Monday, January 31, 2011

Rehab, day 1

If you read my last couple of posts on 'rehab' here and here, you know that today is the first day in an experiment I am doing for myself. I decided to really try and push myself outside my comfort zone with the eating, by saying absolutely NO to myself whenever I am trying to justify a little bit extra here, a little off-plan moment there, a comfort food here, a 'break' there. I don't need all that, and like I said before, I think I am using those things to bury some issues in the sand. I need to deal with stuff and quit trying to hide from it in a cookie bag.

So here I am, doing my thing. How's it going? Well, it's funny. I've gotten so used to being wishy washy and indulging my whims that I had a little battle first thing this morning!

I made my cup of coffee. I was deciding whether I wanted sugar free creamer, or half and half with Splenda in it. I wanted the latter, and then realized that might throw me over my limit on fats for the day later if I had something higher in fat for dinner. "Oh it won't matter," my brain said. "Dude!" my insight said. "It matters! Don't screw up five minutes into your day!" So I got out the sugar free creamer instead, sort of pouting a little bit, and as I was measuring it out I realized I had recently taken to putting in TWO tablespoons of creamer rather than the one that counts as a condiment. Sigh. Okay, one tablespoon! The coffee was fine, by the way. Just a slight tweak but it woke up my self-discipline (which has been rather dormant lately).

Breakfast was a MF (Medifast) hot cocoa with a little more plain coffee added. Usually I add some sugar free syrup to this too, but I saved myself the condiment and left it out.
Mid-morning snack was a MF dutch chocolate shake.
Lunch was MF chicken and wild rice soup, with chicken bouillon added (1 condiment). I sort of wanted to add some pepper and stuff, but I didn't.
By 2 I was HUNGRY again. I was sort of annoyed. Usually I just grab a little something extra, but hey, this is rehab. 100% plan adherence! So I stood in the kitchen and thought about what I *could* have. I decided to have 1/3 of my protein portion from dinner in the form of a low fat string cheese. I also made myself another cup of coffee, identical to the breakfast cup. At this point, I have used up all 3 of my condiments, which is the limit for the day.

Soon, I was off running errands and when I was driving to the vet I remembered that it was time for my mid-afternoon snack, and I hadn't eaten anything. Thankfully, I keep some MF crunch bars and puffs in my car, so I ate a peanut butter crunch bar on the way. When I got home I drank a big glass of water.

For dinner, I chopped up some cooked broccoli and raw green peppers (veggies totalling 1 1/2 cups) and sauteed it with 2/3 cup of Jimmy Dean turkey sausage crumbles (so good). Then I poured 2/3 cup of Egg Beaters over that and scrambled. It made a yummy, filling dinner.

But... an hour later I was feeling "hungry." Makes no sense, really. My stomach wasn't empty yet but I had grumblings and wanted to eat, so I made myself a cup of plain, Candy Cane Lane decaf green tea. By 8:30, I truly *was* hungry, so I drank some water and pushed myself to wait until 9 (not long from now) for my final meal, a MF brownie.

I made it. A good day. A long, hot, relaxing bath is in order which I am going to take at 10pm. And afterwards, I get to put on my puffy winter coat over my pink fleece pajamas, don my Crocs, and take the puppy out in the sub-freezing cold to pee, trying not to step in any puppy piles in the dark. Fun fun.

Only one insight today, but a good one. I was driving along ignoring the occasional thought of potato chips, when I realized that eating crap every once in awhile allows me to continue feeling like a fat chick on a diet. And *that* is the comfort zone, right there. For so many years that's who I've been. I am almost *comfortable* with the moaning in my head of "I am trying but I just caaaaaaaan't loooose weeeeeeeeeeeeight. It's soooo haaaaaaaaaard. I hate being faaaaaaaaaaaat." Yeah. That voice. It's been there for SO long, and I am SO used to struggling with food, eating, weighing, etc, that when I am not struggling it feels weird. Uncomfortable. Unfamiliar. Crazy huh? I still feel like a fat chick who can't lose weight, and that's what's easiest for me to do because it is familiar. So I've been creating that drama, that struggle *for myself* in order to feel like I am still myself.

I never truly saw that in myself before.

And now I am off to eat that brownie.

21 comments:

Diana said...

Lyn, very interesting concept you're talking about. I read your earlier post and thought about all evening.

I'm with you. I'm also the fat girl on a diet. I also have been doing the little cheat thing here and there. Just enough to not lose weight. Just enough to keep me being a fat chick.

I completely relate. Now I'm in rehab too. So far today, it's working. Not cheats at all...not one. Thanks!

Anonymous said...

Yours is the most basic, concrete explanation of ego-clinging I've heard! I hope you know how brave you are!

Marie

Desert Singer said...

Great Day!! YAY for you...!! it is hard to not give in to that little voice! Good For you!!

Just one day at a time!

Hanlie said...

Oh light bulb moment! Wow, that one hit me hard. Fat girl on a diet indeed.

Good job on your first day of Rehab, Lyn!

Dinnerland said...

very interesting insights... keep up the good work !!

Jan said...

I have only been reading your blog for a couple of weeks. Your writing is so insightful but today's really hit me with just one line....."Dude, it matters"! I need to tell myself that every minute until I get myself back under control. Thank you for sharing your days with us.

Jen said...

We're in this together, Lyn. I'm an Optifaster, and have also been slipping, sliding and relapsing in the last few months. Starting today I am in rehab, too. 100% plan adherence, no ifs ands or buts. We CAN do this!

Anonymous said...

Excellent and very interesting post.
I'm really going to think about how what you wrote applies to me.
The fact is, I'm normal weight with some kind of binge-disorder but inside I feel just as if I was seriously overweight, therefore I never feel good about myself and I'm ALWAYS struggling with food.
And since I'm always trying to lose about 5 kg (10 lbs) I can really relate to your struggles with weight.
You're doing an excellent job, both with losing weight and the blog!

Lila

cindy said...

I saw your post yesterday and was very encouraged by it. I too have been adding bits here and there (and in the beginning on MF, I would not allow one smidge of anything non program pass my lips) but I've gotten lax and I can't seem to budge past this where I've been for a month now.

Well done, I'm proud of you and as usual, you have great insight into what is going on. Yep, by not staying on target it gives me permission to constantly beat myself up...and there MUST be something I get out of that...cause I keep doing it. Well, I'm off to figure that one out. LOL. OK...rehab for me too! :)

-c

Steelers6 said...

Hurray, you did it today! Good job.

And so interesting about your psyche wanting to keep you as the familiar fat chick on diet. Weird, bc you HAVE done it, that isn't what you are...

Your descrip of post bath taking dog out is a good, realistic look at pet ownership, huh!
Chrissy

anna said...

dang...your realization hit me, too. that is my comfort zone because it's all I've ever known! glad I popped over here today.

(off to do some soul searching!) :)

For a time I gave up sugar and the first battle was my hot tea the very first morning. The tea was fine without it, but still.

Susan said...

Wow,this post hit me hard as well. My response to "fat chick on a diet" was "yes! Exactly!"

Having recently achieved goal, I think I've made maintenance harder than it has to be because that old mentality is my comfort zone as well. I mean, what do I have to think about if NOT thinking about losing weight?

Thanks for this, I'm going to be more mindful of the "voice", and work on turning myself into the "skinny chick who is training for a marathon."

You rock Lyn, your insights are so appreciated!

Stephanie Hill said...

Wonderful insight. Thanks for sharing. I really love your blog and admire you for putting yourself out there.

Anonymous said...

I just want to say thank you for:

1. Inspiration
2. Ideas
3. Honesty

And last but not least, reminding me that I am not alone with my struggles, thoughts, shortcomings, strength, and dreams.

I truly appreciate and enjoy your blog. I have been recently diagnosed with high BP and diabetes and am going through a much-needed health overhaul. You are helping me a lot. Thank you!

-A

Twix said...

That's powerful stuff, but I do get what you are saying. Thanks for putting it into words! :)

seattlerunnergirl said...

Wow, I read often but comment rarely. But way to "bury the lead" by putting your epiphany last! That's HUGE and something I really need to think about...

Risa said...

I'm curious to how you feel about the "new" pretzel's? I for one find them disgusting and I am complaining on a regular basis to Medifast...

Please tell me what you think!

Lyn said...

Risa~

I hate the new pretzels. Hate. I used to eat the old pretzels 3x a day, loved them. Did I mention I hate the new ones?

Okay, well, let me revise. I hate the new cinnamon ones. I dislike the new honey mustard ones but can eat them in a pinch.

I really ought to add a note about this to my pretzel review, with pictures, because they've changed so drastically.

Wendy Tittel said...

Wow. You are a true inspiration. Keep up the good work...I know firsthand how tough it is. I was re-reading a post about my own weight-loss journey, then a search led me to you! Be proud of yourself, and know that you are no longer a 'fat girl on a diet". You are beautiful you, living out the positive changes you've made, feeding your one-and-only body the way it deserves to be fed. I hope you enjoyed every crumb of your brownie!

If you want to read my dealio, here's a link to the post:

http://www.thisismybasic.com/2010/10/how-cheetah-killed-whale.html

Lynna said...

So... how does one change one's self-identity from " a fat chick on a diet"? to "healthy, sexy woman honoring her body." I think you have hit on a key insight... I had goosebumps reading this post. (FWIW: I think it might be helpful to go write that second part of the above sentence a few times and observe the resistance that bubbles up. Can you claim healthy, sexy? Do the inner voices rebel?

Rebounder Guy said...

I think what you are trying to do is great, and I think a key thing to make it less hard for yourself is to try to make things fun and enjoyable. I find that along with keeping a good diet, creating my own home gym was really really beneficial for me. And that doesn't mean having a huge gym set at home. I mean simple things like a rebounder, a couple of dumbells, a stabilising ball - these are the things I keep near by so that I can use them throughout the day to keep my body active and energized. I'm looking forward to reading more of your posts - thank you!