The Munchies

Often, when I am home and the kids are in school, I get a mad case of the munchies. It happens in the evenings, too. I used to get BAD cravings and pace around looking in the cabinets wanting to eat. I used to whip up batches of cookie dough, eat half, then bake the rest and eat half of THOSE before setting aside 2 or 3 for each kid (so generous of me).

These days, I'm more likely to grab a light string cheese or some sugar free jello, but I still get the munchies. I'm not *hungry* and not even really craving anything. I just feel like eating. I finish lunch, am satisfied, but my mouth wants more fun and games. I drink a diet soda, but I still feel like I want something else. I end up eating random things that are low cal and on plan, like a dill pickle spear, a bit of light cheese, a celery stalk with light peanut butter. And I just keep wanting.

The munchies are really just a symptom of boredom or avoidance, for me. When I start doing that, it means I have *stuff* I should be doing (maybe laundry, phone calls, paperwork, or cleaning) but I don't really want to do it. It doesn't have to be done *tomorrow* so I put it off. It happens often. It's a shadow of my past behaviors, when I used to procrastinate to the point of trying to write a 10 page research paper the day before it's due or waiting until an hour before company is coming to frantically vacuum and mop and dust. I have always done that... put things off til the last minute. Not a great habit, I know. And now that I am older I don't have the energy to stay up all night doing the taxes on April 14th or to dash around cleaning and organizing and fixing stuff all day before visitors come. I really have to do things ahead.

But yet, there's that stuff that doesn't seem urgent and I don't feel like doing it, so instead, I wander the kitchen in search of taste bud entertainment. Bad habit.

I want to change that behavior, but in the past my lists of "things to do instead of eating" went all things that made me groan and roll my eyes. So now I am finding things I enjoy that might even feel a bit indulgent that I can do to entertain myself or relax or whatever when I am in avoidance mode. (That's part of the process for me; moving back the time frame in which I actually *do* things that need to be done is another thing I am working on, but avoidance mode is almost a default mode for me sometimes, so I want to use something other than food as avoidance. Even if it is watching mindless TV for 30 minutes.)

I think the little stuff we do to change our behaviors adds up. Over time I will eliminate the behaviors I don't like from my life and add in more productive and healthy ones.

And now, instead of eating another pickle spear, I am going to try and finish setting up those weights in my new home gym!

Your Weight Loss Reasons May Be Keeping You Fat

I was reading a weight loss book last night (which I will mention later) about motivation for losing weight. I had a little bit of a light bulb moment that I think might be helpful to many people, as it was to me. The basic statement was that when your reasons for losing weight (or doing anything, really) are to *avoid* or *escape* some negative situation, you will likely fail. The explanation (based on research that I have not yet read) is that when you act on a situation to get some kind of pressure off (say, your clothes are too tight or you hate being fat), the action you take leads to a lessening of the pressure that was causing you to act. And then you don't feel as motivated to continue, so you go back to your old habits. The author goes on to explain that in order to succeed long term, it is important to be focused on the end result you want... on what you WANT to happen... rather than what you are trying to AVOID.

So... losing weight because you want to wear size 10 jeans, have a blood pressure of 110/70, fit on the carnival rides next summer, and be able to run a mile is far more likely to succeed than losing weight because you want to get out of the plus sizes, stop having acid reflux, get rid of the knee pain, and not be stuck in the house. It might seem like a minor difference, but for me, it is huge.

In fact, this is *just* what I needed to read at this point in my weight loss journey. Just a couple days ago I wrote about how the weight loss no longer seems urgent to me. I lost 90 pounds and I have basically eliminated ALL those reasons I wanted to lose weight: the headaches, the reflux, the joint pain, the immobility, the heart palpitations... all gone. The plus sized clothes? All gone. The sadness when I looked in the mirror? Totally gone. I have a rich life now. I am actually very happy, whether I have an on plan eating day or off plan. I don't feel guilt about food. I love my life and enjoy it whether it includes days of Medifast shakes or plates of lasagna. I no longer assign morality to noodles on a plate. So... should I keep losing weight? Or not?

Should you?

It's similar for all of us. We don't HAVE to lose weight. Whether you're 150 pounds or 450 pounds, it is a *personal choice.* The only time morality comes into weight loss, in my opinion, is when your choices about weight and health are harming another person... say, your child who may grow up motherless if you decide to remain morbidly obese. But that's a topic for another day. In general, if a person wants to remain overweight or obese it is not BAD or GOOD, it is their body and their life and I say if you are happy... TRULY HAPPY where you are, and are willing to accept (and fully understand) the consequences, then good for you! I have lots of large friends and relatives and I love them very much, no matter what they decide to do (or not do) about their weight.

So how to decide? I think a lot of people decide to lose weight because they "should." Because they know people see them as fat, they see all the models on TV and the dieting ads and figure they must be somehow unacceptable as they are. But I think that's a mistake. Look deep down inside you and instead of thinking of all you want to avoid or escape, tell me:

What do you want to gain?
What do you envision as your life, your body, your health in a year? Five years? Ten?
Be honest. What do you *really* want?

Not "I want to lose weight." But more specific, in positives: "I want to remain within 5 pounds of 220" or maybe "I want to wear size 10 jeans" or perhaps "I want to weigh 145." Even better, imagine the details of the life you desire for yourself in the future. What are you doing? How do you spend your time? How much strength do you have? How active are you?

Try to answer without thought to what you think "should" be your answer. If everyone else disappeared, what would YOU want?

I will answer this for myself.

In a year, I want to weigh 140 pounds. I want to have strength in my arms and muscles that I can FEEL in my legs and abs. I want to shop, lift, carry things, and move things with ease. I want a relationship with food that is healthy, fueling myself with whole, natural, local foods and much as possible. I want to walk without pain, shop for beautiful clothes, and go anywhere with confidence. I want to know my body is the healthiest it can be. This is what I want for myself.

And even further out, I want to be a happy, active, exciting grandma someday and watch my great grandkids grow up!

Now, writing it out, I see that this is something within my control. I can make this happen. Instead of eating a candy bar because "after all, I look pretty good, I am happy, and my knees don't hurt anymore," I can put the candy down and go after my real goals of health, strength, and beauty.

These reflections came when I was reading a book that Medifast sent me (for free) called Dr. A's Habits of Health. If you're on Medifast it is a great read. If not, there is still a lot of good information but I'd check it out at the library rather than buying it, since the author is the Medical Director of Medifast so it is more geared towards those on this program.

Take some time and ponder your own true feelings and desires. Maybe write them down or blog about them. See if you can uncover some new insights from within. Changing your reasons may change your life.

When I Stopped Caring

For the first 26 years of my life, I cared about my weight. I didn't obsess, but I *cared* in the sense that I was always aware of any extra pounds and I made the effort to get them back off. In high school, when I hit 145 pounds, I started running in the mornings and eating less until I got back to 140. After I gave birth to my second child and found myself a new mother weighing 172 pounds, I immediately signed up for a class at the local hospital on nutrition and weight loss. For 16 weeks I went in and learned about healthy foods and exercise, and I managed to drop 10 pounds before getting pregnant with son #3. Less than a year after he was born, I weighed 199 pounds... a real wake-up call! I got together with some friends and we started walking a couple miles a day in the evenings after we put our kids to bed. We started calorie counting and having occasional lunches and recipe exchanges together, and I managed to lose 34 pounds and get back down to 165. I remember how great I felt... fit, active, healthy. Not long after, I was pregnant again and excited to add our fourth child to the family. After his birth, I hit a new high of 201 pounds. Seeing that 2 on the scale drove me right to a new weight loss plan, and I started writing down everything I ate and counting calories again. I joined a gym, I worked out, I got down to 174 (maybe lower. I don't have a lower record but I *think* I may have reached 168 or so).

All those years, each time I gained a bit of weight I noticed right away. I cared that I was gaining weight. I knew it was bad for me and that I didn't look as good. So I didn't let it go on for long before I did something about it. I joined a group or hooked up with friends. My weight and my health mattered to me.

Then something happened. My whole mindset changed. I was already struggling when my last son was an infant because we had moved to a new state where I did not have the close knit group of friends I'd had before. I didn't have the daily love and support of a small town country neighborhood anymore. We'd moved to "the city," where people live next door to each other for years and don't even know the neighbors' names. Granted, it was not a *big* city, but it was the biggest I'd ever lived in. I felt lost and alone. I cried a lot. I wanted to go "home." But my husband's job was here, and we had to stay.

Still, it was here that I went from 201 to 174 or lower. I made it happen but it was very lonely. I went to that gym alone, worked out alone, counted calories alone. And that is when the *something* happened.

I got divorced.

I found myself, at 170ish pounds, standing alone in the living room with four little children asleep in their beds and cribs the day after Christmas 1997. My baby wasn't even 2 yet. My husband moved more than 2000 miles away. I was absolutely, utterly, horribly alone. And I was terrified.

I had no family to rely on, no mother to call and cry to, no siblings or grandparents,  no one. I tried to make the best of the situation. I tried very hard to be strong and be there for the kids, but I was falling apart inside.

And that is when I stopped caring about my weight.

By March, I weighed 227 pounds. I have no idea how it happened. Well, I mean I have an idea... we had no money, we ate from the food bank. That means lots of day-old bakery items like donuts, cinnamon rolls, cakes, cookies, and cupcakes. Yeah, we'd come out of the food bank with an entire cart full of JUST CAKES AND PASTRIES and then maybe a bag with a few canned goods, a bag of white flour, a bag of sugar and some margarine. Maybe some rice, or a few packages of Ramen. That's about it. So yes, we ate donuts for breakfast and had cake after school a lot. But mentally I was just not there... emotionally, mentally, I was in shock and I was not thinking clearly. I just ate. I didn't worry about calories or nutrition or how fat I was getting until I got a job and had NO clothes to wear. All I had were baggy sweats and tees I picked up at Walmart. I had to go and buy size 22 blouses and slacks with money I got from selling some of my belongings. And that is the only reason I cared about my weight... because I needed new clothes for work.

I was numb. I was going through the motions of life but not really living. By the following Christmas, just one year after my husband left, I weighed 245 pounds. My weight was messing with my life by that point, and I tried half heartedly to diet. I went on Weight Watchers, but a year later I weighed 262. I went back to college, and by 2003 I weighed 270. I screwed around with diets on and off, down 33 pounds on South Beach and back up to 278. And ever since then I guess I started caring again in a half hearted way. I cared enough to go on weight loss message boards, lose a few pounds, regain, try again, lose a few, and regain. But somehow I was stuck and even though a little bit of caring was starting to come through, it was a caring about getting out of the morbid obesity hell hole... but not really caring about me. Not really caring about *myself* FOR ME. I don't even know if that makes sense. But I wanted to lose weight because I felt like crap and I figured I was too fat, but I didn't really care about me. Not enough, anyway. However, I *did* care more than life itself for my children, and they needed me. So I cared and kept trying because of that.

Now it's different. Somewhere over the past 3 years I really starting caring about myself. Not just my weight, but my emotional, mental, physical health and well being. I care about me not just *because* of my kids, but as a stand alone, I-Love-Myself kind of caring that I used to have before. Before I got divorced.

The trauma of that divorce was a trigger for me to go numb. It was the beginnings of binge eating, massive weight gain, and the habit of "checking out" of life because it hurt too much. It was a withdrawal and loneliness. It was based on fear.

I will not stop caring again. I have my awareness back and it is with me all the time, my constant companion when I am doing well or not. I *always* think about the consequences of my actions. I *always* pay attention, so I do not slip into that habit of checking out.

A lot of people check out and gain weight when some *event* happens to them that is too painful or scary to cope with. Take note, and see if this is the case for you. Sometimes, understanding is just the thing we need to make a change and check back in.

Why Off Plan?

Yesterday I posted a pretty tough weigh in with a large gain for the week. I'd spent several days sort of being "half" on plan but indulging in yummy Italian dinners, baked apple strudel, and M&M's (among other things). Lots of comments asked about whether something was bothering me in my life and was I eating the pain. And I thought that is a great thing to address, since that *has* been the usual culprit in the past.

This time was different. When I was buying those M&M's, I was just as happy and carefree feeling as you can get. I was not DYING for M&M's or anything. I just wanted to have some and had them. When I went out for Italian, I just thought "Oh, wouldn't some pasta and garlic bread be nice?" and decided to have it. I enjoyed every last bite. Same with the other things I ate. I was feeling relaxed, happy, and enjoying reasonable portions... not binge eating a TON of anything.

WHY?? If I am trying to lose more weight WHY would I go off and eat like that for several days? I was not stuffing down pain. I was not feeling frantic. I was not having terrible cravings with arguments in my head. I just sort of ate what I wanted to eat, without flipping out and being in an emotional state while doing it. In fact, I felt really good.

I did not, however, feel good on Saturday when my jeans that used to be loose were uncomfortably tight. And I certainly DID NOT feel good when I stepped on the scale yesterday. I also did not like going to bed with a lot of food still digesting in my stomach or the heavy feeling of fatty stuff in my system. Thus, I went back on plan yesterday, 100%, and dropped a lot of water weight overnight. 189 today.

Something I have noticed is that the sense of urgency is gone from my weight loss efforts. I used to feel absolutely *desperate* to get the weight off. I needed to stop the migraines, the heart palpitations, the acid reflux. I needed to get some weight off my knees because they were disintegrating at an alarming rate. My weight was affecting EVERYTHING: my mobility, where I could fit, how I felt in public, what I could wear. My pants were wearing out super fast, with big holes in the inner thighs, and I could hardly roll over in bed if I wanted to change positions. I had to heave myself over to move. I had to struggle to get up off the couch. Even going to the bathroom was difficult... getting up and down off the toilet was painful and if I went to a public bathroom I had to use the handicapped stall. The others were too narrow to get in and shut the door. And I was afraid every day that I was going to die of a hart attack or a stroke and leave my kids without a mother.

I had a lot of pain in my life every day when I was morbidly obese... physical pain every time I moved, and emotional pain when I looked in the mirror and saw what I had done to myself. Now, 90 pounds lighter, all of that is gone. No headaches, no reflux, no heart palpitations, no plantar fasciitis, and almost no knee pain unless I really overdo it. I see a ME that I recognizee and am proud of when I look in the mirror. I can go anywhere and am not limited by my size. In fact, there is almost nothing that my weight is affecting daily anymore. I can do what I want, for the most part. And I think I look good.

And so the urgency to lose weight has passed, and while I still want to (and need to) get to a normal BMI for the sake of my health, I am just not as driven as I used to be. And so when some Food Occasion pops up, I think it won't really matter if I indulge. I feel so happy where I am that going off plan seems justifiable.

But, it's not. Really. I mean, if I am *truly* satisfied with this weight loss and WANT to stay 189 pounds, great! I should do that, transition off Medifast and just be happy at this weight. I could do that. But I know that this is NOT where I want to stop. I want to lose *at least* 25 more pounds, and then reassess. Why? No longer for looks (although I am sure my arms and legs would benefit greatly from fat loss). Mainly, for 1) my knees, 2) my heart, and 3) my ovaries. I do not want to wear my knees down any faster than I have to. I need to get more weight off them to let them heal and be able to carry me through life. There is a LOT of heart disease on both sides of my family. The extra fat on my body AND in my diet is bad news for my heart. And my mother died of ovarian cancer. Extra fat is a risk factor, and too much "padding" on the belly is what made it so difficult to diagnose my mother until it was far too late to do anything. So yes, I do very much want to get more weight off. And since that is what I want, I need to knuckle down and do it instead of drawing it out for another year because the sense of urgency is gone.

So anyway, I have a plan, I am sticking to it. The exercise room is so close to being done and I intend to start biking in there next week, and put together some kind of weight program soon as well. In three months I think I can get that 25 pounds off.

And to be clear, there is in my own mind no chance of me flipping out and gaining back a ton of weight. This is my new life, and I love it, and I am never going back. Maybe to some of you, my journey is annoying or disappointing. You see a woman who took more than three years to lose 90 pounds, who still wants junk food sometimes and goes off plan. Maybe if I gained weight 3 weeks in a row you'd be so annoyed you'd never want to read my blog again. I don't really get that mindset. Are you looking for some perfect weight loss story and living it vicariously, thinking that people who "do it right" *should* lose weight a certain way, and never stray? I dunno, seems a little unrealistic to me. There are blogs out there with people who lose weight every week, who never go off their plan, who lose faster than I do or never post a struggle. That is not my journey. My journey is imperfect but real AND successful. *This* is my journey, always shared honestly, and I am glad some of you do find inspiration in what I am doing. I am just a normal mom with a bunch of kids and the usual struggles, changing my life week after week. And for *me*... that is good enough.

Oy

Well. As much as I'd like to skip a weigh in today, that would not be in my best interests. Staying off the scale for too long when you KNOW it won't be good new is just plain self-defeating. So... here we go.

Last Sunday I weighed in at 184 pounds. I ate on plan until Wednesday, and I already blogged about what I ate that day. Thursday I was doing just fine until evening and then ate some junk. I can't even remember WHAT junk which is sign #1 that things were not going well. I dunno, sometimes I just sort of 'fade out' and disconnect a little. I used to do that so regularly that I'd wake up in the mornings and be shocked to see empty candy wrappers all over the counters and ice cream tubs in the trash. I am not *quite* that disconnected anymore, but I did fade out, stop weighing, and sort of pretend I was not on any kind of diet, that I weighed a normal weight and could eat what I wanted without worrying about it. On Friday I went overboard with that little charade and went to 7-11 for M&M's. I have not had candy in ages, it seems, and let me tell you. It was sort of surreal, walking in there, buying M&M's, and then getting in my car with them. I looked down. I saw a decent looking body and a pack of M&M's on the seat. I felt almost liberated that I am "allowed" now to eat a candy bar without looking like some kind of freak show. Yes that might be graphic but THAT is how I always felt when I was really large and went on binge runs. I'd buy candy or whatever and feel like everyone was looking and staring at the fat lady buying candy. Like I was not "allowed" to have it... or "supposed" to have it. I'd make excuses to the cashier about the junk food being for a friend or one of my grown kids. I'd feel guilty and ashamed EVEN IF I was not going to binge but only going to buy one candy bar or a donut or a hot dog. I'd walk out of a store and feel like all eyes were on me, like I was this big example of what NOT to become, that people would point and whisper to their kids "that is what happens when you eat too much!" In my head I felt like I had no right to eat anything but a salad and grilled chicken and when I bought a candy I'd sit in the car, look down at my huge belly touching the steering wheel, and feel so ashamed that I'd either start crying or completely block out the feelings and stuff the candy bar down my throat. But the other day with the M&M's on my lap I smiled and felt like... oh it's hard to describe, but almost like I can finally just be one of Those People I always envied who were Allowed to have a candy bar and not feel guilty about it. It was crazy. But I was so happy eating that candy.

Unfortunately, I have a reaction to sugar that includes temporary insanity. That night I went out to eat at an ITALIAN restaurant (hello? I am supposed to be eating low carb?) and had a dish of manicotti, a salad, and garlic bread. I ate a reasonable portion... smallish, actually. But I was most definitely in la la land, saying to my Weight-Loss Conscience... "lalalalala!!! I can't hearrrr youuu!"

Yesterday was the day to get back on track except we had two festivals to go to so I did the whole "wait one more day to get it together" tactic. I had half of a sausage biscuit (at home) for breakfast. At festival #1, my lunch was half a medium order of fries and half of a 16 oz root beer float, shared with my daughter. At festival #2, I had a medium iced caramel latte. As I sat there drinking it I thought, "Holy crap, this is WAY TOO SWEET. Why did I not get sugar free? This is really no fun." But I let the ice melt in it to make it less sweet and drank it anyway (another sign I was out of my right mind, because usually I'd have no qualms about just throwing it out). For dinner I made my "healthier" version of chicken & dumplings (chicken breasts, onion, celery, veggies, low sodium broth, Healthy Request cream of chicken soup in the crock pot all day and then add low fat biscuit dough balls on top and cook through). Oh man, it was so good. And of course there was dessert: apple strudel. I had a nice sized piece.

As much as I would like to be able to have a few days like this once in awhile, it is really a bad idea for me right now. My body has *always* gained weight rapidly when I go off plan (whether that plan is Medifast, calorie counting, South Beach, Weight Watchers, whatever). I have this huge rebound effect that happens. I guess that is why I weighed 278 pounds... because my body is *really good* at storing up every calorie. I hate that this is how it goes, but I know better... it always happens the same way. I know that to keep the weight off long term is going to be a challenge for me, because even with a whole foods, healthy diet I still really want to eat junk sometimes. It will be a challenge but I am going to do it anyway.

This morning I weighed in at 193 pounds. That is a gain of nine pounds since Tuesday.

Next week will be better.

Random Thoughts

The last couple of days I have noticed that my energy level is dropping and it is getting harder to get up in the morning. I realized that I am seeing the very beginnings of the Seasonal Affective Disorder I have suffered from each winter for the last several years. It's crazy, because years ago I just figured "hey, it's winter, time to hibernate and eat!" and I let myself load up on tons of starchy, carby, fatty foods as if I were a bear getting ready for the winter slumber. I didn't notice an energy drop, per se, because I was 278 pounds and had no energy to begin with. But lately I have paid more attention to my body. For the last 2 years I actually noticed the dramatic increase in tiredness and sluggishness around December, and started using my Day-Light Light Box every morning for 20 minutes as I ate breakfast. It helped a lot! Last year I also started taking plenty of vitamin D3 which also improved my mood and energy levels (and then my doctor confirmed that AFTER I had taken 1200 I.U. D3 all winter I was still "borderline" deficient and to keep taking some D3!).

This year, I am more in tune with my body than I have ever been, and I noticed the slight drop in energy and desire to eat more just this last week as the sunrise got later and later. It's been really hard to wake up. I had cut back to 400 I.U. of D3 over the summer but now I am going back to 1200. I also ordered something new: a BioBrite Sunrise Clock. I have a friend who has one of these and LOVES it. You set the alarm (sound, or sunrise mode only) and then in the morning it just gradually turns on, brightening your bedroom over a half hour or an hour so that your body wakes up naturally like a real sunrise. I had wanted to order one for awhile but it's a little pricey... but I think I need this, this year. I had become a morning person and was waking up with the sun (even at 6!) in a decent mood, and now I am snoring away in bed *really* late. I think a fake sunrise in my bedroom will help me wake up more naturally and maybe even help prevent the SAD from getting bad this year. We'll see... it hasn't come in the mail yet but I can hardly wait to try it!

This morning it was chilly, so I pulled out some jeans and a long sleeved shirt. I have been wearing shorts, capris and tees all summer and the last time I wore long sleeves I weighed well over 200 pounds... more like 210. Over the summer I cleared out all the XL tops but I had a bunch of nearly new size L long sleeved tops I'd purchased but never wore, because they were too snug. Way too snug. I do wear mediums now so wasn't sure how the L's would fit. Well, I grabbed a nice dark 3/4 length shirt this morning, threw it on with some black jeans, and when I looked in the mirror I went, "Oh, wow! Just wow!" I could not believe how good I looked! Way better than in shorts and tees!

I went on about my business and when I took my daughter to her gymnastics class I went to the bathroom, and after I washed my hands I caught myself in the large mirror as I turned to go. I almost cried. Honest. I put my hand over my mouth and got tears in my eyes, because I look like a NORMAL PERSON. I know, I know, it is silly and ridiculous but I just did NOT see what I used to see. I saw a really normal sized looking person with a nice waist and butt and everything! Even my belly looked pretty decent. I don't know when I will get used to seeing myself in mirrors, but I was truly touched. It just seems like a dream sometimes!

I've been working *very* hard sorting and decluttering to make an exercise room for myself. I have given away and sold so many things that I thought I HAD to hang on to, and I feel so much lighter without it. Now I know where the really important stuff is, and I have uncovered things that are true treasures... like an old photo album of my father when he was young, and the cute little notes my boys wrote to me when they were little. All of it was hidden before, stuck under tubs of old clothes, books, and random junk. Now I just have what I care about and have room for important things. Like an exercise room! We actually cleared the floor and brought in all the pieces from my weight system from the garage. It's old and dusty and needs a good cleaning, and we have no idea how to put it back together, but I am working on getting a manual for it so we can get it working. It's a nice, two-station thingy with big weight block doohickies that you lift with wire thingsmajiggers. You know what I mean :) I purchased it with student loan money way back in, oh, I want to say 2002. I was intent on getting fit. I had someone set it up in the family room for me. I used it a few times. I was feeling so buff. Ha, one time I was talking to a guy online who was 'interested' in me (yes I was single) and he asked how much I could leg press, and I proudly bragged "250 pounds!" And he, being a fitness buff, exclaimed, "WOW! You are really strong! Most people just starting can only leg press as much as they weigh!" Um.... yeah.... about that.....

So I used it a few times, then let it sit gathering dust for a year, then dismantled it to rip the orange shag carpet out of the family room because some ridiculous boyfriend's cat that I was catsitting for him was in fact NOT litter box trained like he TOLD me it was... and orange shag carpet + cat urine does not bode well for the family nor the relationship (the cat was, in fact, TOILET trained when he adopted it... would flush and everything... but he thought that was "gross" so he kept the toilet lid shut and HOPED that cat would use a box. FAIL!!!) So yeah, we tore up the carpet and moved the weights to the garage and it has sat there in pieces ever since. I am really excited to get it together and start using it again! For real this time. And my exercise bike is now also in that new exercise room, along with an old TV so I can bike and not be terribly bored this winter. So I am making progress on the exercise room, and it should be done within a week (if I can find a manual on how to set up this machine).

That's all for now! Have a great weekend!

Not Perfect

Yesterday was a bad eating day. I admit it. I still have them. I can't eat as much volume as I used to, but I still have those days when I get totally stressed out by some event or circumstance and it almost seems *too much* to deal with the emotional fallout AND the eating. I don't fall in the pit like I used to, so it is easier to get back up and just keep going, but I do wish I didn't crash my food intake over stupid things. It doesn't make it any better.

I used to do it ALL the time. Any little thing was a reason (excuse) to binge. It would be: "Oh, I had a really long report I had to write for school, and now that it's over I *need* to decompress." (Decompress = binge). Or "oh man, my kid is having another surgery/MRI/appointment and it might be bad! I need some comforting." (Comforting = binge). Or maybe "So-and-so said something that hurt my feelings, and now I *have* to soothe myself." (Sooth myself = binge). Well, I don't do all of that anymore, but sometimes it does sort of build up and if I am not really taking care of my emotional self I turn to food again.

Progress, not perfection is a mantra I see often on people's blogs, and it is a good one. BUT, it is important not to let that mantra become an excuse for continuing poor behaviors. So I come clean, as always, and say, yeah... yesterday was not a good eating day. Emotional stress combined with the new fall weather and shortening days triggered some unhealthy choices. We ordered pizza for dinner the night before (because, you know, pizza is easy and the kids like it) and then for lunch I went to the bagel shop where they make fresh bagels every morning and got myself a nice soft bagel, smeared it with light cream cheese, and enjoyed it with one of those small bags of chips that go with sandwiches. Yes, chips! Of all things. I mean to avoid them. They are never enough.

I walked my mile although I absolutely did not want to and tried to avoid it. I felt better on the way home though after some sunshine and time to think in the quiet as I walked. I drank too many cups of coffee and I thought about going to Dairy Queen (but didn't do it) and for dinner I had... can you guess?? come on, if you've read me long you know!... 2 hot dogs. (Interesting thing. Last time I had a hot dog problem I swore off buying them anymore. I decided I would *only* buy them once or twice a year, for barbecues in summer. But the very day I made that decision, someone else in my household went to Costco and bought FIVE PACKS of my favorite hot dogs. Yeah. So they've sat in the freezer.) I also had a diet Coke and some macaroni salad (about 1/3 cup) and then the last thing I did is what was a bit unnerving. I do not buy sugary stuff anymore. But yesterday I actually bought two boxes of ice cream bars "as a special treat for the kids." And yes the kids went nuts for them since I have not bought any in ages, but over the course of the evening, I personally ate three. THREE of them.

I look at the good parts: I used to eat five hot dogs. I used to think a day like this was a day to indulge in EVERYTHING I wanted. I used to easily eat 6 or 8 ice cream bars in an evening. I'd go for the straight real Coke on a day like this. I wouldn't walk. I'd languish for days, wallowing about in the food wreckage because I HAD to eat the leftovers and I didn't know how to get back on plan. Well, I don't do that anymore either. But in all honestly a couple of days a month like this is enough to make me stop losing weight. So I can't do it again, unless I really like staying in the mid-180's.

Back to the grind...

Licenses

In my wallet, I have two drivers' licenses. Both are from the same state, but only one is still valid. The older one was issued sometime in the late 1990's, when I weighed about 227 pounds. I remember the DMV worker loudly asking, "weight?" and me stammering, "Oh, about 220." He wrote it down and it was stamped on my license next to a picture of my roundish face.

I hated that picture. I was ashamed at how I looked. But little did I know that in just a few short years I would put on more than fifty pounds and think that old, roundish face looked really great compared to the new one. When I got my renewal license, they took a new picture but no one asked my weight. They just left "220" on there, which was fine with me. I weighed about 278.

The picture on the new license is just awful. They zoomed in and my face takes up the entire photo space. I didn't have time to smile and I have a deer in the headlights look. My hair was not done nicely. I look puffy and flushed. My cheeks bulge out. When I saw the new picture, I was devastated. Since it had been taken just 5 minutes earlier, I knew that was how I really looked. I stuck that new license in the wallet behind the old one and left it there. And ever since, I have had the old, invalid license in the front slot in my wallet so the old picture shows for photo ID and such. I only pull out the old one when I have to.

It's funny but the other day someone asked for photo ID and just for kicks I pulled out the old one. It is really interesting to see the look of shock on a person's face, looking from the picture to my face and back again, trying to decide if that is *really* the same person. I look nothing like either picture now. Even the old, slimmer picture is a good 40 pounds heavier than I am now. And I love the fact that I no longer cringe at the weight on my license. I am obviously nowhere near 220 now. Instead, I feel proud of what I have accomplished. All those years of wishing I could weigh what my license says I weigh are past. Next time I get a license it will be SO fun to see a weight starting with a 1 on there! It's been well over ten years since that happened. I can hardly wait!

I will insist on a new picture, too. I want the new license to reflect the new person that has blossomed. And I will be sure I am smiling for the camera!

A Day of Food

Just for fun, I thought I'd post a day of my typical food intake. Pardon the "sweet heavy" day, though, as I am mid-cycle and was craving chocolate yesterday  :)

Every morning, I start my day with a cup of nice hot green tea.

Then I have my breakfast around 8AM. Yesterday, I had a chocolate chip crepe (made from Medifast pancake mix) filled with light cream cheese and cinnamon, topped with sugar free maple syrup. I also enjoyed a cup of french pressed coconut creme coffee with a bit of Splenda and organic half & half.

At 10AM I usually have my mid morning snack. Usually it isn't a sweet, but like I said... ah well! I had a Medifast brownie (made in a little tray in the microwave).

After I walked a mile taking my daughter to school, I made myself a lunch of tuna salad. This was 1 whole can of water packed tuna with chopped fresh cucumbers and garden tomatoes and a bit of mustard and light mayo. I had a side of Medifast honey mustard pretzels and some iced lemon green tea with it.

I worked around the house a bit and then wanted to sit and relax with a cold drink, so I made myself an Italian cream soda: seltzer water, sugar free strawberry syrup, and 1 Tbsp half & half over ice. Ahhhh!

I went to pick up my daughter from school, and then it was time for my mid afternoon snack. I was pretty hungry so I made a huge protein shake. This is one Medifast pudding packet, 1/3 c water, a can of diet Root Beer, and a whole tray of ice. Blend and drink! It makes a HUGE amount of shake, almost 4 cups. I drank half at 3PM and half around 4PM. Tastes like a root beer float!

At 6PM it was dinnertime. I made scrambled Egg Beaters with lots of veggies: yellow crookneck squash and zucchini from my garden, and organic baby spinach. I topped it with some 2% Cheddar Jack cheese.

My last meal of the day is always a treat. I settle down on the couch to relax and watch TV with my favorite snack, which is often a chocolate "frosty" (Medifast pudding + water + ice in the blender) topped with sugar free chocolate syrup. Hard to tell by the picture, but it actually makes a nice large (12 oz) serving.

So there's what I ate yesterday. The portions were all reasonable, I was not hungry at all. I drank about 10 glasses of water as well.

Care to take a guess at how many calories, carbs, protein, and fat there was in all this food?

Here ya go:
965 calories
92 g carbs
121 g protein
23 g fat (19% of calories)

Feeling great!

Fat People Breaking Chairs

In middle school, there was always someone being teased about being "too fat" to sit on something without breaking it. "She's so fat she'll break the chairs!" "She's so fat she'll hurt the horse!" It didn't help my self image that on the last day of 5th grade I was playing on a teeter totter and my corduroy pants split right up the back. Thankfully, my best friend lent me her jacket to tie around my waist and hide the damage until my father could come pick me up. But I always thought I was fat, and I was always afraid I was going to break something. Nevermind that I weighed all of 120 pounds. I had chubby thighs, so I was fat.

I grew up with this fear of being classed in with the fat people. I was a thin child, except for a few years in middle school when I got a tiny bit overweight, and I was a 140 pound, curvy, tall teen. But my mother was obese and my best friend was heavy and I saw all the teasing and snide remarks and rude comments people made about them. It hurt me for them, and it set a fear into me about breaking chairs.

And then it happened. I was weighing the most I had ever weighed in my life... about 160 pounds... and about 6 months pregnant with my first child. We'd moved to a new town and some kind neighbors had invited us over for dinner. In the living room, there was a nice floral couch. My husband, who, to my dismay, by this point weighed LESS than me (about 155 pounds) sat down first. I went to sit beside him and as my butt hit the sofa... CRASH! Down it came with a thud to the floor. The leg on the corner nearest me had given way. That three inch fall was absolutely humiliating! I felt like an absolute cow. I almost started to cry as I stammered an apology and then the neighbor laughed and said, "Oh, don't worry about that, it's been broken for years. It's a trap we set for visitors!" Everyone laughed and the evening went on. But I was horrified. Whether what he said was true or not, in MY mind, I had become one of the Fat People Breaking Chairs.

It happened to me again in 2007, before I started this blog, but this time I really was morbidly obese and I really *did* break a chair... in front of everyone. It was one of the first posts I wrote on this blog, sharing how I'd come crashing down with a hot dog in my mouth at my son's baseball game. It was just humiliating. But the fact of the matter is, this kind of thing happens every day. People who are obese sit in things that are really not rated to hold their weight and the chair breaks. Chairs are usually rated to maybe 200 pounds... the heavy duty ones to 225 or maybe 250. And a lot of us weighed far over that limit. But we have to sit. Right?

I have a lot of compassion for people who have to look at the weight limits on everything or just stand around pretending not to *want* to sit because they are afraid of breaking the chair. I was there. I lived that way too. But now, I face a different perspective. What about being the person whose chairs are getting broken? How do you feel about that?

If you're not obese and you have chairs or other items that are just not rated to hold people over 250 pounds, how do you handle it when someone who is 300 or 350 pounds goes to sit in your chair? What is your reaction when they break it? How do you feel? I never thought about this before, but I am thinking about it now because honestly, it is very frustrating when someone comes along, sits in your furniture and breaks it due to their size. Now I have started to wonder: when I weighed 278 pounds, did my friends dread me coming over, wondering if I would break something? Probably not... but I have heard such comments from strangers.

Now that I look a "normal" weight, people seem to have turned off their Fat Person Comments filter when I am around. After all, people cannot tell that I used to be morbidly obese. They talk to each other in the grocery store or the mall or while we watch our kids dance. People talk differently if no overtly obese people are within earshot. I was dismayed to find this out. Shocked, actually. "Oh, Sue is coming over for dinner and every time she leaves we have to reinforce our dining room chairs. I really hate it. I don't want my dining room chairs broken!" and "Yeah we didn't invite Bill to the tailgate party. We can't afford to keep buying new lawn chairs every time he comes over and breaks one." Did people talk about me that way? I wonder.

And I have to admit that I have had similar thoughts about Fat People Breaking Chairs myself. I had this really nice wooden glider that my first husband bought me as a birthday present right before I delivered our first child over 20 years ago. That chair is very special to me. I rocked each of my first four babies in that chair from the day they came home from the hospital until they were too big to get on my lap. I nursed them in the middle of the night in that chair, rocking and singing to my babies. I love that chair. Many years ago I dated a man who weighed about 350 pounds. He decided he liked to sit in that chair. I thought nothing of it until... crack. The solid oak bottom of the chair broke under his weight. The screws also sheared off in some strange manner because of his weight rocking on them. The beloved chair still sits in a corner, waiting to be fixed, unable to be used. Another time, a friend was at my home for dinner. When he left, the toilet seat was broken... cracked right in half! To his credit he did mutter "the toilet seat cracked, I will replace it" before he left but of course I told him not to worry about it. And a 300 pound man who shall remain nameless sat in my office chair, leaned back, and broke the back completely off its base.

Now, knowing what it's like to be on the Fat End of the story... to be the one breaking things with my weight... I understand the horror and shame. I do the kind thing and try to make it *not a big deal* and soothe the person's feelings. But I admit it. I dread having my furniture broken by people who are too heavy for the strength of the structure. When a 300 pound visitor goes to sit on a chair I worry. I worry for THEM and I worry for the furniture. I can't afford to keep buying stuff to replace what is broken.

It's a really strange place to be, for me. I always maintain compassion for the person first and foremost. I want to be welcoming and nonjudgmental. But I also want my furniture, toilet seats, and lawn chairs to stay in one piece.

How do you feel about this?

Losing Weight Fast is NOT My Goal Anymore

Weigh in: 184. I lost two pounds this week!

I have had a bit of a struggle in my mind over the past few months. It involves the conflict in my head between the desire to lose weight super fast and get this weight off NOW versus the desire to lose weight in a slower, less restrictive manner. This is not a "problem" I have ever faced before; all my weight loss efforts in the past took 100% of my effort *just* to get a few pounds off a month, if that, and I was just glad to be going in the right direction. But a pound or two a month, while it *will* get you to goal, feels rather tedious after awhile. When I was calorie counting, even when I was losing weight regularly it felt like I was always doing the maximum I could possibly do.

Now, it's different. The weight I am losing on Medifast is pretty regular without having to put ALL my focus into weight loss. Yes, it still takes effort (more some days than others) to stay on plan, exercise, avoid the trigger foods, and plan and prep healthy dinners for me and the kids. But I pretty much know I am going to lose weight every month unless I go way, way off plan. I lost 5 pounds last month and 7 pounds per month from April-July. That, to me, seems like a healthy rate of loss... 1-2 pounds per week. But I *could* be losing faster. And that's where the conflict comes in.

A lot of people on Medifast are very strict with it. They eat their five Medifast meals as is, not adding anything to them, not tweaking at all. They eat their 5-7 ounces of protein (chicken, beef, fish, whatever) and their 3 vegetable servings, measure their allowed fats, and stick ferociously to 3 or less condiments per day (if any). Shun the optional snacks or maybe have a pickle spear or celery stalk and that's it. Among Medifasters, this is called being a "100%-er": following the plan with no variations. And you know what? They lose weight pretty fast. In fact, some people who have been on Medifast about as long as I have, have lost *double* the amount of pounds as me. So I look at that and go, "Gee, I am not doing this strictly enough! I could be done by now!" And then I try to be a 100%-er, too. And my weight loss does speed up that week...

*BUT*... and this is a very big but... I end up feeling very insecure and unsure about my weight when I lose weight too quickly. My body changes too fast for my brain and I get this disconnect and end up overeating... probably to subconsciously stall myself and slow the loss down. My style has been to eat the Medifast meals but to add some condiments when I think they need a little spicing up. To add in a cup of coffee with sugar free creamer here and there when I want to unwind. To go ahead and have that optional snack of peanut butter or almonds because I *enjoy* them. When I eat that stuff I don't feel the least bit deprived, and I am not hungry (except during certain times of the month). If I *do* get hungry I might even have a low fat string cheese before bed, which is an extra and not on plan. But when I eat this way I feel so much more relaxed. The weight still comes off. A pound or two a week, my brain can handle. A slowly morphing body that I pay attention to is good. Losing 5-7 pounds a month gives me time to *be okay* with the changes, the skin issues, the clothes that I *just bought* turning too loose. If I lose faster than that, it gets scary. So while I say kudos to those who are strict and lose 12 or 15 pounds a month, I think that in general that is just a bit much for me *emotionally*. And I JUST came to that conclusion today.

So the nice part is, the struggle is over in my head. I don't feel bad anymore that I am not being super strict and losing rapidly; everyone is different, and *this* is what works for *me.* Yes, I actually could change my eating a bit and lose faster, but I don't really want to do that. If I were to drop 15 pounds this month, I think I wouldn't have time to do the mental processing that is essential for keeping the weight off. So, for me, though it will take me a little longer to get there, losing a little slower is worth it.

*FTC-required disclosure: Medifast provided me with its products for my personal use for free. Medifast states an "average weight loss of up to 2 to 5 pounds a week."*

Seeing

In the summer of 2006, my weight was not the biggest concern in my life. I had other things going on, good and bad. But as always I was aware that I needed to lose some weight. But I was not at my fattest, and felt happy that I had dropped a few pounds that year. I was hoping to get back down to 257 pounds. That's what I had weighed in the fall of 2005 after I had my baby and I remember how skinny I felt and looked in photos back then.

I'm not sure what I weighed that summer when I was feeling pretty good about myself for getting below 278, but I would guess I was around 260 pounds. We were going on a trip to see family we hadn't seen in awhile, and I remember going shopping, trying to find something nice to wear in the summer heat. I wanted to be able to go swimming, but there was no way I'd wear an actual swimsuit. So I bought a white, lined tank top and some tan shorts. I figured I could wear them while we traveled and swim in them, too. I put them on and thought I looked decent in them. And my memory of myself in that outfit is a cheery one, where I felt good about how I looked. Thinner than usual.

This summer, I found the picture.

Now, because I cropped the faces out of the picture you may not be able to tell exactly how large I was, but I was large. You can see at the bottom that only one half of my lower body (one thigh) is in the picture. I did not look how I thought I looked. When I found this picture I was stunned. I could not believe it was me. My face was puffed beyond recognition, and I had so many chins that I could crop off my face and still leave chins for you to see. I was in pretty bad shape, and I didn't even know it.

This is not at all meant to be a criticism of my old body. It is meant to show you how absolutely oblivious we can be to our own condition. How, although I KNEW what sizes I was wearing, and I saw my body in the mirror, I never *really saw* my body. I avoided it. Unlike today, where I look at and pay attention to my body every single day, I just did not look. Did not feel it. I was detached from myself, somehow. I had a mental image that I was maybe 20 pounds overweight... not more than 100. I think it was some kind of mental shield of self defense, protecting my fragile sense of self from the reality of what I had done to my body. I didn't want to see, so I did not see.

It takes a lot of work to change that mindset. That's why I post things like how my skin is not firm or how my thigh fat spreads when I sit down... or how my ankles are looking more refined and my shoulders more narrow. I am in the mindset of paying close attention to the changes in my body. I don't want to ignore my body anymore. I will look and truly *see* it as it is, good and bad.

Easy Days, Hard Days

Some days I breeze through with perfect eating and exercise without even a thought. Sometimes I have days like that all strung together where I have zero desire to indulge in off plan stuff, or to binge, or to eat something I really should avoid. I can even go weeks like that sometimes, where it seems easy: I just get up, have my healthy foods, go about my day, stick my walking shoes on and do a mile, and feel completely 'normal' in my relationship with food. It's *just food* and nothing more, and I can have a life outside it. And the weight drops off, and I feel amazing. There are other days that every *moment* is a struggle with fighting the urge to eat more and more, or binge; the cravings are almost overwhelming at times. Those are the days I feel obsessed and wonder what is wrong with me as I pace the kitchen, opening and shutting the cabinets, telling myself to stop it, saying no, no, no! Those are the days I have all kinds of food on the brain and a trip to the grocery store is like navigating a mine field. I want everything. I cannot get it out of my head. And the worst part is that if I give in, even just a little bit, it gets worse. It can drag on for days, with my *trying* to eat on plan but feeling unable to resist that block of cheese or box of crackers. And once I give in my body fights even harder for more.

I've wondered for a long time why this is. How is it that some days, like today, I am so uninterested in food that I actually forget to eat? Yet other days it is a minute-by-minute battle not to inhale everything that isn't nailed down. I think it's hormones. At least, that's what I've come up with. I look at the calendar and I can predict the hard days in a month now. But there's more.

It's also what I am eating that seems to set me up for obsession or disinterest in food in general. If I eat something high in carbs, something sugary, or even something very fatty and salty, the craving switch gets tripped and it is *oh so hard* to turn it back off. It takes forever to get back out of the 'I-Want-Food' mindset. So I guess the answer is not to start on that path in the first place. I pretty much try to stay away from those kinds of triggers. Keeping the switch off is so much easier than TURNING it off once it's on.

Anyway, I am enjoying many obsession-free days now. I do remember how it was to have 100% Food Obsessed days for months. I remember when I was fighting every single day not to binge, and losing the battle every time. I remember sitting and crying after a binge because I was so ashamed and felt so out of control and wanted to stop so badly. I am very happy that I have experimented my way into an eating pattern that works for me. Small, protein rich, low carb meals every 2-3 hours seems to satisfy without triggering. I want to eat this way for the rest of my life. I do not need nearly the amount of food, sugar, fat, and carbs I was consuming before.

When you have an easy day, take advantage of it. Don't sabotage yourself by going and getting junk food. Use that one good, easy day to build another one, and another. After awhile you'll run into a hard day but it is actually *less hard* when you have a string of good days behind you.

There's just over 3 months left 'til Christmas. What gift will you be giving yourself? I am building my gift right now, every day, and I think with lots of work I will be able to give myself the gift of a body 15 or 20 pounds lighter than it is right now. I can't think of a better present! How about you?

A New Milestone!

First I wanted to say I so appreciated all the wise, heartfelt, and thoughtful comments on my last post. Wow! We really aren't alone! And don't worry... I am ON this journey, for so many reasons. I can never go back. My brain is not in the mindset it used to be in, and my body tends to follow my brain. It always helps me tremendously to blog my thoughts and feelings. Those thoughts about my body had been rattling around in my head for weeks, and now that I put them out there and got it out, I feel so much lighter! Blogging is therapeutic. Cleansing. Freeing! I am super excited to see what my body does in the next 10-20 pounds. I know already my knees are so much better that I *almost* feel like I don't have the severe degenerative arthritis, bone spurs in my knees, and torn meniscus that have plagued me for over a decade. I was living in serious daily pain before. Even 10-15 pounds ago I still have knee pain almost daily although it was much reduced. And now? I still take my supplements, but apart from the occasional twinge or aches if I overdo it, I feel pretty darn great!

Today I hit a new low: 184 pounds! That's a total of 94 pounds gone forever. Another significant milestone is that I have now lost 50 pounds on Medifast. It took me exactly six and a half months. The first time I lost 50 pounds, going from 278 to 228, I did it with mainly calorie counting and eating a lot more vegetables and fruits and far less junk. It took me almost nine months to lose that 50 pounds. Either way, it is coming off at a decent rate and as time goes by I get smaller. I like that.

When I think about it, nine months losing with calorie counting and six and a half months losing on Medifast equals about a year and a quarter of active weight loss. Yet I began this journey in August 2007. What was I doing for the rest of that 3 year period? If you've read the archives, you know. I was battling the binge demons, fighting to not regain all the weight I'd lost, doing the mental and emotional work to move forward, and losing and regaining the same 20 pounds over and over. But I never gave up and that's the point. Keep trying, don't stop. If one thing doesn't work, try something else. Add exercise, cut out fast food, switch to a low carb plan, eat more whole, natural, organic foods. Just keep trying and never quit.

I feel great about the fact that I have had the perseverance to stick with it this long... over three years! If you had told me in the beginning that it would take this long, I might have given up. Over a hundred pounds to lose is no small thing, and getting started is THE hardest part. It is so much easier to stay in the pit, eating junk, starting "tomorrow" and feeling like it's impossible to change. But once you get the ball rolling, it gets easier. Even when there are long stalls and it takes over 3 years to lose that 100 pounds, IT IS WORTH IT. The time will pass anyway, and you will be fatter or thinner or the same weight at the end of that time. It all depends on what you do today.

Make today count! Next goal: the 170's!

*FTC-required disclosure: Medifast provided me with its products for my personal use for free. Medifast states an "average weight loss of up to 2 to 5 pounds a week."*

I Don't Like My Melting Body

When people lose a lot of weight, everyone gushes. Everyone admires and applauds and expects us to talk about how great we feel and how much happier we are. And that's reasonable. I mean, losing a lot of weight really does improve your quality of life in most cases. It's easier to do simple things like walk, bend, tie my shoes. I can sit on the floor and get back up. I can go to events and not worry about breaking the lawn chairs they have out for us to sit in. I can vacuum the house and play with my kids. Life IS better.

But no one likes to hear the negative stuff. When you lose a lot of weight, you're not supposed to complain about it, or talk about the parts you don't like. It's almost like if you say something negative you are ungrateful for the chance you have to be thinner. Hey, I've felt that way before myself. When I weighed 250+ pounds and I'd see people blogging about how much they hated their hip fat at 175 pounds, I'd roll my eyes and think, "I would KILL to have your hip fat! Wanna trade?" But really, how we feel is how we feel. And *not liking* something about the process does not negate the huge relief, gratitude and happiness I have that I have lost this weight.

My body used to be way too large. I hated how I looked and felt. My knees were hurting ALL the time even up until about 10 pounds ago. When I weighed 278 pounds, my skin was tight. When I'd run my hands over my body it felt very curvy and soft yet firm. Every curve had density to it. I felt solid.

Now, my body is more than 90 pounds lighter. The flesh is deflated, and the curves, while still there, are no longer firm with tight skin. People talk about "loose skin" after weight loss, but I am finding it is more like the flesh that is there is really squishy and not at all firm. The skin IS different... not smooth on my thighs by any means. It's like you inflated a large balloon to capacity, left it that way for ten years, and then left half the air out. Can you picture the surface? Kind of wrinkly? Not "loose" but different. It still covers the air in the balloon, but it is not smooth and firm when you run your hands over it anymore.

I don't like it. When I get dressed in the morning I get a little disconcerted when I look at myself. I understand what's going on, here; my hips, for example, used to measure 58 inches around. That was 58" of skin covering that fat. If you cut a strip of skin off me where I was measuring and laid it flat, it would have been 58" long. That is almost five feet of skin. Last time I measured my hips they were 14 inches smaller. What happened to that extra skin... a foot and two inches of skin that is no longer stretched across my hips? Well, I guess it shrank some, because there isn't anything hanging. And in fact the skin in that area is not very wrinkly at all. I have done dry skin brushing and used lots of lotion; maybe that helps. My legs and arms have a much worse problem with the skin not shrinking up enough. And that skin is full of fat. It is not hanging SKIN as much as it is wobbly, mushy FAT.

The other day in the grocery store I reached for something on a shelf right in front of my daughter, who was sitting in the shopping cart. I saw her eyes fix onto my upper arm flab, which was hanging off my arm like a baboon swinging wildly on a branch. She stared. I knew what she was wondering. She reached out and touched the bat wing. I put my arm down and cheerily went about my shopping, talking about canned tomatoes and which kind of cereal to buy. She didn't say anything, but I knew she'd never seen an arm quite like that.

I don't like my melting body. I don't like the skin being wrinkly in places and the deflated feeling of my fat. I don't like that I can poke with my finger and it goes in two inches because the fat is so loose and mushy. I don't like that when I put on my underwear, which fit perfectly and are not tight at all, they dent into my fat a good inch or more because that fat is so soft and squishy. I don't like that my upper arm fat sways in the breeze if I reach for something, or that I have a patch of wrinkly skin appearing under my jawline. I absolutely do not like the sensation that I am melting, with my flesh dripping down like wax off a hot candle. My body is not the right shape anymore. It feels like someone should take a spatula and scrape up the oozing frosting and get rid of the drips. I do not like it at all.

It has been more noticeable with these last ten pounds. When I am 193, it's there but not too bothersome. And oddly, when I am 185 as I am today, the 'drippage' and 'melt effect' is astounding. It bothers me and I think that is part of why I have been having a hard time breaking below 185. I am afraid it is going to get worse. And when something mental is getting in the way of weight loss, I write about it, deal with it, and move forward. Thus, my post.

Oh yes, there is a simple fix for this problem. If I hate it so much, I can just eat my way back to 278 pounds and have that lovely tight skin and firm fat again. That's our option: gain back the weight if we don't like the thinner body. But there is so much I do love about my new weight and even my new body... so much that I would never consider regaining just to get away from the sensation that I am melting. Ninety percent of my experience with being thinner is fantastic! The ability to mop the floors and go places and fit into nice clothes is great. My curves are still there and I like that. In clothes I actually look amazing! I smile and say "wow" every day when I get dressed and look in the mirror. But that ten percent, where I see myself naked and get a little anxious, has to be acknowledged and accepted. It is OKAY to have some negative feelings about weight loss. Denying those feelings, in my experience, leads to binge eating.

So, while there is something I don't like, I do like the overall package. I like the results of my work, and I will keep on working. Eventually this 'melt' will change to something else... not sure what, but I am excited to find out!

This is My Life

My life is settling into a nice, smooth, predictable pattern. Even with the bumps and unexpected jolts, hard times and exciting times, I am starting to really settle. Maybe it has to do with my age, but somehow I feel much more grounded than I ever have in the past. I have accepted what I have, and made plans to change (or continue changing) the parts I don't like and have control over.

I spend my days in little tasks. I sit on the floor playing Candyland with my daughter and teaching her to read and spell with Bananagram tiles. I watch her tear Kleenexes and colored papers into tiny bits to fill an Easter basket so she can have "confetti" to throw in joy at her pretend tea party. I cook noodles for her lunch, walk her to Kindergarten in the sunshine and walk home again, enjoying the blue skies and last bloom of flowers before fall. Soon we will walk in the brown, crunching leaves, wrapped in cozy sweaters and talking about the way seasons change. I laugh and joke with my boys and help them with their homework. I fold fresh laundry, taking in the nice fresh softness of a clean stack of towels. I clean and declutter and cook cabbage soup and sloppy joes for dinner, and then I read to my daughter before tucking her into bed with music by her favorite composer, Peter Tchaikovsky, playing in the background as she drifts off to sleep.

I spent a good part of today sorting through her baby clothes. It's emotional and a little bit draining, but while I happily donated all of my older childrens' clothing last week, I had a harder time with hers. I have not gotten rid of one single item of her clothing since she was born. The teeny tiny preemie outfits that were much too big for her when she came home are staying, as are the tiny doll clothes that she finally could fit into when she grew to be over 3 pounds. When I opened up the baby and toddler clothes totes, I looked at a few items, got teary, and put them all away. Ahhh, she is my baby, growing up so fast. I will sort those another day. But I did manage to go through several boxes of size 3 and 4 clothes that she has outgrown. I kept a few of the cutest things, but the rest we have no need for. Let someone else's princess enjoy them for now.

I like the way my life is going these days. I sit here and sip my iced coffee and type what's on my mind in the last minutes before I go to pick up my daughter from Kindergarten and take her to her dance class. I do love watching her dance! My life is freer now. I feel like I used to be bound by something in my head as well as the morbid obesity of my body; not only was it impossible for me to sit on the floor and play Candyland with my children, but I didn't really want to do it anyway. I was stuck in my head. I was living in the past. I was letting my fears and my sense of being a victim take over my life.

Life can change for the better. It really can. It might seem like you're in a rut you can't get out of, but keep climbing. One of these times you will get a toehold and pull yourself out and once you experience life out of the pit, you won't want to go back. I have slipped back in at times, but I feel like instead of sitting at the edge dangling my feet in now, I am getting on my feet and walking away.

Keep trying. Life waits.

Where I Was

Lately, I feel more and more detached from the person in those pictures. You know the person I mean... the one who was morbidly obese, who weighed 278 pounds, who was almost immobile from the pain. It's not just the body I have dissociated from... it's the mental state I was in back then, too: the hopeless, sad, miserable state of "I can't do it." I have changed so much more than just my body. And it shows.

I am more confident, more settled. I like myself more because of who I am, not because of how I look. The insides have evolved along with the outside of me, and I have more peace with myself than I ever had before.

I was looking through pictures today and came across one I had forgotten. It just happened to be taken last September, almost a year ago. If you've been around here long, you may remember that I had gone from 278 down to 214 in about a year, and then I regained a bunch of weight and was struggling a LOT for about a year (225 to 245). I never gave up but there were times I was SO depressed about not losing the weight. I didn't know what to do to fix it. I kept bingeing and couldn't seem to get a grip. Anyway, one day last September I decided to go to the park with my kids. My decent clothes were in the laundry so I wore black, tight, cotton stretch capris and a tee shirt. I thought I looked fine. But then I saw a picture my son had taken:

I was shocked when I saw this. I weighed about 245 pounds in this picture, and I looked a LOT better in jeans and a decent fitting shirt, but this "outfit" showed what I was really toting around. It made me cry.

It was right about that time, one year ago, that I wrote this post about the power to change our habits and our lives. I'd seen a lady on a message board who'd lost 100 pounds in a year. I thought, "Wow, I could do that, maybe." I wasn't sure, and I didn't know how I would make it *click* in my brain again to lose the weight, but I decided to try. Every night for several months, I'd lie in bed before going to sleep and I'd think, "It's October 1, 2010. I weigh 145 pounds." I'd think that phrase over and over and imagine myself at that weight. I wanted to MAKE it happen. I wanted to manifest my own life.

It worked for awhile. On October 1, I was 245 pounds. By November 1 I had dropped eleven pounds, and I lost several more through the holidays and into January when I weighed 228. But then I sort of lost it again, and started gaining. I weighed 234 in February and March and I was fighting really hard not to regain any more weight. It was then I started Medifast, and I have lost weight every month since.

Now, I don't think there was any magic in the plan I chose. Counting calories worked, low carb worked, and Medifast worked. But what *really* needed to happen was internal and I truly feel I had to get off sugar to have a clear enough mind to have that change occur. And now, I look at the calendar and while I did NOT lose 100 pounds in a year, I did lose 60. And that's pretty darn good! (If you haven't seen my current pictures, they are here.)

Today in the store Imet an acquaintance I haven't seen in awhile. She was shocked at how different I look. She was amazed that I lost so much weight. My old self is amazed, too. But the new me is not surprised at all. I believe I will reach my goal now and stay there. I do not feel the same as I did a year ago. It is not a wish or a hope. It is my life.

Weigh In

As promised, a weigh-in: 186 pounds this morning. I have some water retention going on from driving 10 hours in the last 2 days, so I should see a new low in a few days. I had a nice trip with the kiddos! Here's what I did for meals:

I switched to 4 Medifast meals and 2 regular low carb meals for those days. Saturday, we stopped for lunch in a restaurant and I had a large green salad topped with grilled chicken, and had blue cheese dressing on the side. I always do that; when I dip my fork into the dressing and then stab the salad, I use far less dressing on the whole salad... about 2T max. (I mentioned these meals in a post yesterday but lemme recap!) Dinner was a 6oz Fillet Mignon and instead of a baked potato, I asked for 2 veggies: steamed Broccoli with fresh shaved Parmesan cheese on top, and sauteed green beans. It was delicious and filling. Then Sunday for breakfast I had a nice big Egg Beater omelet filled with spinach, mushrooms, tomatoes, and ham. The coffee (with Splenda and half & half) was divine. Dinner was a FAIL but a reasonable fail; my son had a diner in mind he wanted to try. They DID have grilled chicken and canned veggies but that had zero appeal for me. So I ordered the taco salad. Oh it was so yummy! It was not greasy either, and I used salsa for dressing. I really enjoyed this but the FAIL part was eating half of the deep fried shell! It was delish, but not healthy. After I got it I thought, next time I will definitely ask for the taco salad WITHOUT the shell bowl!

I have been so busy all week that I have not even tracked my weight or exercise at all. I am still walking a mile a day during the week (taking my daughter to school), and am working on getting the exercise room decluttered so I can set up my bike and weights in there. My goal is to have it done in a week. We'll see!

So I am just trucking along, doing my thing and not stressing (nice change of pace). I may do another post this afternoon; I have a lot of stuff rattling around in my head! I'd love to hit my 100 Pounds Gone weight this month. It'll be close! I think I can do it!

Joyful Life

I am feeling just amazing today! I have gotten so much accomplished and have been eating good healthy stuff, having fun with my kids and just enjoying life. I had a great salad with grilled chicken and tomatoes on top for lunch, and dinner was a delicious treat: fillet Mignon with sauteed fresh green beans and steamed broccoli topped with a bit of shaved Parmesan. So flavorful! I must have walked a good 2 or 3 miles outside today too.

It hasn't escaped my attention that while I have had my share of struggles and continue to struggle at times, I am richly blessed with the body I have, the children I love so dearly, and the wonderful life I am living. I think it is wise to count one's blessings regularly, as cliche as it sounds, because we *all* have things to be grateful for and it is all too easy (for me, at least) to forget and wallow in the mire of the negatives. And that seems to be when I start turning to food for something it isn't: emotional support. I am finding the strength within for the hard times, while always trying to keep in mind how blessed I really am.

I think so much more highly of myself than I ever have, too, and that is a great thing. I used to feel inferior a lot, starting from the time I was a child and thought I didn't look as pretty as the other girls. For decades I battled a sense of inferiority, because I was never smart enough, good enough, popular enough (I was *so* not popular!), athletic enough (or at all) or unique enough. It's funny, I always thought if I was proud of myself that was bad. Pride was bad... feeling superior was wrong. Well, I can't say I feel superior at all. But I AM good, I am talented, in fact I am beautiful and wonderful and gifted. I like myself. I am, actually, quite special.

You are all of those things as well, you know. That's the funny thing about 'unique' and 'special': one might think that in order to be those things, other people can't be those things. You have to stand out and leave the un-unique and un-special people behind. But that's incorrect. EVERYONE can be unique and special in some way. What matters most is what YOU think of you... and the impact you leave on others by how you use your life. Leave a positive legacy. That makes you wonderful, beautiful, special.

I just love life right now, and I wish this feeling on each of you, especially those who struggle every day with sadness or anger or hopelessness. I hope for you the sense of joy and peace I've found. Oh, I have my rough days, but feeling this way *most* of the time is a beautiful thing. I couldn't be here when I was in the sugar fog. I didn't have the richness of emotion and sensations of a joyful life when everything was coated in sugar and blurred by the unhealthy things I was eating. Cutting way back on sugar (and refined carbs) is the one most significant thing I have done over the past 3 years for my mental state and my health. Maybe it doesn't work that way for everyone, but I urge you to see if it helps you. Just stop with the sugar, sweets, corn syrup, white flour, white rice, etc. for a couple of weeks and see if the sugar fog doesn't lift for you, too. It's worth a shot.

I will be weighing in on Monday this week (no scale access at the moment). Enjoy your weekend!

Healthier Fried Green Tomatoes

Yum! I never thought I'd like these, but was always curious to try them. I am so glad I did... they are delicious! I am including TWO different recipes here: one for people on Medifast (using Medifast Puffs as breading), and one for the rest of the world (regular ingredients). Both are very good.

You start with a fresh green tomato from your garden. Wash it and slice it (about 1/4" thick. If you make them TOO thick they won't get tender when cooking. I like them tender!)

For the breading:

Recipe A (Medifast friendly): crush up a bag of Parmesan Puffs into fine crumbs. I used a rolling pin and a Ziplock baggie to accomplish this. It only takes about half a bag, maybe a little more, to do one tomato.

Recipe B (everyone else): Mix 2 Tbsp fine breadcrumbs with 2 Tbsp corn meal. Season to taste with sea salt and black pepper. If you want, you can add garlic powder or other seasonings to the crumbs as well.

Now, take a nonstick pan and get a teaspoon of olive oil heated in there. Medium-ish heat is good, maybe a little higher (you don't want to burn your food, but want it to crisp up, so play with the temp a bit).

Dip each slice of tomato into a bowl of Eggbeaters (or beaten eggs or egg whites). Then dip into the breading, coating both sides evenly. Lay the slices in the HEATED pan with the olive oil. Cook them until they are golden on the bottom (takes 4-5 minutes depending on your heat). Flip once and brown the other side. That's it, all done!

The key is to get them as tender as you like without burning, so if they are not done enough for you, you can either slice them thinner or cook them on lower heat for a longer time. You can also bake these by laying the coated slices on a cookie sheet spritzed with olive oil and spritzing the tops of the tomatoes with olive oil as well (325 for 40 minutes).

Crispy and good! One medium tomato, sliced yields approximately 1/2 cup cooked which equals one Medifast vegetable (Green) serving. The oil counts as a healthy fat. I have these for lunch with the rest of the uncrushed Puffs and subtract the veg from my dinner. I think these would be great with the Chili Puffs for breading as well.

Enjoy!

Refocus, or What's Tripping Me Up

While I've been getting a lot done around the house with my new decluttering project, I have noticed a disturbing trend that I think I need to figure out and deal with. Actually, two things:

1. I seem to be *unable* or *unwilling* to focus heavily on more than one "project" at a time. Meaning, weight loss and eating/exercising has been my "project" for such a long time and I had no other BIG projects while I was losing weight. I'd make big goals to declutter or work on the family photo albums or whatever but it's almost like my brain couldn't do both at once, so the other projects always got abandoned. Now that I am truly working hard on my home, my focus on diet and exercise has lagged. I grab the Medifast foods at the right times... that is simple. But when it is time to eat dinner I feel so distracted, overwhelmed, focused on trying to reorganize the garage, that I just "can't handle" cooking dinner or thinking about measuring my vegetables. And I grab whatever is handy and end up eating too much because I don't measure, going over on fats and salt and calories and carbs. I skip a walk here and there because, hey, I am busy going through boxes of marbles and Pokemon cards here. I don't have a healthy snack because dude, I am trying to list 3 high chairs and a play pen on Craigslist here, I don't want to think about celery right now. So... it's like... I am unable/unwilling to do two major brainpower things at once (declutter and diet). This was a problem when I was calorie counting, when I was NOT dieting, and is still a problem now.

2. I am a bad planner and when I am busy I want to grab foods that are easy and convenience. Medifast prepackaged stuff is GREAT for this, but since I have to actually prepare real food, too, that is where I am screwing up the last couple of days. I don't WANT to put in the effort of thinking up a meal, getting the ingredients, weighing my meat, washing/cutting/measuring my vegetables and sitting down to a healthy dinner. And since I have teens who are quite happy to make themselves sandwiches and burritos when I don't cook, it's not a big deal. I *do* think it's important to have sit-down family dinners, but I have let that slack this week because I am "too tired" or "too busy" to deal with cooking and prepping. In fact last night we ordered pizza, which is way, WAY off plan for me, and while I consoled my conscience by telling myself it was ok since it was thin crust, it was really not ok because I ate too many slices, drank some soda, and had a scoop of ice cream for dessert. Result? Major headache this morning from the sugar. Great.

1 and 2 are related. I have noticed this before but just shrugged it off and figured I would work on it later. I know all the tips of having washed and cut veggies ready in the fridge to grab. I know how to cook a bunch of chicken breast or pork loin or ground beef/turkey on one day, measure into portions and have handy in the fridge or freezer. I know how to cook and save portions for the future so all I have to do is grab something from the freezer and nuke it. My kids can cook. There is no valid reason for me to grab whatever is handy, when, in fact, I *do* have easy things like cans of tuna, cartons of eggs, frozen soup that is already measured, frozen measured meat, and washed lettuce, spinach, and cukes in the fridge.

I have resisted this for a long, long time. I have a history of ordering pizza or grabbing fast food because it is easier. But it is NOT easier, really. It is just an excuse to eat something I *want* to eat instead of digging in the fridge and eating a bowl of soup or a salad. I am not sure WHY I am doing this. But I have done it for ages and if I am going to keep this weight off, this is a behavior I am going to have to change. Admitting and sharing it here is, for me, the first step to changing it.

As far as the focus goes, I am not ADD. I went to school and kept a near 4.0 in college while working and raising four kids alone. I can multitask. I have a lot LESS going on in my life now than I did back then, even with the decluttering. I am perfectly capable of doing both tasks (decluttering and losing weight) so why I am not focusing on both, I'm not sure. But that also has to change, and frankly, if I have to stop working on the house and set the tubs aside and sort them later while I sort out the weight loss stuff, that's what I'll do. My health has to be a priority. I will try to do both, but if something has to go, it's not going to be weight loss.

Scale is up, which sucks. Refocusing today and will report back in tomorrow on how it's going.

Changed

My goodness, I really have changed. My MIND has changed. It has never been more obvious than as I am decluttering my house. I know I just blogged about this yesterday, but the change is so drastic I want to share more.

All these years... even as recently as last year... I'd go open a box to declutter and get all teary eyed and emotional. I'd look at the soccer clothes five sizes too small for my boys and think about selling them, but I just COULDN'T. I HAD to have those. They reminded me of all those days sitting in lawn chairs in the fall and spring watching my little ones play soccer. And I COULD NOT get rid of those clothes. If I had tried, it would have been extremely painful.

For over a decade, a pretty wooden crib has sat in my garage. It's the crib I picked out with my husband when we found out we were having our first baby 21 years ago. That crib held all of my four older children in their most tender years, as well as a darling foster baby I raised for a while. I saved it "in case I ever have another baby," but when I WAS having another baby after almost a ten year gap, I wanted a new crib for her... a lighter colored, more girly crib that a friend purchased as a gift for her. Besides, I couldn't find all the bolts for the old one. So then, after she graduated to a toddler bed, I had TWO cribs languishing. And then they were recalled! No use in saving them for grandkids in 10 years, and I am certainly NOT having anymore babies, yet those cribs sat, and sat, and sat, taking up much needed space. Finally 2 months ago I did get rid of the newer one, but that old darker wooden crib still sat, dusty and unused in the garage. I just couldn't let it go. My babies were in there.

Something is drastically changed here. Yesterday, I went in the garage and looked at that crib and thought, "why the heck have I been hanging onto that old thing? I want it gone!" And out it went. I decided to sort the baby clothes, too, and the huge tub of stuffed animals I saved from when I was a child. Sacred tubs of stuff... I haven't been able to purge one item from those tubs in all these years. I'd open them, get all sad, put everything back. I HAD to have those things. My babies were in there. My childhood was in there.

Yesterday I opened them and thought, "wow, geez, why did I save all this junk??" I started flinging baby clothes left and right into bags for Goodwill, saving a few newborn outfits for my daughter to use on her dolls and also saving one particular baby outfit that gave me a huge smile when I came across it, because it reminded me of my youngest son and his giant grin as a baby. Two huge bags of baby clothes... donated! Painlessly. I had NO desire to save them, keep them, hang onto them anymore. Same with the stuffed animals. I picked out the old stuffed poodle my grandpa gave me before he died when I was 4, and I saved a few other special ones for my little girl to play with. But the rest went into donation bags, without a second glance. And NONE of this hurt my heart to do.

What has changed? My babies are not in those tubs anymore. My babies aren't in that crib or those clothes or the old rattles. My babies are RIGHT HERE in front of me, a lot bigger, yes, but they are HERE and NOW and I can enjoy them every bit as much as I did when they were tiny. I have the memories but more importantly I HAVE THEM. Somehow I didn't see it before. Maybe because I was so wrapped up in my head, drowning in 'issues' and unable to play with them, hike with them, or even get down the flight of stairs to kiss them goodnight that it felt like all I had was the beautiful past. All I had was in those tubs, those things. And now I live in the present, and I have a future.

I cannot express how freeing it is not only to be rid of so many *things* but to be rid of the *desire* to keep them all. I have zero resentment about purging this stuff, no regrets as I dump it off in a donation box, no sense of loss whatsoever. Life is AWESOME and while I had some lovely times in my past, living in the present moment beats memories all to heck. When you're ready, you'll see. It is a beautiful thing.