Thursday, February 3, 2011

I Almost Had A Moment

It is so annoying some days to deal with food you can't eat. It's inevitable unless you live in a bubble; there will be family gatherings, work events, outings with friends, etc in which you have to see and smell foods that are NOT conducive to weight loss. It sucks, it really does. There have been times that stuff like that doesn't bother me, but now isn't one of those times.

When my kids were all little, we ate pizza as often as possible. I've always loved pizza, and so did my kids. I'd make it myself, or we'd splurge on a take-n-bake, or believe it or not we would get a stack of free Pizza Hut pizzas from the food bank when we were quite poor, because apparently anything that does not get picked up from their store gets donated to the food bank and frozen. Pizza has always been a part of my life and my kids' growing up. It probably always will be, whether tweaked healthier or not.

It's been a few weeks that my kids have been asking to order pizza for dinner, and today I was so exhausted from running errands that I decided it would be a good night for that. I had the ingredients to make my cauliflower pizza for me, which is a real (healthy) treat. No problem.

I walked into the take-and-bake shop to order the pizzas. There was a line. I stood there smelling the fresh dough, the cheese, the onions and sausages. It smelled so, so good. I looked at the menu and remembered. I remembered all the different kinds of pizza I used to get there to indulge in. I noticed some very attractive signs up, with photographs of the specials: the stuffed pizza with pepperonis and melted cheese peeking out between layers of crust; the "salads" layered with ham and cheese and loads of bacon and dressing; the freshly baked chocolate chip cookies sitting on a plate. I saw the cheesy bread with dipping sauce and the cinnamon dessert bread with icing. I saw pictures of the "new" taco pizza and the "new" s'mores dessert pizza loaded with chocolate and marshmallows. I thought I would hyperventilate there for a minute. S'mores pizza?!? Holy crap. Why didn't I know about this last week when I was indulging myself and eating garbage? (Yes, I actually thought that). I saw the corner note, "for a limited time only" and I almost had a breakdown.

What if I waited too long and they stopped making s'mores pizzas and I NEVER GOT TO TRY IT? Oh my gosh, I almost had a fit thinking about it.

I had a moment, standing in line, where I imagined getting everything I wanted and going home and eating it all: 3 kinds of pizza, cheesy bread, "salad", Pepsi, cinnamon bread dessert, cookies, and s'mores pizza. Yes, I did, I thought about that, because that is not beyond what I have done in the past, pretending I was getting food for a party or something and then going home, eating it with the kids and then at 10pm eating most of the leftovers when the kids were in bed, and eating the rest for breakfast the next day. "Where's the pizza?" they'd ask after school the next day. Yeah. Where indeed.

I snapped back to reality, ordered what I came for (pizza) and left. We got home and I baked the kids' pizzas while I shredded and cooked cauliflower, measured low fat cheese and pizza sauce, and prepped mushrooms for the topping. The kids had their pizza, I had mine. But it was not without difficulty. When my daughter picked the cheese off one of her slices because it was "too cheesy" (WHAT??? Nothing can be too cheesy... that is like saying something is too chocolatey or too rich... something I never understood when people said it) I ate the cheese. Yes, I did. I ate the cheese she picked off her pizza. And that was the extent of my "off-ness" for today. Besides that, I was 100% on plan. But I am so, so aware right now how easy it would be to slip right back off and nose dive into a carb festival from that pizza place.

Yeah, I know some people think I should just never buy pizza again, for the kids or otherwise. But that's not how we're living. I do think pizza is fine once in awhile. Just not for *me* while I am in weight loss mode. And while I'd love to eliminate temptations completely, it's just not going to happen. Like everyone else, I have to deal with food that comes my way. Hopefully I will get back to that place where it is easy... almost effortless to resist that stuff. I miss that feeling, but I am hopeful it will come back over time as I stay on plan.

This morning, scale said: 181.


Anonymous said...

Sounds sooooo familiar... You described the inner fight so accurately it's almost funny. I admire your strength. I lose way to often my inner battle. Your blog has given me so much to think about. Thank you.
And congratulations, your rehab is really working!

Diandra said...

I love pizza. When I went to university, I would grab a large box of frozen pizzas *every* weekend and live on that alone. (And some crisps. And chocolate.) I am not saying we ate more healthily at home, but with food plans like that it is not a big surprise that I gained 40 pounds in 8 years, is it. ^^

Yesterday, the BF reminded me that we hadn't had pizza in AGES (which means, I guess, not since December), and I promised to grab some for one of next week's dinners. YEEEEHAW! Pizza!!!

(By the end of the month, I expect to have lost half of those 40lbs. And hopefully almost everything by summer.)

birchgirl said...

I don't believe in "never buying" something when you have kids. It is cool you have sworn off Mickey D's, but my kids still get it about once a month.

And I see your weight is down a bit, congratulations!

Hanlie said...

I can relate... The other day I had to do something close to where we used to live (right on the other side of the city) and I drove past the fast food place I used to frequent. The pull was incredible! When was I going to be near there again? But I did resist and I'm happy about it now.

Shabby Chic Mom- Susie said...

Your post made me smile when you were panicking in line, frightened you may never taste a smores pizza due to. "Limited time only" way to regroup. Congrats

Lisa said...

ooooohhhhh how I miss pizza. I finally had some last week after??? at least a year, maybe longer. It was so good and worth every damn calorie. Pizza, ice cream, bread. I do believe that is what my butt used to be made of lol.

Neva4getme said...

My hubby is a pizza addict (and doesn't gain a pound, OF COURSE) so it's always around. Luckily for me, it's around so much that I get sick of it! I'm a variety eater, him and the kids, they'll eat Pizza every day. Thanks for the thought provoking post! I LOL'd when you described the panic you felt over missing out on "Smores Pizza" :)

Karen@WaistingTime said...

My husband and teen have pizza very often. Sometimes frozen; sometimes carryout or delivery. I have not joined in for ages. That recipe looks interesting and I'll have to check it out. When I want pizza now, I make it on whole grain flat bread. I've seen a recipe for it on a portobello mushroom.

PlumpNotFat said...

GOOD FOR YOU! It is awesome that you didn't give in and eat the menu :)

I am just now trying to accept that if I die tomorrow w/o eating the newest, fattiest, most caloric item I see on the menu, it really won't matter. It's tough though. I live in a town that seems to open up a "good" restaurant every 15 minutes that people rave over, write up menus and tastes and tell you to "run, not walk" to try them out ASAP. Thankfully I don't have any money ;)

Desert Singer said...

Pizza is what I'm craving... doughy crust and garlic butter dipping sauce for it :-)

But YAY YOU for saying no. I'm thankful I don't have kids, so I don't have to put myself in your place (feeding them food I'm denying myself 'for now.') -- and hubs keeps his treats on the down-low, for which I'm so grateful!

You describe so well how I feel when walking through the fresh bakery at the grocery store... *drool* and it is so tempting when something is 'for a limited time only' -- puts us into panic!

So Happy that you Rose Above It!

Steelers6 said...

Good job on your daughter's cheese ONLY.

Didn't think the scale was too shabby either! So motivating when it reflects your efforts!


pinkvision said...

'smores pizza? Gosh, whatever next! Great to hear your scale is going back down for you. :)

LeFebvre Momma said...

I get it completely. I truly believe 'all things in moderation' but right now in weightloss mode there are some things that I just can't do - for me it is chips and dip, because I eat the whole can and bag all in once sitting. There will come a day when I will be able to sit down and have a reasonable portion - but thats not today.

Karin said...

YOU are inside MY head!

Anonymous said... make me wanna run down the pizza place myself! Pizza is my #1 weakness. I'm glad you were able to resist. We have such similar views on WL...You're just waaaaay further ahead in this game than I am.

Stay strong. You are sooo close!

Anonymous said...

I am a 3FC member and I followed your blog link...OMG, I was laughing hysterically at the near-breakdown you had after reading the sign for the "limited time only" s'mores pizza...that sounds just like me. :)

Nichole said...

I work at the pizza place you wrote about and guess what??? The S'mores pizza is not that good! It sounds great in theory, but I think disappoints in reality. I am a pizza lover and used to eat our pizza 4 or 5 times a week because we get such a great discount, but now that I am trying to eat healthier it is definately a challenge to only try a bite when something new comes out!

I know the obsessive feeling of wanting absolutely everthing that sounds delicious on the menu though; walking out of work every night without a pizza is a struggle! What helps me is just reminding myself that the pizza will always be there, and I can have it, but is it really worth it?