Yesterday was slightly better. If you have ever binged or gone off the rails with food, eating whatever you pleased, you know it is really hard *mentally* to stop doing that once you've started. It's like an entitlement thing, almost, for me. I *deserve* to eat what I want. I am *thin enough* and I should NOT have to tell myself no. It makes no logical sense, because no one in their right mind eats 5 pieces of pie in an afternoon, thin or not. It is food abuse, it is a compulsion to finish ALL of the food.
Which reminds me, when I used to go on binge drives, I was always compelled to eat everything I bought and not save any for later. I would decide I was going to binge (although I didn't call it that back then) and I would hobble out to the car, drive to the store, and wheel the cart up and down every aisle, eyeing every possible food. ANYTHING that looked good to me got tossed in the cart. ANYTHING that flitted through my brain as a possible desire got thrown in there. (I'd like to note that this behavior went on after many years of poverty, eating only whatever the food bank handed out, having no money at all to actually PAY for food at the stores. Once I was out of that very restrictive condition, I went sort of nuts with glee that I *could* buy whatever food I wanted, within reason). The excitement would build as I tossed all manner of junk into my cart. I didn't HAVE to choose between cookies and donuts... I'd get both! Ice cream, pizza, whatever I wanted! The only bit of reality on those binge trips came at the checkout, as I was loading the contents of my cart into the checkout belt. Bag after bag of chips, candy, and treats. Tons of frozen convenience foods. Candy bars. Sodas. It looked like a joke... a stereotype of the food-crazy fat person buying all manner of crap and not a single fruit or vegetable. I knew it, and for a split second, I felt some guilt as I put all that stuff on the belt and people were watching and I felt ridiculous. But the food was more important, and I'd get it home and I would start eating. One thing after the other. And I felt I could not stop until I had had at least *some* of everything I'd purchased. Even if I was stuffed and nearly sick, I HAD to have some of it all. And it was pretty much assured that I would eat the rest the next day. All of it.
I don't do that anymore, thank goodness. But I remember, and I still see hints of that "finish it all" compulsion when I do buy some sugary or fatty type of thing. I didn't want to share it, and I didn't want to "make it last." I still am like that. When I bought that darned pie, it was because I had a really intense desire for pie. But not ONE piece of pie. I honestly wanted to eat the entire pie. Right then. All by myself. If I had my way I really wanted to just sit with the pie in my lap and a spoon and eat the whole thing. But I made myself cut it into 8 slices. I forced myself to give some of my kids a piece and put one piece on a plate for myself. But when the kids were gone doing something else, I went back for more. And more. And more. And the pie was gone. And later my son said "hey who ate all the pie?" and I shrugged.
Yesterday was a little better, as I said. Not perfect. But I am trying. I am working it out to try and find WHAT WILL WORK for me. I had my coffee in the morning. I had Greek yogurt and fruit for breakfast. Medifast shake at 10am, Medifast chicken noodle soup at noon. A slice of Swiss cheese, half a banana, and a diet Coke in the afternoon. I made chicken enchiladas for dinner. I haven't made them in AGES. I used low carb/high protein tortillas, chicken breast, and low fat ingredients for the sauce. I topped them with low fat 2% shredded cheese. I ate one and a half along with a salad. Not a bad day.
Except, I also had gone to the store earlier and bought a pack of sugar free Klondike bars. I really, really wanted cookies and donuts but I was trying to make a better choice that would keep me from flipping out. Guess what, I ate 4 of them last night. And you know, it's weird, but I feel okay about that. I am happy I reined it in from the way I ate last week. The sugar free bars were a better choice. And hey, I ate 4, not all 6. However I don't think I will be buying them again.
The scale is moving in the right direction again, slowly but surely, despite the Klondike snafu. My eating is not perfect, but I am trying to find a way I can eat that will allow me to stop obsessing about food. I am not sure what I am doing yet. I know I need to increase my exercise but believe me when I say I am at my limit time-wise with what else I can add into my life right now. I *might* be able to schedule in 15 minutes of strength training a couple times a week after school is out and dance recitals are over, but for now, the walks (2-3 miles/day) will have to suffice.
Food on the Brain
7 hours ago