I have noticed a bit of a shift in the way I look at my body in the mirror. Maybe it started with that trip to try on clothes and buy a dress and a pair of jeans. I saw myself then in a way I never really had before. And that has kind of stuck with me.
Now don't get me wrong. I am not about self-loathing. I do not find my body disgusting or repulsive. I still find it beautiful. I still thank my arms for holding my babies and than my legs for carrying me so far. I love myself. This is different.
When I look in the mirror now, the first thing I see is the bulges. I am sure that has everything to do with being about 20 pounds too large for my clothes, and I do try to cover it up a bit with sweaters and light jackets. But the bottom line is, there are a lot of fat rolls where there were none a year ago.
It's different now. It's not the same as it was coming down the scale from 278. Before, even when I was morbidly obese, I "saw" mirrors but walked on by; I occasionally "saw" a reflection or a photograph but I didn't dwell and quickly looked away and thought about something else, like what kind of brownie I wanted from the bakery. I lived like that for ten years. When I was losing weight, I learned to look... really look... in the mirror. I saw. I scrutinized and admired the changes. I was pretty happy with most of them, until I got into the 170's and started seeing too much loose skin and hanging bits and wrinkles. And then I regained and *poof* those were suddenly all gone! A miracle! I fixed myself! I kid, but not really. I think that was part of it, subconsciously... part of the regain. But anyway, having been on the "other side" of obesity, having lost the fat rolls and bulges at least from obvious view for a time, it is very, *very* disconcerting to see them now. I guess as I regained, they grew and were there but I ignored them. I didn't see them until I was trying on clothes in that ridiculous little booth. And now they are all I see.
Every day when I get dressed, I mutter to myself. I look in the mirror, feel my eyes get big and my mouth open in disbelief a little, and whirl around muttering and trying to find a) something to cover it up or b) something else to wear. It is kind of distressing. And I feel quite self conscious for a few minutes, thinking about other people seeing my rolls, but then I walk away and tell myself to get over it, do something about it, and cherish what I've got: a decent, working, capable body. And I go about my day and don't think of it again until I am in the same bathroom at night changing into my too-tight pajamas, looking in the mirror, my eyes getting big and my mouth dropping open as I see the rolls and whirl around to a) find some other pajamas to wear or b) grab a bathrobe.
I am doing something about it, that's all I can do. But it is hard now, after having been thin (at least in my own mind) to be obese again and see it with my very own eyes.
Monday Babble and Dhammapada
6 hours ago