This might not be a popular thing to say, because everyone (myself included) is about self-love and saying positive things about one's body, but this is something I *do* feel and need to deal with. It's reality.
I feel like I look sloppy right now.
I don't mean the kind of sloppy look I had at 278 pounds. I was never one of those ladies who dresses up and wears makeup and looks gorgeous regardless of her size. When I was morbidly obese, I pretty much looked like crap. I did not take very good care of myself (I will cut myself a break, though, as I was caring for a critically ill child and put myself on the back burner). I had a few 3X tee shirts I rotated through for tops, and a couple of them had stains on the front. I had 3 pairs of plain black stretch pants I wore, and black stretch capri pants for summer. They were baggy and saggy and did nothing for my figure, and often had large holes worn through between the thighs. I did not bother with makeup and did the very minimal amount of hair care possible. My "style" was sloppy, but my body itself wasn't, really. It was fairly smooth looking and the skin was tight and firm and I just looked morbidly obese.
But now, even though I dress nicer and care for myself better, I feel like my body has this sort of in-between-thin-and-fat sloppy look. Like, instead of smooth lines, I have more lumps in odd shapes. I have more hangy bits. My arms, my thighs, my hips all sort of sag. They do not have that smooth, flowing curvy look but have a lumpy bumpy hangy look. I don't like it.
This is a partial motivator for me to keep working on my weight. I do think as I lose more fat, the lumps will shrink a bit and maybe the skin will even tighten up a little as I do my skin care routine. As I lift weights and get into better shape, the muscles will also firm up and, I hope, give my body more definition.
I know I would look less sloppy if I got some new clothes, too. Right now I have nothing that fits right on my bottom half. Everything is too big (except for my long jeans but hey, it is 90 degrees, I am not wearing long jeans!) or too small (like the capri jeans I bought last month that no way, no how fit me). I could wear spanx and other shapewear, but at this point it's hardly worth it. It is hot and I don't really care *that* much what random people in a grocery store think. However, people, I desperately need to do something about the bra situation! I have lost many inches in the bust, and things are *not* in the right place right now! My bras are too big, and the sag makes me look sloppier. I have never gone for a bra fitting before, but I think it is time. Can anyone direct me to a decent place/chain where I can be fitted for a bra? I am nervous about it but my gosh, it just needs to happen if I am going to keep my girls from meeting my belly on a regular basis! Help?
Ah well. When I look in the mirror, I don't love the way my body looks right now, but I do appreciate all it does for me and how much improved it is from several years ago. It is a work in progress. I also need to work on my posture. I have noticed when I walk by mirrors that my posture sucks! I think at my high weight it just got too fatiguing to stand up straight, and now I need to pay attention and practice this. If you have any good posture tips I am all ears about that, too.
Thanks for listening to me rant! Sometimes, I think we stuff our thoughts and feelings down because what we feel is not *politically correct.* But I have learned something. Whatever I think and feel, it is valid for ME. And it is best to get those thoughts and feelings out, process them, bounce them off people, and readjust. I appreciate being able to do that here.
I am planning to try my hand at making carne asada on the grill today or tomorrow. I have no idea what I am doing, but I got some nice thin cut lean steak to try it with! Have a great weekend!
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