Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Woke Up

I dreamed last night, all night, of food.

I dreamed I was in a gigantic mall with every kind of food booth and buffet line and I needed to eat. I was truly hungry. I went through one line with a lot of people, waiting a long, long time. When I got to the food it was cafeteria style. I told them I wanted vegetables. They gave me a plate with radishes on it. I hate raw radishes. I walked along the line and pointed to green beans and asparagus and they put them on my plate. I couldn't find any healthy protein at all... no chicken, no fish, no plain lean meat. At the end of the line I thought, "well, I will just eat all the vegetables, I will be okay." I handed my plate to the cashier, who weighed it and charged me for it and then when she handed back the plate, all the vegetables were fried or covered in grease.

I dreamed I went to a food booth in this same vast, dimly-lit mall and saw "spinach water" on the menu board. I thought, hey, that could be healthy! I asked the lady, "what is in the spinach water?" and she ignored me. I asked someone else behind the counter, "can you tell me what is in the spinach water?" and he laughed at me. Another man kept asking what I meant. "I mean, what ingredients are in the spinach water?" and he didn't know. No one could tell me, so I didn't order it.

I dreamed I was at the food court, people sitting all around me eating Chinese food and pizza in a darkened, spacious room. I had brought my own lunch because I wanted to eat healthy and there was nothing healthy at this mall. I sat down with my kids to eat, but realized I didn't bring a fork. I walked past a long line of people to the end of the buffet line where the condiments were. I took a plastic fork, and then I noticed some nice fresh green Romaine on the condiment bar. I went over and looked at it. A man approached and started telling me what scum I am for cutting in front of the long line of people, and for taking things I hadn't paid for. He accused me of stealing a hot dog. "There aren't even any hot dogs here!" I said. I tried to explain I was just getting a plastic fork to eat the lunch I brought for myself, and the man sneered and walked away. As he did so, another man stepped up. "There have been a lot of complaints about you coming here every day and cutting in front of the line. Did you pay for the food you took?" I explained that I had not even been there before, that I just walked up to get a plastic fork, and hadn't taken anything... but as I said this the man pulled out his police badge and a pair of handcuffs and started to put them on me. "Oh please no!" I cried, "this is all a misunderstanding! Please! I didn't take anything!" But he continued to cuff me as my children sat at the table waiting.

And then I woke up.

I have a lot on my mind, but the most important thing I want to share is this. I woke up this morning after a hellish night of food dreams and stomach pains and itchy hives. I felt pretty horrible and alone and discouraged. I sat down with my coffee and I came here. When I started reading the comments on my last post, I was touched. I kept reading, all the words of kindness and support and REAL CARING coming through the screen... I just could hardly believe it. I mean, I shouldn't be surprised... you guys have proven time and time again that you are there for me and you care about me and understand my struggles. But I honestly got choked up and had tears in my eyes at the comments this time. I cannot thank you each and individually enough... I really can't. Thank you so much. I literally feel buoyed up and supported this morning. So much content in those comments... and I wish I could reach out and hug each of you for taking the time to  leave them. It meant the world to me this morning. It changed my day, already. Thank you. Thank you so, so much. You made a gigantic difference in my heart.


Kari said...

What a terrible dream!!

As for everything thing else. One thing I've learned since my very recent entry into the blogging world is that all of us weight losers are in this together! Our struggles and battles are all different but we're all fighting the same war, how can we not support a comrade in arms? Especially one who has inspired as much as you.

Ex Fat Girl said...

I have to agree with Kari, we all have our downs and ups with the weight loss sometimes we are on a roll and sometimes we are eating a roll either way I am glad that your "keeping it real" and showing how easy it can be to lose and sometimes how hard it can be as well

One step at a time! Rome wasn't build in one day ;)

Lynna said...

When I read your last post, I thought how vitally important it is that we have community for this journey of life, and how cyber-community can make a difference. So glad to read that you are sensing the support and the connection. We are in this thing together... even if it's a different kind of community than the face to face kind.

Bet a psychotherapist would have fun analyzing that dream!

Hanlie said...

What an interesting dream! Terrifying, for sure, but fascinating. Well done for remembering so much about it. I never really paid attention to dreams until someone told me that every person in my dream was actually ME. Different aspects of me. So when there is conflict in my dream, there is conflict within me. It can be quite useful to figure out what your unconscious mind is trying to tell you. Of course it's not trying to tell you the truth, but it's extremely empowering to be able to expose the lie.

I'm glad you're feeling better!

Dinahsoar said...

Lyn--I detect the food police live in your head and they have too much power. Granted it is better to eat healthy food. But occasionally eating junk is not the death knell.

Until I kicked the food police out of my head I had too much emotion wrapped up in my food choices and it is draining and exhausting.

I find that if a hot dog is what I really want to eat, I'd best eat a hot dog. Having eaten the thing I am satisfied and I move on.

This can only happen because I kicked the food police out. If I hadn't, and I eat a hot dog--those food police will nag and nag and heap guilt on me and compound what is really not so big a deal. And it becomes an relentlessness vicious cycle.

This kicking out the food police is part of the Intuitive Eating methodology...and it made all the difference in the world to me.

Seeing food choices in black and white as in 'this is a bad choice, this is a good choice' isn't really is harmful more often than not.

Better to eat some of what you crave with pleasure and gusto than to deny, or eat it and beat yourself up.

I say this because I detect from reading many of your posts that one of the reasons you want to get off of Medifast is so you can eat real, whole, healthy food.

Well, that is a good reason.

But craving and even eating foods that are not the best from a health angle is not that big of a deal.

The big deal I think is being able to become a person who is comfortable with food, who eats when she is hungry, stops when she is no longer hungry, without binging or analyzing or agonizing over her choices.

After all--it's just food. It shouldn't have such power over us. A hot dog is protein and fat and carbs.

And keep in mind--this may help you, it helps me: many people live their whole life eating nothing but crap and never get heart disease or cancer, live to a ripe old age with little disability...while others who are so careful and eat 'perfectly' from a health/nutrition standpoint still get sick, and die young of very serious disease like cancer, heart disease etc.

There are no gurantees when it comes to food and health. It is a heavy burden to think that every bite you put into your mouth is a serious issue.

So eat your junk sometimes--and relish it, enjoy it. Eat your healthy foods, like vegetables and fruits-with the same joy and relish. Being able to eat is a gift, a blessing--be it hot dogs and Doritoes or lean pork loin with sweet potatoe and broccoli.

Lori said...

What a horrible night! I'm glad you woke up to a pleasant reality.

I used to dream that I'd eaten a whole cake and then realized it wasn't on plan. I'd fret & worry about what to about it. I'd be so relieved when I woke up. I tried to use those feelings when I was tempted to eat something I shouldn't when I was awake. It worked some.

I hope the hives, & sinuses are better

spunkysuzi said...

What an awful dream! I think I would've woken with heart palpatations!
I do think that sometimes our minds are so focused on food, eating and being on plan that guilt really does a number on us.
"hugs" take care of yourself!!

Michele said...

I have not visited your blog fro a while, but, this post reminds me, too of how caring the blogging community is. I feel the arms of fellow bloggers around me all the time. They are around you, too. Hang in there. You have come far...

Kelly L said...

What an awful dream.. I hope things begin to look up very soon for you. Your weight loss and healthy choices inspire me.
I've Become My Mother
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Amazing Salvation