Friday, July 22, 2011

Changes Coming

I have some big changes coming in my life this fall, the main one being that my little one will be going to school full time. I admit I am a sad mess about it. I went through this nine years ago with my youngest son, who I thought (was sure) was my last child. When he went to first grade, it just tore me up emotionally. Something about our babies growing up and the seeming *finality* of them entering all-day school... it's hard on a mama. At the time, I was working, but it still just killed me that I no longer had a little one home for at least *most* of the day.

And now, here I am again, blessed to once again (and for truly the last time) be on the cusp of sending my youngest off to first grade. It is much more emotional for me this time. I am 42. There will be no more babies. This is it. And it makes me wish I could turn it back and have her home again for one more year. Then again, it will be kind of nice to actually have TIME again. Last year when she was in kindergarten, she was only gone for 2 1/2 hours Monday through Thursday, and LESS than 2 hours on Fridays, plus I worked (volunteered) in her classroom one day a week. That didn't leave a whole lot of time for me to get things done. If we walked to and from school it left me even *less* actual time. But now, this fall, I think I will have about 5 hours a day, four days a week to myself. (And when I say "to myself," I am not forgetting that actually I now have a puppy who I will be spending a lot of that time with!)

Big changes. Breaks my heart in one way... the ending of an era. Twenty one years of babies. Oh, that part isn't over. She is still my baby! I am still, above all, a Mom. But I have been thinking about what I will do with all this time.

I have a lot of medical stuff (for myself) which has been put off due to time/babysitter constraints, and that stuff is first on the agenda. If you've read for long, you know about my cancer scare and LEEP surgery and also the questionable spots on my mammogram some time back. I am overdue for another mammogram, reproductive exam, and a checkup on the fibroid/cyst issue. I also need to get an eye exam so I can get more contact lenses, and I need to have more allergy testing done so I can get allergy shots (I have life-threatening allergic reactions and have to carry Benedryl and an epi-pen with me at all times. It is no fun going to the ER for a reaction, believe me, so if the allergy shots can reduce my likelihood of death, I totally need to do that). I will also be signing up for more dog training classes (obedience, tracking, maybe some more agility, plus we meet up for dock diving with the local club) and those will be during the day. I will probably still volunteer in my daughter's class one day a week, and heaven knows I need to clean and organize my house on some regular schedule (maybe I will plan to organize one area every Wednesday for an hour, for example). I want to finish my kids' photo albums, I want to start exercising on a regular basis (more than just walking), I am considering finding a counselor to talk to about the remaining weight issues, and I also want to have some true ME time where I crate the puppy, turn off the phone, and just go somewhere out in nature to BE ALONE. I am so used to everyone needing something from me at any given moment that I need to reconnect with *myself* in peace without interruption. And, of course, there's the eating/weight loss stuff I want to focus on.

So there's a lot planned for September. I am not sure how I will get it all into place. I am thinking about actually scheduling all this stuff into a organizer so I don't end up wasting away my time wondering what to do (or surfing the web!) I also need to start generating an income! This is getting kind of urgent. I make enough on my blog ads to pay for my dog sports/expenses, but I think it is time to pursue book-writing and perhaps even putting some more ads on the blog. I know that sucks (the ads part), but I do spend a lot of time on the blog and if I can make a bit of income from it, that will help me be able to continue writing and being a Mom. I really do appreciate your support. Which, if you're so inclined, it would be awesome right now if you are not signed up for ebates yet, you could check it out through my link and see if it is something you'd like. (It pays cash back for shopping online at stores you probably already use, like JC Penney's, Sears, Old Navy, Buy.com, places like that. I use it, it is free, and they have a promo right now that you get $5 cash back or a $10 gift card by signing up through my link (ebates.com) and I get $5-10 for everyone who signs up. Sorry for the pimpage but I am hoping to make a little cash by having ebates on my blog!)

Wow... it has been almost 4 years blogging for me! And like every year, I am taking my kids camping in August. We always go to the coast and camp near the beach, go hiking in the forests, and enjoy each other for several days. In fact it was at the beach four years ago that I had my "I can't live like this anymore" moment, being unable to go down to the beach with my kids, and came home and started this blog. How far I have come in four years! How life has changed.

That's enough for now... will write more about my camping plans another time :)

9 comments:

ssm said...

My older boy is going into first grade and my younger one to preschool this September, so I feel you. It feels equally freeing and sad to have "so much" time (four hours a week?) to myself.

lisa~sunshine said...

I'm in the situation... my son went to Kindergarten which is a all day program here.. my daughter was home half the day since she did preschool.. this year.. my babies will start Sept 6th.. both being in full day Kindergarten and 1st grade.. I've just recently been thinking about what I am going to do with myself..

Anonymous said...

I would do anything to be able to have just one child and watch them grow and bloom into a wonderful person!

But I will NEVER get to experience being a Mommy.

Also, while hard to accept they aren't your "baby" anymore, the alternative to growing up is to, well, not be able to grow up.

Just something to think about!

WV: RUBME (what not being able to be a mommy does----RUBME the wrong way).

Lyn said...

Anonymous~

I am so sorry for your pain. I know this is not the same at all, only a fraction of what you are feeling, but I want you to know I relate just a little. There was a time I had one child, and was told I would likely never be able to have anymore. I grieved so deeply. I am an only child and never wanted that for my son. I know how very blessed I am to have them!

I have no idea your situation, but for anyone who cannot physically bear a child or cannot adopt for whatever reason, perhaps foster care is an option. Being the only loving parent a child has ever known is very rewarding, even if they are older. And you never know... I was given the option to adopt some of the fosters I had!

Thank you for the reminder that we should absolutely not take for granted what we have. Hugs.

lisa~sunshine said...

I'm going to agree with Lynn about the foster care.. Although I am blessed to have two children.. one of my children is adopted through the foster care system.. my daughter it took me over 11 years to have her.. I did IVF which failed.. went back and did a frozen embryo transfer.. got pregnant with twins.. lost a baby and was BLESSED to have my daughter.. so although I do have children.. I do feel your pain as well..

Lori said...

I never had children myself, but I cried when my nephews started first grade. It is hard. You'll be fine though.
Lori

LHA said...

Good luck on using your new free time productively. I crossed the bridge of sending my baby off to first grade quite a while ago and I do understand your feelings. Bittersweet to see them grow up, isn't it? I encountered some other life altering changes at the same time that my baby started school and it spurred me to start a business. It has prospered, grown much larger and has been quite an interesting adventure. You never know what the future will bring, even as you somewhat reluctantly enter a new phase in life. Best wishes on your journey!

Lisa said...

Anon - I can't have children physically, but we are about to adopt #5. There is ALWAYS hope to be a parent unless you have a criminal record. Being childless is a choice. Adopting from foster care is free and they have adoptive parents from all walks of life. Seniors, single parents, young people etc. There is no minimum financial requirement. It's better to focus on making your dream come true instead of putting down others for their life expereinces and thoughts.

Lyn - sorry to highjack your comment section. :)

LPRT said...

Lynn -

You are such an accomplished writer, you would makea mint if you write a book containing your journey. You blogs feed us all good thought every day- and I for one would buy a copy for posterity.