Tuesday, February 22, 2011

A Reminder of a Past Life

After seeing that horrific number on the hospital scale the other day, I just had to know what I really weigh. I am still bloated and icky, but I got up this morning and hopped on the scale and it said 188. Well, not ideal, but I can handle it.

I am still really sick this morning but I have to function. It's a school day and the house is a wreck and laundry needs to be done, etc. I had a piece of toast to soothe my nausea this morning... there is just NO WAY I can eat vegetables or even fruit or anything slightly heavy or with a gross texture (like meat... yes, I think meat has a gross texture in general). Someone asked about yogurt... I do have some nonfat Greek yogurt I may try later today, but I have been trying to avoid dairy because I was always told it produces more congestion.

I've gotten used to good health. I've gotten used to a much more active life, and being sick is a reminder of how I used to live when I was morbidly obese. Days would go by, even weeks, where most of what I did was sit. Sit on the couch, sit on a chair, sit in my car going through the drive-thrus because I didn't want to bother getting out and walking in, sitting in a chair in my yard if I ever ventured outside at all... just watching my kids play, just watching the world go by, just watching TV. Yeah, I spent a lot of my awake time *watching.* I was an observer in life, not so much a participant. Oh, I loved my kids. I did things with them... like eat, sit on the couch and help with homework, sit in a chair and read to them, sit on the bleachers for all their sports events. I *experienced* life, I had the same strong emotions and feelings that I have now. But my body was not much a part of it. My body was as sedentary as possible, because moving was painful and took so much effort that I was left breathing heavy or limping or "needing to recuperate" after something as minor as a trip up the stairs or going to one store for a few things. I feel like that now... not because of minor weight gain, but because of my illness. Obesity was an illness to me. I wasn't able to function properly, and I didn't even know how bad it was. I was just used to it.

And then life changed, I lost 100 pounds and suddenly I could move with such freedom. I was no longer restricted by weight. I can run up and down the stairs, not only several times a day, but several times *in a row* if I need to. I can walk for miles. I can mop and vacuum and play with my kids. I can get up and down off the floor without a problem, and running many errands at once is nothing. I no longer think twice about strapping skates onto my feet and skating with my daughter, or swinging with her at the playground. If I notice the sun coming out from behind the clouds, I just jump up on a whim and take the puppy for a long walk. I can move without hurting, for the most part, and being active is just part of life. It IS life, now. When I am not sick.

I sure do appreciate the second chance I've been given at health... at life. This past few days of feeling miserable and unable to *do* things has been very unpleasant for me. I can hardly fathom that I lived this way... in pain, in exhaustion, in immobility... for nearly ten years because I was morbidly obese. If only I knew how sick I was... how much it was affecting my quality of life... I'd have changed much sooner. Or tried to. It's hard. But I never want to go back. I am going to work very hard to make sure that never happens.

17 comments:

Ex Yo-Yo Dieter Debbie said...

Yep, being sick can be a big 'ol reminder of what you DON'T want...and provides motivation to be healthy.

Hope you feel better soon!

L A U R A said...

I hope you feel better! I've been sick for the past week as well and haven't been doing as much exercise as I'd normally do...It's a crappy feeling. Here's to better health :)

Karin said...

sounds like this "sick" is actually a blessing in disguise. a crappy, why did I have to go through this bs yuck disguise, but a blessing nonetheless. Sometimes moments of clarity and realizations come under the strangest of circumstances. Get well soon Lyn.

Big White Granny Panties said...

Thinking of you today. xoxo

Mom to the Fourth Power said...

Hang in there Lyn... you will get better and feel better in no time!! Prayin' for ya!

~Margene

HealthyLoserGal said...

That was then, this is now. You did then what you knew how to do - - now you know better and are doing better. Stay positive & strong and be proud of yourself for all you've accomplished & how far you've come! :)

Keen Sportswoman said...

You actually inspired me to go to the urgent care last night and get antibiotics. I usually just ignore these sinus infections and they turn into three weeks of bronchial torture.

Anyway, I sympathize. I, too, am just sitting around existing. I told my students today they'd need to teach themselves because it hurt to talk.

Nikki said...

Great post. As I was reading it I realized that I spend more of my day watching rather than jumping in and doing. I am def. going to start trying to catch myself and start moving more during everyday act. By the way: I love your blog!

LessLacie said...

Everyday...you type the words outloud that I am feeling. I hope you get to feeling like yourself again soon. I can't wait to not only get up a flight of stairs...but to run up them! Thanks again for the great post.

Hanlie said...

Yes, life must be a whole lot better less a hundred pounds!

Hoping that you will start feeling much better today.

Cinner said...

I think you have done awesome, this post inspired me as I am morbidly obese and when you describe the changes in how you feel makes me want to keep going. hope you feel better soon. take care.

Somer said...

Just wanted to let you know that you are an inspiration

Darcy Winters said...

Recovering froma sinus infection myself - so I know how you feel. I had an allergic reaction to the antibiotic - so now I'm on medication for that! Hang in there - you'll get through it!

Anonymous said...

Have you ever considered that maybe the 180s are your body's "happy weight"? Now that you are officially within the healthy BMI range, your body has will try to maintain weight around a certain set point. It's not always the number we are hoping for, but it is MUCH harder to lose weight once you reach that point, so the numbers aren't going to go down as quickly.

Lyn said...

Anonymous~

I have thought about that. In fact I think I would be perfectly fine with weighing 175-180 myself. But it is not *my knees* happy weight. In order to prevent more damage and postpone total knee replacements, I have to lose more weight. That's pretty much what it comes down to, for me.

Kathleen said...

Good Morning, Lyn...

First time posting...you really need to know how you have inspired a complete stranger with your posts. I am sure you have heard it a thousand times plus, but what's one more time :)

Although I have a wonderful support system at home, I always felt "alone". It seems I couldn't quite put into words how I was feeling and what was going on in that head of mine...until I came across your blog a few months ago. I have successfully peeled away 26 pounds with 60 more to go.

Just wanted you to know how truly thankful I am and how inspiring you are.

Regards,

Kathleen W

Amy said...

I've spent a few hours reading your posts today. Your struggles sound like many I have had battling obesity. I finally had my "I've had it moment" and have got back on the right track. Your being sick and recounting how you feel sounds like a description of my life right now. I'll continue checking out your site, as your weight loss by month can serve as an inspiration to me in my battle with obesity.