Isn't it crazy how "fat" and "skinny" are so relative? I remember not long ago when the thought of weighing 214 pounds made me giddy... how skinny I would be! Yet the thought of weighing even 195 pounds now seems so BIG to me. (Talking about MY body, not anyone else's, which is what makes it so relative I guess). It's all about where you've been. If your highest adult weight was 145 pounds and you find yourself at 165, you feel super fat. I have been there. Those were my numbers when I was 21 and lost a baby. I felt humongous, and having my father-in-law call me names and make fun of my weight just solidified it for me that I was, in reality, FAT. Well, 165 seems like a dream now. I have not been that weight in over a decade.
I had a friend once when I was in my 30's who was my age and also had children. I remember envying her ability to pull off really cute outfits and be the "cool mom" on the playground while I was trying to hide in my black stretch pants and tee shirts. She looked amazing to me. She probably weighed 140 pounds at about 5'7. One day at school she started lamenting how fat she is. I was shocked. Let me tell you, when you are morbidly obese, most people will NOT mention weight or size or the word fat around you. It is the taboo topic, I think, that the skinny people talk about when no really fat people are around. (I came to this conclusion when I lost 100 pounds and all the other moms who never knew me when I was obese talked to me and made comments with me present about weight and fat that I never, ever heard when I myself was obese). I told this friend, "You are not fat. You look great!" but she told me she is the fattest person in her family and her relatives were all making fun and telling her to go on a diet. I mean, this lady looked healthy! She did not even look like she needed to lose 5 pounds in my eyes. But in her eyes and the eyes of those people who mattered to her, she was fat. 140 pounds, 5'7, fat. And her feelings, while perhaps not medically accurate, were valid. We feel what we feel, even if our thoughts are skewed.
Without a number, I feel fat right now. Not in my head, because in my head I am in a good place... a more self-accepting place. I've even been wearing short sleeved tee shirts this week without stress, which is a huge deal to me. But my BODY feels fat. I hate having to stuff my "extra" into my pants that are a little tight. I feel heavier and lumpier than I want to. My body wants to be lighter. I am paying attention. I feel fat even though when I look at where I have been, I am almost thin in comparison. But add the number in there, which is 190 pounds right now, and the head games begin. 189 seems so much lighter when it really isn't. So I try to focus on how I actually feel in my body rather than my head games or scale numbers.
For me, 165 pounds will be thin. If I continue losing weight, 155 pounds will be thin and maybe 165 will seem fat. It's all quite variable. And valid.
That's all for now. I have a busy day ahead of me!
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