Sunday, May 8, 2011

Changing

I think another light bulb came on for me this morning.

I really have been quite obsessed with the scale number, the clothing sizes, the ugly arms, the fat thighs, and have, in my head, been in panic mode of OMG HOW AM I GONNA STOP THIS ROLLER COASTER AND GET THIS WEIGHT OFF????? I've vacillated between "oh well, I will just try and eat healthy and accept myself" and "omg I have to stop eating or I am going to explode!" I admit it... mentally I have been completely wrapped up in how/when/why/omg/too fat/this is hard/what am I gonna do" for quite some time... several months, probably. This morning, I took a few moments to CALM DOWN and look objectively at what's going on.

I have regained some weight. And the overwhelming feeling/emotion I have, that I have been trying to ignore or cover up, is embarrassment. Humiliation. Even though I *know* people do not love me less than they did 19 pounds ago, and I know I have still done something phenomenal in my life, and that I am more than a size, I still have those feelings. I know I *should not* feel humiliated. Everyone will tell me that. And that's why I've been ignoring and trying to stuff down those feelings. But you know what, they are there, and once I let myself feel them and acknowledge them this morning, I felt such relief.

I acknowledge that I am embarrassed and feel humiliated that when I go out, people no longer say "wow you are still losing weight! You look fantastic! What are you doing?" but instead give me a look that I interpret as "hmmm, is she getting bigger?" I feel embarrassed of my arms and my bigger pants and that it is obvious to anyone who has seen me recently that I have regained weight. I am embarrassed that people may be wondering if I am going to gain it all back, or what is wrong, or why I am screwing up. And in some deep, underlying way, I am actually ashamed of myself for letting go of the control I felt over my eating for months, and for sitting in a car alone eating candy bars and hoping no one will see me and trying to find  someplace to get rid of the evidence.

THAT is what has been underlying the general self-loathing negativity you may have sensed on my blog recently. It is utterly important that I acknowledge this, feel the feelings, take a breath, and move forward.

This morning, I practiced some self-love. I put on some nicer clothes and decided to box up those self-deprecating baggy jeans I've been wearing almost every day for months. They'd become the equivalent of the baggy black stretch pants with holes in the thighs that I used to wear when I weighed 278 pounds. I stopped caring about how I looked. I didn't even bother washing them very often. I knew they looked like crap, but they weren't too tight and I looked lousy anyway so who cared? I am stopping that behavior RIGHT NOW. Those baggy jeans will never cross my hips again.

I shaved my legs, gave myself a pedicure, broke out some cute sandals and some old, but still nice, denim capris. My daughter saw me and said, "You look pretty!" Self-care has truly been lacking, but starting now I am going to treat myself the way my little girl would treat me... and she has treated me like a queen on this Mother's Day. If I can love myself the way she loves me, my life will be so much richer.

28 comments:

Ali @ A Serendipitous Life said...

I love this post, Lyn. I think so many of us feel this way about ourselves. When I make the time to take care of me FIRST it's kind of amazing how good I feel. It's a lot easier to get into the head space of taking care of myself when I care about myself, too!

If you get a chance, I'd love if you checked out my blog - I've documented my weightloss struggles, as well as my day to day "mom" stuff!

www.aserendipitouslifeblog.com

Ms. PJ Geek said...

We are in similar placess. I know how you are feeling. We are going to work our way out. Self care from that loving and caring place that wants our very best is the way out. So hard..keep going step by step.

Anonymous said...

Yeah for you! When you posted your gain yesterday, I looked back at your pictures at that weight and your comments and how proud you were of your accomplishment of losing 80 pounds and thought to myself, "don't lose that!" While I agree with you that you will move on now that you've acknowledged your feeling of embarrassment and self-loathing. It's hard, some people will "want" you to regain, they'll be happy that you're "just like them" or that "they're better than you now because you 'failed'". This time around in my weight loss journey, it's been interesting to see those who don't comment or compliment because they're really not happy for you. Okay, I'm rambling, sorry. It sounds like you're moving into a better space for yourself and about yourself! Kudos!

♥♥♥ Karen ♥♥♥ said...

I can so totally relate to this!! Thank you for being so real!!

Princess Dieter said...

Thank GOD you're snapping out of it. I was worried about your arm obsession and wearing baggy clothes. That to me is a total self-absorbed, neurotic focus thing like when I do when I'm depressed.

I weigh a few pounds more than you, and it makes a world of difference when I wear makeup, shave, perfume myself and do my hair. I feel just all around better.

I do show my awful arms. My upper arms are embarrassing, but there's not a damn thing I can do. I was 300 lbs and now I'm 202 pounds and there's crinkly hanging skin and...too bad. I wear sleeveless and camisoles. :)

I'd rather find nice 3/4 sleeve tops, but they have been scarce. I make do with what I can find.

You need to give yourself the doll-it-up treatment and just focus on eating healthfully and staying the hell away from starches/sugar. Y ou and me, we can't do starches and sugar. It's unfair, but that's how it is. We go nuts and start the obsessive food thing.

Eat your chicken, beef, eggs, veggies, some fruit, some dairy, and leave the starches. And put on clothes taht FIT. It makes a difference. A lot, psychologically and style-wise.

Stay in a good mindset,b abe...

Lynna said...

YES!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Hugs for you. You are such an inspiration. Thank you for being so honest, as I have certainly been in this place.

Congratulations on getting dressed up, you deserve it!!

AthleteComesBack said...

I think it is awesome that you are acknowledging these feelings and beginning to do something about it. I too have these feelings however I have yet to deal with them....hopefully I will step out like you have and do something about it. You deserve it...thanks for sharing this with us.

RhubarbLady said...

Thank you-this post is just what I needed to hear this mothers day. My children echo the same sentiments as your daughter-I too need to learn to listen to them more and heed the words of loving children.

My Big Fat Super Super Obese Blog said...

I haven't visited your blog recently. I haven't visited many blogs recently, but when I finally carve out some time to read a few, yours is one of the ones I usually try to check in on. I am sorry to see that you are struggling with what ANY dieter eventually has to struggle with...when we start to gain a bit of weight back. It sucks big hairy balls, but you are at +19. Most of us don't even bother to weigh ourselves when we know we are keening out of control and gaining weight again. Kudos to you for not allowing yourself to stay in denial. You have made so much progress, not just in your weight loss, but in so many other important ways. You have the tools, you just have to dust them off and use them. And when you are done, come on over and fix my wagon because I need to get back on it myself ;)

Good luck and don't give up! xx

timothy said...

good for you hon! i know we all screw up sometimes the past week i KNOW i've lost 2 months worth of dedication and hard work and yeah i'm embarresed too. but i'll be ok and so will you. hills and valleys of life i guess. so acknowledged and figurd out now we let it go and move forward! thanks for sharing it helps to know we all have the same issues! xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Anonymous said...

Great post, it truly boosts your self esteem and makes you feel so much better to pamper yourself a little, i always feel way better when i take the time to do my make-up/nails and hair, i just feel better when i look better and weights a big part of it but not everything alot of it is just taking time to look after yourself too. 19lbs is not a big deal coming from where you have, for someone whos 120lbs there whole life it would be a big deal but for someone like you who knows how to lose weight, its just a bump in the road, you can undo it and lose even more, just stop now before it gets out of hand because ive been there and 19lbs is no big deal compared to 50 :)

Anonymous said...

Lyn- you're the best! Happy Mother's Day girl!

crazyjojo said...

I can relate to having regaining weight after a stunning loss. I have lost fifty pounds and regained it about four times in my life. You are definitely NOT alone. Also, perhaps you should stop looking at your body for a awhile. Your mind can really mess with your perception. I hope that you can continue to being good to yourself! You WILL feel better. Your feelings are definitely painful, but they won't last forever.

Caity said...

I can relate to this post SO much. I just found your blog today and I am so, so glad that I did.

sandy said...

There is a reason I read this tonight before I went to bed. These words could have been mine. And I think you for the words of encouragement and inspiration.

Anonymous said...

Oh Lyn, I have felt for you! Life happens. We all have those months where it is stressful, we're sick, emotions crop up, it's easier to just eat what we have on hand...that's part of life! For some people it seems easy to "just cut out carbs" or to "just not eat it" or whatever. (My father's side of the family is like that. They diet by sheer willpower). But for the rest of us, it is a process. You know you can do it now. You have done it before. You will do it again. I promise, it does get easier. It will always be something you have to think about, but think of how much harder it used to be! It does get easier, and it will get easier than it is now. Keep it up! -Marie

Deb Willbefree said...

You have just proven the point I so frequently try to make which is the fact that NO post is negative if it is expressing a felt emotion, regardless of how unpleasant or distressing that post may be. The very act of exposing the truth sets you free.

If you try to cover it over in an effort to look at the bright side, or to simply hide it because you're embarrassed to be feeling it, your post will not be of benefit to you or the reader.

Truth is almost always postitive and beneficial--even if it is unpleasant.

Great job on finding, then sharing, what's been eating at you. Pun absolutely inteneded.

Deb

Anonymous said...

Sounds good. Take care of yourself. I love reading your posts.

Forty Pound Sack said...

Happy Mother's Day, Lyn! You'll figure out what the road block is, you always do. And then you'll tear it down. In the meantime, please be as kind to yourself as you would to anyone else you care about. You are worth it.

Undercover Dieting said...

I'm so glad you wrote this, I feel the exact same way! I never take care of my looks and that means in a way giving up and not taking care of myself. I'm gonna follow your example, we deserve to look good even though we're not model thin!

One of my colleagues is large, but she has the best taste in clothes ever! She has a GREAT style, and you can tell that she takes care of herself! I love to see that, because it is SO easy to hide in baggy clothes when you're heavier.

Good luck with taking better care of yourself, you deserve it! :)

Cindarella said...

I am sitting here with tears rolling down my face... Thank you for sharing...

katie said...

Addiction is a cunning and insidious disease. Relapse is an expected part of recovery.
it's not about the relapse it's waht you DO with and around the relapse.
Ever consider an eating disorder therapist?

The Captain's Daughter said...

I am on this ride with you... Feeling (doing) all the same things. Hang in there - it's what I tell myself and what I offer you. There does appear to be that switch that gets thrown in the middle of our progress - that switch from "nothing bothers me" to. "EVERYTHING sweet/fat is SCREAMING MY NAME!!" It's happened to me (so many times) before - but I am DETERMINED never to go back. I remember regaining everything (and more) a few years ago and thinking, "Man, if I could have put on the brakes at ____ weight, I would have been okay." Well, I am at BLANK weight and I will put on the brakes! And so will you. Just continue to be kind to yourself! And always know that while it doesn't move the scale, you are NOT alone!

Dinahsoar said...

It's normal to worry that you will be judged when/if you regain weight. Because that's exactly what happens. And when you regain and feel like you are spiraling out of control but are clueless as how to stop--very scary. So you keep fighting, keep trying to figure out what will work for you forever. Eventually you will figure it out--but you can't give up. It took me 40 years but I finally figured it out. I guess better late than never. But I hope it's early for you, for your sake. Life speeds on, doesn't slow down for us. Once a day is done it's gone forever. Heavy stuff.

Anonymous said...

Lyn,

A while back I lost almost 100 pounds. It was awesome! I got so many compliments and much attention.

Over time I noticed that this became part of my identity. I went on vacation with my mother and sister. Suddenly I was no longer the woman who had lost 100 pounds, suddenly I was a normal/plump woman who attracted only normal attention. I found out how much the added attention had become part of my identity!

For me there was a real sense of loss when things became "normal". I managed it though...I gained every pound back!

Now I am trying to lose again, and hoping to defocus my energy on weight as part of my identity.

You are amazing, appreciate yourself. The most important thing about you is not your weight, your figure or your eating, healthy or unhealthy.

Jamie said...

Thank you so much for writing this. I just started Medifast yesterday (5/10/11) and have been struggling with the same issues that you mentioned. It really helped for me to read your blog.

Munchberry said...

I am so feeling your pain sister! Every single brave bit you posted here. Yeah. I will be bookmarking this BLOG. How couldn't I?