I have been floating for a long time in the grey area between thin and fat. Yes, I know I am technically still "fat," but I am talking about a mindset and a feeling and the way my body looks and acts. Look at the pictures there on the left... the ones I took when I reached 178 pounds. To me, that is my "thin" body. At 178, or 175 as I lost a bit more, I felt like a very "normal" weight person wherever I went. My weight very rarely impacted anything I wanted to do. I could fit into all my clothes and look pretty darn good and feel good about what I saw in the mirror.
Then there is my "fat" body. This is where I am more comfortable. It is more familiar to me to be "fat." I have realized that my body feels and looks "fat" rather than "thin" to me at about 192 pounds. When I weighed in the mid-190's (recently), I had extra padding all around my hips and middle. My clothes felt tight and I had a bulging muffin top. It was actually harder to move with just that extra 20-ish pounds on my body. Everything on me felt softer and squishier and when I looked in the mirror I saw bulges here and there. And I felt rather disgusted at my body and myself. And oddly enough, THAT is the feeling I am most comfortable with. Disappointment, disgust, and feeling fat and out-of-control.
I have noticed as I am losing weight this time that as the fat melts off my body once again, I get to a point where I am in the "grey area" between my thin body and my fat body. I reach this point at about 187 pounds. I lose the extra fluff. My clothes start fitting me better. The muffin top is GONE and my waist suddenly returns, giving me the hourglass curvy figure people admire. It is easier to move. I don't look like I've gained a bunch of weight. And the bones start to reappear... just barely.
I have written before about how I had an intense emotional reaction the first time I noticed my bones showing through my fat. I almost had a breakdown about it. Hip bones, wrist bones, and at 175 pounds, rib bones started to show and be able to be felt easily. Somewhere in the back of my mind, bones = death. I had to work through that association. It was causing me to regain/lose/regain/lose as my subconscious kept trying to get me to re-cover those bones in fat in order to relieve the intense distress and dying-person-memories they dredged up.
So now, at 186 pounds, I am in that grey area once again where I am not quite "thin" with bones poking out and I still might look slightly pregnant in the wrong pants, yet I am not bulging out of the seams of my shirts anymore. This is my comfort zone. This is where I have gotten stuck since last fall, losing and gaining 10 pounds on either side of 186 for months. Some people might call it a set point, but I think it is all mental. Change is HARD. Breaking though and leaving the old familiar 'self' can be scary. And if 175 is scary to me now, I can only imagine the feelings I will have to cope with as I reach lows I have not seen in 20 years: 165, 155, maybe 145. THAT is why the weight comes off slowly and in spurts for me. I am doing that mental work that is absolutely essential for long-term success, as I go down the scale.
I feel ready to finally leave this grey area and embrace my "thin" body. I am ready, finally, to say goodbye to that past version of Lyn that was hiding behind a pan of brownies and doing the best she could to cope with immense life stresses... using binge eating as a coping mechanism just to survive. Farewell, dear one, you did the best you could with what you had. I am stepping forward in courage *without* the fat suit.
Food on the Brain
1 day ago