I really like blogging. It is so therapeutic and cleansing for me. I always post my most honest, raw feelings and thoughts, and this 'processing' by putting them into words has helped me more than I can say! So thank you for reading, and for the feedback you give.
The past week or so, I have been a little disconcerted about how I feel about my food. By "my food," I mean the foods I am currently eating that are on plan. On Medifast, aside from the 5 prepackaged meals, I eat fresh veggies, lean meats, and healthy fats. The fats and seasonings and condiments are limited, so the meals are pretty simple. Nourishing and basic but not so so super yummy that it kills you not to have seconds and you obsess all night about them (like fettuccine Alfredo or greasy sausage pizza or nachos... you know, those foods that just SCREAM to be binged on).
Eating this way forces me to see food as fuel and not as entertainment or comfort or anything else. Sure, it tastes good. Nothing wrong with getting pleasure from food. But it is not over-the-top. That is why I don't binge on Medifast. Like last night, I had a taco salad. I browned some 93% lean ground beef, measured out 5 ounces, cooked it with some fresh salsa, seasoned it with spicy Mrs. Dash, and put it over a large salad of spinach, Romaine, and cherry tomatoes. I added 2 tablespoons of Litehouse Light Salsa Ranch dressing. It was very good. It tasted fine. But let me tell you. It was NOT the OMG YUMMY, STUFF MYSELF kind of good you get from a restaurant taco salad in a deep fried tortilla bowl with tons of cheese, sour cream, and guacamole.
And so, the disconcerting part: I have stopped really caring about food. It is dramatic. It is like falling suddenly out of love with someone... maybe more like suddenly falling out of lust/infatuation with someone... particularly if that someone were a long distance pen pal who is in prison for murdering his ex wife. Know what I mean? Unhealthy relationship. Not real. But feels real and then suddenly you snap out of it and go OH MY GOSH WHAT WAS I THINKING?? Yeah, it's kinda like that.
I care that I have something to eat when I am hungry or when my body needs nourishment. I care that it does not taste disgusting. I care that it is good for me and leads to better health. But I no longer "care" about the food in such an intimate way that it is like a lover. You know what I mean if you ever went on a binge run and sat in your car eating donuts or candy bars. It is almost like a secret intimate relationship. Your heart races, you can hardly wait to pay the cashier and get to the car to make love to your stash. It's kind of sick, I guess. I hate that I used to do that in the parking lot under the glow of the grocery store lights. Yikes.
But I digress. My point is that food, for me, is either a party or a drudgery.
Eating cake and ice cream and chips is a big party!! Woohoo!!
Eating a bowl of lettuce with light dressing and grilled chicken is a drudgery. Blah. Do I really have to eat this?
I am working on getting somewhere in between. The taco salad last night was a good example. It was enjoyable ENOUGH. I didn't MIND eating it. It tasted pretty good. But if someone had come by halfway through my meal and knocked the bowl out of my hand, scattering the remnants of salad and meat across the floor for the dog to lick up, I'd have just shrugged and went on with my life. Not have taken their arm off while screaming like a banshee as I would have if the salad was a plate of Oreos back in the binge-days.
I used to be an awesome cook. A fantastic baker. I guess I still am, but I don't cook 'like that' anymore often enough to know for sure. Creamy rich sauces, casseroles heavy with cheese, potato-ey noodle-y things and fried things were my specialty. But now I know better, so I do better. I *can* use my culinary skills to make healthy recipes, but honestly right now I don't care to. Oh I make things for the family, for the kids, but usually the same rotation. Not much new. I used to mourn the loss of that part of myself... the lady who could make fantastic cakes and pies and cookie bars... but now, it's okay. I don't really mind anymore.
My LIFE can be the party now. I don't need a bowl of brownie batter to feel happy and excited and alive. I get that from being out in the sunshine with my kids or working on obedience with my dog or doing yard work in my back yard. I am okay with food being just "okay" and not orgasmic. I see now that THAT is part of breaking the obsession. Because the "party" food mentality... THAT is the obsession, the binge mindset that I want to get away from.
Scale this morning says: 186.
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