Sunday, June 19, 2011

Battle with a Peanut Butter Jar

Yesterday, my PMS abated and I started to feel better, but I also had some minor stress/inner conflict that caused me to have a stare-down with a peanut butter jar. I always have several kinds of peanut butter in the house: all natural, mixed almond/cashew natural, crunchy Jif for the teens, and creamy Jif just because I have never had a life without creamy Jif and my younger kids also love it. And since it fits into my plan in moderation (1 Tbsp as a snack, once per day if I want it), I like having it there. I like putting a little on a protein-packed pancake or in a shake or on celery. I haven't had a problem with the Jif before, even though I used to eat it by the 1/2-cupful in my previous life. I have, however, almost had to stop buying the natural stuff. I ate a whole small jar of it at one point this winter. In one sitting.

Anyway, I was mad about the crackers yesterday but successfully avoided them, but the Jif was starting to get to me. I was making sandwiches for my daughter and it smelled so delicious on that whole wheat bread. I put some in my shake. I had a little lick off the spoon (all measured and on plan). But once that tablespoon was gone, I wanted more.

I ended up standing in the kitchen having a face off with a big red-labeled jar on the counter and the smell of peanut butter lingering in the air. I know it was the "gateway" to a binge. I know how it goes with me; a few bites off plan and then I have to fight the huge waves of disappointment and frustration in myself that come after and the binge thoughts that follow.

I ate an extra half tablespoon of Jif. I felt mad at myself. I talked myself through it in my head:

"I always want to overeat when I am about to drop weight. For some reason I am still afraid to lose this weight. I do not need to be afraid. I am not fragile. I do want this. For some reason I subconsciously enjoy the battle more than the reward. This has to stop. There is no reason to keep cycling within the same 10-15 pound range. My body is tired of this. I have to stay in control and not let this overtake me."

So I did. I stayed coherent, did not succumb to the giant, sucking vortex of binge behavior. Instead, I swam to shore.

I feel much better this morning. The scale rewarded my valiant effort with a loss this week: -2 pounds, despite PMS all week. I now weigh 187 pounds and am 13 pounds from a new low. And for perspective, I am down 11 pounds in the past 3 weeks. Twenty one days on plan.

Do not let the peanut butter jar win. You can beat this thing!

Hug your father today if you can.

12 comments:

❦ fitcetera said...

The paragraph that begins ... "I always want to overeat when I am about to drop weight ..."
THAT is what happens to me EVERY.SINGLE.TIME.
I was close to my new low for this year when I succumbed to a binge and then another. Both the last time I hit 213 in April and this past week when I hit it again.
No only is my body tired of the cycle, my poor mind and esteem is tired of it too.

I put the scale away last night because I knew that the numbers would probably not be what I wanted to see and would only tire me out. I have to focus on other aspects of this fight right now, namely eating on plan and resisting the urge to overeat each and every time I'm tempted to do so.

Fight the good fight, Lyn!

Dawn said...

I totally get this because I struggle with conversations in my head with forbidden foods.
However I live in UK and have never seen peanut butter eaten nor even tasted any myself. Creamy jif is a bathroom cleaner in UK.
Peanut butter IS available in shops and I refuse to go near it as I expect I might adore it. Similarly when I was 21 I said, as I hadn't tried a cigarette by that age, I decided I never would. Giving something up is harder than never trying it. Unfortunately I have plenty of my own temptations foods so know exactly how much of an achievement ignoring this was
Dawn

Lori said...

Good for you!!!
Lori

Anonymous said...

Congratulations on winning, Lyn!

Debbie said...

Bravo! You are telling my story, I feel like you crawled inside my mind and know everything about me. I've been having such a hard time lately and reading your post it just hit me: I am afraid of reaching the 100 lbs. lost mark. I've been within 5 lbs. for more than a month, teetering back & forth a pound or two. What am I afraid of? I just have to look this fear in the eye and slay that last 5 lbs. Thanks for the insight!

Melanie said...

Oh, Lyn. I so understand. Peanut Butter is a HUGE problem for me. At this point, I only keep natural peanut butter in the house for my kids, and I haven't tried it yet. I'm afraid that it will be a problem for me too.

Since, according to Dawn, Creamy Jif is a bathroom cleaner in the UK, perhaps we should think of peanut butter as a bathroom cleaner whenever we're tempted by the binge monster!! :)

Miss April said...

I totally understand what you go through with that jar! PB is the devil and its so versatile, I can think of 8 ways to binge on it in no time. Good for you, you are on your way to the new low and will only get better from there!

Anonymous said...

I just wish it wasn't so hard for you. You try so hard. I'm so proud of you.
Kori from Newfoundland

Anonymous said...

I had my own urge to binge eat yesterday and sadly, I was not as strong as you are. I'm glad to see that others go through this battle and come out victorious on the other side. Sometimes I think I am destined to always be fat ... but I know I just use that as an excuse because there are many who struggle just as hard (if not harder) who find a way ...

I had never thought about the self sabatoge angle before ... but I think that may be happening to me as well. I don't know what exactly I am afraid of if I lose the weight (maybe that I won't look as good as I do when I picture myself at that weight in my mind?) -- but I do tend to shoot myself in the foot every time I have a measure of success at losing weight...

Lyn said...

Anonymous~

keep working at it. You are not destined to be fat! I used to wonder the same thing. It is a hard battle but this IS doable. It took me over 3 years to get to this point but it is so worth it. Hang in there... your life is so worth it!

Karen said...

Yahoooo! Good for you. It seems like the times where you are sick or under the weather are the times that "open the gate". Congrats for not walking through the open gate. Doing the happy dance for you Lyn. :)

Leslie said...

21 days on plan is fantastic, Lyn. I haven't been near that in 3 years. But I want to tell you that your recent posting is giving me courage to get more honest in my own writing about my food addiction. That's important.

The word verification below is
e-x-c-a-l. Like "ex out those calories"! Easier said than done!