If You Couldn't Taste...

...would you still eat? Would you eat differently?

If your sense of taste was nearly demolished by, say, a severe sinus infection, and you could not smell anything including your food, so that when you ate it, you could only tell the very most basic of flavors such as "hmmm I think this is sweet" or "this seems to be salty," do you think you'd eat differently?

It's strange. I thought to myself yesterday, "hey, this is a great opportunity for weight loss. I can't really taste anything! So I can just eat anything that is healthy because something like a cookie or a candy bar would not even taste like anything."

True. A candy doesn't taste like much. My daughter gave me a little foil-wrapped chocolate heart she got on Valentine's Day, and I couldn't taste it, but I ate it. I ate a cinnamon bun that looked good, but I have no idea if it tasted good or not because I couldn't tell. Yet I ate it, and wanted another one. I don't really get it...

If you were mildly nauseous all day, would you lose weight from not eating? Not me, I still want to eat. To heck with nausea, I still want to be eating. Granted, I don't eat as much volume, but I eat. Yes, I eat when I am nauseous, and the food has almost no taste. It makes no sense.

Habit? I dunno. I derive almost no pleasure from food right now other than the sensation of being sustained by what I eat. Yet I eat what is not very nutritious sometimes. Sure, I have my healthy chicken soup and my whole grain cereal. I have fresh berries and healthy stuff too. But would I eat a whole bag of chips and a mayo-slathered hoagie if it was in front of me? Heck yeah. Even though I am nauseous and I wouldn't be able to taste it.

I haven't figured out what this means, or why I want to even eat when I am this sick. I don't have any cravings which is nice. But today I was sicker than yesterday, and I put a call in to the doctor, and then missed the callback when I was outside cleaning up puppy doo. I really need to get in to the doctor tomorrow. I have been sick for a week now and I don't feel better. In some ways I feel worse.

That's all for now.

A Reminder of a Past Life

After seeing that horrific number on the hospital scale the other day, I just had to know what I really weigh. I am still bloated and icky, but I got up this morning and hopped on the scale and it said 188. Well, not ideal, but I can handle it.

I am still really sick this morning but I have to function. It's a school day and the house is a wreck and laundry needs to be done, etc. I had a piece of toast to soothe my nausea this morning... there is just NO WAY I can eat vegetables or even fruit or anything slightly heavy or with a gross texture (like meat... yes, I think meat has a gross texture in general). Someone asked about yogurt... I do have some nonfat Greek yogurt I may try later today, but I have been trying to avoid dairy because I was always told it produces more congestion.

I've gotten used to good health. I've gotten used to a much more active life, and being sick is a reminder of how I used to live when I was morbidly obese. Days would go by, even weeks, where most of what I did was sit. Sit on the couch, sit on a chair, sit in my car going through the drive-thrus because I didn't want to bother getting out and walking in, sitting in a chair in my yard if I ever ventured outside at all... just watching my kids play, just watching the world go by, just watching TV. Yeah, I spent a lot of my awake time *watching.* I was an observer in life, not so much a participant. Oh, I loved my kids. I did things with them... like eat, sit on the couch and help with homework, sit in a chair and read to them, sit on the bleachers for all their sports events. I *experienced* life, I had the same strong emotions and feelings that I have now. But my body was not much a part of it. My body was as sedentary as possible, because moving was painful and took so much effort that I was left breathing heavy or limping or "needing to recuperate" after something as minor as a trip up the stairs or going to one store for a few things. I feel like that now... not because of minor weight gain, but because of my illness. Obesity was an illness to me. I wasn't able to function properly, and I didn't even know how bad it was. I was just used to it.

And then life changed, I lost 100 pounds and suddenly I could move with such freedom. I was no longer restricted by weight. I can run up and down the stairs, not only several times a day, but several times *in a row* if I need to. I can walk for miles. I can mop and vacuum and play with my kids. I can get up and down off the floor without a problem, and running many errands at once is nothing. I no longer think twice about strapping skates onto my feet and skating with my daughter, or swinging with her at the playground. If I notice the sun coming out from behind the clouds, I just jump up on a whim and take the puppy for a long walk. I can move without hurting, for the most part, and being active is just part of life. It IS life, now. When I am not sick.

I sure do appreciate the second chance I've been given at health... at life. This past few days of feeling miserable and unable to *do* things has been very unpleasant for me. I can hardly fathom that I lived this way... in pain, in exhaustion, in immobility... for nearly ten years because I was morbidly obese. If only I knew how sick I was... how much it was affecting my quality of life... I'd have changed much sooner. Or tried to. It's hard. But I never want to go back. I am going to work very hard to make sure that never happens.

Good Heavens, I Weigh WHAT?

I am sure some are sick of hearing me whine by now about being sick, but my gosh. I am sick. I think I felt *worse* this morning than I did yesterday, and that's pretty bad. I was very close to vomiting and my head was in so much pain. I had to wait a few hours to take the painkillers because I had to drive the pup to the vet for her shots this morning. But when I got home, I took my medicine and felt much better. As it wears off I feel horrid again. But the doctor seemed to think that within a couple days the pain would be much less.

I saw something pretty shocking on the scale in the Urgent Care last night. I mean really upsetting. I haven't been on the scale this week because I was sick. I weighed 180 a week ago Sunday. Now, given that I always weigh first thing in the morning, after peeing, on an empty stomach, with no clothes on, how much would you think I weighed on the Urgent Care scale, with dinner and a lot of water in my belly, wearing jeans, a shirt, a sweater, and sneakers? I was thinking, give it 5 pounds for shoes and clothes, maybe. And I always weigh about 3 pounds more at night than in the morning (food in belly and water in body). Plus maybe I gained a couple pounds this week, with all the carbs and salt and being sick. Right?

196.6. Yeah, THAT is the shocking number I saw and tried to immediately erase from my memory forever. A number I NEVER thought I'd see again in my life. Now, I have no idea whether that scale weighs me the same as my 2 home scales do, but still. When I saw that I just... well you can imagine. If I wasn't so sick and in pain I think I would have had a fit over that number. In fact I didn't want to mention it here at all. But there it is. I guess without clothes and food and water in me I must be in the high 180's. Sucks.

But I can't deal with the weight right now, not today. I will get to it when I get to it, when I don't feel like crap anymore. I am not eating junk or anything. I am not baking sugary stuff or eating any candy or cookies or chips. I am eating toast and pasta and mashed potatoes and oatmeal with fresh strawberries. No binge eating. Oh, I did have a bowl of Ramen one night, though. That stuff is sooo salty. Yikes.

Well, if the doctor is right, I should be feeling much better by tomorrow or the next day at the latest. He only gave me enough pain meds for that long, and thought I'd be much better by midweek. I hope so. I feel like I am just sitting here, existing...

Midnight Update

It's almost midnight, and I just got home from a nearly 4-hour jaunt to the Urgent Care at the local hospital. Lovely little place, where you have to wait and triage through the E.R. and sit in a room packed with other sick people, bleeding children, and feverish babies. It was made even more of an 'experience' by the poor lady who was crying, howling in pain, and violently dry heaving in the waiting room while screaming, "help me! help me" and "oh my head!" I felt SO BAD for her, really. And the fact that she was still there after an hour and twenty minutes. (She was not alone, though, and I did notify a nurse who said they had it covered). Anyway, unpleasant at best, but at least I wasn't her.

Turns out that while I probably had/have the flu, I also have a severe sinus infection and an ear infection. So I came home with a two week round of antibiotics, some steroids, and YAY! pain medication!!! I am so happy to finally, FINALLY be free of that horrible, miserable headache I've had for days, unable to sleep through the pain even with over the counter stuff. As soon as I walked in the door I took one of those prescription pills, and now am sipping Sleepytime tea and winding down for bed.

At least now I am on the path to recovery. The doctor said there is no way this sinus infection would have resolved itself had I waited, so I am glad I went in. It was worth the wait just to get rid of that headache so I can finally get some sleep tonight.

Goodnight!

Insatiable

While I have been sick these past several days, I've been eating stuff I don't usually include in my menus. It's mostly carbs, like toast, oatmeal, mashed potatoes, and last night I ate a small chicken pot pie. With my mild nausea, stuffed up sinuses, severe headache and tiredness, I also have lost a good portion of my sense of smell and taste. Everything tastes pretty much the same, but textures have become important. I've eaten soft stuff that is easy on the very sore throat, and carby stuff that is easy to digest and doesn't upset my stomach. I don't have any cravings, probably because I can't taste much and am not eating much sugar aside from fruit and juice, but I never feel full or satisfied.

I'm not sure if it is mental or physical, but it's a bit disturbing to me that I can eat an average sized meal and five minutes later want to eat another average sized meal. This morning I had an egg over easy, a toasted English muffin, a small glass of orange juice, 3 fresh strawberries, and 2 cups of coffee with sugar free creamer. I ate that food maybe 10 minutes ago, and yet I don't feel like I ate a thing. In fact, right after I took the last bite, I was thinking about making myself a bowl of oatmeal. Same thing happened last night after the pot pie... I ate it and then was considering making a big bowl of noodles to eat, but decided against it since I had some noodles in chicken broth as a "snack" earlier. It's weird. I almost have no appetite, yet I never feel full. I think the "I am full" switch in my stomach/brain is broken or turned off with this flu. Usually I feel satisfied after a fairly small portion of food since I am used to eating smaller meals every 2-3 hours on Medifast. But the last couple days? Insatiable. I am terribly bored, too, being stuck in the house all day. Maybe I am using the food as entertainment, too.

I haven't given in to all these thoughts, but I *have* eaten far more than usual, along with way more salt and carbs than usual. I guess I just need to pay close attention to what I am eating, and NOT 'listen to my body' right now because my body is unwell.

I was up at 5am taking the pup out, and had too much pain and congestion to go back to sleep so I took a long hot shower and then got up and made coffee. I didn't weigh... I haven't weighed all week. I am not stepping on the scale until I am better enough to do something about whatever number I see. Right now, I am just trying to get better, and if I am not improved by tomorrow I will be going to the doctor. I think I have developed a sinus infection on top of the flu.

Hope your weekend is better than mine!

Misery

I am on day 3 of the miserable, life-sucking flu that I caught from someone who thought it was a good idea to invite friends over for dinner when she'd had fever, chills, headache, and vomiting earlier that day. I found this out as I was leaving, went home and practically bleached myself and my daughter and pumped us up on vitamin C and echinacea. Hopefully it worked for my little one, as she seems ok, but not so much for me.

I am pretty incapacitated. The first day I still walked the pup (in a daze) but yesterday I had to have my son take her out for an hour. I cannot do it. I am getting almost no sleep, as well, because my face feels like it is encased in concrete and I can't breathe through my nose either. My food intake is NOT good... mostly liquidy stuff like lots of orange juice, salty soups, Medifast shakes (for the protein), and soft mushy stuff like mashed potatoes, cream of rice, and overcooked noodles because my throat hurts. I am drinking a TON of water and juice and feel like I am retaining a lot of it. Misery.

So that's where I am. I hate being sick and I want to note that from last March when I started Medifast and got off crappy, sugary stuff completely, I did not get sick once... for months and months. Not once! And then when I started going off and eating junk here and there this winter, I have been sick several times with sinus issues and colds and everything else. I do believe that eating sugar and junk food compromises the immune system, while getting enough protein and vitamins and fresh veggies every day build it up. As soon as I am better I am going back on plan. I hate being sick.

Throwing Out the Roadblocks

I've come to the conclusion that a lot of us with "issues" such as weight problems, food obsession, any kind of "addiction" have these behaviors to serve some kind of purpose. I mean, if we didn't, we wouldn't continue them. Right? People overcome addictions everyday, and I know it is hard but it can be done. So I was thinking tonight (with my flu brain, so forgive any lack of clarity), what's with the roadblocks? That's what they are, really. Roadblocks to achieving something or accomplishing something in our lives.

We say we want certain things in life... maybe a husband, or a certain way of living, or a particular job. Maybe we want our house to be or look a certain way, or we want ourSELVES to be or look a certain way. Maybe we have a vision of the way our life *would be*.... if. And it's the 'if' that gets us.

Me, I admit it. I have *two* issues. One is food, the other is the Internet. I use both in ways I shouldn't. Not just for nourishment or utility or occasional pleasure or recreation. I, given the chance, use both to excess, in unhealthy ways. Part of the reason blogging helped me so much with my weight problem is that I could take that 2 hours a day (or more) that I was spending obsessing about *food* and spend it on the Internet instead... reading, commenting, blogging, surfing... basically checking out. Now don't get me wrong. Blogging has been a godsend. I am not going to stop. But when it takes me 15 minutes to throw out a post (about average for me, since I just start typing off the top of my head), and maybe an hour to answer emails, mess with the blog and pictures, read a few blogs here and there... then why do I sometimes find myself online for way, way longer than that? How is it I can spend 2 hours here, an hour there, another hour here and then 3 hours after I get the little one to bed... online? Doing what? I don't game. I don't program. I don't "chat." But I will while away every spare moment on here, goofing around, shopping, looking up random stuff, reading and surfing tons of sites and blogs and message boards. I love it. When I was a kid, I used to spend hours at the library. I'd be sad when they closed for the night and I had to leave. I pored over the card catalog and sat at the huge desks browsing heavy reference books, a bit sad that they couldn't be checked out and wistfully imagining owning my very own library someday. And now, I have it. I have four bookshelves in my living room, lined mostly with reference books. But the Internet... oh wow! When I 'found' it in 1997, it was my dream come true. It's like all the libraries in the world joined together and they're open all night! It's heavenly for me. But I can waste an awful lot of time looking up scientific articles online and reading them. Plus, I get to people-watch, which has always been a favorite pastime of mine. I've always liked to put on my dark sunglasses and just sit somewhere in a park or outside a store and watch people go by and think about them and catch snippets of their conversations and their lives. Message boards and blogs are just like that, only better!

I use food like I use the Internet... as a distraction, an excuse, a roadblock. I've mentioned before how food obsession takes your mind off other, more pressing and distressing matters in your life that you *should* be facing but are avoiding. Eating, dieting, obsessing, surfing the web for hours... all avoidance techniques. All roadblocks we place in our own paths so we don't have to progress. It's easier that way.

What would you have to do if you removed the roadblocks? Do you even know where your road would lead? Is it too scary to think about, so you just keep eating and dieting and failing and obsessing and distracting yourself with other behaviors, whether it be the Internet, drinking, smoking and trying to quit repeatedly, gambling, fighting and fixing a bad relationship over and over, or sexual obsessions? It's all just smoke and mirrors. All roadblocks YOU put there. And they sure look like big, heavy, concrete roadblocks too. Can't go around these babies, so you may as well stay put and stagnate.

Where could we be if we got rid of the roadblocks? Think about it. I know where I could be, and it IS scary to me. A smaller body, more activity, more expectations from people, more time to do everything I have put off for years. If I got off the computer for even that one extra hour per day, I bet my house would be a lot more organized. Yet I block myself from *doing* it because, well, this is easier.

It might seem impossible to change it. But I have a little secret. Those roadblocks are not made of concrete. They are made of styrofoam. And just as we placed them there, we can remove them. We just have to decide we really *want* to go down that road after all, and be brave enough to take the first steps.

Flu

Looks like the flu is going around here. Lots of kids and their moms and dads from my daughter's Kindergarten have come down with it, and apparently so have I. I woke in the middle of the night with a headache, chills, achiness and sore throat. Other people who've had this tell me they progressed to fevers, coughing AND vomiting, sometimes for 5 or more days. UGH. I hope I don't go THAT far down the path...

My daughter says her belly hurts so we are home today vegging out. I am nauseous so I had toast for breakfast and am sipping a diet 7-Up right now. I even went out and walked the pup a half mile (she really needed it) and felt like a zombie out there... especially when I realized I hadn't even combed my hair!

Hoping for some decent sleep tonight. Brain is not working properly, so this is all the post you get :)

A Couple Little Things

This weekend, when I was skating with my daughter, someone I've known for about 4 years came up to me. We chatted awhile, and then she said, "You've lost weight!" I said, "yes, I have." And she smiled and said, "You look much healthier." I was very glad to hear it, and I knew it was sincere.

A day prior, I was shopping in a clothing store. As I walked down the aisles, I saw a pair of super cute capri jeans hanging on a rack. I thought, "ooohh, those look so cute, but they are too small for me. But maybe if they are an 8 I could get them to work into!" I reached for them, thinking they were really awfully small. Not sure I'd ever be that small. Imagine my SHOCK when I saw they were size 16! And not a misses 16, either. An actual Women's 16! I have some serious body dysmorphic issues going on here! Those would be too BIG for me... by a LOT! Yet I "see" myself in my mind's eye as much, much larger than those pants hanging on the rack. What an eye opener. And yes, I looked for my size... a 10 or even an 8 to get into... but they didn't have anything *small enough* for me. How crazy is THAT??

I am tired today. I was up all night with a sick puppy, and am running on coffee to stay away long enough to get my kids from school, take them to the dentist, get to dance class, and get home for dinner. I am really exhausted, but am eating on plan today just as I did yesterday.

That's all for now!

I Am Not Inadequate

I woke up this morning in a fog, feeling very sad. It's strange how sometimes, everything is going well for me in life and I am feeling good about the direction I am headed, yet I wake up feeling utterly sad and almost in tears. It's an empty feeling that doesn't make logical sense to me. It doesn't happen a lot, but enough for me to take note and wonder.

I paid attention this morning when I woke up sad. Usually, I brush it off as "I am not a morning person" or "I must have had a bad dream I don't remember." Maybe true. And I always feel better within an hour. But this time, I tuned in.

It was not just "sad." I tried to feel the feelings and not just drown them in coffee and ignore them while I go about other things. I tried to put a label on the feelings, and finally, I found it. The label was:

Inadequate.

I feel inadequate. A lot. I think it started many years ago and many of the events in my life reinforced that sense of inadequacy. It isn't even *about* a particular thing, like parenting or losing weight or my abilities. It is a general feeling, like I wake up and there is a flashing neon sign above my head... "Inadequate...Inadequate...Inadequate."

And then I noticed something. It is not a THOUGHT or even a belief. I honestly do not believe I am inadequate. I actually like myself quite a bit, and think I do a darn good job of most things I set my mind to. I believe I am empowered and steady and... just good. Why this *feeling*, then, of general inadequacy?

I have my theories. As a kid, I was never good enough for God. My mom and my religion constantly told me how God was watching and could even read my thoughts, and how I was really just NOT GOOD ENOUGH for God and boy was he going to punish me someday. I grew up sort of abnormally hyperfocused on religion and on "pleasing God," praying every night when I was 8 and 9 and 10 years old that God would "please, please forgive me for all the bad things I have done and thought today that I don't know I did wrong or forgot about." I was scared all the time of God's displeasure. (I think I was pretty scared of my mother's displeasure, too, until I got old enough to grab the wooden spoon away from her as she was chasing me to hit me with it). I think my mother said things to me that I don't even remember when I was very small, because the tape still echos in my head, and while I can't make out the words, it feels like I ought to be cowering, crying, and wondering why I am such a bad girl.

I gained some confidence... a lot of confidence, actually... when I was 18 and left that religion and my parent's home and moved out on my own to work and save for college. I found a new self-love and freedom in a merciful new God, along with the sense that FINALLY I was good enough, because even if I wasn't Jesus had it covered. But a new demon came into my life, in a marriage that was hurtful to me in many ways. I began to once again feel inadequate... as a wife, a mother, a stepmother, a person. I was never good enough. If I washed every scrap of laundry in the house and hung it all out on the line to dry while caring for my small children, gardening, quilting and keeping a very clean house, I was berated for the one sock that I did NOT wash because it had fallen behind the dresser. When I gained 20 pounds after losing a baby during pregnancy, I was made fun of. I couldn't DO right or BE right for almost nine years, and once again, I felt... inadequate.

Yet again, I left a bad situation and made things better. I found my confidence again in my ability to work and get excellent grades in college, win scholarships, earn praise, raise my children alone. It was HARD but I was so proud. I did it. And then I remarried, and things fell apart again, and the blinking red light above my head this time said, "Failure...Failure...Failure."

So here I am. I've taken back my power, I am improving my life by leaps and bounds and doing a good job with the kids and the dog and myself, I think. Yet I woke up this morning sad, because I *felt* inadequate.

I guess it is one of those ingrained notions that one must consciously work to overcome. I have changed my *thoughts* about myself. Yet the feelings, which are nonexistent during the light of day, creep out and leak into my consciousness in the weakened state of morning grogginess.

And why am I writing about this? Because I believe that feeling of being inadequate has been one of the driving factors in my weight loss struggle. Oh, I have made lots of progress, but it's still a struggle. And this is partly why. I am still inclined to shove food into my mouth when I am succeeding at weight loss, to reinforce those feelings of inadequacy. "I don't deserve it, I can't do it, I am not good enough, I am a failure." That tape is being played. But I am cutting off the tape. I am done hearing it. I don't *believe* I am inadequate... so there is no reason to *feel* it anymore. I can replace those feelings with something positive, something good. Say goodbye to that neon light, because I am turning it off tonight.

Sunday Night Already

Wow, it's late Sunday night and I just remembered I didn't post a weigh in yet today! I have been soooo busy this weekend it isn't funny. My pup has grown quite big already... not the fuzzy little furball she was just a month ago. She must weigh close to 30 pounds now and looks like a miniature German Shepherd. She is a wonderful pup and I am enjoying training her. She does motivate me to move more. Funny how I might sit here and veg for an hour left on my own, but when I look into those dark brown eyes I have to get up and take her out. We walked twice today: once a mile, the other time a half mile. She's awesome and we are already getting started in dog sports.

I am super tired and going to bed shortly. I am not a big fan of Valentine's Day, myself, but I do write a little note on a heart-shaped sticky paper for each of my kids and leave them a few foil wrapped chocolate hearts in their rooms. Honestly it will be a relief when it's over, because, to me, February 15th sort of signifies the end of winter. I know it isn't *really*, but there is so much more sun and usually the weather starts to warm up and we lose the snow and gloom around this time. The days get longer and I start to feel human again. Winter is hard on me. I am ready for spring!

Scale says 180, same as last Sunday. Which is okay with me, since I tend to lose/stall/lose/stall along with my monthly cycle. Hoping for a good loss this week!

What's the Payoff?

Binge eating disorder is no fun. It's really not. Sometimes I glorify the Binge in my head; I remember and imagine it to be something amazing, spectacular, and transcendent. I've written before about the absolute high... the almost out-of-body experience I'd get at 278 pounds from eating a bowl of brownie batter. And it *was* like that, sometimes. But not all binges are. In fact, very few are.

It's like gambling. You go to the slot machine. You put in your coins, pull the arm, and wait. You hope you win something... maybe the jackpot. You imagine all the things you would do with the money: a new house, a new car, a trip to Hawaii... it would change your life! You get carried away in the fantasy, putting money in over and over and pulling that lever. But how long will you stay at that machine if you never, EVER got anything from it? Usually, people get annoyed and move on to some other machine. But if they get a "win"... BINGO!!! Their drive to continue 'playing' is stoked. They usually put all $50 or $100 they 'won' right back into the machine, trying for the Big One. And they go home with nothing, or less.

Why? Why do people do that? Keep putting their time, money, and attention into a dumb machine that ends up COSTING them money? Well, because those little 'wins' are the random, irregular payoff they need to keep believing they can and will win a jackpot. It's hard to stop. And binge eating is the same way.

You step up to the plate. You are excited. You take a few bites. Meh. It is not that great. It is okay, but not as good as you thought it would be, but maybe the next bite will be THE ONE that is fantastic, amazing, delicious! So you eat the whole burger or whatever. Then you imagine cheesecake. You run out and buy cheesecake, take a bite, meh. It is not that good, kind of icky. But you *remember* delicious, amazing, out-of-body cheesecake! Maybe the next bite will be the one! You eat it all. How disappointing. But oh! Wouldn't a bag of chips be GREAT? Maybe *that* will be the jackpot! You buy them, you eat them, meh. Not so great... well, the crunch is great! Maybe if I focus on the crunch and not the greasy lack of flavor I will get that *hit* I am seeking! No? That's okay, how about a Snickers bar? Hmmm, no luck, how about some M&M's? BINGO!! The smooth cool hardness yielding to warm melty chocolateyness is a payoff! It tastes good, it feels good, it is the *experience* you wanted! Not FANTASTIC, not BROWNIE BATTER, mind you, but oh it is a good payoff, maybe a $50 win! And so you "won" and now your desire to binge is fueled yet again.

If every bite was fantastic, it would get old and we'd eat less. I've tried making every bite fantastic, but it's pretty unreasonable to do that on a daily basis. A poached chicken breast is not going to be fantastic, nor is a plate of steamed broccoli. They can be *good*, made properly and perhaps seasoned, but they are not going to give a high like sugar does. Tasty food is a nice way to live... strawberries and fresh peaches and yummy oatmeal are great! But for the binge eater, there is that casino of junk food right around the corner, calling for your time and investment.

The payoff in a binge is NOT the taste or flavor of the food, usually. This is a revelation I only recently discovered. I *thought* I binged because I wanted yummy food... because all the things I'd eat on a binge tasted great to me. But that is not true. Sometimes the first bite or two tastes great, and then it goes downhill. Sometimes the first bite is a huge disappointment but I keep eating it anyway, or go on seeking something *better.* If there is a 'next time' you binge or even eat junk that is off plan, pay attention. I mean REALLY pay attention. Does the food taste that good? As good as you imagined it would? How do you feel? I have found that the vast majority of foods I have binged on don't even taste that good. In fact, I have a secret list on my computer of foods I want to eat. Yeah, it started out long ago as a sort of binge shopping list, so that while I was staying on plan if I had a food obsession, I could put that food on The List so that when I DID go off plan, I could just go buy ALL those foods I had wanted over the past several weeks or months. And then, the list turned into something useful. I made a couple of 'sub-lists' called "worth it" and "not as good as I thought it would be." Whenever I actually ate something on the Binge List, I'd move it to one sub-list or the other. You want to know what that list looks like now?

 There are 25+ foods on the "not as good as I thought" list, and 3 foods on the "worth it" list. This has been VERY helpful to me. It has helped me *remember reality* and not glorify the binge. When I see the list, I remember that the Brucci's cheese steak I had was gristly and flavorless... that it did not measure up to my cheese steak fantasy. I remember that last time I bought crunchy Cheetos, they tasted so nasty that I threw out tho whole bag after eating about 6 Cheetos. The list breaks apart the fantasy and reminds me that "oh yeah, I tried that last time and it was gross." It also reminds me of which (very few) foods I went off plan for were actually very tasty and good. You might think that is a BAD idea, because won't I buy those foods next time I go off plan? Well, maybe, but not likely. There is something missing in the payoff when the food is always exactly what you imagined. In fact, there is a calmness about eating them that seems almost abnormal to me. Knowing the ONE kind of ice cream I truly love, that was *worth it* to me, is SUCH a blessing because now I do not have to buy 6 different tubs of ice cream and eat huge portions of each kind trying to find 'the one.' I KNOW what 'the one' is, and I could, in fact, eat one serving of it because the frantic search is no longer there. It doesn't trip me like the others did. Every bite is what I wanted. And even if I ate the whole pint, which I doubt I would do, that is a far cry better than 6 tubs of not-very-good ice creams. Reality, not fantasy, yields satisfaction.

The true payoff of binge eating is:
feeling nauseous/upset stomach
heartburn
being unable to sleep well
self loathing
hyperfocus on the binge rather than on other issues in life that should be addressed
weight gain
money down the drain
drop in self esteem
pants that are tight
regret

Stop letting the mental image and glorified memories of food drive you to gamble on your life. Reality is better.

When's the Best Time to Binge?

I had a sodium attack last night. Or something. I am sure you've seen this before on my blog, where I eat a bunch of salty stuff right before a hormone shift. I am getting better at handling it, but I wish it was not such an overpowering feeling of desperation for salt. I mean, you know you have something going on when you find yourself licking salt out of your hand, which is something I have done in the past.

I've found some half decent subs for the old hot dogs and potato chips I used to inhale at times like these. Dill pickles are good, and green olives are too (only 25 calories for 5 and they are rich in healthy fat). Baked kale chips or roasted green beans do the trick, too. My downfall is cheese, though. Something about cheese gets me. But at least my portions are in line with a "normal" person's nowadays.

Last night I felt salt starved AND hungry even after dinner. I ate a baby dill pickle, a few green olives, and a couple slices of 2% American cheese. I also ate 2 ounces of sharp cheddar. I finished off my night by combining two Medifast meals: a brownie and a chocolate pudding. I ate a tablespoon of peanut butter off a fork (salted). And then I was okay, and went to bed early.

Yesterday I was thinking about something. Here it is. I sometimes ponder WHEN would be a good time to "go off plan" and have a mini binge. I think about how, over the past few years, I've gone off the deep end every so often, ate something way off plan, and then thought I may as well have some MORE off plan stuff because, after all, I am already off plan.

So the question rolling around in my head becomes:
When is the best time to go off plan and eat crap?

It seems like a stupid question. I mean, I am here to lose weight and stay ON plan. But because of this question, I realise that part of me still thinks I am not capable of never bingeing. (As an aside, I know my "binges" aka "mini-binges" are nowhere near the magnitude of the ones I had in the past. Nowadays, going off plan is about 1/5 the volume and severity that it used to be, because my stomach is smaller and that stuff would make me sick, and I also have a little more self control and self respect that I used to. But for the purpose of this post, I will call it a *binge* anyway... because that's what it still feels like to me). Part of me thinks I need to binge, that it is part of me, that it is inevitable so I may as well plan it out.

I have thought about this a lot. Whenever I have "gone off" and am trying to get myself back together, I think: "One more day wouldn't hurt. Hey, I forgot to have some cheesecake while I was 'off.' I may as well have it now instead of waiting until I am doing great and on a roll losing weight and screwing up THEN."

These thoughts/rationalizations sound like this:

 Having a binge NOW, when I am just starting out, is better than having it LATER, when I am on a losing streak.
Better to just add one more off day to a streak of off days than to screw up later when I I am doing great.
If I binge now, THEN I will be able to focus and lose weight and not binge again later, at least for a while.
Having a binge in the beginning of weight loss is okay because I am just starting out and not really *ruining* anything or stalling my progress.

You know, it's all a mind game. It's all food obsession. The fact is that every day off plan... every binge... is screwing up my progress. That is true whether I binge today or tomorrow or after I have been on plan for 30 days. But once I do "good" for awhile, I get this sense that "hey, I have been on plan for 10 days and I don't want to screw that up." Which is nice, but not helpful if you've had an off day and think you may as well extend it to 2, 3, 4 off days.

There is never a good time to binge, and thinking that adding a binge day when you're already off plan is somehow "better" is another mind game. The fact is, the fewer binges, the better. And the goal is to eliminate them altogether.

I still have a binge eating disorder; that's obvious. Even though I am not bingeing NOW, I think about it. Someone left a comment yesterday that our brains form 'grooves' or pathways according to what we think about repeatedly. That is so true. When I was a kid, teen, or young adult I never, *ever* thought about food  in the obsessive way I do now. It didn't get like this until I was in my late 20's, maybe early 30's. Even though I was overweight in my 20's it was not due to this craziness that goes on in my head now. The binge insantiy came later. I formed thoe habits. I formed those pathways. And if I ever want to be free of them, I have to stop walking those paths over and over and over.

Part of me, the disordered part, says this morning that since I went "off plan" last night eating a couple ounces of cheese and some olives, I "may as well" go buy some potato chips and Coke and while I'm at it I could make a list of all the things I've wanted to eat and haven't over the past couple weeks, and go buy them all and eat everything including a million kinds of Valentine's candy, because hey, now is the best time to binge... I'm already off plan! And since I *know* I will do that binge *someday*, now is the best time.

Crazy talk. I DO NOT HAVE TO BINGE. EVER. And I don't have to keep thinking about it.

I am staying on plan because I love myself. I am doing this because I am dissociating from the old identity as a Binge Eater. I am forming new pathways by directing my mind to other things when *food* is on the brain. I choose to focus on my children, my wonderful puppy, my home, my yard, my life. Those are the things I want ingrained in my head. Those are the the paths I will walk.

Wouldn't It Be Nice...?

Yesterday I thought I was having an easy day, but it turned a little food driven in the afternoon. I was tired all day, feel very pressed for time the past couple of weeks (without much of a break), and I am mid-cycle (hormone crash coming). I drank a lot of coffee with Splenda (but most cups had no cream or creamer... I am working on eliminating adding those to *good* coffee). And I started thinking about food a LOT in the afternoon.

As I was driving my daughter to her dance class, I was obsessing about food. I was annoyed that I hadn't made time to hard boil some eggs so I could make deviled eggs for my dinner when we got home at 5:30. I was trying to figure out what I could eat for dinner instead that would be on plan.

I started thinking things like,
"Oh, wouldn't it be nice to go get a fast food bacon double cheeseburger and just not eat the bun?" I did used to do that sometimes when I was on South Beach diet, and still lost weight as long as I stayed low in carbs. I started trying to justify it in my head, but quickly stopped myself with: "I don't eat fast food" and "That is not on my plan NOW."

I thought about restaurants we could go to. But I *just* went out to dinner last night, so financially that's really not in the cards, either. "Wouldn't it be nice," I thought, "to go out to dinner every night, or have a personal chef to make me whatever I wanted? Wouldn't it be nice to be rich and not have to worry about that?" and that turned into "Wouldn't it be nice to go to Outback and eat a whole Bloomin' Onion if I felt like it and not worry about gaining weight? Wouldn't it be nice to eat whatever I wanted whenever I felt like it?"

I went to the store and wandered the aisles (not the greatest idea, but I needed a few things). I noticed all the new types of ice cream and snacks on the shelves, and I started thinking: "Wouldn't it be nice to just pick whatever I want off the shelves, put it in my cart with no thought to nutrition or health, and go home and eat it in any quantities I want?"

Bingo! The binge mindset was talking! And I told myself, "Look, yeah, it would be 'nice' in a way. In fact you've DONE that many times in the past. Many people NEVER do that. Lots of people NEVER consider going to the store, buying 3 kinds of chips, 4 kinds of cookies, a couple bags of candy, Coke, cream puffs, Pizza Rolls and donuts. NEVER! It is really not normal nor responsible behavior. Would you tell your kids to eat that way? The only reason you know it is 'nice' is because you've done it and liked it. But do you like the consequences?" I had think think about my body, struggling along more than 100 pounds overweight. I had to remember being unable to sit in a lawn chair, fit in a booth, ride the rides with my children. I had to remember being unable to buckle a seat belt in a friend's car, watching my toddler run towards a busy road and being unable to catch up to her in time, and knocking glass shelving down with my hips in a party store. I had to remember always wearing the same 3XL stained t-shirt, the black stretch pants with the holes between the thighs, and not having a winter coat that would zip shut. I had to remember sitting up in bed at night choking on my own vomit from acid reflux, hobbling around my house hollering down the stairs to my kids to bring things up to me because I was nearly immobile, being unable to tuck them into bed at night because I couldn't go up and down the stairs, and laying on a metal gurney in the ER with heart palpitations while people swirled around me in a panic, thinking I was having a heart attack.

No. It wouldn't be nice.

I will take the life I have now, and love it.

About Yesterday, and How I'm Doing

I wanted to address something briefly in regard to yesterday's post, "Stop Tricking Yourself." Apparently, some may have read it as a slam against other bloggers and what they say or don't say on their blogs. That was the farthest thing from what I was suggesting! If you've read here for long, you know I believe in being compassionate and *not* judging other peoples' choices or "calling people out" if you think they are not doing something "right." Frankly, unless it's your spouse or your child or someone you love dearly, their eating is not your business. And even then, we have to be loving even if firm. That's my opinion.

My post was meant to stimulate *self-reflection* (emphasis on SELF) about why we write/don't write/say/don't say the things we do. It has nothing to do with anyone but yourself. Only you can know whether your blog/forum posts are honest, accurate, helpful. And if you want to eat cookies, that's no one's place to decide but yours. I am just sharing what I've learned from 3 1/2 years of weight loss blogging: that it is EASY to trick one's self into believing we are "on plan" when we are not or to slip into "forgetting" mistakes, and it is important to be honest, with *yourself* and, if you choose to make it public, with your readers. Hope that clarifies a bit!

Whenever I have a 'fresh start' of some sort, it is usually a struggle for a while and then there seems to be a time where the switch flips, so to speak, and the struggle dissipates for the most part. When doing any low carb plan, it usually takes me 4 or 5 days to hit that point where I am not constantly FIGHTING myself not to eat junk, cereal, bread, whatever. This time, it took longer. Probably because I have been so wishy-washy with my eating over the past few months. But finally, *finally* yesterday I felt myself slip into that calmer, more steady mode where even if I am tempted, I can handle it. It's not a frantic crazy urge that I feel like I have to straight jacket myself in order to control it. It's more like, "well, that would be good, but I am going to ignore it." And I CAN. This is why I like low carb plans, like South Beach diet and Medifast. Very helpful in the reduction of binge eating behavior for me.

Today feels good, physically. I feel in control of my eating so far. However I have totally screwed up on my exercise. I have not done my PT exercises in 2 weeks (since I was sick) and all I have done is walking the pup a mile here and there. I am annoyed at myself for not staying with the PT like I had planned. Seems like there's not enough time in a day, and when they suggested I was 'done' and didn't need to keep coming in but just do the exercises at home, it went on the back burner. I don't want to lose all the progress I made strengthening my knees and hips. I don't feel terribly motivated to do them, but I think I need to just push myself, rehab-style, to get it done at *least* every other day.

Good day ahead!

Just Dinner

Second post today. It's late, but I wanted to update what I had for dinner at the restaurant.

I ordered plain iced tea to drink, added nothing to it, and drank one and a third glasses of that plus some water.

Bread was brought to the table. Soft, warm, crusty bread. I can't say it didn't bother me. This time, it did. It bothered me. Not a LOT, but I did pick a piece up and smell it. I did halfway consider eating a bite. Or a piece. But the urge wasn't terribly strong, so I pushed the bread away and waited for the appetizer.

Seared Ahi tuna roll came to the table as an appetizer. It was fantastic! I had four thin slices and some of the chopped slaw (cabbages mostly, plain, atop an Asian dressing type of stuff which got on the bottom of the slaw and was yummy) and a few thin pieces of pickled ginger.

Next came the salad, which was smallish but good and fresh, mainly baby spinach with a few other greens mixed in, sliced fresh mushrooms, a bit of crumbled bacon and shredded Parmesan (which I mostly managed to pick off... the Parmesan, that is), with dill dressing on the side. I dipped my fork into the dressing and used maybe 1 Tablespoon of it.

Then the entree, which was a fabulously done piece of Mahi Mahi cooked with no oils or breading, just grilled to perfection with a tiny side cup of macadamia nut butter (not like 'peanut butter' but more like melted, seasoned butter with a few toasted nuts sprinkled in it) which I did dip into a bit, sparingly. I asked for the vegetables to come with no added oils or butter, and double veggies but no rice pilaf. The steamed asparagus spears were very good. Great entree!

Then when the table ordered dessert, I got a cup of decaf coffee and put some Splenda and a splash of cream in there. I drank about 4 ounces of that and then it was time to go. I found I was perfectly satisfied sipping that hot coffee while others ate chocolate mousse. I did not feel deprived at all, and in fact thought, "this coffee tastes similar to chocolate and is probably even better because it is not overwhelmingly sweet." A strange thought for me, indeed :)

All in all, it was a fine evening and a wonderful dinner. Of course, I couldn't weigh my food at the restaurant but I am estimating the combined total of the two types of fish was approximately what I'd need for my Lean portion (7 oz cooked), and there was about a cup of asparagus (if it had been chopped) and a cup of salad. So just about right on the veggies, too. The dressing and the butter count as the 2 fats I need, and the Splenda and cream as well as any seasoning on the fish count as condiments. The crumbled bacon in the salad was off plan and I'd estimate 50 calories worth and some added fat/sodium.

The rest of my day was:
Coffee & sugar free creamer (1 condiment)
Medifast pancakes with sugar free syrup (1 condiment)
Medifast hot cocoa
Medifast Smores bar
Medifast Chocolate Mint bar
Medifast brownie topped with 1 T peanut butter (1 snack)

So I was over by 2 condiments today as well. I am okay with that, for a day with a fancy restaurant meal, but tomorrow I am aiming for 100%. I finally feel like I am getting back in control of my eating again. FINALLY. It is harder to get back on plan after screwing up a lot than it is to just STAY on. I am very happy to be back in the groove and hope I can hang in there for that new low weight I am striving for.

Stop Tricking Yourself

The more I think about it, the more I believe that a big problem for many of us is being honest with ourselves. And this is compounded in the blogosphere, or on weight loss forums, where you write publicly and share (some of) what you are eating and how you are doing. I am convinced there are a lot of omissions and even dishonesty in such venues, simply because we do NOT want to fess up and admit that we are having a problem.

Let's say that you do usually share your progress and eating on your blog or your forum. Have you ever overdone it, eaten a load of crap, and then just conveniently "forgotten" to add that info to your blog entry? What I mean is, you put up a post. You share all the food you ate, total it up, and say something like, "today was a great day! I ate 1525 calories." And then 20 minutes later you are snarfing Oreos? But you never add that in there. Or maybe you just skip the blog that day, or for a few days. Maybe you don't post the bad weigh in, or fudge your numbers a bit. Why? Who is this benefiting? NO ONE. Not you, and not your readers and forum friends. You are tricking YOURSELF into 'forgetting' your mistakes, and you are leading others to believe you are eating healthy and stalled out for no good reason.

Even worse, I think, is the excuse making mode. You see a cupcake. You want it. You resist. You can hardly stand it. You give in and eat it. And then you go on your blog or forum and say "oh, I decided to have a cupcake today! I did great all week, it was a deserved indulgence and I enjoyed every bite!" Excuse me?? Is this really true?? Think about it. Yes, some folks *do* have PLANNED indulgences and it works for them. I'm not here to judge. But if you *screw up* and feel bad about it and wish you hadn't, then SAY SO. Don't try and justify it. Don't try and make it sound like you *meant* to do it. Like it was part of your plan. "Oh I had a bowl of chips the other day and it fit into my plan just fine" might be true or it might be a load of garbage. Only you know the truth. But if you were *resisting* a food, or felt bad about eating it, or if you KNOW it was not part of your *real* plan, then quit tricking yourself and everyone else by trying to turn a mistake into some kind of awesome dieting tactic. Let's be real.

Of course, none of us HAS to share what we eat, or our weights, or anything else we don't want to. Many of us choose to do so on forums or blogs, and once we make that choice I do believe we have the responsibility to be HONEST. If you don't want people to know about your screw ups, that's okay. Make the blog private, or just say you had a bad day and leave it at that. But don't lie, for pete's sake. Who benefits from the trickery? Not you. Not anyone. And once you convince *yourself* that eating crap every so often is "just fine", you can bet it will be harder for you to get your mind straight and stay on your *real* plan... if it does not truly include candy bars and potato chips.

Sometimes it has been honestly painful for me to come here and admit what I have eaten or what I weight. When I gained 11 pounds in a week don't you think I'd have rather not said so? Do you think it has been easy for me to come here and admit day after day that I was eating crap back when I was stalled out for awhile? It's not easy. But it fosters SUCCESS. It fosters honesty and self reflection, even if some people want to be rude or condescending in your comments because they don't approve of what you are. So what? Ignore them, delete them, whatever. But for the sake of your own mental health and weight loss success, do not try and twist a screw up around and make it sound like you MEANT to do it and it is fine with you when it really is not.

I am going out to dinner tonight at a very nice restaurant tonight! I am excited and I know I can stay on plan there. I will update with my menu when I return, but I expect it to look something like this:

plain iced tea
salad
fish (not fried)
steamed veggies
maybe a coffee with splenda for "dessert"

Have a great Monday!

Rehab Results, week 1

I worked hard this week to stay on plan. I'd decided last week that enough is enough, I have GOT to quit indulging myself in little bits here and there (and BIG bits on occasion) because my goal here is NOT to maintain my loss, but to lose more weight. Nothing wrong with maintaining, or staying at a particular weight for awhile while you get used to it or whatever, but hey, I was this weight in October. Winter is tough, but it's time to move on and quit screwing around.

There were some times this week when I really, *really* wanted junk. Last night was tough. I was pacing around and ALL I could think about were chips. I get sort of obsessed or hyper-focused on particular foods sometimes where they dance around in my brain constantly. The chips thing has been going on for awhile. Over the course of January, I bought and consumed three bags of Kettle chips (shared with kids but mostly eaten by me). And you know what? Eating them those 3 separate times did NOT cure my obsession. It fueled it. I wanted them more. I still want them. But I know if I bought a bag and ate them all today, I would be putting that very last chip in my mouth and immediately want another bag. It's a never-ending want that cannot be satisfied, and if I ate 20 bags of Kettle chips this weekend, I might not want any tomorrow but I would want them again in a few days. Since it's an itch that can't be scratched, I think I just need to learn to ignore it.

So last night I was hungry, I wanted chips, I wanted junk. But I did NOT want to give in, I really didn't. Every little "give-in" weakens you to the next one. It reinforces behavior that leads to weight gain. But my gosh, I thought I'd lose it. I wondered what I *could* have that would be okay. I decided on a Kraft 2% cheese single slice as a snack, and I topped my Medifast brownie with cream cheese (an allowed healthy fat). And I went to bed early.

This morning the scale says 180. That's five pounds gone this week. Now I just have 6 pounds to go to get to a new low of 174. I figure if I keep doing what I'm doing, I should be there in about 2 weeks.


*FTC-required disclosure: Medifast provided me with its products for my personal use for free. I am not paid or compensated in any other way for mentioning their products. Medifast states an "average weight loss of up to 2 to 5 pounds a week."*

Week in Review

Well, I am doing it, whether I feel like it or not. The only indiscretions I had over the past few days involved cheese. An ounce or two of extra cheese, more than allowed in my plan. Other than that? Perfect.

If you follow my Twitter meals or noticed the food updates on the sidebar of my blog, you know what I've been eating this week:

Mixed green salad with baby grape tomatoes, smoked blue cheese, 5 oz. rare flat iron steak sliced over the top, with light blue cheese dressing and a drizzle of light Balsamic dressing

Cauliflower pizza topped with cheese and mushrooms

Egg Beaters scrambled with turkey sausage, green peppers, and broccoli

Flat iron steak marinated in rosemary & garlic with steamed broccoli and mixed baby field greens with light Balsamic vinaigrette

Baked cauliflower "bread sticks" topped with light cheese with a side of marinara dipping sauce (recipe coming)

It's tasty food, no doubt. It's not really deprivation, unless you are a junk-a-holic who'd just as soon eat a bag of Kettle chips, a box of cookies and a Coke for dinner. Sometimes I can hardly believe I'd rather eat that stuff, but I know my tastes have changed for some things. Over time hopefully I will come to prefer the good stuff. I LIKE the good stuff, I ENJOY it, but still, usually, given a choice I'd take junk. I guess because I was raised on it. Is it crazy that if I could get away with it, I'd calorie count and subsist on Snickers and Cheetos? I would, I really would, and I am tempted, but I know it's not healthy and it would lead to binges.

Exercise has been non-existent this week unless you count puppy walking. I've been mega-tired all week. Still waiting for my energy to come back! Spring is just around the corner, so I have hope.

Looking forward to my weigh-in tomorrow. I am on the right track for a loss.

Because I'm Tired of It

I am tired of dieting.

Yeah, I know I will get a bunch of people saying "lifestyle! Not diet!" but I have already explained how I feel about that in this post. My eating during weight loss IS different from what my eating will be during maintenance. I do not want to lose weight *forever* so what I am doing does not need to last *forever.* Of course I can't ever go back to binge eating, overeating, or mindless eating. But I am NOT, not going to count calories, use Medifast, measure every bite, or count carbs *forever.* You can if you'd like. We can do things our own way.

Anyway, what I am tired of is the focus on losing weight, whether it's from a "diet" or a habit change or whatever. I am tired of the scale. I am tired of logging my weight, having  plan out my food, drinking a ton of water, and spending time and energy on weight loss. I am tired of the strictness. I am tired of the foods I am eating, tired of saying no to myself over and over, tired of *wanting* to lose weight.

And because I am tired of it, I am doing it.

Does that make sense? If I dink around *sort of* doing it, it will take even longer. I am about at my limit for weight loss expenditure, I think. Four years is enough. It will be four years in August since I started this journey at 278 pounds. I am ready to be done.

I figure it takes x number of on-plan days to get to goal. Maybe in my case it's 120 days, just picking a random number here. I also figure that for every day I go off plan, it adds about 3 extra days of being on plan to get to goal (to undo the damages). I can choose to stay on plan and be DONE in 120 days, or spend 10% of my days off plan and add 48 more days to how long it will take me to get there. At least. So if you're sick of dieting, sick of being fat, sick of the whole weight loss thing, it's probably not a good idea to "take a break" every so often. Better to just get it done in the shorter time period. Heck, if I hadn't gone off plan this winter I would probably be at goal by now. Which sucks. But also motivates me to stick to it.

Maybe someday I will be tired of maintenance, too. Tired of the effort it takes just to not *regain* weight, but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. For now I am just focusing on getting this done.

I Almost Had A Moment

It is so annoying some days to deal with food you can't eat. It's inevitable unless you live in a bubble; there will be family gatherings, work events, outings with friends, etc in which you have to see and smell foods that are NOT conducive to weight loss. It sucks, it really does. There have been times that stuff like that doesn't bother me, but now isn't one of those times.

When my kids were all little, we ate pizza as often as possible. I've always loved pizza, and so did my kids. I'd make it myself, or we'd splurge on a take-n-bake, or believe it or not we would get a stack of free Pizza Hut pizzas from the food bank when we were quite poor, because apparently anything that does not get picked up from their store gets donated to the food bank and frozen. Pizza has always been a part of my life and my kids' growing up. It probably always will be, whether tweaked healthier or not.

It's been a few weeks that my kids have been asking to order pizza for dinner, and today I was so exhausted from running errands that I decided it would be a good night for that. I had the ingredients to make my cauliflower pizza for me, which is a real (healthy) treat. No problem.

I walked into the take-and-bake shop to order the pizzas. There was a line. I stood there smelling the fresh dough, the cheese, the onions and sausages. It smelled so, so good. I looked at the menu and remembered. I remembered all the different kinds of pizza I used to get there to indulge in. I noticed some very attractive signs up, with photographs of the specials: the stuffed pizza with pepperonis and melted cheese peeking out between layers of crust; the "salads" layered with ham and cheese and loads of bacon and dressing; the freshly baked chocolate chip cookies sitting on a plate. I saw the cheesy bread with dipping sauce and the cinnamon dessert bread with icing. I saw pictures of the "new" taco pizza and the "new" s'mores dessert pizza loaded with chocolate and marshmallows. I thought I would hyperventilate there for a minute. S'mores pizza?!? Holy crap. Why didn't I know about this last week when I was indulging myself and eating garbage? (Yes, I actually thought that). I saw the corner note, "for a limited time only" and I almost had a breakdown.

What if I waited too long and they stopped making s'mores pizzas and I NEVER GOT TO TRY IT? Oh my gosh, I almost had a fit thinking about it.

I had a moment, standing in line, where I imagined getting everything I wanted and going home and eating it all: 3 kinds of pizza, cheesy bread, "salad", Pepsi, cinnamon bread dessert, cookies, and s'mores pizza. Yes, I did, I thought about that, because that is not beyond what I have done in the past, pretending I was getting food for a party or something and then going home, eating it with the kids and then at 10pm eating most of the leftovers when the kids were in bed, and eating the rest for breakfast the next day. "Where's the pizza?" they'd ask after school the next day. Yeah. Where indeed.

I snapped back to reality, ordered what I came for (pizza) and left. We got home and I baked the kids' pizzas while I shredded and cooked cauliflower, measured low fat cheese and pizza sauce, and prepped mushrooms for the topping. The kids had their pizza, I had mine. But it was not without difficulty. When my daughter picked the cheese off one of her slices because it was "too cheesy" (WHAT??? Nothing can be too cheesy... that is like saying something is too chocolatey or too rich... something I never understood when people said it) I ate the cheese. Yes, I did. I ate the cheese she picked off her pizza. And that was the extent of my "off-ness" for today. Besides that, I was 100% on plan. But I am so, so aware right now how easy it would be to slip right back off and nose dive into a carb festival from that pizza place.

Yeah, I know some people think I should just never buy pizza again, for the kids or otherwise. But that's not how we're living. I do think pizza is fine once in awhile. Just not for *me* while I am in weight loss mode. And while I'd love to eliminate temptations completely, it's just not going to happen. Like everyone else, I have to deal with food that comes my way. Hopefully I will get back to that place where it is easy... almost effortless to resist that stuff. I miss that feeling, but I am hopeful it will come back over time as I stay on plan.

This morning, scale said: 181.

Discipline vs. Deprivation

With the new bare bones approach to weight loss I have adopted, I've begun to think a bit about the difference between discipline and deprivation. I mean, at what point does the restriction we place upon ourselves turn from something good into something bad? Let me explain.

Telling yourself you cannot eat a bag of potato chips even though you want them is an act of self discipline.
Telling yourself you can NEVER have ANYTHING salty, crunchy, or with empty calories *may* be deprivation, depending on how stressed out that makes you.

Setting a calorie goal of 1500 calories per day may be a positive act of self discipline, if that is a suitable level for your body and mind.
Setting a calorie goal of 500 calories per day is, most likely, negative deprivation.

Deprivation can be a form of self abuse, too.

Putting your preschooler on time out for 3 minutes is discipline.
Locking them in a closet is abuse.

Are you disciplining yourself, or abusing yourself? It's a lot to think about. We have to be strict but not cross the line. We might 'take away' some treat we really like for ourselves, and that might be a good thing. Or we might take away *too many* things and suffer from the deprivation.

When is it enough? When is it too much?

It's kind of the inverse of binge eating. Eating a ham sandwich might be fine. Eating five ham sandwiches is not fine. Enjoying one piece of chocolate may be okay. Eating 6 candy bars in 5 minutes is really not okay. But somewhere in between one and five ham sandwiches... between one piece of chocolate and six candy bars... there is a point or an area where it goes from being good/positive to being bad/negative. It is up to each of us to figure that point out.

Binge eating is a form of self-abuse. Crash dieting is a form of self-abuse, too. Both are ways to punish ourselves for some hard-to-define wrongs or badness we feel internally about ourselves, even if it is subconscious. Shoving a whole pizza down one's throat even when one is no longer enjoying it and is, in fact, getting sick from it, is abuse and a violation. Starving one's self such as occurs in anorexia is also abuse and a violation. We have to be careful not to unwittingly foster and continue that pattern of self-hatred, self-abuse, self-punishment in our weight loss efforts.

I have to be careful about this myself. I know when I used to eat and eat and eat until I was sick, I was hurting myself and it somehow felt justified. And now, when I am 'dieting,' I have to find that balance where I am not being *so strict* that I am depriving myself the simple, natural pleasures of food and the true nutritional *needs* of my body as well as my emotional needs. There is no reason to torture one's self with eating. Losing weight does not have to be a punishment. It is hard, yes. It takes discipline, yes. But it takes the kind of loving discipline one would give to a child. You don't beat a child or scream at them because they spilled their juice, or even because they willfully *dumped* their juice on the carpet. You love them. You teach them. And if they need a consequence for their actions, you dish that out lovingly: guide them to clean up the mess they made, and, if their attitude requires it, give them a time out with a hug afterwards. Do the same for yourself. Yes, you make mistakes, but you don't need to be berated or deprived of all pleasure just because you got fat. Be kind to yourself, and even allow some wiggle room while being strict with your eating. The two are not mutually exclusive.

For me, eating a plain chicken breast with salad every night would be deprivation.
Eating spaghetti squash with homemade tomato sauce and turkey meatballs WITHOUT garlic bread, Parmesan cheese, and real pasta is DISCIPLINE.
Both accomplish the same purpose... but one is far less painful for me.

That's all my thoughts for today... have to get going for now!

February 1, 2011: 185 Pounds

Hey, I lost a pound in January! Woohoo for me!

Well, okay. So it is not my ideal number for a month, but I deserved it. I am really just sort of excited that I managed not to regain all this weight and seem to be getting really good at maintaining, even if I am not as light as I want to be yet.

Crazy thing, I still go to type a "2" when I type out my weight number. I tried to write 285 here. I don't think I was ever 285 pounds... maybe I was. I remember seeing 282, or 283 on my chart at the doctor's office, though. In a lot of ways, I don't feel that different. But in other ways, I am an entirely different person, mentally *and* physically.

Today is "rehab day 2" and I am doing fine. It's gone like this:

7AM: coffee w/a packet of Splenda. I am working on drinking my coffee with no cream/creamer, at least sometimes. Then went out in the 22 degree weather to play with the pup in the yard for 20 minutes and work some of her energy off.

Breakfast was a MF hot cocoa with some coffee in it. I had a very busy morning running kids to and from dental appointments and back and forth to school at various times throughout the morning and afternoon, and once again sort of forgot to eat. I ended up having my mid-morning snack an hour late (MF chili nacho cheese puffs with 1/4 cup of light Mexican cheese melted on them; I deduct the cheese from my dinner protein). Then I walked the pup about a half mile or so, came in and had another cup of coffee (this time with sugar free creamer, 1 Tbsp) and a MF fruit & nut crunch bar.

I had gone way, way overboard with the coffee last month. I must have been drinking 6 cups a day! figure in all that half & half, Splenda, and creamer and I was adding a lot of calories, fat, & carbs to my day... not to mention all that caffeine! I have never ingested so much coffee in my life. I used to have maybe one cup on the weekends but made tea my main hot beverage. I am now cutting back to 2 cups of coffee per day... maybe 3... and am measuring all that goes into it. If I want more, I can have plain hot tea, no calories. I plan to wean myself back down and/or off coffee over time.

On the way to dance class (with the daughter and the pup) I drank a MF chocolate shake. Watched dance class for a bit, then went to get gas and groceries and then home where I had the great pleasure of seeing my pup covered in vomit after she got car sick for the first time. Nothing like cleaning chunks of puke out of fur, a harness, a crate, and a towel to pump up the appetite! By the time I got everything washed off and the pup out of the bath, I was exhausted. I crashed in a chair for about 15 minutes.

For dinner I made cauliflower bread sticks, a twist on the cauliflower pizza we all know and love. I will post the recipe and a picture next time I make them because they were so good and filling! The ingredients included Egg Beaters and low fat mozzarella for my protein, and cauliflower and marinara (tomato) dipping sauce for my veggie servings. After dinner I had a cup of my new white chocolate tea , which was very nice and has 0 calories.

Now it's after 10pm and I am super tired from a long day. I am having my MF brownie and heading to bed shortly. I hope to have a *little* more time to relax tomorrow, but that may just be a pipe dream. We'll see!