I look up, and the week has just zoomed by! It is almost Thursday and I haven't blogged since Sunday. Wow.
I remember when I posted every single day... sometimes twice a day. I guess I was so focused on weight loss that it sort of consumed me. And now, I forget. I go for days and, while I do check my email and comments daily, in between I sort of just... live.
In a way I want it to be different. Part of me is *so* used to being diet-obsessed that I wish for that old familiar comfort... like a layer of soft, cozy fat around the middle. Wait... nix the fat. I do not miss it. Or maybe part of me does. I have wondered sometimes if the fat was a security blanket of some kind. I think it was. And so was the dieting. It shielded me from life... from reality. Instead of feeling the pain of a lost loved one, I could obsess over calories and fat grams. The anxiety of having sick children faded to oblivion beneath the graphs and charts and numbers on the scale. Instead of worrying about my relationships, I could worry about my eating habits. Using my brain power to come up with new recipes and calculate nutrition information meant I didn't have to use it to deal with finances or organization. And if I was working out some awesome new weight loss plan in my head, then I had a great excuse not to keep up with the housework! Hey, my health is more important than mopping, right? Weight-centric life is easier.
This is harder. And it is harder not only because I am dealing with all the real-life *stuff* instead of the (mostly detached world of) diet/weight *stuff*, but also because I STILL HAVE WEIGHT TO LOSE. I guess I think it would be easier to just live and forget about all the weight issues if I was thin already (even though maintenance is a lifelong effort). But right now, I almost feel like I am neglecting *weight loss* so I can focus on *living.* But aren't the two intertwined? I think so.
I am still floundering around trying to find that balance. December is the hardest month for me. It's really a bad time to try and focus on ANYTHING. I have joyful days. I have tough stuff going on emotionally. I see myself making a lot of progress in my personal life, but I wonder if it is at the expense of my weight loss. And if so, is it worth it?
Maybe someday I will figure out how to do both. I think I have to. I don't want to focus on one aspect of my life and neglect the other. I want to find a way to lose weight without "giving it my all." Because my "all" belongs in other places. Does that make sense?
Let me get through this month and end up under 200 pounds. Let me have the joy of the season and family while coping with some stress and loss. I finally am understanding the reason so many people gear up for change in January. While I've always said "don't wait," and I still believe that, I, too, see January as a fresh new start. I feel an energy coming in the new year after this dreary winter begins to move towards spring and daylight once again starts to increase rather than decrease. January is a month with no big events. January is a clean slate for everyone. And while I am slowly chipping away towards my goals in December, I think and hope that I can use that January energy to help me find that balance that includes "healthy" AND "living."
Friday Update and Reality Check
1 day ago