Sunday, October 23, 2011

Not Sure Where I Am Going, But I'm Not Standing Still

I think I need a reality check.

I mean, I have gone several weeks without stepping on the scale. After my aunt passed away, I fell apart a bit and have been on and off ever since. I am constantly telling myself I am okay with my eating, I am healthy, my clothes still fit, I've kept off 80-90% of the weight I lost, blah blah blah. "I need a break from the scale" is fine... I did that when numbers started freaking me out around the 200 pound mark... but going for 3-4 weeks with no weigh in is probably a sign something isn't quite right.

I have to face it even though I am still trying to talk myself into one more week of winging it, staying off the scale, staying "mostly" on plan, "maintaining."

What I have had to face today:

My activity level has dropped. I no longer walk my child to school in the mornings due to the weather. That's one mile not walked. I also stopped walking the dog every day; that's another 1-2 miles not walked. I also ditched all the strength training and PT. I would say aside from my yard work activity, I have become sedentary, and that is not good.

I am really wishy washy about my eating. No measuring, no weighing, and no doubt I am eating too much of the right foods and the not-so-right ones. Too much chicken, too many eggs, too much coffee, too much diet soda, too much salt, too much fat. I try and justify it in my mind because it isn't THAT bad and at least I am not bingeing or eating McDonald's. I have become complacent about my eating, and that is not good either.

The past few weeks I have felt "frozen" in my ability to *do* things. Like, I know the (many) things I need to do (not just with my health but with other aspects of my life) and I am paralyzed to take a single step in any direction. I stand still, frozen, waiting... (for what?) This is making time fly by without much productivity on any front. Not how I want to live my life.

I want to be clear that I am not saying my life is not joyful. It is. I had some lovely times with my children this week, am very much enjoying training my dog and doing sports with her and building new relationships with other dog sport enthusiasts, doing some writing, and volunteering at my daughter's school. I am happy. But aside from that, I am *also* frozen. I am not sure how else to explain it. There is an underlying difficulty committing and making changes and making decisions about other things that I keep sweeping under the carpet over and over, and just lately, that includes my health (not just my weight).

Checking into reality now...

20 comments:

Jennifer McNeely said...

Everyone goes through this, it is just LIFE, not to trivialize it because its times like this that can be full of growth, pain AND joy. we're all doing that too. Its normal to be frozen in grief for weeks, months and even years. its normal and appropriate to take some time to find your footing when things are shaken up. the difference for addicts is that the addiction waits for moments like this. you just need to do what you do, that is, walk, strength train, etc. That is also what everyone else has to do to stay healthy, the addiction will say differently, but what a blessing to walk through THIS loss with awareness and not to let it win. Good luck to us all!

Karen said...

I find in the times where I don't walk, that I do become mildly down/depressed.

Like Jennifer said- walking through this loss with awareness and not to let it win- I love that.

We are worth it. Hoping you can find your way to some activity- even Mall walking to get you going again.

If not, maybe a very mild anti-depressant? You'll know the answer for you when you find it.

Safe and healthy travels.

Anonymous said...

Awww. I go through periods of paralysis as well. I think it's fear of some kind in my case. Hang in there!

Andra said...

I think I'm going to post this every time until you actually do it. Please read The Diet Cure and/or The Mood Cure by Julie Ross. Amino acids will change your life in an instant.

Deb Willbefree said...

Hey, Lyn.

I think that some who have not had a long haul with weight loss have difficulty getting the fact that one can feel fairly tragic about the "dieting" aspect of their life while, at the same time, feeling good about their life, in general. (Not that you said you were feeling tragic.)

The thing is, after more than a year on the Highway to Thin one does get the idea that weight loss cannot be your only focus, the sum total of your life; there is more to who you are. Once that reality dawns, you can compartmentalize a bit.

That's the good news...and the bad news. :} This post is proof of that, I think.

But all of it togetehr adds up to being who we are.

There's a song on my blog post today by Susan Boyle that talks about being who she was meant to be. (It's the second of three clips)

I think all of this working out is going to bring you to that place...to the place of being who you were always meant to be--if it hasn't already.

That is definitely the good news. :D

Deb

Lyn said...

Andra~

from what I understand (I admit I haven't read the book, but tried to get the gist of it online) that method involves eating a lot of protein, veggies, and healthy fat and then using amino acids as supplements. Is that correct? I don't know much about amino acid supplementation but am doing some reading on that. The reason I have not purchased the book is that from what I understand, you have to follow the program strictly to get results. I am honestly not sure I can follow anything extremely strict right now. I haven't written it off though.

-J.Darling said...

Something to maybe think about when you're brain goes "It's not THAT bad." Binging is an addiction - just an addiction to something more generally accepted than drugs or alcohol.

So with that in mind, would you say an alcoholic who fills drinks socially is no longer an alcoholic?

In this freeze, maybe ask yourself "Why am I choosing not to take care of myself?" Weight loss is really a head game. Maybe ask "What am I afraid of?" No answer is too small. Validate whatever it is so it doesn't keep you trapped in this "frozen" state. Moarning is normal. I'm dealing with that myself as my new husband just deployed - until next year, and we had just moved to a new state (knowing no one here) a few months ago. It's easy to stay frozen. It's hard to sit with the grief and move through it. I journal and that helps. (On his deployments, due to his work with nuclear missles, there is ZERO contact. So we have zero contact until 2012 now. It's HARD not to "be strong" and stuff those feelings with bad choices, but I remember how great I feel after a walk or a work out and I bundle up and make it happen.)

Moving can help with that. Even if the weather is crappy, do laps around a room or around the house. Where there is a will, there's a way. Just gotta wake up the will. ;)

Good luck!

-J.Darling said...

Oops! Typo! Here's what I was aiming to express:
"So with that in mind, would you say an alcoholic who STILL drinks socially is no longer an alcoholic? Or is he/she still requiring the artificial comfort of something to function? Food - even diet food - is the same way. Too much is the addiction. It's a struggle, but that's what conquering addiction is all about. To stay complacent or let it slip back in, is easy. Accountability for every decision, and using that information positively - THAT is hard.

Suzanne said...

I hear you. I don't judge you. I don't know that it's necessarily wrong to take a break. I'm not saying go totally off or justify eating anything and everything you want. But it's okay to step back and focus on the other joys of life. Maintaining is a good thing sometimes. It gives your body a chance to reset. I think when we plateau it's just our body trying to reset. But anyway, I don't know if it will work for you, but several months ago I committed to myself to step on the scale every single day for the rest of my life. Whether I'm in super-motivated-weight-loss mode or whether I'm taking a breather to just get my bearings. I know that stepping on the scale every day does not work for some people, and I totally respect that. But for me, it just keeps me aware. It's way too easy for me to justify certain foods, or certain amounts, if I'm not constantly aware. If I weigh myself once a week, all of my food behaviors that contributed to that weigh in are a bit fuzzy in my memory, and it's harder to put my finger on exactly how my body reacted to exactly which eating patterns. Most of the time, my weight doesn't surprise me. If I plan myself a lax day (Thanksgiving?) I know to expect a gain of a pound or two. But if the next day I'm super good and eat in a way that will help make up for that, the following weigh in should get me back to where I was the day before Thanksgiving. I dunno--I don't know if it makes sense. But even if you're still in a maintenance frame of mind, just stay aware of where you are on the scale so you don't get any nasty surprises later. For me, if I see the little gains start happening, it gives me a huge shot of motivation to reel it in.

Good luck. I'm with ya.

Anonymous said...

Have you read Fed Up by Wendy Oliver-Pyatt? If not, will you please read it? I think it might change how you look at 'dieting.' I honestly believe that the cure is not Medifast, or low carb, or weight watchers, but having a healthy relationship with food. If someone who is overweight has a healthy relationship with food, and does not 'diet,' i think they will lose the weight that they need to. Please read this, if you want to find an alternative to what you are doing, and judging by your posts lately, i think it's what you need.

http://www.amazon.com/Fed-Up-Breakthrough-Ten-Step-No-Diet/dp/0071438017/ref=cm_cr_pr_product_top

Jen

Lyn said...

Jen~

I haven't read it, but will look at the reviews on amazon etc. Thanks!

Dinahsoar said...

If you are taking a break from losing weight, i.e. just wanting to maintain for now, you'd better get on that scale fast and face the music. I know this from personal experience.

In loss mode weighing often-- like daily-- is not a good idea.

But in maintenance mode weighing often is very important, in fact it is a dire necessity. It is TOO EASY to regain, and not being vigilant will catch up FAST.

You can put off weighing yourself but that won't bring your aunt back.

I like what I read at Diethobby:

Quote:

My own viewpoint about working toward one’s ideal goal weight
is that since I'm going to have to intensely struggle with my body
to maintain my weight, in order to weigh less than 200 plus pounds,
I might as well do it from inside the weight range
that is normal for my 5'0" height.

Since the Struggle is Endless,
I choose to be Thin...a "normal" weight... instead of Fat, during my Struggle."

End Quote

(To read the whole post go here: http://www.diethobby.com/blog.php?ax=v&nid=64&topic=An_Endless_Struggle

You've worked hard to get where you are. It has not been easy. It won't ever be easy.

Let me say it again. It will NEVER be easy.

Short of a magic genie giving you 3 wishes your life relative to food will be uphill.

How do I know?...I've lived it. I kept thinking that somehow, someway I'd get to a place where I could just eat what I wanted and stay trim.

But it doesn't work that way.

Anonymous said...

You stated on your 10/20/2011 blog you just ate watermelon and plugged along. What about all the other non plan foods you ate?

Princess Dieter said...

I weight. Several times a week. Some weeks, every single day. Same time-ish (ie, after waking up and voiding what wants to be voided).

I've rarely, rarely seen a case of weight loss bloggers ditching the scale and it ending up well. Most of the time, it's fear, shame, denial,worry, whatever. A not positive thing.

I know some folks have issues with the scale and can become oddly compulsive, weighting multiple times a day, getting depressed, etc.

For me, it's a number, a progress report, a way to keep tabs on myself. Did I indulge in too much sodium? Am I making progress? Am I stalled? It's, to me, like checking blood pressure if one is hypertensive or blood glucose if one is diabetic. FEEDBACK to see how the condition is. For the obese/overweight, the scale is part of that feedback, as are tape measures, clothing (that isn't stretchy).

I figured your avoiding the scale was likely due to something...not great...even if it was just, "Not caring" or "Not wanting to know"...whatever.

Get on it. Get on it regularly. It's just feedback, not a judgment on you. I don't let the scale judge me. Just inform me. Then you KNOW and don't guess. Why guess when you can know? That's the tip-off to an issue.

Nitey..

Diandra said...

Is the weather that bad? Why don't you just grab a coat and an umbrella and continue to walk? I am pretty sure your area is still beautiful this time of the year.

Morgenmuffel said...

You know what it's like when you put off and put off an annoying little chore? In the end it becomes more time consuming and mentally draining to continue avoiding the chore, or it piles up and becomes much worse than when we could have dealt with it swiftly and fairly painlessly in the first place.

The act of getting on the scales and facing the result, whether it be better, worse or exactly what you expect them to say might just be the catalyst to get you back in the right mindset.

You have had a hard time lately, but it sounds like you're on the brink of moving on, so good luck and well done for keeping on blogging.

Lyn said...

Anonymous~

please reread what I wrote. In that post, I was talking about when I weighed "close to 300 pounds" and losing 110+ pounds seemed insurmountable. It was terrifying, and made me want to eat junk even more, but instead I focused on fresh fruits and veggies. You can go back in the archives and read it if you like. I ate a whole heck of a lot of watermelon those first couple of months. I was not claming that I have only eaten watermelon for four years and never anything else. And here's your friendly reminder: your posts WILL continue to be deleted if they are rude and accusatory like the six you left last night between 10 and 11:30p.m. If you have something hostile or accusatory to say, A) email me, B) don't hide behind "Anonymous", or C) think about why you are being so negative and try to turn it around.

Andra said...

Actually, if you start taking the amino acids, you will feel different almost immediately. There really is nothing "strict" about it, considering you already eat lots of veggies, good fats and protein.
The amino acids calm the anxiety, soothe emotional pain, kill cravings. If you can commit to taking the capsules 3x/day, you won't be sorry.

Suzanne said...

I'm fairly new to this whole weight loss blog reading thing. But it kind of grates on me to read comments that people leave that are accusatory, bossy, or just downright judgmental. It is my belief that while many, many people are on or have been on a weight loss journey, each person's journey is unique. Nobody knows your whole story--nobody knows all the feelings, or the roots of the struggles. Yes, we have some things in common. But you have to make your decisions. It was my understanding that these blogs are great for sharing a story and allowing others to support you along the way, not break you down if you aren't perfect. You fall down 9 times, you get up 10. And if you have times every once in a while where you choose to, even decide ahead of time to, eat whatever you darn well please, then that is your choice! It doesn't mean you fail or that you need somebody to get on here and start treating you like you don't know how to make your own decisions. Lots of people go on vacation and eat whatever they darn well please. I think that's okay, as long as you're also in the habit of doing that post-vacation correction. I don't know many people who never let themselves have anything. I believe that if somebody has a suggestion they think might help, it should be done with kindness, and with the disclaimor that it has worked for them, or others, and may be something to look into. Not "this is what you need to do and I'm going to keep saying it until you finally do it." Good grief. We don't all walk along the same path to goal weight--we each forge our own.

So you enjoy your cinnamon roll today, and you just keep going. If you start beating yourself up the journey will not be a positive one. I sure don't want anyone getting on my blog when I go to Hawaii in a month and jump all over me if I decide to have cake with my husband on his birthday. That would make me mad.

Anonymous said...

I agree with Suzanne (above). Sometimes I can't believe how rude / mean and extremely judgmental some of your "commenters" are.. even the ones who then go on to profess that they care so much about you, and want the best for you etc etc.

There is ALWAYS a nice, encouraging way to say something. Always.

Jen