... but all is not lost.
Sometimes I think I am kidding myself when I try to find the good in a bad situation, but then I think really, that is the nature I want. And I do believe it is possible to *be positive* and look for the good within the bad *without* glossing over the bad. I strive to be realistic and NOT kid myself. So here is my self reflection on yesterday's cheese fail.
I had an excellent, easy, on plan day yesterday. I ate what I planned to eat, I felt satisfied. The kids have been asking for pizza for dinner for some time (and while I personally love the cauliflower pizza, they don't). Finally yesterday was pizza night. I planned ahead for myself... I didn't have the energy/time to make the cauliflower pizza for me, so instead I measured out my Lean & Green portions carefully: lean turkey sausage, 2% reduced fat mozzarella, low carb pizza sauce, all layered on a plate and nuked until hot and melty, with a side of homemade low carb/on plan coleslaw (a little more than a cup). Nice, filling lunch for myself (as I would be busy at dinnertime, I decided to have my "pizza dinner" at lunch instead). Okay, so far so good.
While the kids had their dinner, I was busy with other things. I had a protein-rich Medifast meal around 7. All was well in Lynville. I even still had one Medifast meal left to enjoy last night. I'd gone to the store that evening and bought only *on plan* stuff for myself including lots of veggies and lean meat. No junk whatsoever (a victory). But somewhere in the evening, I lost focus. It went like this:
Went in the kitchen. Saw pizza boxes of leftovers in the fridge. Found myself taking out a piece of cold pepperoni pizza and eating the cheese and pepperoni off it. I wasn't hungry, in fact I didn't obsess about the pizza, I just sort of wandered in there and thought "hey that would be good and if I don't eat the crust I will not go over my carb limit." Which is true. But it was still not on plan and a mistake because that pizza topping was like a "gateway drug" last night. Last night I ingested an awful lot of cheese. And cheese is allowed on Medifast, but NOT full fat cheese and certainly not pepperoni. Over the course of the evening I picked the cheese and pepperonis off four slices of pizza and then, since I was having a cheese festival anyway, I sliced about 2 ounces of cheddar and put it in a bowl with 2 tablespoons of cream cheese and some dill pickle spears. Ate that, and went back for 2 more tablespoons of cream cheese which I mashed with vanilla and Splenda in a bowl.
After that I thought, this is ridiculous! Did I just eat over a thousand calories of CHEESE? Major fail... and I stopped.
I didn't eat it all in one sitting, and there was no frantic "binge" feeling about it. It was, pick toppings off pizza, wait 15 minutes, pick topping off another piece, do some laundry, do something else, have another piece of "toppings", get daughter ready for bed, slice some cheese, etc etc. for maybe 2 hours. I felt really weird when I was stuffing the uneaten crusts down in the trash to "hide the evidence." I didn't like that feeling at all. Reminded me of when I used to binge and then search out creative ways to hide all the boxes and wrappers.
In fact, at one point, I thought, "why am I doing this? What feelings am I trying to cover up?" but there was nothing concrete. Tiredness a bit, slight frustration... wishing there was someone else there, another adult, who could help my put my daughter to bed and take the dog out and clean the kitchen. Nothing huge. I think maybe I just wanted cheese, and was craving salty stuff.
Cheese really has always been an issue for me. When I was a little girl I ate a lot of cheese:
Mother couldn't cook but made "cheese in the oven" for my lunch (cheddar melted on bread).
Father loved variety of cheeses, always had them in our home and had me try different kinds.
Ordered an appetizer of good sharp cheddar and dill pickles with my Dad at a favorite restaurant every time we went there.
Loved the grilled cheese and tomato soup my school served for lunch.
Adored pizza: good New York pizza, Pizza Hut and school lunch pizza.
Often had a snack of cheddar and potato chips or just port wine cheese in a bowl after school.
Lots of lasagna, cheese bread, cheese-laden salads and cheesecakes.
As an adult it is one of my favorite foods. Maybe #1. And the problem is, I can eat a lot of cheese in one sitting, which is very fat and calorie dense. I have in the past eaten close to a pound of cheddar in one day.
If I had my way there would be no cheese except low fat in this house. But I do not have my way. I am not the one buying the cheese, and telling myself "it's not mine" has not worked very well so far since it seems to appear out of nowhere in bulk in the fridge (2 pound blocks at a time). It's a food I need to learn to live with... one of the few protein sources my daughter can/will eat (swallowing issues from being on a ventilator), so I really need to make it mentally off limits for now. I am sure I will enjoy cheese again at some point in moderation, but right now it is just triggering me and I've been using it as an excuse to eat off plan because it has almost no carbs.
Silver lining: I was able to control myself to the point of not eating any sweets or carbs. I didn't add crackers or bread or the other things I like to eat with cheese, and never took one bite of crust. I did not even once think: "well I am already off plan and ate xyz, I may as well have whatever I want and start over tomorrow." As soon as I was able to put on the brakes, I did. Thank goodness.
Scale this morning is the same as it was yesterday: 188. I am sure I'd have had quite a loss had I not eaten all that cheese, which makes me wonder if my body is just trying to hang onto this weight for whatever subconscious reason. Anyway, I am doing just fine today and will keep working at this til I get it right.
Friday Update and Reality Check
1 day ago