Monday, December 19, 2011

Seeing Things Differently

I have noticed a bit of a shift in the way I look at my body in the mirror. Maybe it started with that trip to try on clothes and buy a dress and a pair of jeans. I saw myself then in a way I never really had before. And that has kind of stuck with me.

Now don't get me wrong. I am not about self-loathing. I do not find my body disgusting or repulsive. I still find it beautiful. I still thank my arms for holding my babies and than my legs for carrying me so far. I love myself. This is different.

When I look in the mirror now, the first thing I see is the bulges. I am sure that has everything to do with being about 20 pounds too large for my clothes, and I do try to cover it up a bit with sweaters and light jackets. But the bottom line is, there are a lot of fat rolls where there were none a year ago.

It's different now. It's not the same as it was coming down the scale from 278. Before, even when I was morbidly obese, I "saw" mirrors but walked on by; I occasionally "saw" a reflection or a photograph but I didn't dwell and quickly looked away and thought about something else, like what kind of brownie I wanted from the bakery. I lived like that for ten years. When I was losing weight, I learned to look... really look... in the mirror. I saw. I scrutinized and admired the changes. I was pretty happy with most of them, until I got into the 170's and started seeing too much loose skin and hanging bits and wrinkles. And then I regained and *poof* those were suddenly all gone! A miracle! I fixed myself! I kid, but not really. I think that was part of it, subconsciously... part of the regain. But anyway, having been on the "other side" of obesity, having lost the fat rolls and bulges at least from obvious view for a time, it is very, *very* disconcerting to see them now. I guess as I regained, they grew and were there but I ignored them. I didn't see them until I was trying on clothes in that ridiculous little booth. And now they are all I see.

Every day when I get dressed, I mutter to myself. I look in the mirror, feel my eyes get big and my mouth open in disbelief a little, and whirl around muttering and trying to find a) something to cover it up or b) something else to wear. It is kind of distressing. And I feel quite self conscious for a few minutes, thinking about other people seeing my rolls, but then I walk away and tell myself to get over it, do something about it, and cherish what I've got: a decent, working, capable body. And I go about my day and don't think of it again until I am in the same bathroom at night changing into my too-tight pajamas, looking in the mirror, my eyes getting big and my mouth dropping open as I see the rolls and whirl around to a) find some other pajamas to wear or b) grab a bathrobe.

I am doing something about it, that's all I can do. But it is hard now, after having been thin (at least in my own mind) to be obese again and see it with my very own eyes.

10 comments:

Diandra said...

At least you are facing reality. That is a very important first step on the way to fixing stuff.

MizFit said...

sometimes it is so so hard to remember to be thankful for the working able body.

I GET THAT.

and this.

xo

pglm said...

omg....I am experiencing the same thing around 170 as you.....I am tone...look thin but when I look in mirror..the loose skin from years of abuse I've given my body...just hangs...
thanks for sharing today...it opened my eyes to why my loss is at a standstill....keep plugging..you will get there.

LHA said...

It is important that you realize you are doing all you can do about your situation each day. Good for you! Eating carefully and not dwelling on the negative are the tools you have to get through this, and you will! I used to have a little mantra I would recite to myself when I got panicky about regaining or not losing fast enough: "You have done everything you can do today to fix this situation." Then I would try to get interested in a book or tv show or call a friend.....or anything nonfood related. It helped me a lot!

Good luck, Lyn! You are on the right track. Thanks for posting.

Lori said...

It is good to have a healthy sense of your body. I struggle with that. It is hard for me to get an accurate picture. I think I'm too fat or smaller than reality.

It seems like you are getting the true image of yourself, which is good. It is even better than you don't use that to beat yourself up. You are using it as a tool to get to a better reality. Good for you. You've been through a lot and deserve a good time of weight loss and strenght gain.
Lori

SG said...

the regain is so hard. but it will be gone soon. hang in there.

Anonymous said...

why oh why cant i find the motivation to start my weight loss???

theresa said...

I could have written this post myself Lyn. It is a circle. Feel bad. Eat look worse, feel worse, eat more....... let's snap that circle and make it a line moving forward. :)

A journey to LIFE said...

Great post Lyn, it is like you been inside my brain and read my thoughts, I am so afraid of loose and excessive skin and flabby arms, sometimes i just say to my self don't lose weight you look good fat and would look very bad because you will lose weight and good skin and gain some wrinkles!!1

OH...i hope i can find peace with my body one day...

Jane said...

I totally know what you mean ... kinda doing the same thing myself.