Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Why

I just figured something out. Just now.

Part of me doesn't care if I weigh what I weigh now. Part of me is just fine with it.

I weigh in the range of 185 pounds right now. It is on the high end of comfort for me, but I am okay with it. I can do most of what I want. I can fit in most of my clothes. I pretty much like how I look. It's *better* at 175, yes. But part of me is really just fine with *this* weight. Because it is so, so, so much better than I have been for most of the last 15 years. It's really not so bad. I am *not* okay with 193, which was my high weight this month and felt utterly huge and miserable and all my pants fit wrong and I had a muffin top going on. But 185 feels pretty good.

And I like food. And I think about eating some cheese or bread and butter or whatever, and it doesn't seem so bad right now. Because, well, part of me doesn't care if I lose anymore weight or not! Maybe 185 and a carton of ice cream is happier for me than 175 and no ice cream at all.

That is me being totally honest. I mean, really, the *other* part of me is NOT happy at this weight. I want to be thinner. I sure feel way, way thinner at 175 than 185! Those ten pounds do make a difference. And I feel better too.

But the fact remains that this much weight is not good for my body. I have a strong family history of heart disease, with many family members dying rather young from heart attacks... my own father gone too soon 21 years ago. My mother died of ovarian cancer at 57 years of age, and obesity is a risk factor I don't need. Her belly was so large that she didn't even notice the huge tumor until it was far too late... she died a mere 11 days after she was diagnosed with cancer. And I have severe degenerative arthritis. In fact I began my weight loss journey to try and regain my mobility because I was suffering so much from joint pain that I could barely walk. I don't have much joint pain anymore (which is a miracle because it used to be ever-present on a daily basis) but every pound I take off my knees and hips will give me more time before I will need replacement surgery (so says my orthopedic surgeon). So, for health reasons, I really do need to keep going and drop another 20 or 30 pounds.

That, and I'd like to comfortably wear my size 10 jeans again. And the batwing arm flab has GOT to go.

So in moments like those I had tonight, I have to remind myself that while I *feel* just fine right now at this weight, and I would *almost* be willing to live with the size 12's and the flabby arms so I could have a loaf of garlic bread for dinner, it is not in my best interests to stay here. That if I do, in 10 years I may very well regret it because of resultant health concerns. When I am sitting here all happy and content and thinking how nice my body is (comparatively speaking), and I think I could really go for a huge pizza and some Coke, I have to stop and say, "No, your HEALTH is more important."

So I stay on plan and have faith that in the end I will be glad I did.

18 comments:

Pretty Pauline said...

I struggle with these thoughts, as I really believe that if society didn't think so badly of fat people I might be happy even as heavy as I am. ~sigh~ So many thoughts going with this one I don't know where to begin...

Dillypoo said...

I used to have the same thoughts. It took a long time for me to move past them and embrace a thinner, healthier me. My life has changed completely since, and I'm happier for it. I hope you can find the same continued success and peace that I have!

Anonymous said...

Not to mention the obvious--if you went for that garlic bread dinner or large pizza, you wouldn't stay at 185 for long. I thoroughly enjoy and am inspired by your honest, upfront approach to your journey. Your insights always get me thinking.

Anonymous said...

I just have to say that I really love you. Your struggles as so like my own. I lost 60 pounds last year and since the summer (and work stresses that are nearly unbearable) I have put back 40. FORTY.
For months I had the on/off struggles you are having now. Don't quit! I wish I had not given in. Now I am back in fat clothes (which I had to buy all new of because I thought this was the last time.)I am very depressed about it. Don't give in. 185 is not good enough and not where you are supposed to be. You can do this! Keep fighting. Maintaining is the hardest part. But it will be worth it. It will get easier. You will get in a grove to that part too and then it will seem natural.
Just remember that food is a tool and it isn't a friend. You control it.

Ximena said...

Wow you really are an inspiration. I found your blog last night and I've been reading and learning a lot from you. THANK YOU SO MUCH for your honesty, you struggles, your strength, yes your strength because is not always easy to wing the battle with cravings and indulgence. We are not perfect and we are very hard on ourselves specially when we are constantly tempted or when we see results and we start to think "is ok if I allow myself to eat a piece of cheese, it won't hurt me..."The thing is that we start to fall of the wagon and we stop making the right decision for our health and our life goals. Thank you for helping us realize that we make mistakes but we also have second chances and that life is about new beginnings. Thank you for being an inspiration.

Anonymous said...

GREAT ENTRY!!!! LOVE your honesty!!! From the moment I read your blog I was inspired
God Bless you on your journey!!!
with admiration
Stacey from Sylmar California

Lori said...

I really appreciate this entry because I had an 'aha' moment. I think I must be experiencing the same thing on a subconsious level.

I'm hovering in the 170's after coming down from 254. I feel good in my clothes and think I look like most everyone else. Some of the urgency is gone for sure.

I'm only 25 lbs from goal. It seems so easy compared to 109 lbs. I don't think I'm trying hard enough anymore.

Thanks for the spark.
Lori

Lyn said...

Anonymous~

actually, that's kind of the thing... I *can* stay right close to 185 pounds and eat a loaf of garlic bread or a pizza for dinner, as long as I get back on plan *most* of the time after. In fact I have stayed about 185 pounds for about 4 months by doing that very thing... having a pint of ice cream and a ton of pizza and then going back on plan for a couple of weeks. Gain 5, lose 5, gain 5, lose 5... not exactly the kind of "maintaining" I was hoping for but I do maintain around this weight with some pretty crazy indulgences as long as I am on plan, say, 80% of the time. I just can't *lose* more weight doing that.

Anonymous said...

Have you had your body composition measured? When I was at 170 lbs (in the 80's!) my body composition was really good, even though my weight "on the charts" was unacceptable.

Lyn said...

Anonymous~

no, I haven't. I did use calipers to measure body fat some time ago.

I am pretty sure I have plenty of fat left to lose though. I can see and feel it especially on my thighs and belly. And I have not been working out, just walking, because I was sick for a month. Plan to work on that this summer.

colleen said...

Hey I am with you on the same level. I had a moment of I am comfortable with my weight last week and thought about giving up and maintaining it at that point. But then the more I thought about it the more I realized I needed to keep going and get into a healthy weight range for my height etc. Of course I am comfortable 100 pounds lighter and think it is good enough because I was obese for so long.
It is hard work, and yes the ice cream may taste good but at the end of the day we have to do what is best for our health. And I realized for me I will be happiest when I am healthy and not looking into an ice cream dish. Food does not give us happiness and this is a battle we must work together to over come. It is taking me a long time but I am slowly looking at food as just fuel for my body.

I wish you all the best!

~ Lyndsay The Kitchen Witch said...

I related to this so MUCH! I have had the same conversations with myself and it's great knowing I'm not alone. Bringing it back to health, though, is what keeps me going. That, and I want to match the picture I have of myself (in my mind) of a fit and athletic person - I want to be her again.

Debbie said...

I appreciate your honesty. I think we all have that battle going on in our heads. I know that I have to lose 60 more lbs. for health reasons. I want to try and avoid the knee and hip replacement surgeries that my grandma & mom had, also the type 2 diabetes my mom & sister have.
So for me it's onward & downward.

Sandra said...

Great post, Lyn, and great comment Ann...just keep doing what you're doing. You WILL get there and never look back :)

Anonymous said...

What worries me for you is that you are still living with "diet" thinking, instead of "lifestyle" thinking. Is this, or is this not the way that you will live for the rest of your life? I guess that's the peril of a "program", one knows that one day the "program" will end and THEN you'll have to find the lifestyle (in terms of food) that you will choose to sustain for the rest of your life.

Lyn said...

Anonymous~

No, it's a diet for sure. I did a couple years of "lifestyle" type of losing on this blog and got down to 214 pounds. But for me, a "diet" is what's working for me now. I have blogged about this before but basically my feelings on this and you can read more here:

http://escapefromobesity.blogspot.com/2010/05/for-rest-of-your-life-diet-or-lifestyle.html

But Medifast does have a transition and maintenance plan that *can be* a lifetime, lifestyle plan without the use of Medifast products. I am planning to do that program and end up with a more whole foods, locally grown, plant based way of eating similar to what I was doing before Medifast but with smaller portions, less carbs, higher protein.

MB said...

maybe there is a happy medium. Shoot for a small ice cream instead of a carton and a slice instead of a whole loaf. I'm feeling the same about the last 15 I have to lose. Everything is ok in moderation. Keep taking care of yourself.

Cat said...

I think the thought process you are having now has historically derailed me from losing the weight I want- although much sooner, unfortunately. Every time I just lose a few pounds, my fattest clothes don't fit anymore, and I feel a lot better, I already ease up and kind of reward myself, and it is a rapid slippery slope. Good to hear someone else going through (and PUSHING through) those thoughts!