Wednesday, November 23, 2011

How I Feel

I need to rediscover some joy in my life.

As the last month has gone by, my 'joyfulness' level has gotten lower and lower. The things I used to enjoy and use as stress relief are no longer available to me; weather and sick kids have limited my ability to go do things I love. And even the simple pleasures, like watching my little girl dance in her classes, have been few and far between as she has been too sick to go or too tired to participate. I miss taking my dog to her classes, too, as many have been cancelled due to weather or I had to be home with a sick child.

I do have moments that are great; playing in the snow or (when the snow melted) raking leaves are things I love. But I find myself feeling trapped in the house and stressed and turning to my old friend Food for comfort. I am the caretaker of all; but who takes care of me? I find myself longing to be cared for, comforted by a human, told just once "don't worry about a thing, I will take care of everything for you today. What do you need?" I feel the SAD creeping in and know I am not regular enough with my light box. And then I feel guilty for feeling blah when I do have so many blessings in my life. I want to be cheery and grateful, especially in this season of thanksgiving, but even with the *knowledge* in my brain that I have a lot going for me, the *emotion* of feeling forlorn and sad is there. I am convinced that a lot of people feel this way, especially around the holidays, but are afraid to express it because they don't want to sound whiny or full of self pity. But it's not that. It's real emotions and one thing I have learned on this journey is to express my feelings. Let them out. Don't stuff them down. So there it is, this is how I feel.

I am going to be more diligent with the light box and taking my supplements and try to actively focus on things I *can* do with my kids, my dog, and just by myself to feel more joyful. I might try some new supplements, and if I am not feeling better in a couple of weeks I am going in for bloodwork to rule out any physical problem that could be making this harder for me.

Thank you for listening and for being there through all of my ups and downs. I feel better knowing that there are people out there who DO actually care about me and your good thoughts, kind words and prayers lift me up in the hard times.


Anonymous said...

You know there seems to be a lot of bloggers who are feeling like you do - I think it's a lot of the weather coming out in how we feel. ((( hugs )))
Hope you feel better soon & you're right - acknowledging how you feel goes a long way!

Belle said...

Ah...the vicious cycle, feeling sad and or depressed and then guilty for feeling that way. Not only do I think a lot of us feel this way, I'm convinced it affects more women than men. We are by nuture or nature caretakers. Please take care of yourself, you're the only "you" you have.

Anonymous said...

i have a tendency of feeling nearly the exact same way around this time.

Anonymous said...

Just wanted to send a little love and good wishes from a long time reader. Hoping that things start looking up soon, and please, don't add even more unhappiness by feeling guilty. If you feel down, you feel down! Your feelings are authentic and always, always fine.

LAF said...

I am grateful for your blog.

Anonymous said...

I just discovered your blog! I have to tell you, I am REALLY impressed. Good for you girl, good for you! I also fight sadness and depression, and its great to hear other moms discuss this, 'cause it makes me feel more normal. Good luck, and there are ladies out there who thank YOU for sharing. I thank you! oh,, i also like you wood floors. :)

Anonymous said...

PS I started using my light box quite early this year - Labour Day. Last year I found I was too late and it took me a while to catch up but this year (so far) has been much better. I agree that I sometimes feel that no one looks after me, and I remember my mom saying the same thing when I was younger and living at home. It's not right, however I do believe it ends up being that way often.
Get the light box out right away! It usually takes me a few days of using it regularly before I feel a difference and feeling the difference keeps me going with it.

Diana said...

I totally understand...I really kind of hate this time of year. I know that's not popular. I should be grateful for "my many blessings" (whatever the hell they're suppose to be) and blah blah blah and humbug.

I understand wanting to be taken care of...boy do I ever! After two months with my sister & her crazy family, and now going back there next week, my heart is screaming "What about me!? Who's taking care of ME?!". My husband and my cat both think they've been neglected so they want to be taken care when I'm home.

Sometimes I just want to curl in a ball and and have it all go away. Too bad I don't have time for that right now. :)

Use the light box! Our weather is hideous right now, dark, rainy, depressing. It takes a will of steel to not succumb to depression in Nov/Dec in the Northwest.

Hang in there Lyn. You'll get through this. You always do. :)

Anonymous said...

No advice - just a virtual hug.

When your daughter is well and in school, what kinds of things do you enjoy doing other than the dog training? Maybe let's help you get a list together that you can go to when you feel the SAD coming on.



Karen said...

Take care. Hang in there. Maybe a mild antidepressant would help during the winter? Safe travels and Happy Thanksgiving.

Anonymous said...

I live in AZ and though it's beautiful now, I find it interesting that I get SAD in our summer months. Nothing to do with light of course, since the sun NEVER goes away :) but just not being able to get outside and being cooped up is the problem for me. Continue to play outside when you can!

crazyreadergirl said...

Your story has been so inspirational to me. I hope you know how many people you inspire to keep going and wish that that may give you peace and comfort when you are feeling down.

I too suffer from seasonal affective disorder and I know how debilitating it can be. My own personal salvation has been exercise. It is horribly difficult to find the energy and motivation to work out during the winter, but I force myself because I remember how much better it makes me feel. It has been so critical to getting me through rough dreary months.

I sincerely hope that you find something that works to decrease your blues. Food works too, as you probably understand, but the crash that comes post-binge is so much worse than the initial low that I know it's not worth it in the end (although that sometimes doesn't stop me).

Hang in there and please keep sharing. As much as it helps you, it helps us more!

Lyn said...

Thanks guys. I was able to get outside to the dog park for an hour today and feel better. I like being outdoors and talking to other people who love dogs.

As far as what I like to do that makes me happy, I would love to finish some family photo albums, scan some old pictures and get them printed and frame them, do some organizing around the house. Sounds simple but those things do bring me joy. I haven't been doing them, either, but it is probably time to MAKE time for that. I also love to cook, make up recipes, and of course WRITE.

And drink coffee. lol...

Anonymous said...

Hearing my dear sweet husband say those words to me: 'it will all work out. everything will be ok''s truly greater than any pill, food, vice, etc. :D So reassuring to me to hear him say that. I'll have him give you a call...seriously, hugs to you. Have enjoyed reading your similar journey so much. HUGS. Allyson

Anonymous said...

BIG HUG to you lyn!!!

LHA said...

Your feelings are felt by many this time of year, as the comments show. I sympathize with you, as it is really hard to be feeling blue when others seem to be so happily wrapped up in the holidays.

I know you weren't looking for suggestions, but I just wanted to pass on a couple of things from my own experience. First, I will never try to go through tough times without prescription antidepressants under any circumstances. Period. I know there may be others, perhaps including you, who do not approve of their use for various reasons, but they can literally save lives. There is a reason that you feel sad or blue, and many times it is brain chemistry, plain and simple. I remember you wrote in the past that you did not feel that seeing a therapist was right for you at this time, and I respect that. However, the combination of therapy and medication can help,and has helped in many, many cases. I'm sure you are aware of this, and I respect your feelings on the subject, whatever they may be. I just wanted to be a voice that speaks from experience.

Also, close friends are a lifeline for me. Especially when your family is small or fractured or far-flung, a close friend can make you feel that someone does care for you. We all need someone to lean on from time to time, and a real friend will be that person. I honestly owe my life to some of my friends, and I hope I have returned the favor to them in some way.

Wishing you the best and a speedy recovery from feeling down! Thanks for a thought provoking post, especially pertinent to this time of year.

Mrs. Chupchake said...

*tons of hugs*

I'm sorry you have had moments of sadness Lyn. Please know and remember that your openness is beneficical for all of us.

What wonderful comments; I cannot really express more than has what already been said.

Please give your little girl a hug tonight from all of us--let her know we care and that we are here for you both.

that TOPS lady said...


Diandra said...

Having to take care of everything on your own is tough. Do you have any close friends living nearby you could turn to? No one can shoulder everything all alone all the time.

Apart from that - try going outside as often as you can. Even in the rain. Even in the snow.

I wish you love and light.

Spaghetti Cat said...

(((hugs)) Your blog is one of the very few constants in my life! Hang in there sweetie.