Why

I just figured something out. Just now.

Part of me doesn't care if I weigh what I weigh now. Part of me is just fine with it.

I weigh in the range of 185 pounds right now. It is on the high end of comfort for me, but I am okay with it. I can do most of what I want. I can fit in most of my clothes. I pretty much like how I look. It's *better* at 175, yes. But part of me is really just fine with *this* weight. Because it is so, so, so much better than I have been for most of the last 15 years. It's really not so bad. I am *not* okay with 193, which was my high weight this month and felt utterly huge and miserable and all my pants fit wrong and I had a muffin top going on. But 185 feels pretty good.

And I like food. And I think about eating some cheese or bread and butter or whatever, and it doesn't seem so bad right now. Because, well, part of me doesn't care if I lose anymore weight or not! Maybe 185 and a carton of ice cream is happier for me than 175 and no ice cream at all.

That is me being totally honest. I mean, really, the *other* part of me is NOT happy at this weight. I want to be thinner. I sure feel way, way thinner at 175 than 185! Those ten pounds do make a difference. And I feel better too.

But the fact remains that this much weight is not good for my body. I have a strong family history of heart disease, with many family members dying rather young from heart attacks... my own father gone too soon 21 years ago. My mother died of ovarian cancer at 57 years of age, and obesity is a risk factor I don't need. Her belly was so large that she didn't even notice the huge tumor until it was far too late... she died a mere 11 days after she was diagnosed with cancer. And I have severe degenerative arthritis. In fact I began my weight loss journey to try and regain my mobility because I was suffering so much from joint pain that I could barely walk. I don't have much joint pain anymore (which is a miracle because it used to be ever-present on a daily basis) but every pound I take off my knees and hips will give me more time before I will need replacement surgery (so says my orthopedic surgeon). So, for health reasons, I really do need to keep going and drop another 20 or 30 pounds.

That, and I'd like to comfortably wear my size 10 jeans again. And the batwing arm flab has GOT to go.

So in moments like those I had tonight, I have to remind myself that while I *feel* just fine right now at this weight, and I would *almost* be willing to live with the size 12's and the flabby arms so I could have a loaf of garlic bread for dinner, it is not in my best interests to stay here. That if I do, in 10 years I may very well regret it because of resultant health concerns. When I am sitting here all happy and content and thinking how nice my body is (comparatively speaking), and I think I could really go for a huge pizza and some Coke, I have to stop and say, "No, your HEALTH is more important."

So I stay on plan and have faith that in the end I will be glad I did.

Six Days

Today marks six days on plan. I finally am feeling really good and in control of my eating again. I still have my moments; yesterday when I was slicing cheese for my little girl, I almost had a breakdown because I wanted some so bad. It went like this:

I want some cheese!
No, it's for the Princess.
I want some too!
No, you have been on plan for five days. Don't screw it up now.
It won't screw anything up! It has no carbs, it will be fine, it won't throw off your carb count at all.
It has calories.
Ugh, just one slice, 100 calories! It would taste SO GOOD!
You won't stop with one slice. You'll eat 500 calories of cheese and not lose weight.
But I won't GAIN...
No.
Ugh...

I didn't eat it. I just gathered myself for a split second... just long enough to get it put away and move on.

My poor daughter can't catch a break. Sinus issues, cough, strep tests, ear infection with severe pain, and now the antibiotic gave her watery diarrhea. I have spent 2 days cleaning up a lot of messes. Medication switch is happening now. I love my kids and being a Mom but it is hard not being able to get out much when the weather is so nice. Hopefully she will be better soon and we will have no more sickness for awhile.

That's all for now. I should have some kind of reasonable weigh-in on the first.

What I Ate, with Recipes

Here's a couple of simple meals I ate this week that you might enjoy. I am including pictures and recipes for both. They're both healthy, low carb, and Medifast friendly!

Tuna Melt

I tweaked a recipe I found here (another good one from Sandy!).

Mix together:
8.8 oz tuna (water packed, drained... I used two small cans so was a bit shy, more like 7 oz)
1 hard boiled egg, chopped
2 Tbsp light mayo
2 tsp lemon juice
1/2 tsp dried dill weed
1 Tbsp dill pickle relish
1/8 tsp black pepper
dash of sea salt

Divide mixture in half. Place each half in a mound on a cookie sheet and top each with a slice of 2% low fat Kraft Swiss cheese (or the low fat Swiss of your choice). Bake at 350 until the cheese is nicely melted.

Makes 2 servings. Each serving equals one "Lean" Medifast portion plus 1 Fat and about 2 condiments. I had this with 1.5 cups of angel hair cabbage slaw and it was very satisfying.

I baked one and placed the other, uncooked, in a glass dish topped with the cheese and baked that one the next day. Yummy!

Next recipe:
Beef and Broccoli with Cauliflower "Rice" (from here)

*note: I found the measurements to be a little off, so if you are on Medifast you may want to cook the beef and measure out 5 oz cooked, and also measure the veggies cooked.

2 servings of raw beef sirloin cut into strips (I used 14 oz to yield 10 oz cooked for 2 servings)
Mix the meat with 1.5 Tbsp low sodium soy sauce and let sit for 15 minutes. Then toss it into a nonstick pan on medium high heat. Cook and stir until no longer pink, about 5 minutes. I seasoned this with a bit of black pepper and garlic powder... just a few shakes. Set aside.

Add 1.5 cups of raw broccoli florets (cooks down to about a cup), 1/2 cup water, and a packet of Splenda. Cover and cook until broccoli is tender/crisp, 4-5 minutes. Add beef back to the pan and heat through. Split the dish in half for two servings.

To make cauliflower "rice":
Take a head of cauliflower (or less if you prefer) and cut it into florets. Put them through a ricer, shredder, food processor, or I like to use my Salad Shooter with the shredding attachment (so fast and easy!).. or grate by hand on a cheese grater. It will look like rice. Add a spoonful of water, put in a glass dish and cover and microwave for 3-4 minutes or until soft. Or, you can steam it til soft. Don't overcook it or you'll have mush :)

For one meal, use one cup of cooked cauliflower "rice" topped with one portion (half recipe) of beef and broccoli. On Medifast this equals one complete Lean & Green meal with 3 condiments. If you're not on Medifast or counting condiments, feel free to add more spices like red pepper flakes, ginger, maybe some more garlic. Enjoy!

Another Dream

Last night I had a dream. In it, I was swimming in a large, indoor, in-ground swimming pool with a female friend of mine, and strangely, we were both completely naked (and unembarrassed, which is so unlike me. Even at my thinnest/youngest, I was very self conscious about my body). There were other people, too, standing and walking all around the pool having a party... but they were all fully dressed. My friend and I were in the water swimming around, with one small problem: the pool had not been filled enough. In fact it was so shallow that when we were prone on our bellies, the water in the deep end barely covered my body... just barely... and did not cover hers. I was thin in the dream... not "skinny" thin, but about the weight I was as a teen and young adult (140) which was beautiful and lightly curvy. My friend was obese, and her bottom stuck up way above the water as we swam. Her husband was in the crowd of people at the party. And while I was fully comfortable with my body and not at all embarrassed to be swimming naked in front of all those people, I wondered if her husband was looking at me, and not her. In fact, I think he was.

So many messages from the subconscious. What do you think this is telling me?

Back later today with another post.

What I'm Up To

I have been doing really well with my eating lately. Today marks my fourth day eating nothing off plan and it is finally starting to get easier. What is it about those first three days that makes it so tempting to "just" have some pizza or cookies or a candy bar? It's crazy, like because you're in the very beginning of a weight loss stint it is okay to screw up and start over. And once that first bite of junk is taken, relief floods your system along with guilt as you have officially stepped over the line into "off plan" and are "free" to eat more junk (and start over tomorrow). Not very logical, considering that every bite does count.

Anyway, I find that in general if I can get through those first few days without straying into the potato chip bag or the donut box, I "get over" the cravings (when I am eating low carb, anyway) and the momentum builds and it gets easier to stay focused with my eating. That's where I *think* I am now. I need a few more days before I am really confident, but I do feel pretty good about things right now.

I made a plan this week to cook some of my healthy dinners for my Medifast Lean & Green meals ahead of time in double and triple portions and freeze some of them. That way, on busy nights I can just grab something already made, nuke it, and have a good, pre-measured, pre-calculated meal to eat. Some of the things I am making this week:

Creamy Buffalo Chicken over cauliflower "rice"
Stir-fried Beef & Broccoli over cauliflower "rice"
Zucchini Lasagna
Zucchini & Beef Skillet
Spaghetti Squash & Meatballs
Mushrooms, Spinach, Peppers, & Broccoli sauteed with Turkey Sausage (for omelet filling)
Tuna Melts (not to be frozen... had one yesterday and one today with coleslaw... pictures/recipe to come!)

The ones that turn out good I will share here. I love to cook!

My little girl is home from school sick again today (she was sick about a week and a half ago too). She was up most of the night (so was I) and I got her in to the doctor this morning: ear infection. She has a fever and is in pain and just miserable. Do you ever feel like there is just TOO much going on to do what YOU need to do? I feel like that lately. My kids need me, my dogs need me, my body needs me, I have appointments and classes and obligations, and my house is still a disaster area from my being sick for a month! The weather is perfect outside, the pup wants to go play, but I am tending a feverish girl for now. At least I am managing to eat properly! And honestly I think my attitude and mood are pretty good, considering. I feel positive about things, although very tired as well.

Recipes coming later :)

Crock Pot Chicken Taco Soup

I'm doing well today, eating right and staying on plan. I thought I'd share a recipe I made for dinner tonight; it's low carb, healthy, and delicious! This is not my recipe; it came from Sandy's Kitchen, which is a really great recipe site I enjoy. If you want low carb or Medifast-friendly recipes, check out her site and click the Medifast Recipes tab. She has some good stuff there.

Crock Pot Chicken Taco Soup

Ingredients:
2 cups reduced sodium chicken broth
2 cups water (I think I will use a little less water next time, maybe 1 3/4 cups)
1 cup Rotel diced tomatoes with green chiles
1 teaspoon taco seasoning
1/2 teaspoon cumin
1/4 teaspoon chili powder
1 clove garlic, minced 
13-14 oz raw chicken breasts  (I used frozen ones, because they come out very moist in the crock pot)
2 cups cabbage, chopped

Combine all of the above in the crock pot and cook on low for 6-8 hours. Mine was done in 5 hours. Remove the chicken breasts from the soup and shred the meat with 2 forks. Return it to the soup and stir.

Ladle into 2 bowls and top each with 1 ounce of Kraft 2% Mexican cheese to garnish.

Makes 2 large servings. Each counts as 1 complete Medifast Lean & Green with 3 condiments. I am freezing the second portion so I can have a nice, easy dinner sometime next week that just needs to be reheated. Enjoy!

Scale Tale

Alright. Here I am. Feeling great and horrible at at the same time. I did step on the scale this morning, as much as I did not want to, and I have a number now. Something to work with. Not a pretty number, but not as terrifying as not knowing. I am going to weigh on April 1 and hope for a good loss by then. That gives me a week to get some sort of reasonable weight to post for my monthly weigh-in.

I feel more energized, but not really *well.* I have had some nausea and stomach pain this week that comes and goes. It seems to come with higher fat meals as well as after taking the high-dose probiotics I am on for the next month to restore all the good bacteria that was decimated by all the antibiotics I took for a month. I also get tired fairly easily. I can tell I am not 100% yet. It probably would help if I got some sleep. Working on that...

Anyway, I am still on plan, focusing on getting enough water (which is tough with the nausea) and also being more active. For a month I did nothing but short walks. I was just too sick, but had to take my puppy out. Now I am walking 1-2 miles per day plus starting on yard work. I am not up to anything more strenuous yet. Actually it is not even 4pm and all I want to do is go to bed. But I have to finish the chores, take the pup out to play, and take my daughter to her dance class. After that? Maybe an early bedtime.

Dinner tonight is going to be fresh steamed asparagus (1.5 cups cooked) and deviled eggs (3 whole eggs). I just mash the yolks with some light mayo, mustard, salt & pepper and a bit of vinegar and top with a sprinkle of paprika. I really like deviled eggs, so I am looking forward to it!

Catch you later.

What the Heck Do I Even Weigh?

I have no idea.

I am scared to get on the scale. I can't even REMEMBER the last time I was truly scared to get on the scale. Usually I weigh daily. Sometimes I need a break and skip a few days or a week. If I feel like the numbers are messing with my head, I stay off it a bit and focus on other things *while* doing my best with healthy eating. But lately, I am really freaked out.

I was sick, I was on all those medications and even when I stayed totally on plan for days and days the scale was going UP instead of down. Then back down a bit, back up, senseless fluctuations... so I stayed off. Scales lie. So I figured I'd wing it for a week or two and get back on later for a progress report.

No dice. I cannot bring myself to step on it.

I had a moment the other day. It's been nice out... springy, warm, sunny this week. I busted out the tee shirts. I have not worn short sleeves in what, 5 or 6 months? I weigh about the same as I did in the fall. But apparently I got quite used to seeing my nice trim(ish) self in the mirror with normal-looking arms in long sleeves because the other day when I walked into the bathroom with that tee shirt on I almost fell over in horror. I actually gasped at how my arms look. Oh my gosh, what happened?? It was like overnight I went from having decent, slim(ish) looking arms with a nice smooth unbroken silhouette to having globs, yes *globs* of fat/skin/melting-wax-looking paleness hanging off my arm bones. Dear lord, did they really look that bad last fall, too? Holy Toledo. Seriously, I was aghast. I had to go get a jacket on to cover them up. I felt like a freak show. I am horrified at the way my arms look disfigured. I may have to take a picture to share because sometimes pictures help me "see" things differently. I can only pray they are not as bad as they looked in the mirror... that my mind was playing a trick on me... by I am really afraid, in fact certain, that I saw reality.

My pants don't fit right. They're NOT too tight, well, at least not all over. They are BAGGY in the butt, gappy in the hips, I have to hike them up when I walk, yet when I sit down they cut me in half at the gut and hurt my stomach and when I try to take them off it's like peeling sausage casings off my calves. And these are the pants that fit *perfectly* in the fall. A shirt I used to wear... I tried it on and it is too tight for my comfort now. My underthings cut into me or fall off depending on the article but they ALL used to fit! How is this even possible? How are some things too big and some too small, and how is the skin and flab melting off my arms yet hanging, sagging there in such an unsightly manner?

This... all of it... converges into a mess in my head that makes me afraid of the scale. Makes me wonder what the heck is going on with me. Wonder when I will feel comfortable stepping on again.

Usually I know what I weigh within 3 or 4 pounds, even if I stay off the scale a bit. Now? I couldn't hazard a guess. I just couldn't. Because I have two delusional voices in my head shouting, "You weigh 240!" and "You weigh 175!" and I know I am neither.

For now, I just keep plugging along, doing the best I can. I always, always post a weigh-in on the first of every month, so I guess I better get used to the idea. And spend a little more time looking at the arms and figuring out what the heck happened there.

Train Wreck

Last night, I had a very vivid dream. I was sitting in a vehicle... a car of some sort... waiting at a railroad crossing. I was plenty far away from the tracks and the very large train was coming slowly down the line. There were none of those crossing bars that drop down to keep you back from the tracks; I was just sitting there in my car saying to myself, as I always do when I am at a railroad crossing, "keep your foot on the brake... keep your foot on the brake." Actually, when I am at a railroad crossing, I not only keep my foot on the brake, but I also put my car in park and prepare to leap from the vehicle if necessary. You see, I have a deep-seated fear of being hit by a train in a car. I always have. Some of my oldest memories are of being a very young child in the backseat of the car my parents were driving, and lying down and hiding my face in the seat crack if we were stopped near a train track. I don't know why I was so terrified. Even into my teen years, if I was in the passenger seat nearing a train track and a train was approaching from miles away... even if the train crossing signal hadn't been activated yet, I'd feel the anxiety rising, my heart beginning to race, and my breath quicken. I'd close my eyes and pray frantically in my mind while the train passed. It was some kind of strange primal terror I felt in a car near a train. Why? Not sure. I could walk or stand near a train track, no problem, not a hint of fear, even if a train was racing by on it. But in a car? Terror. I did live right beside a train track when I was very small, so maybe I saw something I don't want to remember. I dunno. But even today, if there is any chance a train is coming, I wait, as far away as possible. And if I am the first car in a traffic line waiting for a train, I still have thoughts of "what if the person behind me rams into my car and pushes me into the train?"

Anyway, back to the dream. In the dream I was eerily calm. Sitting there, train approaching, in my car several yards from the track. And then, the car began to drift. It was drifting forward, ever so slowly, almost imperceptibly. And when I noticed, I sort of was in a daydream... I sort of was ignoring the drifting, thinking it was fine. And the train was getting closer. And then my car began to drift just slightly faster and I saw that I was about to roll right into the path of the train. I tried to put on the brakes, but couldn't find the brake pedal. I looked down and in its place was a small, wooden alphabet block just floating in the air. I put my foot on it but nothing happened. I looked up. The front edge of my car was now over the track, the massive train was mere feet away, my heart leapt to my throat as I knew what was about to happen. The train blasted its horn... and then I woke up.

All day I have thought about this disturbing dream. Is my whole life adrift that I feel out of control and unable to stop some impending doom? I thought about it... I don't think so. In fact, I *do* think this dream was about my weight, my health. I am scared to drift back to disaster. I sometimes feel like I am drifting ever so slightly in the wrong direction but I can't find the brakes. In my very deepest core, am I as terrified of regaining the weight as I am of being crushed by a train? Is my mind trying to warn me, before it's too late?

Flowers for Algernon

When I was a young girl, my class was assigned a book to read called "Flowers for Algernon." It was a story about a mentally disabled man named Charlie, who had an IQ of 68 and went to a special school for "Retarded Adults." Somehow, he was chosen to take part in a research project where he would have surgery to improve his intelligence. The experimental procedure had been tried on a little white lab mouse named Algernon, who had become super-intelligent as a result.

After the surgery, Charlie's IQ gradually increases to 185. The story is written as if from Charlie's own pen, and you can see the improvements in his spelling, grammar, and thought processes as time goes by. His awareness increases; while he used to not notice people making fun of his disability and used to laugh along with them, now he understands the jabs and is hurt by the way he was treated. He sees the whole world with new eyes. His entire life has changed.

But then, sadly, Algernon starts becoming confused. He can no longer do complicated mazes with amazing speed. The little white mouse starts to regress and become less intelligent, until finally he is as "stupid" as he ever was, and died. Charlie, still a genius, now understands that his gain in intelligence is temporary. And he is absolutely pained by the thought that he is about to return to the mental state he was in prior to the surgery. He does, in fact, regress. But he remembers how he used to be. He has new insights that pain him, even though his IQ drops back to the "mentally retarded" category.

Why am I retelling this story? Because I feel like there is a parallel to losing weight. I feel, sometimes, like before I lost 100 pounds, I really had no idea what I was missing. I just went along, living my life as it was, doing the best I could, thinking it was fine. And then I dropped those pounds, and as they were shed I gradually began to understand exactly what I had done to myself... what I *could* have... how life *can* be. It was like the scales had fallen from my eyes. Blinders were off. Wow, is this *really* what life can be like? I am free, I can move, I can do so many more things than I could ever do before. People treat me differently. My brain actually feels clearer. My life is so much richer. I have so many more opportunities that I did not have when I was 100 pounds heavier: I can ride a horse, go on amusement park rides, ride a bike. I can roller skate, walk for miles, fit in booths. I can go in a rowboat or canoe, play soccer with my kids, sit in lightweight lawn chairs. I have more job opportunities, I can buckle any seat belt, and shop in the regular clothing department. It is a whole new world.

I admit that over the past few months, there have been times of great struggle. Instead of awareness, some days I'd revert back to old habits of mindless eating and even binges. Sometimes I have gone for days or even a whole week just ignoring my body and eating stuff that I *used* to eat in the manner I used to eat it. And I'd gain weight. And I'd think of Algernon, and Charlie.

It would be easy to slip back, I think. Scarily easy. Blacking out the new awareness I have, going back to old ways, and I could go back to the state I used to be in... forgetting the new life I once had, the opportunities slipping away through my fingertips. I could be the 278 pound woman in black stretch pants and a stained 3X tee shirt sitting on my couch all day eating Doritos and Little Debbie cakes. I could. If I let it happen.

I don't want to go back, and the thought is frightening. But unlike Charlie and Algernon, I have a choice. The regression is not inevitable. I *can* stay aware and in control. I *can* keep the new life I have found. It is completely up to me.

And I am choosing to keep it.

Update, and a Low Carb/Healthy Chili Recipe

Today was the most productive day I have had in over a month, by far. Having been sick for four weeks, my life and house and chores were all put on hold and everything was kind of a shambles around here. Even over the past week, I had no energy to deal with it all. My daughter was sick, too, for the past 4 days and I have gotten little sleep. But today was a good day! Up early, cleaned the kitchen, sorted piles of paperwork and random stuff and cleaned/dusted the living room. I cleaned bathrooms and my daughter's room and part of my room, picked up the yard a bit, and took the pup out with me when I took my girl to school. I ate on plan all day, had a playdate at my house, and did homework with my daughter. Now, I am relaxing with a cup of coffee while the pup naps and the kids watch a movie.

I am exhausted but finally in a good way. I know my weight is up. The scale was messing with my head last week, maybe because when I stayed on plan it was not reflected on the scale at all... rather, gains in place of losses. Maybe monthly bloat, maybe adjusting to being off all the drugs I was on for a month, but I was getting frustrated and am staying off the scale for a bit. My middle feels thick and I don't like the extra layer of fat, but it has to melt off eventually.

Let me share a little "recipe" of what I had for dinner. It is healthy, low carb, and Medifast-friendly. Easy and delicious! I got the idea from a Medifast message board and tweaked it to my own tastes.

Simple Low Carb Chili for One (can be doubled/tripled/whatever for multiple servings)

Brown some meat in a nonstick pan. Any lean meat will do... extra lean beef, ground turkey, ground chicken, whatever you like. I used 6 ounces of extra lean organic ground beef (cooks down to 5 oz). Drain off the fat.

Add 3/4 cup of canned, diced tomatoes with their juice. Check the carb content and if you're on Medifast use one that has 5 grams or less of carbs per 1/2 cup serving. Otherwise use your favorite. Rotel brand is good too.

Add about a cup of your favorite chopped vegetables (will cook down to about 3/4 cup). I used a mixture of chopped mushrooms and diced celery. It was YUMMY and simple.

Add a little water or broth (chicken or beef)... just enough to make it chili-like. Sprinkle with Mrs Dash (I used some garlic/herb and some spicy blend) and a dash of chili powder. Stir, cover, and cook until veggies are tender, maybe 15-20 min. Enjoy!

On Medifast this counts as one full Lean & Green meal. Measure and count your condiments as needed (the seasonings I used added up to about 1 condiment total). Makes one nice, big bowl of chili.

Today, A Gift

"I am angry. I'm angry at my body for failing to cooperate. I'm angry because I am trying to keep this momentum going, and it's difficult when all I have to show for 4 straight weeks of fairly strict adherence to a weight loss program has yielded a miserable 3 pound loss. I lost more than that the first WEEK I was back on program. I am still well above 300 pounds and I'm mad. I'm sorry. Maybe I should be happy to have lost, but a .8 pound loss for a week of pristine eating is pathetic. I still don't even know why I gained the previous week. I have no idea why losing this weight is like prying up a cement floor. It's just not budging! I feel like my body is my enemy at this point. I have no idea how long this current stint of motivation will last, and I want to work it for all it's worth. I want to lose as much weight as possible while the will is there, but it's just not coming off. I almost feel desperate and panicky when I weigh and the scale doesn't budge much because I feel like my time is ticking down. I know that inevitably a time will come when I'll fall off the wagon again and not be able to pick myself back up for a while. Maybe I'm being too pessimistic, but I'm feeling frantic to see some serious movement on that scale..."

This post was written by my blog friend Bethany the day before she died. She had been fighting the same battle we all fight, day after day, year after year, blogging her struggles, successes and failures... and then one year ago today, on March 19, 2010, she passed away suddenly while shopping at a store. She was only 33 years old. She left behind a loving husband and two little boys.

We never know when we will breathe our last breath. We all think we have 'tomorrow' to start, to get serious, to lose weight, to do the things we keep putting off doing. We figure we have lots of time to enjoy life and play with our kids and get healthy. But maybe we don't. We just don't know. I know Bethany never expected it to be her last day. She had hopes and dreams and plans. And now she is gone.

I miss Bethany. She was a supportive friend and always had kind words to raise people up in their hard times. I never met her in person, but she is missed in the blog world.

In memory of Bethany, when she passed and with the permission of her family, I created the Bethany McDonald Memorial Blogroll. It's a way for weight loss bloggers to reach out and support one another and build friendships. It is so hard starting out a new blog and trying to figure out a way to start getting comments and connecting with other bloggers. The blogroll updates in realtime, so you can see how long it has been since someone has made a post. You can see those who have not posted in awhile and leave them an encouraging word. And you can connect with those who post regularly. Then when someone comments on your blog, you can in turn go and read their blog and make a new connection. You can be loving and kind to those who are having a hard time. And in that way you can carry on Bethany's spirit of love and support.

Please take a moment this weekend to go check out a few blogs on the Blogroll. Maybe you can "adopt" one or two bloggers to read and encourage on a regular basis. There are many who have only a few readers or none at all yet. And if you'd like to be added to the blogroll yourself, you can leave me a comment and I will usually get you added within a week.

Please hug your loved ones, treasure your moments, make your todays count. Make it happen now. Don't put it off too long.

Tofu Two Ways! Healthy, Low Carb Recipes

The other day, I got brave and ventured into the world of tofu. I am not a vegetarian. I have never been into cooking "non traditional" types of foods. But the plan I am on (Medifast 5&1) allows a pretty generous portion of tofu per day: 15 ounces of Mori-Nu Silken firm, extra firm, or soft tofu. Fifteen ounces is a *lot* of food, especially combined with 3 servings of vegetables. It's more than I can eat in one sitting, like the volume of Egg Beaters allowed (2 cups) or the amount of canned tuna permitted (almost 2 whole, small cans). On hungry days I like to split my protein portion up... maybe have half for lunch and half for dinner. That's why these recipes use only half of the allowed amount of tofu. But you can easily double the tofu in each recipe if you like!

Recipe 1: Tofu Parmesan

I got the idea for this recipe here, but tweaked it to make it low carb. It is really good!

Take your block of extra-firm tofu and slice it into four thinner pieces as pictured. Put the slices between some layers of paper towels and put something heavy on top to press out extra water. After an hour or so, your tofu is ready to use! (I am told freezing the tofu and thawing it ahead of time gives it a "meatier" texture, but I didn't try that this time). Put two of the slices in a ziplock baggie in the fridge for future use.

Take the two remaining slices of tofu and dip them carefully into a bowl of Egg Beaters (or beaten egg). Then dredge the slices in a crumb mixture. You have 3 options: I used half a pack of Medifast Parmesan Puffs crushed in a baggie and mixed with a bit of onion powder, sea salt, and black pepper. If you are low carbing but not on Medifast, you can use Parmesan cheese. Or, you can use the breadcrumb mixture in the link above.

Place the breaded tofu slices on a cookie sheet that you've rubbed 1/2-1 tsp olive oil on. Bake at 350 for 15 minutes, then flip the tofu over and bake another 15 minutes. Top with one serving of any low carb tomato sauce (I used a generic brand pizza sauce that has 4 grams of carbs per serving) and an ounce of 2% low fat mozzarella cheese. Return to the oven just until the cheese melts.

If you are on Medifast, this counts as 3/4 of your Lean and one serving of Green with 1/2-1 Healthy Fat. Be sure and add whatever condiments you used... my combined seasonings totalled less than one condiment. The Puffs in the breading counts as half a Medifast meal. I just ate the other half of the Parmesan Puffs earlier in the day to be sure I got in all 5 Medifast meals.

Recipe 2: Asparagus Tofu Stir Fry

I got the idea for this recipe here but tweaked it a lot myself. This one was pretty simple. Take two slices of tofu in a sandwich baggie (prepared as described above) and add some lite soy sauce, a bit of crushed garlic, and some ginger. Let it marinate for a half hour or so. Drain and cut into triangles.

Prepare your vegetables. For Medifast you will want a total of 1.5 cups cooked. I used asparagus, broccoli, green onions, and shredded cabbage. Toss them in a nonstick pan that's been heated with 1 teaspoon of sesame oil. Stir fry until crisp-tender. Scoot them over to the side and add the tofu triangles and cook until they are browned. Flip them over and brown the other side. Stir everything together. I then added a bit of pepper and lite soy sauce. You can, if you wish, add things like red pepper flakes or balsamic vinegar but be sure to count it.

This makes a nice big plate of food, and very tasty! In the skillet:

On the plate:

If you're on Medifast, this recipe counts as 1/2 Lean and 3 Greens with 1 Healthy Fat. Be sure and count whatever condiments you used but you do not have to count the marinade, as it is drained off.

Enjoy your tofu!

The Mindset of Losing Weight: How Do You Keep Going?

Over the years, especially during months where I was losing weight really well, people would email me and ask me: what's the secret? how do you stay motivated? how do you keep going? how do I get my head in the right place? And my answers were pretty much: I'm not sure. I just keep trying. Never give up. Fake it til you make it. And that *is* what has worked for me. Setting aside all our differences in weight loss plans and methods, the mental aspect is very much the same. Somehow, we have to get it together enough to start, and keep it together enough to keep going. *That* is the key. But HOW?

Even after losing 100 pounds, I struggle with this. How do you get into the mindset... the dedicated, going-to-do-this state of mind... to stick to whatever plan you are using long term? Sometimes I get into stretches where it's easy, and other times it seems almost impossible. But it all goes back to the same answer, for me: keep trying, fake it til you make it, never give up. Eventually one of the 'tries' sticks long enough to see results. The results are motivating. And it snowballs from there.

How about you? What gets you started, and what keeps you going? No matter what your plan is, there is that mental aspect... some call it motivation, some call it commitment. I would love for the comments of this post to be filled with the wisdom and insights of all of you who can share what works for *you* mentally, to get you going and keep you on plan and still working at it when the going gets tough and you feel like giving up. What helps *you*? What do you tell yourself when it gets hard? What can you share with people who are reaching out asking for help and guidance, trying to find something to help them stay on track? What's your best advice for staying mentally on track, motivated, committed?

Doing It For ME

For many years, I didn't really notice the effects of my morbid obesity and poor eating habits. Oh, I knew I couldn't walk to the mailbox and back without becoming exhausted. I knew I woke up choking on my own vomit/reflux at night when I went to bed with an overstuffed stomach. I felt the pains of plantar fasciitis, severe degenerative arthritis, and constant headaches. I bought bigger clothes, saw holes in the inner thighs of my stretch pants, and was well aware I had broken lawn chairs by sitting in them. But somehow it felt sort of normal to me for a long time. Like they say, put a frog in a pot of water and heat it up slowly, very slowly... and the frog won't even notice it is boiling to death. I don't know if that's true, but even with a rather rapid weight gain (80 pounds in under a year) it just sort of felt like the norm to me. Not sure why. Well actually, I think I was using food to block out emotional pain, and the same mechanism allowed me to escape the reality that I had become so obese and unhealthy. I was looking the other way, really hard, so I wouldn't notice my feelings OR my condition.

I try to pay attention to my health now. It's not the best, surely. But it has improved a lot. No more plantar fasciitis or daily arthritis pain. Much fewer headaches. The heart palpitations are gone. The reflux went away with the excess weight. I feel better, generally speaking. But I am very aware that even 100 pounds lighter, I could ruin my health with poor eating habits.

Really, the struggle for me at this weight has been that I can eat junky stuff semi-frequently if I am moderate in my other choices and eat healthy 75% of the time, without a huge weight gain. The payoff is a delicate balance of being "able" to have a day or two or three eating nothing but chips and pizza and cookies each month, while eating healthy, low carb, Medifast, with a nice dinner of lean protein and veggies each night... and I stay about the same weight, bouncing up and down 5 or 8 pounds here and there. And I could keep doing that to "maintain" around 180 pounds. But it's not good for me, for my body.

Many of you know I am coming off a month of sickness and a winter of eating as I just described, which has let me stay in the 180's for about 6 months. However, I can tell now that this is degrading my health. Specifically, I have the following reactions to food:

If I eat sugar (like, say, a bunch of cookies or a slice of cake), my joints ache and hurt and I get headaches.
If I eat too much fat (way more than the 2 "healthy fat" servings recommended on Medifast), I get severe stomach pains, which some have told me may be linked to my gallbladder.

Those eating choices also affect my mood. If I eat sugar, I crash a few hours later and actually have a sort of 'sad' feeling. And I want more sugar. If I eat a lot of fat, I get extremely tired so I am not motivated to do ANYTHING.

I think this whole journey, for me, is about more than weight or size or looks or even mobility (which was my #1 motivator and reason for losing weight). It's truly become about health. This is for ME, for my health. Even if I could eat candy Easter eggs and French Fries all day and get to my goal weight, I honestly wouldn't do it now. I would have in the past. My mind still *wants* that. But I know it would make me sick, not well. I don't like hurting myself anymore. And that's why I am working very hard to stay on plan and be very, very careful about any sugar or fat I ever bring back into my life.

Still doing fine, took my last Augmentin tablet yesterday (yay) and now have about 3 or 4 days of the other antibiotic to finish and then I'll be done. I made some tofu last night for dinner and it was pretty darn good, so I will share that recipe here soon. I have a couple of blocks of tofu in the fridge that I am experimenting with, since I'm not really familiar with cooking with tofu, but a whole 16-ounce block (!!!) is a lean portion on Medifast, which makes a huge dish when combined with a cup and a half of cooked veggies, so it's a good meal to split and half half for lunch and half for dinner on hungry days. If you have any good, low carb tofu recipes, please share in the comments! I have extra firm as well as soft silken kinds. Scale says 186.

A Decent Week, and My Pretty Pup

I am feeling pretty good today! Good about this week, even with two 'slip ups' (one binge and one cheese festival). I did work hard to get back on track, and I was, the rest of the time. It is pretty painful emotionally to wean back off the indulgence I had allowed myself while I was sick for almost a month, but I think I am over the toughest spot.

Last week I did a slightly modified Medifast 5 & 1 Plan (where you eat 5 Medifast meals and one meal of lean protein, veggies, and healthy fats per day. I blogged more about it here.) I modified it for 2 reasons: 1) my doctor told me I should be eating yogurt and taking probiotics because I have been on 3 strong antibiotics over the past 3 weeks (still taking 2 of them) so I replaced one Medifast meal per day with a Greek yogurt. Low fat Greek yogurt (no fruit or sugar added) has very similar nutritional content to a Medifast meal. Not exact, but close. So I am still doing that. 2) I was struggling with the big cut from toast, oatmeal, cookies and ice cream to none of the above. So I did allow myself more fat servings and condiments than Medifast allows each day. I probably had 2 extra fats and 3 or 4 extra condiments daily this week. It helped me ease into the change without too much discomfort. Now that I am (I think) solidly back on track, I am cutting out the extras and going to do the 5 & 1 plan with no additions this week, except for the Greek yogurt no more than once per day. And the week after that, I should be off antibiotics and can cut that back out as well.

My hives are gone, I feel almost back to myself, with only tiredness left to conquer as my body completes its healing. My little girl was up sick last night though and is still in bed right now. She has a pretty bad cough, which I think she caught from her brother who missed 3 days of school last week being sick. And my youngest son also missed a day from migraines. I had to skip tracking class with my puppy this morning to stay home with her, but I will lay some tracks myself in the backyard later so the pup gets some nosework done. Hopefully with the warmer weather everyone will get back to good health and stay there for awhile!

My cute pup is getting bigger. She's 4 months old:

She is an absolute joy and the best German Shepherd I know! We will finish puppy classes this month and go on to more formal obedience classes in April. Everyone loves this pup!

Oh, almost forgot the weigh in! Scale this morning says 187. I didn't weigh last Sunday but last Saturday I weighed 191, so I am down 4 pounds this week. I am pleased with that.

Enjoy your Sunday!

*FTC-required disclosure: Medifast provided me with its products for my personal use for free. I am not paid or compensated in any other way for mentioning their products. Medifast states an "average weight loss of up to 2 to 5 pounds a week."*

Cheese FAIL

... but all is not lost.

Sometimes I think I am kidding myself when I try to find the good in a bad situation, but then I think really, that is the nature I want. And I do believe it is possible to *be positive* and look for the good within the bad *without* glossing over the bad. I strive to be realistic and NOT kid myself. So here is my self reflection on yesterday's cheese fail.

I had an excellent, easy, on plan day yesterday. I ate what I planned to eat, I felt satisfied. The kids have been asking for pizza for dinner for some time (and while I personally love the cauliflower pizza, they don't). Finally yesterday was pizza night. I planned ahead for myself... I didn't have the energy/time to make the cauliflower pizza for me, so instead I measured out my Lean & Green portions carefully: lean turkey sausage, 2% reduced fat mozzarella, low carb pizza sauce, all layered on a plate and nuked until hot and melty, with a side of homemade low carb/on plan coleslaw (a little more than a cup). Nice, filling lunch for myself (as I would be busy at dinnertime, I decided to have my "pizza dinner" at lunch instead). Okay, so far so good.

While the kids had their dinner, I was busy with other things. I had a protein-rich Medifast meal around 7. All was well in Lynville. I even still had one Medifast meal left to enjoy last night. I'd gone to the store that evening and bought only *on plan* stuff for myself including lots of veggies and lean meat. No junk whatsoever (a victory). But somewhere in the evening, I lost focus. It went like this:

Went in the kitchen. Saw pizza boxes of leftovers in the fridge. Found myself taking out a piece of cold pepperoni pizza and eating the cheese and pepperoni off it. I wasn't hungry, in fact I didn't obsess about the pizza, I just sort of wandered in there and thought "hey that would be good and if I don't eat the crust I will not go over my carb limit." Which is true. But it was still not on plan and a mistake because that pizza topping was like a "gateway drug" last night. Last night I ingested an awful lot of cheese. And cheese is allowed on Medifast, but NOT full fat cheese and certainly not pepperoni. Over the course of the evening I picked the cheese and pepperonis off four slices of pizza and then, since I was having a cheese festival anyway, I sliced about 2 ounces of cheddar and put it in a bowl with 2 tablespoons of cream cheese and some dill pickle spears. Ate that, and went back for 2 more tablespoons of cream cheese which I mashed with vanilla and Splenda in a bowl.

After that I thought, this is ridiculous! Did I just eat over a thousand calories of CHEESE? Major fail... and I stopped.

I didn't eat it all in one sitting, and there was no frantic "binge" feeling about it. It was, pick toppings off pizza, wait 15 minutes, pick topping off another piece, do some laundry, do something else, have another piece of "toppings", get daughter ready for bed, slice some cheese, etc etc. for maybe 2 hours. I felt really weird when I was stuffing the uneaten crusts down in the trash to "hide the evidence." I didn't like that feeling at all. Reminded me of when I used to binge and then search out creative ways to hide all the boxes and wrappers.

In fact, at one point, I thought, "why am I doing this? What feelings am I trying to cover up?" but there was nothing concrete. Tiredness a bit, slight frustration... wishing there was someone else there, another adult, who could help my put my daughter to bed and take the dog out and clean the kitchen. Nothing huge. I think maybe I just wanted cheese, and was craving salty stuff.

Cheese really has always been an issue for me. When I was a little girl I ate a lot of cheese:

Mother couldn't cook but made "cheese in the oven" for my lunch (cheddar melted on bread).
Father loved variety of cheeses, always had them in our home and had me try different kinds.
Ordered an appetizer of good sharp cheddar and dill pickles with my Dad at a favorite restaurant every time we went there.
Loved the grilled cheese and tomato soup my school served for lunch.
Adored pizza: good New York pizza, Pizza Hut and school lunch pizza.
Often had a snack of cheddar and potato chips or just port wine cheese in a bowl after school.
Lots of lasagna, cheese bread, cheese-laden salads and cheesecakes.

As an adult it is one of my favorite foods. Maybe #1. And the problem is, I can eat a lot of cheese in one sitting, which is very fat and calorie dense. I have in the past eaten close to a pound of cheddar in one day.

If I had my way there would be no cheese except low fat in this house. But I do not have my way. I am not the one buying the cheese, and telling myself "it's not mine" has not worked very well so far since it seems to appear out of nowhere in bulk in the fridge (2 pound blocks at a time). It's a food I need to learn to live with... one of the few protein sources my daughter can/will eat (swallowing issues from being on a ventilator), so I really need to make it mentally off limits for now. I am sure I will enjoy cheese again at some point in moderation, but right now it is just triggering me and I've been using it as an excuse to eat off plan because it has almost no carbs.

Silver lining: I was able to control myself to the point of not eating any sweets or carbs. I didn't add crackers or bread or the other things I like to eat with cheese, and never took one bite of crust. I did not even once think: "well I am already off plan and ate xyz, I may as well have whatever I want and start over tomorrow." As soon as I was able to put on the brakes, I did. Thank goodness.

Scale this morning is the same as it was yesterday: 188. I am sure I'd have had quite a loss had I not eaten all that cheese, which makes me wonder if my body is just trying to hang onto this weight for whatever subconscious reason. Anyway, I am doing just fine today and will keep working at this til I get it right.

Random Thoughts

I am doing MUCH better. I still have almost a week of antibiotics left, so maybe I am finally gonna kick this thing! A month being sick is long enough, don't you think? Time to get back to living.

This morning I had a nice cheese blintz for breakfast (made with Medifast pancake mix, cottage cheese/Splenda/vanilla/cinnamon filling, and a bit of sugar free syrup) with a nice cup of coffee. Very satisfying. The scale said 188 this morning so at least it's heading in the right direction again. It's funny, for the longest time my pants felt NO different even with a 10 pound fluctuation up the scale. But just 2 weeks ago, while sick, all my jeans got super tight. What a horrible feeling! And I refused to dig out the tub of 14's from the garage that I haven't sold on Craigslist yet, so I was stuck wearing the one pair of jeans that still fit comfortably... over and over and over. Had to keep throwing them in the wash, and putting on a tighter pair with the button undone and a baggy long shirt to cover that fact. Ugh! Never again. I am back in my regular pants (12's) and soon, I hope, will be back into those 10's I fit into at 175. They never were *comfortable* but they fit enough for me to take pictures in them! They're the smallest jeans I have. And I have no summer capri pants small enough for me. I will have to buy some summer clothes as the weather warms up and I'd like them to be in size 10 or less, so let's see what I can do!

My exercise fell flat while I was sick, but I did walk most days a mile or two with the pup. All that physical therapy work I did to strengthen my knees and hips? Gone. I was really too sick to keep it up and now I am back to square one, which is frustrating, but at least I know what the exercises are. And I did buy the equipment I needed to keep doing them at home, so very soon I will get back into THAT regimen. Not quite yet... I am still recovering from the flu/sinus infection/ear infection/hives. I am exhausted in the mornings, very hard to crawl out of bed, and exhausted again in the late afternoon and evening. Hopefully as I nourish my body I will become well enough to do more than walk for exercise. I have the PT on my radar, along with other exercise options. I miss skating with my daughter.

I've almost forgotten what my body felt like at 175 pounds, it's been so long. I have an extra layer of fat around my middle right now and while it feels oddly comforting, protective, and familiar, I need to get it off and get used to a lower weight and smaller body again. It is disconcerting to be in a new body and new clothes every time I drop 10 or 15 pounds, but I feel ready to tackle it.

Something I have realized is that when I was 175 pounds I was doing the work of "feeling the emotions" and not stuffing them down with food. When I was upset or angry or sad or lonely, or had distressing thoughts (usually about myself and my own inadequacies) they were, in the past, *so* uncomfortable and difficult that I'd swallow them with a package of Oreos instead of feeling them. But as I lost weight I *forced* myself not to use food like that, to feel the feelings, even if it mean very painful emotions bubbling up and a lot of crying. I *fixed* a lot of things in my life by doing that, as once I felt the feelings I wanted to do something to change it, and I took action. But the past couple of months I have been avoiding my feelings again. Eating them. Especially while I was sick. I just didn't have the emotional reserves or strength to deal with those feelings while I was having so much *physical* pain and discomfort. So, actually, I haven't been feeling my feelings much lately. I am getting back to that. Now.

That's all for now! Have a great weekend.

Little Note

Just a brief note to say, I did good today! I stayed on plan, made my favorite meatloaf, and took my puppy to obedience class. I am feeling a lot better. Still have hives but not nearly as bad as they were... almost gone. My energy is returning, at least from 10AM to 4PM. Hey, it's a start :)

Many of you mentioned the book The End of Overeating in the comments, and yes, I have read it, and I highly recommend it! In fact, I think it's a good idea for me to pull it out and read it again. I learned a lot from reading that, and now I am sure it will help me even more. It is one of my favorite books. Thanks for the reminder.

Tomorrow is going to be another very good day. I can tell!

The Argument

Good morning! Yes, I am feeling better today, aside from tired and a headache. But that could just be sugar withdrawal, as I am back on plan. We'll see. I had 3 good on-plan days, then a binge, and now am on the second on-plan day since. The scale this morning said 190 pounds. I am sure it would have been higher yesterday, but I don't intend to ever see another 19- on the scale again. Fifteen pounds really *is* the limit of my "bumper" for weight gain. As I get smaller, I think it will be more like 8 or 10. I dunno, it does seem like people who get to goal weight have a certain number of pounds they allow themselves to fluctuate and once they hit their limit they do something to get back down. Do any of you guys do that?

I have noticed an interesting phenomenon about cravings and desires to eat junk or binge. Here is my observation: It seems like I get all worked up about *wanting* a particular thing. Maybe it's a certain junk food or a bakery item, or maybe it is a favorite meal or comfort food item. I obsess about it. Other times it isn't a particular food, but a class of food, or just a "want to binge" sensation. I might battle it for hours or days. The stress level builds if I continue to obsess. I get into a heightened state where ALL I am doing is

I want it!
No! I can't have it!
OMG I have to have it!
No, I want to lose weight.
But I want it sooo bad.
No, I need to stay on plan!
I have to have it, I can't stand this!
I don't want to gain weight.
I NEED to eat it!

On and on, and unless I can somehow get my mind off the obsession and out of the battle. Usually nowadays I cut it short RIGHT away by getting away from the food source and/or the circumstances that are causing me to obsess (boredom, frustration, anxiety). I might do that by going and doing something else, taking a walk, getting into a different environment.

But the crazy thing is, I get all filled up with these stressful, obsessive, all-encompassing feelings as I am trying to "decide" whether to go off plan or not. And the very *second* I decide to go ahead and eat junk, I have relief. Immediately. I don't even need to eat the food to get it. That's why sometimes I *decide* to go off plan, race to the store in a frenzy, get to the donut counter and not even want the donut anymore. Or buy a bag of chips, open it, and not even want it. Or eat a bite or two and not want it. Of course, in the past I always ate it anyway. After all, I had *decided* to have a donut, and I was darn well going to have that donut even if I didn't care about it anymore by the time I'd bought it. Have you ever done that? You obsess and want and fight and whine and then when you finally say "okay" and go for the food you wanted, it suddenly doesn't really matter anymore. And often, I've felt this sense of shame and guilt (which, I must add, is misplaced) as I ate something I didn't even WANT anymore in great quantities. Very strange.

But I realized it is the *decision* to take path A or path B that is the relief. Once a choice is made, there is no more mental argument. Right? It's just that when I decide to eat off plan, I rarely change my mind about it or argue with myself about it anymore. But when I decide to stay ON plan, I let the little nag in my head keep arguing. That's the continued conflict.

I *can* learn to decide there is no option for certain foods. I've done it... there is never, ever an argument in my head about whether or not I should go to McDonald's, because that I something I just DO NOT DO anymore. Period, no room for any argument. I need to learn which foods or classes of foods are off limits for me. And yes, for *me*, I do need to have some things off the menu, including McDonalds. There is no room for that stuff in my life, period. I can make room for a slice of cake on my birthday, perhaps, but not a Big Mac, nope, not ever.

It's quite a job to sort it all out, but every day I am learning more about what makes me tick. That's a success, to me.

Getting Better

Second post today, maybe third if you count the one I posted at 11pm last night, but I had to come and let you know that I think I have really turned a corner with getting over my sickness. I walked the pup over a mile today, it is sunny and warm, I came home and continued eating on plan, and this afternoon I actually feel *really good*! The hives have suddenly started to fade and for the first time in weeks I do not have big bumpy itchy blistering spots on my hands (hey, maybe Reece's Eggs are the cure for hives??). I just have very faint pink spots now, and they hardly itch at all. My headache from this morning is gone, and so is the "yucky smell" I have been worried about for the past few days (which I think some of you who said it was the smell of the sinus infection were correct). I have another week of two antibiotics and I am very hopeful now that I am on the mend. Finally!

I am in so much better spirits today, thanks to the support I found here, the improvement in my health, and the nice weather. I have stayed on plan 100% so far today. I have not struggled with my eating today. And for that I am thankful. I can sense my body wanting to *move* more, to get things done around the house, to be outside. I like that feeling. I missed it. I need to get on the scale tomorrow and see where I'm at. I was at 189 a couple days ago, 191 a few days before that, 185 on the first of the month. The drugs I am on are affecting the scale numbers as well, but I like to be aware anyway.

Now I am off to take my girl to dance!

Woke Up

I dreamed last night, all night, of food.

I dreamed I was in a gigantic mall with every kind of food booth and buffet line and I needed to eat. I was truly hungry. I went through one line with a lot of people, waiting a long, long time. When I got to the food it was cafeteria style. I told them I wanted vegetables. They gave me a plate with radishes on it. I hate raw radishes. I walked along the line and pointed to green beans and asparagus and they put them on my plate. I couldn't find any healthy protein at all... no chicken, no fish, no plain lean meat. At the end of the line I thought, "well, I will just eat all the vegetables, I will be okay." I handed my plate to the cashier, who weighed it and charged me for it and then when she handed back the plate, all the vegetables were fried or covered in grease.

I dreamed I went to a food booth in this same vast, dimly-lit mall and saw "spinach water" on the menu board. I thought, hey, that could be healthy! I asked the lady, "what is in the spinach water?" and she ignored me. I asked someone else behind the counter, "can you tell me what is in the spinach water?" and he laughed at me. Another man kept asking what I meant. "I mean, what ingredients are in the spinach water?" and he didn't know. No one could tell me, so I didn't order it.

I dreamed I was at the food court, people sitting all around me eating Chinese food and pizza in a darkened, spacious room. I had brought my own lunch because I wanted to eat healthy and there was nothing healthy at this mall. I sat down with my kids to eat, but realized I didn't bring a fork. I walked past a long line of people to the end of the buffet line where the condiments were. I took a plastic fork, and then I noticed some nice fresh green Romaine on the condiment bar. I went over and looked at it. A man approached and started telling me what scum I am for cutting in front of the long line of people, and for taking things I hadn't paid for. He accused me of stealing a hot dog. "There aren't even any hot dogs here!" I said. I tried to explain I was just getting a plastic fork to eat the lunch I brought for myself, and the man sneered and walked away. As he did so, another man stepped up. "There have been a lot of complaints about you coming here every day and cutting in front of the line. Did you pay for the food you took?" I explained that I had not even been there before, that I just walked up to get a plastic fork, and hadn't taken anything... but as I said this the man pulled out his police badge and a pair of handcuffs and started to put them on me. "Oh please no!" I cried, "this is all a misunderstanding! Please! I didn't take anything!" But he continued to cuff me as my children sat at the table waiting.

And then I woke up.

I have a lot on my mind, but the most important thing I want to share is this. I woke up this morning after a hellish night of food dreams and stomach pains and itchy hives. I felt pretty horrible and alone and discouraged. I sat down with my coffee and I came here. When I started reading the comments on my last post, I was touched. I kept reading, all the words of kindness and support and REAL CARING coming through the screen... I just could hardly believe it. I mean, I shouldn't be surprised... you guys have proven time and time again that you are there for me and you care about me and understand my struggles. But I honestly got choked up and had tears in my eyes at the comments this time. I cannot thank you each and individually enough... I really can't. Thank you so much. I literally feel buoyed up and supported this morning. So much content in those comments... and I wish I could reach out and hug each of you for taking the time to  leave them. It meant the world to me this morning. It changed my day, already. Thank you. Thank you so, so much. You made a gigantic difference in my heart.

This Sucks.

I binged today. It's true.

It makes no sense. I don't get it. I seem to be going alone fine and suddenly get this overwhelming urge to eat junk. Just the other day I noted how I don't LIKE the binge anymore. I don't LIKE how it makes me feel, I get nothing out of it anymore. So why do it? I dunno, addiction? Self sabotage? Underlying emotional garbage? Or just lack of willpower?

How can someone lose 100 pounds, know how to lose weight, and yet stay snagged on that last 30 pounds they need to lose to be healthy? It's not like I have never succeeded. It's not like I just can't figure out how to lose weight. I get it. I'm not a "weight loss expert" but I feel like I am an expert on myself... yet, I don't know why I binged today. I mean, a true binge. I haven't done that in a long, long, long time. So, I want to blog it and not sweep it under the rug.

How I was feeling beforehand: Tired, run down, discouraged. Three weeks being sick, I felt better yesterday and then worse again this morning. Hives, headache, sinus pressure. Doctor called and told me to get back on those antibiotics for another week unless the hives get WORSE. Well they aren't worse, but not better either. So how I felt today? Exhausted, frustrated, in pain, and itchy. Discouraged.

Also my sense of smell seems to have left the building. At least about 80% of it. I can hardly smell anything. But today I started to smell something *yucky* but had no idea what it was. I wandered my house trying to find the source but my sense of smell is not 'there' enough to pinpoint the source of the bad smell. I can't even figure out WHAT it smells like. And it was bugging me all day. What smells bad in my house?? Do I need to have the carpets cleaned? Is it a certain batch of dirty laundry? Do I need to wash one of the dogs? Is there trash somewhere?? What?? And my kids were gone and/or I was gone all day so I still haven't figured it out.

I digress. So yes I was feeling really discouraged and tired. I had a couple of hard boiled eggs for breakfast. I had nearly NO appetite. I had a Medifast shake for a snack. I started looking at the bills. I feel like I have been in some kind of altered state for 3 weeks because I was so sick, and I just woke up. Reality: overdrawn bank account, overdue bills, expired dog license, and expired car tags! What a mess. So I set about driving around town trying to pay things and fix things and deposit things. And it was after lunchtime, and I figured I should eat something, but I wanted nothing. But I was sort of hungry, yet nothing sounded good. And I was just frustrated. You know?

I went to Dairy Queen and got a burger, onion rings and a Pepsi. I came home and ate most of that (dumped some Pepsi down the sink and threw away half of the bun). I thought about going out to dinner later but, um, no cash. And my stomach was super full. And I was annoyed with myself for eating greasy junk when my body needs nourishment.

And then my dog threw up. And my hives were itching. And my teenager wanted to argue about something ridiculous. And the car wouldn't start. And my daughter had a tantrum.

And then I went out, bought a quart of ice cream and 8 Reece's Peanut Butter Eggs, and ATE THEM ALL.

Yes. I put my little one to bed, turned on the Biggest Loser, and ate EIGHT Reece's Eggs and an entire QUART of ice cream.

I am so beyond sick, I cannot even tell you.

I don't really want advice. I just want to keep it real. Putting it out there because it is part of my journey. And I feel so absolutely worthless today, kind of hopeless about a lot of things, but not about weight loss. I might suck but I am not going to suck AND regain 100 pounds. But tonight, I am just so bummed out.

"Sugar Free"... Not.

There is a little gas station in town that the kids used to walk to sometimes after school. They serve Italian sodas there, all creamy and delicious with whipped cream on top. It's a yummy summertime treat that I learned about from a friend. "They have sugar free Italian sodas," she said, "and they are so good, you won't believe they are sugar free! They use the GOOD kind of syrup!"

So off I went, some months ago, to the little gas station that has a makeshift drive thru window for coffees and sodas. "Do you have sugar free Italian sodas?" I asked. "Oh yes!" said the lady in the window. "We have ten flavors, too! We have sugar free strawberry, sugar free lime, sugar free raspberry..." on and on she went. I got myself a sugar free raspberry Italian cream soda. I watched carefully when she grabbed the bottle of syrup... sure enough, "sugar free." A bit of half and half went in, and I asked for no whipped cream. It was delicious! A cool, refreshing fruity treat for only the calories of a few spoons of half and half. I was hooked.

This became my go-to "dessert" or special treat a couple times a month. Even on Medifast, I could save up my condiments and fats and have a sugar free Italian soda. Which is what I planned to do today. I told my daughter we were going for a special treat after school. Off we went for our sodas... for the first time in months. When we got there, we decided to go inside to order because my little one just couldn't decide which flavor she wanted. At the counter, I ordered a sugar free raspberry soda for me, and a strawberry soda with whipped cream for her. And then, to my surprise, I watched the lady walk over to the soda fountain and fill our cups with SPRITE! What??? Sprite???? Not even DIET SPRITE??? I walked over. "Excuse me," I said, "Is that Sprite??" She confirmed. I said "but I ordered a SUGAR FREE Italian soda." And she said, "Well, the raspberry SYRUP we add is sugar free..." Um, what about a diabetic? There is a LOT of sugar in a 20-ounce cup of Sprite! "You don't use soda water to make the Italian sodas??" "Nope," she said. "Sprite." I cancelled my soda. I was sad.

I guess I never expected that. I mean, I have watched people make Italian sodas, and have made them myself at home: plain soda water (which has NO sugar and NO calories), flavored syrup, ice, and sometimes half & half. That's it. I never heard of making one with Sprite. But I guess that explains why those "sugar free" sodas tasted so good.

Hoping for Recovery

A health summary of 2011:

mid-January: had some kind of flu-like bug, fever, chills, tired, headaches, sinus infection. I seemed to get over it in a matter of days.

Feb 17: came down with the 'real' bad flu (says my dr), caught from a 'friend' who had a party at her house a few days earlier when she had chills, fever, headache and vomiting that morning. I had the same symptoms except lots of nausea but no vomiting.
Feb 20: ended up in the ER/Urgent Care in the middle of the night because my head felt like it was going to explode. Worst headache EVER. Dx'ed with flu, ear infection, and severe sinus infection, went home on antibiotics, steroids, and painkillers.
March 1: still sick, went to my doctor who gave me a second round of the same antibiotic AND added a second antibiotic, a sulfa drug, because he thinks the sinus infection is staph.
March 3: broke out in thousands of itchy bright red hives all over my body. Called the dr, he said I am probably allergic to the sulfa drug so I stopped taking it and went on Benadryl 24/7. He then added another, new antibiotic (and still has be on the first antibiotic too).
Last night, March 6: still broken out in hives that are starting to blister, still taking 2 antibiotics (NOT the sulfa drug). Decided to stop all medications but Benedryl because I am going INSANE with itching!
Today: taking Benedryl, hives faded a bit, and waiting for word from my doctor. SO exhausted and have a mild headache.

So. All of this has come about after I got lenient with my eating, allowing junk back in. I screwed around a lot on December, January and February with eating sugary stuff and refined carbs and other things that seem to affect me more than they affect some people. I've mentioned before that I have always had issues with sinus infections and migraines, but when I started Medifast I stopped getting sick. I didn't get sick or have headaches for months! I started getting sick again when I began eating sugary, processed stuff. I don't think there is anything magical in Medifast food but I do think it is a good nourishing balance for my body, and low carb eating does me good. Staying on plan also meant I always got in three servings of vegetables, and that's good for the body too. When I am eating off plan the only veggie I usually see is a cheese-covered fried potato wedge.

Anyway, I am tired of being sick. I've been back on Medifast for 3 days now. I am sort of looking at this as my 'last shot' with Medifast, because I did so great with it for several months and lost 59 pounds, but lately I have struggled. If it isn't working for me anymore, I am going to try something else. Probably calorie counting again, but with some rules about carbs and junk.


*FTC-required disclosure: Medifast provided me with its products for my personal use for free. I am not paid or compensated in any other way for mentioning their products.*

Life Goes On...

I didn't weigh this morning. It wasn't an avoidance, though. I just forgot.

I am back on Medifast, started yesterday morning. I feel pretty good. I still have hives on some parts of my body, and the worst is on my hands, where some of the hives seem to be turning into some kind of little blisters reminiscent of poison ivy. Very itchy, too. Last night they flared up again and I could hardly sleep for all the itching on my legs and feet. I am gonna have to put in a call to the doctor again tomorrow about this. Frankly, I am tempted to just stop taking all the medicines I am taking and just hope for the best, but I know it's not a good idea to cut short a course of antibiotics. So I'll ask. I am tired of itching and hives, but I sure don't want to see a recurrence of the infections I am fighting. I feel about 75% better now, with the headaches pretty much gone and I am able to breathe easy. Still pretty tired, but I'm getting out and walking a bit each day. About 2 miles or so.

Heading out now for a picnic with my daughter and some play time at the park. Enjoy your Sunday!

I Like It Better

My mind has changed. My body has changed.

I need to admit I like it better. I had a sort of light bulb moment yesterday, as I was mulling over *why* it seems that I no longer derive the same satisfaction and pleasure out of eating junky foods as I used to. Or even eating large quantities of something... anything. I used to get so much physical and emotional pleasure from a binge. It was exciting. It felt great! I'd go buy a ton of junk food, eat til it was gone and I was completely stuffed, and even though there was a vague *discomfort* from being that full, I never got sick and I sort of enjoyed the feeling. And as soon as I started to NOT feel stuffed, that was my cue to eat again. And that was my normal. And I got a lot of pleasure from it in some warped way, even though I didn't like the acid reflux and heartburn and all the negatives that came with it.

Now, when I have one of those days where I "sort of" try to re-create that whole pleasure/food scenario, it just doesn't work. Don't ask my why on earth I'd *ever* want to re-create that, but part of me has wanted that pleasure trip back once in awhile. I am physically unable to eat the amounts that I used to, and actually I am so much more *aware* of my intake that I can't even mentally go there with a binge anymore. It just feels wrong now. But when I do let myself "indulge" such as I have several times while I've been sick, it's just not fun anymore. I buy a cookie and a latte, but it's just not that good anymore. And I feel kind of icky after I eat it. I buy a sub and some chips, and I eat half of it but it just doesn't give me the pleasure eating used to give. I don't really get that high or the escape I used to get. I just end up taking a couple bites, and thinking, "this sucks. It's not as good as I thought it would be, and I am full enough already." And when I do eat a *little* more than I should, my stomach lets me know. I don't *like* feeling stuffed anymore. It's actually disturbing to me, rather than comforting. And as hard as this might be to understand, it's taken some time for me to get used to this and accept it.

It's a mindset change driven by the physical reactions I now have to eating certain things.

Past: Obsess a lot, get very excited, plan the binge, buy a ton of junk in a wide variety, seclude myself, feel triumphant, savor my secret 'sinful' behavior, indulge in every possible bit, become stuffed, savor and find comfort in the sensation of stuffed discomfort.

Now: Think I "miss" the binges, decide to allow myself something off plan, get a little bit excited, buy one or two things I wouldn't usually eat, feel sort of lame about it, eat part of it, immediately realize it is not as good as I thought it would be, feel kinda bummed out, eat a few more bites to see if it gets any better, think "this sucks," put the rest away or throw it out, feel 'overfull', feel icky and unpleasant and can't wait for the overfull feeling to go away.

This has happened to me enough times now that I can finally admit it. I like it better to NOT binge. I like it better to NOT indulge, eat junk, feel stuffed. And while that IS a positive thing, it is also a hard thing. A big part of my *identity* over the past 10-15 years has been "A Binge Eater." Or "An Out Of Control Food Addict." And maybe part of me was trying to hang onto that, to still *be* that. Because otherwise, who am I? I don't like change. Change is hard. Especially changing your beliefs about yourself and your identity. But I get it, now. Maybe this illness wasn't such a horrible thing after all, if I learned something so significant from it. I learned that I'm not a binge eater anymore. I don't love food that much. I don't need it, except to nourish me. I don't really care about binges or indulging anymore. I used to sort of 'like' the out of control nature of a binge; now, I never really feel out of control, and I don't think I'd like it anyway.

Suddenly it feels like the binge switch has flipped off. Permanently. Because I have a whole new concept of who I really am, and food is finally taking the backseat in my life that it deserves.

What I See

Second post today...

Things are heavy on my mind. I am really not satisfied with my body right now. I thought maybe I was... I even considered that 175 might be "goal" for me. I look good, can wear nice clothes, have a much better quality of life at that weight. I wondered if maybe it was enough, and I should switch to maintaining.

But it's *not* where I want to stop. It's really not. I have been telling myself all this time that the only reason I want to lose more weight is because of my knees. My doctor says I need to get more extra weight off of them in order to avoid knee surgery, and they are in pretty bad shape. Every five pounds I lose results in less pain and less wear and tear on those joints. Aside from that, I told myself, I am happy with 175.

But I'm not. Not really. I don't like the extra fat on my body right now. I *know* I have body dysmorphic disorder, because a lot of the time I still see "morbidly obese" when I look in the mirror. I still don't have an accurate view of my true size. A week or two ago I was in a store, walking through an aisle. Up ahead there was a woman who probably weighed around 300 pounds, standing next to a pole in the aisle. There was a small space between her and the pole. I knew I couldn't fit. So I stopped, smiled, and said "excuse me." She moved over, but only about an inch. I looked at the space, and I knew it was not big enough for me to squeeze through. I figured *she* had some body image issues too, maybe not realizing how large she is. But I didn't want to make a scene so I figured I'd just go ahead and try to slide through that little space and when I brushed against her hip then she'd get the message and move. Only, I fit. I not only "slid" through, I fit just fine, never touching her OR the post. I was shocked. And the other day in the shower I looked down at my body and saw, yes SAW 278 pounds. I swear I saw it! I stood there looking and trying to remember ever looking down before I lost weight and seeing something 100 pounds bigger, and I couldn't. I see the same body. I kept looking and thinking and wondering how that is even possible. I don't really get it. But I see morbidly obese. Not all the time, but often enough to make me think.

So... I wonder if I will get to whatever goal I set for myself and still see that, and maybe never be truly satisfied with my body. I dunno. I am pretty shocked sometimes when I get dressed and look in the mirror and see an average sized person. But it happens. I guess my brain is taking time to catch up, which is crazy because when I weighed 278 pounds I usually saw an average sized or maybe "a bit chubby" woman in the mirror.

Anyway, I do want to lose some more weight. I am still pretty darn sick and have no idea when I will be better, but I think I am going to have to just start *acting* like I am better, to the best of my ability. I don't mean to push myself so hard I crash, but I do mean to stop coddling the poor, sick me. When I was a kid, poor sick me got grilled cheese sandwiches, and ice cream, and French Toast. Stuff like that. I got to lay around and read books and do nothing all day, and got "special treats" like popsicles or sodas and chips when I was sick. Well, poor sick me doesn't need all that. My throat isn't sore anymore and the nausea is going away, so there's no reason I can't get back to eating more veggies and stuff. The severe, disabling headache is gone, so there's no reason I can't start doing a bit more for myself and my health. I've been waiting for almost 3 weeks to feel better so I can focus on losing weight again, but I am getting tired of waiting. I am going to give it a shot tomorrow and see how I feel.

Hives!

Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, and when I had a glimmer of hope that I am starting to get better, another thing hits. Last night I was sitting here reading blogs when I started to itch. I looked down and my hands were covered in red bumps. I slid up my sleeves and saw hives covering both arms. My legs had thousands of small, bright red hives suddenly appearing as well. Apparently, I am having an allergic reaction to one of the drugs I am taking for my illness. Great. I am prone to anaphylactic allergic responses and carry an Epipen at all times, so I have to take this seriously.

This morning, I am covered head to toe in supremely itchy red splotches and am taking Benadryl which makes me feel very tired and loopy. I am putting a call in to my doctor, but my best guess it that this reaction is to the newest antibiotic added to my regimen a few days ago. It could be a newly developed reaction to any one of the 4 prescription and 5 over-the-counter drugs I am taking, though. In the meanwhile, I'm not taking anything but Benadryl. And I feel really icky. I just hope I don't relapse and see the infection in my sinuses flare back up.

I wish I could focus on weight loss, I really do. But right now I am just trying to get some semblance of health back so I can function. I *am* trying to avoid eating too much and eating things that won't nourish my body, but it's hard right now. I'm just doing the best I can and holding fast to a few important boundaries: no fast food, no buying packages of junk food to keep in the house, and NO binge eating.

Where'd the Time Go?

Wow, is it really Thursday? I feel like the last 3 weeks just whizzed by and I got nothing done. Today I woke up and felt a little better than yesterday. It was decent weather, too, and as the day went on I felt better and better. I think the extra antibiotics are finally kicking in! I didn't get a whole lot done, just worked in my child's classroom for a couple hours and ran an errand or two, but by 5pm I crashed and was exhausted. Now I am sitting on the couch just absolutely drained. I could fall asleep right now.

I will try to get to bed early tonight. I decided to aim for getting some kind of plan together before Monday to start peeling this weight off again. I might start working on it Saturday if I feel well enough. I am debating in my head what route I want to go. I've only had true success with three things: 1) calorie counting/logging, 2) South Beach diet, and 3) Medifast. I am leaning towards giving Medifast one more good effort, as it is by far the easiest way I've lost weight and also was key to eliminating my binge eating. But it's also more restrictive, so I am not going to keep trying to make it work if it's too much of a struggle. We'll see.

Today? Greek yogurt, blueberries, strawberries, Starbucks, oatmeal, 1 slice of pizza, 1 raisin cookie, a mini bagel with ham on it, a piece of chocolate, and a couple slices of Munster cheese.

A Picture...

Just my cute baby, playing in the yard:

Isn't she cute? I just adore her. She was my 100-pounds-lost present to myself, and the best thing I could have done. Lots of work, yes, but oh so much joy and love. I can assure you I am much more active than I otherwise would be because of her, even though I am sick. She is a true motivator! We are already doing obedience classes and tracking, and I will also do agility and rally with her when she is older. All of these are AKC dog sports that are super fun! I want her to have a good time and be a well trained companion, and maybe even do some competitions. We may try our hand (paw) at competitive dock jumping as well this summer! An active life at its finest.

I am slightly, *slightly* better today than I was yesterday, which is great because I was getting worse there for awhile. I felt a little more energetic and alive this afternoon but sort of crashed by 5. Hoping every day is better from here on out.

March 1, 2011: 185 Pounds

Today the scale said 185 pounds. That's exactly what it said on February 1, as well. I guess I am getting good at maintaining, at least. It's no easy task to maintain after a huge loss, and I've been around this weight now for 6 months. Well, I was trying to *lose* weight over that 6 months, but I will look at the maintaining as the silver lining.

That's about the only good thing I have going at the moment. I am still sick, still on painkillers and two kinds of strong antibiotics at once (3 weeks on antibiotics) and a steroid. My body is still recovering from the flu, and the doctor today said I have a staph infection in my sinuses. They are so compacted that if this infection does not resolve in the next ten days I have to go back in for a CT scan and/or MRI. My symptoms remain: exhaustion, severe constant headache, congestion, and nausea. Oh, there *is* another good thing... my ear infection has resolved. I still can't hear quite as well as I used to, but the fluid should be gone soon. My blood pressure is also up significantly but they think it's because I am sick, stressed, and in pain, so hopefully that will also resolve itself in time.

I keep trying to take care of myself. I am drinking lots of water, taking vitamins, forcing myself to go out in the cold and rain for at least a 15 minute walk with the pup each day. I am really not getting enough sleep *at all* though... maybe 6 hours a day, broken up in 1-2 hour chunks. I am eating a mixture of healthy and junk... everything from fresh fruits and vegetables to chicken soup to ice cream to a donut and lots of coffee. Honestly, some days I just feel so miserable and in pain (since I can't take the painkillers when I have to drive, so I just take over the counter stuff during the day) that I do turn to food for comfort. Some days I have no sugar, no junk. Other days I just wallow in it. I guess it is balancing out since my weight seems stable right now. I don't think there is much chance for me losing weight until I am feeling at least partly better.

Thank you for the caring, kind words and support many of you have left me in comments and emails. It means a lot to me that people do care how I am and wish me well. Your words have been a comfort to me during a hard time. I hope your kindness returns to you in your life tenfold in your time of need. Be well.