Last Weigh In of the Month

I posted a couple times over the weekend: an animated shrinking me and a yummy Halloween recipe (in case you missed them... not many people seem to read blogs on Saturdays, but I post anyway!) But now it's time for my last weigh in of October and a little report on that party I went to.

This morning I weighed in at 175 pounds. That's 2 pounds gone this week. I am pleased with that! I was on plan all week but barely got in any walking. It's been rainy, plus I was not feeling well for 3 days. I stuck to my eating plan really well and that is a victory.

We were invited to a party the other day, and while I personally am not much of a party-goer, my little girl was very excited to go. The invitation said there's be a dinner and we could bring something if we wanted to. Great! My plan was deviled eggs and a raw veggie plate. I could eat that for my dinner and be just fine. However, I felt so icky for a couple days prior that I wasn't even sure I was going. And then on the last day, I felt better but didn't get to the store in time. My lack of good planning meant I was totally unsure what food would be at this party. So I was wondering: should I eat before I go? Maybe they will have something I can eat. I ended up deciding to bring a Medifast bar in my purse and hope for the best.

When we arrived I was met with the smells of so much yummy food, and a large spread on 2 tables: pizzas, chips, dips, nachos, crackers, pigs in blankets, sausages baked in dough, cookies, pies, and pastries. I saw nothing I could eat. In the past I have done the "eat all the toppings and cheese off the pizza but leave the crust" low carb thing, but I did not want to draw attention to myself so I skipped the pizza. After an hour or so of just water (alcohol was being served) I found a quiet spot and ate my Medifast bar. I figured I'd eat real food when I got home. But after another 2 hours I was hungry again. It was getting late. Then I saw that a latecomer had brought some smoked salmon, ricotta spread, and crackers. I took about 2 oz of salmon and a scoop of ricotta on my plate and ate it with a fork. SO good! Thank goodness for that salmon. We got home before 9 and I whipped up some chicken tenderloins and broccoli on the stove.

One cool thing that happened before the party was this: I needed a costume. I have not worn a Halloween costume in as long as I can remember. I couldn't think of anything. I looked around and found a witches' hat in my daughter's dress-up box, and it fit me. Then I dug around in my kids' Halloween box and found a black, sleeved robe type thing with jagged edges. I figured that could pass for 'witch' so I tried it on (even though it was a child/young teen sized costume) and IT FIT! I was shocked. Even my arms fit fine. I took it off and looked at the tag and it said, "size 12/14." Wow, very cool. So I wore that.

Life is good. Happy Halloween!

*FTC-required disclosure: Medifast provided me with its products for my personal use for free. I am not paid or compensated in any other way for mentioning their products. Medifast states an "average weight loss of up to 2 to 5 pounds a week."*

A Halloween Recipe

I am feeling lots better! I think my body fought off the flu or whatever it was that tried to bring me down.

Are you enjoying this holiday weekend? Having a bit of candy or special Halloween treats? Or avoiding them altogether?

Halloween used to be a huge binge festival for me. Hey, give me an excuse to buy BAGS and BAGS of teeny little innocent candy bars, and I will do it! I'd start buying them in September and somehow I'd end up having to run out the day before Halloween to buy more anyway. And of course I HAD to buy the "special" brown-and-orange bakery cupcakes and cookies (because, you know, they taste so different from the regular ones) and I HAD to buy the Halloween Oreos too.

I don't do that now. In fact, I haven't bought any Halloween candy at all yet. Yes, I will hand out candy to trick or treaters tomorrow (and I don't mind at all if you decide to hand out apples or granola bars or pencils!) but I doubt I'll eat any of it. I say "doubt" because I know nothing is 100% for me. What I mean is, I am still an addict. I know I could slip up. I have a lot of confidence, but not OVERconfidence. I am a little nervous about a couple of parties we are invited to today and tomorrow. I have no idea what is being served (they are both dinner parties) and while I might bring a salad or veggies of some sort to one, I don't have that option at the other. I have been on plan every single day in October, and staying on plan has gotten easier and easier. However, if I end up eating something "triggering" at one of these parties, I know myself well enough to know it may take me a day or two to reign it in. Not giving myself an excuse, here. But I know how I am. And I think it would be best to just avoid eating off plan, however, if there is lasagna being served, it is likely I will eat at least a small portion. And because it is PMS time right now, I know I may struggle. Anyway, it's life. I'll get through it.

In the meantime, here's one of my old favorite recipes that I used to make for our family dinner on Halloween night. Someone gave me this recipe when I was a young mother cooking for a bunch of little boys. The kids all loved it; it's festive and delicious and pretty good for you, too! Since I am eating low carb, this is not on my plan right now but I will certainly make it again someday. There is nothing cuter than a Jack-O-Lantern full of food in the center of the kitchen table! Hope you enjoy it!

Jack-O-Lantern Dinner

Take a medium sized pumpkin, wash it, cut the top off as if you were making a Jack-O-Lantern and remove all the seeds and strings. Save the top/stem.

In a frying pan, brown 1.5 pounds of extra lean ground beef with one small chopped onion (You may also use ground turkey). If there is extra fat, drain it off. Season with black pepper, garlic powder, and onion powder to taste. I like a little dried parsley in there as well.

Add one can of Healthy Request (or reduced fat) Cream of Mushroom soup (you can use cream of chicken if you prefer), 2 Tbsp soy sauce, and 2 Tbsp brown sugar. Heat through for about 5 minutes.

Add 1.5 cups of cooked rice (we always used white, but brown rice is obviously healthier. My kids prefer a mix of half white, half brown) and one small can of sliced water chestnuts (drained).

Put the mixture inside the cute pumpkin and put the lid on a little crooked (so there is a bit of space to vent). Draw a Jack-O-Lantern face on the outside of the pumpkin with a black marker. Put the filled pumpkin on a cookie sheet and put it in the oven so the pumpkin is approximately centered (you may have to lower your oven rack to do this). Bake at 350 degrees for 1 hour or until the pumpkin is tender when poked with a fork.

Set it on the table with the lid on (cute!) but let it cool for 10 minutes or so. To serve, use a large metal spoon and dish out the insides. Be sure to scoop/scrape out the pumpkin flesh as well because it is delicious and very good for you! Tastes excellent with the meat/rice mixture.

To healthify this dish further (after using very lean meat and brown rice), you can add sauteed diced celery, peppers, chopped spinach, or any other veggies you like.

Happy Halloween!

Watch Me Shrink

Just a little fun thing I created with Fantamorph morphing software. Click play and watch me lose 100 pounds! (To see it larger, click the little box with 4 arrows in it. You can play it as many times as you want.)

Where To From Here? Goals Revisited

When I began this "just another try" weight loss journey, I had no idea it would 'stick.' I mean, I always tried. I always gave it my 'best' effort for a day, two days, a week, even 3 or 4 months. But then I'd give in and the world would cave in around me and I'd be buried up to my neck in Little Debbie cakes and pizzas. I wasn't sure what was wrong with me, or why some people were able to just "do it" and lose their weight but I couldn't. I'd watch other people and think, "Why can't I do that? What is it going to take?" But I didn't have the answer.

So I'd embark on some new journey, be it calorie counting or South Beach or Atkins or the cayenne-pepper-maple-syrup-lemonade diet. I'd do it for awhile, then "go off" and regain all the weight. Why? That was the big question. Why why why? Am I doomed to failure? Am I just not committed/motivated/smart enough? Is there something in my genetics making me stay fat? And I'd just eat and binge and be sad for a few months before trying again.

When I started this blog in 2007, it was on a whim. I had taken those "before" pictures while I was on vacation and too big to enjoy any activities with my children. I really, really wanted my life to change. So I went to the Farmer's Market, bought a ton of vegetables and fruits, came home and started blogging. In my heart I knew I was capable of losing *some* weight. Thirty pounds maybe. But I was scared beyond that. I'd never lost much more than that. I was tired of feeling like a failure and didn't really see the point of all the "dieting" effort when I always regained the weight. Even though I often did the whole popular "lifestyle change" thing including seeing a dietician, it wasn't really working. Even after 3 or 4 months eating healthy I still just wanted Big Macs and candy bars. Wasn't sure if that was fixable.

So when I started posting on a weight loss message board I had to pick a goal weight for myself. I chose 168 pounds for two main reasons: 1) it was the smallest I could imagine myself EVER being as an adult, and 2) it was a nice even 110 pounds to lose. One hundred and ten pounds seemed absolutely impossible and overwhelming, but I figured I could dream big. I didn't think I'd actually ever get there. Back in 1996 I had joined a gym and was counting calories and got myself down to somewhere in the low 170's. My lowest recorded weight in the past 15 years is 174.5 in November 1996. I was over 200 pounds before that.

Anyway, now I have lost 102 pounds. I am only 8 pounds away from that original goal weight. I know it will happen... it is not just a dream anymore. So is that my goal, then? 168?

Actually, it's not. I want to get to a normal BMI, which will be at 160 pounds. And after that, I want to lose a little more, and then see how I feel and how much fat is still hanging on my body. I love my curves and don't want to be SKINNY, but I also have a medical need to get more weight off my knees to continue postponing knee replacements. I am only 41... I still feel way too young to be going through that kind of surgery (although I would, no doubt, be having surgery NOW had I not lost this weight). It's not so much about looks anymore... not that it ever WAS my primary focus, but yes, I wanted to LOOK like an average sized person and not draw attention to myself as "the fat one" when I walk into a room. I always hated being the biggest person in a room, which I often was. Not anymore. I am very pleased with how I look (in clothes) and am not concerned anymore about my appearance. I know I look fine! But my knees need more relief, and in fact I believe that losing another 20 or so pounds will also lower my risk of heart disease and cancer.

I have other goals besides weight loss, of course. I want to be fit and strong. I have slacked a LOT on the exercise this year, but I did that in order to truly FOCUS on my eating and my emotions about food. For me this is working. It takes a lot of reflection, in my case, to change my MIND. I will work on aerobic conditioning and building muscle later. Not a lot later... but not right this minute. I still walk and will add in some biking but I just do not feel ready yet for a big fitness routine. I think I have enough on my plate, so I will go at the pace that will lead me to long term success.

Now, in retrospect, why was this "just another try" weight loss journey successful? After so, so many attempts to lose weight, what makes this time different? What happened that made it stick? What can I pass on to you who are EXACTLY where I was back then, feeling hopeless, wondering what is wrong with you, desperate and wanting to give it one more try but just not sure it will stick? I did learn one thing. One thing that truly made ALL the difference in not regaining all the weight. Here it is.

NEVER GIVE UP.

That, my friends, is THE KEY. It is not WHAT you do, or HOW you do it, or even HOW YOU FEEL about it. It is the one important thing. Never give up. Do not quit. You might lose 10 pounds and then "go off" and start bingeing and hating yourself and wondering why you "failed." Stop! You didn't fail. Not until you let weeks go by without trying again. You might go off and eat crap for a week. Hey, it's not ideal, but SO WHAT? You cannot change the past. You can change the future. Start immediately, get right back on plan, whether it be calorie counting or low carb or Medifast or clean eating or Lean Cuisines. I don't care what you do as long as it isn't causing you more harm than your obesity is. Ask your doctor. Do whatever you feel like doing and get the weight off. Mine came off in small chunks. Look at my Weight By Month list in the left sidebar. It took a long time. See the months where I gained 8, 9, 11 pounds? See the 20 months where I went up and down and didn't have a net loss at all? I never gave up. Yes I binged, and then I got right back to work and took the weight back off. THAT is the key. Accept that you will mess up. Forgive yourself, do NOT allow yourself one more day to "eat whatever you want" and just get right back on plan. Change plans midstream. Try something new. There was absolutely nothing new about THIS TIME for me, except that I refused to give up. Three years and counting. Not what I hoped for in the beginning... but BETTER than I hoped for. True change. I believe it is permanent change. It takes time. Accept that, and do not let a day go by without trying again.

I have no magic insights but I do know that at any moment on this journey I could have quit for months and been right back up near 300 pounds. It was just a breath away... a bite away. And reaching your goal is a breath away too. One bite away. Put the bite down the garbage disposal and grab onto your chance.

Not Feeling So Hot...

I actually had a post in my head that I was going to write this morning, but time got away from me and now I am in a little bit of a brain fog so that post might have to wait. Just a few hours ago, I got hit by the PMS monster with a side of nausea. I went to work in my daughter's classroom for a few hours, and by the time I got home I knew something else was going on. Lots of kids from her class (and their parents) are sick right now... something is going around. I have not been sick since I started Medifast in the spring but today I feel suddenly like my body is fighting something off. I am not sick YET, but I have this sudden wave of exhaustion and fog brain going on. I feel like I could go to sleep for the whole day *right now.* One of my friends has the flu so I hope it's not that.

Anyway, I am sipping Bergamot tea and waiting until it's time to pickup my daughter, and then I'll be simmering some fresh kale on the stove in chicken broth with garlic and onions. I think that will make me feel better. If my brain perks up I'll come back and try to say something intelligent :)

They Didn't See

Second post today...

Yesterday my son asked me to take him out for driving practice. It's gotten cold, so I reached in the closet and grabbed my warm winter coat. Now, this is a coat with a history. Back when I weighed 240-245 pounds, I was having a tough time with clothing. I had almost no money to spare, so I was walking around in a coat too small that gaped open in the front (or no coat at all). A kind friend saw my dilemma and knew my circumstances, and she ever so nicely came over one day with one of her "old" coats. "I have too many coats," she said, "and I thought maybe you might like this one! It is a good color for you!" I gratefully took the coat, which was in nearly new condition, and stayed warm that winter.

Not too many years went by before I was in the 260's and 270's. The coat was barely closing anymore. It has a zipper in the front and I was barely, just barely able to zip it up. If I sat down I had to unzip it. But it was all I had.

The first year I started blogging, I dropped a good amount of weight. At about 235 pounds, I bought myself a new winter coat. It's built for being out in the wind: puffy, with a fur hood. But last night, I didn't see that coat in the closet. I saw the old zippered one. Being in a hurry, I grabbed it and put it on.

It was truly astounding. This coat that was so tight I could not sit down with it zippered now hung on me EVERYWHERE. It is so large that I could fit any one of my children in it *with me,* including either of my two sons who are over 6 feet tall and one who weighs more than I do! It was gaping like a parachute when I zipped it. I showed two of my sons. "That's weird," said the 18 year old. I said, "Yeah, I have lost some weight." He continued, "Nah, coats just do that. It's the material. I can buy a sweater that fits me just right, and after a few months they stretch out and get baggy like that." I smiled.

We went for our drive, and when we came home I decided to see if he *really* didn't know I'd lost weight. I pulled up some of those "before" pictures on my laptop... the ones from 2006-7 when I weighed 278 pounds. "Look at this," I said, calling him over. He bent down, looked, and said, "Whaaaaaaaaaaat?????" The he said, "Noooo!" He looked at me, and the pictures, and back again. At this point another son came to look. "What happened??" he said. "I lost a hundred pounds," I said. "Nuh uh!" said my boy. "How come I never remember you looking any different?" "Because you are my sweet boy, and you just saw your MOM."

So true. All this time I was worried about them being so embarrassed by me and hating having the Fat Mom. All this time I thought that when I'd mention my size and they'd say "Mom, you're not that big" that they were trying to spare my feelings. But I think they just never really paid attention to my size. They were just happy to have a Mom to who loved them and did everything she could for them.

And that makes me VERY happy.

This is The Life

When I was in junior high school, the big thing to do on a Friday night was to go skating at the Roller Rink. I didn't have a lot of friends, but the few I had always skated on Fridays. It was a joyous day when I could get my parents to take me, too, and drop me off for that few hours of freedom. We'd all skate around with "Another One Bites the Dust" and other popular rock music blasting, disco lights spinning around in the darkness, and pool tables beckoning us to play for a quarter. When I got older, we had cars. One of the older kids would pick us all up and take us to the Roller Rink to skate for a couple of hours, and then we'd "cruise the circuit." My hometown had long stretches of one way streets up Main and down Second Street, so we'd drive around and around the circuit with Whitesnake or Bon Jovi blaring out the windows. I had my first experience holding the hand of a boy in the backseat of a car while cruising the circuit. And I got my first offer to "go out in the back seat in the parking lot" at the Roller Rink (which I turned down). I skated with boys, sometimes, during the "couples" skates, and my heart raced and fluttered as we went around the floor. I wasn't allowed to go to school dances, so this, to me, was my dancing. I was not allowed to date, so this was the closest I could get to a boy.

I guess the Roller Rink got uncool when my hometown issued an ordinance banning "cruising the circuit" and put cops out to count how many times you passed them, passing out tickets if they saw you three times in one night. We were getting too old and mature to *just* go skating, so without the cruising afterwards, we found other things to do, like football games. But I never forgot the rush of skating around that rink like I was flying. I *loved* to skate.

Sometime around 1996 or 97, I decided I missed roller skating and I wanted to take it back up again as a form of exercise. I bought a pair of roller blades at Walmart, brought them home, and put them on. But there was a problem. They had these plastic strap things that went around the lower calf and ankle to close them. The buckles were hard and snapped tight. But my legs were too thick. I was determined, though, so I stretched my legs as thin as I could and compressed the fat as much as possible, snapping the buckle shut. I pinched my skin and bled, but I tried again. I wanted to skate, and I was going to lose weight anyway, so I would MAKE them fit! I did get them on. I did go outside on the sidewalk and skate about 12 feet in near crippling pain from my legs being squashed and suffocated, the circulation cut off and having zero flexibility in my legs. I came inside, took them off, and set them aside.

And I got bigger.

It's been a dream of mine for well over a year that "when I lose this weight" I will roller skate again. I have dreamed of putting roller blades on my feet and skating for miles and miles. I imagine the freedom and joy. I want it. In fact, last October it was a HUGE motivating factor in getting myself back on plan to lose more weight. I still want it, and I still dream of it.

This week my daughter was invited to a roller skating party at the roller rink. She is only 5 and has never been skating before. Oh, I've been there before with my boys, sitting and watching them skate around. But this week, I took my daughter. I strapped those skates onto her feet. And then I strapped skates onto mine.

It was joyous. It was amazing, skating around the floor with the colored lights dancing and music playing. It took me right back to being a kid again, but it was even better now because I was holding the hand of my own little blond-haired girl, her laughter echoing over the music and her eyes shining with absolute happiness. We skated together, we skated apart. I went around and around, faster than I have travelled in ages, and I did not once feel like "the big girl" or "the clumsy one" or at all out of place. I had a wonderful time and I didn't even fall once :)

After a couple hours of skating we came home, exhausted in a very good way. And you can bet that this is far from the last time I will skate with her. And once I get some knee pads, I'll be out on the sidewalk with those roller blades, too!

THIS is the life I wanted. THIS is what I worked for. Not so much for the pounds, or the smaller clothes, or the sexier body, although all of that is nice too. But THIS, this is living and this is what makes the whole journey so very well worth the effort.

It's Real

I admit it. I left my 100 Pounds Gone Pictures post up all day Monday without a new post because I loved seeing them there on the front of my blog. I didn't want to post and move them down the line into the past... even though I did link them in the sidebar. I cannot express how very happy and proud I am of those pictures, but let me try to explain.

I have had a hard time with body image forEVER, and looking at pictures has, frankly, been painful. When I was morbidly obese I thought I looked okay most of the time, and then I'd see some random photograph and be absolutely horrified. That could NOT be me. I am NOT that big! Am I? And so I'd eat to forget, pretend I was smaller, look away from my reflection in windows, try not to let anyone take a picture of me.

As I lost weight, I decided to take progress pictures. I have them all linked on the left sidebar of this blog. I started with 30 Pounds Gone pictures and yes, even I saw the obvious difference there, but I was still kind of appalled at how large I looked. Every ten pounds since I have taken photos and measurements and posted them on my blog as a way to track my progress, but every ten pounds I have looked at those pictures, so upset and disappointed that I "didn't look any different." As my dear friend Karen could tell you, I sent her my pictures every time before I would post them. I'd say "omg, I do not look ANY DIFFERENT!! I still look JUST AS FAT!" and I would lament and cry and whine and sometimes even retake the pictures in different clothing to see if I could looked any better. Every ten pounds, Karen said to me, "You DO look thinner! You HAVE changed. You have to trust me on this. You do not see yourself as you are. You look great!" And because I know she wouldn't lie to me, I just had to force myself to believe her and post them on my blog. I always wondered if someone would come and comment, "You don't look any different. I don't see how you can claim you've lost 40-50-60 pounds. Your body looks the same." But no one ever did.

So as I posted pictures every ten pounds, I got feedback. LOTS of feedback in the form of comments and emails telling me how GREAT I look, how much slimmer my waist or arms or hips were, and cheering me on. I was always kind of stunned by it, but I figured all these people couldn't be fibbing for my ego's sake. Every time I posted more pictures, I'd have to keep going back to my blog and staring at the pictures. I mean, it's been almost obsessive... every time I sat down at the computer, I'd go to my page and look at my pictures. Because it didn't seem real. Because sometimes I'd look and could SEE what other people were seeing. I'd sit and compare the pictures to older ones and every so often I'd get a glimpse that hey, I was getting smaller. I was looking better. The measurements going down and the clothing sizes shrinking were confirmation that is was not just an optical illusion.

But I still felt fat. My brain still held the image of me at 278 or 245 or even 220 pounds when I thought of myself. Not less.

When I stood on the scale this weekend and saw 178 pounds, I was so excited. I cleared all the stuff out of the way in my room so I could take those pictures. I took measurements. I put on those size 10 jeans and a top and I looked in the mirror.

I gasped. I spun around. I looked at every angle. How on EARTH did that happen? I actually look GOOD, I thought. I look amazing!!! I was just so thrilled at what I saw. In fact, I have not weighed 178 since 14 years ago when I was 27 years old! I barely remember it but I actually think I look better now, at 41, than I did at 27. Maybe it's attitude, or confidence, or just being more aware and happy. But regardless, when I stood there and snapped those pictures this weekend from all angles, I felt on top of the world.

And then, I set the camera aside. I didn't look at the pictures. I went about my day.

"Send me the pictures!" Karen said. "I am waiting on pins and needles here!" But I didn't send them. I didn't even take them off my camera for hours.

I was afraid the pictures would show me how I REALLY look. I did not want to lose that feeling I had of pride and happiness when I looked in the mirror. I was scared to download the pictures and see that it was all just a mirror trick and I actually still look obese. I was afraid I would cry because I don't look any different.

Finally I just took the leap and downloaded them. As I started looking at them on my computer, I noticed something.

The pictures look EXACTLY as I looked in the mirror... EXACTLY how I am imagining myself in my mind!

The pictures on the computer MATCH the pictures in my brain!!

Do you know how big this is? If you've ever suffered from body dysmorphic disorder you know.

And so I posted them, I read every comment, and I loaded the page several times on Sunday and Monday, staring at myself in the pictures and accepting that yes, that is me. I did this. I look good. And for the first time in MY LIFE, I actually not only accept but LIKE how I look.

I turned a corner. I finally do not feel like a fat chick faking it that she lost a bunch of weight. It is not fake, or temporary. It is real, and it is my body and my life. I cannot tell you how exciting this is to me. If you had shown me those pictures three years ago when I started this blog, I would have probably fallen over from a heart attack in shock. But now it's real. I am so happy.

Scale says: 176.

Update Pictures: 100 Pounds Gone!

Yes!!! Here they are, update pictures taken yesterday morning, at 178 pounds:

I am amazed, thrilled, overjoyed, and even stunned when I look at myself in the mirror in these size ten jeans. I keep wondering if I am dreaming!

I took my measurements, too. In just the last ten pounds, I have lost in the strangest places:

3/4" off my neck
1/4" off each wrist
1/2" off each calf
1/2" off my waist
3/4" off my hips
3/4" off each upper arm (yes!!!! Finally!!)
1 1/2" off my bust (I am in a B cup for the first time in 20 years! Always wore C or D before. And yes I am glad about this!)
1 1/4" off each thigh

My BMI has also gone down from 30.3 (Obese) ten pounds ago to 28.7 (Overweight) now! (I am 5'6).

Very pleased. Very, very pleased.

I could also tell you that my calves are now the same size my neck was when I weighed 278 pounds, and that I have lost 14.75" off my hips since I started this journey. I could share that my waist is 10" smaller now and my thighs each lost 6 3/4" over the last 100 pounds. I might tell you how my jeans went from a size 26/28 to a 10, and my tops went from 3X and 4X to a Medium.

But instead, I'll show you.

Now:

Cute pockets, huh? :)

I am so proud of this. I finally, FINALLY actually feel good about my body.

But, you ask, will she give a head-to-toe, full body shot, including her head?

Will she show her face?

Almost :)



Weekly Update

Just my little weekly update before I post those 100 Pounds Gone Pictures (yes today!)

Last Sunday I weighed in at 180 pounds. Today, I weigh 177. That's a loss of 3 pounds this week! I am happy with that.

This week I stayed on plan. I walked a mile on three days (rain and appointments interfered on the other days). I still haven't started biking in the evenings, nor have I started weight training even though my exercise room is now set up. I need to get a plan, but right now I am spending my focus and energy on eating correctly and NOT bingeing! It can be a challenge some days towards the end of the month, but not as bad as it used to be. I might have a short round of food obsession for a few hours once in awhile, but usually I get over it. Actually, the other day when I wrote about how I felt so driven to EAT and was trying very hard to stay on plan so I could hit that 100 pound mark, I decided to try one of my old tricks. I used to do this often when I was counting calories: go to bed at night and deliberately dream of FOOD. I'd lie down, close my eyes, and imagine in the most vivid possible way the experience of eating any food I'd been craving... everything I want. I have an *excellent* food memory, down to every nuance of texture, flavor, and scent, so this is very vivid for me. I only do it at bedtime so I do not drive myself nuts and go actually EAT the stuff I am imagining. Anyway, I went to bed and I decided I would fantasize about going to the mall and eating every food I wanted. I love this dream because I start by walking through the mall in my mind and I go to every food place I want to, eat as much as I want to, and it is all FREE and I never get too full. I fall asleep and usually continue the vivid dreaming and wake up with the cravings much weaker. So the other night I was imagining walking through the mall and eating pizza when I noticed that in my imagination, I was morbidly obese! I looked down and had my old body, down to the white tee shirt with black sleeves and food stains on the front! I thought, "no, this isn't right! I want to be THIN and doing this." I tried to imagine myself in my current body, bingeing on pizza and cinnabons and cheese steaks, and I couldn't. I could NOT. I had to imagine myself in the old binge body to do the mall binge. Because the new me and the old behaviors do not mesh. In fact, I couldn't even finish my fantasy because I didn't WANT to imagine being back in that body. What fun is that?? So I thought about something else instead.

Wow, huh? Maybe things really *have* changed. While I do think about eating a bunch of junk sometimes, and even crave it, I don't think I could do it anymore. Not to *that* extent. Not in this body.

That was a bit of a tangent. Let's see, I was talking about my past week. Yes. I ate on plan. We had two dinners out: Outback last Sunday, which I already recounted, and then last night we went out for a birthday dinner at Red Robin.

"Yikes!" you say. "You just lost a hundred pounds and you go to RED ROBIN, home of the double bacon cheeseburger and bottomless steak fries?? Are you NUTS?" Well, maybe!

Here's what I had:

Water to drink.
Chicken Caprese Sandwich (grilled chicken breast, sliced fresh mozzarella, sliced fresh tomatoes, Romaine, and Basil pesto) served "lettuce wrapped" instead of on a bun, and a side salad with extra cucumber, minus the croutons.

I dumped my lettuce wrapped sandwich into the dish over the side salad and cut it up and tossed it so that the pesto was the "dressing." It was SO good, very yummy and not at all "diety". Very filling. I had saved my "optional snack" allowance for dinner as well which allowed me to fit this food into my Medifast meal plan. Here's the stats for that entire meal:

460 calories
48 g protein
26 g fat
13 g carbs
4 g fiber
611 mg sodium

Just for kicks, wanna compare to my *past* favorite order at this place? Just a plain ol' Whiskey River BBQ burger with ONE side of fries w/Ranch for dipping and ONE Coke has:

1972 calories, 56 g protein, 116 g fat (!!!!), 173 g carbs (!!!!!!!), 9 g fiber, and 2701 mg sodium.

WOW! And yes, in all honesty I almost always had 2-3 Cokes (free refills there) and a second plate of fries (free refills on fries, too). And yes, I sometimes had dessert.

And this is not killing ones' self??

Anyway, the meal I had was great. I think the key to eating out is to look up the menus (and nutrition facts, if available) ahead of time and steer clear of carby stuff like buns, pasta, and white rice as well as sugar and extreme fat (deep fried anything, cheese, butter, dressings, etc).

Okay, I will get those pictures up shortly :)


*FTC-required disclosure: Medifast provided me with its products for my personal use for free. I am not paid or compensated in any other way for mentioning their products. Medifast states an "average weight loss of up to 2 to 5 pounds a week." Use coupon code LYNESC50 for $50 off an order of $275 or more.*

I Did It!!! I've Lost 100 Pounds!

Yes!!! Today is the day! This morning the scale showed a nice solid 178 pounds... which means I am officially at

ONE HUNDRED POUNDS GONE FOREVER!!

I am as happy as can be! All this work has paid off! I am just over the moon about this!

I really cannot fathom that I used to live everyday and function with a hundred extra pounds on my body. Thinking about carrying 100 pounds up and down stairs, to the car, into the grocery store, EVERYWHERE I went... well it is crystal clear to me now, in a way it never was before, WHY I was so exhausted all the time and hated to move. I feel so free now! Walking is easy. Shopping is easy. Playing with my kids is easy! Life is so much more fun!

Can you tell I am EXCITED???????????????????

I already took measurements (and am just stunned by them) which I will post along with new 100-Pounds-Gone pictures SOON. In the meantime check out my old 90-Pounds-Gone pictures so you are ready for the new ones!!

Yesterday I went shopping. My size 14 jeans are baggy, and when I dug out my 2 nice, zippered sweaters from last year and put one on, my daughter actually looked at me, giggled, and said "Mom! That's TOO BIG!" (Keep in mind she is only 5! She rarely notices my clothes.) So off I went to get a new sweater. Well, I was wandering through the Plus Size section out of habit when I saw some cute sweaters I liked. I started looking through them, but the smallest they had was marked 16/18. I actually considered buying it before realizing I have JUST given away all my size 16 clothes. I actually talked to myself a little in the store as I went over to the average sizes. I didn't find a sweater, but I saw this rack of jeans that caught my eye. They had cute, jeweled pockets and a good cut to them, but they looked almost too small and teenagery. But I liked them, a LOT. I wanted them. I have 2 pairs of 12's that fit just right, so I picked up a pair of jeans in a 12. In a flash of hopeful thinking, I put them back and took the 10's instead. Now, I have not even *owned* a pair of size 10 ANYTHING since I was, like 21 or something (vanity sizing was not in effect back then, so at 140 pounds I wore 8's and 10's). I brought them home. I tried them on just for something to work into, assuming I would not get these little jeans up past my thighs.

THEY FIT. They buttoned, and I can walk around and sit in them! Incredible! They look flat out TINY but guess what, I am taking my 100-Pounds-Gone pictures in them! Isn't that AWESOME?? Size ten!

I think I look fantastic in the mirror. I sure hope the pictures reflect that. I have a hard time with pictures... I always think they look bad. But no matter... I will be posting lots of pictures at some point this weekend!

Facing Reality and Changing Your Life

Well, okay. I am slightly annoyed. My body seems resistant to dropping that 100th pound. Looking at the dial scale this morning I'd say the pointer IS moving down a titch, ever so slowly, so I am slightly under 179 but not enough to even call it a half pound. Ah well, you know since I am staying on plan, it has to move SOMEtime! Maybe tomorrow? Yes... I bet it will be tomorrow. I will try and watch the sodium more closely today.

What do you think would happen if I stayed on plan, upped the exercise, and STILL stayed at 179 for another 2 weeks? What do you do when that happens? In the past, I used to give up. I'd think, "Heck, I am working so hard and missing out on all the yummy things I want to eat! I could have eaten anything I wanted and stayed within a couple pounds of this!" The effort would start to feel wasted and I'd end up at the buffet eating fried chicken strips dipped in Ranch and french fries covered in cheese sauce (yes, those were always favorites at the buffet). But although a buffet IS very tempting right now, I know my efforts are not wasted. I am building a healthier body, and eventually, weight loss will come with it... whether it's tomorrow or in two weeks. I am staying on plan regardless.

I was in a restaurant last week (Outback) and very close to me was a table where two men sat eating dinner. They came in after we did, and in fact were seated quite close and I was facing them. I don't generally pay much attention to other people's dining, but since it was right there in front of me and my little girl was busy coloring, I couldn't help but see and hear what was going on.

The two men looked to be in their mid 40's or so. One was of average size, and the other looked to weigh between 400-450 pounds. (I am a decent weight estimator of large men... I had a couple of very close friends who weighed 400-500 pounds at one point). The larger man was exclaiming about his diabetes, and how he needed to do something about it. When the Bloomin' Onion came, each man ate half, dipping the deep fried onion petals into the creamy sauce as they ate. "This is way better for me than french fries!" the man exclaimed. "Just a small plate of french fries has a whole lot of sugar. It's like eating donuts!" He continued eating the fried onion and sipping his soda. They started talking about weight, and the smaller man asked his friend about his overweight brother. "Oh yeah," said the larger man, "he is putting on some serious weight! He could wear some of MY clothes!" They laughed. Then got serious. "Hey, I know what I need to do. But it's hard. I have to make some changes. I gotta do something. But no one will take me seriously." He talked about his family and his doctors and how they were not helping him enough. He complained that they were doing NOTHING for his weight loss.

The waitress came, bringing the larger man a hefty plate which looked to be some kind of combo platter: deep fried shrimp, deep fried fish pieces, and french fries. The man went on about his weight and his diabetes, and how he can only drink one beer at a time now because it would spike his blood sugar, while he ate the contents of his platter, dipping everything in tartar sauce. He left half the fries on his plate and gestured at them, saying, "like donuts, I tell ya." Then he shoved the platter to the side and said, "save room for dessert!"

When the waitress came, she tried to reach around him and take the platter, but the edge must have been under part of his arm because as she lifted it, it caught and dumped all down his side. "Oh I am SO sorry!" she exclaimed, turning red and cleaning up the food. He tried to use his napkin to wipe the sauce that was spread from his armpit to his waist, but couldn't reach. So he held up his arm as the waitress cleaned him. "Desserts on the house!" she said. And with that, the men each ordered a slice of carrot cake.

I have long said I do not judge or look down or even feel pity for other people who *seem* to have a weight problem. It is not my business. But I take this kind of observation and I ponder it. Not directing these thoughts AT that man, who I am sure is a very nice man and is capable of making his own decisions about his life and health. I think about myself when I was suffering health issues because of my weight, and how I still went to the fair and ate deep fried zucchini dipped in Ranch, dripping it down the front of my shirt and not really caring what anyone else thought. At the time, I think the blatant disregard for my own health and the sense of not caring what others thought was a defense mechanism. I was in denial. I did not want to admit how big I was and that I was killing myself. Isn't that what it is when you are having heart irregularities yet pumping loads of fat and salt into your body? Isn't that what it is when you are suffering from diabetes yet eating slabs of cake? Isn't is a form of self harm.... self abuse? Even though I didn't think it was at the time, now, I think that's what I was doing. I remember sitting in my car with a 3pm "snack" of a supersized Big Mac meal before picking my kids up from school, and looking at that burger oozing with grease and salt and thick pink sauce dripping out of it, and thinking, "I wonder if eating this is going to kill me?" And I was serious. I felt unstable. My heart wasn't doing so great and I wondered... will this be the meal that puts me over the edge? But I'd still eat it.

At some point I guess we all have to snap to reality and take stock of what we are doing to ourselves... good or bad. We have to stop blaming everyone else for us not being able to eat properly. We have to take *ourselves* seriously for anyone else to take us seriously. And honestly, I don't think I got my brain to that point until *after* I had lost a significant amount of weight. It wasn't until I got rid of the heart issues, the acid reflux, the choking on my own vomit in the night... it wasn't until I *experienced* the other side of life that I fully understood what I had been doing to myself, and how close to death or disability I really was.

I am very, very thankful that something in me came to life and pushed me to get serious and lose the weight. Part of it was my children, part was fear of leaving a baby alone without a mother. Part was being tired of being sad, and part was just a silly experiment with eating more fruits and veggies and blogging about it. And if I am honest, I'll also admit that if I did not have the accountability of blogging, I probably would have given up a year ago and gained all the weight back. Knowing that people were reading... people who CARE, people who are watching to see if I can do it and then taking that personally to believe THEY can or cannot do it... that kept me going. I care about you people. I did not want to just disappear and stop blogging and have everyone wonder whatever became of me, and leave you all thinking "well she failed, I don't think there is any hope for me either." Knowing people are waiting to hear how I did kept me going. And I truly thank you all for that. I couldn't have done this without you.

You CAN change your life. Please believe it, and just keep trying. Get some support: a local support group, or family members, or some friends who will join you. Try making some supportive friends online in various free forums like 3fatchicks, or try blogging and building up a few friendships. I didn't start out with any readers. I had no one. I was blogging for ME. And somehow it turned into this wonderful thing.

Thank you! And cross your fingers for that scale to move for me tomorrow!

Tough Evening

It's getting late, and I am heading to bed soon before I eat something I'll regret. If you read my earlier post you know this is a tough time of month for me. It's crazy, because for 2 weeks I have no cravings really... no huge struggles. Food is what I eat, and I don't think much about bingeing anymore and I don't get triggered by much of anything. And now? Now, suddenly today, it is harder. And it is strange, because as I said, I have been baking and not been tempted. I have smelled my daughter's chocolate and been happy for the smell without wanting to eat it. At all. And now, I am having *very* specific cravings. Salt and carbs. NOT sweets. It's the usual "I want to eat a block of cheese right now" thing. And before I started this journey, I did, indeed, eat my share of cheese blocks. Yes, even 8 ounces at once sitting. I have a cheese issue...

I have also eaten salt poured into a little pile in my hands when I get like this. Crazy.

But I want it, I want that 100-pounds-gone mark SO BADLY. I want it more than I want the stuff that is dancing in my head all day. I want that so, so much that I am just NOT going to give in. And I mean, these are heavy duty cravings. I kept getting distracted and losing my train of thought when I was telling my daughter bedtime stories, because I kept thinking about cheese. And when I sang to her, I noticed my mouth was watering. Yeah, this has to be hormonal.

So, usually I have a nice sweet treat for my final mini-meal of the day... maybe a little piece of gingerbread made from a protein shake, or a Medifast brownie... but tonight, I was dying for salt and carbs. My kids had eaten nachos for dinner and the whole chip/cheese/salt thing was almost tormenting me in my head (which I didn't expect, since they had nachos a week or two ago and I didn't care one bit). My dinner was an Egg Beater omelet filled with gooey, yummy, low fat cheese... with a big side of broccoli. It was great, but not salty/carby enough. So after I put my daughter to bed, I made some crispy microwaved "chips" out of some Medifast cream of chicken soup. I sprinkled them with some Molly McButter Nacho Cheese powder and ate them with a tablespoon of low fat cream cheese. It was SO GOOD. I got the crunch. I got the *sensation* of carbs (even though they are low carb, they *seem* like a carby food. Mind trickery!) and I got the salt. Yes I even ate every bit of cheese powder off the plate with my finger. And then I felt better.

But it is harder than usual right now, so I am going to bed early and crossing my fingers for a good scale reading in the morning. I really, really want to see 178!

Being Aware

Something very strange has been going on, but it is so slight I wouldn't have noticed it if I were not paying very close attention to my body and emotions (a habit I have worked hard to develop). I *did* notice before and have mentioned how my female cycles play into my weight loss and cravings; I get very hungry and cravey for a few days at the end of my cycle (PMS) as well as in the very middle of my cycle when ovulation happens. I also have come to understand that the time when it is easiest to stay on plan is during the first 2 weeks of my cycle. I also have a weight loss pattern that is fairly predictable if I stay on plan: I always seem to drop several pounds the first week, then maybe a pound the second week, then several pounds the third week and hardly ever any weight loss the last week (even staying on plan). It's hormonal, has basis in science, and I am fine with that pattern. Since I weigh daily it is vital to understand WHY I may not drop any weight for a week even when I am doing everything right, and now that I know it WILL drop the next week, I can power through the brief stalls.

But just the other day, I noticed my mood shifted from "this is easy, I am 100% on plan, no problems and no temptations" to "ugh, I am doing this but wouldn't a burger be nice? Wouldn't some pizza be good? Maybe I can take a few days off. I want some french fries." Of course, I just ignored those thoughts and refused to dwell on them, but I wondered where they came from so suddenly. I wondered why, on the very cusp of hitting 100 pounds gone, I would start thinking about going off plan. Why? I don't think I have any hidden issues, mental or emotional, bothering me right now. I don't think this is a self sabotage kind of thing. I am pretty good at detecting that now. I am EXCITED to hit that 100 pounds mark (one pound away) and take new pictures and measurements! I can hardly wait. So what gives?

In order to figure out what was going on, I pulled up my trusty old weight graph that I have kept daily for over 3 years. And when I looked at it, something popped out at me visually and I had an aha moment. Here is my weight graph since spring. Notice anything interesting?

Do you see those upticks in weight... the little peaks that happen with a regular pattern? Well check it out... at the very end of every month, my weight shoots up and then drops back down again. You can see it clearly right before March 1. Then April 1 and May 1 has more of a *tiny* plateau or uptick, but after that, wow. Every month my weight shoots up right at the end. Why would that be?

I know why. Because my female cycles just happen to be very regular and the pattern you see is NOT so much about the calendar month, but about my cycle! That uptick happens during the end of the 3rd week/beginning of the 4th week of my cycle. And it happens not just because I don't lose weight that last week, but because I have a hard time holding it together emotionally AND easting-wise that week. I start wanting carbs... salt... sugar... fat. I feel driven to eat it. I also do not feel as "happy" during that week, and I end up having a bite of this, a little of that until it gets out of control and I eat off plan for a few days. THAT is the uptick. Interesting.

So I am heading into that time frame when I *feel* like eating junk and start feeling a little more melancholy and less perky and energetic. I am hitting the tough week right now. But, since I am aware now of what is going on, I think I can just power through it and accomplish my goal of having a 100% on plan month in October. When I want junk, I'll tell myself "listen, it's just a phase, you'll be fine, tough it out" because right now, eating pizza and cinnamon rolls is not going to help me get to my goal. I can make a cauliflower pizza instead.

I have a feeling, maybe tomorrow will be the day for 178. In the meantime, I added a Google custom search to the top of my blog. It lets you search Google for anything (recipes, food info, anything really), but *hopefully* it kind of tweaks your results a bit based on the kinds of things people who are reading this blog might be interested in. I am still playing around with it, so shoot me an email if you try it and like/dislike the results. I can edit it to be more useful anytime.

Off to make myself some breakfast! Enjoy your day... and *be aware* of yourself!

Size 14, Going, Going...

You know those size 14 jeans that I *just* dug out and started wearing a week or two ago?? The ones I posted about where I had to put a ton of clothes in the "too big" box? Well... this morning I got a comment:

"Those pants are looking really baggy on you."

And, in fact, they are. Now, I have to wash my 14's in hot water and dry them on high just so I can wear them for one day before they stretch out and hang off my rear and thighs. CRAZY! Just so surprising how quickly a body can change!

I also noticed that walking a mile at the fastest pace I can muster is not at all difficult. In fact there is very little exertion involved; I can walk super fast and not get out of breath or even notice a heart rate increase. Guess it's time to start doing a little harder workout!

That's all for tonight! Hoping to see 178 soon!

Stop and Smell the Chocolate!

Something big has changed over the past few months, and I only realized it this week. It's something I touched on a long time ago, when I started to notice that smelling freshly baked bread in the grocery store was no longer a trigger, but a pleasure. But I have taken the whole "smelling" thing to a new level!

I used to get triggered terribly by smelling *anything.* If it smelled good, I HAD to eat it. If I was driving down Main Street and smelled Burger King smoke, I'd want a burger so bad I could hardly stand it. Even if I didn't buy it and went home, I'd obsess about it until I'd give in and go back to Burger King. If I smelled cookies or bread or anything baking, I wanted to eat it and I would feel DRIVEN to eat it... all. In fact it got to the point, when I was trying to lose weight, that I was *scared* of smells. I'd go to the grocery store and if I smelled that bread baking, I'd run out of there as fast as I could so I wouldn't buy some and eat it. It drove me nuts. Every good smell was a trigger, just like the sight or even the mention of any yummy food.

I noticed awhile back that I now have the ability to be in the grocery store, smell the bread, and actually stop and savor that smell. Instead of "ohmygosh it's fresh bread smell, I must get out of here right now because I cannot handle it!", I think "mmmm, that smells so good. I really like that smell. I am enjoying this smell." I can stop and inhale deeply and savor the aroma instead of holding my breath trying to avoid it.

The last week or two I have started deliberately smelling foods that I am not going to eat. It started when my daughter brought home a Hershey's chocolate bar from her dance class. I do not give her much candy, but I will give her a square of chocolate once in awhile. So I needed to open the bar and break off a piece for her after dinner one night. I *love* chocolate. Love it. When I opened it, a teeny bit of chocolate smell came wafting over and it was SO GOOD that I held the bar to my nose and inhaled deeply. "MMmmmmm!" I said, "It smells so good! Here, smell it!" and my daughter took a whiff. We enjoyed the candy bar for a moment without even tasting it. Then I gave her her little square and wrapped the rest back up. Every day or two, when she asked for a square, I repeated the process, inhaling and savoring that lovely scent. "It's almost like having a bouquet of flowers!" I said to her. After awhile she thought I was pretty silly, always smelling her chocolate but never eating any. I was even sillier when I asked her if I could smell the piece of banana Laffy Taffy she got from a pumpkin festival! It smelled really good! And I have been smelling everything in the house, more and more, without tasting it. SMELLS are no longer a trigger for me (although I admit, if I was hungry I bet the smell of garlic bread might put me over the edge!)

This realization and practice has freed me up in so many ways. I am able to shop or go to people's houses when they are baking. I can burn candles that smell like vanilla frosting or apple pie without HAVING to make and eat them. I am able to bake again without flipping out. I have avoided baking for YEARS because it would trigger me. This morning I made pumpkin spice muffins for my children, which they enjoyed so much... and so did I, because it filled the house with the sweet aromas of cinnamon and pumpkin and yumminess. Not only do I *love* having my house smell like that, but I also enjoy going in the kitchen and smelling a muffin every so often. It is almost like eating one, believe it or not! I can tell how it would taste, and it gives me pleasure to smell them. But I am not triggered to eat them. Not sure how this happened, but a *lot* has changed in me. This is just one thing. But it's a big one!

If you can stand to smell a chocolate bar or a sugar cookie or a brownie without eating it, I think it is an excellent exercise in learning not to be afraid of food, and learning that you can actually enjoy smells and not HAVE to eat the food. You can smell all the intricate "tastes" of the ingredients, like vanilla, butter, and brown sugar. I do not feel *nearly* as deprived as I used to, because nothing is off limits. I can enjoy any food I want to... with my nose. It's very similar to tasting, really. But no calories. Love it.

Still 179 pounds this morning :)

Is This A Dream??

Oh my gosh, I can hardly contain myself. I weigh 179 pounds! How is that even possible?? Sure, I *know* how, but my head is reeling at that very low looking number. Funny how 179 seems so much smaller than 180!! I am just so absolutely excited I *had* to share right away!

I spent some time in the 180's; on August 4th I hit 189 for the first time. I got down to 188 before I promptly freaked out, went off plan, and regained a couple pounds. But within a week I had my head back on straight and was back in the 180's. It took me two and a half months... almost 11 weeks... to drop ten pounds and get to 179 today. But I stuck with it even through September when I didn't have any weight loss at all because I was off plan *so* often. I had some "inner work" to do before I quit sabotaging myself, and as of today, I feel absolutely, 100% happy, ready, and comfortable with losing more weight.

Of course, to get here I had to get back on plan *and stay there* without messing around. Once I got totally serious about dropping the weight the weight dropped. Since October 1, I have lost 7 pounds. How? By staying ON MY PLAN. Whatever plan you have chosen, you gotta stick with it. You have to not mess around to see weight loss. No excuses, no "oh I will have cake and ice cream just this once" *unless* that is part of YOUR PLAN (such as calorie counting). You have to make things fit or don't have them at all.

Earlier this week I went to Outback with a gift card I was given for my birthday a few months ago. Normally I'd say the salmon or some chicken is a good choice, but I was really craving a steak (not "head" craving, but "body" craving, if you know what I mean). And I was also craving two other things: a crunchy salad, and broccoli. I made it fit MY plan. I had a 6-ounce fillet, a side of steamed broccoli with no butter/oil/salt, and a salad with blue cheese crumbles, bacon crumbles, and cherry tomatoes. IT WAS FANTASTIC! (I am aware that blue cheese and bacon are *not* on the official Medifast food list. However, it is on MY PLAN because I have come to terms with including a few favorite things in condiment amounts that fit the overall, daily nutritional profile without making me go over on carbs. If I go slightly over on anything, it is protein or fat. Works for me!) After I ate that meal, my body was just singing. I felt *so good.* I was satisfied in every way, but not stuffed, tired, heavy-feeling, etc. I want to eat like this forever!

It seems like a dream, weighing 179. But an even bigger dream is coming soon. I am one pound away from having lost One Hundred Pounds! Just wow. Honestly, when I started this journey and even after I lost a lot of weight I *wanted* to get to 168 pounds but I did not *believe* I would. I did not believe I could get below, say, 210. And after I got past 210, I thought maybe 185 was possible. And now I see it. I really am going to get there! I am still amazed, even though I am the one doing it.

Might post again later. And... hopefully you'll be seeing 100 Pounds Gone pictures sometime this week!

Losing Weight and Dying

When I was a little girl, my mother had a very nice older friend named Betty. "Beppy," as we children affectionately called her, was a happy, sweet, 50-something woman with beautiful short, wavy, silvery-white hair. She had a lovely smile and piercing blue eyes and a beagle named Dolly. She and her husband had raised one beloved son who was tragically killed in a automobile accident, dying beside his fiance as they were returning home from a wedding shower. Beppy kept her son's room as it was when he died, and had all of his fascinating trinkets still on the shelves and desks as he left them. She turned her motherly love towards us children who shared her faith and religion and often was the go-to babysitter when our mothers had other tasks to attend. I have fond memories of going to Beppy's house and playing in the yard with Dolly or watching TV as she brought me a tray of cookies and snacks and chocolate milk. She always put ice cubes in my chocolate milk, something I'd never seen anywhere else. I still put ice cubes in my chocolate milk...

When I was a young teen... 13 or 14 I suppose... dear Beppy contracted cancer. I didn't know much about it except that back then, in the early 80's, the "cancer" word spread fear into everyone's bones. Cancer was death. Cure rates were not so good. And Beppy was no exception. Sadly, I watched her suffer. I watched her lose her shiny soft hair and begin to wither away right before my eyes. I'd go to see her, weak in her bed, and hold her hand as she tried to be brave. Her arms and fingers became boney, her face drawn and thin. Her previously healthy and slightly plump body decayed into something fearsome and skeletal. She was so frail before she died. I loved her so.

It touched me deeply, watching Beppy die. Within months, another more elderly friend also became sick. I watched him, too, turn from a fleshy sturdy man to a boney shadow of his former self. When I saw him last in the hospital, it frightened me to see him as just skin and bones. When he finally passed away, again I was heartbroken.

Somehow along the way, I began to associate thinness with death. It bothered me if I could see and feel my bones; I felt more mortal somehow. When I gained weight I felt sturdier... more solid and alive. I was bigger than life, in my own mind. I was quite a presence at 278 pounds. I could not see a bone anywhere... not a wrist bone, a jaw line, or a collarbone, and certainly not a hip or a rib. With all the negatives associated with being obese, the one positive for me was that I didn't feel like I was dying. I felt solid... unbreakable. I didn't feel frail, vulnerable, or fragile. HERE I AM, my body shouted. I AM LARGE. I AM HERE. I EXIST.

This has all come to the forefront of my mind lately as my hip bones, shoulder bones, and ribs began to emerge as the layers of fat have melted away. My subconscious started screaming about death and mortality and I have felt rather uncomfortable with that awareness bubbling up in my head. I *do* associate weight loss with death, but I have spent some time lately assuring myself with my rational mind that my body *needs* to be thinner to be healthy... that weight loss, in my case, is probably extending my life rather than shortening it. Seeing bones and feeling organs and looking in the mirror to see a thinner face does not mean that I am sick or dying. I am training my mind to see MY weight loss as health, not death. But had I not been aware of these issues in my mind, I may have found myself sitting in a pile of candy wrappers wondering what just happened and why I am sabotaging my weight loss. Being aware is key, at least for me.

I have some little trinkets Beppy gave me before she died: shells and stones her son collected, costume jewelry she used to wear. I remember her as she was before she got sick: bright and cheery and full of life. I honor her by remembering her this way... and by making the most of the life I have been given. I will lose the weight that hinders me and enjoy every day I've been given. Beppy would want it that way.

Morning Weigh In, After the Struggle

I had a hard time yesterday (and posted about it) and I want to say thank you to all of you who left kind supportive messages and ideas for me to help get me through it. I did get through, staying on plan and treating myself to Medifast brownies for both of my last mini meals. As much as I wanted the "comfort" of that automated hand-to-mouth type eating of huge portions that fill you up until you can eat no more, I knew I'd regret it in the end and it wouldn't do me any good. I knew that it would not alleviate my stress but only add to it, and would add a layer of sadness to an already bad day. I didn't need that. So I just told myself, "Self, you are just gonna have to learn to feel the feelings and not stuff them down with food. You're gonna have to learn not to fill your stomach and lean on sugar and fat coursing through your veins to get you through." I resigned myself to being on plan, and that is what I did.

Before someone says "but you ate brownies! How are you learning anything by eating brownies??" let me explain that Medifast brownies are a) teeny tiny and b) full of protein, fiber, and vitamins and *very* low carb. They are portion controlled so I got the experience of eating an appropriately small serving as a treat and not going nuts for more, and they are nutritious so they filled a bodily need. They also do not have that sugar/fat combo that *real* brownies have, which is what sets off the brain alarms and triggers me to eat the whole tray. I did not get any sugar rush or high from those "brownies" because they are actually just 110 calories of nutrition packaged to look and taste similar to what we know as a brownie. The 11 grams of protein is satisfying, the 4 grams of fiber is filling, and I was able to feel satisfied with that small treat for 3 hours. Will I have brownies in maintenance? Yeah, I probably will. But they'll be low sugar ones, full of nutrition. I already know how to make brownies out of beans or lentils. You can bet I will be working on recipes for that, and I will be able to be satisfied with just one small piece as I am now.

Sooo, what are my results this week? Looking over my log book, I stayed on plan every day 100%, with the exception of a little extra fat in the form of cream cheese made into a sugar free mini cheesecake on my son's birthday. I went out to breakfast at a restaurant once. I walked one mile every weekday plus about a half mile on the weekend. Results? I lost one pound this week, and currently weigh 180 pounds. I am happy with that, especially considering I dropped 4 pounds last week and 8 the week before that. That first week was partly in September though so my total pounds lost for October is 6 pounds so far. Not bad! And I expect to hit a new milestone this week... maybe *two* new milestones! Watch for new pictures coming soon :)

Enjoy your Sunday!

*FTC-required disclosure: Medifast provided me with its products for my personal use for free. Medifast states an "average weight loss of up to 2 to 5 pounds a week."*

Ugh

I am sorely, sorely tempted to go off plan today. I guess it is harder when I am so tired (see previous post) and stressed. I always used to comfort myself and self soothe with food. Carbs in particular. A great big frosted cinnamon bun is so appealing to me right now. I can almost close my eyes and feel the sugar and fat coursing through my veins and the endorphin high as a result. But I have not indulged. I have been on plan all month and don't want to screw up now. So close to a new decade of 179 and I just flat out won't let myself sabotage that. Tea in hand, I wait for my next on plan meal. It's hard, but not impossible.

A Little Update

I am wiped out exhausted and it's only 1pm!

I was up most of the night with my sick daughter. Then in the morning I was on the phone with nurses and the insurance company since the doctor's office is closed on the weekend and I needed the okay to take her to urgent care. Took her in, got the diagnosis (sinus infection again) and then went to the pharmacy for medications. Home now with an irritable, tired, cranky little girl. Poor little thing just needs snuggles!

I had an egg white omelet for breakfast filled with spinach, mushrooms, green onions, tomatoes, and light cheddar and a cup of coffee with Splenda and half & half. I have a headache from lack of sleep and the scale was back up a pound to 181 this morning which is slightly irritating since I have been on plan all week and walking daily, but I figure it's from stress and lack of sleep.

Have a great weekend and if it's sunny, get outside for a bit! It'll do you good.

Thin or Fat?

I used to think 180 pounds was excessively fat. Coming from my high school and college years weighing 140 pounds and thinking THAT was way too chubby, anything over 150 pounds seemed obese. My husband used to tease me that "when you marry a girl, look at her mother because that's what the girl will look like in 20 years." I was horrified and said I would NEVER look like my 240 pound, morbidly obese mother! When I surpassed 160 pounds after my second pregnancy, my insensitive father-in-law came for a visit and declared me a "fat ass" just weeks after I lost my baby. I believed him.

I used to think 180 pounds was impossibly thin. Coming from a decade of weighing between 245 and 280 pounds and feeling trapped in my body no matter what I did, anything under 230 pounds seemed almost skinny. When, at one rare point, I got down to 237 pounds doing the South Beach Diet, people came out of the woodwork to tell me how amazing I looked. After I gained back all that weight, no one said anything anymore. 237 seemed like a dream. Anything lower, a fantasy. And 180? Downright skinny.

Here I am, 180 pounds. Excessively fat, impossibly skinny. Am I either? No. Although some days, I feel both. I look at my belly and, in my mind, it is as huge as it ever was. My thighs seem to go on forever and my upper arms still hang like the ears of a Basset Hound. And I look in the mirror, and see this fabulously skinny woman with a waist and nice curves and space between her legs. The dichotomy is astounding. Fat and thin, both and neither.

Perspective is everything. From the underside of 180, that number may look huge, but coming down from above it seems small. I love what I have done for my body, and for the most part, I feel fit and thin and good. I can't wait to see how 168 feels!

Swinging

When I was morbidly obese, I used to take my kids to the playground. I'd sit on a bench and watch them play for hours. Sometimes we'd bring a picnic lunch of peanut butter sandwiches or Happy Meals and the kids would play all day. But I always dreaded the swings. Hated them. Why? Because my kids couldn't swing themselves. I had to get up from my bench, and, depending on the age of the child, I'd have to put them in the swing, give them at least a couple of pushes, and maybe I'd have to actually stand there pushing them. I really didn't like it because getting up hurt. Walking hurt. Standing hurt A LOT. It seemed like an awful lot of work to me to get up off my bench and push my child on the swing, so I tried not to do it often.

Today, I went to the park with my daughter. I always love it when she wants to swing. I am usually already on my feet anyway, and it is so fun pushing her higher and higher, watching her blonde hair shine and sway in the air, and hearing her contagious laughter. But the very best part these days is that I swing with her.

Yes, I actually get in a swing beside my daughter and I swing way up to the sky, my legs pumping and my feet reaching into the blue. I love the sensation of back and forth, back and forth as the wind catches my hair and my daughter and I laugh and swing together. Swinging today, it was the absolute essence of freedom. The black rubber seat did not pinch my thighs into numbness or cause me any pain or discomfort at all, the way it used to even 20 pounds ago. The cold grey metal chains did not break when I sat down, nor did they seem at all stressed by my swinging as I used to fear. It was just me and my girl, the bright yellow sun and the crisp fall air, and our laughter dancing across the playground. It was divine.

How long has it been for you? Have you been on a swing lately? It is an amazing feeling. In fact it is one of my favorite things now. I swing every chance I get. Can you picture it for yourself? Like going back to childhood, to innocence and not having a care in the world, you forget all your troubles and look to the sky in absolute joy.

It is so worth it.

Healthy Dinners in Minutes: Easy Pork Sirloin Curry and Chinese Chicken

People often say, "I don't have time to cook healthy! I am tired at the end of the day, and I don't want to slave in the kitchen for hours just to have a healthy meal." They might resort to such atrocities as Lean Cuisine (hey I have done it!) or fast food. But cooking healthy can be really fast and easy. All you have to do is have a few basics on hand and you can have a delicious meal in minutes!

I want to teach you how to make a yummy quick meal that you will really enjoy. You can make this meal from practically any meat, vegetables, and spices you have in the kitchen. The technique is the same, and the results can be as varied as your tastes! You can use chicken, lean beef, or lean pork for this recipe. Broccoli is by far, in my opinion, the best vegetable for this, but you can use cabbage, carrots, celery, peas, green beans, whatever. Try different things and play around with it. You can also vary the sauces.

So here's the basic technique, using pork sirloin and curry. I will give variations at the end!

For one serving:
Slice 6 ounces of raw pork sirloin roast into thin small pieces. This took me under 3 minutes.
While that is going on, heat a nonstick pan on medium high. Spray it with Pam, toss in the pork in a single layer, and season with onion powder, garlic powder (generous), and black pepper. Cook until browned, flipping once. This takes maybe 3 more minutes.
While it's browning, cut up 2 cups of broccoli.
Add some chicken broth to the pan... enough to cover the bottom of the pan about 1/4 inch deep. Doesn't need to be exact at all! Just pour some in there. Toss the broccoli on top, put a cover on the pan, lower the heat a little, and let it steam until tender. This takes about 5 minutes.
Get out 2 wedges of Laughing Cow Light cheese, original flavor, and toss them in the pan too. If you don't have any, use 2T light cream cheese instead. Sprinkle a good dose of curry powder into the pan. Stir and mash the cheese around into the broth, adding more broth if needed (this will make the sauce.) Just stir it around until the cheese melts into the broth and the broccoli is covered in rich yellow curry sauce.

That's it! Done! It looks like this:

It's very good. Filling and nutritious. You can easily substitute 7 oz of raw sliced chicken breast and follow the same recipe for chicken curry. You can use either chicken or pork to make a Chinese "stir fry" type dish also. The only difference is:

Follow all the steps up through cooking the broccoli, but do NOT add any cheese, Instead, add a few shakes of soy sauce, some ginger (fresh or powdered) and a little more garlic. Stir til coated (if you want a thicker sauce, add a half teaspoon of cornstarch to the broth). I had this version yesterday and it was excellent.

This dish takes under 15 minutes to prepare, easily. It is even faster if you have your broccoli already cut up (you can do this on the weekend for the whole week) or have your meat already sliced. You can make this with chicken or pork you had already cooked and you can use frozen vegetables too, although fresh is definitely better. You can make larger batches of this for your family and serve it over rice if you like (I use riced cauliflower instead... which is just grated cauliflower, steamed until tender like rice). It's a simple, easy, tasty way to get in enough protein and veggies for dinner without all the salt, fat, sodium and carbs that many meals include. Enjoy!

Fitting, and I Ate Cheesecake

I've noticed lately that I have this really unrealistic sense of how big (or small) I am. My body awareness is just not meshing with reality yet, just as it didn't when I was a size 26. I think I told the story before of how, several years ago, I was walking through a party store with a man I was dating and the aisles were quite narrow. I *thought* I could easily make it through a particular space, but instead, was horrified when my hip caught the edge of a glass shelf full of party favors and it came crashing down and shattered at my feet. I was horrified when everyone came rushing over to see what had happened. Yeah, it was just my hip... that's all. Sorry! I was totally shocked that I was wider than I thought I was. And I also used to accidentally bump parts of me into people, grocery carts, and end-of-the-aisle displays in stores because I did not have the body sense to know how far out my hips, arms, and legs really extended.

Now it is in reverse. I look at the space between my car and someone else's car who parked very close to mine and I think, there is NO WAY I can get into my car now! But I try... I open my car door just a few inches, I turn sideways, and I fit. I fit into some ridiculously small looking gap of space and I wonder how I did it. Same thing with the pants the other day. I look at the size of them and my brain tells me I absolutely will not fit into those pants, but I do. It is a surprise every single time. I guess eventually I'll get used to it.

Yesterday, I needed to go into the garage. My teen son was sitting in an office chair and was blocking my path because he was scooted all the way back, close to my exercise bike.

"Please scoot your chair up."
He looks at me. "Why?"
"Because I need to get by!"
He turns around, looks at the space between the chair and the bike and says, "Mom! There is plenty of room there!"
Annoyed, I say "No there isn't! Just scoot up already!"
He looks truly confused. Frustrated, I roll my eyes and proceed to SQUEEZE through the space to the garage. Only, I don't have to squeeze. There is plenty of room on both sides of me as I go through, with at least an inch to spare on either side. When I go back through, my son is laughing.
"Mom! Why did you think you wouldn't fit through that space?"
He is incredulous! Isn't it obvious I would fit? PLENTY of room! "Mom! You are not that big!"
He smiles, I laugh.
I look at the space and think, gee, that is crazy!
But let me tell you, it feels pretty good to fit.

The other day I mentioned that I made a birthday cake for my son: New York Cheesecake. That is *not* on plan for me, but I love, adore, pine for cheesecake. And boy is my cheesecake good! So, I decided to make myself a miniature, low carb, sugar free cheesecake to enjoy with everyone else. It turned out GREAT! Here is what I did:

In a bowl, mix:
2 oz. room temperature (soft) Philadelphia cream cheese (regular, not low fat)
1 Tbsp Egg Beaters
1/2 Tbsp half & half
few drops of vanilla extract
1 1/2 packets of Splenda

When this was perfectly smooth, I scraped it into a little glass custard cup and baked it in my toaster oven at 320 degrees (300 would work but mine has a 320 setting) for oh, about 20 minutes. It should look pretty much solid, not runny, but NOT very brown at all... maybe a little on the edges. Then turn off the toaster oven and leave it in there until the oven cools. It might crack, that is okay. Then take it out, cover and refrigerate. Chill several hours.

Boy, was that GOOD! I mean, wow. It was like real cheesecake. I even licked the spatula and bowl and the batter was amazing. It felt so good, because I had refrained from any licks or tastes when I made the big cheesecake and stared longingly at the batter as I washed the remnants down the drain. So having guilt-free licks AND a nice little dish of cheesecake with the family for my boy's birthday was just great!

How I fit it into my plan: 1 Tbsp cream cheese can be counted as a fat or a condiment. So I ate from the leanest proteins (egg beaters) for dinner, which allowed me to use 2T cream cheese as fat. The rest was all condiments (allowed 3 per day). It was slightly higher in fat than I usually eat, but it was, in fact, *worth it!* I have been 100% on plan all month, and having this bit of heaven was a real treat. *I did have some lean pork sirloin stir fry as well, which was FANTASTIC, but chose the main portion of my lean as a cup of Egg Beaters with veggies.

Scale is hovering between 180 and 181 today. Looking for a new decade soon!

Disconnect

I know I just blogged a couple of hours ago, but something just happened. Something that felt profound, that I wanted to share before the emotion fades.

I was going through my clothes... yeah, you've seen me do this before... because all of the 16's I've continued to wear even though they are baggy have gotten so ridiculously large on me that it is embarrassing. And besides, the weather has changed, and I needed to find some long jeans to wear. I have a pair of 14's I've been wearing on occasion, so I figured it was time to trade down to size 14 from my Rubbermaid tubs.

I have two tubs full of "too small" clothes. They're not OLD clothes I saved... because the last time I saw a size 14 was in 1991 before vanity sizing hit... they are *new* clothes I bought along my weight loss journey. I'd see a clearance or a good deal on eBay, and snag a few clothes in smaller sizes "for later." It made me feel secure, having two tubs of clothes to shrink into. So tonight I dug them out.

I started with the bigger sizes. The last time I tried on jeans from these tubs was in the spring, when I took everything that was too tight to wear and stuck them away. I don't generally wear jeans in summertime so I hadn't tried any of them on since. I started with some size 20's and 18's that, yes, were too tight in the spring because they are cut unusually small. Guess what? Way, WAY too big now. Into the Fat Clothes box they went. Next I put on the 16's, thinking some would fit okay. Nope, nada. Every Single Pair of 16's I tried on, one after the other, went right into the "too big" pile. I mean, they were even too big to throw into the wash on hot and shrink to fit me! I was honestly stunned. Some of these jeans are brand new, with tags still on them! I pulled out the last 16's, some classy ones I *love* the styling of, muttered, "these better fit," and then stared at myself with my pants hanging off me in the mirror. Unbelievable. It was like some kind of time warp. I KNOW I couldn't even get these past my hips last time I tried them on!

The Fat Clothes box got fuller. The tubs of smaller clothes got emptier. I had some very mixed feelings of disconnect:

I am not POSSIBLY that much smaller than I was a few months ago.
This cannot be happening.
How can those jeans be TOO BIG?
My legs look so fat, how on earth can they not fill out those little jeans?

And then, when I was out of 16's and took out the 14's, I held them up and thought, There Is NO WAY.
No way I will fit into these.
I looked at the little circle of denim that was the waist as I stepped into the legs and thought, I am insane for thinking I can get my body into these...
but they fit.
Every.Single.Pair of 14's I own fit me fine. Not tight, not "maybe in a few weeks." They FIT.
And one pair of 14's had to go in the Fat Clothes box. How crazy is that?

I had two pairs of 12's... the smallest jeans I own. Dare I try them on? So tiny looking to me. Maybe?
I decided to give it a shot.
They *do* fit! NOT enough to wear all day yet, but both pairs went up over the hips, buttoned, and zipped.
I will be wearing size 12 jeans in my 100-Pounds-Gone pictures. Just wow.

At the end of an hour, I had a heaping box of Too Bigs and one very empty Rubbermaid tub, as well as one tub with just a few items left in it. Underneath all the smaller clothes was a shirt. It was folded neatly at the very bottom of the tub. As soon as I saw it, I recognized it. It was my favorite shirt I used to love to wear when I weighed 278 pounds. I must have saved it at the bottom of the pile, to look at when I got nearer to my goal. I pulled it out. I gasped.

I knew it would be big. I knew how large I was. But I honestly have NO recollection of EVER holding up, folding, or hanging up a shirt that big in my closet. It is as wide as it is tall. Soft and grey, size 26/28, the fabric extends so wide that I was just stunned. I held it up, speechless.

Finally, tears in my eyes, I said out loud, "How could you not notice? How could you not notice?"
I think you know what I mean.

I laid the shirt on the floor, and beside it, I laid a size medium shirt that I have been wearing all summer.

I feel for the woman who used to fill that shirt to capacity. I cry for her because she didn't even notice what she had done to herself. She didn't know anything else was possible. She thought she was trapped in that life she had... in that body. She was so sad.

But I am so proud of her. I rejoice in her absolute determination and the guts it took to take those first steps to make a change. I love her for taking back her power and changing her life so dramatically. I embrace her for her courage in the dire circumstances she was in. I admire her for facing the daunting task of losing 100 pounds. It seemed impossible. But it wasn't. And because she had that tiny glimmer of hope and spark of determination, here I am. I am alive today because of her. Because of me. I saved myself.

The shirts are just symbols of how far I've come... of how different life would be for me now had I not taken those first steps and continued on for three years. I am very proud of what I've done, but I am also humbled that it could have easily turned out very differently. Very, very differently. That shirt is like a time capsule... a window into my past, but also a reminder of where I could return to if I ever start walking back that path. I will never forget. And I am so thankful for my newfound freedom.