Saturday, December 3, 2011

I Haven't Escaped

So many times this week I started to write a blog post. So many times I thought "this is more of a blaaaaaaahhhhhg post" and stopped! Really. Things have been stressing me out and I always find December to be a bit difficult emotionally. I've rehashed all that for the past four Christmases on my blog so I will not go over it all again, but this year a few extra things have brought me down. From the minor such as a toe infection that leaves me unable to walk far and a broken tooth that is sore with a temporary crown, to the major such as possibly not having all or even most of my kids with me for Christmas, to the truly devastating such as a friend losing a child, it all combines to put me in a somber mood.

The other day I was signing into my blogger account, typing escapefromobesity and suddenly I thought, "I haven't escaped." And that was a wave of sadness for me. I remember so vividly last year when I *did* finally escape from obesity. I got my BMI down to "overweight" for the first time in over a decade. I was so proud of myself. Escaping obesity was a big deal. It only took a few pounds of gain to put me right back in the "obese" category. And while it's a technicality, I am still fat. I regained too much. I don't fit in my pretty clothes anymore. I lack focus, I struggle, and it makes me sad. I have wondered if the people around me see it. I am sure they do. The compliments and gushing about how great I look have stopped. The questions about how I am doing it have ceased. No one says anything anymore. It makes me sad.

Regain is no fun. It happens. It's hard. I am trying. I work at it. I come up with a new approach or angle or something new I want to try, and yet things get in the way. I decided to exercise more and then I spend a couple of weeks hobbling around with a sore foot. I made a plan of healthy dinners to eat and then my molar broke off and I couldn't chew the foods I had planned. I make accommodations, I adjust. It's life. I just wish it was life out of the "obese" category.

But wishing will not make it so. Action does. I won't lie... I am not feeling motivated AT ALL right now. What I want to do it sit on the couch and sulk and have a pity party for one with all my favorite (soft) foods. What I am doing is adjusting the best I can and trying to get back under 200 by January 1.

22 comments:

Deb Willbefree said...

I was just looking at my BMI yesterday and thinking exactly what you wrote. I faced the reality that I had slipped back over thline with and equal mix of regret, shame and annoyance, I think.

I'm sorry about your grief and stress. Tough any time, but worse this time of year.

Prayers.

Deb

PaulaMP said...

Hey now, stop that! It's called life. This time of year is hard for many because the media forces the "Norman Rockwell" scenes at us, everybody is supposed to be one big happy family. I'm sure the weather isn't helping you. You have lost a tremendous amount of weight, even with the regain. I think most people go up and down, it's the rare person who goes down and never up again. Doing some exercise will make you feel better, you know that. Soon you'll have your crown. I have to say I never let temporary ones slow down my eating LOL. You'll be ok, hang in there, we are here to listen.

donner said...

this is a hard time of year for most everyone I know, for whatever reason. Do not feel alone, although you probably think you are. Maybe you can find time to get a manicure and do something NICE for yourself instead of having a pity party. I know its easier to sit around and feel bad about yourself, but you aren't a bad person. Don't give into that. Go and do something nice for yourself that will make you feel good about yourself.

that TOPS lady said...

Girl, you CAN DO IT. REach for it! Even when you feel unmotivated. Do it anyway! :) Go, go, go...I'm cheering for you!

Princess Dieter said...

I'm sorry this is such a time of struggle for you, when the holidays should be such a time of joy and reminiscing. Well, it can get better. The month is new. I pray healing over you--for the teeth, the toe, the heart and appetite. Everything.

Focus on just doing the small things you can. Exercise sitting down (online, lots of resources for chair exercises). Meditate. Breathe. Read empowering stuff. Let the sunlight fall on your face. Eat HEALTHFUL soft foods (make nourishing veggie soups and drink whey protein to get that in while the tooth heals). Get rest.

Do what you can...and January 1 will see you fitter...no matter the scale number... FITTER.

Be well, babe.

Lexi said...

I'm finding the holiday season to be difficult on me as well. Sometimes it's hard to be motivated and focus but you've done it before and you will again. I hope you're feeling better soon! It's always annoying when you make a plan and life jumps in the way. I bought Zumba for my Wii to try and up my activity level and then I got bronchitis and can barely breath. Go figure!

A journey to LIFE said...

well Lyn that is life, sometimes we did it and we are motivated and sometimes we didn't.

the only thing you should think of right now is: if i did it once, then i can do it million times, and i will do it.

I've started my journey one week ago, and you are my inspiration, your before and after photos what makes me get of bed every day and start training and walking.

so stop feeling that way, if any one can success and "re-success" that one would be you.

wish you all luck.

LHA said...

I have a lot of sympathy for you, Lyn! Like so many of the people who comment on your blog, I can see a lot of similarities between your struggles and mine. This time of year can be murder on our mood, our eating and our outlook on life in general. Any deficiencies or unfulfilled wishes we may have in our lives are magnified during the holidays. This is partly because we are all subject to unrealistic expectations of the "perfect" Christmas.....that very few of us ever mange to pull off!

My heart especially goes out to you concerning possibly not having most of your children with you at Christmas. That would be almost unbearable for me too. Unfortunately, difficult times do come to everyone and we just have to get through them! That is never easy. All of the commenters here have made excellent suggestions for keeping things under control. My only added one is to find some good friends to spend time with if you are lonely at Christmas, and pass the time in any other ways that can enjoy. I know you will find your way again and come out of this bleak period stronger than ever! Like all of us, it is just a one-day-at-a-time journey. You've been a real inspiration to so many people, and thanks for blogging honestly.

Anonymous said...

Lyn, I recently found your blog and I love it. It's hard not to get down when we lapse for a short time. Your pictures of progression are amazing. I agree with one of the previous comments that they help motivate me. It's hard when the trials of life get in the way, but we know they will come. Things will get better. You've come so far and are amazing! I've never seen you in real life, and even with some weight that you might have added, you still look great. Keep up the good work. You are inspiring.

oldzelda said...

Lyn....LYN! You can do this. You did it once you can do it again. You are an exceptional woman. You have come through so many things. There is nothing in your way right now except you. As Lincoln said, "People are about as happy as they make their minds up to be."
Create the reality you want and need.
I have no doubt in my mind that you will get back into your pretty clothes and be under 170 by summer.

Anonymous said...

No matter what, you have LOST 70-80 pounds. That's truly remarkable, and escaping from morbid obesity. No matter what! Be proud of that. Take an evening off from all your bad thoughts. Start the next day fresh, and make a plan. You can do it-- that's been proven!

Anonymous said...

You know, my impression of the word 'escape' is that it happens in an instant. I'm imagining a moment when the obesity prison guard gets distracted and then you take your chance and run for the hills, never to look back. I'm reminded of the television show 'prison break' and wonder: does this scenario imply that you will ever be an obesity fugitive, not completely free to sing with the hills (that) are alive? I certainly hope not!!!!

In my own weight loss journey, I guess I think of my obese lifestyle as a kind of unhealthy safety blanket - an excuse for all kinds of things. In working on my own issues, I guess I visualize it as a kind of 'releasing' of that safety blanket. With a message along the lines of 'thank you for what you have done for me, safety blanket, but your protection is no longer necessary, I am choosing to face the business of living my life on my own two feet moving forward, blanket-free." Or something.

Anyway, I guess it's interesting to think of our metaphors - what 'lifestyle change' means to each of us. I hope that one day we will all feel as though the 'obesity shadow' is not following us, or, at least, that its temptations have lost their luster or power over our choices.

Keep your center, Lyn. You know that you're working toward the best life you can, and you are doing your best to live strong, one day at a time. You know, the trajectory of your journey matters more than the little hills and valleys of the path. I wish you the best!

Lori said...

Oh Lyn, I am so sorry you're feeling that way. The holidays are so hard. Somehow there is this expectation that life must be perfect for those days. Sadly, life does not stop.

I have bounced between overweight and obese for two years. I thought once I saw the 160's I'd never go back to obese, but I did. It gets so frustrating.

But is it not futile. You've come a long way. There are just a few more steps to the finish line. You can make it.
Lori

timothy said...

we've all been there sweetie, it sucks and it's horrid and difficult but you can and will do it. sometimes pullin on those bootstraps seems like a never ending task but just force yourself to do what you need to. it'll get better and it'll get easier. until then lean on us, i know i have broad shoulders and big ears too! xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Diandra said...

Everybody needs a pity party every now and again - you don't have to have the junk food with it, just sit and allow yourself to feel a little bit sorry for yourself for an evening. And then, the next day, start over again. If you cannot walk much, try exercise for your upper body - lift weight or do counter-top push-ups. Experiment with new smoothies and soups if you still cannot eat solid foods. There are always healthy ways through the messes we find ourselves in. You have shown this over and over in the past.

Leslie said...

Hugs to you. I'm in a similar place regarding weight and struggling. Low carbing is helping, but it really takes the joy out of eating, which is a mindset that I know puts me right into the category of addict! I just don't get the "eat to live" mentality. All this - and I don't have near the stresses you're facing right now.

Hang in there girl - despite what the media crams down our throats, Christmas, and all these days leading up to it, are just days. The emotional content is heightened because of the hype. Just take time to feel the feelings, move as much as possible, and give yourself credit for being the best you can be TODAY.

Anonymous said...

Girlfriend, here is a ticket to leave this pity party! I was going to wait until the New Year's Resolution to go back OP @ Medifast but someone said WHY WAIT. You need to pull out those skinny pictures and those skinny jeans and put them in your darn kitchen! You have these awesome recipes all designed to help you be thin.....and what are you doing with them? Get with the program and be what you can be. (hug) B

Anonymous said...

What if the MF food is setting your metabolism up for this?

Lyn said...

I have this same issue every year Anonymous... sadness, weight gain, fatigue, struggle with eating... every December. Way before Medifast. I own it. Not sure I will ever completely "fix" it, but I am working at making it better, trying to focus on the good happy things about December and remembering to use my light box and get outside in the sun more. I do feel way, way better when I am eating low carb and when I get outside daily.

Karen said...

Ah, been there and done that with the kid thing at Christmas. Hole in the gut. Easier to feel the feelings ( the pain passes) than to eat and then have both the emotional pain of the no kids at Xmas, weight, and the physical pain of being overweight.

Let's see

emotional pain of feelings <emotional pain of weight due to emotional eating + the problem itself + physical pain of weight gain.

Sigh. Stick to your structured plan, check on a mild anti-depressant and this too shall pass! You can do this. You are worth it and this emotional pain and physical pain will pass, one way or another.

reaching for the addictive food will never = healing. Physical or emotional. I have to remind myself this every darn day.

Nanette said...

oh lady... I hope you see lower numbers soon... and feel better... and that the pretty clothes don't have to wait long.

Remember, though your body is bigger now and though you're experiencing aches and pains... this is your body. It lets you do so many things! It's part of you. Nourish it. Nourish your spirit. Use it to nourish those around you.

Chin up, we care about you.

gojenzy said...

Awww, you are escaping ... you're great and wonderful and very inpiring, will def be a daily of mine! x