time, doing *something* about my weight loss the whole time. Is it a long time? Yes. But it would have passed anyway. Is it worth it? Oh YES. It is.

So try not to think about how long it might take. Hey, lots of people lose faster than I do and are successful. Maybe you'll be one of those people. But if not, IT IS OKAY. It is okay to have plateaus or small gains or struggles, as long as you don't give up and keep plugging along. Keep going. Just make this part of your daily life and you'll get there eventually. Sooner is better, for our health, but a reasonably slow path can also result in greater personal growth and the ability to KEEP it off. Find *your* path, whatever the time or distance, and make it work for you.

I truly believe I am now in a fifth phase: one where I go from 184 pounds to wherever I land as goal (150? 160? Not sure yet). I am still doing the Medifast plan (5 Medifast meals plus a Lean & Green meal I prep myself and sometimes share pictures of on this blog) which is low carb and really helps me get my focus off food.

Let's make this a good month!


*FTC-required disclosure: Medifast provided me with its products for my personal use for free. I am not paid or compensated in any other way for mentioning their products. Medifast states an "average weight loss of up to 2 to 5 pounds a week."*