Thursday, April 28, 2011

Working It Out

So, I haven't blogged since Sunday. In fact I probably wouldn't blog tonight either, but I don't want to leave people hanging who I know do care about me.

Nothing major is wrong/going on. I have not gotten any news back on my cervical cancer screening, so I am sort of assuming everything was fine (although I will call to be sure). No one is sick (finally) and everyone is doing their thing. Kids working, going to college and school, enjoying spring. Me... well, I am mired.

I don't know how else to describe it. I feel, emotionally, like I am in quicksand. Does that make any sense? Everything I try to do seems difficult. Every time I try to get on top of things I get sucked under more. All my movements are in slow motion, and I just feel... mired. Like I need someone to reach a big, long branch out over the quicksand for me to grab onto. Like I need to be pulled to safety. Back onto solid land.

I didn't want to even blog it. It seems whiny and self-indulgent. But it's what's going on right now, and I am exhausted just trying to figure out how to pull out of it.

I started on my new plan last week and saw some pounds go back on (from eating more carbs... fruit and dairy). I got bummed out about it. My eating has not been stellar since. Part of me just doesn't care what I weigh. The other part of me is panicking right now. I am really concerned with what I am seeing on the scale.

Anyway, I am okay... and not. I am finding a lot of joy in the things I love, like watching my daughter dance, volunteering at her school, and doing dog sports with my puppy. I am enjoying spring. I laugh every day, I walk a couple miles every day, I savor some fresh fruit every day. And also, every day I feel like I am stagnating. I wonder why I do not actually DO all the things I plan. I feel alone. I go to bed wishing I had used my time more wisely.

I see a big renovation of my life coming. I spent over a decade being so obese that I could hardly function. I spent that 10+ years in a cage of my own flesh that I built with Big Macs and brownies. I finally escaped, and honestly, I don't know what to do with myself. I can't keep living the "obese life" I lived before. I am doing *more* but really, not enough. I have not changed my life *enough*... setting aside weight and diet and exercise for one moment... I just have not overhauled my actual day-to-day life and my goals and dreams and what I am working for on the same scale that I overhauled my body.

I am mulling it over, trying to work it out, trying to take that first tentative step to wherever it is I am going.

26 comments:

RhubarbLady said...

Thanks for touching base with us so we know you're doing: a)good, b) okay, c)awful, d)hanging in there, e)none of the above, or f)some, but not all, of the above.

Sounds like you're ready for something new-class, hobby, outing, something, anything! (And no, it doesn't have to be sky-diving!)

Do you have a decent local library? You could check out a variety of books and see if anything tickles your fancy. We've been looking into yoga lately and gardening.

RhubarbLady said...

AS always, feel free to take or reject any ideas or suggestions-many of us just want to try to offer our two cents and wouldn't mind if we could be (in part) a branch to help you out of the quicksand!

Lyn said...

RhubarbLady (love the name!)~

I wouldn't mind finding a new hobby... something I could do at home when the kids are asleep. Actually my new love is dog sports. I am actively training for competition obedience and tracking with my pup, and I LOVE it. I would do more, but part of my frustration is not having anyone to watch my little one if I am gone very often. I am kind of at my limit for "alone time" until she starts school full time next year.

Deb Willbefree said...

Hi. You just described the classic symptoms of depression. Really. Textbook.

Depressive symptoms can have all kinds of causes other than being simply a mood disorder r/t emotions gone wrong.

It could be a temporary reaction to the amount of illness and stress you've been under.

If so, doing something like getting outside in the fresh air and relxing may help lift your mood. If it does, you may have your answer. If not, keep looking.

Or getting too little sleep.

It could be a chemical your ingesting--new meds? new vitamins or supplements? Sometimes certain meds or supplements that once wokred fine can turn on you and cause depression, too. Like Xanax or St. John's Wort, for instance.

If you taking meds or food supplements/dditives, I suggest that you Google them r/t side effects even if you've taken them for a long time.

You're a smart lady and able to assess what may be the contributing factors. If you come up witn nothing and the feeling of being mired down that you described continues, talk to an MD.

Hugs and prayers.

Deb

Eschelle said...

oh darling you have to just keep your chin up and keep on going. The only way we fail is when we quit, one day at a time. You might not be perfect everyday but the point is you keep trying!

Desert Singer said...

You're doing the best you can, with what you have, where you are (a summation of a Teddy Roosevelt quote).

You're doing your best, and your best will change from moment to moment. Savor how far you've come, breathe in how much success you've had.

And thanks for sharing... always :D

Ellen said...

Gee, it sounds to me like you are digesting. Pondering the changes, the possibilities and feeling where you are right now. You have made a big change, and some things feel different - you have a different perspective. I would expect that what you want has changed, too. Allowing a bit of time to dream... that is not quicksand - it is precious sorting through work done on many levels. But, that is just my take on it.

Lyn said...

Thanks very much guys. I am glad I blogged it. Your comments make me feel better and also help me think it through.

Deb~

Oh, yes, I think you hit it with the sleep comment. I am absolutely not getting enough sleep. I might get to bed by midnight, half hour to fall asleep, then around 1-2 the little one comes in (usually)... she seems to always wake in the night and I let her come snuggle in my bed, which is fine but means I don't really get to sleep til 2 or so. And then the puppy is up at 6. I would like to shift my sleep pattern by going to bed before 10. I just savor the peaceful, alone time in the evening and stay up too late.

I am on a lot of natural supplements for my arthritis. I will check out side effects. Thanks for the suggestion.

Rhi said...

Lyn, thank you so much for posting this, it takes a lot of courage and you would be surprised with just how many people identify with you. I know that mired feeling, as I'm currently there via a recent breakup. It truly is the weirdest feeling, so thank you for sharing.

Diandra said...

Don't stuff your life with so much non-food stuff that you cannot do it all. You've got a bunch of kids, a life, a house that needs cleaning, a young and most likely very lively dog... don't forget that you actually *need* breaks and "lazy time".

Anonymous said...

Just a fly-by with a couple of thoughts:

This could be sort-of an "end of project" feeling, because you're changing to more of a maintenance-type diet. I know after I finish any major project -- like a performance of some sort -- I have a let-down feeling.

My other thought is -- could this be partially a physical reaction to the foods you're eating? I can tell you my mood turns to crap when, um, that's what I'm eating. Especially if my diet's carb-heavy.

I know you'll work it out and come out the other side better for it!

Arabella

Debbie said...

I don't have any words of wisdom or advise, but I am glad that you shared what you are feeling right now. Now you know how much your friends care.

I'll be think of you and saying a prayer when I do.

CJ said...

Following is my experience...
A few years back I lost almost 100 pounds. I had been obese for 15 years before that. I thought when I lost the weight, my life would be different, it would be "better." My health was better, I looked better in clothes, I felt better. But my life was basically the same. I remember feeling like you are describing. When I was obese, I didn't deal with feelings or issues. I ate them! When I was successfully losing, I still didn't deal with feelings or issues as I only focused on weightloss. When the weight was gone, and it was time for me to just live a healthy life, those feelings and issues were still there, and I didn't know how, hadn't learned, how to deal with them. I started eating them again, and gained back all those pounds plus a few more. I am seeing a therapist this time around, hoping to learn how to process things without focusing on food. I don't know if that is how it is for you, but maybe it is something to think about and be aware of.
Be good to yourself, CJ

Lynna said...

Great comments... you know, it sounds as though you have untrapped Lyn's body, and not it is time to do the work to free her spirit. To find out who you are and to live freely and abundantly the life you were created to live. Depression is such a great signpost that something isn't right in your life and cries out for attention. Sending prayers and love.

Anonymous said...

maybe you have some time during the day when the kids are in school to take up a new hobby, a part-time job doing something you love... a new beginning. "If you always do - what you always did... You'll always get what you always got".. somthing like that. good luck Patty

Bunpoh said...

It's not whiny or self-indulgent at all to blog about how you're doing. It's okay for life to not be all rainbows and sunshine, even if there's no exterior problems. I really feel what you mean, that you are lighter but your life hasn't changed enough. I am going through some of that too. I had subconsciously hoped that it would turn into rainbows and sunshine when I lost X amount of weight. It hasn't quite worked like that. I am still trying to figure out what happiness looks like, and what to do with myself, too.

My counselor is helping a LOT.

Also, it really struck me that you said you feel alone. I am lucky that I am really close to my partner and have some close friends and family that I hang out with at least once or twice a week. This boosts my mood and self-esteem considerably, and keeps me from getting too lonely. Do you have people like that in your life? If not, is there any way you can start hanging out with others more? Maybe a parenting or other kind of support group where you guys can take turns with a small group watching the kids and the rest having discussions. Or finding other people from bloggerland who live in your area and can meet up with you for coffee. Just finding way to connect with others on a regular basis would be helpful, if you don't already have that.

Best wishes.

timothy said...

ok darlin at the happiest point in your life what were your wildest dreams? there is no reason you can't reach for the stars you are an amazing beautiful caring woman who can do anything you put your mind to, you've already proven that! i'm on the fence as to whether you need empathy or a swift kick in the shins so i'm offering both! all the good intentions in the world don't mean a thing unless you follow through. my best advice just do it even if you don't want to or don't think you can! BELIVE IT BE IT!

Lyn said...

A lot to think about from you all...

I am realizing that part of my emotion stems from being 41 and life is NOT what I had dreamed or hoped. In fact my huge, big, important "goal" as a teen and into my 30's was to have a wonderful marriage and raise lots of kids with a loving husband. All my other goals revolved around a church I no longer belong to.

So here I am, trying to revamp my life as my older kids graduate and move on with forming their own, independant lives. My whole life revoled around my children and they are growing up and moving on, and I am thus feeling alone.

And other stuff...

Princess Dieter said...

Two things came to mind. Depression. Thyroid dysfunction. (And the second can lead to the first).

You had your thyroid checked lately?

Glad you posted. Hugs

Lyn said...

Princess D~

I had my thyroid checked about a year ago and was normal. I have really wondered about the depression thing. I looked up symptoms online, etc and have tried to assess how I feel. I don't *think* I am depressed though... I still find a lot of joy in the things I love, it's just this underlying "crap, what have I done with my life? What am I GOING TO DO with my life?" feeling. Restless, wondering, not sure what direction to go... sort of "stuck" in indecision. And annoyed that the weight thing is not going so well, too.

Anonymous said...

you need to meet a new man - hahahah - or at least get out there and start dating again... social events really do it for me when i'm feeling down. something to look forward to once a week. have a friday night group where you alternate homes with friends... networking is great - good luck.. xo Patty

tiffany said...

HI Lyn,
Really relate to your post today. I went throught that same phase at 41. Part of it was this weird overwhelming boredom. I felt like I could predict what the second half of my life was going to be. Having a dog is impacts the non sleeping more than people realize! I hope it gets easier.

Anonymous said...

Hi Lyn

A few thoughts in my head..I agree with DebWillBeFree..this does sound like depression of some type.
But also,Tiffany made a point about your age. I also went through a really tough phase between the ages of 40 to 45...classic midlife crisis ;)
Thanks for blogging - I was getting a little concerned.
Hugs, as ever, from England
Helen xx

Lynna said...

I went through something very similar in my early 40s. Once the creative energy is dissipated away from procreation, it is as though the "universe" (God) begins working to call forth our energies in other creative ways for the kingdom. I have no doubt, that, as you pay attention, you will find your north star and your life of abundance is just right there waiting to be discovered, unleashed, revealed, unfolded... like a buried treasure that's always been there. Seek and ye shall find. Enjoy the search... there's alot of joy and fun to be had in the exploration. (One signpost I've always heard: When you were about ten to twelve years old, what did you love to do?)

Anonymous said...

Lyn,

I have no advice, but am grateful that you updated as I was worried about you.

I wish life was easier for you right now, but I appreciate your honesty. I am 31, married, but childless and just do not know where my life is going or where I want it to go and I feel so uncertain and lonely.
Thank you for reminding me that other people struggle too.

hopefulandfree said...

Ah yes, I know it well, the human condition. Loneliness, isolation, beauty, longing for things to make sense, hope for security, loss, change, sadness, love...

It's okay. We are human. We grow and change even when it seems we are stuck.

While losing over 120 lbs and learning to live with that loss, I found I needed much more than a lifestyle change. I needed a new way of thinking about life. Period. Unless I was willing to go back to old patterns, and the prices I paid for illusions of safety, I HAD to change my perspective on existence, on myself, on what matters...

It's a process. You are doing fine. Be patient with yourself. Be patient with the universe. :)