Saturday, June 18, 2011

Crackers

Today at the grocery store, they were giving out free samples. A LOT of free samples. Nothing I could eat and stay on plan. At the end of every aisle there was a sample table. I was doing okay until I got to the table with little scoops of FREE ice cream. Not just any ice cream, but a premium ice cream in my favorite flavor: chocolate peanut butter. Well that sucked, but I walked by. I didn't crave or want it and I had no problem leaving it alone, but it set me on edge with those "dammit, I just want to eat ice cream instead of salad!" thoughts. Then in the next aisle they had cracker sandwiches with bacon cheese spread in the middle. I almost cussed in my head. I was fine. I didn't even really WANT one. I didn't crave it, my mouth didn't water (unlike the past, when I have been struggling and not firmly on plan/low carb, it has been HARD and I had to fight myself to get away from it.) This time, it was just thoughts. The whole way through the store I was thinking about how if I could get away with it, I would eat junk food all day every day. In the car on the way home, I was thinking how maybe when I get all the weight off I could find a way to eat 1200 calories a day of crackers and ice cream and not regain (of course I know THAT is not possible for me, because there IS no 1200 calories of junk for me. There is only 3000+ calories of junk!) I even glanced at McDonald's on the way home, where I have not gone in more than a year and a half, and imagined how "nice" a cheeseburger would be. Yuck! I don't even want that anymore! Yet there is this 'food memory' in my head that pops out and reminds me of how "nice" it used to be to eat whatever I craved, in whatever quantity I desired. It is very, very important to remember that the consequences of those actions were far from "nice." Heart palpitations lying on a metal table in the ER, hobbling across the beach to tell my kids we needed to leave because my knees hurt, knocking things off shelves with my ample hips in a store sending glass crashing to the ground, waking up choking on my own reflux-vomit at night, trying to hide the huge holes between the thighs of the black stretch pants I had to wear, huffing and puffing after my toddler as she darted dangerously close to a street and depending on a stranger to grab her for me, breaking a chair at a baseball game, sitting on the sidelines of life... all not "nice." Not the life I want anymore. It horrifies me that I lived that way and almost, ALMOST *stayed* that way... had I not started this blog in 2007 and taken control. I would still BE there. It truly horrifies me how close I came to not choosing this path.

Those stupid cheese crackers? They look good. I want some. Heck I want a whole box. But I want my LIFE more.

13 comments:

Lori said...

It is so important to remember those consequences. I get nostalgic for food to. I remember the good ole days when I ate anything I wanted, but then I realize that never was true. I never really ate everything I wanted. When I did, at best I felt bad about myself, and at worst I did physical harm to my body.

IDK if there will ever come a day when I can eat a little treat here & there and not trigger a relapse. I'll find out when I get there. For now, I have to concentrate on getting there.

We both will.
Lori

Rian said...

Good girl. I'm proud of you. It's not easy.

BrendaKaye said...

http://refusetoregain.com/refusetoregain/2011/05/whats-your-fiq-take-the-quiz.html I don't know if this link works, but Dr. Berkeley has an excellent post and follow post on new and old eating habits. I saw the link on Vicki's Baby Steps V blog. I have been wondering if I will ever be able to eat small amounts of junk and not gain all my weight back, and this article talks about that. I have been nibbling a lot here and there, and I've got to get back to clean eating to keep losing...and no doubt to maintain if I ever get there!

hopefulandfree said...

it's not about the food, it never was.

Anonymous said...

I know I can never eat sugar again. I kept trying and ended up dieting for 50 YEARS. Yes it's true and sad.

I finally got it through my head that I am not a person who can eat "a little" bit of trigger foods. I was sad for a while and went through the 5 stages of grief over junk food- how stupid but it worked.
We have a chronic disease- face it and learn how to live with it. Just my humble opinion.

samiam4eva06 said...

This post was amazing. Your brain and my brain must have the same frequency sometimes! Its ridiculous. Head hunger sucks and kudos to you for beating it!!

Niecy said...

Your motivation inspires me. Those are two of my favorites too - ice cream and crackers, not necessarily together, but I love them both.

Gerri said...

This is so exactly what this journey....sometimes struggle is...Making the choice to live the life we dream of and breaking the habit of junk! Great job Lyn! You're my inspiration!

Tammy said...

Way to go! You conquered every darn aisle of temptation. Hmmm, maybe that can be a new reality show, instead of Temptation Island, now watch Temptation Aisle. You would win!

Liv said...

I love that line "I want life more"...it's so true! The food pales in comparison to what we gain when we stay on track, right? Check out a new show that has really helped me gain some perspective...Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition (Monday nights on ABC at 10pm/9c). One person per episode and you really see what is at stake: health, family, their LIVES if they don't stay healthy.

Thanks for the reminder! We can use it! And good for you!

timothy said...

evil crabs, biscuits are my downfall. i grew up eating them everyday of my life, of course when i lived on a farm and worked hard it wasn't a problem! damn sedentary existence. lolol

Debbie said...

Brilliant post and a fantastic reminder to all of us who face the same temptations and have the same soundtrack playing in our brains. Bravo for sticking to your plan and choosing a better life over a cheesy snack.

Vickie said...

I switched stores over the sampling thing. It was too stressful.