It has been awhile since I posted. I didn't realize quite how long.
One, I have been very busy with 4-6 hours/day of dog sports. Pup and I are exhausted. I have REALLY enjoyed it. Loved every minute of it. After each morning of sport, I have taken the kids back-to-school shopping or to other various activities like the county fair. I have been so busy I barely had time to think, and I like it that way. I like not sitting around worrying about food and diets and feeling sorry for myself for getting fat. I like being IN life and not a spectator anymore. I have had a WONDERFUL, enjoyable week!
Two, underneath it all I feel like I am imploding. The eating plan is not going well at all. The thing that makes my headaches go away is carbs, lots of carbs, and Coke, not diet. Once I found this out it became way too tempting to "fix" a headache with a sandwich and a Coke. Or a dish of ice cream. I don't really get why that kind of crap food makes the headaches go away, but it does. But then they do come back. So my meals have looked like this: breakfast is either a whole grain, protein-enriched waffle with natural, sugar free almond/flax butter and fresh local blueberries on top, or 2 free range eggs scrambled with a piece of whole wheat toast and a small glass of juice. I have coffee or tea with it. Lunch is whatever random thing I grab, like a sandwich or leftovers or a Carb Balance tortilla with meat, lettuce and tomatoes in it. Dinner has been insane... I have been busy, and have had a 6" steak sub a couple times or 2 slices of pizza or some of that stew I made. But in between, the *addiction* and almost inability-to-resist carbs/sweets is back. It is SO HARD to tell myself no lately. I pick regular Coke instead of Diet because it "fixes" the headache. I have an ice cream cone or a candy bar or some cookies because it is easy. I tell myself to eat a damn peach instead but I don't do it. It feels unhealthy, and icky, and bad, and although I have avoided the scale like the plague, I am pretty sure it ain't going down. My clothes are tight. This morning I had a closet crisis because the midsection bulge is back, and it looks horrid under 90% of my shirts now. I am taking Aleve on a daily basis for my joint pain. And I am feeling a bit unsettled about what to do about all this.
I had a dream last night... a vivid, emotionally heart-wrenching dream in which the two Big Things that drive my emotional distress were right before me. I know what they are; one of them is the age-old mother issue, which I thought I had long since gotten over but obviously it still drives me to some degree. The other, bigger thing, I don't blog about. But trust me, I know it. Oh, the tears I shed this morning waking up from that dream. And it is, in fact, those two issues (which are actually one and the same in a roundabout way) that give me a pit of the stomach, root of the soul panicky drive to eat. And eat. And eat.
No counselor is going to fix this thing. I have to fix it. It is not something I can "talk through" anymore than I have already done here and in my private journalings. It is an action issue. It may not be fully in my control, but avoidance by eating is certainly not the answer. But oh, how it hurts to not eat...
Food has no appeal to me, as I have mentioned some time ago. It is not a matter of my "wanting" pizza or cookies anymore. Somewhere along the last 6 months, that passed. When I eat them now, they just don't taste that good anymore. It is now a matter of a compulsion to fill that emptiness and drown out the fears and worries and emotional pain with *some other sensation.* I guess cutting or drinking or drugs would do just as well, but isn't eating the most convenient, socially acceptable thing one (especially a mother) can do to drown one's pain? That's why we're fat, I think...
If I can somehow get a grip long enough to get my cravings under control again, I can yank myself back onto the path to better health. I have to stop pretending this isn't happening.
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