Friday, March 4, 2011

What I See

Second post today...

Things are heavy on my mind. I am really not satisfied with my body right now. I thought maybe I was... I even considered that 175 might be "goal" for me. I look good, can wear nice clothes, have a much better quality of life at that weight. I wondered if maybe it was enough, and I should switch to maintaining.

But it's *not* where I want to stop. It's really not. I have been telling myself all this time that the only reason I want to lose more weight is because of my knees. My doctor says I need to get more extra weight off of them in order to avoid knee surgery, and they are in pretty bad shape. Every five pounds I lose results in less pain and less wear and tear on those joints. Aside from that, I told myself, I am happy with 175.

But I'm not. Not really. I don't like the extra fat on my body right now. I *know* I have body dysmorphic disorder, because a lot of the time I still see "morbidly obese" when I look in the mirror. I still don't have an accurate view of my true size. A week or two ago I was in a store, walking through an aisle. Up ahead there was a woman who probably weighed around 300 pounds, standing next to a pole in the aisle. There was a small space between her and the pole. I knew I couldn't fit. So I stopped, smiled, and said "excuse me." She moved over, but only about an inch. I looked at the space, and I knew it was not big enough for me to squeeze through. I figured *she* had some body image issues too, maybe not realizing how large she is. But I didn't want to make a scene so I figured I'd just go ahead and try to slide through that little space and when I brushed against her hip then she'd get the message and move. Only, I fit. I not only "slid" through, I fit just fine, never touching her OR the post. I was shocked. And the other day in the shower I looked down at my body and saw, yes SAW 278 pounds. I swear I saw it! I stood there looking and trying to remember ever looking down before I lost weight and seeing something 100 pounds bigger, and I couldn't. I see the same body. I kept looking and thinking and wondering how that is even possible. I don't really get it. But I see morbidly obese. Not all the time, but often enough to make me think.

So... I wonder if I will get to whatever goal I set for myself and still see that, and maybe never be truly satisfied with my body. I dunno. I am pretty shocked sometimes when I get dressed and look in the mirror and see an average sized person. But it happens. I guess my brain is taking time to catch up, which is crazy because when I weighed 278 pounds I usually saw an average sized or maybe "a bit chubby" woman in the mirror.

Anyway, I do want to lose some more weight. I am still pretty darn sick and have no idea when I will be better, but I think I am going to have to just start *acting* like I am better, to the best of my ability. I don't mean to push myself so hard I crash, but I do mean to stop coddling the poor, sick me. When I was a kid, poor sick me got grilled cheese sandwiches, and ice cream, and French Toast. Stuff like that. I got to lay around and read books and do nothing all day, and got "special treats" like popsicles or sodas and chips when I was sick. Well, poor sick me doesn't need all that. My throat isn't sore anymore and the nausea is going away, so there's no reason I can't get back to eating more veggies and stuff. The severe, disabling headache is gone, so there's no reason I can't start doing a bit more for myself and my health. I've been waiting for almost 3 weeks to feel better so I can focus on losing weight again, but I am getting tired of waiting. I am going to give it a shot tomorrow and see how I feel.


sumoffood said...

well i can certainly relate to that mentality "waiting to feel better" and yes being ill has some benefits... i have been waiting to feel better since Jan 16 and it just aint happening (i have a number of health issues). so like you i think i too will fake it till i make it... push myself a bit harder, with both eyes open though... good luck and may you continue to feel better... i too have decided that this weight i have settled on can be reduced by another 20 so here goes!!!

Forty Pound Sack said...

I know I don't see myself as I am. Some days I "feel" thinner and some days I "feel" fatter and those feelings, strange as it sounds, affect what I see when I look in the mirror. The weird thing is, the way I feel has nothing to do with what I actually weigh that day. Now what's up with that??

Dillypoo said...

Lyn, after I lost a certain amount I, too, stalled for several months. Most of it was mental. I couldn't fathom myself any smaller than I was. I was scared and disbelieving. When I'd iron a pair of pants, I couldn't believe that the tiny (or so that size 10 seemed) actually fit me. I was used to one pants leg covering the ironing board.

But I persevered and eventually my mind caught up to my weight loss. I lost another 15 pounds and two more sizes and now I finally see the slim person I've become.

You will too.

Feel better soon!

Brandi {1 of 2} said...

I hope you feel better soon! It's tough being so sick and still trying to eat right. And I'm glad to hear you have an epipen.. yikes! I hope you figure out which med is causing the hives.

Christina said...

Just sending good thoughts your way . . . I hope you feel better soon!

Anonymous said...

I could have written this post.

175 on the scale has sets me off. In fact, I've written about it several times. Sigh. Several times--since I've seen and run from 175 since June.

I'm now at about 190. This last "run" paid off pretty big, I tell you.

I did feel normal at 175 and have also wondered if maybe that was the weight I was meant to be. I'm only 5'5"--it's not.

But, once again, I'm having to work my way back to that magic & fearful number. S'up with that, anyway?!

The being physically smaller and not knowing it? Yep. Several times I was surprised that I had enough space somewhere. The actual shock was so real that it would make me laugh at myself.

It is mostly mental--although you ARE physically ill. Tough combo, that.

I had surgery the end of November and being in pain really set off the need to feed. For the reasons you wrote. Same food, too.

You're in a good place now, tho. Wanting to get back, planning your strategy for what will work for you. That's a good thing.


Anonymous said...

You do look great! And, I understand the body image bit. 10 years ago, at 37, I lost around 80lbs, felt great and was the thinnest I'd ever been. I met my now husband, discovered we both liked to eat, and gained it all back and more. Now, 10 years later, I'm back on the "losing weight bandwagon". I've lost about 65lbs and am feeling so much better. But my biggest question for myself at this point is why did I let that weight loss go so quickly. I didn't keep within 10 lbs of my lowest weight for more than 6 months before the weight started creeping on, then flew on the following year. Those numbers, the body size, it's a difficult thing to handle. I love reading your blog and following your journey, it's helped me along the way.

Hanlie said...

You will know when you are at your "right" weight. Good luck!

Julia Stambor said...

I can so relate to the "not perceiving your body at the size it really is" thing. It seems to be a fact that the body´s interior concept of what it looks like on the outside may be taking time to catch up with any changes. For me, that has also been true on the way up. I went from mere overweight to morbidly obese in a very short time frame (long story there...)and, even though I was weighing myself often and knew, intellectually, that I was fat,I kept bumping into things because I underestimated the space I would need to pass them.
And now that I have lost over a third of what I want to come off, I still catch myself gauging any narrow passage in my way for whether the fat me would fit through. But then again, the fat me is the body I had been living in for almost seven years. As you have been overweight a long time, too, it may be just good ol´habit rearing its head, not a case of body dysmorphic disorder. Which perhaps also explains why one can take so long to really *see* the fat. I know the feeling you described in your earlier post titled "I woke up fat", too.
I´m certain that someday, you´ll "wake up slim", with your internal representation having woken up to the fact that the fat is gone.
Don´t let the discrepancy between what you feel like sometimes and what a mirror ans scales show you drive you off the wagon- it´ll resolve itself. At least, that´s what I keep telling myself every time I reach for those size 54 (European) tents instead of the by now much smaller size I really wear.

beerab said...

*hugs* glad you are feeling better!

I know how you feel- some days I put my clothes on and go "wow I look great" then other days I'm like ug I'm still freaking FAT....

It'll get better :)

My 21 days said...

When I was first loosing my weight, I could see it. I always saw it. I dropped 70lbs and was like WOW...I had never in my live been that 240. And...then I got... well I was stuck at 240 for like 3 months, because I wasn't trying. I'm at 210 now... I still see the fat girl in the mirror. Sometimes I think I look the same as I did when I was 300lbs... I wonder if my brain will ever catch up. You can do it, you've come this far :). Don't let that voice in the back of your head rule you, don't become complacent. You've got a goal, you can do it.