I have to clear something up. Just to be fair, and as I always try to be, honest and transparent.
My weight gain over the past 2 weeks (mostly this week) has NOT been from "eating real foods again." It has not been because I was on a low carb low calorie diet (which, by the way, included a lot of "real foods" like fresh veggies, lean meat, eggs, tofu, olive oil, etc) and suddenly added back in 2 servings of fruit and 2 servings of dairy. No.
I can see where you might get that idea. Some who read sporadically may not know I was already out of the "mild ketosis" state that eating 85-100 grams of carbs per day puts you in, which helps with weight loss. I had already been screwing around eating a piece of toast here or a cookie there and so had *already regained* that water weight everyone gains and loses with the start and stop of a low carb diet of any kind. I can also see where you'd assume the rude awakening I got from the scale yesterday was from my body getting used to adding back in more carbs and calories. But it's not.
No. See, and it's my fault you think that because I didn't blog last week. I was too busy flipping out.
If you are easily triggered, stop here and skip down to the next row of asterisks.
Some of the things I ate last week:
pepperoni pizza (2 slices)
a hot dog, Coke, bag of chips
several candy bars at once
a pint of Haagen Dazs ice cream
5 slices of lemon pie (in one day)
3 donuts (at once)
several lattes, frappuccinos, and iced coffees from various coffee houses... most not sugar free
4 or 5 slices of a really *not good* cheapo bakery cake
6 or 7 brownies out of a pan I made
cheeseburger, fries, Pepsi
a large bag of corn chips
another pint of ice cream
a lot of cheese
a lot of nuts and chocolate chips
a chimichanga with meat, beans, cheese, sour cream
French bread with butter
a couple of bratwurst on buns with mustard
a soft serve ice cream cone
a sub with meat, cheese, and mayo with a bag of chips
several servings of greasy mac and cheese
half a bag of Easter candy
and probably some other things I don't even remember. Plus "normal" food and a smattering of Medifast meals during the 2 or 3 hours a day I tried to keep it together.
So, I have been bingeing. Yes, I have to admit that this is not just "a little indulgence" or a "bit off plan." I have been eating a LOT. Not as much as I used to before losing weight. But it is heading that direction. And yes it made me feel sick, and no I did not enjoy much of it. I was sort of going through the motions of eating all this stuff but not really liking it and hating that I was doing it. I have always said it was a form of self abuse and I think that's true.
I also have been thinking about why, how I feel, what's different.
Well, a couple things. I lost 100 pounds and my life is not magically a superlife. Oh, yes, it is far far better in a lot of ways, but some basic stuff that was wrong before and had nothing to do with weight is still sitting there needing to be dealt with. It is very uncomfortable having to deal with that stuff so instead I have been hyperfocused on food. I think about dealing with some uncomfortable thing I'd rather put off, and then suddenly I start obsessing about "hmm what food would I like to eat? ohhh I want a (insert unhealthy yummy food here)" and then I have to spend an hour figuring out what exact type I want, where I will get it, where I will put the kids and the dogs so I can go buy it, where I can eat it without anyone watching me. And then I have to get it, eat it, remorse about it, and as soon as the next thing I need to deal with pops up I can hyperfocus on the next food OR my "diet."
Also, the arm thing. It is insane. I mentioned it before. Last summer I was FINE. In fact all my life, at every weight, I have been FINE about my arms. I have even gone out in public in a swimsuit at 278 pounds. I didn't LIKE how I looked but I didn't really care what anyone else thought either. I am not sure what changed but it is dramatic. Suddenly I am so, so self conscious about my arms. *I* think they look horrible. But still, I always thought parts of me looked horrible in a swim suit but I still went swimming... so I don't know what is going on with me now. It was 70 degrees yesterday and there I was in a long sleeved sweater all day, sweating, very uncomfortable, but I just could not bring myself to wear a tee shirt. I tried putting one on last week, in the bedroom, and I almost felt panicky when I thought about going out in public in it. In my head, I feel like I have a relatively normal looking body and then I have huge, puffy, I mean GIGANTIC arms. The image in my head is a normal body with the arms of a 400 pound person attached. I was never 400 pounds. But the image in my head says my arms look so out of proportion that people will gasp and stare. It's like when I have my arms covered people will not notice me, or just think I am a "normal weight" person... but when I have my arms exposed they will suddenly see that I AM FAT. It's like my arms are a glaring neon sign for the world to see: "I AM FAT, I WAS MORBIDLY OBESE, I HAVE EATING ISSUES." I know it makes no sense but there it is, it's how I feel, I am trying to work through it, maybe gather the courage to wear a tee shirt because there is NO WAY I can go through a 100+ degree summer with long sleeves. Anyway it's been very upsetting and has become another link in the distraction chain...
should deal with some important thing > omg my arms are so huge omg omg > eat eat eat
See? That way I avoid the important/unpleasant thing and instead get to deal with something I *know* how to deal with. Something more comfortable and familiar. Food issues.
So that's where I've been. Where I am now is trying to put the brakes on the reactive eating and working on healthier ways to cope. And I AM working on it, every day. I also have committed to weighing every day this month because I have really got to stay on top of this before it gets out of control. I still feel like this is something I can fix. I believe it. And writing this post was step one.
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