Tuesday, March 8, 2011

This Sucks.

I binged today. It's true.

It makes no sense. I don't get it. I seem to be going alone fine and suddenly get this overwhelming urge to eat junk. Just the other day I noted how I don't LIKE the binge anymore. I don't LIKE how it makes me feel, I get nothing out of it anymore. So why do it? I dunno, addiction? Self sabotage? Underlying emotional garbage? Or just lack of willpower?

How can someone lose 100 pounds, know how to lose weight, and yet stay snagged on that last 30 pounds they need to lose to be healthy? It's not like I have never succeeded. It's not like I just can't figure out how to lose weight. I get it. I'm not a "weight loss expert" but I feel like I am an expert on myself... yet, I don't know why I binged today. I mean, a true binge. I haven't done that in a long, long, long time. So, I want to blog it and not sweep it under the rug.

How I was feeling beforehand: Tired, run down, discouraged. Three weeks being sick, I felt better yesterday and then worse again this morning. Hives, headache, sinus pressure. Doctor called and told me to get back on those antibiotics for another week unless the hives get WORSE. Well they aren't worse, but not better either. So how I felt today? Exhausted, frustrated, in pain, and itchy. Discouraged.

Also my sense of smell seems to have left the building. At least about 80% of it. I can hardly smell anything. But today I started to smell something *yucky* but had no idea what it was. I wandered my house trying to find the source but my sense of smell is not 'there' enough to pinpoint the source of the bad smell. I can't even figure out WHAT it smells like. And it was bugging me all day. What smells bad in my house?? Do I need to have the carpets cleaned? Is it a certain batch of dirty laundry? Do I need to wash one of the dogs? Is there trash somewhere?? What?? And my kids were gone and/or I was gone all day so I still haven't figured it out.

I digress. So yes I was feeling really discouraged and tired. I had a couple of hard boiled eggs for breakfast. I had nearly NO appetite. I had a Medifast shake for a snack. I started looking at the bills. I feel like I have been in some kind of altered state for 3 weeks because I was so sick, and I just woke up. Reality: overdrawn bank account, overdue bills, expired dog license, and expired car tags! What a mess. So I set about driving around town trying to pay things and fix things and deposit things. And it was after lunchtime, and I figured I should eat something, but I wanted nothing. But I was sort of hungry, yet nothing sounded good. And I was just frustrated. You know?

I went to Dairy Queen and got a burger, onion rings and a Pepsi. I came home and ate most of that (dumped some Pepsi down the sink and threw away half of the bun). I thought about going out to dinner later but, um, no cash. And my stomach was super full. And I was annoyed with myself for eating greasy junk when my body needs nourishment.

And then my dog threw up. And my hives were itching. And my teenager wanted to argue about something ridiculous. And the car wouldn't start. And my daughter had a tantrum.

And then I went out, bought a quart of ice cream and 8 Reece's Peanut Butter Eggs, and ATE THEM ALL.

Yes. I put my little one to bed, turned on the Biggest Loser, and ate EIGHT Reece's Eggs and an entire QUART of ice cream.

I am so beyond sick, I cannot even tell you.

I don't really want advice. I just want to keep it real. Putting it out there because it is part of my journey. And I feel so absolutely worthless today, kind of hopeless about a lot of things, but not about weight loss. I might suck but I am not going to suck AND regain 100 pounds. But tonight, I am just so bummed out.

54 comments:

Anonymous said...

Oh Lyn, I am going through exactly the same thing as you *hugs*

I reached my goal weight on Saturday but I have been struggling with binge eating and today has been a junk food day.

*hugs* I too am tired and run down. We'll get through it, the sunny days will be back.

Thanks for keeping it real.

Eadie

DiZneDiVa said...

Binging sucks... but it's a part of our lives and it refuses to be left behind. We don't do it as often and we usually can't binge as much so it's better but It's our head messing with us again... Will we ever get control of the Head part of this thing? I tried wearing a headband but it didn't work like my lapband... just kept the hair out of my eyes. Candy and Ice cream are my downfalls too.

Grace. said...

I feel ya, I can't seem to stop the binge once and a while. I did it tonight even after I had such a good day. I had four peices of toast and some goulash tonight and I feel really guilty about it. ugh emotions.

Ex Yo-Yo Dieter Debbie said...

You are not worthless. You are HUMAN. Your resources for coping got depleted - you'll be back to yourself soon.

Hope you feel better soon

Deb Willbefree said...

Well. It happens.

I find my most perilous time for a binge is right after I write a post marveling over the fact that I'm having success. In fact, a binge is guaranteed if I ever write a post saying that I've figured out the secret to my weight loss. Don't know why.

But as far as what you did tonight being a true, cut loose, back to the past, all out binge? Not so much. A quart of ice cream and 8 peanut butter eggs? Pshaw. That's not a binge--that's over-indulgence.

Now I could tell you what a binge is, but I bet if you think back, you'll remember.

I'm not discounting how tonight feels or saying that what you ate wasn't over the top--it was, but you've done worse.

The day you described which followed the 3 weeks you've described, yeah, perfect storm.

Illness, money woes, kids, tired, frustrated...ack. It all equals food to those of us who know how to use food for stress releif and comfort.

Not that it brings lasting comfort, which this psost shows. But we do a knee jerk reaction to--well to all that you recounted in this post.

The good news? This was just a blip on your radar screen and not a pattern like before. Youi broke that whole bingey lifestyle. You got this thing.

Deb

Ali said...

Lyn, I can really sympathise, I've been stuck with 20lbs to lose for a whole year. It's easy to get discouraged, but once you've turned a corner and got your head in the right space of mind, I'm sure the losses will continue.

Floriana said...

It's fascinating how our mind tricks us. You thought you didn't have cast to buy proper dinner at one point, but a while later it was no problem to go out and buy sugary junk.

But anyway, binges happen. As Debbie said, you are just human. I am sure you'll be all right.

Hope you heal and feel better soon!

MargieAnne said...

Hi Lyn.

Check again with your Dr. The hives are not worth it.

No antibiotic, no matter how sick you are or how much you need antibiotics can be doing you good if you have hives. This is serious.

I'm sure they can give you an antibiotic that is less toxic.

I'm not surprised you de-railed for a while. The misery of being sick and having hives is horrible.

Check again and make sure they understand how sick you are with hives. Don't down play it.

All the best.

R. Reed said...

I think when we are sick and then add on to that tired we are weak. We are human after all, we do slip up. But that doesn't devalue what you have accomplished this far or what you have yet to accomplish. They always say the last few are the hardest right?

You'll be fine. It's a whole new beautiful day!

Anonymous said...

You are so amazingly BRAVE to post that. So many times I feel like "Why am I struggling so hard? What's WRONG with ME? How can I be so disciplined and then FAIL?" We all do it but nobody's honest about it -- except for you. So, you slipped up. So what? It's OVER and DONE with. There's nothing you can do about it now so stop beating yourself up about it. Move on but remember how terrible it made you feel so you won't do it again. Focuss on all that you HAVE done not one fail in a couple of years.

You really are awesome!

Amy

Beth said...

I know how terrible it feels to succumb to a binge. But your experience gives me hope. Because it makes me see that even though I have a binge disorder, I am still able to lose a large amount of weight. Because YOU DID.

LN said...

No advice, just a big cyber hug! Sometimes life piles up on each of us.

Anonymous said...

Hi,
I'm a long-time reader, and big fan of, your blog. I've never commented before but I had to chime in here on the sinus issue. I've been there, and that annoying smell may be coming from your infection. The only thing I could smell when I had a chronic sinus infection was a mold like scent I finally realized was coming from my own head! I also want to caution you that these things can be very serious. I had a 22 year old nephew who ultimately died as a result of an incorrectly treated sinus infection. It ended up getting into his brain where the surgery to remove it left scar tissue that caused massive seisures, one of which took his life. Yes, this is extremely rare, but please be careful.
Thank you for sharing your heart and soul here in this blog. You have no idea how much I relate to you and how often reading your words have brought me comfort, hope, or at least the realization that I'm not alone.
{{HUGS}}

SUE M. said...

Been there, done that many times. Move on....tomorrow is another day. Don't beat yourself up too much.

Pretty Pauline said...

I'm so sorry, because I know the feelings of failure this produces. However, I think that sick feeling will stay with you a good, long time, and keep you from being a repeater for a good while! And that binge day is over, you have a fresh, clean start today. :) That's what I'm learning about this long, weight loss journey: it's okay that it might take a while, and it's okay that I will flub up. It does not signal the journey is over! So continue on, and I a sending up a prayer of blessing on your behalf this very minute!

Amy said...

Wow - that was one sucky day!!! Not your actions but everything happening to you!! It's hard to stay strong and make good decisions when the world is beating your down - especially when you're physically tired and sick.

crazyjojo said...

I've had those days too. I think "Just get through today, and then you will feel better tomorrow". You will feel better tomorrow. Next week this will be even farther in the past and you will be back on track.

April said...

Lyn- I'm sorry! The only I think I can say is that so many of who struggle with weight loss have been exactly there. Food is our drug of choice. Keeping it real, keeps us focused. You will regain your focus and get back on track. Sending you good vibes.

Britt ♥ said...

I don't blame you for being bummed. I feel the same way...I've lost 10 pounds here or there, but the main weight I need to lose (30 pounds) is really difficult to get off. I have definitely binged in the way you have. Even though the result is awful, it's at least nice to know that I'm not alone. It does happen once in a while, but know that you're supported and don't feel ashamed.

Janel said...

Sweetie, I have never posted on your blog but felt compelled to do so today. I am 5'6" and started at 280lbs. In the past year I have lost 95lbs. I don't say that for applause. I say it because, during that year I had my share of slip-ups and binges, for me, it's krispy kreme donuts:( But what I have realized recently is that when God breathes breath into my body each day, He chooses me. I am not a mistake, He chose to allow me to see another day. So, in turn, I will honor His choice by making choices each day that are pleasing to him, including what I put in my body. He wants us to live happy and healthy lives so that we can truly enjoy our many blessings. And the beauty of it all is, even when we make a bad choice, we can learn from it and make the right choice the next time. For example, if I binge now, I binge on homemade sugar free ice cream which is no where near as bad as regular store bought ice cream. You can do this sweetie!!!! I have about 30lbs left to go as well, let's do this together!!!!!!!!!

Sam said...

You are not worthless, you're human. Big hugs!

Sam

Joy said...

Hey Lyn, I'm not hear to give advice, just support.

I often wonder about the various things you listed here. How can I binge when I don't even enjoy it? How can I do it when the pros of it are so few (mainly only that it feels good in the moment) and the cons of it make a list a mile long?
Is it a form of self-harming? Is it a self-esteem issue? All I know is that it is frustrating and I def. don't have the issues myself.

Thanks for the honesty; it is much appreciated. I know that's probably not much comfort right now but just know that we're all here for you. Keep your head up and big (((HUGS)))

Joy said...

Sorry, I had to delete my first comment as it was a duplicate.

Also, wanted to correct one of my sentences. I meant to say I don't have the "answers" myself, but I had accidentally put "issues".

Hanlie said...

Yes, it sucks! But YOU don't suck. You will get better and you will get on top of things again. You have no idea how much I admire you for dealing with all of this and having NO support. That is epic and heroic! So don't beat yourself up when it all just gets a little bit much... When you feel stronger again, your resolve will also be stronger.

Theresa said...

I'm sorry you have so many stressors in your life right now. I commend you for writing out your feelings. Once you have settled down a bit you will be able to read over these old posts and clearly see the warning signs. It's all information to help you learn about yourself. Hopefully today will seem brighter than yesterday. You are just another normal human being, struggles and all.....don't forget that. :)

BrendaKaye said...

You know you are so worthy, loved, and admired by me and many other readers of your writing. Not only because of what you have accomplished, but because of you and your heart. You are an encourager and friend to so many through your writing and sharing. Life is so hard sometimes. I am thinking about you and praying for you, and I wish there was something else I could do. You have so much on your plate it is probably hard to rest, but it may be rest that you need..and lots of it! Sending hugs and prayers.

Anonymous said...

Lyn, You know that those that love God and His Son are not worthless..2Co 2:15 For we are like a sweet-smelling incense offered by Christ to God.
I think maybe it is time to shake things up a bit. I think it is time for you to start giving seminars..do your research and you have much experience in the area of weight-loss and you have a big following and you have great recipies. I think some of your followers would be thrilled to come speak for (say) maybe the ladies at their church (for a small fee) to cover your expenses. Maybe some of your followers are close to where you live. Who knows where this could go. Your focus would take a little turn maybe......and the weight loss might kick in again because the pressure to lose might let up some..How about it folks..anyone close by Lyn? Would any of you go to hear Lyn speak. I would!

Anonymous said...

correction..I meant to say to have you come and speak..

Susan b.

Lori said...

I'm so sorry that happened. Maybe those out of control feelings were 'feeding' that desire to binge.

BUT it is HUGE that you blogged about it. That says to me that you really are committed to the weight loss and this binge is just a blip on the radar.

I know it is hard to believe now, but you'll get there. You will!!!
Lori

Lori said...

I'm so sorry that happened. Maybe those out of control feelings were 'feeding' that desire to binge.

BUT it is HUGE that you blogged about it. That says to me that you really are committed to the weight loss and this binge is just a blip on the radar.

I know it is hard to believe now, but you'll get there. You will!!!
Lori

Diana said...

Like some other people posted, I'm going through the same thing. I didn't drive anywhere last night to get food, but instead, I ate about ten pieces of fruit then made whole pasta last night and ate four servings with olive oil and loads of the shaved Parmesan cheese. Only about a million calories.

I don't know what's wrong with me either. I know how to lose weight, but I can't seem to get it together these days. I keep telling myself it's only 30 pounds, not like the original hundred I had to lose. I don't know why this is so hard for both of us.

Beth Ann said...

Thank you for posting about it. It has to be hard, but your strength in doing so will hopefully help you and it helps us too. We all have these moments, but we aren't all strong enough to call ourselves out. Thank you so much for your honesty and openess.

Dr. D said...

Lyn, there's a biological basis for binging when one's stress level passes a threshold that they can comfortably handle. It involves the HPA axis and release of the stress hormone cortisol. The actual pathway is somewhat complicated, but the effect is an overwhelming compulsive urge to eat. Of course, how and when this happens has a lot to do with one's background, and "food issues" play a huge role, but it is by no means a mystery why this happens to you when you feel a great degree of stress.

If it gives any perspective, I have a PhD in biological psychology suffer from binge disorder too.

Don't beat yourself down.

Anonymous said...

Hugs Lyn.
I can't say it any better than BrendaKaye did.
You inspire and support me across thousands of miles...even though we've never met and likely never will..
I wish you all the best for today.

Helen

Tina said...

All I can say is I know exactly how you feel and I'm sorry you're struggling. Feel better!

Anonymous said...

(((Lyn)))

No advice, as you asked.

But. The following scenario explains what has gone on with me in the past when that kind of behavior used to happen...perhaps there's no application at all to your own situation. Forgive me, please, if I presume too much by sharing my own story.

Binges (and day to day overeating on a smaller scale) were one way for me to self medicate. But self medicate against what? Sure, there will always be some form of vulnerability or stress in every life, either often or only from time to time.

But not always was there a binge response to every vulnerability/stress. When a binge response was resisted, I told myself I was in control. I told myself that my current ability to resist overeating was proof that I CAN control that impulse. That was the voice of my own eating disordered mind, telling me that I simply need will power and control to conquer my urges. That voice is a dysfunctional mental construct that does not have my best interests at heart but only wants to protect me from pain. It wants to protect me from risk...for instance, the risk of feeling rejected if I reach out to find others on whom I can depend during times of need.

We are living in an age and culture in which true intimacy is almost nonexistent. Surface appearances dominate, and smiles hide chronic loneliness and pain and isolation.

We talk with virtual strangers on the internet, people who have no actual investment in our lives, and we call that "friendship" but it is a sorry inadequate substitute for having REAL, close, intimate relationships with people, the kind of true relationships in which you can call each other night or day and say, "I'm hurting. I'm confused. I feel overwhelmed. I want to binge. Will you listen to me for a while? Will you help me through this rough patch so I don't have to turn to overeating tonight?"

And the friend understands.

She has been their herself, maybe not with overeating but with some other issue or behavior or substance, and she has turned to you or to others...she too has reached out for help from an actual loving friend who knows her and cares...So. Yes. She will be your witness as you feel your feelings, as you struggle to get through these self-harmful impulses and come out the other side, intact, with renewed inner strength.

This.

This is how healthy people get through life. We humble ourselves, we struggle year in and year out to establish close friendships that are based on truth, love, compassion and empathy (rather than codependency), and we help and support each other (rather than enable each other).

It is worth every single moment of the struggle. The struggle for intimacy is so much more complete and fulfilling than the struggle against compulsive behavior.

It's hard work to transform one's life beyond recognizing one's compulsive symptoms (binge eating is only a symptom) and to arrive at the real dysfunctional mindsets and behaviors that create the symptoms.

But it can be done. It's not about the food, not about the weight. It's about living a life of honesty and compassion, and daring to be real and vulnerable with others.

Take care Lyn. I hope my words are helpful. If not, feel free to chalk them up to the ravings of yet another Anon in cyberspace.

Robin

Anonymous said...

Every time I get a sinus infection, I "smell" something mysterious in my house. It smells like sewer, so I go around smelling drains, the sump pump, the garbage, even the air outside. It's everywhere and nowhere. I'm pretty sure I'm smelling my sinuses, as if I'm smelling the infection in my head. Sounds weird, but it happens to me every time.

Feel better soon!

Anonymous said...

Lyn -

Each day is a new clean slate. It's hard not t obeat yourself up over yesterday, but tomorrow is anotehr day. The universe is testing your commitment to yourself. You are worth it ! You are worthy! you deserve it ! Yoo will have it !

Lyn said...

I *almost* have no words for all the kindness displayed here today. Only, I do have words. Thank you so much. THIS is the kind of support that makes a difference in my life, that makes me want to try harder, that helps me feel I can succeed. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

I am going to come back and read this page of comments again when I am struggling. You all make some great points too... I think you are right about the sinus "smell" which I never thought of, and that makes me feel better that maybe I am not a horrible housekeeper after all.

Lyn said...

Dr D~

Wow, that is interesting. I am going to try and find some more information on that. Thank you!

Lyn said...

Anonymous (Robin)~

I have struggled for a long time with that very thing. You're right. I have 'friends' I hang out with because our kids play together, and they care, but I have no one with a deep relationship like that, who I can call and talk to about this kind of stuff. In fact, no one in my real life knows I have a binge problem, or even that I have a blog. I know I need to find a way to form a support system around me IRL and friends I can talk to in person, but I haven't been too successful at that yet. Right now, my blog is my lifeline, this IS my support system, and I don't know what I'd do without it! My experiences with religion and churches have left me avoiding them, and sadly it seems like there aren't that many other ways to get support (or maybe there are?) I am hoping to find and build this type of friendships in my dog sports club.

Dillypoo said...

Bigs hugs to you!

Kari said...

I just want to thank you for being honest and keeping it real. Sweeping the bad under the rug helps no one, especially not yourself. I can't wait to see how you overcome this just like you've overcome so many other obstacles.

Anonymous said...

As a long-time sufferer of sinus infections, I can tell you that the bad smell isn't in your house -- it's from your sinus infection. The antibiotics aren't working if you smell that gross smell -- make your doctor give you a powerful broad spectrum.

Kirsten said...

I wish I weren't half-way around the world from you and could come and give you a helping hand. It really sounds like you are past your threshold for stress, and it's got to explode somewhere... I guess we think "better on ourselves than"... at our children, or spouse, or even going postal on a complete stranger somewhere. So tough. But you are just as valuable and loveable as everyone else you are trying to care for and protect. I'm praying you are soon on the mend from that nasty sinus infection, and that you get some Real Life help sometime soon. Can your kids chip in and help ease some of the pressure? That's not advice, just a question, because lately I've realized that I try to take on so much myself without putting anything on anyone else in my family, and it gets to be too much! Then we all suffer when I don't ask for the help I need that they could give if only they were just aware. Peace and love to you Lyn,
Kirsten

Tabitha said...

Tiredness is the worst binge trigger. I lost 45 lbs years ago but I still have to watch when I'm tired and worn out. I'm at my most food vulnerable then.

spunkysuzi said...

"hugs"

Renee said...

As always, we appreciate your honesty. As everyone says, if dieting was easy, everyone would be thin.

There are many factors involved, and we know that you have it in you to do this! We're proud of you for battling every day and letting us help you.

On to a new day!

Renee
PR Coordinator
Medifast, Inc.

journeytobehealthy said...

What is it about this darn Resse eggs??!! I binged on those recently too. I've put it behind me.

Do not let binge eating disorder define you. You are a wonderful, special, motivated person who is a fabulous inspiration to many. You're not perfect. No one is.

Thanks for your willingness to honestly share your struggles.

Cris said...

Lyn: I just want to tell you I read a passage in a book called The Best Life Diet that insinuates that people who lose large amounts of weight and then end up gaining it all back are people who refuse to do the 'head' work along with the 'leg' (dieting, exercise) work(paraphrasing here).

So this little binge and the resulting feelings tell me its not all rote 'dieting' for you. You ARE doing the head work.

You can do this girl! Stay Strong!

theresa again. ;) said...

I really like that Renee from MF left a note of support, encouragement and commitment to get you to goal. That really is a class act.
two thumbs up!
Lyn,
I have NOT followed MF perfectly either, but I will get to goal and learn to maintain..... just like you will.
:)

Anonymous said...

oh dahling,
you'll rally. we all love you and support you!

re: THE SMELL. Recent course of antibiotics found me smelling poo. Random hits of poo, throughout my day. I blamed my toddler (who was indignant and offended.) I sniffed all over the place. It was, I'm pretty sure, the antibiotics. My husband did a round last year and found that everything he ate tasted oddly metallic. Guess it messes up your senses!

xoxoxoxoxxoxo

Anonymous said...

I have been there. Don't give up! Acknowledge it and move on. Nobody is perfect, but its the many decisions that you make over time that determine your future weight and health, not just one. YOU CAN DO IT! :)

BELLALOVES2LOSE said...

Girl, you're the best, please don't stop believing in yourself. We've all had hard weeks but this sounds f'ing unbearable. YOU are an INCREDIBLE person. Screw ice cream and colds, you've got this. This sounds like a time when you just need to keep your head down, put your shoulder against the wall, and push until something gives, even if everything is messed up around you. You can do it, you have before!
xoxo
Bella