So, I haven't blogged since Sunday. In fact I probably wouldn't blog tonight either, but I don't want to leave people hanging who I know do care about me.
Nothing major is wrong/going on. I have not gotten any news back on my cervical cancer screening, so I am sort of assuming everything was fine (although I will call to be sure). No one is sick (finally) and everyone is doing their thing. Kids working, going to college and school, enjoying spring. Me... well, I am mired.
I don't know how else to describe it. I feel, emotionally, like I am in quicksand. Does that make any sense? Everything I try to do seems difficult. Every time I try to get on top of things I get sucked under more. All my movements are in slow motion, and I just feel... mired. Like I need someone to reach a big, long branch out over the quicksand for me to grab onto. Like I need to be pulled to safety. Back onto solid land.
I didn't want to even blog it. It seems whiny and self-indulgent. But it's what's going on right now, and I am exhausted just trying to figure out how to pull out of it.
I started on my new plan last week and saw some pounds go back on (from eating more carbs... fruit and dairy). I got bummed out about it. My eating has not been stellar since. Part of me just doesn't care what I weigh. The other part of me is panicking right now. I am really concerned with what I am seeing on the scale.
Anyway, I am okay... and not. I am finding a lot of joy in the things I love, like watching my daughter dance, volunteering at her school, and doing dog sports with my puppy. I am enjoying spring. I laugh every day, I walk a couple miles every day, I savor some fresh fruit every day. And also, every day I feel like I am stagnating. I wonder why I do not actually DO all the things I plan. I feel alone. I go to bed wishing I had used my time more wisely.
I see a big renovation of my life coming. I spent over a decade being so obese that I could hardly function. I spent that 10+ years in a cage of my own flesh that I built with Big Macs and brownies. I finally escaped, and honestly, I don't know what to do with myself. I can't keep living the "obese life" I lived before. I am doing *more* but really, not enough. I have not changed my life *enough*... setting aside weight and diet and exercise for one moment... I just have not overhauled my actual day-to-day life and my goals and dreams and what I am working for on the same scale that I overhauled my body.
I am mulling it over, trying to work it out, trying to take that first tentative step to wherever it is I am going.
2 hours ago