Rehab, day 1

If you read my last couple of posts on 'rehab' here and here, you know that today is the first day in an experiment I am doing for myself. I decided to really try and push myself outside my comfort zone with the eating, by saying absolutely NO to myself whenever I am trying to justify a little bit extra here, a little off-plan moment there, a comfort food here, a 'break' there. I don't need all that, and like I said before, I think I am using those things to bury some issues in the sand. I need to deal with stuff and quit trying to hide from it in a cookie bag.

So here I am, doing my thing. How's it going? Well, it's funny. I've gotten so used to being wishy washy and indulging my whims that I had a little battle first thing this morning!

I made my cup of coffee. I was deciding whether I wanted sugar free creamer, or half and half with Splenda in it. I wanted the latter, and then realized that might throw me over my limit on fats for the day later if I had something higher in fat for dinner. "Oh it won't matter," my brain said. "Dude!" my insight said. "It matters! Don't screw up five minutes into your day!" So I got out the sugar free creamer instead, sort of pouting a little bit, and as I was measuring it out I realized I had recently taken to putting in TWO tablespoons of creamer rather than the one that counts as a condiment. Sigh. Okay, one tablespoon! The coffee was fine, by the way. Just a slight tweak but it woke up my self-discipline (which has been rather dormant lately).

Breakfast was a MF (Medifast) hot cocoa with a little more plain coffee added. Usually I add some sugar free syrup to this too, but I saved myself the condiment and left it out.
Mid-morning snack was a MF dutch chocolate shake.
Lunch was MF chicken and wild rice soup, with chicken bouillon added (1 condiment). I sort of wanted to add some pepper and stuff, but I didn't.
By 2 I was HUNGRY again. I was sort of annoyed. Usually I just grab a little something extra, but hey, this is rehab. 100% plan adherence! So I stood in the kitchen and thought about what I *could* have. I decided to have 1/3 of my protein portion from dinner in the form of a low fat string cheese. I also made myself another cup of coffee, identical to the breakfast cup. At this point, I have used up all 3 of my condiments, which is the limit for the day.

Soon, I was off running errands and when I was driving to the vet I remembered that it was time for my mid-afternoon snack, and I hadn't eaten anything. Thankfully, I keep some MF crunch bars and puffs in my car, so I ate a peanut butter crunch bar on the way. When I got home I drank a big glass of water.

For dinner, I chopped up some cooked broccoli and raw green peppers (veggies totalling 1 1/2 cups) and sauteed it with 2/3 cup of Jimmy Dean turkey sausage crumbles (so good). Then I poured 2/3 cup of Egg Beaters over that and scrambled. It made a yummy, filling dinner.

But... an hour later I was feeling "hungry." Makes no sense, really. My stomach wasn't empty yet but I had grumblings and wanted to eat, so I made myself a cup of plain, Candy Cane Lane decaf green tea. By 8:30, I truly *was* hungry, so I drank some water and pushed myself to wait until 9 (not long from now) for my final meal, a MF brownie.

I made it. A good day. A long, hot, relaxing bath is in order which I am going to take at 10pm. And afterwards, I get to put on my puffy winter coat over my pink fleece pajamas, don my Crocs, and take the puppy out in the sub-freezing cold to pee, trying not to step in any puppy piles in the dark. Fun fun.

Only one insight today, but a good one. I was driving along ignoring the occasional thought of potato chips, when I realized that eating crap every once in awhile allows me to continue feeling like a fat chick on a diet. And *that* is the comfort zone, right there. For so many years that's who I've been. I am almost *comfortable* with the moaning in my head of "I am trying but I just caaaaaaaan't loooose weeeeeeeeeeeeight. It's soooo haaaaaaaaaard. I hate being faaaaaaaaaaaat." Yeah. That voice. It's been there for SO long, and I am SO used to struggling with food, eating, weighing, etc, that when I am not struggling it feels weird. Uncomfortable. Unfamiliar. Crazy huh? I still feel like a fat chick who can't lose weight, and that's what's easiest for me to do because it is familiar. So I've been creating that drama, that struggle *for myself* in order to feel like I am still myself.

I never truly saw that in myself before.

And now I am off to eat that brownie.

I Wonder What Would Happen If...

I wonder what would happen if we just *forced* ourselves to do what needs to be done to lose weight and get healthy. Well, I mean, obviously lots of us have *tried.* I have lost a lot of weight, and some of the time I was really pushing myself, but usually, I go within my comfort zone. If I am having a really rough time after a few weeks of losing, eh, maybe I will go off plan a bit. It's not always conscious, really... in fact, it usually feels like some unseen hand forcing me to eat crap. I feel *driven* and compelled and like *omg I cannot stop myself.* But what if I did stop myself? Always?

Sure, I stop myself a lot. I wouldn't be where I am today without a lot of work and struggle and effort. But what I mean is, sometimes I wonder about the whole being *forced* to do it right thing. Like rehab, as I blogged about last week. You take a druggie and lock them in a building with no drugs. You make them see a shrink and do group therapy and suffer through their withdrawals. They have lost their choice, in a way, as soon as they sign themselves in. Maybe Fat Camps are like that too. I dunno. Sometimes, I have wished I had someone with me 24/7 who would cook me the right foods in the right portions, feed me ONLY those things, make me exercise, and yank the crap foods out of my hands if I go near them. Wouldn't that kind of weight loss be easy?

Oh, I dunno. Maybe it would be harder, feeling out of control like that. When I look back over the past 3+ years of weight loss, I am pretty pleased with the work I've done. I've managed to avoid a lot of serious emotional pain as I've done this by doing it slowly and gently. I have certainly addressed a lot of issues... emotional, physical, spiritual, mental. You have to. It's part of the journey.

All the times I indulge myself do slow me down. The extra coffee, the extra fat serving, the bit more protein or extra condiments do add up. Those days I don't *quite* stay within the lines of my plan, well, they are like a kid on a grocery cart. You're just walkin' through the dairy aisle trying to get some yogurt but your five-year-old is hanging on the side of the cart as you push, making you veer to the side a bit, dragging her cute little sneakered foot ever so slightly along the floor as you go. She smiles, her eyes twinkle, but my gosh it is harder to push that cart and get to the darn yogurt with her hanging there like that! You still get it done, but more slowly. With a bit of (truly unnecessary) effort. All it takes it a little, "hey sweetie, I need you to walk over here beside me and help me pick out some bananas, okay?" And then your cart feels ever so much lighter and less difficult to push, and hey, it even goes in a straight line without too much effort.

I've done it my way, tweaking and stuff, not minding the slowness so much. I am pleased with the journey... until now. Now, I suddenly have the urge to get to the yogurt already. But even more, I am curious. What if I DID just force myself? What if I DO just make myself do it regardless of the level of discomfort? Would that be some kind of helpful breakthrough for me? Or would it backfire and end in a binge? I really do wonder, because honestly, I have this sort of 'discomfort threshold' I have been willing to go up to, but not exceed, to lose weight. I wonder what would happen if I pushed on past it? Hmmmm.

Experiment time. I am going to give this a try. I thought about doing it without saying anything, but that's just not how I blog. So here goes. Tomorrow... Monday... begins the Rehab experiment. I am going to attempt to *force myself* out of my comfort zone by sticking tenaciously to my scheduled eating, with NO extras, NO "oh I just feel like having this instead"s, no "outs" at all. I wonder... can I do that? I've done it before on this journey, but *only when I felt like it.* I think this will be interesting. I hope it will make me push through some issues I am sitting on. But if I screw up, maybe I will learn something anyway.

My intention, here, it to get outside my comfort zone and see how far I can push myself AND, maybe more importantly, to blog my feelings about it. I know in the past when I have gotten my focus OFF of food, a lot of other things bubbled to the surface for me to deal with. I think that's what needs to happen here, which is why I am continuing to use Medifast as my plan of choice. It helps me because it's like having someone decide *for me* what to eat, when to eat, and how much. All I have to do is grab a shake or a bar or whatever ever 2-3 hours, and the only real decision I have to make is what protein, veggies, and fat to have for dinner. I've done something similar in the past where I wrote out everything I was going to eat a day ahead of time and never varied from that plan. It takes the thinking out of the day's food choices.

Anyway, bottom line is, I think I am hiding some issues from myself with my eating behaviors, and this is my way of trying to root them out. Wish me luck!


*FTC-required disclosure: Medifast provided me with its products for my personal use for free. I am not paid or compensated in any other way for mentioning their products.*

An Interesting Weigh In

Oh, wow, this is really annoying.

I stepped on the scale this morning fully expecting a loss. I haven't been on the scale in 2 weeks because I've been sick, felt bloated, ate off plan the first week, etc. But I had a really good week this week. Still not 100% better with the sinus/cold thing, but since I was 178 two weeks ago I figured I'd be there or close today.

Not even.

185. On two different scales. Yeah. See, this is why the scale is fickle, and a bad indicator at a given *second* in time. What I've been eating should *not* have put me up 7 pounds. I have been fighting the urges to go get greasy crap food at Applebee's all week and did not give in. Too much salt? Maybe. Too much coffee with sugar free creamer? Definitely. Too much food overall? Nope. Not enough exercise? Oh for sure, I have barely moved except to play with the dog in the yard and drive to run errands... have not felt well at all and am very tired with the sinus infection. Sooo, I have to fall back on my experience. My weight *does* tend to fluctuate up and down 5-7 pounds, even over a 2-day period. I must have caught myself at the "up" point. Retaining fluids from sickness, inactivity, salt, monthly cycle. And why am I telling you this?

Because to succeed at weight loss long term, you have GOT to make peace with this kind of thing! You can NOT let the number on a scale rule your behavior! How many times do people feel all happy and great and skinny, step on the scale, see a "bad" number, and then feel all sad, depressed, like a failure... and then run off and eat crap all day because "it doesn't matter?" Listen, it matters. Every day matters.

Eh, I bet you it'll drop a few pounds within days if I get up and move, drink more water, and quit salting everything. Just a blip in time. My pants all still fit, so that's good.

Onward we go!

Change is Possible

I had an AWESOME experience with my daughter today at a fun family event. She did something that made me so happy!

A little background, in case you haven't read the whole blog: when my daughter was smaller, I used to often stop at McDonald's for meals and snacks. Yeah, McD's was my best friend for awhile. As a result, she ate a lot of Happy meals. It was our special time together: I'd go through the drive through and get our food and we'd go eat at the park and have a picnic. She loved those nuggets and fries! Well, about a year and a half ago I flat out swore off fast food. And oh man, she had a FIT. A fit I tell you. She was 3 years old and every day she asked for a Happy Meal. Every time we drove past those golden arches (which was almost daily) she would start kicking and screaming and crying for her nuggets. But I held out and after a week or two, she quit asking. One time, she was given a 'special' prize at her dance class... a coupon for free McNuggets (gee thanks). So I decided to let her have them. She ate them, and she got such bad diarrhea from it she proclaimed she would NEVER eat them again.

Anyway, that was a year ago. Since then we've often talked about the yuck factor of fast food and how unhealthy some things are. She knows we don't eat cookies or donuts for breakfast, that she needs protein at every meal, and that fruits and veggies are good for you. We still have our special picnics, but we pack our food from home: hummus, wheat crackers, cheese, fruit. It's even *more* special. She gets now that some foods are good to eat every day, while some are just okay to have once in awhile and others, never. Well, today at this event, guess who was there? Ronald McDonald! We were walking around, getting lots of freebies and doing activities, when all of a sudden this guy comes up to my daughter and goes to hand her a coupon for a FREE ice cream cone at McDonald's. She saw the picture of the ice cream, and the guy said, "Here, you can get a FREE ice cream cone!" Her hand reached out just a bit, and then she saw the golden arches on that coupon. She pulled her hand away and shook her head. "No thank you." And we walked away. She said to me, "We don't like McDonald's." I said, "You're right, we don't."

It totally made me smile! Two years ago I never would have believed that would come out of *either* of our mouths. But see? Change is possible!

Brief Update

Yesterday went really well. I was busy with the kids and the pup, but managed to stay on plan all the way through dinner (which was a lean turkey burger on Romaine leaves, a pickle spear, and some steamed broccoli). In the evening I was pacing around wanting to eat, just for the sake of eating. I really hate that feeling... Anyway, I had on hand, for good or bad, a few pieces of sugar free candy. I talked to myself a little bit, decided to have the sugar free candy and NO other off plan, bingey type foods. And I stuck with that. I was really hungry at 10 so I had a Medifast shake and then got ready for bed.

I am feeling better and happier the last couple of days. Hoping for a decent weigh in tomorrow! Now I am off to take my son to work, my puppy outside to play, and my daughter to a fun event.

Doing Better

Ahhh, finally. I had one really good, perfectly on plan day yesterday. I got through it. Now to do another one today.

My sinuses are NOT HAPPY. And that is making me tired. But I have GOT to get around to doing all the *stuff* on my list today. Sheets need washed, daughter needs a bath and so does the pup (and not together!), bills need paid and boys need attention. I also have TWO vehicles with windshield wiper problems, one of which my son drives so I need to get those replaced today. And I volunteer in school today, so it's gonna be busy.

Now about the food. If I can get it together sometime today before lunch, I might marinate some flat iron steak to have for dinner with steamed broccoli (and mashed taters for the kids). If not, well, maybe I will do some kind of crock pot thing instead. Hunk of meat & spices, you know. I can just carve off my portion, steam some veggies and make a salad. That and the 5 Medifast meals will get me through.

Which reminds me, for those of you who are also doing the Medifast program, there's a "2011 Happy Afters" Contest you can enter if you've reached your goal (or are very close) and want to submit your story for a chance to fly to Baltimore for a makeover and video/photo shoot. Kind of inspiring. Info is on the Medifast Facebook page for anyone interested.

Maybe it's my imagination, but it's starting to seem like spring is coming! The hardest months of the year for me are mid-November through about mid-February. I *love* spring, summer, and fall so I am very much looking forward to the return of more sunshine, longer days, and warmer seasons. It's been a struggle not to regain a bunch of weight over the past few months, but I got through it relatively unscathed. I am pretty sure the weight will once again start falling off me in spring. I hope to hit a new low within 2 weeks and then get to 110 pounds gone sometime in February. And how to do that? By making *today* a good day. That's all any of us can do, after all.

Tired

Yesterday was a perfectly, 100% on-plan day until I ate a bowl of potato chips, 2 slices of cheese, and 5 olives. Why? It was evening, after a delicious dinner of Romaine & cherry tomatoes, chicken breast, and blue cheese dressing. I wasn't hungry. But I ate that bowl of Kettle chips. Why?

Because I was PMSing and frustrated that my daughter *would not* stay in her bed. I've been sick, had the flu, am recovering from a sinus infection, have been busy with puppy training, and had a super long day where all I really wanted to do was go to bed. But instead, I was cleaning up puppy pee, trying to get my son to do his homework, cleaning the house because I knew I was watching a friend's child this morning, and making a list of what I needed to get done ASAP. I was looking forward to maybe a *little* down time watching The Biggest Loser, but my daughter "wasn't tired" and while she is usually pretty good about staying in bed once we have stories, songs, and tucking-in, last night was insane.

There was constant hollering from her bedroom. I tend to go to her when she calls because she doesn't call very often, but this time, it was every 3 minutes. Among the issues:

• She needed to tell me something (about her Zhu Zhu pets)
• Her music was too quiet
• Her feet were sticking out from the covers
• Her throat hurt
• She needed to be covered up again
• She wanted another stuffed animal
• She wanted to sleep in my bed
• Then she wanted to go back to her bed
• Her music was over
• It felt like there was sand in her bed
• She needed an extra blanket
• She wanted to tell me something (about school)
• She wanted to sleep with her lights on
• She was hungry
• She wanted to read some books
• She wasn't tired

Well, it was quite past her bedtime, and my knees were killing me from going back to see what she was hollering about. I told her not to holler for me anymore so she started coming out to the living room to talk to me. Eventually she did stay in bed, but it took 45 minutes and that is when I grabbed the chips. I was muttering to myself, tired, grumpy, irritable, and wanted to crunch through it.

The chips are gone now, no plans to buy them again as I am done with the indulging business (during which I did in fact buy junk because I wanted it). It's always something though, isn't it?

Now she is watching a movie with her friend, the puppy is asleep in the middle of a room strewn with dog toys, and I am sipping coffee and about to take some more Excedrin for this headache. It is cold and dreary out, and I am going to "indulge" myself by sitting here enjoying the peace for 2 hours when I take my daughter to Kindergarten. Might take the pup out to play a bit, but otherwise, I am doing NOTHING for those 2 hours.

Pee or Get Off the Pot

It's something I have seen over and over again in my 3.5 years of blogging: people say they are going to lose weight, but they don't. Or maybe they do, a little, and then stop, stall, or regain. Sometimes people blog for months, even years, about 'weight loss' but never see a significant loss... never reach their goals. What is it about people?

Well, I am one of them. At least, in some ways I am. In a lot of ways. I am just the same as everyone else who makes goals, has wants, and just never quite gets there. Back when I started blogging, I did lose weight. People started reading and cheering me on... for four months. Then I stalled for 2 months with no loss in the winter, but wow, after that, I blazed right down to my lowest weight in a decade: 214 pounds. I had a lot of confidence. I did a lot of work. People were flocking to me for inspiration as they watched me drop those 64 pounds and gain back my life. It felt *amazing.* I was a "weight loss success story" even though I was not done losing.

And then, if you've been reading for long, you may know or remember that I started to regain weight a bit and then spent the next TWENTY MONTHS going up and down the same 20-30 pounds between 220 and 245. Just look at the "Weight By Month" list on the left sidebar of this page. See it? Kind of discouraging there for awhile! Not much loss going on. Can you imagine going for almost two years working on weight loss and seeing no net results on the scale? That was a hard time for me. And it was also a time I lose long-time readers and got hostile and hurtful emails telling me I was "not an inspiration anymore" and that I was "not serious about losing weight." Well, those folks were wrong. I still was doing the work I needed to do to keep this weight off, and I was ever so serious about losing weight. When I finally picked up and started to lose again, I blazed off 59 pounds and got down to 175. Once again, I was a "weight loss success story." Some people suggested I was "done" and didn't even need to lose more weight. And then, you guessed it, another stall. I hit 175 almost three MONTHS ago, bounced back up a bit, and have been hanging out around 178 ever since. WHY? Am I done? Or what?

I am not done, and sometimes even I do get frustrated with myself for taking so long to get to my goal. I know I need to drop more weight for the health of my knees and other joints. And just as I knew all these 3.5 years, I know I am going to get there. But sometimes, like last night when I ate a shortbread cookie, I snark at myself, "will you just pee or get off the pot already???"

And I see that in the blogging world, too. The attitude seems to be that if you have a "weight loss" blog, you darn well better be losing weight and not "goofing off". Weight loss blogs come and go at an alarming rate. People blog and lose (or don't) and regain. People give up. And they... you... are NO DIFFERENT than I am, with one exception: I do not give up.

You do have to work hard at it, and you do have to be serious about it and make the hard choices and tell yourself NO. You do need to see some semblance of "weight loss" over time. If not, why are you on the pot? I don't mean 2 weeks, I don't mean 2 months. I mean, if you really do want this, you have to work at it and make it happen. And then if you stall out for awhile because, after all, dieting is stressful (even if you call it a "lifestyle change") and TAKES TIME. Yes it is fine if you can lose all your excess weight in 3 months and be done, but it is also fine if you take longer... as long as you are actually DOING IT. It can be in spurts or in a long stretch but if nothing AT ALL is happening it is time to reassess. Don't give up while you reassess, though. Keep trying, working at it. Don't beat your head against a wall, though, doing the same thing over and over if it isn't working. Try a million different, safe, sane approaches. Go at it from the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual sides until you find an "in" and the weight is coming off. Pep talking ones' self is nice, and can be helpful, but actual WEIGHT LOSS is the goal here. Even with stalls and hard spots, there should be some kind of reasonable progress over the course of a year, two years, don't you think? If there is no progress, maybe it is time to get off the pot and to a counselor.

I am no icon of weight loss, even though I have lost 100 pounds. What I am a symbol of is perseverance, tenacity, dedication to a goal. I am not done here, but I am not going to sit on the pot for another month just staring at the wall. Time for some action.

Rehab

I had another small enlightenment today as I was eating a steak sandwich and thinking about why food was, and in some ways still is, such a focus for me. I've covered every aspect of it in detail on my blog: how I used food to stuff down emotions, to distract me from distressing stuff, to give me pleasure when I was sad, to hurt myself when I was angry. But it all boils down to a compulsion to commit the behavior of EATING. And I don't mean eating for fuel. For the sake of this discussion, I am not including eating proper amounts and types of food to satisfy hunger and meet one's nutritional needs. I am only talking about disordered eating... eating  for the reasons other than hunger (or even reasonable, 'normal' type social/pleasure eating).

I am talking about binge eating, over-eating, secret eating. I am talking about eating in your car, eating so much you feel sick, eating things you don't even really want or like. Crazy, disordered eating, which is how I got fat in the first place. Oh, I got 'plump' from having a few too many servings of bread or pasta. I gained that first 40 pounds or so just by not paying a lot of attention to what I was stuffing in my mouth between caring for a bunch of little kids. But then it turned into something sinister... something ugly. It went from just a bit of careless overindulgence to an all-out obsession or compulsion to eat large amounts of food in short time periods. And that pretty much happened when I got divorced 14 years ago.

For a decade, I ate in a way that was really abnormal. You can read about it on my blog if you like; it's all in the archives. And I have worked very, very hard over the past 3.5 years to change those behaviors. I've succeeded, for the most part... especially with changing the actual *behaviors.* But sometimes, the disordered thoughts are still there. I still have a vague sense of wanting to eat large volumes of food, or hide somewhere and eat, or eat in the parking lot and hide all the wrappers before I get home. I still sometimes get the urge to eat when I am not hungry, just for the *experience* of eating. And that's what hit me tonight as I was eating that sandwich: that what I wanted was not the *sandwich*... it was the experience of eating the sandwich. THAT is why one Oreo is never enough. Neither is 5, or 10, or 20. I would always eat ALL of the Oreos... not because I wanted Oreos, or even because I liked how they felt in my body. Not even because I subconsciously wanted to be fat. I have sorted through all the possible reasons why I would eat and eat and not seem "able" to stop, and while some of them do have a touch of validity, the bottom line is that I wanted to be *in the experience* of eating an Oreo, and that could only happen *while* I was eating one. And one didn't last very long. So it wasn't that I wanted to eat the whole package of Oreos. That made me SICK and I was tired of them and feeling gross long before I got to the end. But I wanted the experience and I wanted it to last as long as possible. And for those of you who think eating more slowly is the ticket here, it sure wasn't for me. Part of the experience was ruined if I tried to *nibble* and slowly eat an Oreo. And the only way to get the experience I was looking for was to take the 20 minutes it took me to eat the whole package of them. And if my stomach was bigger I'd have eaten a second package, too.

I thought I was addicted to the sugar/fat/salt combination, or to sugar itself... and I do think there is a component of that in there. BUT, if you hooked me up to an IV and fed me a bag of potato chips or cookies straight into my blood *without* the eating experience, I would be immensely pissed off. I am not looking for the feeling of having that crap in my bloodstream... I am looking for the *sensory* experience... the mouthfeel, the texture, the flavors, the temperature, the creaminess or crunchiness. THAT is what I am addicted to, if anything. The experience itself.

And THAT is why Medifast worked *so well* for me. No, this isn't meant to be a Medifast plug, but I really learned something here. When I followed that plan strictly, it was like going to rehab for eating addiction. Seriously. It was like quitting *the experience* cold turkey. No more oohing and ahhing over textures and flavors. No more long, drawn out, intimate food experiences. Open a packet, eat it. Period. Small portions every 2-3 hours that tasted fine but not *fantastic.* The foods are NOT amazing. They are NOT addictive. They are NOT an *experience* that makes you want more, more, more. You eat it and you're done. It is simple nourishment. And the dinners you prep for yourself: simple. I mean, how can anyone binge on a chicken breast and broccoli? Really. Maybe some people do, but plain, simple, healthy food has never really triggered me into a binge.

So for months I did the plan. I ate the packets of stuff. I didn't "cheat." I lost a lot of weight and I reported that food had lost its hold on me and I could sit by a loaf of warm bread and not have it "bother" me. Food was like a rock to me. No more extreme draw or appeal. I no longer felt compelled to eat, unless I was hungry, and even then I stuck with small healthy portions and that was all I cared for. Losing weight was no longer a battle.

I thought I was *cured* of binge eating disorder. I lost 59 pounds on Medifast. But you know, I wasn't "cured." It's just that I was in rehab. Medifast is, in my opinion, like rehab. It took my experience away and made me feel normal for the first time in ages.

And then I started trying to doctor up the foods to make them tastier. That's allowed, to a certain extent. I started adding in more fats and condiments than permitted. I started making up my own snack items to have instead of the ones Medifast recommended. And you know what? Eating became an experience again. The packets became quite tasty, and I wanted more. The snacks were so good, I wanted them to last longer, so I had more than one. The dinners with my special added ingredients were sooo yummy that I couldn't stand for the eating to end. And I stopped losing weight. And I started screwing up, going off plan, eating sandwiches and chips once in awhile because, once again, I was addicted. Am addicted.

The benefit of Medifast, to me, is getting me out of my head, out of bad habits, nourishing my body without driving me to OVEReat. I've been pushing the envelope too much, with excuses of stress, illness, being too busy. I think I need rehab again. Thankfully, it is only one packet away.

And no, while I think Medifast is a great product, I do not believe it is *the only* way to achieve these results. Only you know what your triggers are. If you can eliminate them completely, and formulate a simple plan with correct nutrition for yourself, you can 'rehab' yourself without any outside products. Or maybe you can just count calories if your issues are not quite as deep as mine have been. But I am very thankful I have this simple option, because as of right now, it feels like a lifeline to normalcy for me.



*FTC-required disclosure: Medifast provided me with its products for my personal use for free. I am not paid or compensated in any other way for mentioning their products. Medifast states an "average weight loss of up to 2 to 5 pounds a week."*

Still Sick

I'm not stepping on the scale today, because I think it would do me more harm than good (i.e. put me in a bad frame of mind). I am still sick, recovering from some kind of flu/sinus infection combination and feeling rather rough. I'll do the weigh in next Sunday instead.

I am super tired and headachey. I've been eating more comforting Medifast meals: hot cocoa, chicken & wild rice soup (made with homemade chicken stock instead of water), cranberry mango drink (kind of tastes like juice to me). I also am allowing myself some fresh fruit, which is *not* on plan, but I feel like my body needs some extra nutrients right now. A few strawberries and a Clementine have improved my disposition. I'm also drinking tea and some coffee with sugar free creamer.

If I didn't have a Kindergartner and a puppy, I think I would sleep all day. That's how I feel right now. But instead, I spent the morning sitting in a chair in the (sunny but cold) yard watching them play together. That was nice. Keeping them entertained NOW is more difficult as I am soooo tired. I will do a bit of pup training and give my daughter some new glitter glue and stickers so she can do art. A movie is probably in her future as well, and the pup will be getting some kibble in a Treat Ball to keep her busy.

No school tomorrow, either, so no real rest in sight for me. Although a nice, long, hot bath this evening would be nice, after the little one is in bed and pup is napping in her crate. Hoping I get over this sickness soon!

Self Respect vs Deprivation

So, after that last post I got to thinking about the whole "last time" bit, the fear of "nevers" and how it relates to food. I thought about how last year I basically promised myself I would not eat any form of fried potatoes ever again. I failed miserably at that, because after several months of success I gave in and had some fried potato skins and chips. I thought about how back in 1996, my best friend and I went on a diet where we gave up chocolate in any form because it was so addictive to us. I lost 35 pounds or so that time, not eating a lick of chocolate or cocoa-flavored *anything* for months and feeling quite accomplished about it. I remember on my birthday, someone gave me a pound of M&M's in church as a gift and I took them into the bathroom, thought about eating them all right in the stall, but in a fit of sanity went out and gave them to my husband, telling him I *never* wanted to see them again. I gave up chocolate for months, and I was successful.

What was the breaking point where I turned to chocolate again? Well, it was this. I called up my best friend and she had gone off her diet and had eaten chocolate. I felt betrayed... devastated. We had a pact! We BOTH had lost about 35 pounds and were in this together! But once she ate that chocolate, I felt so alone. I remember when I decided to eat chocolate again shortly after that. I didn't feel happy about it and I didn't enjoy the taste. I ate it to "get back at her" or to make it "fair" or something like that. I ate chocolate because she backed out of our pact, and I was mad.

But the point is, I am capable of actually *not eating* specific things I like for months at a time. Check it out: for over 3 months when I started Medifast, I did not eat one single off-plan thing. No candy, sugar, crackers, rice, nothing. ONLY on plan food. And in fact, I am capable of not only calling it quits on a specific food long term, but of following through AND LIKING IT.

Think about Big Macs. I have written before how I was pretty much obsessed with McDonald's for years. Big Macs were the ultimate food for me... Big Macs, just like my mother used to eat all the time. And fries, and a Coke, back when you could get "supersized" and I was 278 pounds. There were some days I ate not one, but TWO Big Macs. Not both at once, of course, but maybe one for lunch and one for dinner. Or I'd go there for my 3pm snack and eat my Big Mac meal in the parking lot and then drive to the other McDonald's across town and get another one for dinner at 6. Happy Meals for the kids, of course. Or chicken sandwiches from the dollar menu. Yet almost a year and a half ago I SWORE to myself I would NEVER, NEVER, NEVER go to McDonald's again. And I have stuck to that. And I never even *want* to have it again. This is crazy! I used to love, adore, dream about Big Macs and fries, I kid you not, but you could not PAY ME to go eat one now. If you'd have told me that 2 years ago I'd have never believed it. I could not imagine life without Big Macs, and just thinking about giving them up gave me anxiety. How could I *live* without Big Macs????

But I lived. I endured a couple weeks of my daughter tantruming for chicken nuggets every time she saw golden arches. I survived smelling the fries every day when I drove home. I made it through a summer without a McCoffee iced beverage and do you know what? I do not miss it. I cannot imagine ever putting that filth into my body again.

And that gives me HOPE. Because as frantic as I sometimes feel about giving up sweets or chips or junk... as horrid as I imagine it to be to live without certain foods... I felt that way about McDonalds, and it is nothing short of a miracle to me that not only do I avoid Big Macs now, but the thought of them turns my stomach. Same for Taco Bell, Burger King, Wendy's... never again. NEVER. And not a problem. No emotional reaction whatsoever.

Maybe, just maybe, I will someday not want all the crap that is capable of ruining my life. If I can give up Big Macs, love of my prior life, I can probably give up just about anything.

The difference? Self respect. I had an epiphany in which I realized TRULY how I was disrespecting my body with fast food. Now I just need a similar breakthrough with brownies. Maybe I just had it.

The Food/Death Connection

Looks like I was tired because I have the flu or something. I've had chills and fever since last night, and a sore throat and maybe a sinus infection coming on. Ick. And my little girl stayed home from school today to go to the doctor instead because she was crying that her ears hurt.

Keep my flu brain in mind when you read this post. It may seem rambly, but it is the flat, straight truth.

The past few days I have been doing what I call "picking." Picking at this, picking at that... giving in to little urges like wanting a cookie or a sandwich or whatever. And you know what struck me every time I picked? Every time, I have the thought, "I may NEVER get to eat this again."

Yes, the theme of my "dieting" life. The past 25 times I have eaten Pizza Hut pan pizza I have thought it may be my last. Every single one of the last 30 cookies I have eaten I have wondered if I would ever "get" to have one again. Each time I gave in at the checkout stand and picked a candy bar to eat, I chose based on which candy bar I wanted to be my 'last.'

It is crazy. I have not ruled out any foods forever. Yet I have this sense that I DO need to make some foods off limits... probably those containing a lot of sugar... and that belief (which I do think is correct) pops up in my head whenever I start picking at food.

"Oh, I want to be on plan from now on so I need to have a cupcake with whipped frosting because I may NEVER be able to have one again."

And it's true, in my own head, because in reality I have NEVER been able to stop at one cupcake. One sugary junky indulgence almost always turns into a mini binge (at least). I KNOW what foods I can have that won't trigger me... like dark chocolate, fruits, yogurt, even pudding and pumpkin pie. But cake? Cookies? Candy? Problems.

And it is not so much that I think "I can NEVER have another cookie," but it's the insanity of "I can NEVER have another

double stuff Oreo
Nutter Butter
Girl Scout Thin Mint
homemade gingersnap
peanut butter thumbprint cookie
brownie with nuts
brownie with frosting
cupcake from THAT SPECIFIC Deli
Organic sugar cookie

etc, etc, on and on FOREVER because it is not the loss of COOKIES that bothers me as much as it is the loss of every specific KIND of cookie in the world! Even if I "allowed" myself 20 kinds of cookies, my brain would be obsessing about the one kind of cookie not on the allowed list.

Oh, I have tried to tell myself they are ALL allowed, but I know myself well enough now to know that I am kidding myself with that. There are THOUSANDS of specific kinds of cookies, ice creams, candies, pies, cobblers, and desserts that I want to have. And WOULD have... would be on some kind of pilgrimage to make my life about being sure I have tried EVERY SINGLE KIND of sweet on the planet before I die, and even then, I'd be upset that I could only have each thing once. It is insane, and I don't know what *place* in me this obsession comes from. But I have a desperate sense of not wanting anything to be *the last time*... of never wanting an experience to be over.

You could ask me right now, "What is the ONE dessert you want to have tomorrow, and then never have again?" I would be unable to choose. Because I could not enjoy it knowing it was the last time. It's so fleeting... the feelings and sensations of eating a food. It's there one minute and gone the next... where you had this beautiful trifle on a plate to gaze at, smell, taste and enjoy, within moments all you have is a memory. And that bothers me. A lot.

It's not even about food, really. It is, I think, about the deep seated anxiety of knowing time passes and every experience is fleeting and gone in an instant. In fact I think this even goes way back to my young childhood, which as I have explained was governed by a very strict religious upbringing complete with tales and drawings of people being "destroyed" by God for their evil ways. I thought I had evil ways as a child. As young as 8 or 9 I remember being terrified I'd be killed by God. And because this religion had no "afterlife" and stated that death is final (UNLESS you were one of the few who were faithful and, in my mind, perfect enough for a later resurrection)... a sleep without dreaming from which you never awake.

I was terrified to go to sleep as a child, too. I still have sleep issues, because at such a young age I associated sleep with death, and death with nonexistence... which is very frightening to a child. I am not so frightened now, but that kind of thing, it's the core of one's being. It stays with you. I was always painfully aware, even in elementary school, that time was passing and each moment might be the last. I remember sitting in the old green 1973 station wagon while my father drove us around. I'd see the stop sign up ahead and I'd think, "that stop sign is in the future, and we haven't passed it yet, but in a minute we will and this minute I am living in will be GONE"... and before I could complete the thought, we were past the stop sign, the present melted into the past, and the future just a blur that would soon be over. And as a kid, that bothered me.

Hey, I think I just solved the mystery.

Yes, I've often thought about convicted murderers being asked what they want their last meal to be, and how I would feel if I were on death row. I thought about how I couldn't... wouldn't choose a meal because it would be the last time and I couldn't stand it to be a last time.

Last year when I went back to the town where I grew up, I was excited to take my kids to the little ice cream shop that my father always took me to on special occasions. They made their own ice cream and toppings, and I have very fond memories of going there with my now-deceased parents when I was a child. Great memories. So I took my children there. And when we walked up to the door there was a sign that said, "Closed." We asked next door and in fact the place had just closed... for good. I almost had a breakdown. It COULD NOT BE that I would never get to have that special Pecan Turtle Sundae that I used to share with my father, ever again. It didn't matter that I could replicate it at home if I wanted to. I would never, ever again have THAT sundae. And it felt like a death or something.

So I go through that every *last time* I pick at a potato chip, a sandwich, a cheese ball. Is this the last? It cannot be.

But it HAS to be. There HAS to be a letting go, an ending to that obsession with food and time and death. It's all interlinked, interwoven. And this, I think, is the breakthrough I have needed all along.

It's not the end, not the simple solution. But finally I get it. I get where the food issues come from. And knowing that, I can face it and work through it.

Need More Time

I am so, so tired! It is a good tired, but I have never felt so strongly that there are not enough hours in a day. I get my daughter to bed, the boys get busy with their stuff, and it used to be that I'd have a little time to relax, watch TV maybe, clean the house a bit or whatever between 8 and 11. Those were my 3 sacred hours that belonged just to me! And now, they are sucked into a whirlwind of puppy energy, with a bit of training, several trips outside, and a lot of removal of little sharp teeth from various furniture and household items. I seriously do not get to sit down for more than 2 minutes at a time from 8 to 10. I thought my house was fairly puppy-proofed, but unless I want to remove all the books from the 5 bookshelves in my living room and hall, put all the dining room chairs and stools on the kitchen table, stick the trash can and broom outside, and put all the couch and chair cushions in a locked vault, there is really nothing puppy proofed about this area. And even then she likes to eat the coffee table, fireplace hearth stones, and the kitchen cabinet handles. She has even peeled the paint and paper surface off a patch of the drywall in the living room. And she does all this in the 10 seconds it takes me to get up and get over to her! Amazing! Nah, I'm not complaining. She is awesome and I love her so dearly. I wouldn't trade her sweet furry face for anything! And I love burying my nose in the baby soft black fur behind her ears when I carry her out to potty.

As I alluded to in my last post, I've been sort of grabbing things to eat that are not on plan. It's been tough this last week to do the required weighing and measuring of my proteins, veggies, fats and condiments and I did NOT feel like cooking much. I've been reaching for Medifast bars more often because they are so convenient (and yummy) rather than having to, say, get out a frying pan and mix up the batter to make a Medifast pancake. Right now I am soooo thankful for the easiness of Medifast foods because it saves me a lot of time. Faster than going to McDonald's (ew!) I'm getting some of Medifast's ready-to-drink shakes soon too, and that will make this even easier. Now I just need to figure out the dinner part. Well, actually, I *know* it would be simpler if I'd just prep my veggies and measure them into containers on the weekend for the whole week. I have never been motivated/organized enough to do that before but maybe now it's time. One can only eat Steamfresh Broccoli so many times a week.

Right now the pup is asleep at my feet. She crashes around 10 every night, and then and ONLY then can I sit down and breathe. That's why I am blogging! She is doing great through the night. I do wake her and take her out at 11 before I get in bed, and yesterday she slept right through til 6am. That was the first night without a 3am potty break! Let's hope it continues.

Actually I think I am coming down with a cold or something. I felt chilled and tired today, and right now I feel like I could just fall right asleep. Maybe that's what I need... to go to bed early (it's 10:10 now). Yeah, actually, I think I am going to bed now. As much as I relish this alone time when I have peace all to myself, my body is telling me to get to bed. So... good night!

What I've Been Doing

• eating 75% on plan, 25% off plan
• going to physical therapy, now down to once a week and expecting to be 'discharged'  in 2 weeks, to be seen in the future as needed (I am scared of being discharged!!)
• carrying a 16 pound puppy up and down a whole flight of stairs 20 times a day to go out and potty
• cleaning dog poo out of the yard
• trying to rake remnants of fall from the front yard, but failing because puppy wants to eat the rake
• washing tutus
• buying steaks for dinner but ending up freezing them because I am too tired to make dinner 3 nights in a row
• eating potato chips (ack!! and they made me feel sick. Now off the menu indefinitely).
• drinking a LOT of coffee (with sugar free creamer)
• waking up every 2 hours because I think the pup may need to go out to potty, but she usually doesn't
• taking puppy poo samples to the vet (fun)
• taking pup to school and dog-friendly stores (where she rides in the cart) to socialize
• watching my daughter dance 3x a week
• volunteering in the kindergarten
• taking my non-driving son to work, and worrying about my driving son when he takes himself to work
• taking kids for haircuts
• wondering if my daughter has an ear infection
• standing outside in the rain/cold in the dark with a pup who takes 20 minutes to pee because she has to examine every leaf and twig in the yard first
• trying to soothe a disgruntled cat
• letting my daughter sleep with me because she has tables, horses, and trophies piled on her bed from decorating for a tea party with our elderly dog
• teaching the pup to sit, down, leave it, and come (along with NOT BITING)
• getting back to 100% on plan eating immediately
• living life
• wishing I had more time in the day!

Wants and Goals

Sometimes, I look at my goals and wonder if they are really goals. I mean, if I claim to *want* something, but then never really get around to working hard enough to get that something, is it *really* a goal? Do I really want it? Or do I just think I *should* want it, so tell myself I do to try and convince myself to want it?

If I claim I have a goal, and I know the steps I need to take to get there but don't take those steps, is it a goal, or not?

If you say you want to go to bed, and your house is quiet and no one is bothering you, yet you sit on the couch watching TV or going online and don't take those simple steps down the hall to the bedroom, do you *really* want to go to bed?

Do you say "oh yes I DO want to go to bed, but this show is so interesting!" or "in fact I really want to go to bed but I get distracted with things online." Or maybe "I want to go to bed but am too tired to get off the couch."

I think you really don't want to go to bed, then. Maybe you know you SHOULD go to bed, or you *think* that is what you should want, but in reality you want to stay up and watch TV or be online or stay on the couch. But it is harder for some of us to admit that we don't want what we/our parents/our friends/society thinks we should want.

And this is something I am slowly coming to understand about myself and my "goals."

All this time, for years, I've had a "goal" of strength training regularly. If you've read this blog for long, you know I have gone through several stints of weeks or months of strength training, only to peter out and slip out of the habit each time. Every time, I kick myself because I *do* love the way I feel when I am strength training... I love the firmness of my arms and abs, the way I can lift and carry things effortlessly, the way I feel about my body. What I *hate* is standing in a room doing biceps curls over and over and over (and over), ***insert a dozen other exercises here*** over and over and over. I HATE it. HATE!!! Every time I have done it, no matter what the routine, with or without music, with or without a video, in a gym or at home, I hate it. I love the results, I know I SHOULD do it for my health, but I hate it.

I do not want to strength train for the sake of strength training. I just want to be strong.

You can expand this to many other things in life.

I want to eat vegetables all the time... only I don't. I'd rather eat cookies.
I want to have a totally neat, organized house... only, I don't. I'd rather let it go sometimes so I can relax, and worry less about organization.
I want to learn to play the piano... only, I don't. It's too much work and I have other stuff I need to do.

How about you? Do you want soft skin but can't bother putting on lotion every day? Do you want cavity-free teeth but keep "forgetting" to floss? Do you want to lose weight but keep eating cookies and hot dogs?

Oh, I've been there. And I think it isn't quite as simplistic as I am sounding. We can want two contradictory things, say, a cheesecake and a loss on the scale. We can have subconscious *stuff* driving us to something we don't think we really want on the surface. Sometimes we just want the results without the work.

But for me, I have really had to reexamine my 'goals' because it is kind of silly to keep trying to force myself into a mold I no longer fit or want. It doesn't make sense to tell myself over and over that I want something, only to keep heading in the opposite direction.

I don't have any huge revelations about myself, here. And it's *not* about my weight... I definitely do want to continue on that part of my journey if for nothing else but the quality of life I gain for every ten pounds less my knees have to carry. I am still a work in progress and still doing a lot of thinking and tweaking and learning to know myself and my desires. I mostly wrote this post as a way of making *us* think. Stop and think instead of being automated in what we claim as our goals. Maybe what we truly want is something we haven't even considered yet.

Processing

First of all, a weigh-in: today's scale reading is 178 pounds. That's a 2 pound loss from last Sunday. Good enough for me!

I have been SO busy with the new puppy. I keep meaning to blog, but between housebreaking, bonding, and working on not nipping, I have like 5 minutes between tasks. And then my daughter wants my attention (and my older dog does too). The boys are pretty busy with college, high school, work, etc, but my little girl of course still needs lots of mommy time, and she comes before anything else I might want to do, including blogging or even vacuuming! I do think now that we are settling into a puppy routine, things will be calmer this week and I will make time to blog AND do my physical therapy exercises, which have also suffered. That's something I didn't think of as a side effect of getting a puppy. I figured she'd help me be MORE active, and she does, but I am also a million times more distracted and super tired by bedtime. Have to do my PT today for sure... I don't want to lose the ground I've gained with my knees and hips.

I almost had a little breakdown on Friday evening. Well maybe I did have a little breakdown, but I also think I had a break *through.* After being 100% on plan all week, I was doing great, until someone close to me mentioned they were going out to a buffet for dinner. Now I dunno about you, but I occasionally get something stuck in my head that might sort of trigger me if I don't get a grip on it. All day long I thought about a buffet for dinner. I thought about how tired I am and how nice it would be not to have to fix dinner. I thought about on-plan buffet places, but then I also started thinking about fried food, crispy food, off plan food. I wanted it. Bad.

I took it one meal... one hour at a time, eating my planned meals, sticking with it. At one point I felt like I was about to implode from the thoughts of eating french fries or onion rings, but then a shipment of Medifast bars appeared on my doorstep. I carried the box inside. I opened it. It sat in my living room and I stared at it. It sat there telling me to stay calm and stick with the plan. So I hung in there and did.

On the way home from my daughter's dance class I was obsessing a bit again. I thought, "I will just go get a steak and veggies or something, not a buffet. Hey maybe I will just have a FEW of my daughter's fries or something." On the way out of the parking lot I was having that inner battle, but I turned and drove away from the burger place (not fast food, but still a burger place) and headed towards home. I was still "deciding" in my head whether to stop and go to a restaurant or go home, whether to stay on plan or eat a few onion rings, so I altered my route to go past a *possible* dinner stop. And then, I saw it. A truck stopped in the road, a car with its headlights shining on a man, lying face-down in the road, his fast food drink and bag flung across the pavement, people kneeling in the dark by him. He wasn't moving. Everything in me wanted to stop and help, but I knew I wouldn't be of any help at all and maybe create a hazard stopping in the road where so many were already pulling over with cell phones. I drove on, tears in my eyes and a prayer in my heart for him. It felt so wrong to not stop... I felt horrid and guilty and sick. Of course my food thoughts had stopped abruptly when I saw him, and my stomach turned when for a split second I wondered if my grown son had gone there for a meal before work, but then I realized those were not his shoes I saw on the man lying so still in the dark. I prayed for the family of this person, and I drove straight home, feeling quite shallow for having been so completely absorbed in onion rings while this person had perhaps breathed their last breath.

I admit I am an emotional person. Sensitive. I am better than I used to be, but things tend to hit me hard. This was no exception. Once home, I felt so upset I couldn't even think about what to eat, but my stomach was still growling and I knew if I didn't eat I would crash. Honestly, I didn't know how to handle the swelling of emotions I had from seeing that scene.

I sat with it. I waited. I felt horrid. I wondered about him. I thought about our blogging friend Margie who was hit by a car and killed in October. I waited an hour to see if the feelings would pass or mellow, and they did, some. I decided to make a salad. But once I got in the kitchen, I had something entirely different.

Instead of my steak and salad, and my final Medifast meal later, I had:

3 ounces of cheese
2 baby dill pickles
half a serving of mini pepperonis
a protein bar
half of a 100-calorie bag of microwave popcorn, with 1 T melted butter on it
4 Chips Ahoy cookies (my son's, which he got for work lunches, ugh)

Then I stopped.

The calories were not horrendous, but the carbs were high. The volume was okay. I do not like that I *used* food to deal with the residual emotions I had from the evening, but I honestly just didn't know what to do with the feelings. I felt them, I waited, I thought. I told myself to knock it off. Usually I try to take action to deal with feelings... to resolve the issue... but in this case there was no one to call to find out what happened, no way to know if they were alright, no one else who saw it to discuss it with. This is the first time I've had a feeling I couldn't process at all.

When I have a conflict or misunderstanding with someone, I can call them or write them a letter.
When I have thoughts in my head, I can write or blog.
When I am tired I can sleep.
When I am anxious I can exercise.
When I am sad I can cry.

But this? I didn't feel like crying. I did not want to write. It was just really bothering me that I didn't know if he was okay and I thought he probably wasn't. And it bothered me that I drove on by, even though I know that was the only thing to do in that circumstance. I didn't really know what to "do" with the feelings, if anything. I dunno, what would you have done?

Anyway, I think this is progress as I didn't "stuff down" my feelings but took some time trying to let it be. I ate off plan but not drastically. I am back on plan today, and I actually feel good again and positive and very happy about life.

I also got a compliment yesterday that I look "great" which was nice, because although I am only 3 pounds higher than my lowest weight in over a decade, sometimes those 3 pounds feel like 20 or 30 pounds and I imagine myself to be huge and sloppy and horrible looking when in fact I actually look pretty darn good.

And here's the pup, all sacked out from play :)

Enjoy your long weekend!

Ohhh, a 5-minute Break!

My goodness, seriously, I barely have five minutes to sit down and type all day! Pup is asleep under the coffee table right now, and this is the most "me time" I have had in days!! I am getting a great workout carrying the pup up and down a flight of stairs to go potty 20 times a day, walking and playing with her in the yard, and cleaning up the messes she makes. She likes to get a drink of water from the water bowl and then she just sort of casually picks up the metal bowl (with water in it) and prances away, tipping and spilling water from the kitchen to the end of the living room. I think we need a new water dish...

I am very busy but enjoying it a lot. I volunteered at my daughter's school today, took pup to the vet, and cleaned up the yard. I barely have time to THINK about eating. It took me 2 hours to get one Medifast Hot Cocoa down because I'd take a sip and have to jump up and deal with puppy and/or kid stuff every other minute. But you know, I just love it. She is a gorgeous dog and I am lucky to have her, and she is just EXCELLENT with other people and animals. I am quite happy!

Hope to have a little more time over this 3-day weekend to catch up with the blogging world. I hope you all are kicking butt with your health/weight loss goals!

Introducing...

...my new Personal Trainer:

She is a 9-week-old German Shepherd that I got as a reward for myself for losing 100 pounds. She's going to be my activity partner, and she also is very, *very* good at distracting me from bingeing or overeating. In fact, since I got her I have barely had time to *think* about food, much less obsess over it. I am back down to 178 pounds as of this morning.

I had been trying for years to find something... anything... that would get my head of of the food-obsessive mode. Diet is important (staying off sugar and refined carbs) but the mental part... the letting my brain turn to food, food, food all the time... that also involves putting thoughts of *something else* in its place. And there is nothing like a new puppy to get your mind off food and keep you so occupied and "outside of your own head" and into *life* that food obsession takes a backseat. Trust me on that one.

She is a wonderful little pup and I am blessed to have her in my life. This blog will now become the "German Shepherd Puppy Blog." Not really, but you might see a few more pictures sometime :)

Sweet dreams!

Mini Post!

Oh man, I am super DUPER busy, have not even had a second to sit down and blog! I got home safe, it snowed, I am about to take my daughter to school and then I head to physical therapy and then pick her up and go to dance class. And THEN, hopefully, at SOME point tonight, I will have a very cool post to share with you! Super excited :)

Hang tough guys! Your health is worth it!

On the Road...

I'm on a road trip right now with some of my kids, doing something important :) Will share when I get back home!

I've been eating Medifast puffs and bars and drinking from my water bottle all day. Dinner was at a restaurant (nothing fancy, not many choices) so I had a large salad topped with turkey breast, a hard boiled egg, and crumbled bacon. I had the blue cheese dressing on the side and dipped my fork into it every so often for taste. I probably used under 2 Tablespoons that way. I drank water.

I also discovered that while I do tend to want something sweet after dinner, a cup of hot tea or coffee hits the spot just fine. So I had a cup of nice hot coffee with Splenda and half & half for "dessert."

Got in rather late, so I have done no exercise at all. We had planned to swim, but the pool's heating element went out where we are staying and I am not up for 65 degree water. I didn't get to do my physical therapy exercises today either... been kinda busy. But I will get right back to that tomorrow.

I feel good, and I think I am turning a corner emotionally back to feeling better. I can see that new fresh life I crave straight ahead, full of activity and joy. I am going for it!

Back

Ahhh, back to blogging. I missed you :)

I do feel 80% better today. Some things got resolved and I got through those rough few days of sugar withdrawal. I stayed on plan, ate right, felt the feelings. I dug in my heels and said NO to the part of me that wanted to eat junk and use food to "make life better." Instead, I ate my Medifast meals and my home-cooked healthy dinners which actually forced me to take time to "make life better" the right way: by doing something about the problems. Instead of sitting with a bag of cookies and wondering what I could eat next and when I would get back on plan, *in the moment* I chose to eat a bowl of Medifast chicken soup, which then gave me a gap of 2.5 hours until my next planned meal ("time to think" I like to call it, because all that time I used to spend shopping, prepping, imagining, fighting binges, eating crap, and bemoaning my failure is now free and open for productive use). It's a strange feeling, to one who has obsessed about food for ages, to suddenly hear the crickets chirping in one's silent mind as the obsessive voices stop. Then you're forced to actually think about something else besides food and losing weight.

So I got a lot done in those couple of days, I made phone calls and *did things* that made me feel better... things that worked towards the resolution of the stresses, and things that bettered my circumstances. And then I felt better about myself. And I am pretty proud of that.

As for the weigh-in, I am pleased with that, too. The scale this morning says 180 pounds. That's a loss of 6 pounds this week. I worked for it. Soon I will be back to my old low of 175 and then on down the scale, so I can post "110 Pounds Gone" pictures. I love my progress pictures! It makes this journey even more real to me.

The other day I had a re-evaluation at physical therapy. I've been going for about a month now, usually twice a week but during Christmastime only once a week. I do the exercises at home as well 2-3 times a week. And you know what? My knees are SO much more stable! The PT actually moved my knee area around when he did the evaluation to see how solid and stable the muscles are holding the bones in the right place. On the first visit they were very loose and weak, and this week they were much more solid. He noted my increased strength ("much better") and cut my visits back to only once a week. I still need to do the routine at home (bike 5 minutes, then 10-15 reps of 1-2 sets of wall squats, calf raises, 4 different standing leg raises on a weight machine, hamstring curls, bridges, and a bunch of lying/sitting leg raises of various types, as well as standing on one foot on a trampoline for 30 seconds each leg.) Going to physical therapy was an *excellent* decision and I am getting wonderful, life-improving results after just 4 weeks! I thought I was beyond help, but apparently not. I am regaining control of my life.

Take back your power. You can't do everything, but you can do something. We can change our lives.


*FTC-required disclosure: Medifast provided me with its products for my personal use for free. Medifast states an "average weight loss of up to 2 to 5 pounds a week."*

Overwhelmed

I am so, so sad today about a lot of things. I feel like I have crashed emotionally as of last night and I got up this morning almost in tears. I dreamed that I was eating a bag of potato chips and then remembered that I was trying to lose weight and was trying to stuff the chips back into the bag, but it had a very small opening and the chips wouldn't go back in.

This overwhelmed, terribly sad feeling that is just right there on the surface is evidence to me of just how much I was stuffing down my stress and emotions with food over the past month or two. Oh I stayed on plan *some*, but I also had a lot of episodes of what I might call "mini" binges. I had a lot of times when I suddenly had "just a few cookies" or "maybe a little chocolate because I deserve a treat" or "a sub because it makes me feel better." Yeah, it did make me feel better, and the unresolved emotions got buried under the 11 pounds I regained. Now that it is coming back off, it's almost like the melting fat is exposing all these emotions that I didn't deal with when I was eating crap. Not only are those things bubbling up, but I also do have some legitimate new stressors that are causing me some distress, and I am dealing with those in a non-food way as well. And it is hard, and I don't exactly like it. But I am doing it, as unpleasant as it is, because if I do not, I will be back over 200 pounds in a flash.

I am feeling quite sensitive and fragile and I think I am going to hibernate for a couple of days. Maybe I will feel better and come back and post and stuff, but right now I think I just need to withdraw and spend some time figuring things out and, probably, crying. I'll update Sunday for sure with a weigh in.

Thank you for being here.

Sad Finding

I just found out through my blog friend DinahSoar that another blogger has passed away in a tragic accident. Sadly, this happened several months ago and while I'd noticed she had not updated her blog, I didn't find out until now that she was gone. Margie M, of My Healthy Living Thru Weight Control, was out for a morning walk with her beloved husband Bruce on October 16, 2010, when they were struck by a car and killed. Margie was a very kind person and encouraged me here on my blog since 2009. Her words remain as a testament to her loving spirit. I am so sorry she is gone.

Please take a moment today to go over to her blog and read her final words to us. She left us a bit of wisdom just two days before she passed. Honor her memory by taking something from her words to heart.

Margie, you will be missed.

I Paid A Price

Last night as I was working through my physical therapy exercises for almost 45 minutes, I had a lot of time to think. I don't listen to anything or watch TV when I am doing those; I use the time to concentrate on my body, its weaknesses and strengths, and how I feel about myself. Last night I was very tired but chose to do them anyway. I felt proud of myself and strong, and it added to my determination to have the best body I reasonably can. When I got to some of the exercises, my knees began to make those sickening noises they sometimes make. It is all I can do to work through that. It seriously had me in tears... not from pain, because there was none... but from that horrid sound and knowing that I have a problem that probably cannot be fixed completely. Ever. It really bothers me and upsets me emotionally to think that my eating and my weight destroyed part of my body so badly. I wonder if I would have had this bad arthritis anyway if I'd stayed slim, but I do think at least it would have been delayed by a decade or two. Whenever I hear that grinding, crunching knee noise it reminds me that I picked Big Macs over my health, and that I quite literally paid for those bowls of brownie batter with my own cartilage.

So I worked through it and stuck to the thought that I will just do my best NOW to maximise what I am capable of.

Today was simpler with the food... less thinking, more just following the routine. We had tacos for dinner: lean, grass fed local beef, beans, cheese and lettuce in Carb Balance tortillas for the kids, and a taco salad for me (5 oz beef, 2.5 cups of Romaine, 1/4 cup sliced yellow peppers, 1 T salsa, and 2 T light salsa Ranch dressing). Good and filling.

I still have some stressful garbage going on in my life that would, if I was not off the sugar, drive me to binge, but being low carb and having a *plan* works wonders for my ability to turn away from the binge. At least for now. I am very much hoping for a good weigh in on Sunday.

Tough Moments, and I Almost Lost It

Boy, I almost lost it today! I really had a moment there. Today is day 4 on plan, and it had a rough spot.

I got up, very slight headache, but had a child with a migraine staying home from school. After my usual tea, I made my 8am meal: banana French toast (made from Medifast banana shake powder) with sugar free syrup and a cup of peppermint coffee. That was filling, and I set about working on the first of six laundry loads I needed to get done. Had Medifast hot cocoa mid-morning, chicken noodle soup for lunch and a Smores bar for an afternoon snack. Did a few other things but noticed my daughter was acting a little "off," not sure why, maybe tired or something, but nothing concerning. However, after school she had a full breakdown complete with kicking, flailing, and screaming (which is rare for her, she is 5 and mostly past the tantrum stage) which went on for almost an hour and caused us to miss dance class and dinner prep. After the meltdown was over and we had a long talk about behavior and feelings (and the fact that one of her closest friends is moving away this week), I was *extremely* frazzled emotionally. I am a very patient mother, quite good at holding it together and remaining calm and dealing with things appropriately, but inside my nerves get seriously frazzled sometimes. In the long-ago past, I remember dashing to the kitchen to stuff my face with unhealthy food while one of my sons was in time out or screaming in his room when they were small. I would feel so desperate for calm... so helpless to stop their tantrums... that I'd go through an entire bag of chips or box of cookies in between dealing with their behavior. And this time, I still got that urge, specifically for something to CRUNCH. When it was over and all was back to normal, I seriously just wanted the satisfaction of CRUNCHING into some food... Kettle chips maybe, or toffee peanuts, that kind of thing. I was racking my brain for some kind of ON PLAN crunchy food I could eat, because I was feeling a bit desperate. I could almost feel the frayed ends of my nerves sending out sparks or something. I was wishing I had some cucumbers or celery to nosh on, or kale to make chips from, but I didn't. I tried distracting myself but I could feel the "I NEED FOOD" sensation building. I wish it wasn't like that, but it is, sometimes. So I compromised.

I made myself a little plate of crunch: half a dill pickle, a packet of Medifast soy crisps, and a bit of low fat cheese that I nuked on a plate until it was crispy. I also added to the plate one wedge of Laughing Cow Light chipotle cheese and about a half ounce of cheddar. By the time I got through with all that, I felt *much* better, calmer, and soothed... although exhausted.

Dinner was filling: an Egg Beater omelet stuffed with spinach, mushrooms, a bit of onion, and light Swiss. I also had a side of Morningstar Farms veggie sausage links and a cup of sugar free gingerbread coffee. Now that my little one has had her stories and songs and is in bed, I am relaxing, about to make a cup of herbal tea and do some reading online. I'll have a nice, warm, soothing Medifast chocolate pudding for dessert in about an hour, and get to bed early.

But wait! There is one thing I have left to do before I make that tea: physical therapy exercises. I have grown to love them and the feeling of pride, strength, and success that comes with completing the 30 to 45 minute routine every day. I may be tired, but that exercise is something that will soothe me and help me feel better as well.

Another good day for us all tomorrow!

Who I Am

This appears to be my 1,000th post! Wow, who knew it would ever come to this? When I started this blog, I figured it would just be a little place to post my diet stuff. I didn't even KNOW that people went around reading blogs of random strangers and I was kind of shocked when I started getting comments from people I didn't know. But it turned out to be fun, and I have learned so much from other bloggers.

Well, I am doing great on my eating and exercise, my mood is good and I feel really good. So for today, I thought I'd post something light and not particularly diet-related: a few random facts about me.

1. I love tea. I have two large kitchen drawers FULL of different kinds of tea. It makes me really happy to sit down and sip a cup, especially when I am cold!

2. I HATE the small of Play Doh on my hands. HATE. I have always had it around for my five kiddos, but when they ask me to get it out or shape something for them or play with them, when I am done I IMMEDIATELY go and wash my hands... sometimes twice. Once I got a bottle of some kind of lotion that was supposed to smell like brown sugar, but suddenly it hit me that it smelled like Play Doh instead. Had to get rid of it. (I also HATE the smell of peanut butter on my hands, and if I make a PB sandwich for a kid I am washing my hands immediately and thoroughly!)

3. I ate a dog bone once. When I was a kid, maybe 8 years old, my little friend and I went down the country lane to meet the new neighbor who'd just moved it. He was a 30-something guy with long scruffy hair, sitting on his porch smoking and drinking beer. We walked up and said, "Hi, do you have any kids?" He looked at us and said, "nope, I got a dog." He opened the door and let out his black lab. "This is Tail," he said. "Oh, are those bones for him?" we asked, pointing to a box of Large Milk Bones on the porch. "Nope," the guy said, "They're for me. The dog gets the beer and cigarettes." He poured the beer on the ground and threw the cigarette butt down, and sure enough Tail started lapping up the beer and eating the cigarette butt. Then the guy (who was drunk, I think) pulled out a couple of Milk Bones and handed them to us. "Here! Try some, they are really good!" and he took a big ol' bite of a bone. My friend and I looked at each other, shrugged, and started eating the Milk Bones. Bland, but not half bad.

4. I quit drinking when I was 17 because I didn't want to be an alcoholic like a lot of my family was. My parents gave me a case of wine coolers for my graduation present, and after having one, I poured the rest down the kitchen sink. I didn't touch another drop for 10+ years, and even now, the most I ever have is 1-2 drinks in a year. I don't really care for alcohol  unless it has a lot of sugar and cream in it to make it taste like a dessert :)

5. I would eat candy bars and chips for every meal if it didn't affect my health and weight.

6. When I was a little girl, I *loved* animals, even more than people. We had a big dog, I found a couple of stray cats we kept, and we got another cat from the shelter when mine was hit by a car. I had a couple of parakeets, a nice big fish tank with tropical fish in it, and a hamster. I also had a German Shepherd in my teens that I adored. I'd tell him all my secrets and hug him when I was sad. I was a very sensitive child. I was always drawn to animals. When I was married the first time, after a short honeymoon period I discovered that my husband was not so kind, tender and sensitive to animals. Some of the things I saw upset me terribly, scared me, and made me almost numb to the ability to truly love an animal again. It has taken me years, including lots of time volunteering at animal shelters, and a wonderful dog and two cats to reawaken that tenderness in me again, but I feel like the original, sensitive, animal-loving me has re-emerged. It's a rebirth of sorts, a healing.

7. I was an only child of an only child. I always wanted a little brother but never got one. I decided that when I grew up I'd have a LOT of kids, maybe even a dozen. However, when that fourth boy arrived in a five year span, I sort of went, "WOW, this is getting harder!" and then when I was divorced (and the baby was not even 2 yet when we separated) the dream of a huge family ended... but I did get the extra special blessing of my daughter from my second marriage! But yeah, I am done.

8. Some of my favorite things to do are go to concerts (older stuff like Bob Dylan, Paul Simon, Neil Young, Arlo Guthrie), watch my daughter dance, practice photography (haven't done this in awhile), write poetry, cook and bake, volunteer in my child's school, roller skate, or walk in a quiet park. My home has many book shelves and most of the books are reference books and non-fiction. I love to read scientific journals, nature guides, anatomy and health-related books, and anything by Thich Nhat Hanh. I also love to plant trees and watch them grow.

9. I *love* jewelry and have a ton of it (nothing expensive, just cute/cheap finds) but I almost never wear it. I feel really attractive when I do dress up and put on makeup and jewelry but I got out of the habit when I was morbidly obese. I have stopped wearing sweats but I am usually in jeans and t-shirts. I do not own a single dress that would fit me (I have a few too big that need to be donated). I would very much like to build a cute, sexy wardrobe when I get to goal, and even before then I am trying to wear my jewelry and a bit of makeup more often.

10. I like to go out in my backyard in the spring, summer, or fall, and sit on my porch swing and just BE in the quiet with the trees that I planted. Very peaceful.

That's it for now. One more fact about me... I am shrinking!

Better, and I Fit

Today was much, much easier and better than the past two days have been. In fact, today was better than any day in the past month. It's the third day in a row being completely on plan with my eating, and while the first two days had some torturous moments, today didn't. The food obsession is once again leaving my mind, the hunger is abating, and I am starting to feel clear-headed again.

When I got up I had a headache (still from the sugar withdrawal, I believe), had my tea, then had my first Medifast meal of the day (Hot Cocoa at 8am). Well, usually I am FINE for 2-3 hours between meals, but this morning I was quite hungry. I also was feeling sorry for myself and felt like eating, so I decided to make my 10am meal a half hour early AND make it a big one. I borrowed half my protein from dinner (one Morningstar Farms sausage and a half cup of Egg Beaters, scrambled) and made myself some Medifast pancakes and a nice big cup of French Press peppermint coffee with sugar free French Vanilla creamer. Boy, was that breakfast heavenly. It was very satisfying and got me through the toughest part of the day. My headache went away, I had energy, my mood lifted and I was *fine*... even better than fine... for the rest of the day.

I had a lot of errands to run, and it took me over five hours to do them. So I brought along a big water bottle and two Medifast meals. I had one in the car with water at noon, and then had the other after physical therapy at 3 with some coffee from the PT waiting room. Speaking of physical therapy, I LOVE IT. I cannot believe I waited so long to do this. I really thought it was hopeless and my knees were ruined and I'd never be able to do the things I want to do activity-wise, but I tell you what, I am getting stronger by the minute! My hips and knees and all the muscles around them... plus my core muscles... are all so much stronger today than they were when I started. I am SO proud of myself.

An aside... as I was working on the standing hip machine at PT, one of the other therapists commented on my good form. Then I turned around and for a moment was facing the wrong way on the machine, realized my mistake and turned around. I said to her "oops, I was facing the wrong way. But actually I could do all the exercises facing that way, couldn't I?" And she said... "Yes, you fit in there nicely. But imagine if you had a, shall we say, large backside. Some people who come are large and can't fit in the machine that way." I smiled, kept working out, and said, "That's nice to hear you say, that I fit! I've lost a hundred pounds, and it's a good feeling to fit!" Her jaw dropped, she gasped and said, "A hundred pounds? Oh my goodness, you look GREAT! I can't even imagine you that heavy. I don't know where it would all go! You really look great!" That little transaction with her totally made my day!!!

After a good solid workout I ran more errands and got home with my daughter around 5:20pm. I was pretty hungry, and made a big salad of Romaine and baby spinach with a can of tuna tossed in (mixed with a little lite mayo and mustard), light Sun Dried tomato dressing, and a few green olives. It was a nice filling dinner. And now I am sipping a cup of Candy Cane Lane green tea, waiting to put my daughter to bed and watch the Biggest Loser with my Medifast brownie :)

It was a very good day. After the initial hungry morning, the only time I thought about off-plan food was when I was driving down the street running errands. It was a fleeting thought, so random and unimpressive that I now can't even recall what food I thought about. I feel fine now. I have no desire to binge, eat, snack, or go off plan AT ALL. This is one cool benefit of low carb eating and *very mild* ketosis. (On Medifast I eat about 85g of carbs per day).

Tomorrow is going to be AWESOME! And I am sure there is a very nice weigh-in in my future!


*FTC-required disclosure: Medifast provided me with its products for my personal use for free. I am not paid or compensated in any other way for mentioning their products. Medifast states an "average weight loss of up to 2 to 5 pounds a week." You can use coupon code LYNESC50 for $50 off a $275 order of Medifast.*

Another Tough Day

Day two getting back on plan, and what a day it was. I got up with a sugar withdrawal headache, made myself some tea, and sat down to read an email telling me that my puppy is sick. I will have to wait an extra week before getting her while she is on a round of medicine. Nothing serious, just needs to be dealt with before I can have her. But I am *so ready* for my pup and it just set the mood for the day: sad.

I found myself struggling with emotions once again by mid-afternoon, after having my scheduled Medifast meals every 2-3 hours but dealing with several small, stressful incidents one right after the other. Add in the hormones of where I am in my cycle, and the lack of my favorite emotional crutch (food) and you get a lot of emotions overflowing. Funny how we get so used to stuffing our true feelings down with food, so we never have to really deal with the sharpness of certain feelings and the tenderness within. Without being able to eat my feelings, I was left feeling like a puddle of goo, ready to wilt into a heap and cry. In fact, I was on the verge of tears for a good part of the day, feeling them welling up in my eyes every so often but never letting them drop. Nothing major is going on, so I had to take a moment to assess. And what I found was this:

I am just having a hard time getting back to letting my feelings be.
I tend to want to eat cookies when I am *just beginning* to feel upset... no, in fact, I want to eat cookies *before* I get upset. Whenever something that *could be* troublesome arises, my instinct and past habit it to suddenly go "oh! Hey, how about a trip to the grocery store for some crackers and cheese?" and use food thoughts and overeating to distract myself from the stress. It works really well... about as well as doing crossword puzzles every time you think about changing the oil on your car, or laying sheets of construction paper over a rotting floorboard in your house. You don't have to think about it anymore, but that doesn't stop the crisis from building underneath the distraction.

So with no food to distract or soothe me, I was left feeling my feelings today and boy was it tough. I really, really wanted to just GO EAT already, go get some chips and a pack of hot dogs, because then I wouldn't have to think about the stuff that was upsetting me and wouldn't have to feel the disappointment and sadness because I would be too busy thinking about the food and the guilt and the weight gain and how I was going to get back on plan, and too busy feeling the food go down my throat and become part of me and eventually make me feel sick. But today, I just stayed with it, felt it, wanted to cry a lot, and decided to take care of ME.

I compromised. I told myself I could have *one slice* of 40-calorie bacon crumbled into my salad IF and ONLY IF I stayed 100% on plan in every other aspect of my eating. With the emotional state I was in, I just couldn't face a plate of chicken breast and broccoli, so I made something I love... a food I find comforting: spinach salad. My dinner was a huge bowl of baby spinach and sliced mushrooms, sliced hard boiled eggs, low fat blue cheese, and that slice of crumbled bacon. I made a simple apple cider vinegar dressing for it, and enjoyed that salad immensely. Then I took a warm bath, soothed myself a little, and came out to watch mindless TV and eat my Medifast brownie. Another day on plan. Success.

And now I am going to bed.

The Hardest Day

The hardest day in weight loss is the day after you had cookies, chips, and candy. The first day of "restriction," even if you don't call it that and instead refer to it as your "lifestyle change," is hard. No matter what you say about "no food being off limits" or eating what you want in reasonable portions, you just can't eat a pint of Haagen-Dazs ice cream and a bag of Lays chips as a snack and lose weight (not to mention get healthy). You...we... have to change *something* in order to change our bodies. And the first few days of change can be brutally hard.

You get up and begin with a bang, determined that "this will be the day." You have your healthy/smaller meals, you feel good about it, and then sometime in the afternoon you remember those cookies you wanted to eat or that burger and fries you wish you'd indulged in before starting your diet. You consider "going off" and eating the stuff you missed and still want. Or maybe some stray random piece of chocolate on the counter grabs your attention and you want to eat it. You remember that cupcake you had yesterday and start to mourn that you can't have it today, too. The mind games begin.

For some folks, the novelty of being on a diet and losing weight is enough to keep them going for days or weeks before they start feeling like it's hard. I've even seen some rare folks who *never* think it's hard, and just lose the weight and are done with it. Great! But me, I have a problem. I think I am addicted to certain types of foods, and I also think I am addicted to the actual process of eating... overeating, to be specific. More on that later.

But after I get going and stay off sugar and carby stuff for 3 or 4 days or a week, it gets easy for me. I don't have to battle myself every day, I feel great, and I do tend to drop the pounds when I stay on track. In case you're new to my blog, I started at 278 pounds and dropped 64 pounds through eating healthier foods, lots of vegetables and fruits, calorie counting, and a bit of walking and indoor biking (nothing strenuous). Then I stalled out for a long time, gaining and losing the same 20 pounds over and over while I dealt with the mental and emotional aspects of binge eating and using food for comfort. In March of last year, I began Medifast (the company is providing me its products for free in return for sharing my experience here) and lost 59 pounds. I started screwing around and having a hard time, especially when I got to 175 pounds and felt rather uncomfortable with being "so thin". Today I weigh 185 and am working to get back down and into a "normal" BMI range as I do Medifast and work with a physical therapist on my mobility issues (pain caused by severe degenerative arthritis and bone spurring in my knees).

I felt sick over the weekend and was doing a half Medifast, half crackers type of thing until in the evening I noticed the leftover birthday cake sitting on the counter. I made it from scratch; I hadn't so much as licked the beaters and I just watched as everyone else ate. But even with an upset stomach, something drove me to have a slice and a scoop of ice cream, *knowing* it would make me sicker. I just *had* to have it. And I did, and I felt worse. But yesterday I got up and said, "self, look. This is enough. What is going on with you?" And I got these answers, jumbled and random:

I am fine with this weight, who cares if I never lose more?
I am 100 pounds less and that is good enough.
Remember when you grabbed the leash of that big stray dog, and it ran and yanked you right off your feet? That never would have happened 100 pounds ago. It's scary to be lighter!
I am sick of NOT eating candy and cookies and chips, I like them.
Maybe it is worth it to eat crappy food if I can stay THIS weight... best of both worlds?

To which I answered,
Dude, that is so messed up. You need to be healthy and feel good and be a good example to your kids. Stop making excuses. Don't give yourself permission to drown in an addiction.

And off I went to eat my Medifast. I did great, but it was the hardest day. We went out to run errands and I took Medifast meals and a water bottle with me. By 3pm I was losing it. We went to WalMart and all the FOOD was bothering me, mocking me, taunting me. In the checkout aisle the candies were just ASKING me to buy them. "You can start again tomorrow!" They said. I could almost feel them melting in my mouth and oozing sugar into my bloodstream. But I held out and got outta there.

Driving past another grocery store my mind flashed to that extra-special ice cream they sell *only* in that store which is 30 minutes from my house. We rarely go past it but there it was. Should I run in and get a pint or two? Oh I wanted it. I drove on. On the way to pick up my son from work, I drove past my favorite cheese steak place. That was IT. I HAD to have one, HAD to. The whole way to pickup my kid I was thinking of cheese steak. The plan began to form: I would pick him up and then get a cheese steak and then go to that grocery store and get that ice cream, and how about some chips... and my mind went nuts thinking of ALL the foods I wanted to have before I started losing weight again, because after all it's better to binge BEFORE you get going on the diet than it is to waste time losing weight and then regain it all with a binge, right? I picked up my son. I was sooo dying for that cheese steak. I got to the intersection, a red light, and sat there. To the left was the cheese steak place and the ice cream. To the right was the way home. I sat there not sure which turn signal to put on. The cheese steak. No, home. No, EAT. No, don't. "It doesn't matter, ONE meal off plan will NOT matter, you can start tomorrow!" And reason answered, "But you don't want to feel like crap. You don't want to hurt and be sick. You feel better when you eat right." And the light turned green, and it pained me terribly to turn right as everything else in me pulled the other way, but I did it and went home.

I made myself a nice, on plan "cheese steak pile" with beef, peppers, mushrooms, and leeks sauteed in a nonstick pan with salt and pepper, and mixed in a wedge of Laughing Cow light cheese. It was very good and after I ate it, I was okay. I had my Medifast brownie later and went to bed, having completed One Good Day on plan... the hardest day.

It will get easier from here. I know I can do it. So can you.