Monday, August 15, 2011

What's REALLY Going On

A lot of you who care about me have expressed concern in the last couple of posts that I am going to go off the rails, regain, lose control, crash and burn. And I do get what you are saying and WHY you are concerned. I have done it before. I cycle through plans, I do great, I regain, I plateau, etc. This blog has never really been a typical weight loss blog. I mean, how many bloggers, or ever regular people in real life, do you see that take 4 years or more to drop the weight, and switch their plan up repeatedly? Not too many. Most I have seen either do a lose-regain-lose-regain thing with 15 or 20 pounds for awhile and then quit, or they blast through 50-100 pounds of weight loss in less than a year and then gain most of it back the following year. My journey has been a little different.

I first got under 200 pounds in the middle of June, 2010. So far, I haven't gone back over. But I've gotten close. This last 10 months has felt eerily similar to the time period back when I got down to 214, then regained to 225ish and sort of stayed there, bouncing up and down ten pounds for more than a year. Same thing now. I got down to 175 last October, regained into the 180's, and have bounced up and down ten pounds ever since. I feel kind of like a yo yo sometimes, and I wonder if this sort of 'stage' is just a natural part of my journey where my body and mind take time to get used to being smaller every 50 pounds or so. Maybe?

I've gone up and down rather quickly and frequently. 175 in November, 189 in December, 178 in January, 193 in March, 182 in April, 198 in May, 180 in July (talking highs and lows here). Two weeks before I left on vacation, I had a little emotional breakdown over stressful stuff. It was the first time in 4 years that I had a binge without blogging about it. I didn't want it to be real. I didn't want to talk about it. It hurt too much. But I am blogging about it now.

In a week I ate something like 2 gallons of ice cream. I just kept eating it. I went way off plan and every night went and bought a pint or two of ice cream. Twice I bought half gallons and ate most of it myself. It was the first really insane binge I have had in a long, long time. I already understand what emotions triggered it, and I did work through them to the point I was able to stop and get a grip, but in that week I went from 180 pounds to 191 pounds. I gained 5 more pounds the next week, eating crap at night. When I weighed before vacation, I was 196 pounds. I had put on 15 pounds in about 2 weeks with my emotional binge eating.

I just cannot live like this anymore. The diet/binge/restrict/binge is a cycle. The restriction is connected to the binge eating. And the binges, although FAR less frequent and *usually* less damaging, come when I have the sense that "I better eat this now because tomorrow I won't be ALLOWED to" (allowed by myself, by my diet, by my restrictions). Frankly I am just exhausted, just cannot take one more second of counting, measuring, and restricting. Maybe it sounds lazy, but let me tell you, doing this for four years has been no picnic. It has been a lot of WORK to maintain an 80+ pound weight loss all this time. And it will continue to be work, I know that, but believe me when I say I just absolutely *cannot* cope with counting one more calorie, carb, or tablespoon right now. Maybe later. NOT now. I just can't.

I have to take the next couple of weeks and just be. I have to. I am using this time to focus on eating more things that nourish my body. I am re-learning how to cook for my family. I am just trying to be mindful and NOT eat crap. In two weeks, school will start and I will have time to add more exercise back in and make that a habit, too. I am walking now, a couple miles a day at least, and trying to be more active in general, but I need to bike daily like I used to. I need it. So that's on my agenda, too.

Please understand, I am truly at my limit with the dieting business. I just want to be healthy. I have NOT gained any weight while on vacation or my trip or since getting home, I am NOT back over 200 pounds, and if I stay at 196 for the next month so be it. It will come back off when I am ready. If that's this week, great. If not, that's okay too. I have to find my energy and motivation and just the desire to keep chipping away at this.

I hope that makes sense. I so appreciate all the concern and support and kindness. You guys are always there for me and I also appreciate you calling me on any crap or when you think I am headed down the wrong path. Give me a couple weeks, I think things are going to get better.


Anonymous said...

Hi Lyn

I completely understand where you are coming from. That whole cycle is awful. And you're right - it does trigger binges. Maybe this is what you need to do. To be honest, I've been reading your posts for the last week or so and I've thought "oh dear, she's going to slowly gain weight and not even realise". BUt I think I was wrong. It IS about health and it IS about being happy and it IS about being kind to yourself (not with sweeties and bad things - with nourishing yourself). I think the problem with dieting is that it becomes obsessive and about a 'cannnot' mentality (can't have this or that or whatever) when really it's not that way - it's a choice you are making to better your life. So well done for making the decision to be. I think this is a far better long-term solution. Learn to re-eat, learn to nourish, learn to stop obsessing and just be for a while. Once you're happy with where you are, you can start tweaking - little changes. But for now, just enjoy being on holiday and with your kids and just be kind to yourself (with nourishing food and more time to think about OTHER things).


P.s. I think you have done amazingly well so far. it's not easy. we all know that.

Anonymous said...

Another thing - I've recently moved away from thinking about what I eat to thinking about what exercise I'm going to do for the day and what else I'd like to do. AFter all - what's the point of being skinny if you're going to be miserable and just think about food all the time anyway. It has really helped. I also get tired of thinking about what to eat. I've been doing it for the last 14 years and I"m tired of it (I'm only 28). I KNOW what to eat, thinking about it actually only makes it worse. You have structure - you know what you should eat, what you should eat less of. Just keep eating healthily - make that your one aim (which your posts indicate you have).


Princess Dieter said...

I think folks don't understand that the important thing is to RESOLVE what's eating US, not just what we're eating.

For some, that's a rough and tumble trajectory. For others smoother. But if we don't find what ACTUALLY works to keep us at a sustainable, healthier weight (as opposed to an ideal and obsessive weight), then we will regain and it will be a BIG regain.

I've been on a downward trajectory with maybe half a dozen small blips upward (not big regains) for a year. I'm finding, bit by bit, what works for me and what doesn't and I'm STILL LEARNING about the need for daily and constant awareness. I am not yet in the "I'm free and don't have to tihnk about food and can just eat healthy" thing. I am more in a habit-groove that's healthy, but I still have to think, plan, and give energy to it. When I don't, i notice, is when I start to see a pound or two or three creep up.

For me, I can never just EAT. I have to mentally at minimum keep an eye on calories and I have to stick with much less starch and much more veggies. I will always have to restrict....just how it is for me, I think. I'll always have days or weeks I want MORE, but I have to say, 'Have healthy food until HERE, this level, then you have to stop."

I don't know any other way to do it now. Perhaps the future will bring new breakthroughs for me that makes it easier....Perhaps.

I hope folks understand that not every j ourney is smooth and blithe and permanent. If losing weight and healing from obesity or binge-ing were easy, why do so many dieters give up or regain? The blogosphere is littered with those who gave up or lost lots only to regain lots, post-diet, post-bariatric-surgery, post-meds, post-HCG, post-Medifast, post=-Low-carb, post-high-carb, post-vegan or whatever.

What's eating us inside has to be dealt with, too...

Colleen said...

Lyn, as a long time blog reader I think I sensed something was up. The bit about having an epiphany at the sea seemed a bit dramatic given the posts leading up to it, but make more sense if you were coming off a two week binge.

I think what bugs me is that on 7/23 you posted a long post about how you were so bored with food that you just didn't feel like eating. And according to this post, during that time you were actually binging on ice cream. Now, maybe the day you posted that, you really were disinterested in any and all food, but it seems unlikely. Maybe you can clarify. But I did feel then that you were not posting the whole truth somehow - a food addict doesn't just become un-addicted like that - and so I'm not totally shocked to see the update today.

I know you've gotten a lot of suggestions about therapy and I'm not sure if you're open to it or not. But I think that when you are hiding your eating from the community that has supported you through EVERY binge you are losing the self scrutiny and honesty that would allow you to recover on your own. You may need an outside but real life person sitting there with you, reading your weekly food log and not only identifying the causes of your binges but actively teaching you how to change.

Just my .02.

Kristine said...

BIG HUGS!! I have been on the same destructive path as you for a few years myself. I knew I needed to approach things differently this time or I was not going to make it. This is exactly why I do not count calories or weigh myself. Last month I set out on a mission for Health and Happiness. My goal is to lose this weight and find myself in the process. I lost myself in this lose/regain cycle years ago. This requires me to get rid of the evil scale that has controlled me for years.
I know what I cant eat and what is a treat. I just dont like thinking about "i can have this but not that" crap anymore or
I also know that I need to move my body as much a possible so I make sure I am getting in 3-4 hours of moderate to intense exercise a week.(for now)
I can see the changes in my body and how my clothes fit. I wake up every morning and look in my full length mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am. I have never been happier.
I wish you the best of luck.

Lyn said...


I was SO bored with food, I cannot even tell you. I did not even want to eat most days. I had to force the Medifast shakes down and the salad and chicken or eggs or whatever. I did not want to eat at all and this went of for weeks. I talked to several people about it.

The problem is, and has often been, that I can eat "on plan" (whatever that plan is at the time) all day long, and then after dinner, binge. Evening/night has always been my hardest challenge. Every night after making myself eat green beans and fish or whatever, I got so annoyed and frustrated (maybe because I got no satisfaction from my food) that I just wanted to binge. I dunno. But I'd go to the store at 7 or 8 pm and buy ice cream. And eat it all. I was not being dishonest. I have no reason to do that, never have. As I said, this is the first time in 4 years of blogging that I did not post a binge. I am posting it now, not trying to hide anything, just taking time to process my feelings about things. I have been about as transparent about my eating as any blogger I have ever seen. It's how I blog.

As I've said many times, there are no therapists in my area that deal specifically with food issues and I have, in fact, gone to (non food specialist) counselors and talked about the "issues". While it gave me some insight into myself, it was not a magic moment or anything. There is still work to be done, and while I *may* talk to a counselor again at some point, I have found blogging to be more helpful to me than counseling ever was.

MargieAnne said...

Hi Lyn,

You have so much experience and have worked so hard at understanding how your body and mind work I think we should all give you the benefit of trusting you to do what is best.

It sounds to me as though you have reached a point where concentrating on foods that promote good health and keeping a close eye on portion sizes will be beneficial. Counting can become as neurotic and obsessive as overeating.

Considering the stress levels of your everyday life I think you do remarkably well and am full of admiration for you. There are times when I wish I had your level of discipline.


Tamara said...

Hi Lyn- As always, I appreciate the openness of your posts. I'm in the same situation as you currently and I think it's important that others pursuing weight-loss efforts be aware of the issues that can develop after years of dieting and the restrictions they impose. So thank you so much for sharing!

I've reached a point of exhaustion myself, having experienced some compulsive overeating this weekend after completing a few weeks of slightly obsessive calorie counting. You'd think I would've seen this coming (as it's happened many times in the past), but I wanted to give it another shot, in the off-chance things turned out differently. Oh, well...

I wish you the best of progress at this point in your journey. The reality is, we can't (and shouldn't) live our lives around restrictive food behavior. Yes, it can help take the weight off, but is it really the type of behavior (and stress, depression, guilt, anger) you want to live with into your 80s? Heck no.

I'm reading "Women Food and God" by Geneen Roth right now and it's definitely opening my eyes. I thought I had my food issues figured out (for the most part), but I'm starting to find that I've been in denial about a lot of feelings and behaviors. I'm not sure if you've read it yet, but it might pose as a helpful reference as you progress with your anti-diet.

Anyway, I'll stop rambling for now. Thanks again for sharing your experiences! It means a lot to those like me who are trying to work through the same issues.

Jane Cartelli said...

I appreciate your fessing up and being honest in your post. I know it was not easy. I hope that you are being honest with yourself. You are right that your blog is different in that you have stayed on - despite changes and gains you have kept posting. You have a desire to get better and you have kept a great portion of your weight off to date.

This is a critical time. There is a difference between keeping silent while picking up the food and picking up the food but posting under a false veil. No one wants you to suffer or feel any shame, we want you to get better. Many of us share a common disease of food addiction and we get better together because we help each other. The only requirement is the ability to be rigorously honesty. Everything else is diversion from your ultimate goals - be they a final number on the scale or a feeling in your heart and soul.

Since I started writing this you have responded to the prior posts and stated there are no therapists in your area. 12 step groups such as OA might be in your area and if not, I understand that there is an online OA community, too.

I used to binge on ice cream, feel the drudgery of the fish-and -spinach-for-dinner-again-blues, and jump plans over and over again. Almost five years ago I found I did not have to live that way anymore.
I want that for you, too; for everyone who really wants to recover. That is the real essence: how much do you want it?


Ally said...


I'm glad you shared this post, and are so great about addressing comments. That said, I do still worry about whether this is going to result in a weight gain. "Healthy" eating is great, and I personally hate diets like medifast, nutrisystem, slimfast etc., but I think 'all natural / local / organic' does not equate to healthy for weight loss. As long as your goal is weight loss, you have to be more conscientious of what you are putting in your body. Now i'm not saying go back to counting calories or carbs or points or anything.. but I think you are fooling yourself if you think "hand cut fries" and "grass fed burgers" are healthy. Yes, they might be a better option than McDonalds-- definitely in terms of taste, but not all that different in terms of calories.

As long as you acknowledge that this will likely result in a gain, unless you restrict your choices to low fat, low sugar foods, then go for it. I just don't want you to wake up a month from know and be in for a rude shock! You CAN lose weight eating natural foods-- just not ANY natural food your body desires!!

bbubblyb said...

Lyn, you and I have been on this journey the same amount of time and I know exactly how it is to go through this stuff. I know too that you put yourself out there wholely and it opens a door for others to put in their two cents (I've put in mine at times). I also know that as time goes on we are getting mentally healthier even if at times we slip back into old habits. I know just the other day I mentioned you in a post about the 'old' food not even tasting all that good. It's a process and though therapy did help me (not a food related therapist) I know it's not for everyone. Really all this comment is about is to say I support you in whatever you do and I do understand, "I getcha" for sure. Hang in there and have a good few weeks of getting back in the kitchen and getting back to something that feels good to you. I know myself with school coming up for the kids it's been unusually stressful for me and I have found myself turning to food. Sometimes it is just a time period we have to struggle through till we can get to the light at the end of the "next" tunnel. *hugs*

Diana said...

Of course, I know exactly how you feel. Some days I feel exactly the same way. To hell with it, sick to death of it after 3 1/2 years, I've had enough. Really, it's been a lifetime.

I think a little break from the counting, weighing, measuring might just be what your mind needs right now. Ultimately you'll probably have to go back to some form of this since we both know it works.

Have you thought about trying the BodyMedia? You still have to input your food but its really easy.

The calories burned is what fascinates me, and the steps.

You should contact them and see if they'll let you review one for a few months on your blog. I think it might just be the thing to get you in gear again.

In the meantime, you're doing well by maintaining. That alone isn't easy.

Anonymous said...

I love you to death from the gut wrenching posts you've written. I feel like you eating whole food is a wonderful idea ....for MAINTENANCE. I really am sad that you gave up on Medifast. I feel like it was a great and helpful tool for you. You turned me on to it about 8 months ago and I've lost 100 + lbs. since then. I'm not at goal and will always struggle with maintaining once I'm there, I know but I couldn't imagine being SO VERY CLOSE and then just ditching it. It seems like a self sabotaging thing to me. I truly wonder if this is what is at the heart of the matter. Is this all really because you are afraid to succeed?? Obviously, not on a conscience level but there has to be something unconscious going on there. I do truly wish you would seek some emotional counseling. Whether you can see someone who specializes in eating disorders or not... just someone who can help you work through and sort out all of this stuff. Obviously, this is said with love. It does seem to me that you are most successful when you are following a regimented plan. I am afraid for you as well. I don't want to discourage but rather encourage you so please don't misunderstand. Hang in there.

Anonymous said...

Re: the recs to increase self-awarerness. A dear fellow blogger (Leslie) has often said something to the effect that if self-awareness could make her lose weight, she'd be anorexic by now.

Yep. Me, too.

Keep pluggin.


Anonymous said...

I get what you are saying about the don't want to count calories thing. I am slowly losing without doing that, by cutting down on carbs, no eating at night, no sugar, and really working out hard, 2 1/2 hours every other day. I was slim for years and years, and I never counted calories, made lists, plans etc, and I honestly don't think people who have never been heavy live that way either. I know many of you will now say that "but we aren't normal!" and maybe that's true, but to spend every waking moment shopping for food, planning menus, making lists, counting calories and totally obsessing about food every waking moment doesn't seem like the answer either. There has to be a happy medium. I absolutely refuse to eat small meals every two hours like a newborn infant, normal people do not eat that way, nor is it even practical. Whenever I try and eat some freakish way it can't last and a regain would follow. How about cutting out the sugar and just slowly eat smaller amounts until you get full on less? I honestly don't think the reason why we overeat matters if we just quit putting all the junk in our mouths. When people get gastric bypass they are unable to eat large amounts, it doesn't matter why they were choosing to do so. The secret is eat less food, period.


Anonymous said...

Lyn-long time reader, first time commentor. Everytime I've read a post where you had a binge, you always gloss over the "incident" that triggered the binge. While I understand you may not want to get into the dirty details, I personally have always felt that to truly be successful and break through your wall, you are going to need to address what is REALLY bothering you. You have never discussed whether you are married/single/living situation? Again, I'm assuming there is someone since you are not employed and clearly have funds. I believe that whoever is in your "shadow" is playing a much bigger role in your life than you let onto. You spend alot of time looking into your past, but no time dealing with the current situation. Wishing you all the best in your future

Shay Jordan said...

I commend you for doing what you need to do for you. You know yourself better than any of us readers know you and if you want to take a break and not think about it, that's what you have to do.

We are all here to support you and help you with whatever you need!

Dawn said...

I think we blog for all kinds of reasons, different reasons on different days....sometimes because we feel we have something to say and want people to listen, sometimes we want help, advice or support, sometimes we want to share with our blogging friends our successes and our failures or lessons we have learned along our way. Other times we don't post for anyone but ourselves because we have to say what we have to say to ourselves. I feel this post was one of those. You are doing the new non-plan plan because its what you need to do and you're posting the hidden binge to get it out on your blog, for you. On days like this, all I ever want from fellow bloggers is a comment to say they hear me, they care.
I'm hearing you...and will cheer you along or celebrate or discuss issues as and when they come up here....but for today I'm hearing you, and I care.

Leslie said...

Hi Lyn - I so appreciate this post, and I hear where you're coming from. I understand the utter frustration and weariness from cycle of bingeing, restricting, etc...Been there, (very recently unfortunately), done that countless times.

What jumped out at me is how you said that for a few weeks you just need to relax and if your weight stays at 196, so be it, for now. That makes sense - maintain or lose. Just strive to not go up - which obviously you're doing.

What I suggest is weighing pretty often, just to stay in touch with that piece of this journey. When my food is off, I make myself weigh at least 3 times a week - as a check point. If I go up at all, I rein it in. Also - increasing exercise as much as you are able and drinking gobs of water will help.

Now I'm going to read all the comments - you've really struck a nerve with your readers here and brought out some great thoughts. You continue to be an inspiration to me.

Rachel said...

I've been reading your blog for years, from the habit-a-week challenge to the monthly calorie bank to Medifast and so on. I know you've said you've found blogging to be more helpful than counseling has been, and it bums me out that you haven't found a good therapist for help. Do you have an outlet for getting at the issues *behind* the food, the real personal stuff that causes the food issues in the first place? You don't have to answer that and I certainly w0uldn't expect you to blog about those things (you maintain a level of privacy that I really respect!) but you know... you have to deal with the food, but it's not *really* about the food.

Erin Eats Life said...


You are amazing. I read LOTS of blogs and many of them are weight loss related. I think the weight loss stories that make it in to blogs are of the two types you listed but there are many, many people out there who do things the way you do. I am one of them and this is why I keep coming back to your site. I just started my own and I think tomorrow I am going to put up the exhausting list of my weight changes over the past six years. You might enjoy, you might relate. I really just want to say thank you for sharing. I love that you are not perfect or try to look perfect on your blog.


Anonymous said...

Lyn, I've been reading your blog for a few months now and I truly congratulate you on your persistence - THAT - if nothing else will get you to your goal. Never, ever give up. With that said, I am not overweight, I was for a couple of years at the end of a bad marriage, but got it under control and have kept at it ever since (10+ years) and it has NEVER gotten easier. It is always a challenge and I have accepted that it always will be. I eat healthy 90% of the time, with 2-3 cheats over the weekend. I plan all my meals every day, making sure almost everything I put in my mouth is nutrient dense, I stay at a certain calorie level and I work out 6-8 hours a week. The result is I am in pretty good shape for my mid-40's but not as great as you’d think I should be with all that effort. Does it get tiring? Yes...all the time. But as soon as I ease up, the pounds creep up - albeit, slowly - but they do. Calories are still calories – healthy or not. Some of us will never be able to just get away with how we “feel” as it pertains to food, some of us will always have to account for everything that goes into our bodies. Not tracking and counting, as tiring as it is, is dangerous territory. I hope you work beyond this and take a more structured approach.

Erin Eats Life said...


Just for you.

Anonymous said...

Lyn, I have read your blog for a while now and have watched your struggles over the last six months. I have been there. I have lost 75 pounds over five years. I still am not at my goal( 10 punds to go) but the one thing I have not done is gained and lost the way you have. I have lost, taken a break, maintained, started a new weight loss phase. Here is my two sense...Taking a break from active dieting is a part of the process. So take that break but get on the scale and do not let it creep up anymore. Then, we you are ready, do some research and decide what diet plan will work well for you to get through your next weight lose phase. During each maintenance phase I have made sure to still watch carefully what I eat but just not as restrictive. I also made sure to get as much exercise as possible to keep the weight off. Finally, I agree with many bloggers that counseling is a good thing. Getting to the core issues is helpful, but at the same time, it is just about changing and forming new habits. After all these years I doubt you really need a therpaist to tell you what triggered your binge. So take the break from active dieting just don't lose sight of the goal. It is not all or nothing.

Anonymous said...

I agree with what many saying-when someone has deep issues with food/weight/etc and tries to maintain weight thru little to no structure-not so good. You could eat all the whole food you want, but in the end it's still that cold truth of calories in/ calories out. I know you don't really want to hear it right now, but try not to forget about how good you felt at175. It is worth all the "rules" and restrictions, in my opinion, to look great and feel amazing. I know you say you need a break from rules, but I really think these rules helped you shed a lot if weight and find focus. Just my take. If you don't want to weigh for now, at least do something like consistently wear jeans/pants that are snug/perfect fitting and use that as your scale to make sure you dint creep up in weight. Wearing fitted clothing in general is great for that, I think. Good luck.

Christine said...

I think restricting certain foods lead to binges....unless it is a trigger food...there may be a food that you simply CAN NOT EAT. One food I do not get unless I know I can eat ALL of it is popcorn. It's one of the only foods that I can not even have in the house or I am asking for trouble. I don't know why...but I love me some popcorn. And I went throught that period of BEING SICK OF DIETING. I regained five or ten pounds because I was still counting but not being strict and that was yourself a mental vacation within parameters is something I think can work. Good luck to you.

erin said...

Lyn, I COMPLETELY get this. I have been trying to lose weight on and off since 2008, and it's exhausting. Even though I got pregnant and had a baby in that time period, I still feel as though the last 3.5 years have been consumed with calories, calories, calories! At the end of July I came so close to just throwing in the towel and staying at the weight I was. I took a mental vacation that happened to coincide with a 3-day weekend trip that my husband and I took. It was just what I needed. I enjoyed myself, ate good food, and didn't track any of it. It helped me so much to just step away from it all, if only for a little while. I hope your break does the same for you. I am rooting for you. I have been reading for years, and yours is one of only a handful of blogs that I simply must read every day.

beerab said...

I've been around 2 years, on and off, and overall have only lost 35 lbs- but it's 35 lbs that won't come back. I keep reminding myself that :) I STILL have like 65 lbs to go but eventually it'll happen. I do know I'm healthier than I've ever been :)

PlumPetals said...

Lyn - I've only recently started writing about my weight loss journey and it's because of bloggers like you who are not afraid to show their vulnerability and weakness that helps me feel inspired.

Losing weight is a struggle. I think that unless someone is going through it themselves they will have no idea exactly how hard it is.

Calorie counting and dieting can be draining, but there is still a difference between making healthy vs unhealthy choices.

You're not alone in your struggles. You've done an amazing job so far and you are definitely an inspiration.

Rachel said...

So, after posting my "get at the real issues!" comment earlier, I started feeling bad, because I mean... easy for me to say! Only you know what's best for you, Lyn. I just feel like we share a lot of the same struggles and I'm trying to focus on ridding myself of the triggers to binging, etc. - like you I pretty much know WHY I binge, but not how to eliminate those negative emotions, etc.

Anyway, I still believe it's not really about the food or finding the perfect diet, but you know yourself a lot better than we do and I hope you find success with this new method.

Anonymous said...

Lyn, looking back on your blog from February (Good Heavens, I Weigh WHAT?) you were absolutely distraught about weighing 196. Devastated. And, now.. you seem content. At least for a while. That worries me because if that is your new normal then in a few months you could have another new normal - a weight that might seem sickening right now but okay in the future. I absolutely don't want to condemn you. You help so many people but you yourself said that sometimes you feel like you are walking in circles. I really hope that you can get some help with this because I know firsthand maintenance isn't easy but I know you wanted to drop another 30 or so lbs. before getting there. You inspired everyone to write the time capsule last year. Remember? Don't you want to open it with joy in December? Don't you want to open it and say, I did it!! You have roughly 4 months to start chipping away at that goal. I want you to be so happy when you read that and not disappointed. None of what I say is in condemnation. If you need a break, by all means, take it. But please don't lose sight of your goals. It is not too late to kick this thing in the butt once and for all.

Lyn said...

Thanks Rachel. I know it isn't about the diet or the food, really. That's why I am trying to just nourish myself and get off the diet train.

I don't talk about *all* the issues that contribute to my eating problems, but I know what they are. I've shared a lot about my childhood, my past, my old fears of being abused/a victim again, stuff like that. I spent a lot of time exploring the why's on this journey.

Right now it is coming down to the simple "what do I really want?" That question is what drives my behavior. I am not sure what the answer to that is at this moment.

Lyn said...


Yes, you're right, I am okay with it and it used to bother me a lot. Honestly I am not sure if I care if I still weigh 196 in December...

I need some time to think about what I really want.

Anonymous said...

I think this is a result of Medifast. I"m not saying it wasn't good or what you needed, but it is restrictive in what you can eat (yet liberating in the no-counting sense). Just enjoy eating whole foods, let yourself be and don't even think about counting until you're ready to incorporate healthy eating into a structured plan. I think that even if you gain weight, it will help you lose weight in the long-run (so a nett loss).

Anonymous said...

Wow! What a flood of comments you've I'll add one more. I respect your decision to stand back, look at your options and decide what you need to do next. I think it's rare the person who loses weight quickly and keeps it off without gaining (speaking from someone who lost 80 pounds 10 years ago and promptly put it back on in a couple of years). So, obviously I don't have the magic quick fix answer. I'm back to trying to lose...what worked for me then doesn't work for me now. I'm trying to work it through. I spend an emotionally trying week visiting in-laws and didn't binge, but did use food as a coping tool. Nothing outrageous, but a boredom ice cream cone on the drive down and pie as a treat because I could. It's such a process. I respect you and your writing. I respect you for sticking with it over the years. I don't think this is an "all or nothing" venture. Hang in there!

Diandra said...

Maybe it is really time for your body to find a "natural" eating pattern, with normal and wholesome food. Over the last year, I have seen it work on myself (losing 15kg without anything being "off limits"), and although it is a lot of work in the beginning to find out what works for you and what your body craves/needs (as opposed to what other people tell you it should need), but it is worth it, and it makes life so much easier. Who knows, even your cravings for calorie-packed stuff might disappear once you've found your true balance.

Karen said...

Lyn,those of us with eating disorders totally get it. I know I have everchanging emotions about food and I have never gotten to a healthy place in my relationship with it. I would love to get to the place of "food is fuel"...but I am not there yet, not by a long shot.

What impresses me most about you is not your 100+ pound weight loss but your honesty in sharing your journey so generously with all of us. It has opened you up to much criticism and even cruel remarks, yet you don't just go and hide (and I asuure you that is exactly what I would do) but you tough it out and keep sharing your struggles with us. That is integrity.

And for anyone who doesn't believe in just being, they need to see the new WW Simply Filling List which allows for many unlimited fruits and vegetables...allowing us to not only nourish our bodies but also our souls.

Someone mentioned getting to the bottom of what's eating us and I just can't go there and I may never be able to...and I know your background has been much more tumultuous than mine. The bottom line is that there is not just one answer to this food problem...its so individual and personal.

Hang in there, always inspire me!!!

Erika said...

Hi Lyn,

I think you and I are similar (and I could be wrong) about having an "all or nothing" mentality some days. And when I feel emotional about something, it is very black or white! I am either 100% committed, or occasionally in the "this is entirely hopeless!" realm. The main thing is, I think, to take everything one MEAL at a time. Some posters have mentioned that you should acknowledge WHY you had a binge, or the trigger. You certainly don't have to do that here but if you are doing that for YOURSELF, I think that is a good first step.

You've been on this journey long enough to know what works, and what doesn't. And as I tell myself, one doesn't get fat from eating lots of veggies, lots of fruit, lean protein, and sparing amounts of whole grains. Or at least, I haven't met that person yet!

Best of luck to you dear, thank you so much for always sharing your story.


Anonymous said...

No judgement here, Lyn. Most of us have been where you are.

For me, after 5 years on the restrict/binge cycle, I am going back to WW. If I let go altogether, it will be worse, but that's me. You will do what you need to do to maintain your loss. We are all pulling for you.


Theresa said...

I wish you all the best in this next phase of your journey. I honestly can relate to many of the things you post about. Keep blogging. Never give up girl.

MB said...

For years I admired your ability to stick to a plan, whatever plan that happened to be, because I was never able to do it. Once I thought I could never have something it was the only thing I could think of. I tried counting points and calories but it made me crazy and obsessive. What worked for me was allowing myself to have what I wanted in moderation. A treat is a treat and not an everyday thing. When I stopped thinking I couldn't have something it often lost its appeal. Good luck putting things in perspective and taking time to regroup and figure out what works for you. Rock on!

Danielle said...

There are so many people who support you and understand what you are going through. It really helped me to read that so many people get it. I've been having a hard time too so it's really nice to read the occasional post where someone is struggling and reaches out since that is so hard for me....not that I want to see anyone struggle, but I think the reaching out part is fantastic. You've done an amazing job and I know that you'll be able to find a balance. You are so strong and such an amazing woman. I believe in you!

Anonymous said...

I wonder if the reason some people are reactive to your post and/or saying they are "scared for you" is really displaced fear for themselves. It's about how *I* wouldn't make it, not you. If you fail, I might too. Maybe. We all need a success story to believe in.

Anonymous said...

Perhaps you should think about the "why" instead of the "what" you want. The "what" is the result of how and why we do something.