Thursday, June 2, 2011

Joy and Freedom

I looked in the mirror this morning and saw the skinny me. The one in the "100-pounds-gone" pictures there at the left. I saw her when I got dressed this morning, and it made me happy.

How is that possible, when just ten days ago I looked in the mirror and saw a huge, bloated, unhappy, aging, hopeless mess? How can I see the skinny me when I am still 16 pounds heavier than I was when those pictures were taken? I dunno, but I saw her, clear as day. I guess it means she is coming back.

I feel like her again, instead of feeling like the 278-pound wreck I was when I started this journey. It's not just about the weight, obviously. It's about a mindset... and it's also about how I physically feel. Before I started this journey, I was tired, achy, embarrassed, frustrated. And when I eat junky food, I feel that way again, even 100 pounds lighter. When I am eating well and not obsessing about food, the bloat goes away. The pain goes away. The embarrassment, the frustration, the exhaustion goes away. This up-and-down experience has taught me that "skinny" is not a number to me, but a feeling and a way of living. Not many people would call 175 pounds 'skinny', but to me, it is. It feels that way. I guess it's all in where you've been, and where you are. Don't you think?

My mind is clear now, and I don't think about eating junk anymore. The obsession has once again lifted and I have hope. I've made a new goal for myself, to reach a new low weight by my birthday in July. My old low on this journey was 175 pounds, so that means I'd like to weigh 174 or less by mid-July. Can I lose 20 pounds in 6 weeks? Yeah, I think I can. It's a bit of a stretch but I like stretches. I still have a bit of water weight that needs to drop off this week, and that will give me a head start. If I don't make my goal, I will come very close! It will be my birthday present to myself.

Some of the dinners I am eating while on Medifast:

5 ounces of lean grass fed beef steak with 1 cup steamed green beans and 1 cup mixed green salad
6 ounces of poached chicken breast with 1 cup of broccoli and 1/2 cup of cauliflower 'rice'
5 ounces of baked wild salmon with 2 cups of Romaine and 1/2 cup cherry tomatoes
6 deviled egg halves (made with lite mayo), a cup of steamed asparagus and a half cup of cucumber slices
7 ounces of Buffalo steak with 1/2 cup sauteed mushrooms, 1/2 cup of mashed cauliflower 'potatoes' and half a cup of steamed bok choy
fajitas made from 6 ounces of chicken breast strips, half a cup of mushrooms and a cup of red, green, and yellow bell peppers
2 small cans of tuna over a bed of 1 1/2 cups of shredded cabbage with light coleslaw dressing
cauliflower pizza
1 cup of Eggbeaters cooked with 1 cup of turkey sausage crumbles, 1/2 cup of cooked spinach, 1/2 cup of mushrooms, and 1/2 cup of pepper strips
5 ounces of lean pork chop with 1/2 cup sliced fresh tomatoes, 1/2 cup green beans, and 1 cup of mixed green salad
on and on... I love this way of eating and really enjoy it. It is very satisfying and I don't miss the grains at all.

The other day I saw a girl I've known since she was a little child. She went through a chunky phase in her childhood, and then got heavy in middle and high school. But she was always bright and happy and loved to dance. She has always been an amazing dancer at any weight. Well, she is in her late teens now and she has dropped a significant amount of weight recently. I watched her flit across the dance floor in her new body and I thought, wow. I wonder how she feels, being 40 or so pounds lighter and so much more agile and able to move. It makes me smile to think of how much freer she may feel and the joy she is getting from being able to move. I personally can tell you that moving your body rapidly at 190 pounds is way harder than it is at 150. Imagine carrying that weight as you leap across a dance floor. And then when it is gone, the freedom. I am really happy for her. She is a sweet girl.

You can have it, too. I can have it. I signed up for an agility class with my dog this summer. There is no way in heck I am going to be able to run or jog or compete in agility with my knees the way they are, but I can do the classes. I can walk pretty fast. I can be on my feet for an hour and keep up and have fun, all of which would have been impossible at 278 pounds for me. The freedom of a new, lighter body is amazing. The new life we can get by dropping weight is out there waiting for us. No, losing weight doesn't fix all our problems. Not even close. But the freedom... I cannot even express how much more freedom there is in movement, in ability, in less pain, in more confidence. Just being able to mop all the floors in my house or rake the leaves in the yard and ENJOY it is amazing. My wish is for all of you to get to experience it. Don't give up. Keep trying. You never know which 'try' is going to take.


Eschelle said...

I want that freedom, soon.... soon; i hope :)

CJ said...

I am very happy for you! It definitely is a mindset and I'm happy you got your mind back there. I look forward to watching you hit your lowest weight this summer!

Anonymous said...

I don't think I have ever commented on your blog, but i read almost every post.
I experience that cognitive dissonance too. I weigh 186 today, and have been over 200 for years. I am working at loosing another 30 pounds or so. 175 would be skinny to me too. I have days where I feel SO good now, where I feel thin, and healthy, and pretty. I have days where I feel fat and ugly and clumsy and depressed, even with my new weight loss.
I don't know why.
I have a friend who weighs less than 100 pounds. She confided in me that some days she looks in the mirror and hates herself because "her belly is so big." I cry when I think of it. I don't understand why we are so self critical and unhappy with how we are. I believe we are socialized to have a "perfect ideal" of an image of what beauty is, and it is like overcoming brainwashing to replace that image.
You are a real inspiration to me, and your honesty is so gut-wrenchingly touching and enlightening. I wish you all the best in your journey, and thank you so much for sharing it with us.
Your photos give me SO MUCH HOPE!!! You look fantastic! So glad you see that today!


BrendaKaye said...

"Nothing tastes as good as PEACE feels." Lysa Terkeurst. Lysa said this in a video I watched last night, and I thought of it when you said it's about a mindset and how we feel all goes together (mind, body,and spirit), and when it is out of whack we do not have peace.

bbubblyb said...

Boy how true is this post, thanks for writing it Lyn. To me, 175 is maintenance because from where I came from it does feel healthy and good to me. But just like you I have my days of thinking I need to lose more. Bottom line we do need to feel ok with ourselves I just wish it could be everyday and not just sometimes. Here's to all of use finding that inner peace and feeling beautiful EVERYDAY!!!

Princess Dieter said...

Yes, the skinny inner chick is back and soon the outer part will match the skinny inner chick and surpass her!

Love it.

And to me, after being 300 lbs, 175 IS SKINNY! Girl, heck yeah!

Hugs to you, skinny Lynny

Sarah With Love said...

Its great you can see the skinny you now. I think its because when you think of putting on weight it scares you that your going to fall back into old habits, and you see your old self as a reminder not to go back there.


Lori said...

I am 19 pounds away from 100 lbs gone. I'll join you in the quest to lose 20 lbs by mid July. We'll do it together!

losingitallandlovingit said...

I can't wait to experience that feeling of freedom! I have lost about 25 pounds so far and I can't wait until I hit my goal of 100.... My weight holds me back from enjoying so many things. I never enjoy anything publicly because I am too busy dreading what everyone thinks of me as I walk by.

I hate that people look at me and think that I most likely no do nothing but eat & sit on my ass in front of the TV, when in reality I used to have trouble making myself eat and I haven't even watched tv in 13 years.

Wenonah said...

Thank you for your blog. It is a wonderful inspiration to me. Your comment about not knowing which try was going to take hit home today in particular.

❦ fitcetera said...

It took eliminating grains, legumes and sugars for me to finally feel at peace with food and no longer experience the insanity of having to fight (and lose) the binge monster over and over again.

I LOVE eating this way too but couldn't get to it with the grains in the way. I thought they were 'good' for me but they were sabotaging my weight loss AND health.

I believe the problem is finally solved and now I just have to live my program one day at a time and I will finally, FINALLY rid myself of all this fat without having to constantly struggle with an out of control appetite that was brought on by too many carbs -- no matter how "healthy" they're touted as being.

I'm so happy that you've stuck it out for these past years as it's taught me to hang in there too.
Lyn, it's going to be fantastic to see you reach goal this year!!!

Vee and the Kid said...

What an inspiration. I want to dance too.

Thank you. Vee at

Allison said...

Reading this post, it even reads differently than some of your posts over the past few months. There's a calm confidence present throughout. I'm not reading any insecurity or uncertainty like I've noticed in the past few months- instead I'm noticing a even, thoughtful tone. You sound grounded and like you're not fighting yourself. It sounds like you're in a good place with both your body and your inner dialogue. Good for you.

timothy said...

you are such a dear and you inspire and amaze me all the time! i too revert when i get off plan, kinda makes sense you eat crap you feel like crap, you eat healthy you feel healthy. why the heck does it take soooooo long to "get it"? lolol i blame genetics i can't be this damn pretty AND smart! LMFAO

Karin said...

Every time I read your blog I feel "re-encouraged" and I so appreciate that about you. You're so IS a mindset! Thank you for sharing :)

Debbie said...

It's great to hear the hopeful and positive skinny girl's voice again. I love it that you hang in there and keep encouraging everyone to do the same. We may not reach our goal tomorrow, but with a healthy lifestyle we will get there.