Thursday, October 20, 2011

Motivation and Goals

Here I am, at 189(ish) pounds (having not been on a scale this month but still fitting into my jeans okay) and feeling good. That's the thing about losing a bunch of weight. Even though I haven't reached "goal" (whatever that is, as I have not set an exact number but do want to lose a bit more), I am, for the most part, happy with this body. There are things I can try to change, and things I will never change and need to accept. I have come a long way with being okay with the physical changes that come with weight shifts and aging; I have made peace with the extra skin I am bound to have, the stretch marks, the flabby parts and yes, even the arms. I still want to do any reasonable work I can joyfully do to improve those things according to how important they are to me, but I am actually getting more and more okay with where I already am.

It's hard to start a weight loss program when you are close to 300 pounds. It seems just so impossible to drop 110+ pounds. It makes you want to scream and cry and eat cupcakes. But I didn't. I ate watermelon, I plugged along, and here I am. And I always thought it would be ridiculously easy to lose 20 or 30 pounds, but it isn't. It's not, now, because it is not so critical and in-my-face as it was when I was nearly immobilized and hospitalized by my morbid obesity. Now, life is pretty normal. I mean, my weight doesn't much affect my day to day life. I can freely play with my children, take classes with my dog, roller skate with my daughter, walk or hike a couple of miles, and go up and down stairs at will. I can mop and vacuum and keep my house clean. I have enough energy to volunteer 1-2 mornings a week at my daughter's school, go on field trips with her, run errands, and get up and down from the floor to play. I can ride horses and bikes and get into small boats without fear of them tipping over. I fit in booths and on wobbly chairs and on amusement park rides. I can slide and swing at the park, wear "normal" (non plus sized) clothes, rake leaves and pull weeds. It all flows nicely together to make a pleasant life experience now, instead of being a vision of all the things I can't do because of my weight.

So the urgency is gone, and I go along not losing, not gaining. But I am not done.

I find myself putting off getting 'serious' about shedding another 20 or 30 pounds, because I don't see any *immediate* benefit to doing so. Frankly, I think I look pretty good most days. Sure, I would like to look even better/thinner, but it is just not a priority... the looks thing. The reason I am still at this is my health. And even that is no longer in the urgent category. It's more preventative now. And we all know how preventatives can easily get put off until later.

So yeah, I mull it over and think, "I really oughtta get this weight off and be done with it" (the weight loss part). I think I sort of lost my motivation when I got thin enough to just live and enjoy life and not be burdened by the fat anymore.

Well, really, it comes down to being a responsible adult and taking care of myself. I do know what I need to do, and I think I also need to adjust my "goal" in my mind a bit. I have been thinking I wanted to get back down to 145 pounds or so, which is what I weighed before I had kids. But you know, while that is an awesome fantasy, reality is that if I am this happy at 189(ish) pounds and look/feel as terrific as I did at 175 pounds, I'd be in heaven at 165 pounds. Really. It would do wonders for my knees and my body in general to get to that weight, which I have not seen in something like 15 or more years. So you know what? I am going to aim for that for now. Hey, 25 pounds is something I can do *if I decide I really want it and get off the see saw and focus.* I don't have to be a model. I just want to get to a better place.

What I think it will take:
more sleep
healthy foods
dealing with the two remaining Big Issues that eat at me

I am on it. I'll let you know how it's going!


Ex Yo-Yo Dieter Debbie said...

Some great points, Lyn.

I liked your description of how you can enjoy your life now in so many ways. And it's hard to push further...the motivation drops off.

I'm glad things are going better for you now, and that you're out of your rough spot.

Keep at it...even if it is maintenance. The main thing is that you feel happy!

Janel said...

You and I are such kindrid spirits. We started at nearly the same weight, we are the same height, have the same struggles (I have binge issues as well, lol) and now our goal is the same! I am currently 183 (heaviest was 282, lowest weight I got down to over the summer was 175) ...goal is 160-165.....we can do this!! My motivation is lacking as well, like you...I look relatively normal and my weight no longer restricts me. My issues started when I hit that dreaded plateau (been losing and regaining the same 5-8lbs for a few months now) and I just can't seem to get back in the groove:( I follow a low carb lifestyle as well as this is what makes me feel better. Hang in there will make it!!

Princess Dieter said...

I'm in the same place. Really happy, not as gung-ho motivated, feel good, look pretty darn good...and yet I'd like to lose more. Like you, I think, well, for the joints, for overall health, to see what it will fEEL like at 160, 165. It's 20 pounds, 15 pounds away...but I am pretty much in maintenance mode for a few months already, just a few pounds lost since June....

And yet...I still want to.:)

downsizers said...

My post today might interest you - it's about the last pounds are the hardest because they matter the least. It's easy to get complacent and talk ourselves out of finishing up what we started.

Karen said...

It's a great accomplishment to loose so much. Best wishes on the last 25 or so. So worth it, to be physically and emotionally better. Good stuff. Frees you up to do other things with life.

Anonymous said...

I'm just a total stranger who really wants to see you succeed. Since there's nothing I can *physically* do for you, I can do this: I will bring your Big Issues to prayer, in hopes that you will be healed and able to work past them.

Diandra said...

If you think you look pretty good (and I think you are right there), shift your focus from losing X number of pounds to living healthy and remaining active - that's a lifelong job. ^^

Steelers6 said...

Cheering you on gf.

I liked this post, bc it was useful to ME, but seemed soo like it was you putting your thoughts & goals out in front of you for you, which I think was a main goal of your blog.

And weird, I was with you (almost) at your lowest weight, and I also creeped back up a few lbs. Headed back down with you!


Maren said...

If you're in a happy place .. then you have all the time in the world to lose the last pounds. :)

Anonymous said...

Good health isn't something that will ever be "completed". Even at your goal weight you will be (like everyone else on the planet) challenged daily to make the right choices and decisions.

Erika said...

I agree with the poster who said you are never "done" being healthy. It's not so much the number on the scale, but are you putting good food in your body? Are you eating without guilt or shame? Are you challenging yourself with exercise, with trying new food, trying new experiences? These are my daily challenges, as well!

Best of luck to you, Lyn!

Anonymous said...

I've posted anonymously a few times before...also have similar feelings now. I stalled a bit (from 167 lbs the day I had knee surgery) to now (162 lbs), 6 weeks later. My weight loss journey started at 194 lbs back in May (31 yrs old, found out I had high blood pressure, PCOS, torn meniscus in my knee that needed surgery - basically all because I weighed too much). Now, I don't have high blood pressure, my knee is slowly recovering post arthroscopic surgery (I can walk up stairs again, finally, and ride a bike), and my menstrual cycle seems to be back on track. My current motivation to keep going (in spite of feelings similar to those you express in this post) is that my husband and I are thinking of starting a family in the next year or so, and I want to get down to a 'healthy weight' (for me, 140 lbs), so that, when I gain weight during pregnancy, I won't end up in majorly at-risk weights again at that time. Anyway, I guess what I've been learning is that you never know what might be coming your way, health-wise, and it probably won't hurt you to be at your strongest - the most healthy version of yourself that you can possibly be, ready to live life to its fullest and meet whatever challenges lie before you. I can't imagine how things would have gone with my surgery had I been 30 lbs heavier - I am so thankful I began working on this when I did! Anyway, thanks for your post - I guess complacency is human nature, especially with the cold weather approaching. I guess we have to have a strong trajectory, even if there are some mornings where all we want is to curl up in bed with a warm mug of of luck to us all!

Desert Singer said...

I just want you to know that you're at my goal weight. So you're where I'm aiming for. I've lost 96 lbs since January (using Medifast) - and found your blog in October -- my step-dad asked in Novmeber if I'd try MF if he paid for it (duh!).

I have 54 pounds to go before goal... and I feel like you -- after 96 lbs it should be easy... but I'm feeling so much better and all those other things you said... Just wanted you to know that we'll get there, and when we do, the timing will be perfect.

Thanks for putting it out there for us, Lyn! ♥

Sharilee said...

I tend to think that if you're happy where you are, just enjoy it. There's no rule book in the sky that says you have to lose a certain amount of weight. And like you described so well, you are able to live fully now. That's the main thing. If you want to lose a bit more down the road, then great, but it's so great that you are already where you need to be for now.

Suzanne said...

Hi! New reader here, I found your blog through Skinny Hollie's. I think you look great. I am with you. The last ones are the hardest, for sure. I started at 303 just over a year ago. Today I weighed in at 189. My goal is 130 (I'm 5'4"). At any rate, I am going to read some of your past posts. I think you've done great, and are doing great, and can do anything you set your mind to.

I lost all this weight before, and when I got down to 190 lots of life changes happened, I got lazy because I was finally feeling really good, and I didn't pay attention. So I ended up putting it all back on. This time around, I feel great again being at 189, but I am so much more aware of the handfulls of fat I can still grab on my thighs, and my stomach that is just flabbing out there. And I'm grateful to be so much more aware of that this time, because I really am compelled to just keep going.

At any rate, nice to "meet" you!