Thursday, January 6, 2011

I Paid A Price

Last night as I was working through my physical therapy exercises for almost 45 minutes, I had a lot of time to think. I don't listen to anything or watch TV when I am doing those; I use the time to concentrate on my body, its weaknesses and strengths, and how I feel about myself. Last night I was very tired but chose to do them anyway. I felt proud of myself and strong, and it added to my determination to have the best body I reasonably can. When I got to some of the exercises, my knees began to make those sickening noises they sometimes make. It is all I can do to work through that. It seriously had me in tears... not from pain, because there was none... but from that horrid sound and knowing that I have a problem that probably cannot be fixed completely. Ever. It really bothers me and upsets me emotionally to think that my eating and my weight destroyed part of my body so badly. I wonder if I would have had this bad arthritis anyway if I'd stayed slim, but I do think at least it would have been delayed by a decade or two. Whenever I hear that grinding, crunching knee noise it reminds me that I picked Big Macs over my health, and that I quite literally paid for those bowls of brownie batter with my own cartilage.

So I worked through it and stuck to the thought that I will just do my best NOW to maximise what I am capable of.

Today was simpler with the food... less thinking, more just following the routine. We had tacos for dinner: lean, grass fed local beef, beans, cheese and lettuce in Carb Balance tortillas for the kids, and a taco salad for me (5 oz beef, 2.5 cups of Romaine, 1/4 cup sliced yellow peppers, 1 T salsa, and 2 T light salsa Ranch dressing). Good and filling.

I still have some stressful garbage going on in my life that would, if I was not off the sugar, drive me to binge, but being low carb and having a *plan* works wonders for my ability to turn away from the binge. At least for now. I am very much hoping for a good weigh in on Sunday.


Kathleen said...

But it's done. You cannot beat yourself up about it. Also, I know plenty of always-thin people who are younger than you with arthritis. I do know what you mean, though. I have loose skin and my teeth aren't perfect -- because I overate. My skin has sun damage because I didn't protect it. Etc. But I eat right now and take care of my skin now. That's what's matters.

He Took MY Last Name said...

My knee grinds too. I know what you mean by that sound. Its awful. :(

I just got orthotics for my shoes, because my knee cap is pulled out of place due to weakened muscles.

Now I am doing my exercises and wearing my shoes. We can only do all that we can, and give our best. So just keep doing what you are doing. Your knees aren't the only thing to benefit from you losing weight.

Your heart, your lungs, your skeletal structure all benefited from you losing 100 lbs. Cherish those moments.

Anonymous said...

Lyn, could you tell us the exercises you do that strengthen your knees? I know that you do some squats and leg lifts right?

I am wondering because a few days ago I tore the menicus in my right knee and it impeded my knee joint and I had a locked knee for 5 hours. Anyway, the moral of the story is that I need to gain more strength around my knee to help keep things in place.

BTW, the last time this happened I was about the same weight I am now (175ish), as it was when I was in junior high. I did not have this problem when I was 260lbs!

But to be fair, it happens when I do a deep squat or kneel and sit on my feet and then twist my body, neither of which I had an easy time doing when I was heavier.

Amanda said...

If it's any consolation, my max weight was 200 and my knees make the same lovely grinding, popping noise. It makes every doctor who's moved them around (GP, rheumatologist, orthopedist) cringe.

Sometimes it's just genetic. And even if not, what's done is done. The important thing is you're making sure now that you don't increase the damage.

Anonymous said...

Most, if not all of what we do is to meet a need we have at the time. As such, perhaps it can be considered an act of self love. Eating sweets is in fact an attempt to sooth myself (love) even though I may feel hatred and self-loathing at the time. My unhealthy eating behaviors are almost always done to remedy pain of some sort.
Blaming it on an inner brat, or the "fat me" can never be helpful. I know now that I always over ate or ate crap to fill a need. It may have been loneliness, boredom, fear, or I may have been asleep to myself. Even outright acts of self-harm (cutting, purging, suicide attempt) are first an attempt to self sooth, not to harm. That urge to sooth (love) is so strong that I may not see the negative consequences. I will not criticize myself for my love. But look for ways to allow it to grow. That means no more name calling, no more statements that what I did or who I was is "laughable'. I would not say those things to a child. I will not say them to myself. I am listening.

(Sorry, I am not hiding but I have not yet learned how to choose an identity)

Susannah said...

Lyn, every bit of strengthening you do now for your knees will pay off later. Bravo to you for your courage! Keep taking very good care of yourself.