Thursday, August 25, 2011

Two Things

It has been awhile since I posted. I didn't realize quite how long.

Two things.

One, I have been very busy with 4-6 hours/day of dog sports. Pup and I are exhausted. I have REALLY enjoyed it. Loved every minute of it. After each morning of sport, I have taken the kids back-to-school shopping or to other various activities like the county fair. I have been so busy I barely had time to think, and I like it that way. I like not sitting around worrying about food and diets and feeling sorry for myself for getting fat. I like being IN life and not a spectator anymore. I have had a WONDERFUL, enjoyable week!

Two, underneath it all I feel like I am imploding. The eating plan is not going well at all. The thing that makes my headaches go away is carbs, lots of carbs, and Coke, not diet. Once I found this out it became way too tempting to "fix" a headache with a sandwich and a Coke. Or a dish of ice cream. I don't really get why that kind of crap food makes the headaches go away, but it does. But then they do come back. So my meals have looked like this: breakfast is either a whole grain, protein-enriched waffle with natural, sugar free almond/flax butter and fresh local blueberries on top, or 2 free range eggs scrambled with a piece of whole wheat toast and a small glass of juice. I have coffee or tea with it. Lunch is whatever random thing I grab, like a sandwich or leftovers or a Carb Balance tortilla with meat, lettuce and tomatoes in it. Dinner has been insane... I have been busy, and have had a 6" steak sub a couple times or 2 slices of pizza or some of that stew I made. But in between, the *addiction* and almost inability-to-resist carbs/sweets is back. It is SO HARD to tell myself no lately. I pick regular Coke instead of Diet because it "fixes" the headache. I have an ice cream cone or a candy bar or some cookies because it is easy. I tell myself to eat a damn peach instead but I don't do it. It feels unhealthy, and icky, and bad, and although I have avoided the scale like the plague, I am pretty sure it ain't going down. My clothes are tight. This morning I had a closet crisis because the midsection bulge is back, and it looks horrid under 90% of my shirts now. I am taking Aleve on a daily basis for my joint pain. And I am feeling a bit unsettled about what to do about all this.

I had a dream last night... a vivid, emotionally heart-wrenching dream in which the two Big Things that drive my emotional distress were right before me. I know what they are; one of them is the age-old mother issue, which I thought I had long since gotten over but obviously it still drives me to some degree. The other, bigger thing, I don't blog about. But trust me, I know it. Oh, the tears I shed this morning waking up from that dream. And it is, in fact, those two issues (which are actually one and the same in a roundabout way) that give me a pit of the stomach, root of the soul panicky drive to eat. And eat. And eat.

No counselor is going to fix this thing. I have to fix it. It is not something I can "talk through" anymore than I have already done here and in my private journalings. It is an action issue. It may not be fully in my control, but avoidance by eating is certainly not the answer. But oh, how it hurts to not eat...

Food has no appeal to me, as I have mentioned some time ago. It is not a matter of my "wanting" pizza or cookies anymore. Somewhere along the last 6 months, that passed. When I eat them now, they just don't taste that good anymore. It is now a matter of a compulsion to fill that emptiness and drown out the fears and worries and emotional pain with *some other sensation.* I guess cutting or drinking or drugs would do just as well, but isn't eating the most convenient, socially acceptable thing one (especially a mother) can do to drown one's pain? That's why we're fat, I think...

If I can somehow get a grip long enough to get my cravings under control again, I can yank myself back onto the path to better health. I have to stop pretending this isn't happening.

33 comments:

Princess Dieter said...

Yep. You know that filling the holes/fears with crap food is no solution. It's adding to your problem. You know it. Do the actions to reverse course or find yourself way over 200 again and wallowing in loathing. Don't do that. We want a Lyn who's healing and happy!!!!

Did you see a doc, re the headaches, I forget?

Idea:

Get a glucose monitor. Check your blood sugar when you're getting these headaches. If sugar and caffeine (ie soda) is fixing it, you may be having hypoglycemic headaches. Maybe?

Next time , try a cup of real coffee (no sugar) and a piece of fruit (some orange wedges or half a banana or soemthing), and see if the headache goes away with THAT version of sugars and caffeine. That at least will wean you off the Coke.

Addiction is addiction. Alcoholics, some, say they drink to dull the pain. I remember a heroin junkie form my childhood who shot up to forget pains. Food is no different. Using it to soothe emotions is being a junkie. (I know, I was one, and am "recovering"..sober for 14+ months, but always wary cause addiction lurks.)

Heal yourself starting now. Coke is a drug, sugar is a drug..for you!

Hugs...I believe you'll be fighting this with verve soon and back on the right road..totally believe in you.

Princess Dieter said...

Oh, and one more word: GET ON THE SCALE. Nothing halts a weird eating thing for me better than the shock of seeing the scale NOT move down or move back up.

Get on it. Look at the number. Ponder consequences of bad choices. Use the number as a BRAKE. Really. Do it.

Deb Willbefree said...

Well. I'm confused.

Here's what I got:

Before Medifast, you ate carbs. Chocolate, ice cream, brownie mix...carbs. And had headaches daily.

Once you started Meidfast--with it's limited carbs--your headaches went away.

You went off Medifast, introduced more fruit, etc--and the headaches came back.

Now you're saying, "Ah-ha! If I eat carbs, the headaches go away! So, I'll eat carbs!" And come back.

So you're eating carbs--ice cream, chocolate... carbs.

But before Medifast...when you were eating carbs...the headaches were there daily.

When you went on Medifast with limitetd carbs, the headaches went away.

When you went off...

Umm. You do see where this is going, right? And, hence, my confusion.

Deb

Deniz said...

Glad to hear of the wonderful time with the pup. Sad to hear you are struggling with other stuff though.

I know you know what you need to do, so there's no point my telling you. What I will do is send a big supportive Zen hug from the wet and grey UK.

Princess Dieter said...

Deb has a better memory than me. If that is your pattern, get off the damn carbs now. Sugar, bread, wraps, waffles, etc. Off em. For a couple weeks, don't even have fruit. Seriously, just have non-starchy veggies, proteins, healthy fats TO YOUR SATISFACTION. Just that. See how you feel. Come on, Lyn. Do the experiment. Do the healthier version of "Medifast"--lower carb, but not processed creap. 2 Weeks. Tell yourself it's do or die if that's what it takes. Think of your knees. Think of your babies...

Anonymous said...

Lyn, I just got up to run medication through my pump and so I don't fall asleep while this is happening I decided to check in quickly. Please check for the SUPER LONG email I sent you last week. How long have you been taking Aleve everyday? That might be the key (or part of it). If you didn't get the email, I will resend it---it's the "gmail" one, correct; the one on your home page? Let me know! I so wan't to help and throw some ideas at you. Otherwise, it went to wrong place OR you have been super busy. However, I have one HUGE THOUGHT (I will write that too); based on the way you answer the Aleve, Ibuprofen, Tylenole question. How often/how many are you taken in day? And how many days in a week are you doing this? There is something about the caffeine, sugar and salty carb things that helps but only a short time. I know a handful of people that do that. Take care, Jodi

Anonymous said...

Hi Lyn

It's horrible to be in a downward spiral. I've written a few posts about this and I'm sorry to keep harping on about it. Please read up on GI. Your body craves carbs when you have been active because it needs them. Get hold of a good sports nutrition book - they make the most sense and don't have that faddy angle.

Just get out the house or do something that makes you feel good about yourself.

Caroline

Miz said...

Im with Deniz.

Merely sending love and offers to lend a hand if you want.

❀❀ Dawn (Lay Down My Idols) ❀❀ said...

I think you've got some great advice here - the only thing that I'd add is make sure you're taking a multivitamin. It amazes me how much better I feel when I make sure I'm taking them - all sorts of "woes" go away, seriously. I know that I often am lacking some vitamins (celiac disease) but taking the vitamins makes a world of difference for me.
((( hugs ))) on the emotional stuff -- I have lots of it too. Yes, it does/can draw us to our "addiction" - food. I just read a quote a my weight management clinic this past week: "Attitude: Everyone has a burden, what counts is how you carry it." It struck me as so true.
Dawn

Tammy said...

Save yourself Lyn. You're the only one who can. Big Hugs.

Jaclyn said...

I hope this doesn't sound trite, but I will pray for you. For your health and well-being, but most importantly for healing in your heart for whatever needs healing.

Anonymous said...

Lyn, there must be some reason that carbs are fixing your headaches. But I remember that Medifast kept them away and it was quite limited for carbs, wasn't it? I wonder what the commonality is.

I know you'll figure this out!

Arabella

Karen said...

Medifast seemed to arrest the headaches and food addiction for you, in my opinion.
The pain food addiction brought to me was worse than ANY thing else I worked through in my life. Once I delt with the food addiction, then I could deal with the rest.

I hope you can find the answers you need to find peace. For me it was finding the right therapist and steering clear of sugar. Saved my life!

Safe travels Lyn.

Kyra said...

A couple things - one, I'm not going to lecture you on you doing this for you, you already know that as you have said in your post. It's not like you're relearning the world after being in a coma or something, so I'm just going to say *hugs* because THAT'S what I think you need.

Headaches: I've suffered from chronic migraines since I was a little kid. What I have found is often a cause is actually the shifts in blood sugar. So, you eating FAST carbs may be part of the problem, sending your sugars on a rollercoaster. If you balance out your meals (protein, carb and healthy fat) smaller, more frequent, and healthy, you may find your headaches vanish.

Also, I second the comment about the aleve. You can cause a sort of semi-addiction (like with caffeine and people trying to stop drinking it?) where it causes headaches when you try to go off it. But a Dr would help you figure that out.

Anonymous said...

First, I am so sorry that you are struggling. I know how that feels.

I think saying that you don't need a counselor because you don't need to "talk through" this is a tad misinformed. Or just a tiny bit arrogant. A good psychologist doesn't "chat" with you about your problems. Therapy should not be dismissed as "talking." Therapy is therapy, and if it has not helped you in the past, perhaps you need to do the unpleasant grunt work of finding someone better.

It could be that the best therapist on the planet could not help you because, as you wrote, you already know what to do and you can talk yourself through this. However, if that does not appear to be working very well, perhaps you need professional help.

I'm not saying you "need" therapy, of course. I just wonder if there is some avoidance in your whole "I don't need to talk to a counselor - I am fine and can just do this on my own." Sometimes we tell ourselves that because we can't handle the process of getting help.

In addition, as other people have already posted, I think it's the carbs. Sugar is the gateway drug, Lyn. Period.

Be well. Thinking of you.

Jes

Anonymous said...

Coke is poison, pure and simple. The acid, additives and chemicals -- over and beyond the mega doses of sugar. Drop the Pop, regular, diet or otherwise. As difficult as it might be to get a grip right now, that is at least one clear cut thing you can begin with to get your control back -- make today a Soda-free day....

Anonymous said...

I've been reading your blog for years, and to me it seems you do very well within the structure of a brand new plan. I myself find the 'control' of a plan to be helpful when I myself am temporarily lacking self control, for whatever reason. To disrupt what looks like possible downward spiral here, perhaps consider a whole new outlook? I recommend the low-fat, whole foods (no measuring or calorie counting) approach of the McDougall Plan: (http://www.drmcdougall.com/) to potentially help turn things around....

Anne H said...

We are twins again. Sugar Twins.
I had to swear off the stuff..... AGAIN.....
I just can't even go there (sugar) for a bite!
I'm finally coming to terms with that.
*sigh*
I think this is just the roller-coaster ride of the Learning Curve.... with a little Metabolic Angst thrown in for a loop!
It gets better - stay strong, Lyn!

Anonymous said...

I have to tell you that I too need coke in order to get rid of my migraine headaches. Real coke - not diet - with caffeine. I don't know what is in coke but it gives me almost immediate relief. So when I have to choose between the extra calories or having a severe headache you can guess which one wins.

erin said...

Lyn, I'm echoing what Jaclyn said and praying for you. My heart aches for you and what you've been going through lately. I pray you find peace.

*HUGS*

Karin said...

Lyn, if you need a place to start to get some momentum to get away from grains and sugars (truly what I think is escalating your joint pain and headaches) then check out Whole 9's website and their challenge called Whole30. It's not a "diet" it's not a fad...it's amazing and there's research to back up the whole grain/sugar dilemma. Just take a look. Hope you feel better soon.

Anonymous said...

Hope you get this sorted out Lyn, I'm rooting for you.

PaulaM

Anonymous said...

I agree that the time for talking is perhaps over. I am certain you get unwanted advice all the time. I'm sorry for adding to that. I have been reading you for years. I have eating distress too, but I am recovering. How?

1. Stop paying attention to food behaviours. Resolve to give up dieting forever. Seriously, it does not work. You can lose weight by dieting but you cannot heal the crazy by dieting, and eventually the weight comes back on. Dieting only works for people who aren't suffering Eating Distress. You cannot cure this condition with a diet. If ignoring the food means some crazy shit for a while, so be it. It might not actually be as bad as you think. Eat 3 meals and 3 snacks, mechanically. Eat what sounds good and would feel good to eat. Forget "good foods" and "bad foods". That is bullshit. Think "fuel".

2. Most importantly, meet ALL of your emotional needs. Do all the things (and if you don't know what they are, FIND OUT) that make you feel safe, comforted, happy, satisfied and well, every single day. This is a daily battle. Think of yourself as though you are one of your children and take care of yourself accordingly.

3. Talk kindly to yourself. Praise yourself - every little effort. Be your own biggest cheerleader. Give yourself credit for every achievement - getting up, taking a shower, looking after the kids, cleaning the kitchen - everything.

Just do this every day, forever. Nothing easy about it. But I find that when I am emotionally satisfied, and only I can give myself that, I am no longer consumed by that huge hunger that makes me want to eat myself to death.

A side effect of my mental recovery is that after a year I am finally losing weight. Without a diet or eating low fat or anything like it. And I have never felt better about my size or who I am.

I will pray for you. I want you to be free and know peace. Good luck.

Karen said...

Lyn,

First I can totally relate to every word. My sugar addiction just gets the best of me at times and I am like a junkie, willing to do anything to get it, and a lot of it. So you have my complete sympathy.

But unlike many of the others on here, I am not worried about you. I feel sure that in the next couple days something is going to click and you will be right back on track and will quickly lose any pounds recently gained. Unlike most people who lose 100 or more pounds, you have never gotten close to regaining all your weight (which I have done within a year every single time). I predict that although you will find you have gained a few pounds they will fall off quickly and you will be feeling 100% better within 2 weeks.

I am cheering for you because I KNOW you can do it.

lisa~sunshine said...

Lynn... I'm happy to see that you have posted.. I was really wondering about you before.. that's why I sent the other message...

please find a way to get yourself back.. I think you need to get on the scale.. there is no more denying what it says which is what I think was happening before..

You have to have a plan.. figure something out that will work for you...
It's obvious that the other plan isn't working...

keep us posted.. We all do really care about you..

hopefulandfree said...

leaving aside the food/eating/weight issues, which are none of my business, i'm sorry to hear you are suffering. the feelings you touch on in this post are real. real and extremely painful. letting yourself feel them might hurt like hell. worse than the headaches. you can avoid the painful feelings for a long time, and sometimes life doesn't give you a choice about taking time out to feel--or time to grieve. nobody else can know or decide what you are able to endure at this time. but. please know this: you are not alone. suffering is not a sin. please be loving and kind to yourself. <3

timothy said...

i agree get off the carbs! it makes the headaches go away TEMPORARILY but they come back.i know this may be simple and obvious but have you had your eyes checked lately. maybe these aren't the same headaches as before, eye strain can cause horrid pain. good luck darlin, i'm glad you're tryin to figure it out. xoxoxoxoxoxo

Stella said...

Please give OA another try. You are an addict (like me) and need to address your addiction.
There are lots of ways to do it.

I follow a food plan (nothing like a diet) and it's saved my sanity. Overnight I got relief from my compulsion.

I am not religious and am wary of cults. OA (or Greysheet) doesn't require religion.

OA works. Please give it another shot.

Anonymous said...

Do you have a creative outlet? Small thing, but helps shift focus and gives perspective...

LHA said...

Wow, there are a lot of suggestions here. I hope when you sort through them all you might find some of them helpful. All I have to add is that you have done an incredibly difficult thing in losing the amount of weight that you have. Struggling, unfortunately, is often part of the journey. I wish you good luck in forging onward, and have confidence that you will find your way. Think back over how far you have come and take your courage from that.

Anonymous said...

A simple comment this week from a woman I talk with in the locker room at the gym: She is the same age I am, 57. She has a lovely slim body, looks like a much younger woman. She said I found I was starting to gain weight, so I just started using a salad sized plate and eating less food. Boom, the weight came off.

I know we all talk endlessly about how to diet and what to eat, blah blah blah, but this struck such a chord with me, oh yes, that's right, it's the FOOD. All the rest is just overthinking and making this into something so much bigger than it is. The diet industry has women (and a few men) so messed up. If we only knew "the secret". The secret is eat less food. Anybody that is trying to sell you something, a book, a magic pill, the five key steps etc. is trying to make money from desperate people.

PaulaM (trying to eat less food and get lots of exercise)

Kimberly said...

Lynn,I have been following your blog for quite an while now, I too am fighting weight loss @ my highest weight I was 315lbs (SCARY!!) but now I'm down to 250lbs! it is hard and I have 4 kids so I know the everyday struggles, but today while I was reading your post something caught my eye and I was compelled to leave you an comment...

I noticed that you do use sugar-free "foods"...I too do this (alot) but I realized that most "sugar free foods" contain the word aspartame and I too suffer from headaches and such but I "Googled" aspartame side effects I found this website http://www.sweetpoison.com/aspartame-side-effects.html and lo and behold I found out that headaches is an side effect of consuming a lot of "aspartame" and that aspartame has like 92 different side effects...I thought that I might bring this to your attention...hope it helps, sadly thought I do still use "sugar free" we all have our struggles in this thing called weight loss!! Good luck Lynn, Keep it up!

Anonymous said...

Lyn,
I've just started reading your blog within the past month as I started MF. First off - thank you so much for your contributions of MF recipes and ideas. It's made my journey so far much easier.

I totally feel your pain in getting caught in a spiral that sounds like it is whirling out of control. A dear friend of mine says that we have to zig and zag our way through life until we come to our resting spot. In other words, I have had to experience every single ounce of both pain and joy to get to the point where I just stopped fighting with my sugar and carb problem. When I stopped trying to figure it out, MF came into my life and the struggle just stopped. There seems to be something in the nutrition of the products that make not only my body thrive, but the endless head noise just went away.

I have lived the sugar/no-sugar struggle from the age of 5 to almost 50. The headaches that you described were daily for me because I was suffering from either withdrawl or hangover. I'd promise myself daily that I wouldn't eat what I knew was killing me. By noon, I was in front on the bakery case begging for brownies. I ate out of the garbage, off the floor, and was completely obsessed with what other people were eating. The beginning of the end came in the rooms of OA and the resting place is finally with MF.

This was my experience. The only thing that got me off the roller coaster of hell was acceptance that there is something biochemical going on that I will never have the power to fix.

I trust completely in the wisdom of your heart and soul to guide you to where you are meant to be as you zig and zag your way to the truth of your own experience.