Sunday, January 16, 2011

Processing

First of all, a weigh-in: today's scale reading is 178 pounds. That's a 2 pound loss from last Sunday. Good enough for me!

I have been SO busy with the new puppy. I keep meaning to blog, but between housebreaking, bonding, and working on not nipping, I have like 5 minutes between tasks. And then my daughter wants my attention (and my older dog does too). The boys are pretty busy with college, high school, work, etc, but my little girl of course still needs lots of mommy time, and she comes before anything else I might want to do, including blogging or even vacuuming! I do think now that we are settling into a puppy routine, things will be calmer this week and I will make time to blog AND do my physical therapy exercises, which have also suffered. That's something I didn't think of as a side effect of getting a puppy. I figured she'd help me be MORE active, and she does, but I am also a million times more distracted and super tired by bedtime. Have to do my PT today for sure... I don't want to lose the ground I've gained with my knees and hips.

I almost had a little breakdown on Friday evening. Well maybe I did have a little breakdown, but I also think I had a break *through.* After being 100% on plan all week, I was doing great, until someone close to me mentioned they were going out to a buffet for dinner. Now I dunno about you, but I occasionally get something stuck in my head that might sort of trigger me if I don't get a grip on it. All day long I thought about a buffet for dinner. I thought about how tired I am and how nice it would be not to have to fix dinner. I thought about on-plan buffet places, but then I also started thinking about fried food, crispy food, off plan food. I wanted it. Bad.

I took it one meal... one hour at a time, eating my planned meals, sticking with it. At one point I felt like I was about to implode from the thoughts of eating french fries or onion rings, but then a shipment of Medifast bars appeared on my doorstep. I carried the box inside. I opened it. It sat in my living room and I stared at it. It sat there telling me to stay calm and stick with the plan. So I hung in there and did.

On the way home from my daughter's dance class I was obsessing a bit again. I thought, "I will just go get a steak and veggies or something, not a buffet. Hey maybe I will just have a FEW of my daughter's fries or something." On the way out of the parking lot I was having that inner battle, but I turned and drove away from the burger place (not fast food, but still a burger place) and headed towards home. I was still "deciding" in my head whether to stop and go to a restaurant or go home, whether to stay on plan or eat a few onion rings, so I altered my route to go past a *possible* dinner stop. And then, I saw it. A truck stopped in the road, a car with its headlights shining on a man, lying face-down in the road, his fast food drink and bag flung across the pavement, people kneeling in the dark by him. He wasn't moving. Everything in me wanted to stop and help, but I knew I wouldn't be of any help at all and maybe create a hazard stopping in the road where so many were already pulling over with cell phones. I drove on, tears in my eyes and a prayer in my heart for him. It felt so wrong to not stop... I felt horrid and guilty and sick. Of course my food thoughts had stopped abruptly when I saw him, and my stomach turned when for a split second I wondered if my grown son had gone there for a meal before work, but then I realized those were not his shoes I saw on the man lying so still in the dark. I prayed for the family of this person, and I drove straight home, feeling quite shallow for having been so completely absorbed in onion rings while this person had perhaps breathed their last breath.

I admit I am an emotional person. Sensitive. I am better than I used to be, but things tend to hit me hard. This was no exception. Once home, I felt so upset I couldn't even think about what to eat, but my stomach was still growling and I knew if I didn't eat I would crash. Honestly, I didn't know how to handle the swelling of emotions I had from seeing that scene.

I sat with it. I waited. I felt horrid. I wondered about him. I thought about our blogging friend Margie who was hit by a car and killed in October. I waited an hour to see if the feelings would pass or mellow, and they did, some. I decided to make a salad. But once I got in the kitchen, I had something entirely different.

Instead of my steak and salad, and my final Medifast meal later, I had:

3 ounces of cheese
2 baby dill pickles
half a serving of mini pepperonis
a protein bar
half of a 100-calorie bag of microwave popcorn, with 1 T melted butter on it
4 Chips Ahoy cookies (my son's, which he got for work lunches, ugh)

Then I stopped.

The calories were not horrendous, but the carbs were high. The volume was okay. I do not like that I *used* food to deal with the residual emotions I had from the evening, but I honestly just didn't know what to do with the feelings. I felt them, I waited, I thought. I told myself to knock it off. Usually I try to take action to deal with feelings... to resolve the issue... but in this case there was no one to call to find out what happened, no way to know if they were alright, no one else who saw it to discuss it with. This is the first time I've had a feeling I couldn't process at all.

When I have a conflict or misunderstanding with someone, I can call them or write them a letter.
When I have thoughts in my head, I can write or blog.
When I am tired I can sleep.
When I am anxious I can exercise.
When I am sad I can cry.

But this? I didn't feel like crying. I did not want to write. It was just really bothering me that I didn't know if he was okay and I thought he probably wasn't. And it bothered me that I drove on by, even though I know that was the only thing to do in that circumstance. I didn't really know what to "do" with the feelings, if anything. I dunno, what would you have done?

Anyway, I think this is progress as I didn't "stuff down" my feelings but took some time trying to let it be. I ate off plan but not drastically. I am back on plan today, and I actually feel good again and positive and very happy about life.

I also got a compliment yesterday that I look "great" which was nice, because although I am only 3 pounds higher than my lowest weight in over a decade, sometimes those 3 pounds feel like 20 or 30 pounds and I imagine myself to be huge and sloppy and horrible looking when in fact I actually look pretty darn good.

That's about all for now. Enjoy your long weekend!

19 comments:

Kathy said...

I probably would have done the same thing as far as driving by. With all the others there I would have felt in the way also. But it would have affected me too.
As far as eating through it...you knew when to stop and you were able to recognize what you were doing. Would you have done that a year ago? That is great progress!!!

Congrats on losing another 2 lbs. Keep up the good work!

Debbie said...

Lyn -

Maybe you could call the police, sherrif's office, or even the local hospital where they may have taken him to get a very general update...?

kathyj333 said...

You were right to drive by without stopping. And you were right in thinking that too many people would have created a hazard.

Sometimes God show us things to make us realize how important life really is. I don't know.

Take care.

Gin22464 said...

Lyn- It is difficult not to know that outcome. Maybe that is the biggest issue? I work as a 911 dispatcher & that is a daily thing with us. We always get the beginning of the call & most times do not know the outcome. It was difficult at first & we do sometimes want to know what the outcome is, but we have to move on. Just remember, you did what you could, which in this case was not to cause more problems. It is difficult, but please try to more on. You are a good person.

~ Darla ~ said...

Love it that you ended your post with the most adorable puppy picture ever. I am the same as you, Lyn. Totally emotional and I worry about others or things I see and hear. My hubby edits the newspaper for me when it comes to bad stories (for that, I am thankful). I hear you about things getting stuck in your head. Someone can mention something and I think, "Hey, that's what I want." Then I think, "Why? This is crazy." It's an ongoing reprogramming of the brain. It will come.

Lynna said...

One of the most important life lessons I've learned is that feelings can be honest but that doesn't mean they are necessarily based on truth.

You HONESTLY felt guilt, remorse, shame, etc. for not stopping, but the TRUTH was that you did the loving thing by NOT stopping and creating an obstacle. Further, you did something powerful... you prayed for him and you cared about his well being. The truth is that you did the best possible things for him that anybody could have done.

Yet, the internal lies you told yourself (I am a bad person for thinking about onion rings when somebody else is hurting, and I am wrong not to stop even though stopping would be wrong) were like an internal no-win warfare against yourself. Kinda hard to have peace when it's damned if you do and damned if you don't.

If I was feeling that way, I'd try to dissect my feelings and hold them up to the light of truth in order to find some internal peace that would hopefully forestall the necessity to emotionally eat for relief.

(You rock, know that?)

Leslie said...

I would have done what you did. There would have been nothing you could do, and the paramedics would have gotten there quickly. You instincts were dead on.

And that kind of situation would have been excrutiating to see and totally set you off your beam. Your were already tired and stressed - running on fumes - and then to witness that accident would have sent anyone into an emotional struggle.

None of us will ever be perfect at this. Your reaction eating was not excessive at all, and food IS a comfort. You didn't self destruct in any way. I hope you know that life will always toss up hard things - and an occasional emotional eating episode is human, not diseased. It's what we food addicts do next that is key - and you wrote about it here, allowing the light to shine on it. Now you can truly let go and move on.

Your puppy is adorable - she's making me want a pup!

Stacie said...

I think you did the right thing driving on by. I also think the fact that you were aware that you were emotional about what you saw, and wanted to eat to help with those emotions mean you have really come a long way in your weight loss journey. You are inspiring me to keep moving forward!
www.lovemywaythin.blogspot.com

darnfitness said...

This happe when I was 10-12 years old. This drunk, very fat gut was sleeping in the street and decided to wake up and ask ME something. I never knew what was he ask me. JUst bubble-talking.

Then he lost equilibrium, fall on hiis back, and the crack. CRACK! is craneum just cracked. I called 911 (actually it's 121 in my country) and they said "Don't worry, he's just drunk". They were supposewd to be the emergency guys.
"I know he was drunk, but he DID smasehd his head in the pvement and I heard a crack. And now he doesn't move"
Long story short, I went home and the ambulkance didn't came, but did he lived? DonT KNOw. His corpse wasnt there the next morning.

Diandra said...

Sometimes there is nothing we can do - and in those cases yes you may have to learn to leave the emotions and thoughts behind and go on with your life. I don't know about you, but sometimes I get caught up in drama that is not mine (the pending disappearance of the Sumatra rhinoceros which I thought about yesterday, for example), and this topic gets stuck in my head and I feel depressed because of it - and yet there is nothing I can do. (FYI, there are about 30 Sumatra rhinos left world-wide, not enough to keep the species alive without a miracle.) See? It's necessary to find mechanisms to acknowledge the information and the emotions that accompany them and then move on.

R. Reed said...

Oh my goodness!! Looks at htat cute baby :) Oh babies make me smile to my core! I understand how much time they can take...I rescued a mama and her 10 newborns from work (a really long story) but I had those ten little babies until they were 8-9 weeks old of the work!! Mama and all the babies found wonderful homes, one here of course.

Puppies bring a wonderful whimmsy to the days, once they are a little trained I know :)

crazyjojo said...

Hi Lynn. I am glad to read that you also have to frequently deal with triggers. I feel less alone now. I also have to deal with triggers and it is hard! Cute puppy!

Anonymous said...

Lyn,
The fact that this was such a strong episode leads me to think there is something deep that is bothering you....
(sorry if this sounds like I'm assessing you. Really I don't mean to, but I've read your blog for so long I just have to mention it)
......... is this puppy supposed to take your mind of some of the tough stuff in your life? (this is a compassionate question for you Lyn, not a judgement at all)
........ are you stuffing feelings down that you don't even realize? Is it at all possible for you to talk to a professional therapist so you know how to read the signs (eating out of control etc) and recognize the emotion/issue under it all?
I hope you accept this in the kind and loving way I'm trying to write it. You are SO worth the efforts of digging out of the traps we all seem to fall into. Eating is a big issue for me too. It's equally hard to find a qualified therapist to help with it.
big hugs and enjoy those puppy kisses!
Theresa

Lyn said...

Theresa~

I do appreciate your kind words and concern and how caring you are. Thank you for that! I did spend some time with a counselor... actually 3 different counselors... to help me understand what goes on in my head. It has been some time ago but I keep the lessons they taught me to try and help myself process new things.

The pup... no, she is not to take my mind off anything but food (and for that, she is awesome!) She is my 100-pounds-lost reward to myself, an activity partner to help me get my butt off the couch :)

I do have some difficult things in my life, but I think most people do. We all have our *stuff*... I am not beyond seeking help again if I feel the need, but so far, processing myself and on the blog is very helpful. My emotional moments don't bleed over and bring down the general happiness level in my life, so that's good.

beerab said...

Aw cute pup.

I had the same problem yesterday too. I think it's cuz while I did well on my bday dinner I still got a bit of the trigger in me- I had a hot dog with chili yesterday- put me up 1.5 lbs but today I did much better.

The triggers are the hardest to ignore and I'm doing my best to NOT think about getting chocolate from the store (and I want it REALLY bad) so I'm gonna go get a Medifast brownie to help.

Keep it up Lyn :)

Lisa said...

I felt bad just reading about it. My heart goes out to him. Congrats on the 2 lbs and not stopping out to eat. those are both huge victories!

Dinahsoar said...

You said:

When I have a conflict or misunderstanding with someone, I can call them or write them a letter.
When I have thoughts in my head, I can write or blog.
When I am tired I can sleep.
When I am anxious I can exercise.
When I am sad I can cry.

But this? I didn't feel like crying. I did not want to write. It was just really bothering me that I didn't know if he was okay and I thought he probably wasn't. And it bothered me that I drove on by, even though I know that was the only thing to do in that circumstance. I didn't really know what to "do" with the feelings, if anything. I dunno, what would you have done?


My answer: Pray and leave it in God's hands.

Why? Because there are things in life we cannot control...we have no power over them. Only when we realize this, and when we are able to *give up* those circumstances/situations to the Higher Power--God--that we will be able to find peace, be at peace, experience that peace that 'passes all understanding'.

Being sensitive is good--being over sensitive is not good. It adds to the problem, it solves nothing and helps no one.

When I was a child I cried when I saw the cows getting wet in the rain. I thought it was hurting them. Little did I know it might possibly feel good to a cow to get washed down by the rain. My wise mother only indulged my 'sensitivity' for a bit--then she told me to knock it off. I grew up thinking she was mean. But she was not mean. She was teaching me that my emotions were ruling my head and that it is not a good thing.

We are taught to follow our heart. It's a romantic notion. But all too often it leads to death.

There is a time for everything under the sun. There is a time for hardness. Hardness isn't necessarily 'not caring'. It's realizing there is nothing "I" can do, and it is pointless for me to spend time wallowing in an emotion that only serves me.

Also the stories we imagine surrounding circumstances are up to us. You might envision a good outcome for the man--that he'll be o.k. and think how wonderful it is that so many people came quickly to his aid--so much so that you were not needed.

Theresa said...

Thanks Lyn!
Whew! I feel better now. :)

The Motivational Girl said...

Your story was heart felt, I don't know what I would have done in that same position either.

I know what you mean when 3 pounds feels in like 10 or 20 and in my head I have an image of the old me. Why is that??

Great job on staying strong and not getting that burger.