I just figured something out. Just now.
Part of me doesn't care if I weigh what I weigh now. Part of me is just fine with it.
I weigh in the range of 185 pounds right now. It is on the high end of comfort for me, but I am okay with it. I can do most of what I want. I can fit in most of my clothes. I pretty much like how I look. It's *better* at 175, yes. But part of me is really just fine with *this* weight. Because it is so, so, so much better than I have been for most of the last 15 years. It's really not so bad. I am *not* okay with 193, which was my high weight this month and felt utterly huge and miserable and all my pants fit wrong and I had a muffin top going on. But 185 feels pretty good.
And I like food. And I think about eating some cheese or bread and butter or whatever, and it doesn't seem so bad right now. Because, well, part of me doesn't care if I lose anymore weight or not! Maybe 185 and a carton of ice cream is happier for me than 175 and no ice cream at all.
That is me being totally honest. I mean, really, the *other* part of me is NOT happy at this weight. I want to be thinner. I sure feel way, way thinner at 175 than 185! Those ten pounds do make a difference. And I feel better too.
But the fact remains that this much weight is not good for my body. I have a strong family history of heart disease, with many family members dying rather young from heart attacks... my own father gone too soon 21 years ago. My mother died of ovarian cancer at 57 years of age, and obesity is a risk factor I don't need. Her belly was so large that she didn't even notice the huge tumor until it was far too late... she died a mere 11 days after she was diagnosed with cancer. And I have severe degenerative arthritis. In fact I began my weight loss journey to try and regain my mobility because I was suffering so much from joint pain that I could barely walk. I don't have much joint pain anymore (which is a miracle because it used to be ever-present on a daily basis) but every pound I take off my knees and hips will give me more time before I will need replacement surgery (so says my orthopedic surgeon). So, for health reasons, I really do need to keep going and drop another 20 or 30 pounds.
That, and I'd like to comfortably wear my size 10 jeans again. And the batwing arm flab has GOT to go.
So in moments like those I had tonight, I have to remind myself that while I *feel* just fine right now at this weight, and I would *almost* be willing to live with the size 12's and the flabby arms so I could have a loaf of garlic bread for dinner, it is not in my best interests to stay here. That if I do, in 10 years I may very well regret it because of resultant health concerns. When I am sitting here all happy and content and thinking how nice my body is (comparatively speaking), and I think I could really go for a huge pizza and some Coke, I have to stop and say, "No, your HEALTH is more important."
So I stay on plan and have faith that in the end I will be glad I did.
Friday Update and Reality Check
5 hours ago