Saturday, May 7, 2011

Fixing Things, and a Reality Check

My keyboard is still working only intermittently (certain letters) but I am going to try and get this post up, with the help of Virtual Keyboard and spellcheck.

All week I have been sort of messing around with my eating plan, watching portions, watching carbs, avoiding junk and generally just trying not to eat crap food. As of Thursday I was down four pounds. Yesterday I ate some junk instead of dinner, though. I hit the convenience store for junk. I did it out of stress... no excuse, I just gave in because I wanted to use food for stress relief. I didn't weigh this morning but will tomorrow.

The other day I went into a very large room that just happened to be well lit and have one entire wall completely lined with mirrors. I tried not to look, but it was unavoidable. There is no getting around it... I look bad. It doesn't help that I have taken to wearing baggier pants because the tighter ones are just a bit too snug for comfort. The jeans I had on yesterday hung off my body and I kept having to hike them up. However there is no mistaking the fact that I have gained weight. I also happened to be standing near a lady who I would describe as "much larger" than me at this time, yet in the mirror she did not LOOK much larger. She looked BETTER. I know we have completely different builds (apple vs pear) and she was dressed nicely and has thin legs, but seriously, last fall I looked so much better than I do now. It is kind of depressing.

I feel very unfocused about my eating without having a strict, line-in-the-sand plan, yet when I have one I cross the line. I am dissatisfied with a lot of aspects of my life right now and the way I feel about my body is just a symptom of that. The loss of control and uncertainty about how to eat mimics how I feel about other things in my life that I am trying to fix. Fix my life. Yes, that is the issue, I think... so many things I want to fix, and feeling quite disjointed about how to do it.

Regardless, the image of my not-svelte-looking self in baggy clothes in the mirror is one I will not soon forget. I hope it will drive me to continue this renovation of my eating, my body, my life.

21 comments:

definingmore said...

I was taking a lunchtime walk on Thursday and I felt so confident in my appearance. Then I saw my reflection in a shop window. I don't feel 190 pounds. I sure do look it though ;)

We'll get there again.

Mrs. Darling said...

I know what you mean about floating around without a plan. I did that for two years and gained back 38 of the 50 pounds I had lost. I am now on plan as of this week and I havent eaten one bite off of the plan. I chose a very tough diet; the HCG one. I've never done a harder, more difficult diet but I am sick of being overweight!

beerab said...

I know how you feel Lyn, I've fallen off the MF bandwagon and I just bought a new month supply and am determined to get back on it and finish this darn weight loss!

We just have to remember overall how well we have done and how far we have come :)

LHA said...

Lyn, probably every one of us have gone through what you are going through. We all know how painfully hard it is to lose weight and how very easily it comes right back on.

Part of what you are going through is something that I found out and have vowed not to repeat. Whenever I go on a strict eating plan that forbids certain foods or food groups I lose weight....of course! The problem comes when I start to deviate from the plan. Then I simply cannot stop eating, especially formerly "forbidden foods".

So, with the help of a wonderful nutritionist for the past couple of years, I have been working on correcting my eating in a different way. I try to look at each food choice not as good or bad. No food is off limits. The foods that I used to find irresistible (pasta, chocolate, pastries, fast food) have lost their mystique. When I eat them, I eat small amounts and I try to save them for a special occasion or an unavoidable situation. But I do NOT feel guilty when I eat them! They are just food, like any other food and I know that I can have them when I want them. No matter what I am eating I try hard to listen to my hunger, not my emotions. When I am no longer hungry I stop eating. I do try to make healthy, reasonable food choices every day so that any unhealthy foods are kept to a minimum no matter what.

The difference for me is that before I was always eating a "last meal" before dieting or finishing out a bad day of eating with a binge because the day was already shot. I will no longer say that I don't eat carbs, or I don't eat sugar, or I don't eat fast food. I will no longer sit at a birthday party and say "no" to cake while everyone else enjoys theirs. This might work for some people, and bravo to them, but not for me. This has been proven over decades of dieting and still being overweight.

Sorry this is lengthy, but I hope it will help to just hear another point of view. My heart goes out to you for the emotional turmoil you are feeling and totally undertand what you are going through. Good luck. Thanks for a very inspring blog.

Joy said...

"I feel very unfocused about my eating without having a strict, line-in-the-sand plan, yet when I have one I cross the line."

This pretty much sums up my diet since the beginning of the year. I am not doing poorly at the moment but I have felt this way so many times since January, it's sick. When I try to do my own thing, I overindulge and tell myself I need a strict plan, but when I get a strict plan, I find ways around it.

Sorry that I don't have much advice to give; all I can offer is support. Keep your head up, Lyn. You'll persevere like you always do :)

katie said...

Why are you not caring for yourself by being in therapy?

No excuses re: cost. There are loads of sliding scale income based fee therapists out there.

katie said...

Eating Plan to Stop Crazy Eating and Regain Sane Food behavior:

Mechanize your eating and meals. (Dr Oz)

Plan a day's menu..write it out.
Eat the same meals, same foods everyday for a week, 10 day.
Anything not on menu: Not an option.
Period. End.
It works. It's Easy. No Drama. No obsessive thinking arounf food choices. = Sanity, Peace.

Anonymous said...

Therapists can sometimes have their own agendas. Sliding scale can be difficult when others financial stress is being dealt with. A therapist can only do so much when other things need to be fixed in our lives...they can point out the obvious? I do have to say that I look at your "20lb heavier" photos (I don't know how much you are up from your recent low) and think you look great! Look at the photos, they are not where you want to end up, but they are not bad. Maybe some positive kudos will help you keep from gaining more. :-)

Lyn said...

katie~

I have answered that question many times and recently. I need to put together an FAQ. I am very glad you do not have the restraints in your life that I do, but for now, for reasons beyond the financial, therapy is not a possible option for me.

Lyn said...

Thanks for the positive thoughts, guys. It does help. I am having one of my older kids dogsit for an hour so I can take the youngest out for a bit. That might help lift my spirits.

timothy said...

i'm with ya darlin i've totally fell into emotional eating hell this week. scared to death to get near a scale. just dazed and lost, UGH! i KNOW what to do but i can't seem to do it. maybe all of us together can get through to the other side.

healthierhappierwiser said...

I have been where you are now and I have to say, you can't do it all at once. I did it by taking little steps at a time. If you try and do it all at once and don't leave room for going off course you will get frustrated and quit. If you think that you will never slip up when you are trying to stay focused, you are wrong. Everyone does you just need to be ok with it when it happens, forgive and forget..If you ever need more advice you can contact me anytime- tiana.macleod@sunmedia.ca I am always willing to give advice if asked, hope you have a good day! Tiana

Anonymous said...

Just wanted to say that when I said that a therapist can "point out the obvious" I meant just that--sometimes we already know what we need and paying a therapist to point out the obvious is not always the right way for everyone. :-)

Princess Dieter said...

I'm at a crossroads in life and emotionally, I'm beginning to be assaulted by the threat of major upheavals of assorted kinds. So far, it hasn't made me stress eat (a miracle in itself), but I am also feeling at a loss--what direction, what decisions, what changes can I make/tolerate, which are too much, which path to take.


I'm feeling assaulted for sure and have to make some scary life-changing decisions. I'm feeling kinda stupid and useless and hate that.

But I can control food when I can't control any other dang thing much....so I want to keep this area of life not crazy or weird or changed.

I have stayed at the same scale number for several days...when I was on a good losing streak. Part is probably the stress kiboshing the fat metabolism. Part is crap sleep.

But I'm holding on to NOT usinng food to bring stress relief. I'd rather find another way to vent that....even if its howling at the moon...

Maybe think of your eating as this little sane place you can keep a hold of when other things are maybe not as controllable or easily planned? Maybe thinking like that will help?

Susan said...

Well when stressed, food is worse than nail biting, but better than banging head on the wall. Emotions are hard to control, I know at times. I am borrowing this expression from Jack Sh*t "Keep you chins up"!
Tomorrow can be better.

Diana said...

I wonder if it would help you to pretend you're starting at the beginning again. Before this slide, you had put it all together and were cooking along at a real good clip, all the parts of your program working together. And so maybe you're expecting yourself to just get right back into that same level of "having it all together." If that makes sense.? Maybe just start with the baby steps that you did at the beginning and give yourself some time to put all the parts that work for you together again.

This has worked for me in the past. I hope it's helpful for you!

Deb Willbefree said...

No advice from me. You know way more than I do and have had enough success to prove it.

Here's my 2 cents worth: I HATE being in the place you describe. hate, hate, hate it. All of the words that, in one way or another, tell you to get a grip never helped me. I'd been telling myself the same thing.

I don't know what makes that switch flip, I wish I did. All I know is that eventually the gears catch (to mix metaphors) and we're off down the Highway to Thin again.

I'm praying for your gears to catch real soon!

Oh. And re: the moderate eating of any food thing. Such a reasonable and lovely theory. How I want that to be true for me. It just isn't. I just can't. My worst times have come by trying or wanting to follow that advice.

Not everyone is normal re: food, Lyn. Some of your posts make me think that you already know that about yourself.

Deb

Jenny said...

Firstly Lynne, you are a great inspiration to me, you're a great writer and your honesty is amazing. Go you!
But I have been concerned lately. All I see is negativity and self- flagellation. Comparing. Blaming external sources like stress. We all have stress. You need to fnd a genuine way to deal with that. Maybe you could start to reframe everything in your life more positively and also focus on how far you have come rather than on how far you have to go. I bet if you could put back those pounds for a few minutes you would be so grateful for where you are right now. It's all about perspective. You've learned so much and come so far. You will be amazed at the subtle power of just listing everything you are grateful for and I bet you will feel better. Which will help you deal better.

hopefulandfree said...

No advice. Just hugs. You are more than your weight and appearance. Sometimes the more you focus on something the bigger it seems. I've been known to create a problem just so my mind will have a distraction while trying to "fix" it or solve it. Is it possible to accept life as it is for awhile, observe and be present, rather than trying so hard to control the outcome of things? Dunno. Might not be your style. That takes the pressure off me, helps me ride a bit calmer, and eventually focus comes on its own. I don't actually have to do anything except get out of the way. Very liberating. But that's me. :) Be well in peace.

Lisa said...

It hink you are doing great. You KNOW how to get where you want and you WILL get there. :)

Anonymous said...

The one thing I notice is that my body cycles within the week/ month no matter what I do. If my normal calorie is 1600, then one day a week I'll eat 2400 (and one day I might eat somewhat less, like 1200). It feels like an urge that builds up and lets go. So when I diet, I try to push that cycle down, say to 1200 calories, an hour of exercise, most days, but one day a week no exercise and (maybe different day) closer to 2000 calories. I'm not sure if it's just a way to eat "fun" foods or if there's some anti-famine dopamine-reset, biological explanation, but I know it will happen and I'm okay with having it and okay with going back to normal the next day. I wonder if this kicks in once you're at a lower body-fat, which is why you're not used to it.