Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Wouldn't It Be Nice...?

Yesterday I thought I was having an easy day, but it turned a little food driven in the afternoon. I was tired all day, feel very pressed for time the past couple of weeks (without much of a break), and I am mid-cycle (hormone crash coming). I drank a lot of coffee with Splenda (but most cups had no cream or creamer... I am working on eliminating adding those to *good* coffee). And I started thinking about food a LOT in the afternoon.

As I was driving my daughter to her dance class, I was obsessing about food. I was annoyed that I hadn't made time to hard boil some eggs so I could make deviled eggs for my dinner when we got home at 5:30. I was trying to figure out what I could eat for dinner instead that would be on plan.

I started thinking things like,
"Oh, wouldn't it be nice to go get a fast food bacon double cheeseburger and just not eat the bun?" I did used to do that sometimes when I was on South Beach diet, and still lost weight as long as I stayed low in carbs. I started trying to justify it in my head, but quickly stopped myself with: "I don't eat fast food" and "That is not on my plan NOW."

I thought about restaurants we could go to. But I *just* went out to dinner last night, so financially that's really not in the cards, either. "Wouldn't it be nice," I thought, "to go out to dinner every night, or have a personal chef to make me whatever I wanted? Wouldn't it be nice to be rich and not have to worry about that?" and that turned into "Wouldn't it be nice to go to Outback and eat a whole Bloomin' Onion if I felt like it and not worry about gaining weight? Wouldn't it be nice to eat whatever I wanted whenever I felt like it?"

I went to the store and wandered the aisles (not the greatest idea, but I needed a few things). I noticed all the new types of ice cream and snacks on the shelves, and I started thinking: "Wouldn't it be nice to just pick whatever I want off the shelves, put it in my cart with no thought to nutrition or health, and go home and eat it in any quantities I want?"

Bingo! The binge mindset was talking! And I told myself, "Look, yeah, it would be 'nice' in a way. In fact you've DONE that many times in the past. Many people NEVER do that. Lots of people NEVER consider going to the store, buying 3 kinds of chips, 4 kinds of cookies, a couple bags of candy, Coke, cream puffs, Pizza Rolls and donuts. NEVER! It is really not normal nor responsible behavior. Would you tell your kids to eat that way? The only reason you know it is 'nice' is because you've done it and liked it. But do you like the consequences?" I had think think about my body, struggling along more than 100 pounds overweight. I had to remember being unable to sit in a lawn chair, fit in a booth, ride the rides with my children. I had to remember being unable to buckle a seat belt in a friend's car, watching my toddler run towards a busy road and being unable to catch up to her in time, and knocking glass shelving down with my hips in a party store. I had to remember always wearing the same 3XL stained t-shirt, the black stretch pants with the holes between the thighs, and not having a winter coat that would zip shut. I had to remember sitting up in bed at night choking on my own vomit from acid reflux, hobbling around my house hollering down the stairs to my kids to bring things up to me because I was nearly immobile, being unable to tuck them into bed at night because I couldn't go up and down the stairs, and laying on a metal gurney in the ER with heart palpitations while people swirled around me in a panic, thinking I was having a heart attack.

No. It wouldn't be nice.

I will take the life I have now, and love it.

23 comments:

Obiajulu said...

wow. I totally needed to read this. Thank you so much.

Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit said...

You're so right. It WOULD be nice, but it WOULDN'T be nice. I have no idea why a brain charged with our good health and self-preservation would send such mixed signals to us about what we WANT as opposed to what we NEED. Good for you for recognizing the self-destructive path and quickly cutting it off at the pass. You know where that road leads and just how hard it is to return from there.

Laura I. (G.G.) said...

Great post.

Ex Yo-Yo Dieter Debbie said...

This post has given me an idea: I'm going to make a list of why I don't want to go back to being obese - that last paragraph pretty much summed it up.

I'm going to type out that list, print it, and carry a laminated copy, ready to be whipped out whenever the urge to binge strikes me...

I think I might also make a list of "Wouldn't It Be Nice..." and write out all the great things about being thinner/healthier.

Thanks Lyn - you always give me something to think about!

Diandra said...

Wow you did great.

Why is it always teh afternoons that are difficult? For the last two days, I have come home and eaten crap. And I am halfway through with weight loss. Why should I do it? MY food is planned... breakfast, fruit and lunch for the office. In theory, I come home, grab some yogurt or vegetables or fruit (or maybe a piece of cheese) and wait for dinner time. Reality was: Grabbing crap and plunking myself down in a corner with a book.

Today, I threw the bag of spiced nuts away before it was empty. I don't want to live like this. That is what my mother used to do, and I know what it did to *her*. Going to get some exercise done and then prepare healthy dinner, with fish and vegetables. ^^

Kari said...

I just want to thank you for being an example of the fact that even when the binge mindset is fighting tooth and nail for control, you can still fight it off and realize that your long term goals are more important. You're always an inspiration. :)

Jules said...

Just goes to reiterate what has been at the very least anecdotally proven time and time again: fat, sugar and salt-laden food is addictive. It is seriously like a drug. Once you get those cravings, it's hard to shake.

Actual drug addicts at least know they will survive if they never get high ever again.

Food addicts still have to eat.

In some ways, I would venture to guess that food addicts have a harder time dealing with their addictions than drug users do. Then again, I've never been a drug addict - but I am a food addict.

Anyway - this was an excellent post, as usual. You reminded me of the things I need to remind myself about when a bad craving hits.

Allison said...

Thank you for that. It's just what I need to hear.

Kissingitgoodbye said...

Thanks, that was a wonderful reminder.

After some time you forget the mountain of hardship that go along with a lot of extra weight. it's not the same thing as having to lose "a few pounds". I certainly never want to go back there again.

Siobhan said...

Great post and congratulations to you for overcoming all those urges. It's gotten me to think that I need to think about what would be nice ...

Lauren said...

Awesome post! Loved reading it - very motivating! :)

Thanks,
Lauren
www.firstandfitmost.blogspot.com

Deb Willbefree said...

Oh, man. I just added this post to my favorites. 90% of this post--both the conversation and the axamples of obesity--is true about me.

Yep. I needed to read this one!

Deb

Heather Polivka said...

Great reminder that the voice in our head is rarely empowering us or our goals...and it never goes away, so part of the battle is training myself to thank it for sharing, then move on!

Anonymous said...

Wow, that was powerful. I remember one time thinking that heaven must be where you can eat whatever you want and weigh 800 pounds and no one cares. Um, yeah, no. That would not be heaven.

Anonymous said...

Fantastic post. Truly. The way you thought through your binge was fantastic and something I will steal for my own next battle.

Greenacres

K said...

What a fantastic post. I really did need to read this.

I've recently stumbled upon your blog as I was trying to make the mindset to "really lose weight this time". I'm following your habit-a-week challenge, although at my own pace. I've decided that if it hasn't become a habit, I'll redo the week, and not try a new habit. The point is to make it part of my lifestyle, right?

Thanks again!!

Theresa said...

great post! :)

Anonymous said...

lyn, as always your post are intriguing.
I once heard this little tidbit from a medical professional..groove patterns are formed in our brains by what we think about over a long period of time and therefore return to those thought patterns because of the way we groomed our way of thinking. The good thing is that you can form new thought patterns. When the old arises, kill it, tell it no and continue to replace it with a new healthy thought..until your new pattern of thinking dominates..the old will always be there but it does not have to rule if you act on it imediately instead of entertaining the thought..hope this helps and really would like to get some feedback from those that have found this to be the case for them..Shine today! Susan B

Beth said...

I agree, it would not be nice, and all those things apply to me too so it's a very poignant post. Thanks.

Lynna said...

Reminds me of a Cherokee folk tale: we have a good wolf and a bad wolf battling for supremacy inside our heads. The one that wins is the one we feed.

Stacie said...

God that is so true. I have been there with most of those things. I was at a point where I could hardly put my own socks on, and I did have to go buy a bigger winter coat! Good for you for remembering the past in that moment of temptation.

www.lovemywaythin.blogspot.com

Lisa said...

what I think would be nice is a magic pill that prevented me from obsorbing anything over 1200 cals per day while I ate whatever I wanted. :)

Whitney said...

This was a really powerful post and it's exactly why I follow your blog. You're so open and honest with your feelings, and that makes your victories so much more exciting for me as a reader. This was great. You're great. Thank you for what you do.