My keyboard is still working only intermittently (certain letters) but I am going to try and get this post up, with the help of Virtual Keyboard and spellcheck.
All week I have been sort of messing around with my eating plan, watching portions, watching carbs, avoiding junk and generally just trying not to eat crap food. As of Thursday I was down four pounds. Yesterday I ate some junk instead of dinner, though. I hit the convenience store for junk. I did it out of stress... no excuse, I just gave in because I wanted to use food for stress relief. I didn't weigh this morning but will tomorrow.
The other day I went into a very large room that just happened to be well lit and have one entire wall completely lined with mirrors. I tried not to look, but it was unavoidable. There is no getting around it... I look bad. It doesn't help that I have taken to wearing baggier pants because the tighter ones are just a bit too snug for comfort. The jeans I had on yesterday hung off my body and I kept having to hike them up. However there is no mistaking the fact that I have gained weight. I also happened to be standing near a lady who I would describe as "much larger" than me at this time, yet in the mirror she did not LOOK much larger. She looked BETTER. I know we have completely different builds (apple vs pear) and she was dressed nicely and has thin legs, but seriously, last fall I looked so much better than I do now. It is kind of depressing.
I feel very unfocused about my eating without having a strict, line-in-the-sand plan, yet when I have one I cross the line. I am dissatisfied with a lot of aspects of my life right now and the way I feel about my body is just a symptom of that. The loss of control and uncertainty about how to eat mimics how I feel about other things in my life that I am trying to fix. Fix my life. Yes, that is the issue, I think... so many things I want to fix, and feeling quite disjointed about how to do it.
Regardless, the image of my not-svelte-looking self in baggy clothes in the mirror is one I will not soon forget. I hope it will drive me to continue this renovation of my eating, my body, my life.
Food on the Brain
1 day ago