Quick, Easy and DELICIOUS Cabbage Soup

Fall is on its way, and for me that means it's soup season! Soups can be your best friend whether you're trying to lose weight or just looking for a way to get lots of nutrition in your meals. Some people think being a good cook is complicated, but when it comes to soup, you've never had it so easy!

Here's a very simple, super flexible, EASY recipe for Cabbage Soup. (It's not just for diets anymore!) It can be as basic or as complex as you wish, and as varied as the veggies in your refrigerator. There are no real measurements here, so you can put in more or less of whatever you like. Consider this a lesson in basic healthy soupmaking! The quantities I am listing here are for ONE serving (and this is something you can whip up in less than 30 minutes for lunch or dinner) but you can use more for a big pot.

Meat: For your protein, you need some COOKED meat. I prefer lean ground beef or turkey (browned and drained) but you can also use lean sausage or cooked beans (kidney are my fave). You can omit the meat/beans for a completely veg soup. I used 5 ounces (cooked) of lean ground grass fed local beef.

Liquid: you can use any kind of broth, or just water with a little beef, chicken, or vegetable bouillon added. I used one cup of organic low sodium chicken broth.

Cabbage: Fresh cabbage, chopped in bite-sized pieces. Use as much as you wish, but I think it tastes best to have about twice as much cabbage as other veggies.

Tomatoes: These are essential to flavor the broth. Doesn't matter if they are fresh or canned, just use bite-sized pieces. I used fresh chopped tomatoes from my garden.

Other veggies: You do NOT have to add any other veggies if you don't want to! Believe it or not, the soup is delicious with just cabbage and tomatoes. But, if you like, you can add more veggies. Celery is my favorite. I also like mushrooms, chopped peppers, carrots (if your plan permits them), zucchini, and baby spinach. If you use zucchini or spinach, add it 5-10 minutes from the end of cooking time so it doesn't get mushy.

The TOTAL amount of vegetables including cabbage and tomatoes I used (for one serving) is 2 cups raw. It cooks down to about 1 1/2 cups cooked.

Flavor: A bit of chopped onion gives a lot of flavor. I used onion powder in mine. Fresh minced/pressed garlic is also great; I added a little garlic powder. I also used black pepper and sea salt to taste. Simple is really best with this soup! If you want something different, add some Italian seasonings such as oregano and basil. If you like spice, a dash of cayenne is great. Sometimes I add 1/4 tsp of white vinegar for kick.

Put all the stuff in a pot and simmer for about 25 minutes, stirring once in awhile. That's it! Soup's done! And oh my, was it delicious!

This is one serving of soup, and the only veggies I used are cabbage and tomatoes. This is a healthy, nutritious, warming, low carb recipe. If you are on Medifast (as I am), this counts as 1 full Lean & Green meal (don't forget to count your condiments!)

Enjoy your soup! Cooking is fun :)

I am Deciding

I have gained some new clarity about my situation with my weight, eating, and exercise. It's about who *really* is in control, and what is possible for me.

I frequent a popular message board where there are many very supportive, wise, insightful people who have lost or are losing massive amounts of weight. One of the people I admire there started out as heavy as I did, and is significantly smaller than I will ever be. She often says to people who ask her how she lost the weight, "I DECIDED to." And then tells people that it is their choice, and they can DECIDE to lose weight and DO it. It is in their power.

As much as I admired her, when I first saw that, it kind of made me mad. I mean, I can't count the number of times I "decided" to lose weight, went on some diet or 'lifestyle change' thing for days/weeks/months, maybe lost some weight or maybe not, and then ended up failing yet again, gaining more weight than I had lost. I felt frantic and powerless and hopeless, and it seemed to *not* be in my power. Even now, some days it seems I eat things I don't really want to eat. It seems like there is something going on WAY beyond my own desire to lose weight. Really, if all it took was "deciding" to lose weight, wouldn't everyone be thin?

Maybe for some folks whose main issue is a) not knowing how/what to eat or b) just eating too much because they like food, "deciding" (and commitment) might be enough. An education, a nutritionist, a smaller plate and smaller portions and the DECISION to stick with a particular new way of eating might be all it takes. I am sure it is STILL very hard work and takes a lot of effort and dedication and I applaud that. But what about people who "decide" and really do try very hard but keep "falling off" and seem unable to stick with it long enough to get the weight off? What about me when I spent 20 months "trying" yet did not have a net loss of a single pound? I weighed every day. I counted calories. I blogged. I had decided to lose weight. But I wasn't losing it. There is more going on there. Maybe underlying emotional/psychological stuff, maybe an eating disorder, maybe an addiction to certain food combinations as described in The End of Overeating. But it is obviously *very* difficult for many people to lose weight even after they make the decision and commitment to do so. And we can end up feeling like failures when well meaning people (even doctors) simply tell us to "eat less, exercise more" as if we somehow missed that and were clueless about the actual mechanics of basic weight loss. But again, were it that simple, there would not be so many people who WANT to lose weight, are TRYING to lose weight, but can't seem to do it.

That said, I think it is important to own our own power. We are NOT helpless. If we are addicted to certain foods, we can stop eating them (with work and persistence). No one is addicted to EVERY FOOD (seriously, who goes on a celery run and binges on stalks in the car?) If we have emotional issues or fears of weight loss, we can work through those, too, alone or with a counselor. We can keep trying until we figure out what works for us. It might be more complicated than just eating less and exercising more, but I do believe that most people CAN better their lives and health if they so choose.

When you get that crazy feeling like you HAVE to have a cheeseburger, and you are pacing and obsessing and fighting the urge to go get fast food, it might *seem* like it is beyond your control. It is not. When you finally break down and go rushing to the drive through, that is a decision YOU MADE. No one made you do it, the food did not do it. You decided. And there is no right or wrong here. It is just a fact. Every bite you take, it is YOUR CHOICE. No food is jumping into your mouth. Maybe it seems impossible to resist, and maybe sometimes you just WANT a cupcake and eat it. But don't say "I couldn't help myself." Don't believe for one second that some unseen mystery force *made* you eat it. It is still your choice.

When I eat a salad, I think to myself, "I am deciding to eat this salad."
When I went to the fair and was just DYING for a caramel apple, and couldn't get it out of my head, I had to acknowledge with that first bite, "I am deciding to eat this apple."
I can't blame the apple or the fair and I can't disown my choice. I chose. You choose.

Once we own our decisions we are no longer victims of some unknown that "makes" us eat off plan things and "keeps" us fat.

I am deciding, now, to eat the foods that will help me get to my goals. If I see a candy bar and feel overcome by the desire to eat it, and if I do give in and eat it, you know what? It was my decision, even if I *felt* out of control. I wasn't. Saying "I couldn't stop myself" is just a way to disassociate from the guilt we tend to feel for eating a candy bar.

Own the decision and the guilt goes away. It is not morally wrong to eat a candy bar. It is a step away from YOUR goals, but that is YOUR decision. So stop, think, own the decision. Who knows, maybe once that Snickers in is your hand and you acknowledge that you are DECIDING to eat it, you may recognise your own power... NOT the powerlessness we often associate with eating off plan... and maybe you will DECIDE that one bite is enough and throw the rest away. Or decide not to eat it at all.

Scale is back down 2 pounds this morning.

Tough Weigh-In

This is a post I almost swept under the carpet with a shrug and a "I don't feel like posting today, I think I'll skip a weigh in post this week." But I always try to be true to myself AND transparent. The day I start hiding things from this blog is the day I start heading back to hiding everything else, like my feelings and my binges, and that leads back to 278 pounds. So I won't go there.

This post, which is already in my head and oozing out my fingers right now, feels eerily similar to the posts I wrote in the old days when I was doing a lot of gain/lose/gain stuff with no overall loss. Even though things are different now, I feel the similarity and I don't like it. Yes, you guessed it right, I gained weight this week. I gained in a scary way, *without* a binge. In 3 days, I have gained 7 pounds.

I have always shared how easily I can gain weight. Even when I was calorie counting or doing something NOT low carb, I could gain weight so fast it was hard to believe. I have gained 40 pounds in 3 months. I have on a separate occasion gained 80 pounds in something like 10 months. When I'd binge, watch out... 11 pounds in a week has happened right here on my blog.

There are three reactions I *always* get via comments and email when I post a gain like that.
1) Oh my gosh, I am so sad/disappointed/upset! Stop messing around! (This is a process. Let it be.)
2) That is not REAL weight. It takes X calories to gain Y pounds, and you didn't eat that much so it can't be REAL weight. (Yes, actually, even water retention is REAL weight. Ask my knees. But I am well aware it is not all FAT I gained. Doesn't matter. Lots of people "not real weight" themselves back up the scale 100 pounds).
3) You messed up, just get back to work and keep going! You can do it!

Thank you for the #3's! That is the approach I am taking.

In fact, I decided that it's time to get out of my head for awhile. Maybe you know what I mean. Sometimes, I get so wrapped up in the "how am I feeling/why am I gaining/what's the emotion behind this" that the actual details of my eating get ignored. Now, I am a HUGE fan of self-examination and awareness. I did not lose this weight by ignoring my feelings; that's not what I'm talking about. But sometimes I just get so wrapped up in my own thoughts that I lose focus. I think it's time for a focus on action, on getting this last 30 or so pounds off so I can be done with Medifast and get back to my oatmeal with walnuts and pumpkin. I am very thankful for all I have learned and am learning with Medifast; it has been absolutely invaluable in my weight loss efforts. It came along at the right time for me and has helped me stop a lot of destructive behavior in regards to my eating. I am hoping it will help me peel off the last chunk of weight and transition back to a totally whole foods way of eating. In order to do that, I have to stick to the plan, as written. It takes discipline and determination, and I am ready to do this.

My goals from now until Christmas are:

1. Stick to the plan tenaciously, which means, eat my 5 Medifast meals and my Lean & Green meal daily. Measure my protein (chicken, beef, fish, eggs, tofu, etc), my vegetables (fresh local stuff when I can... 1.5 cups per day or 3 cups of salad greens) and my healthy fats (olive oil, olives, etc) as well as any condiments I use (staying at 3 or less) and having the optional snack only when I really need it.

2. Get the exercise room set up within 3 weeks AND start using it. By December I hope to be biking 6 days a week and have a strength training routine in place. I will continue walking outside until it gets too cold for my comfort. I do plan to walk my daughter to Kindergarten every day (a mile round trip).

3. Get that water in, as well as green tea. I want to cut the sodas out. I have been using the diet sodas as a crutch and I want to quit that (they are Diet Rite, no calories, no caffeine, no sodium, but I want them gone).

4. Declutter my house and my life. My *stuff* has been dragging me down. I have been in this house for 14 years now and I need to clean out some space. This will be my project while my daughter is at school: declutter and reorganize.

5. No more off plan days. Yes, it's nice to have a cornbread muffin here and an ice cream cone there, but more than the food I want this weight gone and the weight loss phase of my life to be OVER. I am ready for a new phase: maintenance.

My goal is to weigh 156 pounds by January 1. I have no idea if that will be too heavy, too thin, or just right for my body. It's hard to set a goal when you've been obese for so long. I have not weighed in the 150's for 20 years. I know I felt like I was "fat" at 160 pounds on the way UP the scale, but felt thin (but flabby) at 168 on the way down. I think when I get there I will know whether I need to keep losing or not, but the general ballpark I am aiming for is 140-160 pounds.

See you there.


*FTC-required disclosure: Medifast provided me with its products for my personal use for free. Medifast states an "average weight loss of up to 2 to 5 pounds a week."*
Use coupon code LYNESC50 for $50 off your Medifast order of $275 through 8/31/10.

I Want Everything (but not really)

Okay. So, I did something I said I wasn't going to do anymore, but I think it needed to be done. I took a "day off" yesterday from low carbing and decided to eat what I wanted to eat, nothing off limits *except* binge eating or acting like a total nutjob. Goal was to just enjoy a day at the fair with my kids, not stress out about the food, not weigh my protein and measure my vegetables and all of that. It was sort of a mental health day. I had my usual Medifast breakfast, then baked homemade healthy banana muffins with my daughter and had one of those. At the fair, it got more complicated, but I really, really learned something.

As I walked up and down the food aisles while I was *not* hungry, scoping them out to decide what I'd like to have later, I discovered something. I wanted almost everything. I let myself linger by some of the stands that appealed to me: teriyaki kabobs, sausages with onions and peppers, deep fried zucchini, beer battered corn dogs. And I wanted EVERYTHING. I thought, hmmm, this is the same feeling I had at the bakery or when I used to go through the grocery store getting food for a binge. I used to fill my cart up with more food than any one person could POSSIBLY eat: chips, pizza, ice creams in 3 flavors, candy bars, cookies.... because once I was in binge mindset and "allowed" myself to have ANYTHING I wanted, I wanted everything.

Why do I want everything? Now that I don't binge, it is harder to figure out what to have. I DID tell myself I could have anything I wanted at the fair, but I kind of thought one thing would jump out at me, I'd order that, and be satisfied. But no... I wanted so many things it was ridiculous. But I knew I couldn't eat a fraction of what I wanted, even if I tried.

And then I figured something out. What I *really* want is a TASTE of everything. I had NO desire to eat a whole corn dog, a big plate of fries, or a jumbo burrito. I wanted to TRY them all, so I would not be missing out on the experience. I wanted the memory of the one-bite taste of an elephant ear and a funnel cake. I would have been totally thrilled if I could have gotten a sample bite from 10 different stands... one french fry, one bite of a burger, one piece of kettle korn. But you can't get that. And there is no way I can spend $100 ordering stuff so I can try a bite and throw the rest away.

I am happy with small portions now. But no one at the fair caters to that. When I decided that I wanted a Philly cheese steak for lunch, I asked the guy if he could make me a HALF cheese steak, and he laughed! He said no, I had to get a whole one but he didn't care what I did with the other half. So I told him to wrap half and serve half on a plate. It was so delicious to me! I ate about 75% of my half and was stuffed. I gave the other half to my son later.

At dinner I was facing the same issue. Um, can I have ONE piece of chicken? No, you have to buy a platter with biscuits and fries. Can I get a SMALL fresh squeezed lemonade? Yeah, sure, it is 22 ounces and $4. Everything I'd like to try is too much volume. And then I thought, "I wonder what gastric bypass patients do? They need to eat, and they can only eat a few bites. Do they just buy the giant burrito and take a few bites and throw the rest away? This is ridiculous. Why can't I get small portions anywhere?"

Well, once I knew that I didn't really want all that food, I chose a taco salad for my dinner. It was good! It was huge, too, and I could not finish it. Later, after walking a good 3 miles throughout the exhibits all afternoon, I got an ice cream cone. And on the way out I got a small caramel apple with peanuts on it. It was just heavenly.

It was more indulgence than I have had during the last 3 years of Fair food. The scale is UP five pounds. Five! Crazy.

Back to the grind today. New goal: no more days off plan until I hit my goal.

Afraid to Reach a Goal

I am having a hard time.

Not in the way you might think; I am not going nuts wanting to eat junk, I am not depressed, and not struggling with my plan (much). The hard time I am having is trying to get my head around the fact that at 185 pounds I will not longer be obese.

What kind of a head game is it, anyway? It's just a number, a BMI. One more or less pound (which could be water or constipation or PMS) does NOT change my body, who I am, what I look like, how I feel physically. One silly pound makes zero *real* difference in my life. But in my head, it is the world.

I realized this yesterday as I was pacing around eating extra slices of cheese and sugar free jellos because I had an overwhelming *drive* to eat although I had ZERO hunger and nothing was calling to me. My head just kept saying, eat, eat, eat. And I had to sit myself down and think about what was going on, and I realized the last time this happened was when I weighed 200 pounds.

I was waiting, excitedly, for that final pound to drop so I could be in "Onederland" as they call it... weighing 199. Not having a 2 in front of my number might not *seem* like a big deal, but it was. It was huge. It was almost all-consuming, and instead of staying right on track or working harder to reach that goal, I started sabotaging myself. Eating more stuff. Feeling this urge to be out of control and just EAT... didn't matter what. I binged and set myself back like, a week. But I figured out what was going on and decided to stay off the scale completely for awhile and just let it happen. And it did.

It's like I needed a little more time to be *ready* to see 199. And now, I think this weird mental thing is happening again.

I have been obese (and up through morbidly obese) for SO LONG. I think it's been 13 years. That is a HUGE chunk of my life, more than half of my adulthood. My *identity* has been "obese." As much as I hate the word... how ugly it feels, how judgemental, even though it is a medical term... it was who I was. It is who I am. I am fat, I am the fat girl trying to lose weight. I am the fat mother who keeps screwing up weight loss. I am the obese woman who wants to get thin. I am the one who wants to escape from obesity. And I know this is ridiculous, but in my head, I am all nervous NOT to be obese. I mean, heck, it is even my blog title. Once I escape obesity, then what??? OMG. What will I be, what will I do. I *know* the answers. I still have weight to loose and fitness to gain and work to do on my eating. I am *so* not finished. But some strange deep dark part of me, maybe the part that IS the obese girl, is struggling to stay alive. Is not ready to die.

The weather has cooled off the last couple of days and I have found myself digging in the closet for warmer clothes. I got rid of all my huge clothes but still have some smaller things left that fit me 6 months ago. Guess what. Huge. I put on my favorite zippered sweater/jacket that I have worn in the house almost daily to keep me warm for a couple of years. The shoulder seams are now halfway down my arms and the sleeves hang so long they cover my hands. I was a bit dismayed as I looked in the mirror at this huge baggy thing that used to be so warm and comforting. I put it in the Fat Clothes box. I looked through my sweaters, and found several but even just looking at them I thought, "oh my gosh, I will have to get rid of this, too! It is way too big for me." I did find something that fits, but I really haven't got much in the size I am now. Faced with shopping for smaller clothes *yet again* I feel anxious because even if I find the perfectly fitting, clearance priced clothes I love, I know I won't be able to wear them in a couple of months. It freaks me out a little.

I looked in the mirror in a bathroom yesterday and thought, "gee, I look like an average sized woman. I don't really look obese at all." I sat in a doctor's chair with my daughter the other day, facing a big mirror, and noticed that my upper body looks average sized, my pants are way too big, and the amount of floppy thigh spread when I am sitting is absolutely horrific. They look like big pancakes! Wow, when did this happen?

Don't get me wrong. I am happy and thankful I am losing weight. I think the rate is perfect (7 lbs/month or so). I feel wonderful. I think I look good most of the time. But no one really talks about this negative, scary stuff that happens when your whole body image... in fact your whole mental image of yourself and your identity... completely changes. It is hard. It is strange.

I know I will get through it. I know I am sabotaging myself a bit with the extra cheese yesterday and the 2 mugs of coffee with half and half this morning and I am slightly concerned at how I will behave at the county fair today. I know I can't really binge or eat the crap I used to. I do feel fairly in control. Maybe I just need an extra week to get my head around NOT being obese anymore... eating a bit extra is perhaps my mind's way of delaying it a bit. Being aware is so important. If I had paid attention to my feelings and self sabotage the other umpteen times I tried to lose weight over the last decade, I'd have probably been thin by now. It is really important to pay attention and acknowledge your fears as you lose weight, figure out what is making you uncomfortable and RESPECT that. Work with it... don't try to plow over it or ignore it or you'll binge yourself right back up to where you started. Trust me, I did it enough times.

Hey, I know I am going to get there. I am going to get my head around the fact that I am overweight and not obese anymore. I will embrace the new identity and keep on working towards my goal. As much as I'd like that to happen quickly, I am okay with waiting a week or so if that's what my mind needs.

A Conversation in a Restaurant

My little girl (emphasis on the 'little'... she is quite thin) has always loved Indian food. Even as a baby, she goo gooed and gaa gaaed her way through a dish of "chicken and rice" (chicken makhani) and gnawed piece after piece of naan bread. When she wouldn't eat anything else, she'd surely eat that! The Indian restaurant here has a lunch buffet that's pretty great, and I used to go with my daughter and husband about once a week and eat plate after plate of creamy curry over rice. Love the stuff. And the naan is to die for: fresh off the Tandoor, steaming hot, crispy and doughy with butter brushed over the top. I cannot even tell you how much food I used to pack away when we went there, but I would estimate that it was 4-5 full plates of creamy stuff on rice, a bowl of salad with dressing, a Mango drink, 8 large circles of naan, and 2 little desserts. After I started blogging and counting calories, I found that I was satisfied with 1-2 plates, focusing on curried veggies but always saving space for a piece of naan.

Today we ran errands. I took my daughter to her gymnastics class and we did some shopping. It was lunchtime and guess where we were? Near the Indian restaurant. My daughter wanted to go there for lunch. We haven't gone in months (maybe 2 times this year) so I said yes, and off we went. I figured I'd focus on salad and chicken. We sat down to eat, and it went like this:

Me: Mmmm, this chicken is so good. But oh the creamy sauce is rich and fantastic, I could eat it like soup!
Myself: Yeah, I guess it isn't too bad without any rice. But check out the fried pakoras!
Me: No thanks, that's off plan. I don't like fried stuff.
Myself: Don't like fried stuff?? Who are you trying to kid, lady?
Me: I don't need it. They never taste that good anyway.
Myself: Those fried donut balls in syrup always taste good!
Me: No sugar. Boy, am I enjoying this chicken! And the salad is fresh and crisp.
Myself: The dressing is off plan! I bet it is high in fat. May as well have a donut ball now.
Me: Nah, I didn't use much dressing, I will count it as a condiment, it's fine. Yum, these cucumbers are so good!
Myself: Look at that naan your daughter is eating. Boy that looks yummy.
Me: Yeah it does. But it's not fresh, it has sat on the buffet awhile. I only really like naan fresh.
Myself: So what? Dip it in the sauce.
Me: Nah.

(enjoyed eating in silence for awhile, getting full)

Myself: Dude! They JUST brought out steaming fresh, hot naan!
Me: Oh, yeah, wow, that looks really good.
Myself: You totally should have a piece.
Me: Well, maybe a small piece. I do LOVE hot fresh naan and I haven't had any other carbs today.

(went up to the buffet, brought back hot, fresh naan)

Me: Oh, this is nice and chewy and crisp.
Myself: Yeah! Eat more of that! Hurry before other people eat it all! Go back up and get more just in case!
Me: Nah, one small piece is enough.
Myself: No it isn't!
Me: I am full, and you know what, this naan is not as good as I remembered it. I don't want anymore.
Myself: HA!!! YOU WENT OFF YOUR DIET!!  YOU'RE OFF PLAN!
Me: Hmmmm.
Myself: You screwed up! Failure! Hey, remember those cookies and brownies and stuff at that bakery??
Me: Um, yeah. Yum...
Myself: Now that you're off plan, you may as well go there and get something! Just a brownie, a slice of cake, a few cookies...
Me: Maybe. Maybe I will do that. I AM off plan already...
Myself: Yeah, go have what you want and start fresh tomorrow. Today is ruined anyway.
Me: Ruined? No, wait, today is not ruined...
Myself: Yes it is, screw up!
Me: If I went to that bakery I don't know what I'd get.
Myself: A cookie dipped in chocolate and pecans!
Me: No, actually, those are probably sort of dry and crumbly under the chocolate, and I don't like that kind of cookie...
Myself: A nanaimo bar, then.
Me: Ugh, no, that's so sugary and greasy I think it would make me sick.
Myself: That chocolate cup with mousse in it!
Me: Nah, if I get one of those I want to share it with my kids
Myself: A brownie then, or heck, just get 5 things and take a bite of each and only eat the best one!
Me: (sigh) Ya know, nothing there would taste very good anyway.
Myself: Are you NUTS?
Me: I am fine. I had ONE piece of naan the size of a small slice of bread, there is nothing immoral about that.
Myself: Ugh! Shut up, go get a cheesecake!
Me: Nah, I am fine. I really just want to go home.
Myself: Well then just get some dark chocolate!
Me: No, I am okay. I am going home and staying on plan.

(exit, went home, stayed on plan)

Food Exposure is a MAJOR Problem

Lately, I have discovered something about myself. While I *am* much more in control of my actions, and even my thoughts, I still have a serious issue with getting triggered when I am overexposed to food. I dunno if this is normal, or just me, or a binge eating disorder thing, but I want to explain it. And I need to figure out if it is fixable, or how to make it more tolerable.

What I mean by food exposure is any image of food that is planted in my mind. It could be seeing a bag of chips on the counter, or some grated cheese in the fridge. It could be a picture of a food in a shiny magazine ad or in a TV commercial. When I was still eating fast food, I'd get seriously triggered by any Taco Bell or McD's or pizza commercials to the point that I would see the commercial and bolt out the door to get the food, or at least be obsessing about it until I could have it. Sometimes, all it takes is hearing about a food, smelling it, or reading on someone's blog that they ate it, and I'd get triggered into major obsession on THAT PARTICULAR food item. I *had* to have it, and it would bug me for hours or days.

This has been moderated a lot by eating very low carb. I have mentioned before how I can go somewhere and see donuts and they no longer affect me; they may as well be rocks sitting there on the table for all I care. And when the food thoughts enter my mind, I have a much easier time dismissing them and forgetting about them. Usually, even if I see and want a food, if I walk away I have forgotten all about it within 5 minutes. So I guess the major obsession is pretty much gone. I've definitely made progress.

However, once that problem dissipated, a new layer emerged: my low tolerance for food exposure. Let me try to explain.

If I lived alone, and if money were no issue, I think I'd have very few triggers. I would go to a store where they don't have massive amounts of samples or baked goods or other stuff that bothers me. I could just buy my groceries and come home and ONLY have healthy stuff in the house. Every time I opened a cabinet there would be healthy stuff. I could eliminate the TV, magazines, and trips to the mall where I get assaulted by food exposure. I don't think my mind would wader to candy bars and pizzas very often. I am really okay with eating healthy stuff prepared in a yummy way.

But bring in other people who buy groceries, and suddenly I am dealing with a lot more food exposure in my own home. Yes, I have done all the usual suggestions... talking, asking, making a special cabinet for 'their' food... but I still end up seeing and smelling a lot of stuff that is just Food Exposure. People cook pancakes and fry bacon. They bake garlic bread. They leave their frosted coconut bread sitting on the counter. They have bowls of shredded cheese and refried beans in the fridge. It's life. I pretty much deal with it. It doesn't bother me enough to set me off to a binge anymore.

But if you throw in there all the other stuff, sometimes I feel absolutely over the edge. They talk about gooey pizza, and their friend's recipe for lasagna. They leave fast food ads lying around and watch TV with lots of food commercials. And then I go shopping and nearly lose it. Today at the store was one of those times.

I was getting salad stuff which is right next to the bakery stuff and my eyes grazed across the donuts, the brownies, the frosted cookies, the chocolate cake. I got away from there and went to get frozen veggies and saw all the frozen cinnamon rolls, ice cream with candy in it, hot fudge on the end of the aisle, frozen pizzas, and sausage biscuits. I went to get a loaf of whole wheat bread and right next to it was those fried lemon pies, powdered donuts, more cookies, Little Debbie Cakes... oh my gosh, I was about to flip. I went to the CANDY aisle (yeah, not great) because I promised one of my kids I'd pick up some sour gummy things (birthday) and I saw all this freaking chocolate, and chocolate coated nuts, and bags and bags and bags of candy.... and I started losing it. In sheer desperation, I started grabbing bags of "sugar free" candy and reading the labels. Sugar free Almond Joys, Baskin Robbins hard candies, Dove raspberry chocolates... I was grabbing them and holding them like some kind of security blanket, and I felt this desperation, and I could actually SEE myself in the car eating the whole bag of sugar free Almond Joys... and I honestly had to FORCE myself to just drop the bags on the shelf and get away from it. I was telling myself, "you'll be ok, that's just not a good idea." I got in the cracker aisle (because part of the "school supply" list this year is CRACKERS!) and saw all those salty, fatty, crunchy crackers and I wanted them SO bad. I went to the deli for roast turkey and when I saw the macaroni salad for 99 cents I almost cried. I was standing there trying to figure out HOW I could EVER have a binge with ALL those things I wanted. I was thinking, "I'd have to have like one bite of each thing, and then I'd STILL get sick! It would cost me fifty bucks and I'd be throwing away 90% of it because I cannot eat that much volume anymore!" I found myself suddenly distraught that my ability to really BINGE has been taken away from me. And I wondered if I was losing my sanity.

I got out of there and in the car I ate a mini Babybel light cheese (one piece) and a slice of beef salami... totalling about a hundred calories, and no carbs. I sat there and wondered, how am I ever going to be normal? Yeah, sure, I can avoid the binges now really well. Yeah I can usually cope and not obsess. But when I get overexposed to too many foods all in one day, I start flipping and wanting to binge, desperately. Oh so desperately. The only difference now is, I don't actually do it. I guess that is a very significant difference. I guess over time, maybe I won't flip out like this. Eventually, I WILL let myself have a bite of things I want, or incorporate them back into my daily intake in a moderate way. And I hope that quells the crazygirl inside me who is scared she might NEVER get another bite of macaroni salad again, in her whole life.

Not being physically *able* to binge the way I used to is honestly like a dream come true. I never thought it would really happen. But in another way, it is my worst nightmare. It feels like being locked alone in a dark cellar. It's terrifying and feels like someone stole something that was precious to me. But, in fact, it was never taken. I healed myself a bit, somehow, and got my wish. I still am sort of mourning the loss of the binge. The binge was my best friend, my lover, my secret pleasure. But I'll be okay. It gets easier every day and I am better off without it.

Busy Day

It's late. I got home not too long ago after 12 hours away, and I am so tired! I had to take my daughter for an appointment with her eye specialist (checking up yet again on ROP - retinopathy of prematurity) and GOOD NEWS! The doctor said all is well, her ROP has resolved without treatment and she no longer needs to travel to see him unless there is a vision problem in the future. Her eyes look GREAT and she is discharged from his care! Woohoo!!!!!!!!! THRILLED!

Five hours driving, three hours at the doctor, three hours at the park playing, and one hour at a restaurant. Just me and my girl... we had a fun day. The driving sucked a bit, but I took along my Medifast food, bottled water, and a picnic lunch for us (hers was peanut butter & honey on wheat, whole wheat crackers & pretzels with hummus, a breakfast bar, and a juice box). We fed the birdies her crusts and the little finches and wrens came right up to her, "because I am a Princess," she said. "I have birdie friends just like Cinderella and Snow White." Indeed she is a princess, down to her long golden hair and sparkly painted toes! We played and walked and enjoyed the weather after her appointment before the long drive home in the dark. It was a good day.

We stopped at Perkins for dinner and I had a really great salad: loads of spinach, sliced fresh mushrooms and tomatoes, diced grilled chicken chunks, and a sliced hard boiled egg with Balsamic vinaigrette on the side. It also had real crumbled bacon on it, which is not on plan for me but I totally love bacon and I compensated by using very little of the dressing and not having a snack today. It was a delicious salad!

Hours in the car usually brings water retention, and then there is that salt in the bacon as well. But I ate very well today, really, and got a lot of activity in. I am going to bed shortly but totally looking forward to my daily weigh ins over the next few days. Will I *finally* get to 185 pounds and escape obesity? Will I?? We'll see :)

Not Lazy... but Tired!

After yesterday's post and all the interesting and thought provoking comments I received, I have come to a new awareness about myself.

I like to relax! I spent a decade of single motherhood with very little relaxation, and then my daughter's infancy was anything but relaxing, and now, yeah! I like to relax. I relish the freedom of NOT having to live by the clock (I stopped wearing a watch, in fact, as it had started to feel like some sort of jail chain to me). But I want to be more active, as Camevil put it in her comment, less sedentary. I do a lot in the day... laundry, mopping, cooking, errands, and playing, too. With five kids (one has moved out, I have a 20 year old, can you believe that?) I am always trying to get something done. But that doesn't sub for real exercise.

I don't think one has to go to a gym, run on a treadmill, or do aerobics classes to qualify as having exercised. You can get that in by playing a sport or dancing or swimming or whatever, but it has to get your heart rate up to be really beneficial. And none of those things will firm up those muscles like strength training will! I took two walks yesterday totalling 1.5 miles, which is great, but really I need to do more for my health and for the firmer body I desire.

So why not? Frankly, I am tired. I can get the housework done, which is more than I can say for myself when I was morbidly obese. I do more now at 41 than I did in my early 30's when I was more out of shape. I can even mop the entire house AND vacuum all in one morning. I can get out and take a walk. But throw in the option of biking for a half hour or lifting weights and suddenly I am like... ughhh, I don't wannaaaaaaaa!!! I am too tired.

It's a vicious cycle. If you don't exercise, your energy levels are lower, so you're too tired to exercise. But once you start biking or moving more... and especially lifting weights (even for 15 minutes 3x a week at home) you start feeling a lot more energized. So I am on it.

I always tell myself, "when I am a normal weight, THEN I will want to exercise more." Um, I am very close to a 'normal' weight. Time to get going. So, some of you old timers remember that, like, more than a year ago I was trying to create a fitness room/area with my weights all set up in an area the little kids in my home would not access and hurt themselves on? And I never quite got it done. Well, my youngest is old enough (5) to reliably not touch stuff she is told not to, and I moved one of my sons into a different bedroom last week. I now have a FREE ROOM that I can do anything with! It's small, but it is big enough to be an exercise room/office, with my bike, my weights, the desk and pc and filing cabinets in there. Maybe even a small TV so I am not bored while biking. I will have it all set up within 30 days, so that when bad weather strikes I will have NO excuse not to exercise. And I will be strength training again! I am excited. Nag me about it if I don't mention it in 2 weeks.

My tiredness will get better. I take B12 and D3 and fish oil, but there is no substitute for really working that heart and those muscles. Anyone with me on this? I challenge you to ramp up your activity by the end of 30 days! Make a plan, and get going. We will feel so much better!

Scale says: 186!

Maybe I Am Lazy?

Sometimes I have gotten on myself for being "lazy." In fact, over the past few days I have felt a little tired and not motivated to *do* much, and then the thought starts leaking into my head: maybe I am just lazy. Maybe that's my nature.

I have to really think hard about this. Has laziness contributed to my weight issues? Hard to say. I want to tear this apart a little, so if you've ever wondered if you're lazy, follow along.

When I was morbidly obese, I spent an awful lot of time sitting on the couch. I'd watch TV, be on the computer, read, watch my kids play, help them with homework... all from my seat on the sofa. Why? Because it hurt to move. It left me out of breath to get up and walk outside. I would send my kids downstairs to bring up the laundry or get their brother or bring me some item because it was nearly impossible for me to go down the stairs and back up myself without being exhausted and maybe even hurting myself. When I went out to run errands, I'd do ONE errand, then come home. If I did two (say, go to two different stores) it wiped me out for the day. If I got food, it was from a drive thru so I wouldn't have to get out of the car.

When did this behavior start? I guess when I had so many little kids (4 kids in 5 years) and no husband when the baby wasn't even 2 yet PLUS started gaining weight (into the 220's). It was then that I got tired. It was then that I got "lazy." Or did I?

People who've known me over the past 20 years would argue that I am absolutely NOT lazy. Never have been. In my teens I met my first husband who was a dairy farmer and spent countless days waking at 3am to help milk the cows and clean the barn (aka shovel sh*t), then go back up to the house at 6am to start making breakfast for my 3 stepchildren so I could wake them, get them ready for school, and put them on the bus. Then I'd clean the house and go back out for some more farm work.

Shortly after we married I was pregnant, and in the late summer I'd be out in our acre garden picking corn and raspberries with my new baby son in tow. One, two, three babies later I was still living the country dream... pulling carrots and cutting asparagus with my toddlers, canning peaches and tomatoes in vast quantities for winter, quilting by hand on big wooden frames in my living room, and hanging the laundry out to dry on the line in the backyard. I tended the chickens, goats, sheep, and the occasional random pet runt pig or injured foal from the auction. When my friends were sick or had babies, I went over and brought them dinner or cleaned their house or babysat for them. I taught Sunday School and made bread from scratch. Over the course of those years when my children were 5 and under, I also had five foster children who I cared for and loved to the best of my ability... not all at once, only one or two at a time, but they were all part of our lives.

And then we moved away from our country home to the suburbs far away. I turned 27. And I ended up divorced.

Poverty, meals from the food bank, working for minimum wage and then going to college for five years to get my degrees happened next. I was not lazy. I worked so very, very hard not only to graduate magna cum laude but also to raise four children who did not FEEL like we were poor or they had a working mom or they were lacking in any way. I took them on camping trips. I went to every soccer, baseball, flag football, and basketball game, watched every swimming lesson, applauded at every concert, attended every school function. I raised four fantastic children, two of whom had life altering medical diagnoses in that time, with trips to faraway hospitals and countless sessions of therapy and visits to doctors. I did it alone. No grandparents, no aunts or uncles, no one raised those children but me. And I am proud of that. A lazy person couldn't have done that.

And then I remarried and had my fifth child who was born so early that she was two and a half pounds, on a ventilator, and then on oxygen for five and a half months. She might not make it, they said. You can't breastfeed her, they said. She will always need medications and she won't be able to play sports, they said. But I persevered. I knew no one could care for her as I could, and I devoted the next two years of my life to her care, her medicating, her trips to the heart, lung, kidney, and eye specialists. I breastfed her for almost 2 years, I sheltered her while her nearly nonexistent immune system had time to develop, and I made sure she had all the love and interaction a baby could possibly need. And I got supremely obese.

I sat on the couch a lot, but I was holding her while she was tethered to an 8-foot oxygen tube. In order for me to move to another room, I had to bring the baby AND her large metal oxygen tank, her heart monitor, and her oxygen monitor. I lived in a 16 foot radius for 6 months. I barely left the house, but look at her now. Healthy, smart, beautiful, perfect. She DOES play sports. She does NOT need medications. She is great. I am so proud. How could a lazy person accomplish that? She couldn't.

I wasn't lazy. I was restrained by circumstances.

Nowadays, I have it easier than I ever have in my life. And some days, I do sit on the couch and surf the web and goof off and not do a whole lot. I don't think it's laziness, though. I think I am enjoying life and sometimes that just means being quiet and not always DOING stuff. Make sense?

I do have to be careful not to waste a whole day not moving though. "An object at rest tends to stay at rest", says Newton's first law, and while he didn't have ME sitting on the couch in mind when he stated this fact, it is true nonetheless. If you are sitting in a lump you will tend to remain sitting in a lump. UNLESS, says Newton, it is acted upon by an external force. That's important. So maybe if someone comes along and shoves you off the couch you will get into motion. Or maybe if your BRAIN tells you, "hey, time to get moving" and you are acted upon by your own conscious decision to move, then you will move. But it is important for us not to just remain at rest all the time. It's a good thing to get up and move frequently. So if you're on the computer too much (as I have been), try setting an alarm for yourself: a kitchen timer, the microwave timer, or an online timer with an alarm so that every 10-15 minutes it goes off, you get up and do ONE thing. Anything. Wash a dish, vacuum, step outside, walk around the block, clean a toilet. And if you do that you'll be moving more and not staying in a lump all day. But I digress...

I have to conclude that no, I am certainly NOT lazy. I am a hard worker who is currently focused on losing weight, raising kids, and getting to know myself. Maybe I sit and relax more than I ever have in my life, but you know, I think I've earned it. And life isn't always going to allow me this luxury, so I will enjoy the Slow Life while I can. I do see the need for improvement on the exercise front, though. I will definitely work on that.

I hope you will take inventory of YOUR life, your accomplishments, and your personality to see if, in fact, there is a laziness issue. If there is, it can be changed. But odds are, you're doing better than you think!

Weigh-In, and Seeing the Real Me

This morning I weighed in at 187 pounds: a new low! I am pretty happy with that. I didn't weigh last week because I was on vacation, but 2 weeks ago I weighed 188. So that is a 1 pound loss for 2 weeks... slow, but considering that 10 out of the last 14 days were on vacation, I am satisfied that the scale went down instead of up! That's 4 pounds so far in August. Might not seem like much, but when I remember the weeks and months and almost 2 years of not losing *anything* even while working hard at it, I feel pretty blessed that I have found something that is working for me to consistently see a loss every month. I have lost 7 pounds every month for the last 4 months, and 15 pounds when I started Medifast in March. It is adding up. Consistency is the key! Even a pound a week over a year is 52 pounds gone off your body, so hang tough. It's worth it!

I saw something interesting in the mirror the other day. I saw the girl I was at 19 years old, back in college, with the long curly hair and the pretty blue eyes. Back when I got over about 230 pounds, my face seemed deformed to me... distorted by the extra fat hanging under my jawbone and cheekbones so that when I smiled I got this weird crease between my fat cheeks and my chin. I hated it when I saw that in pictures... I was like, "what is UP with my face???" It was so puffy and altered to the point that people who used to know me might not recognise me right away. So round, red, spotted with acne from the sugary greasy diet I was consuming. I couldn't find the bones that defined my face.

It's funny, but even though I am 40-something pounds heavier than I was in college, my face finally looks the same again. I see what I wanted to see all this time. Fairly clear skin, bright eyes, cheekbones and a chin without a bunch of hanging, puffy flesh all around the bones. The U-shaped line is gone when I smile. Yeah, I am 22 years older, and I see some fine wrinkles. I am obviously not 19 anymore. But when I look in the mirror now, I see ME. It is so good to recognise myself again.

My body is a different story. Some parts of me are so much bigger than they were at 187 pounds going UP the scale... my thighs and upper arms still look like they belong to someone who is quite obese. I do not have the firm skin I had before, so things droop a bit more than they used to. I guess my weight is distributed a lot differently now: not much in my face/neck/shoulders and waist, but a lot in the lower belly, thighs and upper arms. Parts of me look 150 pounds, parts look 230 pounds, and the parts in between look deflated. And I am okay with that. I think it is important to make these observations for my own mental health. If you avoid the mirror, or pretend you look like something you don't, you are going to be freaked out or disappointed someday when it dawns on you what has happened to your body. So stay aware.

At any rate, yesterday I dug out a couple of shirts I'd gotten a loooong time ago. One is olive green with pink flowers on it... a simple tee with a curvy cut to the waist. I got it for free from a website targeted to teenagers, and when it came in the mail I held it up and thought, ah, this is never, ever going to fit, even if I get thin. It looks tiny. My own young teen sons wouldn't even fit into something that small. But I folded it and put it away, because it was pretty and maybe I'd make something out of it or give it to some teen girl someday. Yesterday, I found it. I held it up. Still looks awfully skinny but I thought I'd see... could I get it on?

I got it on. It is body hugging but it FITS, and when I looked in the mirror I exclaimed "oh my gosh! holy crap!" over and over. I turned away, looked again, exclaimed some more. I am just in shock at how thin my waist looks... how curvy and sexy my body has become. I would NOT wear this shirt in front of anyone right now because I think it would be kind of attention-drawing (I mean, holy crap!) but wow. Maybe I will wear it for pictures on my blog someday :) I cannot believe it fits me. I just can't!

Only two more pounds to lose, and I will have an 'overweight' BMI rather than an 'obese' one. I will have finally, truly, escaped from obesity.


*FTC-required disclosure: Medifast provided me with its products for my personal use for free. Medifast states an "average weight loss of up to 2 to 5 pounds a week."*

The Bakery

Yeah,*another* post today! I totally missed blogging while I was away and I have a lot of stuff rattling around in my head.

Today I went school and grocery shopping with some of my kids. I was in the usual store, which has a small bakery in the back corner. They have some nice whole grain breads, etc, so I wandered back there (the organics are next to the bakery as well). They also give out free cookies to children, so when the kiddos asked, we walked over to the bakery counter. I have been to this bakery counter hundreds... probably thousands of times in the 14 years I have lived here. It's never had much that appealed to me. Even back in my 278-pound, binge-eating days, I didn't get much from this bakery. They have a glass cabinet filled with boring, Walmart-esque cakes and some other random ick, and the only times I ever got binge food from there I didn't even finish it because it was boring and blah. Same old whipped pudding layered with cake, or tiramisu wannabe.

(If you are going to flip out and binge if you read descriptions of sugary food, skip this next paragraph!! You've been warned.)

Well, guess what. They changed things since I was last in there. Now there are TWO glass cabinets plus some big glass cookie jars on top. And the stuff in cabinet #2 made my eyes pop out of my head. My son was BEGGING me to buy goodies, and I was looking at all the new, exciting treats in there and I actually thought, "if I ever binge again, I am coming HERE." I stared longingly at HUGE brownies layered with nuts and caramel, fancy cupcakes with delightful-looking toppings, and nanaimo bars (an old binge favorite... wanna kill yourself with fat and sugar? Here's your best tool!). In the bottom of the cabinet, they had little 6-ounce coffee cups MADE OF CHOCOLATE and filled with mocha filling, topped with whipped cream. I thought I would die right there. My old fat girl in my head was just chomping at the bit here, planning a giant binge of classic sorts... "one of those, one of those, two of those, one of those..." she said (and in real life, last time she did this at a different store several years ago, she made sure to hint to the baker that she was having a party and sampling many things she was considering for the party, by asking, "now, if I decide on one of these items can I call ahead and have a few dozen made to pick up?" Shameful.) Anyway, when my eyes rested on those glass jars on top of the cabinet, filled with cookies dipped in dark chocolate and rolled in pecans, I heaved a *really big* sigh, and wandered away.

I *knew*.... I know... I cannot eat that crap. Ever. I would get violently ill if I did that. I am pretty sure I would not enjoy it due to a) guilt and b) nothing tasting as good as it looks. I was not seriously tempted nor considering actually BUYING any of that stuff, but there is something curious that happens when I get a lot of food stimulation. The fat binge eater comes out in my head and pretends she is going to binge. She drools. She picks out all the things she wants. And then, I put her back in her closet. She and I are not the same person anymore. We used to be... and in fact, until recently, I did feel a kinship and a oneness with her. But now she is a shadow of her former self... just a ghost in the closet... an apparition that I can see through and set aside. She is the worst, out-of-control parts of me, left behind. I brought all her good qualities with me into my new life.

I still want stuff. I still indulge or overdo it sometimes. My kid is eating nachos at the table right now and I'd love to have some. And someday I will. Heck, I might even buy a little chocolate coffee cup full of mocha cream from that bakery someday just for the sake of trying a bite. But it won't be with the same as it used to be. It'll be buying one item, with my family in tow to share it with. No more secret eating. No more self abuse.

I am glad I wandered over to that bakery counter. I learned a little more about myself and how I have grown, and even though those treats are a new awareness in my head now, I don't have to act on them. They no longer drive me to binge.

Update, and Physical Endurance

Well, I made it back to 188 pounds today, which is what I weighed when I left on vacation. I guess this is what most 'normal' people do... gain 2 pounds on a 10 day vacation and then lose it pretty fast when they get home. Maybe that's what maintenance is about: not NEVER gaining a pound on a special occasion, but minimizing it and taking care of it instead of ignoring it and continuing to gain. I feel pretty good about this. It is the best I have ever done on a long vacation, and actually my midsection still feels kind of bloated so I think I am still retaining water. Maybe I will hit a new low on Sunday! That would be exciting.

My little one is sick with a sinus infection and ear infection. I am running on very little sleep as she is up in the night coughing a lot. School starts in just over a week, and I have to get my kids all out to shop for clothes, shoes, backpacks, and school supplies! And when my little one is well, she needs her shots to start Kindergarten. It's a busy time of year for us, but one I am energized to take on as soon as my daughter is well.

I had an interesting experience when I was hiking this year. You may remember two summers ago when I hiked a 1.8 mile steep trail in the forest. I weighed 214 pounds at the time, and while it was quite a workout, I did not need to sit down or stop and I got to the top just fine. I was fully expecting to *race* through that path this year since I weigh 26 pounds LESS than I did last time, but it was actually more difficult for me. Yes, I made it without sitting but I did need to stop for a minute to breathe near the summit. And my legs did not have as much strength and endurance as they did before. I was perplexed. Then I realised that 2 years ago, I was in the midst of a very regular exercise routine. I was riding my exercise bike 6 days a week for about 7 miles. I think I was also strength training. But this year I have let the exercise slide quite a bit as I focus on my eating. I have not been biking at all nor have I strength trained in several months. I do take walks... it has become my preferred form of exercise because I so enjoy the good weather. I try and walk 1-2 miles several times a week plus I am more active in my general daily life. But I could seriously tell that my leg muscles are not as in shape as they were when I was biking. Guess I will have to get back on that! It probably affects me in my daily life more than I realise.

I'm off to get stuff done! Have a great weekend.

I Saved the Granny Panties

All this time, I have had a secret lurking in my underwear drawer. For the past three years, as I culled my Fat Clothes and got rid of the pants that were ten sizes too big and the 3X-4X shirts, I never really got rid of the too-big underwear. I mean, hey, it is underwear... no one sees it, it can fit for a long time, and besides, what do you do with the pretty ones that no longer fit? It is easy to toss the ugly, ratty ones in the trash but what about the silky ones in colors I liked? I didn't feel right about trying to sell them with my other fat clothes on Craigslist... just too weird. And even the not-so-pretty ones stayed in the drawer "in case of emergency." As a result, my underwear drawer has started to overflow with five sizes of panties. Crazy.

I remember back when I was 278 pounds and went shopping for new panties. For more than a decade I'd been using a brand that was only sized by measurement (and was wearing ones that were too small and rather old) so when I finally went to the store to buy some normal ones, I remember being so pleased with myself for fitting into a size 14! Wow, I wasn't fat at all... size 14 was skinny, right? I wore size 14 jeans when I was relatively thin. Little did I know that underwear is NOT sized like jeans. I still don't really understand it, but as close as I can figure, your panty size is about HALF your jean size. Thus when I was in 26/28 pants I wore size 14 underwear. But I thought I was thin. Oh, the mind games we play.

I had some 15's, too. But as I lost weight my sizes have gone down... 15, 14, 12, 10, 9, 8, going on 7. Sevens looks *dramatically* different from even 10's, let me tell you. The bigger sizes had enough fabric to make a small pillowcase out of, but as the sizes decrease, not only is the waistband smaller but the amount of fabric is, too. I actually feel like a normal person when I pull out my underwear to put on, rather than like I am gathering the sail from a boat that I have to fold into sixths to put away.

All this is great, but what is odd is that all this time, I kept the granny panties. Like I said, I didn't know what to do with them. Some were 'too nice' to throw away. But today I was digging around in there are couldn't find the right size. It is just ridiculous to hang onto all of those panties that are so huge. Even on the rare occasion (late laundry day) when I resorted to wearing the big ones, they felt like I was wearing boxer shorts under my pants. The amount of fabric is just not doable and the edges threaten to hang out over my waistband in scrunched folds. I look like I have a muffin top but it's just extra underwear sticking out.

So today I purged the drawer. I sorted out everything from oversized 10's to 14's and made a pile. It was strangely difficult to do this. Some of these panties I *thought* were very pretty when I bought them, but seriously, two of me could fit in them now. So I took a good dozen of them and threw them in the trash. It made me kind of sad in a hard-to-describe way. In fact, I actually saved 4 pairs of rather large size 10's and stuck them in the back of the drawer 'just in case.' I guess I will purge them later, when I get my head around it.

All this time I had the granny panties in there and it was some kind of way for me to hold onto the past. It was the one part of my wardrobe that was familiar and comforting, that I didn't have to get rid of as I lost the weight. As I sold my jeans, my sweaters, my dresses that held many memories, I hung onto those silly panties because they were the *only* thing that didn't change, even if I never wore them. I'd look in the closet and everything was unfamiliar, but open the underwear drawer and see what I've always seen. It was an odd comfort.

I am getting better at letting go and accepting the changes in my body and my life. This process has been wonderful and terrifying all at once, but because I have taken it slowly and carefully, listening to my feelings and being aware of the evolution of my thoughts, it has been successful. And I feel great about that.

The 20 bras in the Rubbermaid tote in 8 sizes? That's another matter for another day :)

What I Ate, and Weight Head Games

I am so excited to be home! I cannot believe how different I feel after a vacation. I used to come home exhausted and bummed to get back to "real life." I used to walk in the door and hate having to clean and deal with all the dust (I am terribly allergic and sensitive to dust. I even get nosebleeds if I don't keep my bedroom relatively dust-free.) But yesterday, I walked in, felt completely refreshed and actually excited to get back to my beautiful life. I cleaned out the fridge and started dusting last night, and this morning I have already started on the laundry, cleaned two bathrooms and mopped the floors upstairs. And I feel great! SO energized and alive. This is what life is supposed to be like.

It's funny, when I was still on vacation (and the last few days I admit my eating was quite high carb and off plan), I started "feeling fat." I started worrying that I would go back over 200 pounds because of all the food I was eating. I started having these negative thoughts, and every time I got dressed I fully expected my clothes to be too tight to wear. But they weren't. I put on my jeans, and they fit the same. I had to have a little talk with myself. "Listen, self. You have to be realistic. You are off plan a bit but you're not binge eating. Your body looks and feels THE SAME. Your clothes fit THE SAME. You are NOT 200 pounds. You have NOT gained a bunch of weight, even though your head is telling you that you have. Your body IS NOT FATTER." And when I stepped on the scale this morning, feeling bloated, retaining water a bit, and fearing the worst, I was pleasantly surprised with 190. That's up 2 pounds, but I know that with all the exercise I did I actually LOST some fat. Once the water bloat is gone, I'll have a new low, probably by Sunday.

Now for a little summary of how I ate. My goal was to stay on Medifast as closely as possible, and if it became difficult to get the foods I needed I'd stay low carb at least. I had some excellent moments and some awful ones, but honestly did not let my eating dictate how I felt about myself or how much I enjoyed my vacation. I took a huge box of Medifast food with me as well as a cooler for lean protein and veggies. Some highlights:

On the road, we stopped and had a picnic. I packed sandwiches for the kids, and I enjoyed Medifast pretzels, a bottle of water, and an ounce of low fat cheese as we took in the gorgeous scenery.

In the evening we stayed at a hotel. We got our dinner at a grocery store to prepare in the room. I picked up a grilled chicken Caesar salad (no croutons, half the dressing) and a hard boiled egg. I also bought a bag of fresh broccoli and steamed it in the microwave, and ate half (plain).

The next morning there was a free breakfast at the hotel. I had a hard boiled egg and 2 sausage links (high fat, not on plan, but no carbs). I did not feel deprived of the French toast and cinnamon rolls because I had a cup of plain green tea, some ice water, and a cup of coffee with Splenda and cream in it as well.

Dinner at a restaurant was on plan: baked Halibut with a side of steamed veggies and a garden salad, dressing on the side. The hotel also had an evening buffet and I had a few cheese cubes and some cucumbers & celery dipped in Ranch.

While camping, the kids did the traditional hot dogs & smores over the campfire, and another night I made burgers for them. I did a chicken breast and asparagus in foil for myself, and the next night I made turkey sausages with mustard and ate the rest of that broccoli I brought along. I continued eating my Medifast meals as well, and having low fat cheese as snacks.

Another day we stopped at a place called Pig 'N' Pancake for our big meal of the day. The kids all had pancakes, burgers, etc. I ordered an omelet (they didn't have Egg Beaters) filled with broccoli, peppers, mushrooms, and squash with some Jack cheese. I also had 2 pieces of bacon (not on plan, but omg so good). I drank my coffee with Splenda and cream. We hiked over 3 miles on this day and I had a slice of ham wrapped around some light cheese as a snack.

At one point we visited a favorite ice cream factory that we have gone to every time we hit the coast for the past 11 years. They have a flavor of ice cream there that you can't buy in stores. It's my favorite ice cream I always used to get 2 scoops on a waffle cone. When we were there, I was seriously debating. One scoop, right? I mean, I can ONLY get this once a year (and didn't get any last year). But then I saw they had sugar free flavors, so I got one scoop of sugar free ice cream and tossed the cone. It was good. I also got one scoop of "the favorite flavor" in a dish with 4 spoons and took ONE bite, and shared the rest with the kids. So I got my fix and was okay.

After this, I started getting a little lax... focusing on low carb but eating a bit more fat than usual. At a cafe, they did not have ANYTHING that wasn't breaded and fried (from frozen) so I had a burger with mushrooms and Swiss cheese (threw out the bun, and ate all the lettuce, pickles and tomatoes that came with it). I ordered a side salad and they forgot to bring it until I had eaten, so I brought that along and had it at dinnertime with a hot dog (no bun). For a snack, I had a tablespoon of peanut butter.

We were back in a hotel after this, and it had an oven in the room so I baked some frozen turkey breast and ate a lot of frozen green beans as well. But I also had a handful of trail mix, a few Sun Chips, some animal crackers, and half a Hershey bar. I think I was getting overwhelmed by all the food exposure (watching the kids eat stuff and being around all the buffets and free goodies). Another day I ate about half a donut and thought I would puke because it was so sugary.

On the final three days of vacation we were staying at a Bed and Breakfast ranch. My eating pretty much fell apart at this point. When I saw that they had no Splenda for the coffee I just shrugged and put some sugar in mine. Breakfast one day was ham, eggs, and a homemade blueberry muffin (half). The next day she made biscuits and gravy. I had oatmeal with brown sugar and pecans. I drank more sugared coffee. We went into town and had milkshakes. Let me tell you, that sucker was WAY TOO SWEET. I drank it anyway, but then felt almost high/swooney from the sugar. I had ice cream on the next day too. And on the way home, you'll be appalled to know that my lunch (from a gas station) was a can of Coke and a cream cheese muffin, followed by half a candy bar. Yikes! :)

As soon as I walked in the door at home, I was 100% back on plan. And I have been since. I have a slight headache from the sugar but am taking Excedrin and staying busy. It's gonna be fine. I am, overall, very pleased with my choices. I don't have to be perfect to be happy OR successful! And I am *so* ready to see the 170's on that scale! It will happen next month, I am sure of it!

It's good to be home.

Because I Can

I love a good adventure. Ever been to the ocean? Have you hiked in the mountains or walked the streets of a real old western ghost town? Have you gone swimming with your children this summer, or explored something new? I have, last week. And I did it because I *can.*

I realized something tonight as I was soaking in my tub in the Pacific bath salts I brought home from the coast. I realized that before, I was always lagging behind my kids. I couldn't keep up with them. Of course, I already knew this on some level. I knew this because I was 278 pounds and unable to walk more than a handful of steps at a time, and I was unable to play with them. I knew that I was sitting and watching them do their thing. I was a spectator. And sometimes I was the one holding them back from fun stuff they wanted to do.

When we went camping, we didn't hike, because I couldn't.
When we stayed at hotels, we didn't swim, because I didn't want to.
When we went to the beach, we didn't stay long, because I didn't want them walking on the beach alone and I was incapable of walking with them.
When we saw interesting things along the road as we drove, we pointed and kept going because I didn't want to get out of the car.
When we went to the lake, the kids begged to rent a boat, but we didn't because I thought I might tip it over.

All the things my kids wanted to do, I was too tired or in too much pain to do with them. On the rare occasion that we did go swimming, it wasn't for long because I wanted to get out. I wasn't having fun. Any trip to the beach or attempt to "hike" a few blocks was cut short because I couldn't walk. "Come on, kids, time to go. Get in the car." They'd want to stay and have fun, but I couldn't.

I knew that losing weight would change things... has changed things. I knew that I can walk and go to the beach now and go swimming. I realized I can keep up with them now pretty well.

But something new dawned on me this evening, thinking over our vacation as I soaked in the tub. I realized that now, I am actually being *held back* by my kids... that I would actually do a lot more and be more active if they could keep up or if they wanted to. THAT is a revelation that shocked me.

Now, don't get me wrong. I wouldn't trade my kids for anything! I adore every moment with them, and wouldn't trade it for 'alone time' to be more active. But isn't it interesting... instead of holding other people back, now I have to hold myself back to accommodate others?

When we went to the zoo, the teens were kind of bored and the little one got tired after maybe 2 hours of walking and looking. We left, but it wasn't because *I* was at my limit. In fact I would have stayed another hour or two, walking around enjoying the exhibits.

When we were at the beach, I wanted to spend all day out there, walking on the sand, going up and down the dunes, finding shells, sitting and resting a bit and continuing on for hours. But my daughter had her fill after a few hours, and my teens didn't seem to think it was as exciting as I did, although they did spend several hours checking tide pools and playing and enjoying the ocean. Yet I'd have kept on going had they not wanted to turn back. And every day I was calling, "come on, guys! Let's go back out for a hike!" and they'd look at me like I grew an extra head. Who is this crazy woman who wants to be on the go all the time? Can't we just sit and watch a movie?

When we hiked in the forest, it was a bit muddy and steep. I loved hiking up the 1.8 mile trail, but was a little chagrined to find that the shuttle bus we usually take back down the mountain had been cancelled. We began walking down the road to get back to our car, which was a 2.5 mile walk... much further than my knees can usually handle. But I felt good and was willing to try it. However, for my kids' sakes, about halfway down we hitched a ride with a park ranger. But yeah, it was fun!

When we went to the lake, I was pressing my kids to rent a boat. When they finally agreed, we went to the rental place and it was closed! I was so excited to rent a rowboat and get in some upper body exercise. I was willing, but the rental guy never showed.

Every time I saw a historical marker or a little stop along the way, I wanted to stop and walk and see it. We did... frequently... but the kids were less than thrilled so we didn't stop and walk as often as I'd have liked. We went to some cool sites and a few ghost towns and walked all over the place. At one point I parked and started walking and my son said, "Mom! Where are you going??" and when I told him where, he exclaimed that it was too far away and couldn't we just drive? We did walk, but I would've walked more had they been more willing.

It makes me smile to know that not only am I *able* to keep up with my kids and even do MORE activity than they care to do, but that I actually *want* it. As I said, I adore my kids, but I used to be scared that when they grew up and had their own lives, I'd have nothing. Everything I did was for them. And without them, what would my life be? No one to take care of. No one to cook for. No one to entertain me with their sports and recitals and concerts. But today I realized that I HAVE A LIFE now, my OWN, individual life with desires and goals and feelings all my own. I can see myself being active when I am older because I want to be. I will swim and hike and boat and ride horses. I will explore and enjoy WITH my kids, and I will also do those things alone. I have a whole new world opened to me now, and I am thrilled to be in it.

And now for a few pictures of our adventures.

One waterfall we hiked to (among many I *wanted* to hike to!)

We did lots of beach walking and I LOVED it!

Walked in the forests as well...

Enjoyed a 'ghost town' which actually has a small population of about 20 people. Used to be a booming city.

I wanted to hike a trail here, but it was too hot for the kiddos.

I did get to walk here, though. I *loved* the peace & tranquility.

I love old barns :)

Oh, and about my eating? Some days were insanely perfect... others, not so much! I plan to share the details! I surprised myself with some perfect protein-and-veggie meals and skipping usual goodies like s'mores at the campfire, but my lunch on the way home today was so devoid of nutrition is is almost appalling! But I feel great about * most* of my choices and think I'll have a decent weigh-in on Sunday. I have not been near a scale or computer since I left home nine days ago. I have *lots* to share!

Honey, I'm Home!

Hey, I'm back from vacation! Just sayin'!

I had comments on moderation while I was away and am publishing them now. Thank you for all the great thoughts! I am uploading some pictures to share. Might get them up later tonight :)

Valiance

It's hard to believe now, but did you know that 12-18 months ago, when I was struggling so hard not to regain all 64 pounds I'd lost by August 2008, I had people leaving me comments and sending me emails saying, "I am not going to read your blog anymore! You aren't losing weight. You used to be an inspiration but you're not anymore." The words stung, because I was *trying* as hard as I could to keep getting the weight off, but I felt like I had this out-of-control binge monster taking over my head. For 20 months I battled, up and down the same 20 pounds, and instead of seeing THAT as somehow valuable, I got, "Your blog isn't inspiring anymore. I am tired of coming here everyday and seeing you gain weight."

I could have quit right then and there. I could have said, "they're right! I am a failure. I can't even get back down to 214 pounds again. I may as well quit." But thankfully, I believed in MYSELF. I knew I needed to go through the process, and if I didn't quit I would somehow figure this crazy thing out and eventually the weight would come off. It HAD to, if I kept working at it... chipping away. And I am so very thankful for the many people who saw through the weight gains and the binges, who saw the true me... the real me, who *could* succeed and would figure it out. Thank you for believing in me, for having faith in me and still reading and being supportive when, for months on end, it looked like I was fighting a losing battle.

It doesn't matter what it looked like. What mattered was NOT GIVING UP. I have said it so many times, and it is such a cliche that people always say "never give up" but really, I mean it! Take it to heart. Keep going and never stop trying, even if people laugh and mock and abandon you because you do not fit some Ideal of The Master Weight Loser who loses weight every week, never eats anything off plan, and has it all figured out. That wasn't me then, and it isn't me now. No one's perfect. I am the same as you are. I struggle. It's a learning process. And if that fails to inspire people, then I wish them the best and hope they find what they are looking for elsewhere.

It's just interesting, I think, because now that I am losing weight, I am inspiring. Now that my waist is smaller, I am worthy of all kudos. But the real inspiration is found in those blog posts when I was struggling, fighting, clawing my way out of the abyss and fighting a mighty battle NOT to regain all those pounds. It was hard. BUT I WON. I won that battle and am losing weight again. The war's not over yet.

If I stop losing weight now, regain ten pounds and struggle for a year, am I any less valiant? No, I don't think so. I am proud of every time I got up off the floor and kept going. I am so proud of that.

So think about it. When you read a blog and you think, "Geez, all this person ever does is make excuses and go off plan," perhaps you are mistaken. They may be wounded but valiant. They may be victorious. Cheer them on... no judgement, just compassion. Lift up the fallen and you raise yourself as well.

"I saw an angel in the marble and carved until I set him free." ~Michelangelo

New Medifast Food Reviews

Last month, Medifast came out with some new food items: four flavors of "soft serve" ice cream and two kinds of pancakes. I was excited to give them a try, since each of the six new items counts as a Medifast 'meal' (I eat five meals per day plus a home-cooked dinner of lean protein, veggies, and healthy fat). I have tried three of the products so far, so here's what I think.

First up, Original Pancakes. As with most Medifast foods, they come in a packet of powder and you add water. The pancakes call for 2 oz water, and then you shake them 5 times in a shaker cup and pour them into a hot pan to cook as you would regular pancakes. You can make 3 small pancakes or one large one. This is what I ended up with:

I use Vermont Sugar Free Low Calorie syrup, which has 15 calories per 1/4 cup (I only use 2 Tbsp as a condiment). Some people like Walden Farms brand, too. Anyway, I thought they were pretty good. Very similar to regular pancakes, but not as fluffy. It's a small portion but it satisfied me until my next meal in 2 hours. The next time I made them, I did this:

Two larger pancakes and a Morningstar Farms soy sausage patty. This was great! Very filling. The sausage patty is 1/3 of my Lean so I subtracted it from my dinner protein.

The pancakes are not super fluffy, but people have had success adding a little baking powder to them before shaking, or simply letting the shaken batter sit for 20 minutes before cooking. They say that gives you fluffier pancakes. I'll try it next time.

Then I got a box of the Chocolate Chip pancakes. These are a little higher in calories (20 more) than the Original. The chips are teeny tiny but plentiful and make a very similar pancake as above. However I also tried making it into a chocolate chip muffin. You add the 2 oz water (I used Club Soda to make them fluffier), shake, and pour into a round glass dish or a coffee mug sprayed with Pam. Then nuke it til done. Mine took about 1 minute 45 seconds. I got this:

Pretty good! I think I like them as pancakes best, though.

Now about that Soft Serve. I have only tried one flavor, granted, and will likely go ahead and try more flavors, but so far this is not on my favorites list. It comes in Peanut Butter, Coffee, Mango, and Mint Chocolate flavors; I got the Peanut Butter. Now, I am a MAJOR peanut butter fan. LOVE the stuff. But I was kind of disappointed in this on a couple of levels. It comes as powder in a packet. You are supposed to crush ice in your blender and then blend the mix and water into the finely crushed ice. Well, my blender won't crush a small amount of ice very well, and I ended up with chunks:

You can kind of see the ice pieces and how it is runnier than the picture. But hey if it tastes great, no problem! Sadly, I did NOT find it very peanut-buttery. However, I have to say that there are as many people who love the flavor of this meal as there are who don't. I guess you'd have to try it yourself to find out.

I saw a tip on making the ice cream without chunks on the Medifast forum: use an ice shaver... the kind that you make snow cones with. So I went ahead and got one. It makes fantastic "snow" and vastly improved the texture of the ice cream, but it was still a bit runny and has sort of a gelatinous feel to it. And the flavor was the same. Sorry, don't like this one at all. But at least I have happy kids making snow cones out of ice and juice!

That's it for today! If you are planning on ordering anything from Medifast, you can use the coupon code LYNESC50 for $50 off a $275 order, good through 8/31. No, I don't get anything out of it if you order... I just figured someone could use the savings!

(I am still on the beach enjoying my vacation! I wrote this post before I left. See ya when I get back!)

*FTC-required disclosure: Medifast provided me with its products for my personal use for free.*

Old Stuff, Resurrected

Ah! You came, even though you *know* I am on vacation til next week! Well, I can't leave you with nothing to read, so here are a few posts from the past that you may enjoy. I hope something here speaks to you :)

February 2008: Isolation by Fatness

June 2008: Walking Reflections

August 2008 (I have changed so much, but take a look, see where I was even a year into this journey, when I had dropped over 60 pounds): Failure is Not an Option

November 2008: Fat Ain't Stupid

December 2008: A favorite (true) story about my father. Dads

And a couple of my most widely read posts from 2009: Fat Acceptance and Slay the Dragon

Be back soon!

A Summer Reading List: My Favorite Books

Summer is a great time to sit and relax with a good book (on the beach?? Yes!) While I'm away and not blogging, I thought I'd give you some *other* great reading material to consider. These are all books that I own and have read myself and I really enjoy them. They're grouped by topic. I linked the titles to Amazon, but if you like the summary and reviews on that site you can always check for these books at your local library. Happy reading!

Weight Loss and Nutrition:

The End of Overeating: Taking Control of the Insatiable American Appetite I highly recommend this book. If you want to really understand the physical reasons why you can't seem to stop eating, read this book!

In Defense of Food: An Eater's Manifesto Another good one, makes you really look at what you're putting in your mouth.

The CalorieKing Calorie, Fat and Carbohydrate Counter 2010 A simple calorie and nutrition guide... just a handbook for when you want to look up the calories in a certain food.

SuperFoods Rx: Fourteen Foods That Will Change Your Life This really did change my life. I am so thankful I found this book and read it early on in my journey. By focusing on what I *should* be eating rather than all the *don'ts*, I was able to shed a lot of weight and transform my eating habits from junk to super healthy foods. Excellent book!

Twinkie, Deconstructed: My Journey to Discover How the Ingredients Found in Processed Foods Are Grown, Mined (Yes, Mined), and Manipulated Into What America Eats I am a geek who likes to read all about what is actually IN what I am eating. This is fascinating and you'll never look at those processed little cakes the same way again.

Cookbooks:

Greens Glorious Greens: More than 140 Ways to Prepare All Those Great-Tasting, Super-Healthy, Beautiful Leafy Greens I like this because greens such as kale, collards, and mustard greens are SO nutritious and low calorie, yet there are so many other greens to try. Lists facts about each vegetable and recipes/preparation tips.

Vegetarian Cooking for Everyone This is a thick book... almost an encyclopedia of vegetarian cooking. I am learning a lot from this one and look forward to trying lots of the yummy-looking recipes.

Strength Training:

Anatomy for Strength and Fitness Training: An Illustrated Guide to Your Muscles in Action Another geek book... I like seeing how muscles work together and where they actually are on my body.

Strength Training for Women This is a great book with exercises you can put together into a routine to do at home.
Weight Training For Dummies A good book for beginners. I liked the simplicity of this guide and I still refer to it when changing up my routine.

Mindful Living:

Peace Is Every Step: The Path of Mindfulness in Everyday Life My favorite author! He is so wise. Living mindfully, we cannot use food as a painkiller anymore.

Full Catastrophe Living: Using the Wisdom of Your Body and Mind to Face Stress, Pain, and Illness Another really good one. This book taught me a new way of thinking. I need to go back and read it again.

Other Random Stuff:

The Snowflake The most awesome photographs of snowflakes EVER!!! My kids also love this. Fascinating!

The Deep: The Extraordinary Creatures of the Abyss My sons and I had a great time looking at all the photos of "sea monsters" that exist in the depths of the seas. Great photography!

Kids' Books:
These are favorites that I read to my daughter ALL the time. They are fantastic books! Several are by the same authors. The Paper Princess series has the most INCREDIBLE artwork. You and your child will never tire of looking at the pictures.

The Lion and the Little Red Bird
Sun Bread
The Puddle Pail
The Paper Princess
The Paper Princess Flies Again: With Her Dog!
Harold and the Purple Crayon
Fancy Nancy

And if you still need some good reading, check out the blogs on my blogroll to the left, or spend some time at the Bethany McDonald Memorial Blogroll making new friends and giving and getting support.

Enjoy your day!