I binged today. It's true.
It makes no sense. I don't get it. I seem to be going alone fine and suddenly get this overwhelming urge to eat junk. Just the other day I noted how I don't LIKE the binge anymore. I don't LIKE how it makes me feel, I get nothing out of it anymore. So why do it? I dunno, addiction? Self sabotage? Underlying emotional garbage? Or just lack of willpower?
How can someone lose 100 pounds, know how to lose weight, and yet stay snagged on that last 30 pounds they need to lose to be healthy? It's not like I have never succeeded. It's not like I just can't figure out how to lose weight. I get it. I'm not a "weight loss expert" but I feel like I am an expert on myself... yet, I don't know why I binged today. I mean, a true binge. I haven't done that in a long, long, long time. So, I want to blog it and not sweep it under the rug.
How I was feeling beforehand: Tired, run down, discouraged. Three weeks being sick, I felt better yesterday and then worse again this morning. Hives, headache, sinus pressure. Doctor called and told me to get back on those antibiotics for another week unless the hives get WORSE. Well they aren't worse, but not better either. So how I felt today? Exhausted, frustrated, in pain, and itchy. Discouraged.
Also my sense of smell seems to have left the building. At least about 80% of it. I can hardly smell anything. But today I started to smell something *yucky* but had no idea what it was. I wandered my house trying to find the source but my sense of smell is not 'there' enough to pinpoint the source of the bad smell. I can't even figure out WHAT it smells like. And it was bugging me all day. What smells bad in my house?? Do I need to have the carpets cleaned? Is it a certain batch of dirty laundry? Do I need to wash one of the dogs? Is there trash somewhere?? What?? And my kids were gone and/or I was gone all day so I still haven't figured it out.
I digress. So yes I was feeling really discouraged and tired. I had a couple of hard boiled eggs for breakfast. I had nearly NO appetite. I had a Medifast shake for a snack. I started looking at the bills. I feel like I have been in some kind of altered state for 3 weeks because I was so sick, and I just woke up. Reality: overdrawn bank account, overdue bills, expired dog license, and expired car tags! What a mess. So I set about driving around town trying to pay things and fix things and deposit things. And it was after lunchtime, and I figured I should eat something, but I wanted nothing. But I was sort of hungry, yet nothing sounded good. And I was just frustrated. You know?
I went to Dairy Queen and got a burger, onion rings and a Pepsi. I came home and ate most of that (dumped some Pepsi down the sink and threw away half of the bun). I thought about going out to dinner later but, um, no cash. And my stomach was super full. And I was annoyed with myself for eating greasy junk when my body needs nourishment.
And then my dog threw up. And my hives were itching. And my teenager wanted to argue about something ridiculous. And the car wouldn't start. And my daughter had a tantrum.
And then I went out, bought a quart of ice cream and 8 Reece's Peanut Butter Eggs, and ATE THEM ALL.
Yes. I put my little one to bed, turned on the Biggest Loser, and ate EIGHT Reece's Eggs and an entire QUART of ice cream.
I am so beyond sick, I cannot even tell you.
I don't really want advice. I just want to keep it real. Putting it out there because it is part of my journey. And I feel so absolutely worthless today, kind of hopeless about a lot of things, but not about weight loss. I might suck but I am not going to suck AND regain 100 pounds. But tonight, I am just so bummed out.
Friday Update and Reality Check
1 day ago