Symbol of Renewal

I have long been a fan of clouds. They're so vast and amazing to me, and so beautiful. They're never the same, and some formations leave me in awe. Every time I get in the car to drive, I point out the clouds to my daughter, ask her about her weather prediction, and listen as she tells me what she sees in the clouds. I really love clouds.

I was taking some time outside today when I noticed an odd formation. It was a cloud of an unusual shape, seeming to arise from a more mediocre, average cloud. It was interesting enough that I took a picture.

I didn't pay much attention to it, but when I looked up again just a few moments later, the formation had changed. What was it, rising from the cloud? Something different. A bird, perhaps?

Yes, I saw it. It looked like a bird, a mythical creature, its wings raised and ready to take flight. I watched as it magically transformed every few minutes.

A phoenix, I thought, as the gentle winds carried to closer and it grew larger, spreading its wings. A phoenix, symbol of transformation, rebirth, renewal.

It rose above me, encompassing the entire sky directly over my head. I sat in awe of its beauty, its might and grace, the way it caught the sunlight, and the absolute vastness of what had been a small cloud in the distance.

And then, the phoenix passed over me and continued its flight. I thought I saw it as it flew away, but I wasn't sure.

Yes, I saw a phoenix in the clouds. I watched it fly away. I drew strength in that vision, that symbol. Out of the fire, a new life rises from the ashes. Transformation. Renewal.

Goodbye, phoenix cloud. I am in the fire and facing ashes, but new life and strength and beauty will rise.

Brief Update

I just wanted to say, I am really not okay right now. Nothing is getting better that I blogged about the other day; in fact my daughter was sicker yesterday and the doctor I had lined up for my son has a conflict so I am starting from scratch trying to find him another doctor. I am also functioning (or NOT functioning) on 3 hours of sleep because I am up half the night with a sick child and then when I finally drift off, the neighbor's dog starts barking and wakes me up... which is why I started my day (unwillingly) at 4:30 this morning.

I don't have much else to say. I feel like my brain is falling apart, I have a massive headache and have this feeling like I cannot carry all this stress for much longer. Other stuff is going on that is not helping.

I didn't post this as a whine session but I know there are some wonderful people reading who truly care about me so I wanted to let you know why I am not writing a decent post today. I am, as of this moment, in control of my eating and not using food to de-stress. However, I am really not okay. Hoping for better soon.

Low Carb Cauliflower Macaroni & Cheese

I have a lot going on today, as you know, so I am going to give you this fantastic recipe post that I wrote last week and saved for just such a day. Hope you like it! Scroll down for a picture :)

I love macaroni & cheese! It's comfort food at its finest. In fact I bet about 20 of the 80 pounds I lost was old fashioned macaroni and cheese! But now that I am eating low carb and including more veggies in my diet, I have to get creative when I get a craving for this delicious, carby, cheesy mess. I am kind of picky about my macaroni and cheese, too. I don't like it to be dry or clumpy; I want creamy, flavorful, saucy stuff. Yes, I do have the good old Butternut Squash Mac & Cheese recipe on my blog, which is fantastic and healthy but it is definitely not low carb.

I've looked online at a lot of recipes, but none of them really hit the spot. So today I took a chance and made up a new recipe. And guess what? It was fantastic! This is my new go-to Cauliflower Macaroni and Cheese recipe from now on!

Wait... did I say cauliflower?? Yes! Instead of noodles, I used fresh steamed cauliflower. The results? Amazing!

"Fake" Baked Macaroni & Cheese (aka Low Carb Cauliflower Mac & Cheese)

Take a half head or so of fresh cauliflower and steam it until it is just tender. Or, cut into chunks, put in a big bowl with a half inch of water, cover and microwave for 5-6 minutes until tender but NOT MUSHY!) Drain, pat dry, cool enough to handle and then rough chop the cauliflower into noodle-sized pieces.

Measure out 1 1/2 cups of chopped cauliflower and set aside. Put the rest away for another use.

In a saucepan over medium-low heat, warm 3 Tablespoons half & half and 1 Tablespoon light cream cheese. Add one slice of 2% American cheese torn in pieces (I used one Kraft 2% Single). Season with a little black pepper and mustard powder; add onion powder and sea salt to taste. Whisk until all melted and creamy but don't let it boil. Keep warm.

Grate 3 oz (3/4 cup) of low fat sharp cheddar (I used Cabot 1%) and 2 oz (1/2 cup) of reduced fat Colby jack or cheddar jack cheese (I used 2% Kraft). Mix the cheeses together. Add most of the cheese to the warm sauce, leaving out just enough to spread over the top of the casserole. Stir the sauce until the cheese all melts. Add the cauliflower and gently fold with a spatula until the cauliflower is covered in sauce. Place mixture in a small casserole dish and top with remaining cheese. Bake at 350 for 20-25 minutes, until cheese starts to brown.

This recipe makes one generous, delicious, creamy serving. I eat this as my entire dinner. You could have half, instead, with a small grilled chicken breast and a salad. This entire recipe has 526 calories, 13g carbs, and 51g protein. Yay for protein!

If you are on Medifast as I am, here's the recipe breakdown:
cauliflower = 1 full Green (3 vegs)
Cabot cheddar = 1/2 Lean (leaner option, needs 1/2 Healthy Fat)
2% cheese = other 1/2 Lean
3T half & half = 2 condiments and 1/2 Healthy Fat
1T light cream cheese = 1 condiment
The Kraft single is 50 calories, 2g carbs, 4g protein so I count it as my snack even though it is not listed
I do not count the seasonings in this recipe, but they total about 1/4 tsp all together so it is less than a half condiment. If you are 100% OP, tweak as needed! It is a little higher in calories and fat than the usual L&G but having this once a month or so works for me :)

Enjoy!

A Planned Binge Day

Stuff has been going on in my life this weekend that has thrown me emotionally off kilter. My little girl has been sick for several days... nothing serious (at least I don't think so at this point), probably just a digestive virus. But if you've had a sick little one you know it is emotionally draining (worry) and physically exhausting (lots of cleanup, special foods, being up in the night, lots of laundry). What I hate most is feeling like I am powerless to "fix it." When my babies are hurting, I am *driven* to fix it. And you can't fix a virus. So I hold her while she cries, I wash her when she doesn't make it to the bathroom in time, I give her saltines and tell her stories. And I wait. I wait for it to fix itself, or for enough days to pass that a trip to the doctor is in order. But in the meanwhile, hearing her sad little voice saying "I never want to eat again, I'm never going to poop again!" and seeing her sad face just kills me. But it's a virus. It'll get better.

We've been stuck in the house for days. Her friends call to play and she can't go. We venture into the backyard a bit, not far from the bathroom, but there are no walks to the park and no trips to the pool. Warm summer days float by, and I know they are so limited and I try to treasure each one, but instead I am inside, feeling like the gorgeous weather is passing me by. I started feeling trapped. Sad. Antsy. I can't get out and take my walks. Except for the open windows and the birds singing, it's almost starting to feel like winter.

But I'd be ok. It's just a virus. We have gotten through worse. Some of you know that of my five children, three have been deeply affected by serious health issues from birth. You may remember this daughter going through a lot of testing and procedures and hospital trips back in the first year I started blogging... and that was AFTER she had gone through the worst. She is doing well now. We have to see a pulmonary specialist this summer, but for the most part, I think the long road trips to the children's hospital, the invasive testing, the cardiologist, the urologist, and the nephrologist are all things of the past. Well, there's still the eye specialist we travel to see but that's only once a year and things look good so far. Anyway she is doing great.

The other two have seemed pretty stable, too. Because of their age and for their privacy, I won't discuss their medical issues in detail here nor give you the 'labels' for their medical issues, but they're both quite rare. Both will be severely affected for life with their medical issues; there is no 'cure' for either of them although the younger is doing quite well and the years of 3-times-a-week physical and occupational therapy seem to be behind us. I worry, of course, about the future but lately I am confident he is doing even better than expected. But the older one. Well. This weekend I found out things are very much NOT okay. We are talking about life and death and possible future organ transplant here. This is much more worrisome than a virus. And it is truly out of my control.

I love my children SO MUCH. I love them beyond measure. I feel every pain for them. I want to fix everything. I cannot. I have spent hours this weekend trying to find a way to help my son. I have to find a way. And it affects me deeply when I feel out of control. In fact as you may have guessed, it affects my eating.

My usual coping mechanism in the past has been eating. Binge eating vast amounts of garbage foods. I always worry I will end up back there... binge eating when I am seriously upset or feeling powerless. But lately, I have seen a change in me. Like last week when I was stressed out and the kids were eating freshly baked bread and I had a piece. A PIECE. Not a loaf. It was a deviation from my low carb, breadless-for-now eating plan. But it was not... well, it was not that crazy place I used to go.

Last night I was SO upset, exhausted, dreading what may come that I started having binge thoughts. I imagined a full day of binge eating. I actually *decided* to take a "day off" from Medifast and just have whatever I wanted. I deserve it. I need it. I cannot handle life without it. I put my sick daughter to bed and started plotting my day. My little one was getting better; I figured by morning she would be done with her virus and we could go out. I got on the computer and found the new restaurant that opened a couple of weeks ago that everyone says makes FANTASTIC pizza and subs. I am a sucker for pizza... I could eat it every day. I looked at the menu. I decided I would take the kids there for dinner. I'd have two big pieces of pepperoni pizza and a cheese steak sub and a COKE. And they had cheesecake, I'd have that too. I wanted to have EVERYTHING I wanted, cram it all into one day so I could "get it out of my system" and get right back on track the next day. I was a little worried, though. I knew my stomach has gotten much smaller. I knew I could not eat that volume of food without being sick. So I figured I'd order it all anyway, and if all I could stomach was 4 bites of each thing, so be it. I wanted it anyway.

But that wouldn't be enough. I wanted a big breakfast too. I wanted pancakes, eggs, toast, biscuits and gravy, sausage, and bacon, oh and hash browns. I decided to take my little girl OUT for breakfast (yeah, real smart decision here with a child who's been sick... obviously I do not think clearly when plotting a binge day). I went online and looked at menus. I had the same problem I used to have at 278 pounds: NOBODY offers a breakfast with ALL of those items in it. It is just too much! No one eats all that! I could have SOME of those things, but there is no such breakfast with all the carbs included, because most normal people choose biscuits and gravy OR toast OR hash browns OR pancakes. Not all four. But I decided to do what I did at 278 pounds: make sure my kid ordered some of the 'missing' items so I could eat them from her plate, since she eats so little.

As I plotted, I worried about my stomach's capacity to have TWO big meals in one day. I am used to small meals every 2-3 hours, and ONE big meal is enough for me in a day. I'd have to space the meals pretty far apart to make this work. I could do that. And then I decided I had better stop at the store on the way home and get a pint of Haagen Dazs ice cream, too, to sit in front of the Bachelorette with and eat straight from the carton. Just like old times.

And then I'd get right back on plan the next morning and be just fine.

While I was doing this last night, I figured I'd get a head start on my binge day and have myself an English muffin and a cookie. I toasted the muffin. I prepared a cookie. (Yes, I am insane, and I can throw any random ingredients together into a mug and make one cookie, brownie, or cupcake in the microwave. Even if I don't have sugar in the house.) I sat down to eat it, thinking, "what can I have after this?? More muffins! More toast! Some cheese! All the things I want but have not been having!" But something very weird happened. I ate the English muffin and the cookie and I was full. It was my last "meal" of the day... eaten instead of a Medifast meal, at the same hour when I usually have my last meal. And my body said, "you're done." But even more crazy is, my MIND said "you're done" too. I did not WANT another muffin, or cheese, or anything for that matter. I did not care about eating anything else. So I didn't. And you know what else? As SOON as I was finished eating, I no longer wanted to do the binge day! I didn't care about the pizza, the sub, the breakfast stuff or the ice cream. In fact I no longer wanted it AT ALL. It held NO appeal for me anymore.

HOW CRAZY IS THAT??? Seriously, what has happened to me?

If you have a binge eating problem, a compulsive eating issue, or are just an emotional eater, you understand how HUGE this is. It used to always be a battle between me and the inner brat every time she wanted to binge or have candy bars or whatever. I had to subdue her. I had to fight it. And even if I won there was a sense of, "well I still really want that stuff but I am just going to say NO." That is not what happened here. I had absolutely NO desire to eat more or plan a binge. NONE. And I got up this morning with NO desire to do it, even though I had already given myself "permission" to go ahead and have a binge day.

There was no battle, no fight, no struggle. I just got up and wanted to be on plan. And not because of weight, either. No special reason. I just wanted to.

Because of THIS, I can honestly say I have turned a corner. I am *really* fixing something deep within me. I have always believed I would struggle mightily with binge eating for the rest of my life. But maybe... just maybe... it really can be overcome and left behind. I am so happy about that. I have new hope.

That said, if you're the praying sort, please pray for Michael. I love him so. I cannot lose him.

Food Boredom vs. Obsession, and Moving On from Both (or, food is just food)

I weighed in at 198 pounds this morning, which is one pound lost this week. One pound further away from obesity and closer to my goal. One pound less to haul around. I'll take it!

I have to admit I am getting slightly bored with my Medifast food. Not terribly bored... I mean, it is still tasty and filling and I have no trouble eating it. But I think when I reach my goal or get closer to it I will be quite ready and willing to leave Medifast behind and get back into ALL home cooked, real foods. I plan to go through their Transition program at some point, which weans people off the packaged foods and adds things like grains, fruits, and dairy back in gradually over many weeks (12 to 16 weeks in my case). What's funny to me is that a month ago I felt SO DEPENDENT on the packaged Medifast foods that I was started to feel scared about ever going off them. I was thinking about how on earth I would find foods I thought were just as delicious and packed with so much protein, fiber, and nutrients in 100 calories. I wondered how I would be satisfied without these foods I have come to enjoy so much. Well, a lot has changed in just a month. I have started to see how these packaged foods are helping me and, more importantly, how I will not need them anymore eventually.

They're good, but kinda boring. There are a LOT of different foods to choose from on this program, but I have gravitated towards just a few. My days look pretty much the same. I often eat the same 5 Medifast meals every day, while I do vary my dinner quite a bit with various lean meats, eggs, fish, and tons of fresh veggies. Now that I am getting a little bored with the Medifast food, I had a revelation. Being bored with the food is a GOOD THING! I no longer use food as entertainment, medication, distraction, or pain management. I have to deal with all those things in other ways. I have learned to eat on a schedule, every 2-3 hours (small meals) and since I have the same meals all the time I don't waste brain power sitting around thinking and dwelling and plotting what I am going to eat next; I just grab the next food and have it. I do get to use my culinary talents for my dinner, and that's fun, but all day long my focus is finally, truly OFF of food and onto other things. It's becoming second nature, and I love it!

I had a little epiphany about myself and 'dieting,' too. In the past, I could usually do really great on a 'diet' (or lifestyle change, take your pick) for about 3 or 4 months. I could focus and be obsessed with the 'diet' and weighing and counting calories or whatever. I could spend lots of hours reading books and websites about my chosen method, whether it was Atkins, South Beach, the Blood Type Diet, whatever. I'd get this thrill of a new plan and of seeing results on the scale right away. And then, after a few months, I'd get bored. I had learned pretty much all I could about the 'diet,' the weight loss had slowed down, I'd gotten bored with the food and tired of the exercise. So I'd start going off plan, cheating a little, having breakdowns and binges and crying "why oh why can't I stick with this plan?" And then I'd gain the weight back.

This time, I did the same thing. I got all the books and websites and information I could about Medifast. I researched it to the hilt. I got on the Medifast forums and talked to people and asked questions and got excited. I tried recipes and tried logging my food and measured everything. I tried all the different Medifast foods, I saw results (36 pounds so far) and stuck with it. And then, I got bored. I noticed it is not as new and exciting anymore. I have been doing this for 17 weeks and it is getting monotonous. Eat the 5 foods, make dinner, lose weight. And I had to sit and reflect on that this morning.

The difference is that this time I get it. I understand. I don't HAVE to be all excited about everything I eat. I don't HAVE to spend hours obsessing about dieting and weight loss. I don't have to, because I am healing myself. I don't need food to cover my pain anymore. I am UNcovering it and fixing it or letting it be. I am not afraid of feeling anymore.

And so, I'll just keep on eating my 5 meals and making dinner, throwing in some exercise here and there, being as active as I can, and losing weight. And as the excitement and obsession about the 'diet' fades, I have the focus and energy to live life. It's a new thing for me... having all this brainpower and emotion available that used to all go towards weight loss. Now, the weight loss is happening, and I am not spending my whole day trying to force it to happen. I think this is what life is supposed to be like. You live, and every so often you eat because you need to. Whereas before, I was eating and/or dieting ALL the time, with little bits of living thrown in here and there.

I am going to be okay. I can see a bright, healthy future from here. But more importantly, I can see a bright healthy today.

*FTC-required disclosure: Medifast provided me with its products for my personal use for free. Medifast states an "average weight loss of up to 2 to 5 pounds a week."*

Living

As high as I have been feeling from the last week of new numbers and progress pictures, and as happy as I am, overall, with the vastly improved quality of my life, I have also had a hard time the last two days. Funny how, nowadays, I can have so much joy and sadness together on the same day. It used to be that a day/week/month was either REALLY GREAT or REALLY AWFUL. I was either in a positive mood or a negative one. I could easily label any given day or week 'good' or 'bad'. But now it seems life is more level. I have all kinds of emotions in any given day, and if I have some sadness or tiredness it does not eclipse the good parts of my day anymore. It's a pretty big change from the past, when honestly *most* days were so hard and shrouded in hopelessness about my weight, exhaustion, pain from joints and headaches, and the overwhelming feeling that I was not living my best life (or even getting close). Now, it's different. The positive and negative emotions have learned to coexist.

That said, the last two days have been tough for me. It certainly has something to do with hormones and where I am in my female cycle. I am at that point where I have a couple of sensitive/emotional days, which is actually a *good* thing, I have found, as it forces me to feel my feelings and face some underlying emotional 'issues' that tend to bubble to the surface once or twice a month. Since I am no longer stuffing those thoughts and feelings down with food, I have a chance to process the emotions and, more importantly, DO SOMETHING about them. For example, if some past hurt comes up in my heart and I find myself teary about the way a friendship ended ten years ago, instead of stuffing that down with a plate of nachos I actually call the person involved or email them and rekindle a friendship or make an apology if needed. Then the pain is GONE instead of being stuffed down for another six months.

Anyway (as I ramble), my little girl has been sick for 2 days. I have not been able to get out of the house. She has some major digestive issues going on and I have been doing a lot of cleaning up after her. I love her and hate seeing her sick. I am also nearly out of groceries (no milk, and the only veggies I have are asparagus, cauliflower, and cabbage. I eat a lot of veggies and usually have no less than ten fresh veggies in the fridge at all times). Two of my older kids aren't here at all right now and a third is trying to find a job, so I am out of babysitters (and with her having the issues she is, I probably wouldn't leave her for long anyway.) My house is a wreck, I am tired, and last night my stress level went up quite a bit... and I had a moment.

Someone had kindly given us a loaf of freshly baked bread, which was quite welcomed by the kids since we are out of many staples. Last night they were eating it buttered and toasted. The smell was wafting through the house. And I almost started to cry. NOT because I wanted the bread so badly, but because I was feeling so emotional and overwhelmed and alone in that moment. If you saw that new Jillian show last week, there was a family whose husband had lost his job and gained a ton of weight and pretty much checked out of life. As a result, the wife was having to do pretty much everything on her own: care for the kids, the house, worry about finances, etc. At one point she started crying uncontrollably because she was "so tired of doing it all on my own." Jillian had her express this to her husband, and she basically cried and said, "I need you! I am so tired... so tired. I can't do this all on my own. I feel so alone. When is someone going to take care me ME? I need you to lean on." Well I felt like that. I FEEL like that. Only I don't have anyone to say it to. I don't have anyone who is going to step up and take care of me. This is it, and I have to keep going. And I just wanted to cry. Last night I had these feelings: "I am so tired. I can't get the pleasure I want in my life. I can't have a day off. My finances are screwed. I can't do the repairs on the house that I want to. I can't go to the beach. I can't get laid, or even get a hug, or a kiss, or a back rub. Dammit, I am going to have a piece of toast!"

I just wanted some pleasure in a difficult day, and toast was it. I cut myself a slice and a half. I enjoyed it. It was off plan. But, in fact, I didn't feel at all out of control or crazy or like I HAD TO HAVE IT. I just thought, well, I want a piece of that fresh bread, and it would make me feel better. And it did. It DID help me feel better. It wasn't a binge and it wasn't unreasonable. And in that moment I felt normal in my relationship with food for the first time. I mean, I feel pretty normal everyday when I eat, but I always have this edge of "what if I binge, what if I want to 'use' food? what if I go nuts?" But it wasn't there. I was just a normal woman having a piece of toast. And while that may sound silly to some of you, I bet others who know *exactly* what I mean. Granted, it's not good to try and get a hug out of a box of chocolate as a general rule, but in this case, a piece of toast felt pretty darned good to me.

This morning I got up with the sick child, stepped over the beads and dolls and princesses scattered across the living room, made my green tea and sat down to assess what is going on with me. I always try to feel my feelings and acknowledge them. Expressing them, as I have done here, helps me figure out what to do next. It helps so that those thoughts don't stay trapped in my head, rattling around bothering me all day.

The sun is shining, and I feel pretty good (even if emotional). I know I am capable of all that is required of me today. This morning as I stood in the fresh air while letting the dog out, I ran my hands over my pajamaed midsection and thought, yeah. This is good. I am on the right track. And I really want this midsection to keep getting smaller, firmer, smoother. And I know what I have to do to create that for myself.

I will focus today on the things that *are* within my power, and let the rest glide around me like water in a lake. It'll all work out, and in the meantime, I am living.

Seeing Change

The other day when I took those progress pictures and posted them, I had to really sit and do double and triple takes for awhile. I do it every time: take pictures, then stare at them because I can hardly fathom that that is ME. I swear I looked at those pictures 100 times yesterday. But I also looked at some old pictures of me at 278 pounds. I also held my face in my hands and cried when I saw some of those pictures from August 2007 that I had forgotten about. How sad I looked. How my face was distorted by the fat. How unhealthy, how unwell, how bereft of hope I had become. I truly wept.

I don't know what kind of mental disconnect allowed me to gain all that weight and not ever really SEE it. I guess I saw it in the mirror. I guess I knew I was wearing size 26/28 pants and 3X-4X shirts. I knew I was in pain... I remember that. But somehow I let myself block out what was really happening to my body. I knew I was fat, but I honestly DID NOT KNOW my true size. And now when I see those pictures after several years I am just shocked.

Whenever I take new pictures, it shocks me the same way. My brain takes a long time to catch up to reality, I guess. Sometimes I think I must have a trick mirror; one day I look and see this thin-looking young woman and I do a double take because I barely recognize her, while the very next day I see myself with fat rolls and a giant belly and I think UGHHH, how can I still look this way after losing 80 pounds?? I probably see myself at about 225 pounds when I look in the mirror now. Except for magic mirror days when I see a normal person.

The pictures are for more than just to show you my progress, although the feedback I get from you all in the comments helps me a lot. You telling me that I look good confirms that I actually DO look smaller and it is not just some weird game my brain is playing with me. The pictures, mainly, are for ME to grasp what is going on with my body. I HAVE to look at them 100 times. It helps me get my brain around the reality of my body. It is a very strange and disconcerting thing to not feel familiar in one's own skin... to not really know what one looks like. I find myself looking at random people on the street and thinking, "Am I as big as her? Am I about that size? Is she bigger than me?" I have a very hard time gauging that. In fact sometimes I have to look at how far apart someone's hips are on a chair and how many inches of extra butt hangs off the sides, and then look down at how I am fitting in the same size chair, in order to get some idea of whether I am that size or not.

And just when I think I have it figured out, it changes. "I am a size 18!" But then I'm not. Hey, I'm not complaining. Just saying, it messes with my head a little.

When I take progress pictures, I am usually pleased with how they turn out. I don't edit them at all, except to lighten them a little when they come out too dark. I think if you saw me on the street, though, you might think I look fatter in person. I dunno, that could just be my warped self image talking, because *I* think I look fatter in person. I certainly have a bit more of a belly when I am wearing a bathing suit or looser pants; I always wear the smallest jeans that will comfortably fit me for my pictures. That way I consistently see the progress instead of loose bits hanging here and there. I mean, really. Things are squishy and weird right now. My belly is NOT firm at all; I can push on the fat and it compresses into a pretty small space. So the jeans do make me look slimmer. However, I always take measurements in the buff, so I get an idea of how my body is changing without the clothes to help.

Anyway, I am trying to be much more aware of my size and my shape as well as my health. I want to NOTICE if I ever start to regain weight. I do not want to obliviously gain 80 pounds in ten months like I did before. I won't be wearing stretch pants for that very reason. I need to know how big I am.

I think it's a good thing to be self aware and in touch with your body. Taking progress pictures and taking measurements helps me do this. I might look in the mirror and see 225 pounds, but there is no denying the truth of the pictures and the measuring tape. I am totally shrinking. And I love it.

Update Pictures: 80 Pounds Gone

Here are my new progress pictures, taken today, at 198 pounds:

I am so proud! If you look to the left of this blog page, you'll see my before pictures at 278 pounds, as well as links to update photos every ten pounds. Things are really changing!

My measurements have changed a lot, too, since my last pictures at 208 pounds. In just the last ten pounds, I have lost:

almost 1/4" off my wrists
1" off each calf
1" off each thigh
1.5" off my bust
1.5" off my waist
1.5" off my hips
and... FINALLY the arms are shrinking! I lost 1.25" off each upper arm! That is the most EVER! So exciting!

Funny thing. When I measure I try to use 'body landmarks' so I am always measuring in the same spot (a freckle, a midway point, the smallest point at my waist, etc). When I measure my hips I always make sure to wrap the tape around the big bulge/roll of hip fat on each side and then go around the biggest point of the lower belly area. Well, this time, I could not find the hip rolls!!! I was all trying to measure, wondering what was wrong because it did not feel the same, when I realized that the hip rolls are GONE! I still have fat there of course but the landmark I was using to measure... the bulge at the hips... has disappeared. So I had to just try and measure the largest area around the hips, including the lower belly. VERY cool.

And to top it off, the size 16 jeans I wore for my last update pictures are loose. So I tried on some smaller jeans... and they fit! Yes, I am wearing size 14 jeans in these pictures! Can you even believe it?? I started out with 26/28W jeans. I am so happy :)

Thank you so much for all your support! This is an amazing journey and I am excited to share it with you all.

Free

Good morning! Sorry I missed posting yesterday but I was busy living and the time got away from me :)

Good news today! This morning I weighed in at 198 pounds. That's another milestone: I have now lost (worked off, burned, melted, toasted) EIGHTY pounds off my body! I am just in awe, really. The most I ever lost before I started blogging was about 35 pounds. I did that twice. The first time, I lost 34 pounds by counting calories and walking every day. I regained all the weight within a year (due mostly to a pregnancy with months of bedrest). Seven years later, I did the South Beach diet and lost 33 pounds. I kept it off for all of three weeks before watching the scale go slowly back up, gaining it all back plus eight more pounds within about a year. That was in 2005.

I remember how HUGE losing 33-34 pounds felt to me back then. I never could *quite* get to 40, and I just didn't know how to KEEP it off. I had not taken the time to truly educate myself about nutrition and the foods I was eating. I did not change my habits and was not emotionally ready for the vulnerability of a lower weight. So I failed.

This time is different. Yes, it has taken me almost three years to lose 80 pounds, but it is best (for me) that way. It's given me time to get used to the changes in my body, and experiment with different foods, calorie levels, protein levels, and exercise. I have truly changed my entire lifeSTYLE. I do not cook the same way anymore. I do not shop the same way anymore. The pictures of my dinner table and my grocery cart from 2005 and 2010 are night and day. You would not even recognize my kitchen and pantry anymore. For that matter, you wouldn't recognize my CAR anymore, which, five years ago, was overflowing with McDonald's bags, Subway wrappers, and empty Arby's cheese sauce cups. Every time I opened a door a little paper straw wrapper would blow out. Now there is none of that. We don't even do fast food anymore. There are no Coke cans on the end tables, no piles of mini Dove chocolate wrappers by my computer, no Hershey's kisses foils and flags lying around the living room. My LIFE is unrecognizable from five years ago. And so is my body. And the happiness factor is through the roof.

Later today I will take my "80 Pounds Gone" pictures and post them. I am so excited! Eighty pounds is a BIG deal. It's a LOT of weight. I look down at my still-large body and cannot fathom how I ever functioned with an additional 80 pounds on it. It is just unimaginable to me now. It is crazy to me how I got to 278 pounds and "barely noticed." Sure, I was feeling lousy. I had physical pain and limitations. But somehow I had withdrawn into myself and my emotional pain and numbness seemed to overshadow the pain and physical reality of gaining 80 pounds. I didn't really NOTICE because I was so wrapped up in my head. In the anxiety, the stress, the pleasure of eating box after box of cookies and bag after bag of chips. Somehow, those sensations took precedence over *noticing* eighty pounds of fat on my body.

I am glad I woke up.

You can, too. It hurts. It is not comfortable to feel your feelings and deny yourself the food that has medicated you and placated your desire to be healthy for so long. It really does hurt, emotionally, to change this much.. But it is also SO FREEING and your life can be wonderful and happy and exciting. You can let go of the weight-shield, too. And yes, it is very much worth taking the time and effort to do it.

Be free.

Pictures to come!

Farmer's Market: Kohlrabi!

Have you ever seen kohlrabi at the Farmer's Market? Maybe you did, and had no idea what to do with it. Today is your lucky day! And if you can find a fresh kohlrabi, you and I will have a wonderful (and nutritious) adventure together!

Kohlrabi is a vegetable in the cabbage family (like broccoli) which makes it super healthy. The bulb (which is actually a swollen stem) is sweet and mild (smaller, younger bulbs have the best flavor) and they come in various colors like green, white and purple. They are packed with nutrition, too; one cup of raw kohlrabi contains 36 calories, 2.3 g protein, 8 g carbs, 5 g fiber, 140% RDA of vitamin C, 14% RDA of potassium, 10% RDA of B6, and is a good source of folic acid and vitamin A.

What some people don't realize is that you can (and should) eat both the bulbs AND the leaves of kohlrabi. In fact, that's what led me to buy this beautiful purple kohlrabi from a local stand at the Farmer's Market this weekend; the grower was telling everyone that they can cook the leaves and they are nutritious like spinach! I had never heard of that before, so I brought one home to experiment. When I Googled it, I found out that indeed, you can eat the small, young, tender leaves raw in a salad or you can cook the large leaves as you would any greens. I haven't found a source for nutrition facts for the greens, but I would take an educated guess that the nutritional profile is similar to other greens such as kale: low in calories, super high in nutrients. Any kind of greens is generally an excellent, healthy food.

So I brought home a nice, big kohlrabi bulb with a big bunch of pretty greens attached, both packed with nutrition. All this for $1! What a steal!

Now, how to prepare this vegetable? You can start by trimming off the leaves, close to the bulb. Like so:

I use a kitchen scissors for prepping greens because it makes life SO MUCH EASIER! If you don't have a pair of Kitchen Shears, you must get one. You can use any scissors but make sure they are dedicated FOOD PREP scissors and be sure the family knows it, so the kids are not using the food scissors for art projects or to trim the fur off the dog's back end. Anyway, cut off the leaves and wash them by swishing them in a sink of cold water and then lifting them out and draining on a towel. Cut the stems and ribs from the leaves and cut the leaves into bite sized pieces. Now, I followed some random guy's advice on the Internet, where this fellow said that kohlrabi greens are like Swiss chard so you can just steam them for 3 or 4 minutes and eat them. So I did that.

WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Epic fail. Listen. I know my greens, and these suckers are NOT like chard whatsoever. They are like KALE. And if you know kale... mature leaves, not baby ones... you know that if you steam it for 3 minutes you are not going to have something edible!!

When I tasted a leaf, I knew it needed a longer cook time. I let them cook for 20 minutes and then dinner was ready so I ate them. And they were still a *little* on the not-so-tender side. And they had that edge of bitterness and strong flavor you get when you do not cook kale correctly. But I ate them anyway, as I needed my veggies and they were not terrible.

Now maybe, just *maybe* if your kohlrabi greens are young and small and thin, the shorter cook time will suffice. But look at the size of my leaves. They needed to be treated like collards or kale to be tender. Next time I have kohlrabi greens, I am going to cook them according to my absolutely fantastic recipe for kale, because that recipe *always* turns out tender, delicious greens and I am certain the kohlrabi leaves will do well when cooked in that manner.

Now, for the kohlrabi bulb itself. You can eat kohlrabi raw, steamed, baked, sauteed, whatever... just be sure to peel it first. It's very versatile. But we all know what cooking method makes the yummiest possible veggies: roasting! I prepared it using a recipe I found here and modified a bit.

Oven Roasted Kohlrabi

1 kohlrabi bulb, peeled and sliced thin (1/4" or so)
1 tsp olive oil
garlic powder, sea salt, and pepper to taste

Toss the kohlrabi slices with the oil and seasonings to coat. Spread in a single layer on a baking sheet and roast at 450 degrees for 15 to 20 minutes, stirring and flipping occasionally. When they are browned, take the sheet out and sprinkle them with 1 teaspoon of Parmesan cheese. Return to the oven for about 5 minutes, until the cheese begins to brown. Remove and serve immediately.

These were YUM. I really liked them. They got a little crisp on the edges and were tender in the middle, and had a nice sweet flavor. Excellent! I would do two things differently: 1) I will try cooking them at a slightly lower temperature (400-425) for a slightly longer time (25-30 minutes) to see if I can get them more crisp without burning, and 2) I will also try cutting them into "fry" shapes and roasting them, because these would make an *excellent* lower carb, higher nutrient substitute for french fries.

The next time I buy kohlrabi (and there WILL be a next time), I am going to try this recipe for kohlrabi puree, which includes both the bulbs and the leaves and is purported to be the "best" kohlrabi recipe by a blogger or two out there. We'll see!

Now go eat your veggies!

Progress

This week was a pretty great week. I weighed in at 199 pounds, which is of course a fantastic milestone for me... one I wondered if I would ever see. Last Sunday I weighed 201, so that is a 2 pound loss for this week. Not bad. I am good with that.

That said, I had some major thinking to do yesterday as I struggled with wanting to go off plan and binge. I've been thinking a lot about why I tend to do that. Why eat when I am not hungry? Why obsess about cake or cookies instead of being satisfied with more healthy food? Yeah, I still have that habit of wanting to turn to food to distract me from unpleasant thoughts and feelings about *real life.* I still catch myself starting to obsess about food, weight, diet, scale numbers, etc rather than facing and dealing with the real life issues that are stressful to me but need to be addressed. But the key here is, I CATCH MYSELF. That's big progress. I am getting there.


On Father's Day, I am always reminded of my own father who passed away just after I got married at age 20. I think about how I wish that, just one time, I had gotten to say to him, "Happy Father's Day, Dad! I love you." I wish just once I had given him a card. I often wonder what he did and how he felt on Father's Day when he was basically ignored as my mother and I trotted off to our religious meetings and to hang out with friends. We didn't celebrate Father's Day, or any other holidays, because of our religion. But my Dad was not IN our religion. He was raised a Lutheran. He always celebrated holidays until my mother joined this religion when I was very small. So I often have wondered what it was like for him. I was his only child. His parents had passed away. What did he think... how did he feel as he sat alone at the kitchen table on Father's Day, with never a single acknowledgement from his wife and child? I never thought about it back then, because I was just a little girl. We just didn't DO holidays, so it never crossed my mind to think about them at all. But when I grew up and left that religion and moved across the country at 18, I did start celebrating Christmas and Easter and things like that. It was not something I ever mentioned to my parents, out of respect for my mother's immense disgust at those holidays. But when my father died, my mother rubbed salt in the raw, open wound of his loss by saying, "... and you never even sent him a Father's Day card after you left!"

Those words shocked me. A Father's Day card? It had never even crossed my mind. I had never done that growing up. My mother had taught me how "wrong" and "bad" it was to do ANYTHING related to holidays or birthdays, so I had never even had a vague thought of sending him a card. I'd never sent anyone a card for anything in my life. And if I HAD thought to do it, I probably would have refrained out of respect for my mother. We just didn't DO that stuff in our family.

And so, every Father's Day since, I have felt regret that I never did think to call or send him a card on the two Father's Days that occurred between the time I left the religion and the time of his death. I wondered if he had sat at the kitchen table waiting and hoping for a call from me. I imagined him walking to the mailbox with a bit of hope that there might be a card from me, and being disappointed. I hated myself just a little bit for being such a thoughtless daughter. Every year. I felt so guilty. And I binged, to punish myself.

Not this year.

This year, I finally 'got it.' I understood that my mother was not a well woman. What kind of mother throws that kind of guilt on their child for following the rules THEY raised them with? What kind of person wants their daughter to feel bad about themselves and feel more pain than they already have about the loss of their father? She just was not well. She felt bad about herself. SHE was in pain. SHE had guilt. And she was conveying that to me, along with her habit of eating her feelings. I can understand that, and feel sorry for her. She died with her pain. She never resolved her issues. I feel bad for her, but I also have had to let her go.

My father? He was a good man. He was level headed and not driven by emotions and irrational thoughts. I am quite sure he understood why things were the way they were. We had some great talks on the phone. We spent treasured time together in the summer before his death. He knew, without a doubt, that I loved him very much. He was not the type to mope about because he didn't get a card or a call on Father's Day. I bet he treasured that day in his heart, even without a 'celebration,' because it was the day to rejoice in the fact that he got the amazing gift of becoming a father at 41, when he thought it would never happen. I was the light of his life, and we loved each other. And that is what I celebrate now. So Dad.... Happy Father's Day! I love you.

My gift to my father is to live the best life I can now. I will honor him with my words and actions and be the woman he always hoped I would be. He lives on in me, and I think he would be proud.

Enjoy your Father's Day! If your Dad is still living, savor it. If he is not, honor his memory. Let go of the ghosts, if there are any, and live your best life from this point on.

Well It Ain't a Tumor...

Funny thing about losing weight. The body changes. A lot. In ways one would not expect.

Awhile back, I had the experience of shock and horror when I felt a big hard lump in my side. I was really scared for a few minutes... until I figured out that it was my hip bone. Yeah, obviously it has been there all along, even when I was thin in my 20's, but I guess I never noticed it back then and I somehow forgot how it felt. When you are used to running your hands over your body and feeling, well, just cushy thick fat and softness, it is rather alarming to feel something hard all of a sudden.

It happened again this week. I was lying on my back in bed and I was feeling my stomach, noticing how it is sort of concave now and does not bulge out like a mountain when I lie down. Then I noticed this big, round LUMP near my belly button. Not a little bump like a hernia, but a big area like a MASS. It scared me to pieces. Every day I'd lie down and feel for this lump. I was googling everything imaginable and thinking OMG, I finally lost weight and now I am gonna have a tumor!! I was debating a doctor's visit but thinking about how silly I would feel if he told me it was some random internal organ I'd had all my life.

So I've been worrying and reading and wondering if it is part of my bowel (as some websites suggested). This morning, I felt for the lump and it was gone. Uh, maybe my bowels were empty. Hmmm. Anyway there is absolutely nothing there now, so at least it ain't a tumor. But yeah, it is kind of creepy feeling one's internal organs through the skin. ::shudder::

Low Carb Shirataki Noodle Bake Recipe

If you have never tried Shirataki Noodles (or tried them once and hated them), have I got a treat for you!

Tofu Shirataki noodles are traditional Japanese noodles made of tofu and some kind of yam fiber. They look like noodles, feel like noodles, and have pretty much no flavor. The best part? There are only 20 calories in a half cup serving of Shirataki noodles! Where else can you get pasta for so little calories (besides the zucchini pasta I've shared in the past)? Pretty cool. With only 3g of carbs per serving, they fit in well with a low carb diet. I found them in the health food section of my grocery store. They will be in the refrigerated section.

*However,* if you, like me, got all excited a few years ago when Shirataki noodles became popular and bought a package, tore it open and started eating it, you probably HATE them. You probably think they are foul and disgusting. I say this because I threw away the first package I ever bought. It was horrid. But I didn't know how to prepare them, so I got the traditional "fishy" smell clinging to the noodles and making me gag. And so it has been many, many years and I never had the urge to try again. Until now.

I saw an article about how the *key* to getting delicious Shirataki noodles is in the pre-preparation of the noodles before you throw them into a recipe. Let me share the miracle with you:

1) open the package and dump the contents into a colander/strainer over the sink.

2) Rinse with warm water. Drain. Stir. Rinse some more. Drain. Rinse and rinse. Repeat.

3) Toss the drained noodles into a pot of boiling water. Stir. Let them boil for 3 minutes.

4) Dump them back into the colander to drain.

5) rinse again with warm water, and drain very thoroughly.

There! Done! While it might sound tedious, it's not. It takes about five minutes and you now have "pasta" that is basically flavorless and odorless and has only 20 calories per serving! It's worth it.

Now for the recipe. I had this for dinner tonight, and wow, it was amazing! I adapted this recipe from one I found on a message board. I had to change it up a little to get it to fit into my plan. This is so yummy and fits into a low carb eating plan, or if you are trying to save calories in pasta or trying to avoid pasta altogether, this is a great solution!

Shirataki Noodle Bake

Prepare one 8-ounce bag of Tofu Shirataki noodles as described above. Cut them up just a bit using kitchen scissors. I used spaghetti shaped noodles.

Meanwhile, in a saucepan mix:

1/4 c canned diced tomatoes with only a little bit of their juice

1/3 c tomato sauce (I actually used Ragu jarred pizza sauce with no added sugar)

1/4 c chopped mushrooms (I used baby Portabellas)

1 clove of garlic, minced, or garlic powder to taste

1 T of onion, minced, or onion powder to taste

some freshly ground black pepper and just a shake of sea salt

5 fresh basil leaves, chopped
a little pinch of red pepper flakes, for heat

Let this simmer for about 5 minutes and then throw in the Shirataki noodles. Stir. Simmer for 5-7 minutes or until it isn't watery, but more saucy. Dump it into a baking pan (I used a glass bread pan). Top it with grated part skim mozzarella cheese. I used one cup of grated cheese because that met my protein requirements, but you could use less if you want.

Put it in the oven at 350 degrees for 12 minutes so the cheese is melted. Like this.

Spoon it onto a plate and eat! This is SO GOOD and very filling. The entire pan is one meal (for me). Here is a half portion, dished up:

You can change up this recipe with all kinds of variations: add some meat to the pasta and sauce before baking (browned lean ground turkey or beef, cubed chicken breast, or maybe some turkey Italian sausage!) or add more veggies to the mix. You could leave off the mozzarella (although I LOVE it) and use some Parmesan. Anything you would use pasta for, you can probably make with Tofu Shirataki noodles. It's very versatile stuff. I know I will be eating this more often! Enjoy!

Milestone!

I made it to 199! I am SO EXCITED! I swear part of me kept saying it was impossible... but look! It's not! I am thrilled. Some say it is just a number, but to me this is a whole new world... a symbol of the start of a new life. Now my goal is to get as far away from the 200s as I can (within reason!) and stay there!

I have now lost 79 pounds total. When I lose one more pound, I'll post progress pictures and measurements again. I feel so great, and the size 16 jean capris that I bought when I hit 70 pounds gone are baggy in the butt now. They were a little snug when I got them but I think they are going to be retired within a month. There is now NOTHING in my closet that I cannot wear, except for that one 'skinny' tee shirt I bought as a way to gage myself (I haven't even tried it on yet. It hangs with tags. When I bought it a few months ago I thought, "If I can EVER fit into this shirt, I will know I am a truly normal size." I think it is a size medium but cut slim and it has my university's logo on it!) I do have a box of jeans ranging down to a size 12 that I will work my way through. Yesterday I bought myself two pretty new shirts that looked a little small, but when I tried them on at home they fit perfectly. I feel so great!

Walking has become a breeze. In fact, moving has. I used to feel like I was walking through a vat of corn syrup all the time (in a way, I was!) but now I feel like it is no effort to move my body. Everything is easier. It takes so much less effort to MOVE that I have a lot more energy for things other than just getting off the couch or walking to the mailbox. I love how my life is changing. This is SO worth the effort.

I am off to celebrate with a day with my children! Make the most of YOUR day, and BE HAPPY!

Medifast Foods: Best & Worst

This past month I got to try a couple of new Medifast foods, so I wanted to share my thoughts on those. I also compiled a list or 'ranking' of what I, personally, think are the very best and worst Medifast foods.

I'll start with 3 product reviews.
First, there were the Strawberry Crunch Bars. I have tried every other flavor of bar and they were all good to one degree or another, but I'd heard many people say they did not like the Strawberry Bars AT ALL so I waited awhile to try them. Here they are:

They are the same basic composition as most of the other crunch bars: little crunchy protein balls stuck together, with a coating on the bottom and a drizzle on the top. I love strawberry stuff, even fake stuff and I even sort of liked the highly maligned Medifast Strawberry shake, so I figured I'd like this.

I was wrong.

The Strawberry Crunch bar did not taste like strawberry to me. In fact, when I read the ingredients on the label I saw no mention whatsoever of strawberries... just elderberry juice and cranberries. Hmmmm. Furthermore, it tasted rather salty to me. Very strange. It had an off flavor I can't quite place but didn't like. The best part was the white coating which made the bar tolerable. I will finish the ones I have, but I would not order these again. They are the only Crunch bar that I would give a thumbs down.

Next, we have Ready-to-Drink Shakes, in Dutch Chocolate and French Vanilla:

Aren't they cute?? Just like those little milks you can get at Starbucks. These are shelf-stable cartons that come with little plastic straws attached. They're very convenient, easy to take along when you're travelling, and a lot of people think they taste better than the powdered shake mixes Medifast makes. With the powders, you have to add water (and ice for best flavor) and either shake or blend it up. But these are all ready to stick a straw in and drink.

Well, I am not a big fan of any of the powdered shakes. I think they taste bitter and they don't satisfy me, so I don't drink them. So how do these rank? The chocolate one was fine. I did chill them before drinking, and I thought the chocolate shake tasted almost exactly like a canned chocolate Slim Fast. But the vanilla one I did not like AT ALL. It had the same unpleasant (to me) taste of the powdered vanilla shakes, and I only got about 1/3 of it down before resorting to 'doctoring.' I poured the rest into my mini blender with some instant coffee, sugar free caramel syrup, and ice, and gave it a whirl. The result was MUCH better, but doesn't that kind of defeat the whole purpose of having a ready-to-drink shake in a carton?

More Medifast food reviews, with pictures are located here. I've reviewed almost every food they offer.

I've been eating Medifast foods five times a day for 15 weeks, so I have a pretty good idea what *I* think are the best and worst foods they have. I do frequent a Medifast forum and have noticed that there are just as many people who LOVE a specific food as there are who HATE it; tastes really vary. There are some foods that get almost universal thumbs ups or thumbs downs; I noted those in my list. But even my own tastes have changed and things I used to really like are not favorites anymore, while I learned to like things I didn't like at first.

So here are the Medifast foods I have tried, in order from BEST to WORST:

Chocolate Pudding (I make this into a shake or a 'Frosty' and have it every day)
Honey Mustard Pretzels (I really love these and eat them every day)
Hot Cocoa (I love this made with coffee, over ice in the summertime)
Peanut Butter Crunch Bars **(a universal favorite)
Cinnamon Pretzels
Chocolate Crunch Bars
Cranberry Mango Drink (great shaken in a water bottle with ice; travels well)
Mint Chocolate Crunch Bars **(a universal favorite)
Brownies (these grew on me, but I don't have them very often)
Lemon Meringue Crunch Bars
Chili Nacho Cheese Puffs
Parmesan Puffs
Fruit & Nut Crunch Bars
Caramel Crunch Bars
Cinnamon Roll Crunch Bars
Scrambled Eggs
Chili
Banana Pudding
------------------Anything between this line and the next, I don't LOVE but would eat again.
Chicken & Wild Rice Soup
Cream of Chicken Soup
Chicken Noodle Soup
Smores Crunch Bars ** (a universal favorite, but too sweet for me)
Oatmeal Raisin Crunch Bars
Dutch Chocolate Ready-to-Drink Shake
Vanilla Pudding
Chai Latte
-------------------- Anything below this line I don't ever want to eat again. I put a * by the ones that people often dislike.
Cream of Broccoli Soup *
Maple & Brown Sugar Oatmeal *
Strawberry Shake *
Orange Creme Shake *
Cappuccino
Strawberry Crunch Bars *
French Vanilla Ready-to-Drink Shake
Blueberry Oatmeal *
Apple Cinnamon Oatmeal *
Dutch Chocolate Shake (other people seem to love this, but it tastes bitter to me)
Dark Chocolate Antioxidant Shake
Beef Stew

I did not try the Peach Oatmeal or a few powdered shake flavors (french vanilla, Swiss mocha, banana creme, cherry pomegranate) because I strongly disliked all the other oatmeals & shakes. Since I'm allergic to crab, I won't be trying the Crab Soup, and since most people seem to hate the Tomato Soup I probably won't try that either. The only other things I have not tried are Tropical Punch, Iced tea (in Peach and Raspberry), and Maintenance Bars.

The nice thing about these foods is that they taste good (the ones I like do, anyway) without being SO GOOD they make you crave them. None of these foods trigger me or make me want to eat more and more. After I eat a Medifast meal (each food item is considered a meal), I am satisfied for 2-3 hours until my next meal. And I love that I get lots of fresh veggies, lean protein and healthy fat every night for dinner, which I prepare myself from scratch. I have some great recipes to share, and I am working on a page to link all my recipes on this blog so they are easier to find.

Incidentally, I was recently approached by a PR company asking me to do NutriSystem and blog about it. I turned them down. I have found something that is really helping me with my journey and I plan to continue Medifast for as long as it is beneficial to me. And then, I'll transition to a low carb, high protein, whole foods diet with plenty of exercise.

*FTC-required disclosure: Medifast provided me with its products for my personal use for free.*

A Little Girl's Story

Once upon a time there was a happy little girl who loved to play with her friends. She was a little on the shy side, but once she knew someone she loved them. She was friendly with the neighbors and had friends over to play often. On her fourth birthday her Mommy and Daddy had a big summertime party with balloons and cake and party hats, and all of her little friends came to celebrate. Her world was a fun, safe place where everyone cared about each other and tried very hard to be nice. Everyone was a friend.

When the little girl was five, her mommy became a religious zealot. She started taking the little girl to meetings three times a week and then, on weekends, mommy would take the little girl out selling religious magazines. It was fine with the little girl, because she she made new friends at the meetings and she liked going from door to door, even if the people were strangers, because they were nice and she got to meet a lot of new dogs and cats.

One day, the mommy was taking the little girl out to preach and sell magazines. They walked into a rather dark apartment building that smelled musty and old. There was a long, narrow staircase leading up to the second floor, so the mommy and daughter went up the stairs, walked up to the door, and knocked. They waited, then knocked again. When no one answered, the mommy rolled up a magazine or two with a rubber band and left them wedged between the doorknob and the door frame. She often did that... left older, outdated copies of the magazines for free... because it might save someone's life if it helped them find out the truth. The little girl and her mommy turned and walked down the stairs together... mommy first, with the little girl following. They were almost to the bottom of the wooden staircase when they heard a door open at the top of the stairs. The little girl turned around and looked up, smiling, ready to meet a new friend. But the woman who came storming out of her apartment was angry... very angry. She screamed profanities at the child and her mother and before the little girl knew what was happening, the woman threw the rolled-up magazines as hard as she could down the staircase. The magazines hit the little girl as she threw her arms up and tried to run, and the woman's angry voice echoed through the halls. The door slammed, and then there was silence... except for the sobbing of a very frightened little girl.

I will never forget how I felt when that woman screamed and threw those magazines at me. I wasn't physically harmed, but it scarred me emotionally. It shattered my view of the world, and of people. It turned me from the little girl who loved everyone, to a hesitant, scared, untrusting child. From that point on, I was always wondering if a stranger was going to hurt me or not. The world became a frightening place.

It took me a long time to get over that. I grew up knocking on stranger's doors for hours and hours every week, selling magazines, preaching a message, dealing with strangers and their unpredictable kindness or hostility. It forced me to build an emotional shield for myself... armor, if you will... that hid and protected the mushy, soft, trusting insides. It shaped my entire person in a very real and lasting way.

This story has nothing to do with weight loss, but it is very personal to me. It is something I wanted to share, to let you in on a bit of who I am and how I came to be. I hope to share more bits and pieces of my life here, even if they don't have any connection to weight. But maybe from this story you can see why compassion and kindness to strangers is so important to me. It is something I believe in with every fiber of my being.

I hope I never affect any person in the way that woman affected me. And I hope we can all foster a habit of kindness and compassion for others.

The Walmart Cart

"When I see a fat person, I assume they are weak, overindulgent, and lazy. I also see them as not caring enough about themselves to take care of themselves or too stupid to know how. I get irritated when I see someone who is severely obese riding around Walmart or the grocery store in one of those ride-on carts with their basket full of chips and Twinkies. They have eaten themselves into being disabled. How sad."

I recently read the above comment on a forum I frequent. It hit a nerve for me. We all know that the General Public does contain people who assume and make judgements like this. I've heard numerous times how disgusting those people are who are "so fat they have to use a cart to shop" because they can no longer walk. But what shocked me just a little bit was that the above statements were made by an obese person on a weight loss forum. I guess I expected *slightly more* compassion and understanding from someone who has battled with weight.

But have you ever done the same? Have you been in the grocery store and come upon someone who is morbidly obese trucking around in a motorized cart and thought, "Geez, if they would JUST stop eating junk... How can they live like that... I would never let myself go to that point... They really need to WALK to get their food instead of being lazy"? Have you ever felt a little bit of disdain for the big lady in the Walmart cart? Judged her a little? Have you? What do YOU think of someone who is in a cart seemingly because of their weight?

Let me share a little story. Once upon a time there was a blogger. She was a very nice and sweet blogger, a lady who was morbidly obese but was determined to get the weight off. She started eating healthy and exercising and losing weight. She was still very large... at least 250 if I remember correctly... but she started signing up for 5k's. She was doing great! Every time she finished a race she felt so proud. One day as she was walking a 5k her leg started to hurt. She kept walking. It was difficult for her to finish, but she bravely pressed on and completed the 5k. Afterwards, she was exhausted but proud. She needed to go to the grocery store for food, but when she got there her leg was hurting quite badly. She looked at the motorized carts, thought it over for a minute and decided she didn't want to aggravate her possibly injured leg any further, and decided to use the cart to get around for her groceries. She rode around the store, got her things, and drove up to the checkout stand.

In line behind her were two thin ladies. They stared at her in her cart, then began loudly talking about her, saying things like, "It's disgusting that a person uses those carts just because she is FAT! Those are for disabled people" and "If she'd just put down the fork she wouldn't NEED that cart." The blogger sat quietly in her cart, her back to the women, tears welling in her eyes. When she finished her transaction, she went home and cried.

It makes me SO ANGRY that people think they have the right to make universal judgements and then apply them, out loud even, to real people. Yes, those people in the carts are not "THOSE PEOPLE", they are REAL PEOPLE, they are you and I and your mother and your grandma and your best friend. They are everyone and anyone, a human being whose circumstances you cannot POSSIBLY know nor do you have the right to judge. EVERY person has a story. Maybe it is a story of sloth or abuse or ignorance or addiction. Maybe it is a story of loss and love and hurt and joy. Or maybe it is the story of a victim, a hero, a mother, a nurse, a blogger. Maybe it is all of the above. Even a person who rescued a stranger's children from a burning house can end up in a Walmart cart. So can a foster mom who is the heart and hero of many lost children who finally found love. So can your daughter. So can you.

We all have stories. We have good and bad, proud moments and shameful ones. Any person you see at any moment may be at a high or low point or anywhere in between, and you cannot, you simply CANNOT accurately judge them Nor should you try. It's a moment in time and there is no way for us to know what came before or is to come for that person. They are somebody's son, somebody's daughter. Someone loved them once. Someone cares about them. They have feelings.

If this story about the blogger is YOUR story, please let me know. I read this several months ago on a blog I was reading, and I saved it in my brain to write about later. Then, when later came, I couldn't find the blog. I'd be glad to link to your story if you let me know. And let me say this: I have SO MUCH admiration for you and what you are doing. You are brave and wonderful. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. *****Edited to add: Thank you Debbie for sharing your story. Here is a link to the original story on her blog. This event happened after she completed a 5k despite a hurting knee & leg. Debbie is a wonderful person who is working hard to better her health. Check out her blog; she has completed SIX 5k's now. Such an inspiration!*****

Compassion is free. It costs you nothing to have kindness in thought, word, and action for people. And someday, you might like to have the favor returned. Let's try to be compassionate, and instead of thinking the worst about people, think the best. Imagine who that person used to be, might be now, and could become. Be kind. The world will be a better place because of it.

An Unexpected Change

Something really weird is happening to me.

I think I am becoming a MORNING PERSON.

I wake up every morning and actually *want* to get out of bed. My eyes naturally open as the light of day enters my bedroom and the birds are singing outside my window. I lie there with the cool morning breeze drifting over my skin and think, "What a great day!" And I GET UP.

This is nothing short of miraculous for me. From the time I was a teen, I was a night owl type of person. If I had my way (and I often did), I'd stay up til 1 or 2am and sleep in til 8:30 or 9 every day.When I grew up and had babies, they totally messed with my sleep schedule. But as they got older I always *wanted* to sleep in, and did whenever I got the chance.

When I was a single mom in college, I'd drag myself out of bed in a fog every morning, get the kids ready for school and daycare, send them off, go to school and work, and come home with the kids between 3 and 6. Make dinner, do homework with the kids, tuck them in by 9, and then it was time to get stuff done. Wash the dishes, clean the kitchen, do a load or two of laundry. And then I'd be up til 2am doing MY homework.

I didn't mind staying up late, but I always just detested having to get up in the morning. When I graduated, remarried, had my last child... that's when I got a little break. I got to be home and be just a Mom for awhile. But yeah, every morning was a drag. My usual morning:

Be awakened by a child by 6am or an alarm by 7am. Wake up feeling like sheer hell. Hobble around trying to figure out what day it is, making coffee, squinting, moaning, wishing I was back in bed. Heck, just getting OUT of bed took me 15 or 20 minutes. I had to convince myself to get up and brace myself for the pain in my feet, knees, and legs when I got up. I had to heave myself and roll myself up and out of bed and try to hobble out to get some pain relievers before I could even BEGIN to cope. Is it any wonder I HATED mornings?

But something has dramatically changed over the last few weeks. Looking back, I see it's been months in the making. As I lost weight, I slept better. I didn't have heartburn or heart palpitations or wake up gasping for air. Oh, I still wake up in the night (thinking) but it isn't terribly unpleasant. I started going to bed earlier... by 11. I noticed that the headaches went away. The pain in my legs and feet eased quite a bit. Getting out of bed became a matter of just sitting up and getting out, with very little effort. And I stopped being SO DARN TIRED.

The last few weeks, I have been waking up in the morning with no kid and no alarm... just naturally waking. I feel GREAT when I wake up. I have energy. I am happy. I am ready to take on the day. I still have a bit of achiness in my feet and knees but not enough to bother me much. It is SO EXCITING to me that when I wake up it only takes me five minutes to have my eyes open and brain turned on! And it is SO nice to get up before anyone else and enjoy the cool, quiet house. It's just lovely!

I feel like I've gained a lot more *life* because of this. Instead of "waking up" for 3 hours every morning, I am up early and enjoying it. This is such an unexpected blessing to me. Life just keeps getting better the more I pay attention to my physical, emotional, and mental health. Who knew?

Have a GREAT day! And remember, never give up! Start now :)

A Good Week!

Oh I am so excited! No, I did not break the 200 barrier... yet! But I feel GREAT about how this week turned out. Really proud of myself and newly confident. Let me explain.

Last Sunday I weighed in at 201 pounds, which was a five-pound loss for the week (the most I have had in months!) But I sort of lost it last Sunday after I weighed, ate some stuff that was not on my plan, and ended up gaining 2 pounds overnight (mostly water/sodium I am sure). I got right back on plan the next day and one of those pounds disappeared again. But then the next day I went further off plan, ate quite a few things that were not wise choices, and went back up to 204 pounds.

Now, eating something off plan once in awhile is not the end of the world. I am not a believer in making food into some kind of 'moral' issue, where cake is 'bad' and cucumbers are 'good.' But my problem (which you know if you're a long-time reader) has been reeling it back in after the fact. One off plan meal easily turns into two, or three, and then into a string of days of eating crap. The food quality deteriorates over time the further from healthy stuff I stray. One day it's a fat free hot dog, the next it is a burger, and the next it is pizza with chips and soda. This is something I have worried I might have trouble with, long term. It makes me a little scared to eat ANYTHING off plan. But this is life, ya know? And I have to learn to deal with this eating issue in a normal healthy way.

This week's stress came from a couple of sources: school ending and 'stuff' going on with my teens, dance recital week for my daughter (which takes up a lot of time but we LOVE it), and PMS. But throw the number '201' into the mix, and you get some mental chaos going on. I admit there was some panic about crossing into the 100's. It just seems freaky to me. Like it cannot POSSIBLY be real. Head games. Not good.

And so when I found myself Wednesday night, after a 204 weigh-in, doing something I had sworn off many months ago, I knew I had to do SOMETHING to stop myself. I got fast food for the first time in about 8 months. I went through a drive through (NOT McDonald's... NEVER again, yucko!) and got myself a bacon burger, onion rings, Pepsi and a banana split. I had been at dance stuff for hours and let myself get super hungry. My little girl fell asleep in the car on the way home. I went and bought this stuff and sat in the parking lot with it. I ate about 2/3 of the burger, half the rings, 1/3 of the soda and 1/2 of the banana split and tossed the rest. I sat there and thought, "Okay... PMS or not, this is not the behavior I want. Stress or not, this is not what I want to go back to. If I want a burger, I will NOT sit and eat in my car in the parking lot. That feels so degrading to myself. I will make a burger or go sit down at a decent place and eat like a human being who has some self-respect."

I decided that the scale was messing with me too much and I'd stay off it until Sunday and stay 100% on plan for the rest of the week. And so I did. I ate my healthy meals and lived my life and didn't worry what the scale said. I had a lot of fun with my kids. I ate yummy meals like last night's: a buffalo steak with sauteed mushrooms and steamed fresh, local broccoli. My daughter and I walked quite a bit. It felt great!

This morning the scale said 201. I am thrilled! I am just so happy that I was able to turn it around pretty quickly and get back on track. This has given me a lot of confidence in myself and my ability to actually do this long term... EVEN when I have PMS, stress, or other life events that tend to trip people up for weight loss. So although I ended up with a maintain this week, I am happy. It's a big success for me.

I am pretty sure this is going to be MY week to hit a new, fantastic number! I am staying off the scale for a couple of days, just to stay more focused and NOT let the little pointer on the dial mess with my head.

Two Things

I have a pretty busy day and weekend ahead, but have two things to share regarding how my body is changing.

1) The other day I was standing at the bathtub washing my hair with the hand held shower. I do this a lot. As I hung my head down, I caught a glimpse of something that shocked me. There was a GAP between my upper thighs! Okay, maybe that seems silly to you, but listen. I have not seen ANY light of day between those upper thighs when I am standing up in, like, decades! They have ALWAYS touched, rubbed together, been best friends, etc. So I stood there, my wet hair dripping into the tub and my head upside down as I looked at my thighs for a few minutes. Seriously, there is a good sized space between them! I was wearing my black "skinny" jeans (size 16, but skinny to ME... hey they make me FEEL skinny!) and I just could not believe the gap. Granted, when I stood back up straight the gap somehow disappeared, but I have been washing my hair in the tub like that for a long, long time and I swear it has been 15 years since I saw any kind of space between my upper thighs. Just wow. Now I find myself bending over and hanging my head upside down just to check out my thigh-space...

2) Today I put on my low cut socks and my sneakers as usual, when I suddenly noticed that my ankles are skinny! Like, not all puffy and padded! Okay, maybe not SKINNY. Definitely not boney, but I was honestly shocked when I saw how different they look from how they HAVE looked for 15 years. I had major cankles going on at 278 pounds. Since I got fat I have always had big fat puffy ankles. I remember going to Walmart and Payless trying to find some cute sandals a few years ago, but everything I tried on looked HORRIBLE because my ankles were dramatically huge, especially after being on my feet for any length of time. I remember standing in those full length mirrors thinking, "how can such a cute sandal look so horrible on me?" So I just wore flip flops or shoes, since my ankles looked like hell no matter what I wore. But this morning, I swear I didn't even recognise my own ankles for a minute. I stood there, mid-tie, fingers poised to make a bow in the laces, and stared at my ankles. They have definition. They look like ANKLES, not like my calves melted down and made puddles at the tops of my feet. I am SO pleased! I swear I have looked at my ankles 20 times today. I am totally going to go buy some cute sandals for summer!

That's all for now. I am really happy with the ways my body is changing! I don't think I've lost any weight this week (still staying off the scale) but I feel great about the progress anyway.

Have a super weekend!

Rocks and Boulders

Today I was thinking about how I have had a habit of viewing "weight loss" as a thing... a distinct entity that was either IN my life or NOT. Or, more accurately, I was viewing it as a specific event that is either HAPPENING or NOT.

I think that's kind of common among people trying to lose weight. It's not exactly the "on" or "off" a diet mentality, because you can consider yourself "on" a diet (or "on plan") and still not be losing weight week by week. Haven't you had those weeks where you are doing everything right, not eating crap, doing all the things you should be doing but the weight is just NOT coming off or is coming off at a snail's pace? You want the weight to be dropping off. You want to see results on the scale. So when that does not happen, you might have the thoughts I have had, of "I am not losing weight, this sucks."

I guess we all want to get on the scale and see a lower number every time, but when that doesn't happen, does that mean you are not still on your path to weight loss? For me, it has been a hard mindset to break. Not losing as quickly as I *think* I should feels like being stalled. It feels like failure, even if I am doing everything according to my plan.

I am always thinking, "If I had lost x pounds in y time I would weigh z by now" or "if I can get x pounds off by y date I will weigh z pounds." Always setting the weight loss to a time schedule; always looking for the "end of the journey."

I am starting to realize that there is no end of the journey. This whole thing is not an EVENT, it is just part of the currents in the stream of life. Every meal is a thimbleful of water, as is every bike ride or nap or trip to the park with my kids. It's flowing. It's dynamic. It continues regardless of some lame scale reading. And every drop is precious.

Anyway, I guess what I have discovered is that weight loss is not really something that you DO or something that HAPPENS. It is the result of a myriad little choices we make in everyday life, minute by minute, day by day. There is no ONE THING that can change whether you are "losing weight" or not. Not even a binge. When you eat a candy bar maybe it is like throwing a rock into the river. A binge is like throwing in a boulder. Is a boulder going to stop the river from flowing? Is it going to change its course? Is the river going to suddenly divert from the Pacific Ocean to the Gulf of Mexico because you threw a boulder in? No. It won't. And a binge won't divert you from your destination, either. Might slow the current a bit, but that's all.

Granted, if you throw in enough boulders there is going to be a big problem and yes, rivers HAVE been diverted with enough debris damming the path. But I think for most of us, any diversion is because we THINK one pebble, one rock, one boulder is the end of the world... so we throw up our hands and say "well, I already ruined everything! Now I am NOT losing weight!" and, believing we are doomed to destruction, we help the failure along by racing around throwing more and more boulders in our own river. And then we end up at 300 pounds.

I guess what I am trying to say here is that it takes a huge aggregation of events, decisions, and choices for our chosen paths to be diverted radically from a life that will carry us towards our goals to a life that carries us in the opposite direction. So don't let a couple of screw ups mess with your head. They really don't matter in the long run, unless you let them.