I packed them all away last year... the fat clothes, the ones that were a bit too loose to wear anymore and would surely be sizes too big once winter was over and spring care 'round again. I'd already given away all the size 16's, 18's, 20's... all the way up to 26/28's and 3X shirts. Gone to the Goodwill or sold for a pittance, I will never need them again. But last fall, those 14's, they got tossed in the donate box somewhere, shoved in the garage or maybe the office to be sold sometime, someday. After all, my 12's were getting looser. I wore size 10 jeans and a medium shirt for my last update pictures.
I went shopping today. It's been getting hotter... into the 70's... and the long heavy jeans and sweaters I've been wearing are just too much. I have nothing... nothing in pants or capri length shorts for warm weather, so it was time to go shopping. That and the whole "omg my arms are atrocious" thing... I wanted to get a few lightweight, elbow-length but still springy shirts to wear. I still just cannot do the tee shirts yet. I tried yesterday, again. Told myself I was being ridiculous, to just put on the shirt and get over it. I put on the shirt, but I did not get over it. I looked in the mirror, saw the arms, and actually slammed my eyes shut tightly while muttering, "holy hell." I took the tee off and donned a sweater. Again.
So off I headed to Target, to buy a pair of denim capri pants (just below the knee is a flattering style for my body type) and a shirt or two. I found a cute greyish blue shirt in a size medium, which still is my size, that has sleeves to the elbows. Then I saw some really cute denim capris on the rack. I wondered what size to get. The jeans I am wearing now are oddly sized... only one pair of 14's cut too small yet they are baggy on me, and a couple of 12's that are a little snug. These capris were also oddly sized, and they were in the ladies' (but not plus) section so I assume they were adult women but not plus sized. I held up the 13's and the 11's. Not sure... maybe the 11's would fit? Or be very close? I decided to try them on to be sure. The 13's looked about right, but maybe a tad big for me.
I took them to the dressing room. I started with the 13's. Imagine my shock when I could not even get them up past my thighs. They were nowhere NEAR fitting me! I just sort of stood there, staring in the mirror and down at the pants hanging halfway up my legs. I checked the tags. I could not believe it. I fully expected these to fit or be a little too big. The crazy part is, this is the first time in my weight loss journey of nearly 4 years that I have misjudged in the "too small" direction. I have ALWAYS looked at pants and thought they were too small for me and have been amazed when they fit. So this was a real let down, and very confusing, and I stood there for a very long time, wondering what the heck just happened.
I took them off. And I bought them. I just could not walk out of there without something, and I didn't want to believe they didn't fit. I didn't want to buy nothing and feel like a failure and... strange as it sounds... let those pants defeat me. I bought them, they can't even go halfway up my thighs, but I AM going to wear them this summer. Mark my words.
And so I am left with no choice but to dig out that box of packed-up clothes from last fall and see if anything in there will fit me, for now. I hate that I need to do that, but I really do need something to wear, and it's just ridiculous to keep pretending I weigh 175 pounds. I don't. Last week I weighed 198. Yes, that's right, May 1, 2011: 198 pounds. Naked.
194 now. I am trying. I am tired of fighting, and need this battle to end. But how to end the battle and continue the journey to health? I'm not sure. But I will figure it out.
Friday Update and Reality Check
1 day ago