Friday, March 11, 2011

Random Thoughts

I am doing MUCH better. I still have almost a week of antibiotics left, so maybe I am finally gonna kick this thing! A month being sick is long enough, don't you think? Time to get back to living.

This morning I had a nice cheese blintz for breakfast (made with Medifast pancake mix, cottage cheese/Splenda/vanilla/cinnamon filling, and a bit of sugar free syrup) with a nice cup of coffee. Very satisfying. The scale said 188 this morning so at least it's heading in the right direction again. It's funny, for the longest time my pants felt NO different even with a 10 pound fluctuation up the scale. But just 2 weeks ago, while sick, all my jeans got super tight. What a horrible feeling! And I refused to dig out the tub of 14's from the garage that I haven't sold on Craigslist yet, so I was stuck wearing the one pair of jeans that still fit comfortably... over and over and over. Had to keep throwing them in the wash, and putting on a tighter pair with the button undone and a baggy long shirt to cover that fact. Ugh! Never again. I am back in my regular pants (12's) and soon, I hope, will be back into those 10's I fit into at 175. They never were *comfortable* but they fit enough for me to take pictures in them! They're the smallest jeans I have. And I have no summer capri pants small enough for me. I will have to buy some summer clothes as the weather warms up and I'd like them to be in size 10 or less, so let's see what I can do!

My exercise fell flat while I was sick, but I did walk most days a mile or two with the pup. All that physical therapy work I did to strengthen my knees and hips? Gone. I was really too sick to keep it up and now I am back to square one, which is frustrating, but at least I know what the exercises are. And I did buy the equipment I needed to keep doing them at home, so very soon I will get back into THAT regimen. Not quite yet... I am still recovering from the flu/sinus infection/ear infection/hives. I am exhausted in the mornings, very hard to crawl out of bed, and exhausted again in the late afternoon and evening. Hopefully as I nourish my body I will become well enough to do more than walk for exercise. I have the PT on my radar, along with other exercise options. I miss skating with my daughter.

I've almost forgotten what my body felt like at 175 pounds, it's been so long. I have an extra layer of fat around my middle right now and while it feels oddly comforting, protective, and familiar, I need to get it off and get used to a lower weight and smaller body again. It is disconcerting to be in a new body and new clothes every time I drop 10 or 15 pounds, but I feel ready to tackle it.

Something I have realized is that when I was 175 pounds I was doing the work of "feeling the emotions" and not stuffing them down with food. When I was upset or angry or sad or lonely, or had distressing thoughts (usually about myself and my own inadequacies) they were, in the past, *so* uncomfortable and difficult that I'd swallow them with a package of Oreos instead of feeling them. But as I lost weight I *forced* myself not to use food like that, to feel the feelings, even if it mean very painful emotions bubbling up and a lot of crying. I *fixed* a lot of things in my life by doing that, as once I felt the feelings I wanted to do something to change it, and I took action. But the past couple of months I have been avoiding my feelings again. Eating them. Especially while I was sick. I just didn't have the emotional reserves or strength to deal with those feelings while I was having so much *physical* pain and discomfort. So, actually, I haven't been feeling my feelings much lately. I am getting back to that. Now.

That's all for now! Have a great weekend.


Ex Yo-Yo Dieter Debbie said...

Glad to hear you're feeling better! You will get back to 175 very soon - you're a tough woman and you can do anything you want to.

I totally get the "being sick/not having the reserves to cope without using food" thing. You and I are a lot alike.

It's so difficult to feel sad/bad/mad sometimes - but as you know, stuffing it down doesn't make it go away.

I can feel your renewed determination in this post.

Feel it all and live life! Have a great weekend.

Lori said...

I think you've turned a corner and you'll drop that minor regain very quickly.

Dawn said...

You sound so much better - I can hear it in your words. its great news

BrendaKaye said...

Yay!! So glad you are feeling better and on the mend!! Don't fight the tired in the morning and evening; you still need a lot of rest so you do not have a set back!

Big White Granny Panties said...

I find your blog especially psychologically courageous. Just to let you know. You don't bullshit yourself and I don't feel bamboozled by you at all. Refreshingly, bracing and honest.

Thank you.

Glad you are feeing better, btw.

Ang said...

Oreos are my comfort food of choice. I can't keep them in the house or I can eat them gone in a matter of days.
I am glad that you are starting to feel better and I hope you get back to 100% quickly!

Diandra said...

Glad you're finally feeling better!

Hanlie said...

You'll be back to where you were before you got sick in no time at all.

Enjoy the weekend! I hope you have good weather.

Ria said...

Glad you're feeling better and the scale is moving in the right direction again!

I had the same thing happen last year during my big regain -- the first 15 pounds or so I could still comfortably wear my favorite black jeans -- then, seemingly suddenly, they were really tight. Here's to getting back into your 10s soon.

theresa said...

that mini recipe sounds delicious!!!

Vickie said...

I totally agree, being sick is one of our most challenging times. I think we (mostly) look at sick time as permission for massive, low quality carbs. I find myself fighting that feeling too. It is probably the habits of a life time. If we had always been given homemade veggie broth, that is what we would turn to in times of illess. Hard to build new habits. Good post.