A lot of you who care about me have expressed concern in the last couple of posts that I am going to go off the rails, regain, lose control, crash and burn. And I do get what you are saying and WHY you are concerned. I have done it before. I cycle through plans, I do great, I regain, I plateau, etc. This blog has never really been a typical weight loss blog. I mean, how many bloggers, or ever regular people in real life, do you see that take 4 years or more to drop the weight, and switch their plan up repeatedly? Not too many. Most I have seen either do a lose-regain-lose-regain thing with 15 or 20 pounds for awhile and then quit, or they blast through 50-100 pounds of weight loss in less than a year and then gain most of it back the following year. My journey has been a little different.
I first got under 200 pounds in the middle of June, 2010. So far, I haven't gone back over. But I've gotten close. This last 10 months has felt eerily similar to the time period back when I got down to 214, then regained to 225ish and sort of stayed there, bouncing up and down ten pounds for more than a year. Same thing now. I got down to 175 last October, regained into the 180's, and have bounced up and down ten pounds ever since. I feel kind of like a yo yo sometimes, and I wonder if this sort of 'stage' is just a natural part of my journey where my body and mind take time to get used to being smaller every 50 pounds or so. Maybe?
I've gone up and down rather quickly and frequently. 175 in November, 189 in December, 178 in January, 193 in March, 182 in April, 198 in May, 180 in July (talking highs and lows here). Two weeks before I left on vacation, I had a little emotional breakdown over stressful stuff. It was the first time in 4 years that I had a binge without blogging about it. I didn't want it to be real. I didn't want to talk about it. It hurt too much. But I am blogging about it now.
In a week I ate something like 2 gallons of ice cream. I just kept eating it. I went way off plan and every night went and bought a pint or two of ice cream. Twice I bought half gallons and ate most of it myself. It was the first really insane binge I have had in a long, long time. I already understand what emotions triggered it, and I did work through them to the point I was able to stop and get a grip, but in that week I went from 180 pounds to 191 pounds. I gained 5 more pounds the next week, eating crap at night. When I weighed before vacation, I was 196 pounds. I had put on 15 pounds in about 2 weeks with my emotional binge eating.
I just cannot live like this anymore. The diet/binge/restrict/binge is a cycle. The restriction is connected to the binge eating. And the binges, although FAR less frequent and *usually* less damaging, come when I have the sense that "I better eat this now because tomorrow I won't be ALLOWED to" (allowed by myself, by my diet, by my restrictions). Frankly I am just exhausted, just cannot take one more second of counting, measuring, and restricting. Maybe it sounds lazy, but let me tell you, doing this for four years has been no picnic. It has been a lot of WORK to maintain an 80+ pound weight loss all this time. And it will continue to be work, I know that, but believe me when I say I just absolutely *cannot* cope with counting one more calorie, carb, or tablespoon right now. Maybe later. NOT now. I just can't.
I have to take the next couple of weeks and just be. I have to. I am using this time to focus on eating more things that nourish my body. I am re-learning how to cook for my family. I am just trying to be mindful and NOT eat crap. In two weeks, school will start and I will have time to add more exercise back in and make that a habit, too. I am walking now, a couple miles a day at least, and trying to be more active in general, but I need to bike daily like I used to. I need it. So that's on my agenda, too.
Please understand, I am truly at my limit with the dieting business. I just want to be healthy. I have NOT gained any weight while on vacation or my trip or since getting home, I am NOT back over 200 pounds, and if I stay at 196 for the next month so be it. It will come back off when I am ready. If that's this week, great. If not, that's okay too. I have to find my energy and motivation and just the desire to keep chipping away at this.
I hope that makes sense. I so appreciate all the concern and support and kindness. You guys are always there for me and I also appreciate you calling me on any crap or when you think I am headed down the wrong path. Give me a couple weeks, I think things are going to get better.
Friday Update and Reality Check
1 day ago