Monday, October 17, 2011

Unstuck

Today was a good day. After a couple of weeks feeling down about my aunt's death (and thus, my own aging and mortality), I finally feel like the most part of the grieving is over. My days are picking up again in speed and intensity... not that I always like that sensation, but a lot gets done. I try to balance the urgent things and the important things with time to reflect and relax. It's a skill I have gotten quite good at over the past few years. I always used to be in a whirlwind before, unless I was at a dead standstill. I alternated between rushing, busy, frantic exhausted days and crash-and-burn, sit-home-and-binge days. I never felt quite right; my "days off" were just days wasting time, disconnecting, but not refreshing my spirit, and the hasty crazy days actually felt more like I was spinning my wheels in the mud. Yes, that's it... my life felt like I was sitting in a topless Jeep in a giant mud slick, alternating between gassing it so hard I was flinging mud all over myself, and just shutting off the ignition completely and sitting there staring at the mud and giving up.

I actually did get someplace by my efforts, though. I got five lovely children out of it, a couple of degrees, a reasonably nice home for myself, and eventually got to a place where I learned to be more even. Like now. Oh, I still have those wheel-spinning days as well as the kicked back days, but they are more moderate, and the overall picture and feel is less "muddy" and less extreme... sort of like my eating. My slow days still include more activity than my best day at 278 pounds, and my rushed days actually end with a sense of accomplishment. Like today: I hardly sat down all day. I was up early doing all the usual prep for getting kids to school, doing pet care, running errands. We had a leaky faucet that no non-professional friends have been able to fix, so I got a plumber in here to take care of it. I made appointments, get someone to come fix my cracked windshield, cleaned out the fridge and scrubbed the kitchen, checked my kids' grades and discussed them with them and helped with homework, took my daughter to dance class, made plans to chaperone a field trip, trained my dog, took my son for a haircut, made dinner, and did yardwork. None of it was a drudgery; that is one of the most amazing changes that came with weight loss. ONE errand used to exhaust me; I used to dread cleaning and pay my children to do extra chores that I was too tired to do. Everything used to be physically exhausting and emotionally overwhelming. I have more energy and stamina to do things now, but more than that, I believe in myself and know I am capable and don't sit in indecision nearly as much. I just jump in and do things that I used to put off for days or weeks or months behind bag after bag of potato chips.

Fall is my favorite season. Finally, the leaves are beginning to drop, and I am so excited to start raking! This weekend my kids and I spent an afternoon picking up the back yard, trimming plants, and cleaning out a shed. It was great fun and now when I look in my yard it makes me smile, because *we did that.* I can hardly believe that just four short years ago I was too tired to even venture into my yard, much less do yardwork or spend time outside enjoying it. Truly, this weight loss has been such a blessing to me. And I know I will feel even better as time goes on, my body heals, and I create a healthier lifestyle through taking good care of myself.

Tomorrow will be busy again, but I also really love stopping in the middle of the day, giving the dog a bone to occupy herself, and sitting down with a cup of freshly brewed coffee to read and think and just savor the peacefulness. I was never really content when I was bingeing. Never. I was always longing. But now, I have some very nice stretches of contentment. I'm sure there will always be hard days, but I don't feel stuck anymore. I am finally getting somewhere, and enjoying the journey along the way.

9 comments:

deezer said...

I have to say 'thank you!!' for posting such an up beat message after the last few that have been posted.

Dieting is hard, and self control, motivation are difficult, but when you see something that you have acomplished - whether its size 12 jeans, or jeans for the first time, or raking the grass - or leaving a bit of a meal behind on the plate, or those cherished compliments from friends and family its all worth it!!

So thanks Lynne - you cheered up my Tuesday, and I am glad this blog post was a bit more up beat!

PS - are we going to ever see pics of the puppy!!

Forty Pound Sack said...

Sounds like you're feeling better. Glad to hear ~

Maren said...

Your spirits seem to have lifted, I'm so very happy to see that! :)

Deb Willbefree said...

I love days like that, the feeling that underlies them--and the ability to feel contentment rather than franticness while having them.

Like a fresh breeze blowing through your soul. :)

Deb

timothy said...

glad you're lovin la vida loca! xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Karen said...

Lyn, way to go!!! I am cheering for you!!! Have another great day today!!! I love fall too!

Anonymous said...

Glad to see that things are improving so quickly - a few days seems to make all the difference. Enjoy the lovely fall season!

Jes

Anonymous said...

I have followed your blog for quite a while. It is motivational to me. I was wondering how you support yourself? Chris

Jennneil said...

I identify with this so much. My friend used to tell me that I went through life like a sprint runner - either rushing and doing and being -- or totally stopped.
All or nothing.
And I've eaten the same way. Either tried to diet or thought "screw it" and ate everything.
I'm really trying to learn something different now.
Thanks for posting this!
Jenn