Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Taking It Back

I didn't give in to that latte and cupcake I blogged about earlier today. Oh, it was a close battle there for awhile. I actually found myself thinking that maybe I *did* want the cupcake more than I want to lose weight, but that's not really true. That's just the cravings talking. Your comments helped... lots of insights and things for me to think about. And after I blogged, I took the pup out for yet another 1-mile walk, came home, did some cleaning, and promised myself that if I could tough it out til 3 o'clock, I would make myself an iced mocha out of Medifast hot cocoa and coffee. I made it through, whipped up my iced mocha and out the door I went to pick up my daughter from school, enjoy playgroup, run her to her dance class and try on her recital costume, and then bring her home for dinner.

And let me tell you, it was touch and go all evening. I wanted to eat a bunch of crap SO BADLY. I ate some extra chicken, plain. I ate one ounce of cheese, and one fresh strawberry. I mixed up a Medifast chocolate pudding and stuck it in the fridge for later. And now I am okay.

Let me be frank. I want cupcakes. But I also want to feel better about my body. I want my knees to stop hurting. I want to stop eating in secret and hiding my intake from my children and feeling terribly guilty eating in front of my puppy who sits in front of me and stares. I want to get back to not feeling embarrassed of myself. I want to drop 20 pounds, pronto. A.S.A.P. Right now. And that ain't gonna happen with a cupcake.

I think it is awesome that some people *can* have one cupcake and still lose weight. But I am an addict. One cupcake is never, has never been, enough. I always go back for more. Yes, I go back to the store multiple times per day for *more junk.* It makes me sad. I want to be free again.

I want to get this damn thing done already and I am, right now, using Medifast to do it. If I can just tough it out for a couple of days while the sugar gets out of my system, the rest will be so much easier. I want that back. I am taking it back right now.


*FTC-required disclosure: Medifast provided me with its products for my personal use for free. I am not paid or compensated in any other way for mentioning their products.*

12 comments:

Kari said...

Perhaps I'm feeling bold because there are no other comments, but I hope you make it. I'm rooting for you all the way. It was your blog that got me into trying to lose weight, and believing in you made me think I could believe in myself. I haven't given up on you just like I'm not giving up on myself...you can do it! You can kick this thing's ass! Go Lyn go!

Bonnie said...

Lyn, what else do you do for YOU other than diet? It strikes me that you do everything for others but nothing for yourself. Do you go to movies without the kids? Take a class? Go out with friends?

Lou Ann said...

Hi Lyn,

I have been a follower of your blog for a couple of years now and you have been such an inspiration to me because of your raw honesty. I just wanted to comment and tell you that I am truly understanding your frustration with the cravings. For me (and it has taken alot of soul searching and years of figuring it out) it is more about an "issue" I do not want to face rather than the food, because the food just makes it easier for me to ignore the issue than to face it head on. Believe me I have been where you are and it is tormenting. I know you can turn this around but you definetly need to look at what is going on in your life and address those "issues". It is hard and it is no fun, but you have to go through the valley to reach the mountain top and believe me you will get stronger for it.....I am rooting for you all the way. You are worthy of it!

Crys said...

Cupcakes are not fair; they're little, cute... total bs. Good for you for not giving in!

Lyn said...

Thank you Kari! I need the cheers; they help me feel empowered :)

Bonnie~

I was pretty focused on the caretaker role with 5 kids and being a single Mom for most of their childhood, and have done nothing at all for myself until I took on this weight loss/health issue. In January, though, I got a puppy with the goal of entering the competition dog sport world. So that's what I do in my "spare" time, when I can find it! I am in classes with my dog now working towards obedience and tracking titles and I just love it. It gives me a fun hobby and I use training as distraction from eating. This week was tough because she got spayed and is on restricted movement and can't run or jump. In fact I had my cupcake breakdown last week when I had to leave her at the vet.

Lou Ann~

amazing how when I get away from the food and it is not my focus, those issues start coming to the surface to be worked out. Very true.

crys~

it really doesn't help if a cupcake SHOP opens up near your house!!

Anonymous said...

Hi Lyn,

You are in my prayers and thoughts. I wish the best for you. I have such great respect for your honesty and perserverance. I truly believe that you will succeed. Thanks for being such an inspiration for others.

Sarah said...

Have you ever tried Overeaters Anonymous? They have phone meetings in addition to face to face meetings. I have only recently started going but I find that they help me a lot. It is something you might consider, as they recognize the addictive power of food. At a minimum, it is nice to just feel understood.

Sarah said...

PS Should have said this in my original post -- I echo what others have said. Your raw honesty has
1. Helped me to realize things about myself and my own issues.
2. Has been a strong source of hope and inspiration.
3. Has absolutely placed me firmly in the "Camp Lyn" category -- I have the utmost respect and am totally rooting for you! You can and will do it, simply because you DO. NOT. GIVE. UP.

Anonymous said...

Lyn,
Just thought I would add that weight gained quickly as during your last binge is also lost quickly if you get right back on track. I recently went on a 2 week vacation that included a cruise after losing over 100 pounds. I enjoyed every part of it and ate, ate, and ate. When I returned home I had gained 16 pounds back. (I didn't even regret the weight gain) I got right back to my weight loss strategies and within 3 weeks I lost all that vacation weight.
You've got this!!!!!

Christine

Anonymous said...

I know what you mean about cupcake shops, but I'm working on fighting that urge with healthier muffins or protein pancakes. I can take a baking mix, add a scoop of protein powder and some fruit, and make up a much healthier/ filling cupcake. If you want to make a whole batch, nut flours can be quite healthy.

dsbride said...

Not only do we have a cupcake bakery here, it won the Cupcake Wars on TV! And to top it off, my husband won a gift certificate to it! Talk about temptation. How do I resist this?

Cris said...

I know that this is an old post, but whenever I am feeling weak, or bad about myself- I come read it.

You're amazing and you will make it happen!

:)