Friday, January 7, 2011

Overwhelmed

I am so, so sad today about a lot of things. I feel like I have crashed emotionally as of last night and I got up this morning almost in tears. I dreamed that I was eating a bag of potato chips and then remembered that I was trying to lose weight and was trying to stuff the chips back into the bag, but it had a very small opening and the chips wouldn't go back in.

This overwhelmed, terribly sad feeling that is just right there on the surface is evidence to me of just how much I was stuffing down my stress and emotions with food over the past month or two. Oh I stayed on plan *some*, but I also had a lot of episodes of what I might call "mini" binges. I had a lot of times when I suddenly had "just a few cookies" or "maybe a little chocolate because I deserve a treat" or "a sub because it makes me feel better." Yeah, it did make me feel better, and the unresolved emotions got buried under the 11 pounds I regained. Now that it is coming back off, it's almost like the melting fat is exposing all these emotions that I didn't deal with when I was eating crap. Not only are those things bubbling up, but I also do have some legitimate new stressors that are causing me some distress, and I am dealing with those in a non-food way as well. And it is hard, and I don't exactly like it. But I am doing it, as unpleasant as it is, because if I do not, I will be back over 200 pounds in a flash.

I am feeling quite sensitive and fragile and I think I am going to hibernate for a couple of days. Maybe I will feel better and come back and post and stuff, but right now I think I just need to withdraw and spend some time figuring things out and, probably, crying. I'll update Sunday for sure with a weigh in.

Thank you for being here.

35 comments:

Leslie said...

Yeah - crying can wash out a lot of emotion, which might ultimately help you feel better. So sorry you're going through this, Lyn. You are so strong and courageous to not go the easy route. This will eventually lead to stronger healthy relationship with food. I send big hugs and gobs of admiration.

Andra said...

Stay off the internet, nothing but stressors on here most of the time.

Drink lots of hot tea, take a hot, hot bubbly bath that smells beautiful and just cry it out.

Feel better!

Mary Caroline said...

"When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you could not hang on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn". ~Harriet Beecher Stowe.

This is one of my favorite quotes that I thought that I would share with you. Often times people need time to themselves to regroup and figure things out. It is natural. But remember that you have a large team of people who are supporting you when you need it. Reading your blog gives me so much inspiration, and makes me believe that I can succeed, that anyone can succeed. I am praying for you and I hope everything turns out on the positive side for you, in fact I know they will! Keep your head up sweetie!

Mandy said...

So sorry your sad. I just want you to know how much I admire you and how much you help me with my own stuff. I seriously think about you sometimes during the day when I am about to give into the food to make myself feel better. I think, "Lyn struggled yesterday, and she didn't give in." It makes me stop and examine my own behavior. Thank you for helping me with that. I hope the happy is just around the corner for you! Hugs.

Rachel said...

Thank YOU for being here, growing (or shrinking?) before our very eyes.

seattlerunnergirl said...

Lyn, I read your blog always but rarely comment. I hope you take whatever time & space you need to take care of yourself. It IS hard dealing with all the stuff we avoided for years with the food. It's trite and easy for ME to say right now, that it's still better than being 100+ pounds overweight, but sometimes? It really doesn't feel that way. So take care of yourself and as always, we'll be here!

Amy Vorpahl said...

I had a trainer who told me that when we lose weight, the emotions we had at a certain weight come back to us when we reach that weight again--kind of like emotional mile-markers. He seemed to think it was normal! I'd say just be kind to yourself and see where you are tomorrow. Rest can definitely help, but so can going out and seeing people you love, maybe doing something you don't get to do all the time--a movie? <3 Amy

Jannie said...

I know just how you feel. The last few weeks I have been struggling so much and have just barely been able to hang onto a positive attitude. My program (Take Shape For Life) is really helping to keep me on track, but I can't wait for this to pass. I hope you start to feel better soon too. (((HUGS)))

spunkysuzi said...

Yes all of a sudden this journey seems to be so so hard!! I know this morning so that i wouldn't eat any more i went back to bed.
Definitely take all the time you need to take care of you. And don't be afraid to ask for help.

Tammy said...

Do you think you're still dealing with the S.A.D. that you went through last year? Do you think using the light box would help if that's what it is? I sure hope you feel better soon. Take care of YOU.

The Captain's Daughter said...

Sending you lots of warm hugs!

Anonymous said...

Sounds like hormones and January. Hang in there. I know when I am feeling like that my mood can change from hour to hour. Feel better, I so look forward to your updates.

Lanie Painie said...

It does really sound like you need a good cry. I've been feeling like that a lot lately too. Keep breathing . . . nice and slow . . In one nostril, out the other . . just like Deepak Chopra . . .

Sending love your way. I hope you feel better soon!

Lissa said...

*HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS*

And I give good hugs, and now I'd be able to fit my arms all the way around you, and that's wonderful!!!

Shan said...

:-( Your post breaks my heart and feels so familiar. You're definitely not alone - even if your experiences are unique, the resulting emotions are not. We're all here for you!

pinkvision said...

Hope you feel better soon Lyn.

Melissa said...

I just finally finished catching up on your blog. I found it in October and decided to go back and read it from the beginning. You are a true inspiration and I look forward to reading your blog daily, now that I am up to date. I am sorry you are feeling low and just remember we are all thinking about you. Warm wishes this weekend.

Lily Fluffbottom said...

Take care of yourself. You are worth it.

Ice Queen said...

I am sorry that you are having such a rough go of it, right now.

Sometimes we just have to take time to feel, to asses those feelings and work through them. So feel. Cry your eyeballs out, get mad and throw stuff (preferably things that don't break ;))holler, scream, pace back and forth and talk it out to yourself. As loud as you need to.

Having a right royal shitfit is very therapeutic.

Richelle said...

Hang in there girl. You do so much for others AND yourself. You'll make it through this. YOu already know you are strong just by what you have ALREADY accomplished. Changing life long thought patterns and habits can take A LOT of time but you CAN do it,because you ARE :) Sending a little prayer out for you just for that extra "Umpfh".

Anonymous said...

Something I've come across this year has made me think a bit differently. New Year's resolutions--to lose 30 lbs or whatever--are usually more successful if, rather than thinking about a 30 lb weight loss are thought of in terms of behavior and actions. Take 4 weeks at a time. Pick a calorie goal and plan your daily meals in the AM and log your food everyday. Take those vitamins, do the daily workout. Take care of yourself for 4 weeks. 4 weeks, not too long, but not too short. Then, start again and do even better the next 4 weeks.

I do like reading your blog as you have had a great success. One thing I actually saw on Grey's anatomy last night :-) was a conversation between women doctors with good moms/bad moms and how each one had different issues in their lives. The woman with the good mom told the other to kind of get over it, concentrate on the good and let the past be in the past...that she admired her and wanted to be just like her, so pulled-together, despite the fact that she dealt with having the bad mom. I know this was a fictional show, but much truth are in those words. If you are stuck in your life, you have made huge changes in the past, why not do it now, to regain yourself? We all have our stuff and our pasts, do you want to live in the past forever?

My dad was an abusive drunk that committed suicide when I was a young mother, my mom a crying victim that did not get us out of that situation. I am sorry I and my brothers had to go through that, but it's the past. I am blessed with being out of the situation with great kids, home and friends now. I wish this feeling for you.

Long term stress and unhappiness is not normal and I wish you could feel better about the good you have in your life and let the past go.

Anonymous said...

Lyn,
Your writing is an inspiration to so many of us, who read but rarely comment. I wish you well and hope you work your way through this sadness soon.

PS When are you getting your puppy? That's bound to cheer you up, although it's always so much more work than you remember.

Stacie said...

I just want you to know that I started a blog about my weight loss because of you. I found your site, and thought "wow, if she can do this for this long so can I". It is www.lovemywaythin@blogspot.com. I hope you can hang in there and see what an inspiration you are to so many.

PlumpNotFat said...

*big hugs*

Desert Singer said...

Give me an "L!"

All = "L"

Give me a "Y!"

All = "Y!!"

Give me an "N!"

All = "N!!!"

Give me another "N!"

All = "N!!!!"

what does that spell?

Terrific!!!

hang in there... we are all rootin' for you :D

Anonymous said...

It's like checking in with an old friend when I visit here. Hugs to you. Psa 56:8 You know how troubled I am; you have kept a record of my tears. Aren't they listed in your book?
Psa 56:9 The day I call to you, my enemies will be turned back. I know this: God is on my side---
Psa 56:10 the LORD, whose promises I praise.
Psa 56:11 In him I trust, and I will not be afraid. What can a mere human being do to me?
Susan b.

Lori said...

I wish you all the best. You know what is right for you, and we'll be here waiting when you get back.
Lori

clickmom said...

I agree that you should take what ever time you need. It sounds to me like you are going through withdrawal. The food dreams and mood swings? Text book. You'll feel better soon. I promise.

Anonymous said...

Praying for strength for you Lyn to get through this stressful time.
Blessings my friend!
Sarah L.

LHA said...

Sorry for your overwhelming sadness. My heart goes out to you.

Lyn said...

Thank you all so, so much. I feel a little better this morning and by this afternoon will have some answers on things that were distressing me a bit. Crossing my fingers for good news.

Anonymous said...

Hang in there, you have lots of people cheering for you!

Casey said...

I just recently discovered that carbs act like dopamine in our systems - which is the feel-good chemical of the brain. Eating carbs actually DOES make us feel good. For a short time. I'm on a carb cleanse and the crash feels so much like depression. I dunno if that can be helpful to you - hang in there. You really are an inspration!

Coley said...

Me too. You're not alone, I feel ya.

Huitzi said...

Hi Lyn, whenever I start losing hope I like to thing about how we are 'just' tiny creatures, in a tiny planet, orbitating around one of the 140 billion stars inside one of the many (MANY) galaxies. I'm usually left with amazement when I thing about how the matter we are made of orginated 14 billions years ago and that our atoms where once a star, yes, a star. And yet, we are so special because we are alife and aware dispite all odds. Perspective is a gift.
I hope you feel better soon. With love,