Saturday, May 7, 2011

I Packed Them All Away

I packed them all away last year... the fat clothes, the ones that were a bit too loose to wear anymore and would surely be sizes too big once winter was over and spring care 'round again. I'd already given away all the size 16's, 18's, 20's... all the way up to 26/28's and 3X shirts. Gone to the Goodwill or sold for a pittance, I will never need them again. But last fall, those 14's, they got tossed in the donate box somewhere, shoved in the garage or maybe the office to be sold sometime, someday. After all, my 12's were getting looser. I wore size 10 jeans and a medium shirt for my last update pictures.

I went shopping today. It's been getting hotter... into the 70's... and the long heavy jeans and sweaters I've been wearing are just too much. I have nothing... nothing in pants or capri length shorts for warm weather, so it was time to go shopping. That and the whole "omg my arms are atrocious" thing... I wanted to get a few lightweight, elbow-length but still springy shirts to wear. I still just cannot do the tee shirts yet. I tried yesterday, again. Told myself I was being ridiculous, to just put on the shirt and get over it. I put on the shirt, but I did not get over it. I looked in the mirror, saw the arms, and actually slammed my eyes shut tightly while muttering, "holy hell." I took the tee off and donned a sweater. Again.

So off I headed to Target, to buy a pair of denim capri pants (just below the knee is a flattering style for my body type) and a shirt or two. I found a cute greyish blue shirt in a size medium, which still is my size, that has sleeves to the elbows. Then I saw some really cute denim capris on the rack. I wondered what size to get. The jeans I am wearing now are oddly sized... only one pair of 14's cut too small yet they are baggy on me, and a couple of 12's that are a little snug. These capris were also oddly sized, and they were in the ladies' (but not plus) section so I assume they were adult women but not plus sized. I held up the 13's and the 11's. Not sure... maybe the 11's would fit? Or be very close? I decided to try them on to be sure. The 13's looked about right, but maybe a tad big for me.

I took them to the dressing room. I started with the 13's. Imagine my shock when I could not even get them up past my thighs. They were nowhere NEAR fitting me! I just sort of stood there, staring in the mirror and down at the pants hanging halfway up my legs. I checked the tags. I could not believe it. I fully expected these to fit or be a little too big. The crazy part is, this is the first time in my weight loss journey of nearly 4 years that I have misjudged in the "too small" direction. I have ALWAYS looked at pants and thought they were too small for me and have been amazed when they fit. So this was a real let down, and very confusing, and I stood there for a very long time, wondering what the heck just happened.

I took them off. And I bought them. I just could not walk out of there without something, and I didn't want to believe they didn't fit. I didn't want to buy nothing and feel like a failure and... strange as it sounds... let those pants defeat me. I bought them, they can't even go halfway up my thighs, but I AM going to wear them this summer. Mark my words.

And so I am left with no choice but to dig out that box of packed-up clothes from last fall and see if anything in there will fit me, for now. I hate that I need to do that, but I really do need something to wear, and it's just ridiculous to keep pretending I weigh 175 pounds. I don't. Last week I weighed 198. Yes, that's right, May 1, 2011: 198 pounds. Naked.

194 now. I am trying. I am tired of fighting, and need this battle to end. But how to end the battle and continue the journey to health? I'm not sure. But I will figure it out.


Anonymous said...

pants with odd numbers (11 and 13) are juniors sizing- you need to look for even numbers- the cut is different for adult shapes.

Anonymous said...

Well, there. You posted the weight of 198 and didn't die. It'll get better from here.

Re: the clothes. I did almost the same thing. I gave all of my clothes...allllll of them away last spring that where definitely too big.

I kept out the spring/summer things that were getting loose, but I could still wear. Thank God I didin't give those away in the fall. I

almost did, becasue by September, they were really too loose to wear--even tho I wore them (You know how that goes.) At the last second, I choked and kept them.

I will be wearing one of those dresses tomorrow. It will not be too big. 20 pounds does that.

Suck it up for now, girlfriend. It'll be the last time, cause we're gonna do this thing.


BrendaKaye said...

You are right; you will do it! You are on the right path, and already headed down from 198. You have had a really rough few months with sickness etc. My thoughts and prayers are with you!

Shonna said...

Yes, those are Junior sizes, so don't beat yourself up too bad. I started Medifast in October 2010 at 250 lbs and after losing 50 lbs, I decided that I was ready to learn to eat right. So in Feb. I started going to the gym and working out 3x's a week (now I am up to 5x's a week). I got the book by Tosca Reno "The Eat Clean Diet." and started a clean lifestyle. This book may be something you might want to check out (I just bought it for my mom today at Target). I know you are limited on how much you can workout, but the book explains that 80% of your weight loss success is how you eat. The beginning of April I weighed about 198 and now I am at 192. So it's not coming off as fast as Medifast, but I feel like I'm eating in the "real world" now. It will take me longer to get the last 45 lbs. off, but I feel that slowing down will give me time to incorporate this way of eating into a "lifestyle." One thing that I have learned from reading your blog is "never give up" and together we can do this!! Remember, you have support here in blogland!!

Anonymous said...

I just wanted to let you know that Target runs small...compared to other stores. When I lost a ton of weight, I had purchased size 15 jeans. I knew they were going to be really big but I wanted baggy pants. They didn't fit. Way too small. I wasn't able to wear them until I was in 11s almost 9s, which was weird.

Don't worry about the gain. You can get it back off. You've done so well. It's hard. I know. I gained all of my weight back which was horrible. I am in the process of getting it back off (38 lbs off...again). Just keep at it.

bbubblyb said...

I know all about the struggle and I know what you mean about not wanting that battle forever, I don't either. I want peace with food and to just live life enjoying food sometimes. Being honest I'm not sure it's possible all the time but I'm seeing it is possible some of the time.

I also know I don't need to be 150 lbs, 175 is fine with me. From where I came from I'm ok here.

As for clothing sizing I think we need to just wear what looks nice on us and not worry about the size. As for the arms I'm all about 3 quarter sleeves but of course this time of year they are hard to come by. Hope you find some stuff you like.

Keep your chin up you'll be ok Lyn *hugs*.

Lyn said...

Junior sizes eh? Well that explains the strange sizing...

the thing that bothers me the most is that when I saw those pants on the rack I was SURE they would fit me. Even if the tag had said 8, I'd have thought, heck, those look like they would fit on my body! I am soooo oddly out of touch with my body.

timothy said...

it'll be ok, you'll get back to where you were all of us tend to gain in the winter, it's always that way when we're trapped inside. now you'll be able to get out and shed the excess. you can do it!

Anonymous said...

Sweetie, it's so completely clear to me, reading your blog. I hope someday it becomes clear to you: you are EXTREMELY carb sensitive. A very small amount triggers intense cravings. The only way to deal is to eliminate carbs altogether, except vegs and certain fruits. None of this "figuring out what I can eat" - just don't eat em! At all. After a few days the cravings diminish and eventually go away (except the voice in your head). But trying to incorporate carbs, especially refined carbs, into your meals here and there is like an alcoholic who thinks he an have a drink once in a while. Not gonna happen. Eventually both off on another binge.

Bunpoh said...

Oh no, the junior sizes at Target are confidence killers! Trust me, I've gone through the very same thing, time and time again. They look like they'll fit, but they're cut deceptively small. Now when I see an odd number on the tag rather than even, I know to put it down and back AWAY from the rack!

The other thing I wanted to say is that I have gone through some of what you're going through, as far as needing some time off from fighting the battle AND regaining some of the weight. At the end of August 2010, I weighed in at 178.5. I went off my restrictive diet regimen, travelled extensively, including Scotland, the land of beer and fattening food, survived the stress of dealing with my family of addicts during the holidays by eating. In January 2011, I went back on my diet with a starting weight of 201.5, after having sworn I would never see a "2" in front of my weight ever again.

Well, as of today I am now down to the lowest I've ever been, 170, having lost 130 pounds overall. I took some time off in between rounds of strict diet to maintain, (I did, perfectly, for the first time ever!) and got some help dealing with the alcoholics and other issues. I now know other ways of coping than eating. Now I'm switching off from the restrictive dieting and just trying intuitive eating and exercise to make it the rest of the way. If that doesn't work, I'll try something else.

Anyways, you're not alone! It's painful to have found that you have regained, but it's just a chance for a fresh start. I got back on the horse, and you can too. You seem to be able to drop weight even quicker than I ever could. You've done amazing things so far, and I know you'll get there when you're ready and able.

Occasional Kate said...

If you don't mind JC Penney for clothes, check there. Lots of sales and coupons available. I have the same issue with my arms and just bought some 3/4 sleeve length open cardigans (a.n.a. brand) that are a nice light weight. That way I can wear short sleeve shirts and just put the sweater on over them. Makes the wardrobe go farther :-)

Jennifer said...

I know it has been said but JUNIOR SIZES. ugh, you can not get upset for not fitting into clothing sized for girls/teens who have not hit puberty and certainly have not had children. A size 12 could be too big and a size 13 way too small. You are ok. You are ok.

Anonymous said...

Hi Lyn, I've been reading your blog for over a year now and have left anonymous comments here and there. Here's my take on regaining weight -

I epitomise the concept of 'self-sabotage'. When things seem to go TOO smoothly for me in the weight loss department, I lose motivation completely. It's not like I WANT to regain any of the weight; simply, I just cannot be bothered to do the things necessary to LOSE more weight. I thin to myself, "What's the point? I look good, I feel good, why aim mindlessly for some arbitrary number on the scale?"

Except I end up doing again the things which led to my previous state of obesity the first time round - eating because I felt like it, going nuts on junk food "because I could", becoming basically sedentary...and after a while, I notice that my skirts no longer zip up, and there's a shadow of a double chip, and my thighs are beginning to chafe once more. And then I start to panic, resulting in stress-eating, and more weight gain.

Anyway, the point of all this is to hopefully let you know that you're not alone in losing motivation and regaining some of the weight you've lost. There's nothing wrong with gaining a little weight, but if you're finding that it's impacting negatively on your quality of life, then it is WITHIN YOUR POWER to do something about it. You've done it once before; there's nothing stopping you from re-committing yourself to losing weight. Oh, except for that annoying factor known as "being human" :D Unfortunately, sometimes it takes a pair of ill-fitting pants to jolt us out of this state of complacency.

Best of wishes to you, and hope you find your way again!

Shelley said...

Junior sizes will never fit you, so go return those pants. Those are made for pre-teens with zero hips, no waist, and basically no shape. Stick with trying on the even sizes from now on. And yeah, it's awful to have to go up when you've been fitting into smaller clothes, but for the time being, this is reality. You'll get back to your smaller sizes soon...and hopefully stay there. Good luck to you! :)

Oh, and Happy Mother's Day.

Neesha said...

What Shelley said! Junior's sizing is completely differently made; cut more like boy's clothing.

I know it's frustrating but you are such a fighter and you've had these tough times before. You have gotten through them and battled back even better than before. I know you can do it.

Joy said...

Hey Lyn, I agree with all the other commenters in regards to the clothes that you tried on were junior sizing; you can always tell because they are odd numbers. To try and alleviate some of your concern, I tried to find a comparison online. I found this: "Also, a teenaged girl that wears a Juniors size 15 MAY be able to wear a Women's size 10 or 12, but will not be able to wear anything sized in a Girls sizing." So, the 13s would not go past your thigh because they were probably equivalent to you trying on size 8s at this point. Hope that helps!

andria said...

Don't get hung up on sizes and let that get you down. I wear an 8 at some stores and a 12 at others. There's no consistency. Just stick with the number on the scale and tape measure and know that until you start maintaining, clothes shopping is going to be a lot of work.

It's not you, it's them:

Susan said...

Ugh, I could get in a fist fight with Target clothing. They run really small, drives me nuts (but I love Target for everything else, especially shoes:)) I agree with a poster above, JcPenneys. Cute clothing, true to size.

Congratulations on staying under 200! I've been struggling for 8 weeks to get out from under that boulder. I love your blog, you're doing great!

Anonymous said...

Just to chime in, I find target clothing runs SOOOOO small. Kohl's and JCP are much better and juniors are cut for young, young girls, if you see uneven sizes, RUN!!!

I am rooting for you!

Mrs. Darling said...

Yeah junior sizes are al the odd numbers; 1,3,5,7,9,1,, etc. Misses and womens are the even numbers. You will get down again. You've done it before so you know you can do it. I know how hard it is to stop a gain though and I feel for you!

Duddes02 said...

Eh, don't worry about sizes.

I weigh in the 150s and I sometimes still buy 14s. Sometimes I buy 8's though. It really depends..

Anonymous said...

Lyn, Just mentioning again to you that especially as a "pear", the junior sizes (odd sizes) won't fit your body correctly. The are made for people with no hips (generally girls who haven't gone through puberty changes yet, but I find that some "apple" shaped women can get away with fitting into them.) It will just frustrate you to try to fit your body into them. I know, because I've tried. :) By the time they fit your thighs, the waistband will be huge, so it's a waste to save them.
Also, for future reference, Target's Mossimo brand runs VERY small (again, junior sizes). When I weighed 138 lbs. at 5'11'', size 8-10 on the bottom, "pear", sometimes I would still need an XL top.
Don't be discouraged! You can do this!! I just finished reading "Confessions of a Carb Queen" about Susan Blech who weighed 460 lbs. and lost 250 lbs. through a strict diet. She has to remind herself daily that this is a journey. One day, one week, one month, etc., is not the sum total of your life. It ebbs and flows. All we can do is keep plodding along. :)

Anonymous said...

I agree with everyone else on the juniors sizes. I'm a size 8-10 in misses sizing (5'7, 160 lbs) and I can't even get into a size 15 in juniors...they are for 12 year olds with tiny legs! The Target brand called Massimo has some really cute capris right now, in misses sizing. I would try those!

Anonymous said...

Also in response to the poster who said "don't eat carbs", PLEASE KEEP EATING CARBS. Our bodies need whole grains for energy! I have NEVER heard of people getting fat from a diet of lean protiens, fruits, vegetables, and 1-2 servings of whole grains daily. I lost 40 pounds doing just that! Obviously the "bad" carbs cause a binging reaction in some people, but please, everyone! Don't stop eating whole grains!

Anonymous said...

Just wanted to pop in and say i've been following your blog for a while, and I love your writing style. Your entries are always so well-written and full of genuine emotion. :)

On another note, in my honest opinion target clothing, especially any sort of pants, run TINY. i usually wear a size 4 or 6 in pants and at target i hardly ever find anything that fits correctly. i think Kohls in particular makes pants that are much truer to size. but maybe that's just me...but seriously. Target makes small, cheap clothes. They're just kind of known for that.

Keep your head up and keep WILL fit into those pants. you will get thru this hurdle.