Second post today...
Things are heavy on my mind. I am really not satisfied with my body right now. I thought maybe I was... I even considered that 175 might be "goal" for me. I look good, can wear nice clothes, have a much better quality of life at that weight. I wondered if maybe it was enough, and I should switch to maintaining.
But it's *not* where I want to stop. It's really not. I have been telling myself all this time that the only reason I want to lose more weight is because of my knees. My doctor says I need to get more extra weight off of them in order to avoid knee surgery, and they are in pretty bad shape. Every five pounds I lose results in less pain and less wear and tear on those joints. Aside from that, I told myself, I am happy with 175.
But I'm not. Not really. I don't like the extra fat on my body right now. I *know* I have body dysmorphic disorder, because a lot of the time I still see "morbidly obese" when I look in the mirror. I still don't have an accurate view of my true size. A week or two ago I was in a store, walking through an aisle. Up ahead there was a woman who probably weighed around 300 pounds, standing next to a pole in the aisle. There was a small space between her and the pole. I knew I couldn't fit. So I stopped, smiled, and said "excuse me." She moved over, but only about an inch. I looked at the space, and I knew it was not big enough for me to squeeze through. I figured *she* had some body image issues too, maybe not realizing how large she is. But I didn't want to make a scene so I figured I'd just go ahead and try to slide through that little space and when I brushed against her hip then she'd get the message and move. Only, I fit. I not only "slid" through, I fit just fine, never touching her OR the post. I was shocked. And the other day in the shower I looked down at my body and saw, yes SAW 278 pounds. I swear I saw it! I stood there looking and trying to remember ever looking down before I lost weight and seeing something 100 pounds bigger, and I couldn't. I see the same body. I kept looking and thinking and wondering how that is even possible. I don't really get it. But I see morbidly obese. Not all the time, but often enough to make me think.
So... I wonder if I will get to whatever goal I set for myself and still see that, and maybe never be truly satisfied with my body. I dunno. I am pretty shocked sometimes when I get dressed and look in the mirror and see an average sized person. But it happens. I guess my brain is taking time to catch up, which is crazy because when I weighed 278 pounds I usually saw an average sized or maybe "a bit chubby" woman in the mirror.
Anyway, I do want to lose some more weight. I am still pretty darn sick and have no idea when I will be better, but I think I am going to have to just start *acting* like I am better, to the best of my ability. I don't mean to push myself so hard I crash, but I do mean to stop coddling the poor, sick me. When I was a kid, poor sick me got grilled cheese sandwiches, and ice cream, and French Toast. Stuff like that. I got to lay around and read books and do nothing all day, and got "special treats" like popsicles or sodas and chips when I was sick. Well, poor sick me doesn't need all that. My throat isn't sore anymore and the nausea is going away, so there's no reason I can't get back to eating more veggies and stuff. The severe, disabling headache is gone, so there's no reason I can't start doing a bit more for myself and my health. I've been waiting for almost 3 weeks to feel better so I can focus on losing weight again, but I am getting tired of waiting. I am going to give it a shot tomorrow and see how I feel.
Food on the Brain
1 day ago