Friday, September 23, 2011

Reality, and Learning to Accept Change

I think I am recovered from my head cold now. At least, mostly recovered. I am still tired! But the kids are better too (daughter missed one day of school and son missed two). Thankful for my better health!

I had a moment today where I was really self-conscious and maybe a tad upset about my body. I was sitting on a bench and happened to catch my reflection in a large window across from me. Now, I realize I am 12ish pounds heavier than I was in those "after" pictures up in the corner of my blog, but to ME, the person in the reflection looked far, far heavier. I try not to be critical of my body, and to think positive thoughts, but when I looked I was really sad and felt embarrassed and instinctively crossed my arms over my body to try and hide the flab. And that just made the arm fat pop out worse. Sigh.

I wonder if the losing/gaining/losing/gaining thing has redistributed my fat to my waist. I had my waist under control a year ago, and now it is causing me trouble when I sit. It sort of turns into a roll. I don't like that AT ALL. Seems to me that all 30 pounds I regained went directly to my waist and belly. 

I find myself hoping that when the rest of the weight comes off, I will feel better about how I look. I usually focus on the health benefits and all that important stuff, but let's face it. Most of us want to look okay too. I remember last time I weighed in the 180s I started to see these things (more loose arm skin, hanging parts, wrinkly skin on my neck) and it was SO SO disconcerting to me that I think that is part of why I went off plan and started bingeing again. As much as I hated weighing MORE, it was also more familiar and comfortable. It was, in a way, easier to cope with the struggle of weight loss and binge eating than to struggle with the way my body was transforming into something I didn't expect nor recognize. So this time around, I am making sure I acknowledge these feelings, feel them (not stuff them) and, if I need to, cry or be scared or mourn whatever it is I feel I am losing. It's part of the process, for me. I have to feel it and deal with it.

And so, that image of myself with the boobs too low and the roll around my waist and the belly looking a bit swollen is burned into my brain, and I see it frequently, and want to change it. I know I can change it. I also know that I cannot imagine nor predict how my body will look and feel to me 20 or 30 pounds from now. I just have to experience it as it happens. I can see it, feel it, let it go, and then move on to celebrating the positive. And that is just what I intend to do.


Steph Cork said...

I've been there. I remember being 34 and having lost 50-lbs only to find my neck and decolletage looked like chicken skin. It was very difficult to handle and I remember feeling comforted as I gained weight that at least I didn't have that chicken skin.

But it's not okay to hide behind fat. And it is okay to accept our bodies however they are...especially when they're healthy and becoming healthier.

I'm back at my heaviest and just considering blogging my journey and beginning the challenge of healthier living again.

Thanks for being a light in the dark for others like me.

Anonymous said...

I know. I'm certain that part of my regain when I hit 175 was just from the things you described.

And the regained weight? Well, I've always had straight hips and thin thighs compared to the rest of me, but a very thick waist.

That 20 pound regain went right to my hips and thighs. It is so odd. I remember being upset about the crinkly skin hanging on the inside of my thighs at 175--well it's not crinkly now! In fact, the legs of my pants are tight for the first time in my life--but the waist fits. Go figure.

I guess we do need to be careful about what we wish for--or moan about--as the case may be.

I know I have decided that I prefer the crinkly thigh skin to the bulging thighs! I think that's progress. chuckle.


Anonymous said...

Have you gone bra shopping yet? I good bra WILL make all the difference with "the girls."

Anonymous said...

A gaining and losing cycle isn't good for you and it can cause issues with your metabolism. With that said focus on the things you love about your body and yourself. We all have things we hate. Right now I'm fixated on the wrinkles I have on my face and I'm wondering if I can save up enough money for a I just try not to look in the mirror too much :). There are many great things about you! I love your blog thank you for sharing!

Forty Pound Sack said...

I have those moments, too. Those, OMG, is that me? Do I REALLY look like that? I think it's important to face it, to see yourself as you are, not avoid your problem areas but not to exaggerate them, either. Easier said than done. It sounds like your head is in the right place. Stay strong ~

timothy said...

i know you'll get the weight off and feel better about yourself but in the meantime have you thought about a corset/girdle or one of those smoothers. i understand it's only a cosmetic "fix" and it might be hot/uncomfortable a bit but heck if it makes you look better to you it might be worth it. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Princess Dieter said...

I still am disconcerted about the loose and crinkly skin. In bed, sometimes, when I lay on my side, I can feel that my skin just doesn't FIT and even will bunch up in spots. Awful.

But, hey, one way or another, there is sometihng to be upset about, fat or saggy skin. At least, the saggy skin isn't gonna promote bad health like obesity. And with good shapewear, I can look so nice in a going-out outfit. I never could morbidly obese. Nothing looked good.

And yeah, the face. Wow, I never looked my age, and now, without the supportive fat in the cheeks, my face is definitely hanging some, gravity is cruel. And the creases from nose to lips is deepening. And what are those things emerging on my forehead. ACK!!!!!!!

katie said...

you can't have it all...need to accept that and surrender to it..even if you reach your ideal 20 year old weight it will never 'look' the same on a 40 yo body that has has 5 children that is just reality that is okay
we need to love ourselves where we are on any day

Beth said...

COMPLETELY understand. I've been at this battle for 40 years. The new plan I'm on is a keeper and I believe I will reach goal. But I get so very angry with myself that when I reach goal, I will be 60 plus years old. Why didn't I find success in my 20s? In my 30s? Yes, it will still be a thrill to reach goal but the 60 year old experience is just DIFFERENT than the 30 year old experience. Back in the day, I remember looking at people my age and saying, "why do they bother losing weight?' I know now that that it's definitely still worth it at my age. I hate to think about the saggy skin that will come along with goal, but I think I hate the age factor (and what 'could have been') even more.

Karen said...

Although my ideal weight is still a ways down the pike, I have been 100+ pounds heavier than I am now and I too have lots of hanging skin and my face shows wrinkles in places I never imagined they could be. But, as discouraging as all that hanging skin and those wrinkles are, I sure prefer them to being 350+ pounds and having a hard time walking 10 steps!!! Emptying rolls of skin are better than full rolls of fat!!! :)

AngryPorkchop said...

Hey, at least women can wear support. My boobs are too low and there is nothing I can do about it. =P

Hang in there, we all have our ups and downs!