I think I am recovered from my head cold now. At least, mostly recovered. I am still tired! But the kids are better too (daughter missed one day of school and son missed two). Thankful for my better health!
I had a moment today where I was really self-conscious and maybe a tad upset about my body. I was sitting on a bench and happened to catch my reflection in a large window across from me. Now, I realize I am 12ish pounds heavier than I was in those "after" pictures up in the corner of my blog, but to ME, the person in the reflection looked far, far heavier. I try not to be critical of my body, and to think positive thoughts, but when I looked I was really sad and felt embarrassed and instinctively crossed my arms over my body to try and hide the flab. And that just made the arm fat pop out worse. Sigh.
I wonder if the losing/gaining/losing/gaining thing has redistributed my fat to my waist. I had my waist under control a year ago, and now it is causing me trouble when I sit. It sort of turns into a roll. I don't like that AT ALL. Seems to me that all 30 pounds I regained went directly to my waist and belly.
I find myself hoping that when the rest of the weight comes off, I will feel better about how I look. I usually focus on the health benefits and all that important stuff, but let's face it. Most of us want to look okay too. I remember last time I weighed in the 180s I started to see these things (more loose arm skin, hanging parts, wrinkly skin on my neck) and it was SO SO disconcerting to me that I think that is part of why I went off plan and started bingeing again. As much as I hated weighing MORE, it was also more familiar and comfortable. It was, in a way, easier to cope with the struggle of weight loss and binge eating than to struggle with the way my body was transforming into something I didn't expect nor recognize. So this time around, I am making sure I acknowledge these feelings, feel them (not stuff them) and, if I need to, cry or be scared or mourn whatever it is I feel I am losing. It's part of the process, for me. I have to feel it and deal with it.
And so, that image of myself with the boobs too low and the roll around my waist and the belly looking a bit swollen is burned into my brain, and I see it frequently, and want to change it. I know I can change it. I also know that I cannot imagine nor predict how my body will look and feel to me 20 or 30 pounds from now. I just have to experience it as it happens. I can see it, feel it, let it go, and then move on to celebrating the positive. And that is just what I intend to do.
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