How is it that food can haunt us?
It does. It haunts me sometimes, even when I am doing great and not really craving anything and not even hungry much, like now. Yet it can dance in my head because of *exposure*... a trigger of some kind, like the sight or smell of food... and at the end of the day, I FEEL BAD BECAUSE I CHEATED. (Yes, I call it cheating when I eat something I didn't intend/plan/truly want to eat, because when I do that I am cheating *myself.*)
Now, the important point here is that I feel bad for doing something I didn't even do. How crazy is that? It happened today but I caught it. Thus the blog post. It has happened before, when I actually ate one or two extra things in a day and at the end of the day I was lamenting how I "ruined" my day and ate so much and surely am doomed to obesity forever, and then when I go and add up the actual calories in what I ate, it is reasonable. Not nearly as much as I'd imagined. It's like the food thoughts are bigger than life.
Today I was at a party. I knew there would be food, so I just drank a shake beforehand and figured if they had anything on plan like veggies I would eat that. Well, they had veggies alright... plus dips, potato chips, Doritos, cheese puffs, freshly fried chicken nuggets and mozzarella sticks, little smokies in barbecue sauce, many kinds of cheeses, crackers, sugary punch, cake, taco dip, Fritos, and candy. I will tell you that fried stuff is my major weakness and all that stuff was in open bowls on a huge table right where we were standing for about 2 hours. I spent quite a bit of time glancing at and smelling those chippy things and fried things. I watched just about everyone else at the party eat that stuff. And yes, I wanted it. At first it was a mild interest. But as the hours went by it became harder and harder to resist until I was actually wondering if I could get away with putting a Dorito in my mouth and sucking off the powder and then spitting the rest of the chip in the trash. I didn't do it, though. I ate about a cup of veggies: cherry tomatoes, broccoli, and celery dipped in about 2 Tbsp of Ranch. When I got actually hungry I ate 2 slices of cheese. I drank water. I went about my day. I ate healthy. I was very busy all evening, but somehow all that food kept haunting me and dancing in my head. I remembered every smell and how every chip looked. I was not craving it badly enough to go binge, but it was nagging me.
I ate my Medifast bar and then, at 10:30pm, I ate one Kraft 2% American singles cheese slice. And then I thought, gosh. I had such a horrible, off plan, screwed up eating day! I will probably gain 2 pounds overnight from this. I ate so much. Ugh!
And then I got a bit of reality. Hello, *thinking* about Doritos all day is not the same as eating them. Thinking about them has no calories. The only thing I ate off plan today was 1) a higher fat dressing than usual, and 2) some higher fat cheese than usual (although I counted it towards my lean, so the only thing 'off' was the fat content).
I had a good day. I did great with what I had, and I am ready for another good day tomorrow. I won't let those silly food mirages haunt me anymore. It only counts if it actually goes in my mouth and stays there!
A Message to Open my Eyes
6 hours ago