Fun and Therapy

I had a LOT of fun yesterday skating with my little girl. Every time I sit down and start tying roller skates on my feet, I get a thrill of excitement that reminds me of being in sixth grade again. I just LOVE going around on the wooden floors with all the kids out there. I cannot even tell you how happy it makes me to be out there with my child instead of watching or just sitting home. It's really nice to live life.

We have had some company staying with us and it's been very pleasant and enjoyable. There's a lot of food, though, and I am not one to broadcast my "dieting" to anyone I am not super close to. They certainly know I've lost a lot of weight; in fact, one of them when they saw me just said, "oh... wow!" It was kinda cute! So last night we went to a buffet, where I carefully chose the most nutritious, on-plan foods I could in eyeballed portions. My protein was mainly chicken breast with a few bites of tofu and 2 bites of pork; my veggies were plain cold sliced cucumbers, a lot of broccoli, a few mushrooms and other on-plan veggies. I drank water and skipped dessert. The only variable is that the veggies were in a curry sauce, so I did ingest a little of that, but not much as it mostly drained off onto my plate (I had no rice). I am guess I had 1-2 Tablespoons of sauce, and counted it as a fat and my condiments for the day.

Today I went to physical therapy and again they kicked my butt! Seriously, it is quite a workout. I just love the people there and my therapist is awesome! He understands where I am coming from and what my goals are and we work together wonderfully. So he added a very difficult exercise to my routine, which already included biking to warm up, shallow wall squats, calf raises, balancing on one foot on a mini trampoline (this is hard to do!), lying leg raises on each side and on my back, hamstring pulls on a machine, four different hip exercises on each leg on a machine, bridges, and several different kinds of weighted and supported leg raises while lying on a table. The one he added has me standing on a 4-inch step with one foot and putting the other foot out in front of me, then lowering myself slowly to touch my heel to the floor and back up, without letting my knee go past my toes. Wow, is it hard to do! I was exhausted when we got done.

Dinner tonight got away from me a bit. I was completely on plan all day and then I was asked to make grilled ham sandwiches for dinner, and I ate one of those and a large bowl of green salad. Ham is too high in sodium to be on plan regularly but the amount (ounces) was about right; however, the roll was a definite no no.

Otherwise, doing great and feeling stronger. I seriously cannot wait for January. It just seems like a much brighter month for me than December, and also feels closer to spring. Life is good :)

I Am Ready

Whelp, about time to be turning this back into a *weight loss* blog. Enough with the breaks, time to get this thing done.

My plan is to get back to basics and stick with my current eating plan (Medifast) 100% without any "going off" or "special treats" or whatever until I get to my goal. And then, to do the transition program s-l-o-w-l-y, and on to a lifetime of maintenance. I did pretty well with staying on plan for about three months (no cheats whatsoever) and then the little bits here and there started to sneak in. You can totally tell by the way my weight loss slowed down, too, although I did lose 59 pounds since spring. And really my eating has been a disaster since I hit 175 pounds in the middle of November, for whatever reason. But whether it was physical or mental or a combination of both, I have certainly had enough of a break from strictness now to be *ready* to get back to work. So back to work I go! Back to Sunday weigh ins without gains. Back to the simplicity of eating on a schedule (8am, 10am, noon, 3pm, 6pm, 8:30pm) with no added crap. I do love to cook, you know, and be creative in the kitchen, but I think it started to get in the way of weight loss lately so I aim to simplify. Baked salmon, poached/baked/steamed chicken breasts, canned tuna, lean cuts of beef and pork, and eggs/Egg Beaters will comprise most of my dinner protein from now on. Easy cut and steamed broccoli, cauliflower, and green beans will be joined by salads and the occasional pot of kale or other greens for my veggies. SIMPLE, not complicated. Just stick the meat and the veggies on a plate and eat them. The kids can have their mashed potatoes or wheat bread or brown rice with it, I don't mind. Easy stuff here. No more elaborate recipes with a ton of thought put into them (well, maybe ONCE in awhile, just for fun). I am sick of trying to figure out what's already been figured out. I know what works for me; it is simple: five mini meals a day (Medifast) and one nice sized dinner of 5-7 oz lean protein and 3 servings of vegetables. I do not have to reinvent the wheel here. And if you want to replicate this without Medifast, you can! Count calories or carbs if you like, but eat something small and nutritious every 2-3 hours, mainly lean protein, limited carbs, no sugary crap, lots of water. But, you know, ask your doctor first, because I can't prescribe a plan for anyone but me :)

So that's how it is, right now, no more waiting and having a cookie first. I had my 'break' and now I am on the clock. I will be eating 100% on my plan, and I will be doing my (extensive and getting difficult) physical therapy exercises every day. I may take one day off per week as a rest day depending on how I feel.

The other day, I got kind of ticked off at myself. I hit 175 pounds, my lowest weight in 13 years, on October 30th. At that time I made a goal for myself: to weigh 159 on New Years Day. I figured if I worked hard I could lose about 2 pounds a week, and there were 9 weeks til January 1. Losing 2 pounds a week would have put me at 157 pounds THIS WEEKEND. Instead, here I sit at 185 pounds. Doesn't that just suck? It really does. I had a goal and I lost it. I gained 10 instead of losing 18 which put a 28 pound spread between where I could have been and where I am. Yuck! But then I reflect on this whole, 3+ year journey I've had, with lots of ups and downs and highs and lows, and I realize that even if I *could* take back all the screw ups and have hit 145 pounds in 2008, I would not do it. You know why? Because the *head work* is what is going to KEEP me thin. I had so much stuff to work through and fix. I am sure if I had not done that, and had zoomed to 145 in a year's time, I would have regained and would weigh more, much more, than I do right now. I truly believe that. Maybe it's not true for some people, but for me, I have had some major food issues that had to be fixed. And I am confident they are *getting fixed* by doing this he way I am doing it. I am not just losing weight, here. I am learning along the way... as I've said before... getting a PhD in *myself.* And THAT is a lifelong process... but losing weight doesn't have to be.

I am ready, and I've already begun today. I will keep using Twitter to post my main meal (usually dinner) for accountability and to give you an idea of what I am eating besides Medifast. If you're interested you can follow me on Twitter or you can just look down there on the left side of my blog under "What I'm Eating Now" where you can see realtime updates of my dinners. (I don't Tweet much at all, but I do think it is cool to be able to post your food intake on Twitter and have it post right to your blog! Give it a try, pretty simple!) I use Facebook more often to post what I am up to during the day or some random thoughts or to see what YOU are up to, so friend me there if you like.

I want to thank each of you for the kind comments and emails you have sent me throughout 2010. It is so good to feel supported and know that the time I spend writing here is making a difference. I am so grateful for the wonderful support and friendships I find here, and I wish each of you a peaceful, successful and healthy 2011! And now I am off to go roller skating with my daughter :)


*FTC-required disclosure: Medifast provided me with its products for my personal use for free. I am not paid or compensated in any other way for mentioning their products. Medifast states an "average weight loss of up to 2 to 5 pounds a week."*

Oh Dad, I Miss You

Second post today, but I am suddenly overcome by emotion...

Oh how I miss my father. I miss his tall, slim figure in the hallway peeking in to check on me in my room when I was a child. I miss the way he held me on his lap and told told me I was beautiful and smart. I miss the way he would always sit and play Scrabble with me when I was a kid, letting me use a dictionary as a spell-checker so I could become proficient at the game. I miss his deep, calm voice that soothed when my mother was frantic and raging. I miss how he used to send me into the living room and tell me not to peek in the kitchen while he made little trays of special appetizers, just for me, with toothpicks in them to make them special. I miss the smell of his turkey rice soup simmering on the stove, and the way he always gave me a big hug when he came home from work in his tan or light yellow button-down shirt. I miss his dark brown trousers... I never in my life saw him in jeans, sweats, or shorts... and his mallard duck cuff links. I miss the way he smelled, how he looked when I'd catch a glimpse of him shaving in the bathroom, how he hid little surprises for me on the top shelf of his bedroom closet. I miss how he never used Kleenexes because they were wasteful, but always had a clean white handkerchief in his pocket for a nose blow or when I needed my tears wiped away. I miss his black socks lined up neatly in the drawer, and the way he always gave me the green olive from his martini and let me play with the little plastic swords the olives came on. I miss Michelob beer in the fridge and the big green 1972 Ford station wagon in the driveway that he kept and drove for more than 15 years. I deeply miss the sound of his voice, singing loud and clear along with Al Jolson or Patsy Cline or Jim Reeves on the record player. Oh how he loved to sing. I miss going to Hersheypark together every summer and watching him play skee ball until he won me a prize, and I miss his hugs. I was his only child. It has been 21 years, and I am so sad he is gone.

Did I ever tell you about his death? About how I was a newlywed and had found out just days prior that I was expecting my first child, but hadn't told anyone but my husband yet? Did I tell you how, because I was being shunned by a religion that I grew up in but no longer believed in, they called me so cold and flat on the phone and said, "Your father passed away"? Did I tell you how I dropped the phone and screamed until I could scream no more? How could he be gone? He was fine. He'd died in his sleep of a massive heart attack. I was on my way out the door to take my stepkids to Pizza Hut and got that call. My husband drove me to my mother's house to comfort her, even though they told me not to come... the religious leaders. I thought my mother needed me. My Dad, he wasn't in any religion, and what did religion matter when my father was dead anyway? Did I tell you that on the drive out to the country, sitting in the passenger seat numb with shock, I saw the hearse carrying my father's body going the opposite way, passing us on the road? Did I tell you that when I arrived at my childhood home, my mother was weeping, surrounded by her friends from her religion, none of whom could even speak a word of kindness to me when my father had died just an hour or two prior? Shunning is real, and very hurtful, and may I add that there is no "sin" so dire that anyone deserves such treatment, and then I will add that I had never smoked, didn't drink, never did drugs, remained chaste until marriage, and my "sin" worthy of such treatment was to be a Christian of a different sect than their religion. Did I ever mention here that after I stood, numb, in that kitchen where my father used to make trays of appetizers and play Scrabble with me, someone walked up to me and handed me a set of clean sheets and said, "do something useful for your mother. Go change the sheets on her bed."

And then I walked in there, alone in the dim, quiet room where my father kept those little surprises for me in his closet when I was a child and where he still had his rows of clean handkerchiefs and black socks in the drawers and the mallard cuff links on the dresser, and I set the sheets down, and I looked at the rumpled sheets and blankets on the bed where my father had just died, and I gingerly folded them up to take to the washing machine, my tears dripping silently off my face and mixing with what was left of my father on those sheets.

Dad, I miss you so much, and I thought the pain was not so bad this year. I was fine all day and then suddenly it hit me just now, that you have been gone from my life longer than you were in it. It's so unfair, you never got to know any grandchildren, never got to see me as an adult. It's so unfair that they took your ashes and threw them away instead of giving them to me to save or scatter in a place where I could visit and remember. There is no marker for your earthly remains, Dad, but there is a permanent marker for you in my heart. I love you Dad.

For a story I wrote in memory of my wonderful father, click here.

Sadly, It's Just Food

Over the past couple of weeks I have come to a rather sad realization. Well, it's sad, because I feel like my fantasy-land bubble is bursting... but it's also a joyous thing in another way. In other words, I think once I get over the sadness I will be thrilled with this lesson.

The new insight is this: it's just food. Now, this is not news to a lot of people. In fact, I've been reading variations of this concept for ages: "food is just fuel" and things like that. I even caught glimpses of a non-emotional relationship with food when I got completely off junky foods and started low carbing with Medifast. I described sitting by a loaf of warm bread and it not "calling" to me; it may as well have been a rock on a plate. I just didn't care.

However, I can assure you that if I were to take a bite of that bread *anyway*, suddenly it would become way, way more than a rock. Food, once it is in my mouth, has always become an Experience. It's some kind of transcendent thing where, for example, if I eat a slice of cheesecake it is almost as if I am suddenly floating above the clouds with angels singing and beams of light shining around me. When I'd sit down on the couch and eat a bag of chips I'd sort of zone out and go to some other place, unaware of anything around me, wrapped up completely in the crunch and the grease and the salt, the sensation of the food going down my throat and the fat coursing through my veins. When I'd eat a plate of pasta, nothing else existed and I was thrown back into some kind of carb high in a world of Parmesan cheese and sausages. It's weird, but it's almost like getting drunk or high I guess. A complete "experience."

Well, that seems to have changed. Over the last few weeks, food HAS called to me as I went off Medifast for one week. I HAVE had cravings and hunger that I have given in to. But none of the foods... NONE... have given me what I wanted from them like they used to. A candy bar used to erase my problems for awhile. A sugary latte would drown out any stress or sadness I was feeling. A plate of cheese made me happy. And the actual, physical experience on my taste buds was just euphoric. Now, I am not sure what happened... if my brain or my body or my taste buds changed so dramatically from being on Medifast for 9 months... but now, it is just NOT the same.

I eat a cookie, it is just a cookie. It's the same recipe I made and got high on last Christmas, but now it just tastes bland, too sweet, boring. I get nothing out of it but a bellyache.

I make my favorite sandwich, take a bite, and it does nothing for me. No erasure of negatives, no special happy high. It tastes like its components: ham, cheese, pickles, mayo. Combining them does not magically turn them into a special potion to solve my problems or make me happy.

I have a piece of bacon, and it tastes like salt and grease. I don't love it, I don't hate it, it is just a piece of bacon and does not change how I feel, and it does not send me spinning into a bacon-happiness coma.

Today is the day my father died, more than two decades ago. I cannot believe he has been gone from my life longer than he was in it. It makes me terribly sad. I have blogged before about how his favorite sandwich was a Reuben, how I didn't even like them when I was a kid and teen, but suddenly after he was gone, I wanted them all the time. Every chance I'd get in a restaurant I'd order a Reuben sandwich, and that first bite would throw me into a delirious swirl of salty, greasy, miss-my-Dad-but-I-am-like-him-with-this-sandwich head trip. Now that I am getting healthy, I try to avoid Reubens. Haven't had one in a long time. But today, I was in a restaurant with one of my kids who got a food gift card for Christmas, so he'd asked me to take him there for lunch. On the menu? Reubens. Big, greasy, salty. I thought about my Dad and how he was gone. I knew it was "the right thing to do" to have a Reuben today in his honor, to be close to him. Only, I knew it wouldn't work. And for the first time in 21 years, I didn't want a Reuben.

I got something else, a turkey sandwich, which was fine but was, again, just food.

It is sad to me, in a way, that there is no special food anymore. I have let myself have several things I have been "dreaming" about for the past 9 months but have not let myself indulge in: a piece of lasagna, a cupcake, some cinnamon toast. Stuff that used to send me flying when I ate it. But this past couple of weeks, every time I ate one of those things, I was disappointed. It may as well have been a plain boiled chicken breast with broccoli. It didn't matter. It *doesn't* matter anymore. I like nicely prepared food as much as anyone, but it is still just food. And now, the simplest things have the most delicious taste to me. A piece of poached salmon with some steamed green beans and salad would be more satisfying than any fancy dish I could dream up.

So yeah, things have changed, and I am kinda sad that I can't "get high" or "escape" with food like I used to. But knowing that whatever I put in my mouth is going to be JUST FOOD and nothing more is also very freeing. Because if that lasagna and garlic bread is *really* the same experience to me as chicken breast and broccoli, then there is no deprivation involved in choosing the latter. And losing weight becomes routine, and not as difficult, and I know I am really... for the first time in my life... okay with NEVER having another Big Mac or another Reuben sandwich again. And that, my friends, makes me happy.

Time Capsule 2010: Visions of the Future

Did you ever make a time capsule when you were a kid? I did, and it's a great idea. I took an empty Quaker oatmeal cylinder and filled it up with stuff: some stickers and drawings of my favorite things, a piece of candy I liked, a story out of the newspaper, a lock of hair, a favorite toy (which is why I ended up opening it early... I wanted my toy back!) The best part was the little note I wrote to my future self. It went something like this:

Dear Future Self,

I am seven years old. You are older. I hope you are doing good in school. Maybe your hair grew. I want a parakeet so I hope you have one. I love bagels. I hope you have a horse. The end.

Signed,
Me, Your Old Self

Then, I sealed it all shut with tape, covered the outside with construction paper and the words "TIME CAPSULE" and "Do Not Open Til 1980!" It seemed so far off back then...

As a culture, we have a tradition of making resolutions that we begin on New Year's Day. A resolution is just an idea... a commitment we make to change some part of our lives or ourselves. It's a promise to try to *do* something that we want to do. It is a way of setting a goal and, hopefully, working towards it. And that's all fine and good, except that most people get busy, get tired of the effort, and forget about their resolutions by March.

Not this time.

I would like to suggest that instead of just a resolution, which can be easily faded in our minds and forgotten, we create a time capsule for ourselves with a vision of the future. In it, we place our current state, our hopes and dreams, our goals and plans to get there. We describe to our future self how we hope to be at the end of the year. As time goes by, we know in the back of our minds that our resolution or commitment is STILL THERE, lurking in that time capsule. It is not going away, it is not fading, and it is a standing testament of WHAT we wanted to do and WHY we wanted to do it. It is there to state HOW we will do it and BY WHEN. It is a commitment that cannot be forgotten, because we know in one year, we will open that time capsule and see just how we have done, instead of just forgetting about it and making another random resolution on the next New Year's Day.

I would like this blog post to become our time capsule. What is written here will stand through time. One year from this week, on December 30, 2011, I will link us back to this post so we can all look at our comments, just like opening a time capsule. What will you say to your future self? What will you think and feel when you come back and read them in a year?

To participate, please leave a comment stating some or all of the following:

Where you are now (this can be your weight, your physical condition, how you feel emotionally about yourself)
What you want to accomplish in 2011
How will you get there?
What do you hope to see for yourself on December 30, 2011? How are you different? How has your life changed?
A note to your future self.

Your note can be as detailed or as brief as you like. This can be a powerful thing. You will know in the back of your mind, all year long, that this time capsule is here and you did make a commitment to yourself. You will remember because it is real, not just a thought.

I hope you'll give this a try. You may find it more revealing and powerful thank you think.

Here's mine.

Dear Lyn,

I weigh 185 pounds today. I am really tired of being fat. I'd very much like to be closer to what I used to weigh before I lost my baby and started gaining all this weight. This really needs to be the LAST year for major weight loss.  I am ready to move on to maintenance.

I am sure I can do this. I have a good 30-35 pounds to lose and that is SO much more doable than any amount I have ever had to lose in the past! Focus...I have to focus, and get it done. I want to be there by the end of April.

By this time next year my puppy will be a big dog, hopefully a great partner in my new active life. I hope I had a year full of adventure: hiking, swimming, roller blading, strength training, dog sports, and a self defense class. I bet my knees will be SO much better. I will have so much more energy.

Future Lyn, listen to me. No food is worth the misery of obesity. It is just not worth it. You never want to go back, not even to this "borderline" overweight state I am in now. Just stay a normal weight, okay? You do not want to EVER have to diet again. Just eat healthy and be active and let the obesity be in the past. It's over, let it go, and be a new person. I love you.

Signed,
Your past self.

Your turn.

Weigh In and Update

Last Sunday I weighed 189. This morning, I weigh 185. That's four pounds gone this week, even with Christmas Eve dinner and allowing myself to have *some* cookies in the evening several days this week. I stayed on plan during the day and drank tons of water. I have to call a halt to the cookies soon, though. We are making and frosting sugar cookies today so there maybe be one or two on the evening agenda with tea. But tomorrow I am going to freeze whatever the kids haven't eaten and let it go, and get back to really focusing on my health. One thing I learned this week is that just because I want to eat a cookie or two, that doesn't mean I have to go off the rails and eat burgers and fries and candy all day long. Might sound silly, but that's what I used to do. If I couldn't have a perfect day, I'd say 'screw it' and just eat crazy all day and "start over" tomorrow. That's pretty silly. May as well eat right at least *most* of the time!

I am pretty excited about January coming up. I love the energy of a fresh new year AND I am so happy that finally the days are gradually getting longer again. I am very much looking forward to spring!

Enjoy your weekend!

Dichotomy of Emotions

Oh my gosh, I am an emotional *wreck* today! But in a way, it's a good (but painful) thing. I learned something insightful about myself today.

I've come to the conclusion that there are two different kinds/origins of emotions and feelings. I hadn't thought about this before, but today being as difficult as it's been has given me some new insight about this. I think some feelings/emotions arise from the mind, while others arise from the body. Here's what I mean, and how I figured this out:

I feel, as I said, like an emotional wreck. I have been on the verge of tears today, wanting to curl up in a ball and cry or sleep. However, I am, on a different level, content and happy. I had a lovely Christmas morning with my children who all loved their presents. We enjoyed a peaceful, quiet day together which is just what I wanted. How is this even possible without a split personality?

I started paying attention to where the feelings were coming from. The first set of feelings, which came and went in waves all day long, seem to be coming from my body. I am in full-blown PMS mode right now. I am bloated, I have the worst cramps I have had in months (no doubt from the sugar I have eaten the past week), I have a PMS headache and a backache and I feel like I want to rip my uterus out. These physical feelings and the hormones that go along with it are coming though in the emotions of desperation, sadness, frustration, weepiness, and discontent. The second set of feelings, which are fairly constant but sometimes get overrun by the first set of emotions, seem to be coming from my mind. I am thankful for a Christmas together with my kids. I am utterly happy and content to have them with me, to not have to go anywhere or really do anything today, and to just sit and *be* and enjoy life. It feels wonderful and in my mind I know how blessed I am and what a great path I am on right now. These thoughts and this knowledge in my mind is coming through in the emotions of contentment, peacefulness, and happiness.

And so I have all of those emotions at once, which can be exhausting and confusing (What is wrong with me? One minute I am joyful and the next I want to cry!). But when I started examining *where* the feelings are coming from and why, it makes sense. I am NOT sad because I miss anyone right now, or because of any sad thoughts I am having... I only feel sad in waves of nondescript raw emotion, which as I said is coming from my physical body. The contentment and happiness is certainly *not* from any physical condition (I have felt that, though, and I am sure you have too... when something feels really great physically and makes you happy). The good feelings are coming from the positive thoughts I am having.

Interesting, no? I think perhaps the hardest thing is when the mind and body are both in "down" mode, when you feel terrible physically *and* your mind is having truly sad thoughts. And the wonderful days are those where the mind and body mesh in positivity. Today, though, at least I understand that I am in a good place mentally even if my body is miserable.

Enjoy the rest of your Christmas!

Compromise and Healing

Merry Christmas to all who celebrate it! And peace and joy to everyone :) We had a lovely Christmas Eve Day, including crafts, baking, music, an email from Santa, and a short trip to see some real live reindeer. It's 9:30 and I am waiting for everyone to go to bed so Santa can come, which is easier when the kids are little. Teenagers like to stay up really late!

I have been doing well and am much relieved in how my body and emotions feel. Been doing my PT exercises and staying on Medifast this week, with a bit of allowance for the holidays. I know it is a tough choice every time a special occasion rolls around, as to whether and how much to indulge, or if it's better to just power through it and stay on plan. I am generally, at least in theory, in the "power through it" camp. But I also listen to my feelings *carefully* (I am learning how to tell when it is the Inner Brat trying to get an excuse to eat crap, versus when it is some kind of psychological desire or "need" for something else. It's a tricky balance but one I think will be a lifetime to master).

Anyway, I decided to bake for Christmas but not to the usual three-week-long, dozen-kinds-of-cookies-and-four-kinds-of-fudge extent. I narrowed the cookies way down to the kids' favorites and one kind of fudge, and I waited until yesterday to start making them. I was on plan all day including lean roast beef & peppers sauteed together for dinner, and I had 2 cookies as well. No, the cookies were not on plan, but I think I hit a pretty good compromise. Today, I made the rest of the cookies. I ate on plan all day *knowing* I would allow myself a couple after dinner. I finally felt really in control and at peace with the "holiday food" dilemma... and while 2 cookies makes my joints *slightly* sore, it's not as bad as last week when I was eating sugar in higher quantities.

We usually have "funeral potatoes" as part of our Christmas Eve dinner, but this year I used shredded cauliflower instead of hash browns in this casserole, as well as using far less fat (much less butter, 2% low fat cheese, no buttered crumb topping) for a lower carb version. It was good! We also had ham and green beans for dinner. I skipped the sparkling cider and had water instead.

I admit sometimes I wonder if I am fooling myself when I "let" myself go off plan for one thing or another. I do have discipline... I have shown that when I am determined to stay on plan I can say no to anything, for months on end. I went several months in a row without a single off-plan *bite* this year. But part of me still wants healing, and part of the healing often seems to have to do with food. I don't totally understand it, but I get the distinct sense that if I say "no, never" to certain things, I get emotionally affected and end up binge eating. I could be wrong about this... sometimes I do think just NEVER having sugary sweets again is the answer. But then the inner child... not the brat, but the hurting child who had to sit and watch her classmates eat Christmas cookies year after year, never having so much as a taste... quietly asks for some kind of healing allowance and mothering with moderate "yeses" in order to feel nurtured and healed. I dunno. It feels that way to me, so I am going with it for now. I do think it's better to eat on plan all day and then have 2 "allowed" cookies in the evening than it is to be having an emotional breakdown because "I never get Christmas cookies/parties/presents" (that's the inner child from the past, speaking) and wind up in a colossal, emotional binge. But yeah, it's still pretty much trial and error to see what works.

It's an emotional time of year for me, with holidays, missing loved ones who are no longer with me, remembering the anniversary of a failed marriage and the date of my father's sudden death right after Christmas long ago. Combine that with shortened days and I always, *always* have the hardest time from late November through the end of December. Part of the key to losing this weight has been acknowledging past hurts and sadness, letting myself feel the feelings instead of stuffing them down with food, and allowing myself to feel the way I feel *without* wallowing in it or letting it swallow me up. Instead of saying to myself, "you *shouldn't* feel that way" and trying to rationalize WHY I should not be sad/angry/anxious, I accept that I do have feelings and they are valid. I do not, however, have to let those feelings drive my actions.

I do not have to let my childhood longing for holiday treats drive me to eat cookies.
I do not have to let my adult guilt and thoughts about perfection drive me to complete deprivation.
I can make my own choices, in spite of or in harmony with my own feelings.
My feelings are valid, and I will honor them the best way I know how, which does not necessarily involve eating nor does it necessarily involve deprivation.

I have spent a lot of time trying to figure out what the coming year will look like for me. I have a pretty good, solid vision of 2011 for myself, and I feel confident I can make it happen. I definitely see myself reaching a stable goal weight before summer, although I am still not sure what that weight will be (but I am guessing it will be in the range of 140-155 pounds). I hope to have my puppy sometime between now and spring, and that puppy is going to be a catalyst to new activity, including long walks and dog sports. Eventually, we might even roller blade together! (Well, no blades on the dog!) I have an exercise regimen in place with my physical therapy now and am adding in biking a little at a time. By summer I hope that daily exercise and outings are a habit and I will be able to formulate a simple diet based around fresh local produce, lean meats and healthy fats.

As we wind our way through this last week of 2010, let's try to be mindful of what we are choosing and why. Let's make some decisions about where we want to be next year, and take the time to plan out a course of action to get there. 2011 *can* be your year. It really can. It will be mine, just like this year was.

To The Mothers

Today I went roller skating with my daughter, who is five. It isn't the first time we've done this; I wrote about skating with her at her school's skate party earlier this year and how freeing and fun it was. It was, I think, the third time I have skated in my adult life (all three times have been in the last 3 months).

As I was skating around the rink with my little one, holding her hand, laughing, watching the silly disco lights together, I was filled with the kind of joy that is simply indescribable. The broad smile on her face, the twinkle in her eyes, the music, the laughter of the other children was all-consuming as we moved around the slick floor without a care. It was the happiest moment I've had all month.

I used to not even be able to take a short walk with her. I used to sit on the bench at the park or in my yard and watch her play. I used to hate pushing her on the swings because it meant standing for more than 30 seconds, and my legs hurt. I used to bring my kids to skate parties and either sit and watch or drop them off and go shopping. I used to sit on the couch and watch my daughter play with her dollhouse on the floor. I used to hobble after her when she ran kicking her soccer ball... not because I was trying to play with her, but because I was afraid she'd run out in the road.

I used to watch. Now I participate.

Mothers, please, please hear me on this one. I have been the morbidly obese mother, always trying to lose weight but never quite succeeding, watching her children play and enjoy life as I sat on the sidelines. Ten years I watched my kids grow up before me. I thought that was the fullness of my joy, because watching your child be happy IS a most wonderful, joyful, satisfying thing. But playing with them on the slides, swinging and laughing together on the swings, playing dolls with them on the floor, kicking the ball together in the yard, and even roller skating together is ten times better than watching. If you are able... if there is a chance you are capable... (because I know some are not... some mothers have no choice but to watch from the sidelines in a wheelchair or with whatever unfixable malady they have, and in fact, someday my own bad knees may prevent me once again from doing some of these things)... if there is ANY way you CAN... take it! Grab it... run with it! Get the weight off and step into your child's life. I was a good mother before. I loved them before. But now, I am able to EXPERIENCE IT WITH THEM, not just observe. And just one day of skating with my daughter makes all 3+ years of fighting off those pounds worth it. It is worth every struggle, every battle. Nothing tastes as good as playing with your child feels.

If you can... do it! Don't wait. They grow up oh-so-quickly, and you never get those years back. Now is the time. They will love you regardless, but do it for you. Do it before it's too late.

Enjoying the Season

Today is a great day! I am feeling fantastic, even though I have PMS, because the sugar is out of my system. When I am eating right, I feel so good most of the time that I wonder why I *ever* eat junk! I guess I get bored, or jealous of what other people are eating, or my mouth just wants the old experiences of eating the old familiar foods in large quantities. But when I eat sugar and fat and salt, I feel so awful. It only takes an hour or less for me to start feeling bad. My energy drops, my stomach aches. My heart starts beating weirdly, I get indigestion, and within a day my joints hurt badly. But the most dramatic change is my mood. Emotionally, when I eat sugar and crap, my happiness and contentment level plummets. I am sure part of that is disappointment in myself for eating junk, but a big part of it is physical. I start feeling lonely, sad, worthless, unhappy, tired. I sit and ruminate on all the bad things in life. And I feel sorry for myself. And then because I feel sorry for myself I treat myself to some more junky food. It's an awful cycle and it is very hard to break out of. Thankfully, I am pretty good at breaking out of that cycle and getting back on plan now. It used to take me months. Then weeks. Now I can have one meal like that and get right back to business, although the goal here is *not* to have meals/days like that at all. I'm not perfect, and when they happen I *need* to be able to put the brakes on quickly or I would gain right back up the scale and be 300 pounds in no time.

Yesterday was a great, on plan day. I did all of my physical therapy exercises in the evening. All of my Christmas shopping is finally done, and today we begin the holiday baking. In the past I've always baked a dozen different kinds of cookies and made four kinds of candy with my kids for Christmas and I started that baking quite early in December. This year, I am making probably 3 kinds of cookies and one kind of fudge. And we haven't even started yet! I can hardly wait. Some of the most fun we have at Christmas is decorating gingerbread men and sugar cookies with tons of sprinkles and a rainbow of icing. Some of you may recall that I never had this as a child, so it is very meaningful to me and a tradition I will always keep.

I hope all of you have a Merry Christmas or whatever other Happy Holiday you enjoy, and if you don't celebrate then I hope you enjoy a nice day of peace :)

Why Do You Eat What You Don't Want?

Half the time, when I go off plan I end up eating stuff I don't even like, that doesn't even taste good. Have you noticed that? You get in some kind of a tizzy *having* to eat, sometimes it is about a certain food or a particular flavor you're after. If you're stuck at home without *that food* have you ever just started eating crap that you weren't even wanting in the first place? I recall a time when all I really wanted was a Hostess Lemon Pie. I HAD to have it, I could not get it out of my mind. But since I was trying to lose weight I refused to let myself get in the car and drive out JUST to get that stupid pie (and besides, whenever I *did* make a "run" for one stupid food I wanted but didn't need/shouldn't have, I'd get this irrational fear that I'd get in a car accident and be killed or run someone over or one of my kids would be hurt, all because I made this irrational spur-of-the-moment food run). So instead of the pie I'd start opening all the cabinets, trying to find something *like pie* which sometimes was as far fetched as a tortilla fried in butter with cinnamon sugar on it, or maybe 6 pieces of buttered toast. I'd eat and eat and never feel like I was *done.* Or one time I wanted potato chips SO bad but I'd promised myself I wouldn't go buy chips, so I ended up standing in front of the fridge stuffing my mouth full of Swiss cheese slices that didn't even taste very good. Or another time when I wanted Oreos but ended up eating so many salted cashews that I was nauseous. And I kept eating them well *after* I knew I didn't want them. What the heck is up with that? Why does a person binge on toast or nuts or cheese that they don't even WANT?

I wish I knew. Some days I really wonder what is going on with myself. Today was a *perfect* on plan eating day until evening when I was tired and stressed out and just felt like eating. I was pacing the kitchen. I didn't know what I wanted. I kept telling myself to get out of the kitchen, and then I'd leave and go back ten minutes later. I was digging in the cabinets and the fridge. I was feeling like I might lose it. "WHY did I start back on this weight loss business instead of waiting til January 1st like everyone else?? I could have been eating cookies right now, and ice cream, and subs..." Totally irrational, I tell ya. I grabbed the last Greek yogurt... one with honey and vanilla in it, opened it, took one bite and then threw it out. I peeled a cold pepperoni off a leftover slice of pizza in the fridge, started to eat that single pepperoni but then my senses overcame me and I spit it out. Walked out of the kitchen, then back. "I shoulda waited!" I forgot, for a moment, all about the pain and the weight and how I'd probably weigh 200 pounds by the New Year if I'd kept it up. I forgot about how last week, I was just DYING for red velvet cake, DYING I tell you. I don't even really LIKE red velvet cake. What is it anyway, some kind of dilute chocolate cake loaded with red dye? It's gross, but I like the *idea* of it. I like the *thought* of liking it, because it is "special" and other people like it and it is fancy. So I want to like it, so I crave it. And I ended up, last week, at the grocery store bakery alone one day, staring hard at the 6-pack of Red Velvet cupcakes on the shelf. I *knew* if I bought them I'd eat them all. I went over and asked the bakery kid if he would sell me ONE Red Velvet Cupcake. He looked at me like I was nuts. "I don't even know how much that would be!" he said, "We don't have singles!" I think he saw the crushed look on my face because he suddenly decided to open the 6-pack, take one out and wrap it for me and sell it to me for 83 cents. I went home, I unwrapped that cupcake and took a bite. What the heck? It was not even good! It didn't taste special at all. It was just a dumb, fluffy, dilute chocolate cake loaded with red dye, which I already knew. I knew I never liked it, but I kept eating it, every bite telling myself that the *next* bite would be the good one, where I'd swoon into Red Velvet Fantasyland and get what I was looking for from that cupcake. It never happened, but I ate it anyway.

And so tonight as I swarmed the kitchen looking for... for what? I dunno, for that elusive *something*... I thought, "gee, I want some Red Velvet Cake. I should go to a bakery, a really GREAT bakery where cupcakes are $5, and buy one..." and then I thought, "this is the stupidest thing ever. I DON'T LIKE RED VELVET CAKE!!" And then as I looked through the cabinets one last time, I moved aside the bananas and saw a baggie with a dried up, lonely old butterscotch cookie in it. A cookie I didn't even like when they were freshly baked... a cookie that a pack of teenagers and a 5-year-old didn't even want. And I took that thing out of the bag and ate it, stale crumbs falling all over. It was dry and disgusting. WHY? I don't get it, but then, I was done.

So, one good day and one bad cookie. Progress, I guess.

I am Thin, I am Fat

I am thin, because my legs fit into those tiny looking size 10 jeans.
I am fat, because some days I just don't believe it and still put on that last lonely, baggy pair of size 14's.
I am thin, because all my rings are falling off even my largest fingers now.
I am fat, because my upper arms swing and sway, loaded down with fat in a most horrific manner.
I am thin, because I see a slim, defined waist when I wear a form fitting size medium shirt.
I am fat, because when I am naked, the vast expanse of my belly reminds me of being pregnant.
I am thin, because I can wear any regular-sized watches or bracelets I want to now, even ones that used to be far too small.
I am fat, because when I hang my arms down and bend my wrists, there is a small puddle of skin folds right at the tops of my hands and elbows.
I am thin, because I can hike and walk for miles.
I am fat, because I can't hike or walk more than 2 miles without pain.
I am thin, because I have a defined jawline.
I am fat, because I see some crepe-paper-looking skin on my neck.
I am thin, because I eat vegetables and lean meats and healthy fats in moderation.
I am fat, because if I eat one cookie, I eat a dozen.
I am thin, because in a slim jacket, jeans, and boots I look hot.
I am fat, because in a swimsuit I look atrocious. Seriously. At least from the waist down.
I am thin, because I can cross my legs.
I am fat, because when I walk quickly, I can feel the loose, jiggly fat on my thighs swinging forward in a way that actually hurts the tops of my thighs.
I am thin, because I look in the mirror and can see it.
I am fat, because I look in the mirror and can see it.

But more and more I am thin. The new mindset is starting to take over. No matter what anyone else sees when they look at me now, what matters is what *I* see and what *I* think. More often I see the good changes and I focus less on the negatives. More and more, I see reality rather than illusion.

The fact is, I am on the fuzzy edge between thin and fat. I am "overweight"... not obese, not ideal. If I gained 20 pounds I'd certainly be obese and if I lost 20 I'd be close to ideal. I'm in an interesting place where whether I think I am fat or not, I am right.

I choose to be who I am, and I am beginning, finally, to let go of the labels. I am just me. My body is what it is. Calling it names does not change that fact at all. Loving myself and respecting what I have done and am continuing to do for my health is the best course. I am learning every day to know and understand and accept myself. And that is a good thing.

A Good Day, and What the PT Said

So far today has been awesome! I took an Excedrin this morning to ward of the headache before it started. I have had a *wonderful* day and I cannot believe how much better I feel already!

7AM: green tea
8AM: Medifast Cranberry Mango drink (sort of reminds me of a smoothie)
10AM: Medifast Cinnamon Pretzels (the 'old' kind, for those who know what I mean! Yum.)
Noon: I was out at the mall visiting Santa with my daughter. I brought a water bottle and a Medifast Peanut Butter Crunch bar with me. I also got a 12 oz coffee with sugar free syrup in it and 2 Tablespoons of half and half. I drank part of it at the mall and brought the rest home.
3PM: Medifast Hot Cocoa mixed with the rest of that coffee. Very good.

For dinner at 6, I am planning to have chicken breast (6 oz cooked weight) with 1 1/2 cups of cooked veggies, probably broccoli. At 8 or 8:30 I will have a Medifast brownie. And that will be it for the day.

If at any point I feel like I am really hungry I will have a half ounce of raw almonds or a sugar free Jello cup.

As planned, with no snack:
928 calories
125 g protein
83 g carbs
16% calories from fat

I also have a spoonful of Barlean's Fish Oil daily which is actually yummy, and it does add 45 calories and 3.5 g fat to my totals but Nutrition Support at Medifast advised me not to count it because it is a supplement. I think it really helps my arthritis.

Major victory today was being at the mall, surrounded by "mall food" and not going there. I was fine. And I cannot even tell you how much better I already feel today. The bloat is disappearing and instead of a puffy bulge in my midsection, it is already getting slimmer with a bit of a 'tuck' under my ribcage which is nice... no more muffin top with the jeans.

Here's some interesting information from the physical therapist. When he did my initial evaluation and then again at another visit, he commented that my knees are slightly turned in. He said that even though I "no longer have a weight problem" (!!!!!!!!!!!!! I cannot believe someone said that to me!!!!!!!!) that I still stand like someone who is very heavy, because that is how my legs and knees got used to being. He said being obese affects the whole body, every system, including the skeletal and muscular system. As we gain weight we stand and move differently and it takes months for the body to readjust when the weight is lost, and even then sometimes we do not adjust without actually working on it (i.e. physical therapy). Thus people who lose a lot of weight may find themselves having pain in their joints, muscles, etc because their body is moving in a way that is no longer appropriate for their weight. He pointed out to me which of my muscles are weak and how I move in ways that used to compensate for my morbid obesity. For example, when I step one foot down and back up from a raised platform I turn my entire leg sideways before stepping down. He showed me the right way to step down and up, with my leg straight and I actually CANNOT do it. My muscles around the hips are not strong enough. As I work to strengthen those weak spots, and focus on *not* letting my knees turn in but keeping them pointing straight as I move, my body will readjust and I will be able to do more of the things I want to do.

Feeling great and looking forward to another successful day tomorrow!

Fresh Start

Well, here I am back on plan with Medifast. So far so good, and I aim to get these regained pounds off before January first and hopefully have "110 Pounds Gone" pictures posted by February. I am determined. I am also bracing myself for a sugar withdrawal headache today... will post an update of how I am doing later today. I have a *ton* of errands to run but will be taking my Medifast food with me along with a bottle of water. I think my little one may get to visit Santa today :)

If you haven't caught up with how I did last week, here's yesterday's post. Catch you later!

What Happened

It's been a very stressful but educational week here in Lynville, with too much indulgence and not enough restraint. If you've been following along, you know that after 9 months and -59 pounds on Medifast, and more than 3 years total working on this weight loss (reaching 103 pounds gone), I decided to take "a break." I was just SO tired of the same foods over and over, and was feeling like I wanted to get off the artificial sweeteners for a bit. "Two weeks," I thought. "I'll just count calories. I'll get to have the oatmeal, bread, Clementines, grapefruits, yogurt, pomegranates, and bananas I crave but stay in control." Medifast is low carb, so fruit and grains are off limits until they are added back in gradually at Transition (when you reach your goal weight). I figured a nice little 2-week break would be a relief. I'd at least maintain if not lose during those weeks. I had NO intention of indulging in crappy foods.

But wow, it did not go as planned. Here's what happened:

My energy level plummeted.
My weight skyrocketed.
The pain in my joints that I thought was left behind months ago returned with a vengeance.
My cravings for sugar and fat and salt went through the roof.
My actual "real" hunger level went wild.
My heartburn came back and woke me up in the night.
My sleep quality and quantity went way down.
My mood went south.
My skin broke out and became oily.
My desire to do ANYTHING dropped off the face of the earth.

Not exactly the result I was looking for. In fact, my entire quality of life went downhill this week. I wake up tired after tossing and turning all night. I get up with a headache and feel miserable trying to make choices about what to eat while bacon and sausage is calling my name. I am so exhausted that the kitchen is a wreck and the laundry is piling up. When I try to use the computer, my hands hurt from arthritis. When I try to do my physical therapy exercises, I can't even complete them because it hurts so bad. I whine and complain in my head and end up buying some "special treat" to soothe myself. I eat until I am full but am hungry again an hour later. I am taking pain medication that I have not had to take in months, and my bottle of Tums that was near full for almost a year has begun to get depleted because I am up taking them in the night. I get on the scale every morning and see it going up, up, up. Last Sunday I weighed 178, and today? 189! Not terribly uncommon for people jumping off a low carb plan into a pile of cookies, but boy am I feeling it. And I want it off, pronto.

Like I said Friday, this sucks!!! I do not want to complete this 'experiment.' It is pointless, it is hurting me and not helping me and it is NOT a break at all. It is torture. I cannot believe I used to live like this AND WORSE for not just a week, but months and years! Now that I've seen the happier, more productive, pain-free side of life, that is what I want. And that is what I am going to have.

What I learned:

It is not a good idea to jump off of ANY plan into chaos, but it is especially unpleasant to go from low carb to ice cream and cookies.
Medifast has a slow, gradual transition program in place for a reason, and I'd do best to follow it when the time comes.
I do not like the same foods I used to like. In fact I let myself have some of my FAVORITE sharp cheddar, which I have loved my entire life and used to eat 8 oz blocks in a binge sitting, and I no longer like it. I took a couple bites and thought, yuck, this is nasty! Wow... nice to know I can leave the cheese alone now.
If I want to have the energy to exercise, do PT, or do anything but sit, I can't eat crap.
If I want to stay pain-free, I have to lay off the sugar.
The trade-off in quality of life for a few brownies is NO LONGER WORTH IT. This might seem ridiculous, but it used to be worth it. That's why I kept choosing brownies over life for over a decade, staying morbidly obese... my life kinda sucked whether I ate them or not, so why not get the pleasure of eating them? But now, for the first time ever, my unsugared life is much more pleasant than some stupid brownie.
Starbucks isn't that good.
I need to keep my focus off of food obsession if I want to be able to deal with real life issues.
I really will have to change my eating forever if I want to enjoy my life. This is another one that might be like, "hello, you knew that." Yes, but there was this little voice in the back of my mind always telling me that MAYBE, just MAYBE once I lose all the weight I will be "cured" and I can eat moderate amounts of subs and ice cream and be okay. No. That is just not going to happen. I know that now in a way I never knew from just "believing" it. Now I have lived it.

I am going back on Medifast tomorrow and getting the rest of this weight off. I want my life back and while I *could* sit and formulate a plan, write out eating lists, count calories, try and figure out what will work for me, I am not willing to risk gaining one more pound so I can play around with different ways to lose weight. I know Medifast works for me, and I feel great on it. And this time, I am going to stick to it 100% like I did when I started it in March, and then I will do the transition off Medifast foods properly so I can actually SEE if adding one orange causes me a problem, or if I may have an issue with dairy or grains or starchy vegetables. I am ready to have this 11 pounds I gained this week GONE. No more messing around.



*FTC-required disclosure: Medifast provided me with its products for my personal use for free. I am not paid or compensated in any other way for mentioning their products. Medifast states an "average weight loss of up to 2 to 5 pounds a week."*

This Sucks!

Okay, this is *not* working out well at all for me, NOT! The sugar demon got a foot in the door and has wreaked havoc. Yes I am weak. Yes I still have food issues. And I am in so much pain right now it is unbelievable. I had been mostly off sugar for so long that I forgot the massive effects it has on my body. For those of you who don't know, sugar causes inflammation in the body. I suffered a great deal of arthritic pain before cutting back on sugar and losing weight, and then when I went low carb on Medifast the pain almost disappeared altogether. The last 2 days have been just horrid. I ate sugar, and suddenly I noticed my hands hurt... a LOT. It started getting painful to use a computer mouse. Then I felt myself starting to hobble a bit. And when I went to physical therapy today, I felt a HUGE difference: I was very tired and lacked the energy and positivity I've had at my other visits, and all of the exercises just HURT. It's crazy. They were fine before, and now, just touching my knee to the pad on the weight machine is very painful. And that's after taking 2 Aleve today, which I almost never take. The PT was concerned the exercises might be too much and causing the pain, but I told him I didn't think so... because my arms and neck and hands hurt, too, and I don't use them in the PT exercises. And my headaches are back.

This is just intolerable. I can't live like this. I am giving my protein bars to my teenagers, eating the rest of the fresh fruit and Greek yogurt I bought over the next couple of days, and then going back on Medifast. Because, although I didn't weigh today, I see big numbers looming in the not-so-distant future if I try to wait until January to get back on plan. And obviously, I am not doing so great on my own. I know that's because I skipped the Transition plan... it's my own doing... but honestly, this week has been a necessary part of the process for me. I finally *get* how affected I am by sugar. I get that I need to add foods in gradually and not all at once. I get that I need to be more careful about carbs, forever. And I get that whichever way I lose the rest of the weight, there will be good days and bad days and I honestly just have to focus and get it done.

I may be getting my puppy next month! I will need my energy and health for that. She will be my new workout partner. I can hardly wait to share puppy pictures with you guys! Any suggestions for a good, strong, not-too-girly name for a female German Shepherd?

Wishes

Sometimes I wish I didn't have to eat. Oh, I don't wish I *couldn't* eat. I have friends whose children cannot eat by mouth, and my own child has had some eating issues. What I wish is that I could just skate by, not eating unless I wanted to. I wish I could live on all shakes or something and never eat food unless I felt like it on some special occasion. But that wouldn't be healthy, physically or mentally. We need real food, that's just a fact. I admit there were times when I was on Medifast that I was sorely tempted to skip the "real food" portions and just drink shakes or eat the bars, but I never did it. For me it is difficult to think about food AT ALL some days. Having to go, "hmmm, should I have chicken breast, tuna, or eggs tonight? and what would go well with that... broccoli, salad, or cabbage?" seemed to get me started thinking about all the things I *really* wanted to eat but couldn't. Oh, I am grateful I have a choice. I am sure there are people out there who have nothing to eat but tuna. I lived on stale donuts from the food bank every morning for about three years, because we couldn't afford to BUY food for breakfast, so don't think I don't get that. But still, I sometimes wish I could just avoid eating altogether.

I think it would be simpler, and sort of nice, to just take a Food Supplement every few hours, never get hungry, and be fully nourished. I have this very strong, love/hate relationship with food these days. I LOVE to eat, love the textures and tastes of everything from fudge to carrots. I enjoy salmon. I love zucchini. I bask in the wonderful feeling of well-being when I eat a beautiful, jewel-red pomegranate (they are IN SEASON right now, people, do not miss them! See my post from last year: Pomegranates for Health. And if you want a totally fantastic pomegranate recipe, check this out. See? I love food.) But I hate food too. It nags me, annoys me, bothers me, interrupts my thoughts. It distracts me and seems to pull at me all the time. I hate having to plan and think about it and wonder about it. I wish I could just drink shakes and ignore everything else.

But I can't do that, it just wouldn't be healthy at all. I understand medically supervised liquid diets in extreme circumstances for the super-morbidly obese if that is what their doctor recommends, but not for the rest of us. Our bodies need actual food going through the digestive tract, and we need the nutrients found in vegetables that you can't get anywhere else. So even when I am on Medifast, I face the same dilemma: almonds or celery for a snack? What shall I make for dinner? And while I love to cook, I'd rather just stay out of the kitchen when I am trying to lose weight. Granted, Medifast makes it easier because I don't have to think about breakfast or lunch or any food other than dinner and a snack. It does free up my mind from food obsession A LOT. And this week I have really missed that. I have had to focus on my eating much more than usual, and as a result I don't have the time or energy do deal with "other stuff." But I am working on it.

So, in an effort to make my eating as mindless as possible (well, I mean, when I eat the food I will be mindful of it, but the actual *choosing a food to eat* process can be mindless), I am planning out my menu for tomorrow, tonight. I am sitting here making a list of what I *will* eat. I've done this in the past, years ago. I like the structure but I always rebelled because the inner brat wants what she wants, and why should she have to eat a banana instead of an apple JUST BECAUSE it says so in the meal plan? ::tantrum::

Anyway, what was meant to be a break is turning into just the opposite... a lot of effort. But I am learning, so that's good. I also am religiously doing my physical therapy exercises every day and have another appointment tomorrow. And hey, maybe I better get started on the Christmas shopping for my five kids!?!

Hang in there guys. We will get there.

Still a Struggle

This whole "free eating" thing is actually a bit scary. I guess I wanted to have a couple of weeks relaxing and not thinking about weight loss and staying on plan. I sort of wanted to eat some stuff I haven't eaten in nine months. I wanted to "control myself" while indulging in some goodies like split pea soup with sourdough bread, a bowl of cereal with milk, and fresh fruit. What I didn't count on was that my brain would start to revert back to its former brattiness and start demanding things like candy bars, cake, hot dogs, and potato chips.

Without strict parameters of WHAT to eat and HOW MUCH to eat, I go overboard. I start thinking about all the possibilities and drooling over the idea of going to the mall and getting pizza and a cheese steak sandwich. I have begun to obsess about food... something that I thought was almost completely gone from my life. I see some random "new flavor" of candy, ice cream, chips, anything... and I think "omg I have to have it NOW before I start being really strict again." I have to constantly fight myself not to eat during every waking minute. In fact yesterday I was driving in my car to an appointment and was a half hour early, and for JUST A SECOND I considered going to ARBY's for a roast beef, cheese fries and a Coke. Yes I actually thought about it but almost immediately thought, "blech, I have been off fast food for over a year and I do NOT want to go back now!" The thought of sitting in the car dipping curly fries in plasticy orange sauce actually made me nauseous, as did the image I have ingrained into my psyche of big black flies zooming around a chunk of cooked roast beef under a heat lamp waiting to be sliced. No, I am not *that* far gone.

I bought ice cream the other day, which I already mentioned, but when I realized what a big problem it was (I was ready to eat the entire QUART myself) I gave it to my teens. I was in the 7-11 getting a drink yesterday and while I was tempted to get a soda, I ended up with an unsweetened, plain iced tea. But I am not always successful. When I opened a bag from a local deli with some chicken soup inside, I pulled out the two little miniature chocolate chip cookies they'd included as a surprise bonus, and I ate them. When I went to the grocery store hungry the other day, I picked up a roast beef sandwich (on a white roll) at the deli and a large bag of chips. I sat down to eat them (in the car, running errands, another reversion to a bad habit), finished 3/4 of the sandwich and then ate about 5 chips, realized what I was doing, got out of the car and put the whole bag of chips in the trash. Wasteful? Maybe. But less wasteful than putting it in my body.

It sucks trying to "be both things": a thin woman who is losing weight and knows how to eat right, and a fat woman who wants to indulge in everything all at once. And that's what I've been doing this past week, kind of dancing on the edge, eating some things I shouldn't without going *completely* off the deep end. Counting calories for half the day and then stopping because I know I will be over. Trying to maintain the illusion of healthy eating (the illusion TO MYSELF) by eating a spinach salad and chicken breast, while knowing that after the kids are in bed I am going to eat 4 ounces of cheese and a bowl of crackers. It just doesn't mesh. I guess I can't do it. I think I wanted to try. I sort of miss the "old days" of eating all the yummy junk I could stand... but I do not miss the old body and the old misery. Can't have it both ways.

So the scale is up an astronomical amount in just a few days (186) and it perplexes me a bit. I think, "gee, if I actually started BINGEING I would be over 200 in no time flat." It is scary. In the past I gained 40 pounds in 3 months once, and 80 pounds in less than a year. And I assure you that weight was very real. I do not want to go there. In fact I have no clothes that will fit me if I gain 5 more pounds, so the brakes are on. I have to knock it off. In fact I have to knock it off forever if I want to be healthy.

I got a comment or two over the last few days berating Medifast for "not teaching me anything." I have to say, I have learned *so much* on Medifast... so much about myself, my eating, my needs, even my emotions. If you've read my blog for the past 9 months you know what I mean. It also taught me HOW to eat correctly and that I can be very satisfied with dinners I cooked while on that program, no grains needed. I learned how to eat in a restaurant and be satisfied. It's been a huge blessing in my life. That said, I understand how people want to point fingers at the program because "see, you went off Medifast and are struggling." Well, of course. That isn't the plan's fault. The key point is that I WENT OFF. I did not follow Medifast's guidelines. I knew I was doing that and I chose, and am choosing, to do it anyway for my own sanity. Nine months I have done Medifast, and I decided to take a breather. Of course I will struggle trying to figrue things out my own way. I am okay with that... it is part of the journey. Not part of what Medifast recommends, but part of what I decided I need at this time. Medifast HAS a very detailed transition program to go from Medifast foods to all regular foods, adding in fruits and dairy and grains on a schedule. That plan works. It does teach people how to eat at maintenance. Just like Weight Watchers or any other good solid program *works* if you follow it. When someone ignores the guidelines and starts eating cookies, you really cannot blame the plan. I own my behavior. And this experience has shown me many things, one of which is that I do need and want to go through Medifast transition to get back to healthy eating in a more organized, less "free-for-all" manner.

In the meantime, I'm counting calories and cutting the crap because I am at my limit for weight gain right now.

Breakfast was yerba mate tea and a smoothie made from plain, nonfat Greek yogurt, fresh mango, pomegranate arils, ice, and fish oil.
Snack was a protein bar and a cup of coffee.
485 calories so far.

I am off to volunteer in my daughter's classroom, and then I plan to try and figure out how to do some of my new physical therapy exercises on my weight machine. I am missing a part (ankle strap/cable) so I need to either find it or order another one. I also want to start biking at least 15 minutes each evening. The PT says to start very slow to lower risk of injury. I hope to work up to quite a bit more.

Moving Right Along...

As I have counted calories the past couple of days, there's been a pattern. I do great up until early afternoon, and then I start eating stuff I hadn't planned on... a cracker here, a slice of cheese there, maybe a banana. And then in the evening I hit my limit (1600 calories) and dive off headfirst into some junky item like the ice cream yesterday, and get up around 2000 calories. That is not going to work for weight loss... or maybe not even for maintenance.

Today I have not counted calories. I am trying to focus on two things: eating healthy foods in reasonable amounts, and getting my exercises done. It's harder than it sounds. Even after 3+ years of blogging this weight loss effort, it still isn't easy. Oh, it's easier than it used to be, for sure. Plus I have the added bonus of already being at a reasonable weight, which is a reward in and of itself and a great motivator. Let's face it: at 280 pounds when you work hard and lose 30 pounds and then are still morbidly obese, it sucks. "I am doing all this work and I am still very obese." That was always very hard for me and probably contributed to all those times I quit trying and regained all the weight. But now, I think "Gee, I like my body pretty well. The effort really paid off. I don't want to screw that up now!"

Today's food:
7am: yerba mate tea
8am: nonfat Greek yogurt with a big scoop of pomegranate arils mixed in
10am: Egg Beaters scrambled with spinach and Morningstar Farms soy sausage, with a slice of light cheese in a Carb Balance tortilla, which, yes, has sucralose in it which annoys me to no end and I am not buying them again
11:30am: cup of coffee with 1 T half & half and 1 tsp agave nectar, slice of high protein whole grain toast with butter

Still carby. I dunno, I think I will just keep playing around with different combinations and see what works. Maybe the carbs in the morning are what have been making me cravey in the evening. I have a lot of great ideas from you guys for my breakfasts (in the comments of this post, check it out!), which I am going to start using when I get to the grocery store in the next day or two. Thank you!

I plan to have a protein bar in an hour or so, probably some more plain tea as well. For dinner I am having some chicken enchilada soup (minus the tortillas). It's probably higher in fat than I'd like (someone else made it) but I used to eat it once in awhile before when I was losing the majority of my weight. I will steam some broccoli or Brussels sprouts to have with it.

Without strict parameters it is harder for me to control myself with food. There is always something I "want." I just have to want better health for myself more.

Mindset

Today was good, with a bit of crazy thrown in. I think most days are like that...

Good: Ate on plan for breakfast, snack, lunch, and *close* to plan for dinner (had a bit of mashed potatoes with my grass fed beef and salad). Went to physical therapy and worked my butt off. Got some cleaning and laundry done and ran errands. Feeling pretty good!

Not-so-good: ice cream. Yes I did. But I did not eat "junk" ice cream... I specifically went out to a shop I like and got the exact flavor I wanted, and ate too much of it. Man was it good...

Anyway, onward and hopefully downward (scale-wise).

I figured something out this evening, after I ate the ice cream and while I was looking over my new physical therapy exercise papers. I was thinking about how I feel like a different person depending on where I am and what I am doing. Let me give an example.

In the physical therapy office, doing those exercises on the weight machines, I feel strong. I feel "like a normal person" who is working on rehabilitating some messed up knees. I am happy and confident and proud of myself as I work. I smile when I tell the therapist that I lost a hundred pounds. I am focused on me, on my recovery, on getting as strong as I can so I can do the things I want to do, live the life I was meant to live. I am absolutely determined to do my very best. I feel open and excited and very much centered on taking care of ME.

When I am eating way too much ice cream, putting that spoon from bowl to mouth over and over and over, I feel absorbed in the ice cream. Nothing really exists except me and that taste... the coldness in my mouth, the creamy sensations, the flavor, the feeling of sugar coursing through my veins and the sensation of my stomach getting fuller and fuller. It is all about ME. It is the most self-centered, in fact selfish, place I can go.

But wait, what's the difference? In the first scene I am focused on ME. In the second scene I am focused on ME. Are they not both self centered? Well, yes, but in very different ways.

I am convinced that the first mindset is the healthy mindset. It is a new place for me: a place where I truly *want* to take care of myself. I want the best for myself. I think I deserve it and I am caring for myself by doing things like exercising, eating healthy, taking walks, relaxing, and going to bed earlier to get enough sleep. It bleeds over into things like better attention to dental care, taking the time to do little things like shave my legs (even in winter) and being sure to take my supplements.

In contrast, that second mindset, which, by the way, is the mindset I had lived in for over a decade, is an unhealthy one. I want the best ICE CREAM for myself. I think I deserve it and I am "caring' for myself by indulging every whim to whatever degree I desire. And it bleeds over into things like reading or watching TV instead of exercising because I "feel like it" or staying up late to "have fun" instead of getting the rest I need.

So you see the two mindsets? I see them. I never saw them so clearly before. I always thought these were two facets of myself that needed to somehow mesh. Now I see that they are two different LIFESTYLES that truly cannot coexist. I either take care of myself or I don't. I either respect myself or I don't. There is not "taking care" or "self respect" when I am eating a bowl of brownie batter. There just isn't. Sure, there is room for some ice cream in my life sometimes. Ice cream isn't bad in and of itself. But not here, not now, not in those quantities and certainly not in that exclusive, addict-getting-a-high, spoiled brat mindset.

The good news is that I think the healthy mindset is mine a good 85% of the time, if not more. I am surprised, actually, that I have changed so much that I now *want* to take proper care of myself and do what is truly best for me. I feel like a different person when I am in that mindset.. different from the person who became morbidly obese in the first place: a person who was trying to escape reality with food and find the pleasure that was missing in her life in a box of donuts. I am new, I am reborn. I just need to now foster and encourage that new healthy mindset so that I am living it every day, always.

A Maze of Choices

Over the last 3 days of calorie counting and trying to find my way in a world of food, I have come to a few conclusions.

1. This is harder than I thought. I figured if I went back to eating healthy, whole foods and kept the calories down I'd drop weight AND be satisfied. Nix that. It has only been a few days, but so far the scale is going in the wrong direction AND I am not satisfied. (More on the satisfaction issue later). I bought some high protein, high fiber, whole grain, low cal bread and I think it affected me. Not sure WHAT is affecting me, actually, because I added back in too many things at once. But I am retaining a LOT of water, in fact, I am so bloated that my jeans are tight around the middle and I feel so icky. Today I have cut the grains back out to see if that helps. I am still eating fruit... a couple servings a day. I am out of agave nectar, don't have sugar in the house, but I had a cookie at a Christmas event yesterday and it was icky and made me feel sick, so I threw half away. This morning, I had Egg Beaters with a little low fat cheese for breakfast and got dizzy and nauseous. This is nothing new but I'd forgotten how, most of my life, if I do not have at least *some* carbs for breakfast I get nauseous. I guess it is a blood sugar issue? So I had a Clementine, but still felt ill but I waited til 10 o'clock and had a Greek yogurt. Then I felt fine. Anyway my point is, it is confusing to try and figure out *how* I want to eat... I have cut out artificial sweeteners, and now grains, but not sure what else I am doing. Need to eat more veggies, that's for sure.

2. I am never satisfied. I seem to always want what I cannot have. Human nature perhaps? Grass is always greener syndrome? While I was on Medifast all I wanted was a banana or an apple. Now that I am allowing myself a wide variety of foods, I find myself wanting ice cream and cake. And let me tell you, I know *for a fact* that if I went to the store and bought ice cream and cake, I'd want candy and cookies instead. When I was drinking my coffee with Splenda-infused creamer, all I could think of was a Starbucks latte. Now I have actually TOLD myself, that IF I truly want a latte I can have one if I fit it into my calories, I don't even want one. Not at all. Guess what I want? A Medifast Hot Cocoa @@.

So, what I am learning is to just enjoy whatever it is I am having in this day, in this moment. When I reach for a Clementine and my brain says "wahhhh, I want a candy bar!" I shush that voice, focus on my orange and enjoy the sweet juiciness and aroma that is there for me to savor.

I do have a request, though. I am trying to find a couple of standard, go-to breakfasts I can eat that do not contain any artificial sweeteners. In the past, my go to breakfasts were oatmeal, or an egg/spinach burrito in a Carb Balance tortilla (which I discovered yesterday have sucralose in them! ugh! why??), or a piece of whole grain toast with natural peanut butter and a grapefruit. Since I am trying to cut out/back on grains, I need new ideas. Greek yogurt works, but what else do you eat for breakfast? I'd appreciate if you'd share your usual breakfasts with me in the comments.

It's a sunny, warm day (so far) which is very welcome after weeks of freezing dreariness, so my plan is to get out and take a walk at the park today after I take my daughter to school. I hope the sunshine holds on til then! It will be a special treat.

Time for a Change

Wow, what a week! I had my first physical therapy appointment, have done the exercises they gave me every day since, and stayed 100% on plan with my eating every day. Alas, the scale did not cooperate and give me a number I liked. In fact, I have eaten on plan 100% every day in December, but all this week the scale has been stuck between 177-178 pounds. Not a bad number, I admit! I like this weight. Just not enough to stay here forever.

So, on December 1, I weighed 181 pounds. Last Sunday, I was down to 177. As of yesterday, I was 178. In case you're new to the blog, I have been on Medifast since March and lost 59 pounds in that 9 months. Before that I was pretty much calorie counting, had lost 60+ pounds (down from 278) and then regained a bit, got stuck around 220 for over a year, at which time I started Medifast. Last month was the first month on Medifast that I *gained* weight, and this month has been a major stall. I admit last month's gain was because I was not following the program fully and was eating off-plan stuff way too often, but this month I have stuck with it. Anyway, the other day I woke up and this thought was in my head: I need a break from artificial sweeteners. I am all Splenda-ed out. I need an orange.

Medifast is great, really. I love it. But after nine months of eating out of packets, I need a break. My body is telling me this, and I am going to listen. My hope is that after a couple weeks of my own eating (NOT junk... healthy whole foods for the most part), I will either a) start losing weight again and continue to goal, or b) be ready to restart Medifast and get the rest of the weight off. I think I will end up back on Medifast to lose the rest of the weight though. It is just so much easier and more effective, for me, than trying to figure out every single meal.

Yesterday was day 1 of calorie counting. It was harder than I thought it would be to eat how I wanted to eat. Not hard emotionally, but hard to find foods that fit the nutritional profile I want: high in protein, low or reasonable in carbs, and low in calories. I figured if I kept the protein high, ate good carbs and avoided artificial sweeteners I'd be good. Do you know how hard it is to find a reasonable protein bar with no artificial sweeteners in it and high in protein?? It's crazy! And I *need* things I can keep in the car or carry with me when I am out for hours to stave off the hunger. Almonds work, but a bar is nice to have too. I actually *missed* the Medifast bars yesterday. I also bought some yummy fresh fruit and some Greek yogurt, which is higher in protein but again hard to find in a 100-ish calorie range with no artificial sweeteners. I did a lot of label reading. I decided to eat every 2-3 hours as usual but wow, I was hungry ALL DAY yesterday. No matter what I ate, I still felt "hungry." That's something else that I am not used to. I was really not hungry on Medifast except during hormonal times of the month.

Yesterday was:
7AM: tea w/ 1 tsp agave nectar and 1 T half & half
8AM: whole grain oatmeal with canned pumpkin, 1 T natural almond butter, and some Egg Beaters mixed in for protein (I made the portion *much* smaller than I used to eat before, and I could barely finish it! My stomach has really shrunk and I am satisfied with less. But I was hungry an hour later). Two Clementines which were the YUMMIEST thing I have tasted in a long, long time
One banana and some plain tea
10AM: half ounce of raw almonds
Noon: hard boiled egg, light string cheese, and a Clementine
3PM: NuGo Dark Chocolate protein bar (holy cow, these are SO good, and were the best I could find in the store: 10g protein, 190 cals, organic, and NO artificial sweeteners)
5PM: Strawberry nonfat Greek yogurt
6PM: 1 cup Amy's low sodium split pea soup with 2.5 oz lean smoked pork chop added
1 slice of high protein whole grain toast with butter
7PM: apple chips

At this point I hit 1600 calories and said, "ARGGGGGGGGHHH!!!"
Yeah, see, I am not used to being hungry and trying to figure all this stuff out. My protein looked good though. However by 8PM I was hungry again, ended up eating some cheese, 2 whole wheat crackers, another piece of toast (see a carb trend here?) and then baked some "healthy recipe" brownies I'd wanted to try (excuse) made with coconut oil and agave nectar. I made a small 8 by 8 pan, they were a hit with the kids, but I ate a few too. And I did not log those calories because I didn't feel like adding up the recipe etc. I am betting I was near 2000 for the day.

So I was disappointed that it wasn't easier, but it was nice to have the freedom to eat some different things and take a little break from packets. I will continue this (minus the brownies!) for two weeks or so. The scale says 181 this morning, which I do not like but understand. When going from very low carb to moderate carbs, a body will retain water. It also will drop that water back off if you revert to low carb again (thus the huge initial weight loss the first week people go low carb). I am going to trust the process and see what happens over the next couple of weeks. At the very least I will learn something :)

*FTC-required disclosure: Medifast provided me with its products for my personal use for free. I am not paid or compensated in any other way for mentioning their products. Medifast states an "average weight loss of up to 2 to 5 pounds a week."*

Oh no!!

Today I was out visiting a friend when I noticed this hard lump on my hand, right on the outside of the knuckle where my index finger connects to my hand. OMG, I thought, what the heck did I do to myself? After checking it out to find it was not tender or sore in any way and was, in fact, quite hard, I was shocked to find a matching bump of the same size on my other hand!! Perplexed, I called my daughter over and felt her hand. Hey, she had them too! Only smaller. Still puzzled, I asked my teen son to see his hand, felt around a bit, then showed him my bump. "Look at this!" I said, "Is this normal??" He felt the bump and looked at me, unimpressed. "Mom, that's your finger."

Um, yeah. I guess that BONE was covered in fat for so long that I forgot it was there. I had pudgy hands and sausage fingers for over a decade. I have noticed my hands getting much slimmer, but this is kinda funny. I am finding parts of me I didn't know I had!

Struggle

Today is difficult. I have been sooo busy all day that I barely had time to eat, but I just grabbed quick meals every 2-3 hours and kept going. I got a lot done but I am HUNGRY. Not stomach hungry... brain hungry. Cravings. Hormonal. Wanting to eat eat eat. I just had my dinner early (spaghetti squash with tomato sauce, lean meatballs and turkey sausage) at 4:30 instead of 6 because I wanted to eat sooo badly, and I am still not satisfied.

Part of it is where I am in my cycle, and part of it is that I have been 100% on plan with my eating all month and the scale is not giving me what I want. I am STILL stuck at 178 pounds... have been for most of the week... even though I am eating right. I think this is partly why people flip out and go off plan:

"I am doing everything right and eating this stupid pot of kale instead of a bowl of ice cream and I am STILL not losing any weight! Screw it, I want the ice cream!"

But I am not going there. And in fact I like kale...

I know the scale will drop when my body is ready. I'll just keep on. I am exhausted, but about to leave to take my daughter to dance. And then when I get back I will do my PT exercises and take a long, hot bath.

New Job

Today I spent an hour and a half at the physical therapist. It was awesome!

A bit of background:

Arthritis runs in the family. My Mom, who was obese, was walking with a cane in her early 50's, and my doctor had told me a few years ago that the way I was going I'd "have her beat" and would need total knee replacements at a pretty young age. Of course, when he told me this, I weighed 278 pounds. I was totally out of shape and could barely hobble out the door to the mailbox and back. I could not go up and down the stairs of my home unless I HAD to, and then it was agony. I was in pain all day long. I remember how sad I was that there was a park 2 blocks from my house but there was no way I could walk there with my daughter. I had to drive if I went at all.

The orthopedic surgeon had a CAT scan (I think... or an MRI) done which stated:

Severe degenerative arthritis with very little cartilage left
Bone spurs in both knees
Torn meniscus in left knee

Nice. Anyway, I started losing weight shortly thereafter, started taking joint supplements, worked my way up to walks to the park and beyond, and started using a recumbent exercise bike. But I have never been able to go beyond a 2 mile walk without ending up sore in the joints for days or weeks; same for the bike... 30 minutes seemed to be my limit. This has been frustrating. My daily pain is almost gone unless I injure myself, but I really want to increase my activity. Thus, the PT visits.

I am so happy with my physical therapist! He did a thorough interview and also checked my knees by manipulation for any other issues. He did strength tests and balance tests and a complete evaluation of where I am. He found some weakness not only in the knee area but in my hips as well.

After the evaluation, they had me warm up on a recumbent bike for 5 minutes which was a breeze. Then I was led through five different exercises for knee and hip strength, and given a sheet with directions to do those exercises at home. Afterwards, I was hooked up to an "e-stim" machine (electrical stimulation) which is supposed to increase blood flow and promote healing in the knees. I was hooked up for 15 minutes and it was kind of relaxing and enjoyable!

So, now I have a new JOB to do: get those knees (and hips) to their strongest point. The PT thinks my goals are achievable (longer walks, say, 5 miles, and longer biking sessions as well as skating) if I follow through with the exercises regularly. My new JOB is to do the little exercise routine every day (twice a day is even better): bike gently 5 minutes, then do 1-2 sets of 10 reps of each exercise I was given. I am totally, 100% committed to doing this. I want the best quality of life I can get, and I am willing to work for it! I am excited to see how far I can go with this.

As an aside, the PT was thoroughly impressed at my commitment level and weight loss. I got the feeling he deals with a lot of people who want to show up and "be fixed" but are not willing to work for it. I am so ready!

Life is only going to get better from here. I am excited... and on the way home from PT, guess what? A big rainbow in the sky with its end right in front of me. Awesome. I am full of new hope and I am dreaming of all the new things I will be able to do.

Therapy Today

I am seriously overwhelmed with *stuff* I am supposed to be doing and have put off for weeks/months. Some of it is time sensitive and has got to be done ASAP but my head is swirling with everything and once again, I feel almost paralyzed with indecision! Where to begin? What's most important? Can I get it done? (And I apologize for the emails I have not responded to yet. I read them all and LOVE getting emails, but sometimes I have to put off answering for a rainy day).

The good thing is that I am eating on plan and feeling emotionally good (although stressed) today, so I am about to start tackling things one at a time. If I feel I cannot decide what to do next, I am going to close my eyes and point to a random thing on my list and do that.

Scale is still not budging, but I know it will eventually if I keep at it. It was 177 a few days ago, and has been 178 for 2 or 3 days now for no apparent reason (except hormones).

Today I am going for my first physical therapy appointment with a new therapist at a new place, for my knees. I am very excited, nervous, and hopeful. I really would love to be able to be more active. Right now I can walk 2 miles, or bike 15-20 minutes indoors, or skate slowly at a rink. That's about it. Hoping the PT will help me strengthen and ramp it up, but my knees are in terrible shape so I dunno what's possible. I will update though! The appointment is an hour and a half long. Wish me luck!

Summary

I have been on plan all month so far and doing fine. The scale hasn't budged in the last few days, probably hormonal, but I am waiting for that next big DROP that will put me at a new low, under 175.

Here's a little glimpse of what I eat in a typical day. Today:

7AM: green tea, plain
8AM: French Toast made from a Medifast banana shake packet with a little bit of sugar free maple syrup (I'll put the recipe and pics up on my Medifast recipe page later)
10AM: mocha, made from a Medifast Hot Cocoa packet and coffee
Noon: bowl of Medifast chili
3PM: Eggnog made from Medifast vanilla pudding
6PM: large "cheeseburger salad" made from Romaine, baby spinach, cucumbers, dill pickles, 5 oz lean grass fed local beef, 1 slice of low fat cheese, and a squirt of yellow mustard & low carb ketchup, tossed. Very yummy and filling!
Dessert: 1.5 T organic extra virgin coconut oil mixed with a little cocoa and Splenda, then chilled until firm. Tastes like a chocolate bar. This is *not* part of Medifast but something I am experimenting with myself.
I also had a nice big mug of yerba mate tea
At 8PM I will have a bowl of Medifast chocolate pudding.

I drank lots of water, and today it got SUNNY and for the first time in a month I went outside and walked for 30 minutes. It felt wonderful even in very cold temps.

Other dinners this week included homemade pasta sauce from roasted tomatoes from our garden (frozen) over spaghetti squash with Italian turkey sausage & lean meatballs and a spinach salad; another night was an egg over easy with 2 Morningstar Farms sausage patties and a big pile of crispy baked kale chips (homemade); yet another night I had tuna salad over a big green salad with cucumbers & honey Dijon dressing and a string cheese. I am always quite satisfied with my dinners, and am rarely hungry during the day. Eating every 2-3 hours has its benefits.

Hoping for that new low sometime over the next week.

Alternate Reality

Once again, watching the Biggest Loser threw me emotionally for a loop. Within the first half hour I was sobbing on the couch because of the feelings the show brought out in me.

They showed the final four, who have all lost a lot of weight, 80-120ish pounds. Several months ago when each person began their weight loss journey, they videotaped a message to their "skinny self." So now that they have lost the weight, they watched themselves, morbidly obese, talking to them now in the video... a message from the past, into the future.

And when those very obese people were saying things like "keep going, I am so proud of you, keep working at it so you do not go back to *this*," I suddenly for a moment *became* 278 pounds again, right here, right now, and I actually had the most intense and real feelings and thoughts:

I don't want to be like this anymore. I am SO TIRED of being like this. I want a new life. I want to change my life. I want to lose this weight... oh I want it *so badly.*

And I cried, and held my head in my hands, because suddenly I was 278 pounds again, watching this show, wishing it was me, hurting so badly that it wasn't. And it was like movie frames in my head, flashing back and forth from "I am morbidly obese and I am so tired of it" to "I lost the weight, I did it, I can't believe it." And it felt so overwhelming and confusing, because, for me, it was not just *remembering* how it felt to be there... it was BEING THERE AGAIN. The thoughts were in the *present.* They were about the body I have *now.*

I don't know if anyone can understand this. But suddenly, now, it is clearer to me why sometimes I look in the mirror and see the same huge fat body I had before, while other times I look and am shocked to see a "normal sized" person. About how some moments I feel like a complete and utter weight-loss failure, because I am still *the same,* while in other moments I am on top of the world with my own success. My brain actually creates some kind of momentary, alternate reality for me sometimes where I AM 278 pounds again. And THAT is when it gets easy to behave as if I were still 278 pounds, and eat hot dogs and buy pints of ice cream and eat them all in one sitting, even though I can't, because it makes me sick and I have to stop after 1/10th the volume that I used to eat. And that snaps me back to reality.

I still have some healing to do, but watching this show and crying those tears has started that process anew.